My biggest enemy.

I'm assuming that I've been hit by another wave of insecurity.

It's stupid, really. Sometimes, I can be confident with what I do and who I am. Other times, I look at others and go, "So... I actually have talent in this area. Rightttt.."

So I'm on a quest of unleashing the string of talents in me. Well, I'm hoping that I have more than one talent, lol. Honestly, I feel a little afraid of what I would find. I'm afraid that I would find myself being not the person who I wanted to be. I don't think that this would affect the people around me. Well, mainly, I'm afraid of disappointing...

Myself.

You can say that I'm my biggest enemy. So many times I criticize and beat myself up over an area that I could have been slightly lenient on. I could be a little paranoid.

I'm not sure whether I let expectations of others get the better of me, and I mould my expectations to suit the ones of the world. I can say that I expect myself to do this, but when I look deep down, who/what had caused me to set such standards of myself?

Right now, I wish I was a better person. I wish that I'm a great thinker with apparent leadership skills. I wish I could play the keys so much better, I'm tired of watching talents of the others from afar, knowing that I'm not as good as they are. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could write much better than what I am capable of now.

Oh, Pris. Shut up, cut the whining and insert some action to improve yourself as a person.

Martyrdom.

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like without martyrdom.

The death rate would be slightly lower in certain countries, and in other countries, a LOT lower.

As much as the term martyrdom hurts my heart, I realise that this is when we realise unexpected qualities: loyalties or betrayals. Just when you have a gun pointed to your head, you're faced with the question that would allow you to save your life but live in a meaningless world of emptiness after that or you lose your life knowing that you have acted according to your conscience, making you a true legend.

Which one would you choose, really?

I don't think anyone of us can answer it now. Actually, we can verbally voice out our choice, but are we really willing to walk the talk and be persecuted for a "theory" (some would call it that), even at point blank?

Honestly, I think that no one is able to determine the extent of whether we are truly passionate for a cause until that moment actually happens.

It feels so good being alive, doesn't it?

What about those people whose lives were brutally ended by a squeeze of a trigger for declaring their faith? What about them? What were they feeling? What went through their minds? Did the notion of betraying their belief run through their minds, knowing that they would be able to live slightly longer? What caused them to whisper the words that would cause captors or gunmen to snatch their lives viciously?

What do I think?

Sometimes, I think I'm thinking about these things too much.

Sigh.

Exams. Exams. Exams.

I officially finished Saturday school today!

*clap clap clap*

It's been such a pain in the butt that I had to go to school an extra day of the week despite going to school 5 days a week already. It's the pain of waking up, and because of my right-on-time attitude, I had to drive with Dad and face all those horrible Asian drivers who wouldn't give a little consideration to younger L platers, taking up the whole road, no sense of give-and-take, only living on the "this is my road, I will use my nice big car to take up the entire road" principle... All these months.. It's finished! Phew!

So Priscilla has officially finished high school, but unfortunately, in the midst of the most important exams in her high school life.. 6 down, 2 more to go.

I'll post up pictures of the last days of high school if I ever feel like it after the exams, since this blog is slowly dying anyway.. Haha..

13 days off Facebook and another 12 to go. The temptation is not so great anymore.. But I do find it rather pointless to switch on the laptop without accessing Facebook. That's when I realised that I am truly a Facebook addict. Not good. Lol

"You're not alone, together we stand... You know I'll take your hand" - Remix from Avril Lavigne, sung by Glee. I love Glee's songs, although I dont really fancy the storyline..

32 degrees now. The hot weather is finally here! But..... I do find it a little too hot. I wished it had stuck between 20-25 degrees, that would've been beautiful.

Now, to find my iPod and listen to Michael Buble's songs..

"I'm not surprised, that not everything lasts. I broke my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track."

Poor man.

Exams.

Sigh, I'll be frank here.

I CANT STAND THIS ANYMORE

I'm tired of waking up feeling so tired. I'm tired of studying so hard but keep making mistakes in my practice exams. This is so frustrating and I usually end up almost yelling out a very frustrated sigh when I'm studying.

9 days till it starts.

1 month and 1 day till it ends.

I just feel like giving up and just stop studying. But I can't let myself do that.

In the end, what did I do? I snapped and almost yelled at Dad when he asked me a question. What a great evening, huh?

If only I could be at a deserted cliff and just scream my lungs out, that would be good.

Faith.

It’s funny how finding out that letting go is the hardest thing you can ever do.
After having your whole life planned out, knowing exactly what you’re going to do. And when it draws closer, you start to realize that things aren’t all as what you have expected it to be.

It’s funny how we say, “God, take it all. I lay it down at Your feet”. But in reality, our actions convey that “God, I surrender all. Oh wait, but, God, this part here. This little one here? This has to go this way. Couldn’t You help me to achieve it this way although You want something else for me?”

I’ve been in that position a thousand times.

Tonight, during music practice, it was all just laying my cards down on my table.
This is my life: I want to do well, I want to be smart. I’m not stupid, but I’m not a genius. I won’t be able to get this score unless God intervenes. I WANT God to intervene. I WANT it SO BAD that I’m willing to do anything to be SMARTER than I am.
Tonight, through Luke, God said, “You don’t know the plans I have for you. It’s good to get that score, but what if I’m telling you that there is another way? Another way that you may actually break your heart, but you’ll be so much more than you think you can be. How about that?”

I shuddered at that thought. I didn’t want it ANOTHER way. I’ve planned it out already! I know I’m not brilliant, or not as smart as I want to be, I know that. But, why? Why can’t God steer me in my favourable direction?

See what I’m doing? I’m putting God in the box of my heart. I’m not letting Him actually take over and depend on Him. I’m depending on Him to help me get what I want, and not His.

As the band played and I worshipped, the words that escaped my lips were the ones that were going to change me. “God, I NEED YOU”

Suddenly, I’m prepared to face the consequences of my beliefs. I tell people that I am a Christian and I love God. People see that, but this is not a show. This is a relationship with God.

It’s time to take that step of faith.

A creative response to Jane Austen's Emma. Enjoy! :)

Entry #99

The party at the Weston’s was absolutely wonderful. But it was the ride home that had made things to be the strangest indeed...

I have to mention that I did not feel a sense of awkwardness when stepping into the same carriage as Mr Elton alone, as I had believed that he was Harriet’s lover. As a young woman, I am conscious of the customs of the society regarding two individuals of the separate gender in an enclosed area were regarded as inappropriate. But, as I had mentioned before, Mr Elton and Harriet are by situation called together. I knew that I was just to match them together, and I had intended to speak to Mr Elton more about Harriet.

At the same time, I would not fail to believe that Mr Elton had been drinking too much of Mr Weston’s good wine, and his actions demonstrated that surely that he would want to be talking nonsense. Evidently enough, he was declaring sentiments, unequalled love and unexampled passion that were indescribable to me as if he was professing to Harriet. But one thing that shocked me the most was that Mr Elton’s professions of love were none to Harriet, but to me!

For a moment, I was at loss for words. This should not have happened! Did Mr Elton not realize that none of these were for my own, but for Harriet only? He, then expressed his adoration for me, dismissing the idea of marrying Harriet Smith with such speed, whom he feels that she is too common for him. Surely I had not offered any intentional encouragement to his sentiments...

Mr Elton is to be Harriet’s lover, not mine! Words could not explain the enormous regret that is deep within my soul at this moment. If I had not persuaded Harriet into liking this man, I could have not borne any of these. Such a development of everything most unwelcome! Such a blow for Harriet! I could not help but realize that it was my cause and my unyielding stubbornness for finding a suitable companion for Harriet that had led her into an open furnace of destroying her confidence and hope, and ultimately her feelings.

The picture! Had Mr Elton been nothing but only too happy about the picture of Harriet before? What about the charade? Did he not address Harriet as a “lovely woman... reigns alone”? The “soft eye”? I am incapable to believe that these signs did not point to his favour for Harriet through such thick-headed nonsense; I do not think that anyone could have foretold this circumstance at all.

As I started to ponder on this incident, I became conscious of Mr Knightley’s words previously of Mr Elton, “Elton is a very respectable vicar of Highbury... he knows the value of a good income as well as anybody. He knows that he is a very handsome young man and a great favourite wherever he goes...” It is true that Mr Elton would not marry discreetly. How dare he look down upon my friend! Harriet was the natural daughter of somebody; she is just an innocent young woman who wanted a little more knowledge and elegance to be quite perfect. In my opinion, she only falls short so slightly of his elegancies of mind.

Alternatively, Mr Elton had possibly proposed to me to be closely acquainted with the wealth of the Woodhouse family. He must have identified with the history of the Woodhouse family in Hartfield a while ago before attempting to execute this absurd, self-seeking plan of his. What a self-centred, aggrandizing person! All that talk of encouragement, he had not considered anything else, but the ‘opulence’ that he would be able to obtain by marrying me. Mr Elton had not really loved me; he had only fallen in love with the wealth of the Woodhouse family!

The unfortunate Harriet has to juggle the enormity of the blow. I am to be blamed for the atrocity of the situation. This would have not taken place if I had not intervened Harriet’s affairs, taking her claims to marry well, and caused her to have a fondness of a supposedly handsome character with agreeable manners, Mr Elton. It was foolish to take part, and adventure along the lines of another’s path to seeking a companion. This would be the last of me partaking in events such as these; I would do such things no more.

Mr Knightley’s monologue:

It is quite evident that Emma has a developed a liking for Frank Churchill. As much I do not want her to have fondness for another person other than myself, I realize the need of human nature to love another. My soul is not enlightened at the means of Frank Churchill treating Emma. The interaction that they have constructed seems to be lacking honesty; Emma seems to think that she is in love with Frank Churchill, and he seems to be a little trivial of her feelings, and perhaps towards Jane Fairfax. Maybe I just feel paranoid with the whole situation. There is such possibility of me being prejudiced towards Frank Churchill, like Emma had accused me of earlier. Even if I am prejudiced, I am prejudiced for a significant reason. My existence continues to provide Emma with the utmost protection that I can ever give her. I suspect that there is some secret understanding between Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax. Everyone had assumed Emma to be Frank’s object of affection, it is my duty to warn her and prevent any potential harm.

My dear Emma, why do you not see the intentions behind all my actions? I am in love with you, Emma, and jealous of Frank Churchill’s acquaintance with you. But there is nothing that I am capable of doing from hindering you from pursuing your happiness. If Frank Churchill makes your happy, I have got no choice but to let it be.

Entry #100

How long had Mr Knightley been so dear to me, as every feeling declared him now to be? How could I have been so oblivious to his actions and words? What else would have explained his apparent protectiveness of me towards Frank Churchill? He sincerely wanted to protect me from potential harm, as he had always done all these years. Or, is there a possibility of Mr Knightley protecting me because... Oh, dare I say that he might have a form of liking towards me?

Looking back, Mr Knightley had not been an ordinary acquaintance of a brother; he had been much more than that. He had attempted to shelter me from all sorts of physical and emotional harm, reprimanded me for my wrongdoings, and simply being the defender that I had always taken granted for. What more could I ever ask? I have everything. He has established everything for me, he is everything!

I am unable to think of a time where I regarded Mr Knightley as a superior, especially when he had not regarded me in the dearest manner. I am certain that Mr Knightley had informed me of the suspicion of an attachment between Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax had been out of sheer concern and love, and perhaps a tinge of jealousy on his part. Why did I not have faith in his judgments in the first place? He had been right numerous times before. The accuracy of his judgments was proven when he defended the excellent young Robert Martin, and telling me that I am no friend of Harriet Smith. He had reviewed my obstinate actions with exact precision, and did not cease to hide his gentle rebuke for my very own good. Again, he did not make a false opinion of Mr Elton and the cruelty of my discourteous words towards Miss Bates. Throughout the year, Mr Knightley had been the sort of guardian that had been assigned to watch over me. I wonder how it did not occur to me everything that he had done in my life. It is absolutely absurd of me thinking that I had affections for Frank Churchill when none of that had ever existed in the first place!

A sudden thought had just entered my mind... Harriet- what have I done again? Ever since I had encountered this not inconveniently shy girl, I am afraid that I have done her nothing but great disservice by making her think that she can aspire to such reasonable heights. It was I who encouraged her in her pursuit for love on the equal social standing, not knowing that it was Mr Knightley that she had intended! No, Mr Knightley must marry no one but... me!

No... What, what am I saying? Am I not Harriet’s friend? I should not take part of this unthinkable spiteful thinking! How could Harriet love Mr Knightley, it is not possible! I am unable to comprehend what I am feeling at the moment. Have I not hurt Harriet enough? How inconsiderate, how indelicate, how irrational, how unfeeling, had been my conduct! Why it is that it is so much worse that Harriet forms an attachment with Mr Knightley than with Frank Churchill? Have I not been guiding Harriet to search for a romantic companion of her equivalent all these while? The unsuccessful consequence of Harriet intending to form an attachment with Mr Elton was no other fault but my own. The outcome of trying to match Harriet and Frank Churchill turned into a complete disaster. Had I not learnt my lesson, not to meddle with affairs other than my own after all these?

This must not happen! I could not possibly bear watch Harriet Smith exclusively, passionately loved by Mr Knightley. I could not! Oh, if only I had minded my own affairs... If only I had befriended Jane Fairfax from the beginning and made less acquaintance with Harriet, I would have saved my soul from so much pain and heartache. The foolishness of my actions in convincing Harriet that Robert Martin is not her equal... It does not matter now if he is just a famer, and confined to the society of the illiterate and vulgar, the important thing is that he is an amiable and good-natured young man.

My actions had caused numerous grievance to poor Harriet, myself, and possibly Mr Knightley himself by exposing him to a match that is undignified (the notion of Mr Knightley attracted to Jane Fairfax). Who but me had taught Harriet, that she was to elevate herself if possible, and that her claims were great to a high worldly establishment? If Harriet, from being a humble and modest, were grown vain, it was my doing too.

What am I going to do now?

I want a Nikon SLR camera!

"Lord God Almighty" album launch by Empower Christian Church. I'm proud to say that I am apart of that God-filled church. :) If you see it, you have to get your hands on it. The team's down in Malaysia, and if you see one of these in Canaanland or something, buy it! It's definitely worth buying, and enjoy your time worshipping God with the God-filled songs :)
My friends take photography as a subject in schoool and got one of the super cool Nikon SLR cameras. Don't ask me the model and stuff cause I have no idea! But these are a couple of pictures that I got from my friend. They're taken by Christina, Thalia and myself :)

I was playing around with my stationery during Maths

I've been having the orange pencil for the past 3 years :) Yeah, I really loved the camera :P

Ray, our tank international kid from Taiwan. He's got pretty huge muscles for an Asian XD

Rowland and Ray giving each other some brotherly/non-deadly headlock!

Outside the Maths class, waiting for the teacher

Christina took this while walking home!

It was time to part :(

I love this photo.

"Is this at the right angle?" Thalia.

Credit to Thalia. I love this one as well.

Trio picture.

Again

I actually got stuck afterwards :S

The girls couldn't get the camera off me :)

"Thalia, take a picture of me!"

Ena doesn't know how to smile properly :P

This was a random shot of Christina and it didn't turn out bad at all!

Yeah, that's my school uniform. Yes, it does say "Yup!" at the back. Class of 09 :D

The almost twins that we all know just too well

Priorities. Life.

They seem to go hand-in-hand very well. They almost seem inseparable.

It’s funny how life seems to be at its peak, and dives down to its lowest end within just a short period of time. Now that the lowest end has been conquered and I’m starting to rise up beyond of what I expected. Back in Malaysia, life was not a breeze, but everything was in place. Everything jumbled up when we moved. Now, it’s been almost a year and a half, I’m proudly exclaiming that as a family, we have risen from our squats, and slowly climbing upwards the staircase of life. All credit goes to God; He pulled us through our toughest times. There were tears and anger, but look where we are now. We’ve planted ourselves in a church, serving His House in different areas; we seem to be less dependent on those who initially helped us when we moved.

Last year, my priorities were, study, work, get friends, find a church. Nothing was really accelerating except for my studies, finding out that I wasn’t as dumb as I thought. *smile*

This year, my priorities are so different. Yes, study, but to the maximum. I’ve never felt like a studious person in my life, can you beat that? A church, I’ve got myself in that and it’s going to take me a lot to get me out of it! Work is put aside till I finish Year 12. Friends, man, I love the ones that I got now! But there never seem to be enough time to build a strong relationship with all of them with the time constraint. There are different groups in church, different people in school that I love, and not to mention my Saturday school girls. That has taken up so much of my time till I’m at the point where I am not in contact with any fellow Youth Church leaders here anymore.

Instead of prioritizing to embark on the journey of looking for friends, I’m on the journey of achieving the true meaning of balance and organizing what should be the top of my list in life. There are so many times that I had to turn down things due to priorities. Well, such is life, isn’t it? You don’t always get what you want and somehow or another you would always end up making unfavourable decisions.

Now, I just don’t want to make decisions that I would regret later on. As much as I love having fellowship with different groups of friends, I do not want to place my studies in jeopardy. I know I have to push myself harder since this is the last lap of my year in high school. I know that if I get distracted now, and study less, I would suffer when the results come out. I would be haunted with guilt of knowing that I would’ve done better if I had prioritized. Things do not seem to be as easy as they seem anymore. I seem to have so many things creeping up in place and I find myself doing everything else but studying. It’s really starting to bug me. L

Nothing seems to take place when I try to do things with my mortal capacity. I keep telling myself, “Study or you’ll regret it later.” That threat had never affected anyone, has it? It is barely a threat, it is a voice seems easily brushed off my shoulder.

I guess, tomorrow is the start of change. Or maybe even tonight…

普里西拉 (Priscilla in Chinese! - through Google Translator, lol)

Two 18th parties over 2 weekends

1 August - Ezra's&Ena's 18th
Theme : Wild Wild West (Yeah, I wasn't really into the theme though.. Stole someone's cowboy hat off someone at the party later. No idea whose it was.. Lol)

Probably singing to Linkin Park's "Numb", lol

Tried curling my hair, but it looked more straight than curly. Sigh... What a failure, lol.

25th July - Breanne's 18th (My Legal Studies buddy!)

Theme: Las Vegas (Oh yeah..)

Had to wear stockings that night. It was 9 degrees..

He's practically drunk, lol

Stina and I at my place, with her red jacket!

That was only a quarter of people that day. There were like 100+ people at her place! Can you spot me with the flower? :)

Adrian was gone when I came, lol. Celine, the international kid from Belgium as a casino dealer.

Brookie Cookie as a bride, Pris at the casino, Stina the Stina! :D

Puyol my favourite Mexican when he's actually Spanish. He gets so irritated when he's called a Mexican.. hahaha

Katt my favourite bunny rabbit, she even had a tail, HAHA! My English buddy, love Katt :)

With Breanne. She looked stunning that night! Not forgetting to mention that she's hot! Forgot that I was wearing Yui's jacket. He gave me his jacket cause I was shivering, how nice :)

Alright, it's 12.09 AM now. Time for bed. School tomorrow. I guess I"ll have to properly update next time, which would be who knows when..

That's what I've been up to..

In the train

Bird's eye view.

Group shot at Christina's 18th

The birthday girl turned 17. Isn't she gorgeous?

My updates for now.

Is God real?

Today, I decided to do something really random... My Google homepage came up and I thought to myself, why not look at a non-Christian’s point of view of God? It was out of mere curiosity; after all, we are in the world, aren’t we? I typed, “Is God real?” I found some interesting articles that got me thinking, why I believe what I believe now.

Is God real? Or is God a fabrication of the minds of inadequate men who cannot cope with a world beyond which there is nothing but void. It is easy to talk of the good works done by Christian Churches over the past century or two, but is the church today anything more than a conscience-salving social club, even for the mainstream churches, away from the rabid evangelicals?

I have to say, I found myself agreeing with the last part of this person’s statement. Has church turned into a social club? Surely it is not wrong to love one another and build relationships, but things are wrong when God is not the centre of it. After all, we are called to be “disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit”. Something should be tweaking in our brains when we treat church as just ‘another day; another day to communicate with people’.

It is the church that needs to stop being ‘priests of the community’, it is the church that needs to step out and BE the community. We aren’t any different than anybody else, except that we carry the light of God in the midst of the sheer darkness. No wonder many condemn the church, or even classify God-lovers to be “hallelujah, holier than thou art”. The church should not have a hierarchy at all! Yes, it needs organisation, but let it be an organisation out of love and compassion.

Since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another – 1 John 4:11

I know that I am loved by friends around me, but I can’t say that this love is anything beyond skin deep. I want a love that pierces through the layers of sin, insecurity and hesitation. That is where the church plays a role in directing a person to God’s love who “laid down His life for us”.
It is time for the church to be the ambassadors of God’s love once again. It’s time to change the perception of ‘church’ and it’s time to do things His way, the passion of the people of the church has to be infectious.

It’s a non-believer that is able to proclaim...

- Is God real? No, not to most churches.
-Is God real? My research over the past 22.8 years shows scientifically that the answer to that question is Yes. The signs abound. Time and again, God tries to speak to man. Man doesn’t listen.

It takes a non-believer who is immensely interested in the spiritual world to proclaim that God is real and that man doesn’t listen. What more about us who declare that we are Christians, yet, we don’t walk the talk? Is it not embarrassing enough? It’s like saying that a girl from China writes and speaks better English than an ordinary Englishman. This is a person who isn’t a follower of Jesus Christ, but he is more inquisitive than a mere Christian.

So, let me poise this question again.

Is God real?

United we stand

I've begun to realise the necessity of prayer before a service.

Such a simple thing could never possibly be forgotten, can it? But, us just being the state of flesh and bone, it isn't too hard to forget the importance of prayer..

I should've known better. Being a youth leader once and in a worship team now, I should realise that prayer holds the key to a successful service. After all, this is for His glory and to lift His name high, isn't it?

If a band came together, and no one knew each other being from different churches, it's not impossible to pull off a successful worship - IF we depended on God. That was our biggest mistake. We're all not unskilled musicians, just because we were lacking a drummer, I believe that we could have pulled it off much better. We were all upset and frustrated because things just didn't turn out right; complications and misunderstandings happened too often for our liking.

It wasn't that we weren't trying, we all tried to blend and complement each other, but things just turned out to be a mess. We all left the stage feeling as though we didn't carry out our duties to lead the congregation into worship. It didn't hit us until we left the stage that we depended on our abilities instead of leaning on Him. I went on stage to play in the background when the pastor was praying, as I played, I prayed, "God, please help us. God, please help us."

As the rest of the musicians joined in, we all prayed individually while playing our instruments. We were finally united as one, as our prayers rose up above to bless His name. That was when a change took place.

People made the first step in their journey with Christ. Hallelujah.

With everything, with everything, we will shout for Your glory
With everything, with everything, we will shout for Your name - Hillsong

I'm not emo

“I’m not stupid!”

She does not realise the intensity of the words. She refuses to compromise or accept the fact that she is stupid. She is not brilliantly intelligent, but she is far from stupid. She had never allowed the world to classify her as lower-class, never did. She had made sure of that. Anytime she realises that she falls below the standards of the people around her, she will put in all her might to change that fact. But hearing this from her loved one was beyond what she could take. She was not a young girl that he could boss around any longer; she was not the naive youngster that she was 10 years ago. She has grown up to have her maturity level on her own. He never realised how much that she had grown; he still tries to convince her to do things his way. He can never seem to see things her way; he was just an authoritative being.

“I am fed up of your attitude!”

If only he understood the weight of his words, she thought, he would never have uttered those most important seven words that had changed her perception of him. She had became conscious of the raging thoughts in her head, the more she dwelled on it, the more she was more determined to make up her own stand. The rampant notions that are passing through her head at the moment are not the most pleasant ones she had ever felt.

The throb in her head intensified, her mind swirled into a rage that she had never before. It felt like a thousand of elephants were tap-dancing in her head as the pounding in her head started increased at a mile’s pace. Lifting her hand to clutch her head, she fell to the ground, wishing that the physical and emotional pain would evaporate.

As hurt as she was, she knew that she could not let show signs of weakness. Tears stung her eyes, threatening to reveal her vulnerability. She swallowed back those tears with great difficulty, and those tears dissolved into an aching glare.

As she fell to the ground, the only words that echoed through her mind were...

“I am not stupid.”

Entry #50

2 May 2009
- I look into the mirror and who do I see? I see a girl who looks exactly like me. She isn't extremely succesful in life. I see a girl who wants to live a life of confidence and authority. I see a girl who tries as hard as she can to see her name printed out in the 'High Achievers' column. I see a girl who doesn't have a terribly exciting life. I see a girl who wants to live a life fuller than she has now; she dreams to be legendary, a person that would bring a dramatic change to the world.

I stare into the mirror once again, and all that I see is just a very ordinary Priscilla Yap.

3 May 2009
- "Dont compare yourself to your peers. You are different. Comparing yourself isn't going to take you anywhere. You are going to be a great person of God just by being yourself."

I wasn't a loser, (well I dont think I am?) but I wasn't the greatest person around either. I just wanted to make my Lord and my parents proud. Not so much of getting their approval, but just making them proud of me. I can wish I was as successful as my peers, having my level of thoughts and maturity beyond my years.

God had made me such. He made me Priscilla Yap, and nobody else; He created Priscilla Yap for a reason. All I need to do is to avail myself, live by His standards. Not wanting to act like the crowd although I am part of the crowd. Living a life according to His will, and letting His light shine through me when the lights in the people die down.

I just need to have a little faith.

Psalms 34: 15 - The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry.

Student + Dying = Studying

*giggle giggle!!!!* PRIS 'HEARTS' PETER PETRELLI.

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas

=)

Alright, it's 9.35PM. Study, Pris.. STUDY!

STOP LOOKING FOR STUPID PICTURES!....

=D

Church feels like home.

Church people feel like family.

:)

I've never really realised that till now.

:D

Thanks, God.

It's about time things are starting to look constant on my side. I've been hunting around for constant relationships long enough.

School's the best. Church is even better.

What more can I ever ask for?

Okay, maybe one thing.. Please take away my stupid cough so that I can attend the Planet Shakers conference????????

:D :D :D :D :D

Conflict (1)

This is what I've been working on for the past few days.. It's for English, well, this is part of it. I'm not exactly done yet.. Haven't edited or whatever.. It's only the diary entries, I'll post up the recollection, the part before the diary entries some other time.

Here it goes.

'Conflict can reveal unexpected qualities in an individual'

Entry #99
It had been so many days since I arrived here, it seems impossible to remember the exact number of days that I had been serving here. Well, I would not regard this as ‘serving’; rather, we seem to be ‘serving’ as prisoners of war of this dreadful place. Many of us here seem to have the mentality that there is nothing more to hope for anymore. I guess we are at the point where nothing seems to be worth it anymore. I see people start to lose the mental grasp of sanity and humanity. We, ordinary men working tirelessly on the line, had once hoped for freedom. That is all what we ever wanted. One word sums it all: freedom.

Entry#100
Today is just another day; another day of enduring endless brutality, another day of watching a fellow man being violently beaten, another day of watching another being at the very edge of life, pushed to the very darkness of death itself.

I have to say that I am not a very smart man; I could only always wish that I was a profound scholar. I am not a brilliant person but I am, in fact, all of us are able to see what is going on here. It does not take a skilful genius to realise that numerous conflicts that occur in this horrific surrounding. Here, conflicts seem to be inevitable. I really do not see the need to elaborate the nasty environmental conflict that each man would have to face every day here. This tropical and humid environment is slowly killing us all. Rain made the main track viciously slippery, which makes it a treacherous hazard to all the men working. If a man would slip and fall, imagine the level of danger he would cause to the rest? Things could possibly turn for the worse if her were carrying an axe or a pick or saw; that dangerous object might just cut one’s head off!

The enormous pressure that we men face every single day is more than a man could possibly endure. But what makes the pressure more unbearable is the fact that we would have to carry on the daily three mile walk under the scorching sun without boots or any form of footwear to protect our feet. The food was meagre, poor quality rice and vegetables and the barest possible amount of meat, and the guard were gruff and thuggish.

Sometimes, I do not understand how any of us could stand the intensity of the whole experience. I mean, we are all still alive, some of us not very much alive, while others barely surviving. Due to this atrocious conflict, I come to see some of my fellow men as zombies. They do not seem to think or act anymore. They are easily depicted as lifeless men, living purposeless lives. Their actions are not only robotic; they are unresponsive, unmoving and motionless. It brings tears to my eyes as I watch friends of mine living for nothing.

It kills me just watching my fellow men just simply going through the motions, with the mentality, “day in, day out”. The more I see men forcefully giving up their lives for a useless railway, the more confused I seem to be. This brings me to a realisation, this conflict and experience had changed me to an entirely new person. I have become a person that I never knew I could be. I never knew that I am actually capable of enduring such texting conflict and environment. I would suppose that this is a slight glimmer of hope that I could hold on in the midst of the total darkness of my situation.

Entry #101
Things had not turn for the better as we all hoped... Our fellow men seem to be treated more dreadfully treated. Many of us are now ill; nine of us seem to be standing upright without fainting or doubling over in pain.

Personally, I am utterly sick of the enormity of conflict in this situation. It would be an understatement if I said that I am tired of this whole environment; I am absolutely sick of watching men falling on their faces, getting bashed and clubbed for reasons that are entirely unacceptable. Do the officers here have to feelings at all? Why are they just so inhumane? Did they appoint themselves to be God and easily decide when to end one’s life? We are all part of the human race, why reign this line viciously? How could a person just strike another without mercy, on the grounds of working too slowly? We are not animals; we are human beings, just like you! You barbaric, monstrous, animalistic people! Wait, you are not people, you are beastly brutes!

Entry #102
The conflict that we endure daily had caused us to rethink the notion of reason and humanity. We cannot seem to have any respect for any of the authorities here.

In reality, well, long before any of us laboured on the line, we were once men of great virtue; we were men who would honour and respect authorities, or as a matter of fact, any individual. But things took for a 360-degree change since we stepped foot into this hellish camp. Each brutal slave driver had their own names now; Billy the Pig and Molly the Monk, they were the two who became feared and hatred above the rest.

A close friend of mine, Paul, was one of the many who were beaten to death for intolerable motives; apparently he was working too slowly for the brutal slave driver’s pace. After the cruel death of Paul, fellow comrades like Mickie Hallam were subjected to prolonged and viscous bashing. Mick was carried to hospital and died the next day. The death of Mick had impacted us all. Mick was not only a fellow comrade; Mick was a personal friend, a man that we all came to love. What was there not to like about Mick? He had been generous and staunch, a friend to the weak or strong, and his death casted an even darker shadow over all.

His death had intensified out hatred of the enemy, Jap and Korean alike. Like I’ve mentioned before, the intensity of the conflict had caused us all to hate. As men with virtue before the experience on the line, we were men that could never resort to hate. I would regard hate as too strong a word, and would never use it under any circumstances. But now, things had changed for the shoddier, and I would proclaim with full capacity of mind, body and soul that it is the feeling of hatred that overrules me being. Rage overwhelmed my entire essence of human spirit, and there is no denying that I hate the brutal slave drivers. I hate them with a passion.

I'm sleepy.. *yawns*

Okay, it's the beginning of my lovely holidays. :)

I told myself, study, Pris, study.. but sad to say, I've only done slightly more than 2 hours of studying. What a disappointment. I thought I had more discipline than that.. :S Hahah

I was cleaning up my room a little and I stumbled across all those letters that I received from the lovely YC-ians before I left last year. I went through them one by one and started laughing. Some memories can never be forgotten. Tiger, that word means an entirely new meaning now. It isn't some massive striped cat, it's something else. *wink* Honk and duck. Man, those words make me laugh. Some things just stick with you for life :D

I've been thinking.. I wish I could do this, I wish I could do that.. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could play the keys better. I wish I was thinner, Ming and Bernard pointed out that I have a puffed up face (Gee, they're the nicest people around?). I wish I was more sporty. I wish I could write 'grandly' with all those huge words. I wish...

I could go on and on and on. But I realised, if I wish I was this and that.. I would be a duplicate of somebody else. :S I can think over and over again that I'm nobody special, a person who's always envying somebody else.

Isn't it time for me to stand up and be proud for who I am? I am different, I am unique. I'm God's child, that's what I am :)

This is how we overcome..

The week's been pretty good I guess..

Except for the fact that I'm almost a cripple at the moment. Not really, but lol. I have this major backache, and I can't move without feeling the pain shooting up my spine. So I'm lying on the bed, with the laptop, typing this out.. I dont know what happened. I just felt this massive pain in my lower back after lunch, and yes, it got worse.. :(

Remember how I said that I was doubting before this?.. The more I talk to my parents and friend, the more I realise that God is the only one that can qualify the call in our lives. He's the Author of our lives; I may start to doubt, wondering whether I'm fit to do His work. But in the end, I'm actually doubting the Author Himself. I'm His creation, if I doubt His creation, I doubt Him as well.. And that's not what I want to do.

I read last night that we, as human beings are always expecting for a big bang miracle, a marvellous change.. But what we really need is just taking one step at a time.. It's a process..

Only God qualifies the call, only God and no one else. It's time for me to become more than a conqueror in Christ.

You have turned, my mourning into dancing
You have turned my sorrow into joy.

This is how I overcome.

:)

S-L-E-E-P is good enough for me

You know those moments where you just feel like you're at the top of the world, and the next day you wonder why you slipped down the mountain and you're nowhere near the top?

I dont know, I just feel like that at the moment. I guess I really need sleep. I just want this year to be over already, I dont think I can handle doing Year 12. It's killing me physically. I'm staying up for hours, getting less than 6 hours of sleep a day. It's really starting to get into my bones.

I'm also in the spur of the moment where you dont think you're good enough for everything. All these random thoughts are just popping in my head. "You're not good enough" sort of thoughts.

Back to the phase where everything feels awkward again. Just when I'm starting to feel at ease and having so much fun with my school friends, I dont have time to spend time with my other friends. To have a strong relationship, you need time and effort. I wish that there's more than 24 hours in the world, then I can achieve so much more instead of focusing so much on a certain thing and not having time for the rest.

In other words, I need S-L-E-E-P

I should be feeling a whole lot better after some sleep, but not right now. I need to get my homework and studying done. I am going to kill myself emotionally with lousy thoughts if I dont do anything about it. Argh..

There is power in His name!

Some things just really tick me off..

I hate it when I see really intelligent people who just couldn't be bothered to study. I'm not very smart, but I spend at least 4 hours preparing for my tests and assignments. I get a pretty decent/good mark, but I wish I was brillliant so that I wouldn't have to try so hard. I just don't think it's fair, some people who barely study get pretty decent marks while I'm studying really hard just to get the best score I can. Why do I have to be the person who puts in so much effort, and I don't get exceptionally good marks?.. I get A's, and stuff, but not to the level that I want to be at.

Similarly, some people are blessed with gifts, but they just refuse to use it for God, saying that "They're not ready". What crap.. I don't play an instrument very well, and I know that. But I just want to give God the glory He deserves. He gave me this teeny weeny bit of talent, so I want to give it back to Him.

(I wasn't directing this to anyone in particular.)

I was talking to a church friend of mine last night. She asked me what do I really want in life. I had to think for a fair bit of time before replying her text. "I want my music to touch lives. I want my music to draw people closer to God" I've mentioned before that music is a huge part of my life, but I never really stepped out. Thinking that this was just a supplementary, I pushed it aside.. but now, the more I talk to God about this, the more convinced I am that starting in church is only the start of something big. I feel awkward typing this out, but I think I need to start dreaming big. I used to dream big once before, but I let this whole move and insecurity stop me. It's time for me to pick up where I stopped, and I know that I am capable of influencing lives in His name.

There is power in His name.

And I believe that with everything I have - literally.

I've been hit by a wave of laughing gas - really

I MOVED LAST SATURDAY! :D

It's still sorta hard sleeping in my room.. I'm still not used to my new room, but I love it though! Until now, I'm just still so amazed at the number of people who volunteered to help us move. I had about 6 friends over, 2 of them stayed till 6.30PM! Christina's dad brought his HUGE van, and we saved a couple of hundreds cause there wasn't a need to hire movers to help us at all! God blessed us with so many helpful people :)

For the past few days, I think I've been a little high on something or injected with some sort of laughing gas. Honestly, I have no idea why I've been laughing sooo much. When someone mentions Ray or Yui, oh my gosh, I burst out laughing and Christina would go, "Oh no, there she goes again".

Ray and Yui are the only international students in our group. They dont speak very fluent English, but oh my gosh, they're hilarious! Ray's from Taiwan and Yui's half Japanese and half Switz. The both of them would make slight mistakes in their pronounciations, but it would mean a totally different thing. For example, Yui meant to say constipation but he pronounced it as constitution instead! "Sometimes, I have very bad constitution", he says it with a serious face. Once he told my friends, "Priscilla seems to be laughing at everything I say! What's so funny!!" When I start laughing, there's no telling when I'll stop.. HAHAHHAHAHA...

My friend, Alex started speaking slowly to me as though he was speaking to Ray and Yui. He has a really bad tendency of doing that, although he knows I understand him perfectly. Apparently, he tends to speak to Asians slowly, eventhough he knows I speak more English than any other language. Hahaha..

It was my first time playing the keys last Sunday :D

I'll update when I have the time to. Schoolwork's piling up.. :S

A Malaysian

Dont you just love being one?.. You can say stuff like;

1. Oi MANGKUK!
2. The fella kantoi ady la
3. BABI SIAL, WHAT DID YOU DO???
4. Say that again, and I hentam you!
5. Poddah!
6. Eh, why that fella so bengang one???
7. Apa hal you pukul saya, hah?
8. Ee yerrr... Busuk busuk!
9. Ah Mah gave me ang pau!
10. Lu manyak kaechaw lah! Pegi pegi!
11. Lu jangan solly-solly me..

my gosh.. I was laughing when I was typing this out HAHAHA...

You saved me, You set me free, You healed me, You made me see, You SET ME FREE!

You're my Saviour, YOu have set me free forever...

I love this song.. I LOVE this song. :)

You know here, I was never loud. I'm only known to be this kid who's smiling all the time.. Well, according to the church people.

How different is that?

The only time I feel free to express myself is during praise and worship. I absolutely love praise and worship.. I can't dance much, but during praise and worship, I can't seem to stay still! I'm the quietest girl in the group (cause the locals here are REALLY LOUD. hehe!), but I seem to be the total opposite when it comes to praise and worship.

Sometimes I feel like an idiot for being so quiet.. I really do. I feel like an idiot that I can't come up with sarcastic, witty lines like the other girls, thus being the quietest one in the group.

As idiotic as I feel many times, I will never stop singing this out loud "There's freedom in the name in the name of Jesus, freedom from all sin..."

Now, I'm more than glad that I belong to a charismatic pentecostal church :)

I said that I was going to be a hermit (as Beth mentioned it earlier when I was chatting with her) at Year 12, and not go to so many functions, I will NEVER give the worship team up. Well, except when it's near my exams. I dont talk much there either, but I feel as though I'm contributing something to the band. Music is such a big part of me. Praise and worship is even a BIGGER part of me. I can give many, MANY things up, but never the worship team! :)

I may not stand out by making witty lines like the others, but I can feel free to worship my Lord. That's all I really need.

All this "fitting in with the locals" is just supplementary.

What really matters is this : I love God with all my heart and I'm here to worship Him.

God has a definition of beauty that will make a girl pretty in every culture in the world. It’s a beauty that radiates from the inside out, and it delights the eyes of God and the lives of the people it touches.

IT WAS FREAKIN 46.4 DEGREES IN MELBOURNE YESTERDAY!

That was Australia Day, which was the same day as CNY.. No red packets for me, but watching the fireworks and a local concert with a whole bunch of friends made it a really fun day!

I drove my family and I to church today.. On the main road.. Be amazed, and bow down, everyone! All hail Queen Priscilla! Hehe. Lol you'll see this 2.4l gold Toyota Camry Altise with the big fat yellow "L" plates behind in Melbourne, that's me driving :)

I've been playing in the church's worship team practises for almost a month now.. I love it! :) I'm going to be in the next roster, so I'll be playing on stage somewhere next month onwards.. I love the team, they're just so talented! Though it's a bit weird being the youngest and the only girl musician :S When we have separate practises for the musicians and the singers.. They guys there have to control not to make guy jokes anymore since there's a girl musician now. Lol. Other than that, I just love being in a band :)

I love the kids in church too! They're so cute! For the past few weeks, I've been swooping little toddlers off their feet and having a little girl stuffing grapes into my mouth when I have her in my arms while talking to her dad. She is sooo cute! She has cute blonde hair with blue eyes.. A beautiful kid!

School.. I've determined that I'm going to be an extra geek now. I need the highest scores I can.. I'm going to school 6 days a week, and this is my weekly schedule..

Monday - school & study

Tuesday - school & worship team practise at night

Wednesday - school & study

Thursday - school & study

Friday - school & study

Saturday - Indonesian school the whole morning, youth at night & study

Sunday - be at church 8.15AM for practise almost every fortnight from March onwards, nap, clean up house, homework

And I have to clock in driving in between my rigid schedule as well.. I'm planning to get my 120 driving hours before my 18th so that I can get my P's!

I dont have much time to spend with my friends :S Sigh.. it's the last year, I'm going to give it my best shot. No turning back.

My friends :)

It's 40 degrees outside now. I REFUSE to go out or do anything outside in this stinkin' hot weather! Well, except heading to church tonight.

Wednesday night, 1.30AM, I got 4 missed calls from a private number. I had my phone on silent, and golly, who would call me so late? That person called again, hesitantly, I picked it up, and guess who it was? Bernard, and a whole bunch of YCians behind him! They put me on loudspeaker and started talking at the same time! It really did made me smile.

Wei-Ming: *in a serious tone* Pris, I know we weren't close friends.. But I have to tell you this.. Everytime you smile, it melts my heart.
Me: Umm.. *stiffles giggles*
Ming: I'm serious.

In the background, I heard James, Bernard and Elena going, "YERRR... MING!!!" And I'm giggling like a pig, trying not to wake my parents up. Oh my goodness, that was really funny. Talked to a whole bunch of people, James, Bernard, Elena, Rose, Ming, Prisc Chiew, Sarah Ng, and Darren. I think that's everybody, I can't remember :S


I want to talk to somebody. I want high school to be over already. Hmm..



These people made a difference in my life;



James Choong - babi you :P The brother I never had. I miss having you saying something stupid and getting me to laugh till I cry. Or whacking your arm for annoying me.. Who knew that I would actually miss having your company? :)



Dalvin Dinshaw - Indian :P I only knew you for a really short while before I left, but we still maintained the close friendship. Tough competition when it comes to bowling. When we meet again, we go bowling okay? :)



Bernard Ong - nicest person ever :) :D



Paul Tan - thanks for hitting James on the head for me!



Christina Tsotsos- my going-out buddy. My favourite Greek, to be exact. Stop getting a tan on the beach without me, COME BACK TO THIS PART OF MELBOURNE!!!!!!!!! It's lonely without you, Stina! :(



Naomie Reynolds - Funniest blonde I've ever met. You make me laugh. You opened my eyes to the harshness of reality. You're a great friend. and HAHAHA i'm still on holidays and you're not! :P Though you're in the city everyday :S



Adrian Puyol - when he cant understand me, he blames it on my non-Aussie accent. You loser :P A fun person to hang out with :)



Mmhmm, they rock my world.

11 months

We bowled.. with our little siblings.. Haha :) I got 120 points.. with the gutters up :P

Year 12 is going to start soon. In a way, I'm actually looking forward to this year. But in many many other was, I'm looking forward to finish this year off, finish high school and start uni. Starting uni is like starting another life.. I dont seem to be contented with this life. Something in my guts is telling me that more awaits me. Yeah, I have fun and all that sort.. But there's got to be more, and there is more.

It's been almost a year. 11 months, exactly.

Never regretted what I did and left behind. But I need something else, something more.

He is an old fart :)

Yeap, this is the birthday boy. He thinks he's good-looking, what's your say?

I think he's unsure of his nationality. You've got to make your eyes smaller to be a Chinese, Dalvin :P

"I'm the helpless victim." I did not alter his quote!

Mr Bassist :)

He may seem like the quiet ol' Dalvin, but when he can't tahan lame jokes, that's what he does. He tortures. :P

His favourite quote: "Eh, clown.. You're suuucccchhhh a bum" (in the Dalvin tone)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...... HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Okay, okay, better stop laughing...

Happy birthday YOU OLD FART. Still love you okay?

This is the old fart, I mean, person (hehe!) who stood by my side all these while. He never stopped being my friend despite being thousands of miles away. I really wished I had known him earlier, cause he is a great GREAT friend, no kidding. Though all he talks is about football AND waffles.. He loves waffles. There, I said it. Dalvin loves waffles.

I'm laughing as I'm typing this, really.

I still remember, I couldn't finish my lunch and he's like, "Ehhh! Dont throw la! Give meee!.. Eh, I like DBKL only"

Like I said, I wished I'd known him earlier.. He makes me laugh, really. He's funny in his own Dalvin way.. Gua Poh. :P

So, thank you, Dalvin for being my best friend. You've made a big difference in my life. Just being there to hear me out, that's just awesome :)

Go, you're 21. You're an adult now :) Love you lots!

Stop eating so much waffles, after you get fat.