Having children brought extra feelings out in me about being adopted, it came home to me just how much a person gives up when they give a child to someone else. It was a positive and love-filled realization.
Marriage to my husband also brought new curiosity on occasion because of the newness of his knowledge of my adoption. He wanted to know things much more than I did. He was always understanding of my feelings and my somewhat lack of overwhelming curiosity. We would talk about it occasionally. I have always felt reverent when speaking of my birth family, knowing that they did so much for me and that they have had no knowledge or report of me since then. I ached for them, and then alternatively, wondered if they ever even wondered about me and how things went. The desire grew in me to want to let them know that my life was wonderful and that I loved them for what they did. However, with a fear of hurting or bringing up past sadness for someone, I chose not to pursue that desire.
When I had been married about 15 years I would occasionally search online for people looking for children born on my birthday, at my hospital, adoption boards, I tried to find out what it would take to have adoption records opened. Mine were sealed. I also became more and more anxious for a health history.
I had wanted to do a DNA test for genetic heritage for a while and when my aunt, who works for Ancestry.com, said she got me a test, I was intrigued and excited. I told my husband that it was feeling more and more inevitable that finding some biological family members was going to happen. I also then found out that this test could link me to other relatives who have done the test. This was a bit staggering, and exciting, but I knew the chances of finding any sort of close relative were very slim.
I received the test, and it sat on my dresser for a month. I finally completed it in April and sent it in the mail. I kept it in the back of my mind.
Several weeks later my aunt called to say that the results were ready. I looked and was amazed to see there was a first cousin match. And there was a little button labeled "send message." The idea that I could simply write a message to a blood relative was staggering and scary and exciting. Having not foreseen this actually happening, I quickly imagined what I would write and decided it would be much too risky, too difficult, to ask a first cousin if he knew anything about a child that was given up 36 years ago. The wording wouldn't come. I quickly decided to leave it alone.
And just as quickly as I had decided that, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I needed to do it, right then, and that I would be foolish to waste this chance. I looked this cousin up online and found that he is my age, served an LDS mission, and seemed approachable. Amidst Doug's careful cautions of not disclosing too much detail, I composed the best-sounding email that I could, while leaving plenty of room for this person to never even answer. I knew it was extremely likely that this cousin didn't know of my existence. Here is what I wrote:
"Hi Kyle, my name is Christy Whetten. My aunt works for Ancestry.com and helped me do the DNA testing because I was adopted in 1979 through LDS Family Services.
It appears we are possible first cousins, in fact you are the first name on the list. I am a married, happy mom of four, and am also LDS. Over the years I have become more and more interested in finding out about my biological family, while not wanting to cause pain or discomfort for anyone involved. I don't really even know what to say, except that I'd like to explore the possibility of making some kind of contact, even if only small.
I realize that my existence may not even be known to many members of he family, and it's all right if you have no information or aren't willing to open this possible can of worms. :-)
If this is something you would be willing to talk about, I would be glad, and I understand if not. I hope this doesn't come across as too strange! It seems a little more normal than putting a poster on Facebook asking if anyone adopted out a child on my birthday. :-)
Many thanks for reading this. And again, if this isn't something you are comfortable with, it is all right.
I am using my aunt's account for this, so if you do contact me, please email me at christywhetten@yahoo.com. Thank you."
When I pushed "send" I felt I had opened myself up to anything... A scary feeling. Doug asked me that night and the next day if I had heard back. I had to tell him to stop asking and I would let him know! Ha! I tried to forget about it because it still seemed so unreal and unlikely that anything would come of it. I was wrong.
Two days later, I got this reply:
"Hello Christy,
I was amazed to receive your email. We are so happy you found us. No need for a Facebook poster! A DNA test and a few details in your email did the trick.
After some calls to my parents and an aunt, I am happy to confirm I am your first cousin on your birth-father's side. Your birth father and my father are brothers.
You and I are close to the same age. I am the oldest of four. My family is also active LDS. I live in Virginia but I have a Sister in Salt Lake. (She was also born in 1979), one in Las Vegas, and a brother in the mid-west. And a whole bunch of nieces and nephews. My parents are on a mission in the Caribbean. "
He went on to explain more details and express their interest in contact.
This answer began two of the most amazing and beautiful months of my life.
My cousin knew of my existence. Many of the family had. They had always wondered if they would ever know me. He helped me set up a time for a phone call with my birth father, and we were able to speak for a long time that first night. I learned so much about him, his career, his amazing life. He and my birth mother had been married in the Salt Lake temple before I was conceived. This was definitely different than I had assumed.
I was told a little about my birth mother and that they had not been married for very long before the relationship became strained to the point that the marriage could not go on. My birth father explained that he was crushed by this and very sad when they divorced. Soon after, she found out that she was pregnant. She insisted on giving her child up for adoption and he said that he knew she had her reasons for doing so even though both her and his family had offered to raise her baby. I can only imagine what kind of sadness she must have experienced to make that decision. My birth father said he was left with little choice but to sign the papers because he was in no position to care for a child on his own. He knew I was a girl, but never saw me. This affected his life very deeply for the years between then and now. He never got over the events and threw himself wholeheartedly into his very amazing and unique career in law enforcement, high level government work, and particularly became a well-known expert in firearms.
We quickly became very close through our phone calls over the next few weeks, reaching the point that we would talk nearly every day. I started to have my kids talk to him on the phone and in particular, Jack became very, very close to him. They talked more than daily. My birth father had decided that Jack needed a pair of really amazing binoculars to bring his world closer to him. He talked daily to me about his excitement to give them to him, along with a nice tripod. We learned that he had a very soft spot for people with disabilities and he really, really enjoyed talking to Jack and telling him stories about his career. I could always hear the happiness in Jack's voice while he was talking to him. He also spoke with my other kids, and memorized their names and ages, and took great delight in them.
The things that he told me and Doug had us in complete awe of all that he has accomplished in his life. We loved hearing his adventures, and they were nothing short of that! He was a professional photographer, firearms expert, was a technical consultant to Hollywood movie producers, travelled the world with his work, particularly Germany, Malaysia, India, and Mexico. His photography was commented on by Ansel Adams.
He expressed such delight in our miracle reuniting while we were on the phone. Each conversation he would say things like "You are such a delight. You bring such brightness and hope into my life. Your family is wonderful, what a good job you have done. I love talking to them. I didn't have a lot to live for before getting to know you. I know we can't talk every day because you are a busy mom, but when I sit down in the evening, I look at the clock turn 8:30, 9:30, 10:30, 11:30, and think to myself, I guess not today."
That last phrase about broke my heart. Because of the nature of his career, he could not have a computer or any presence online. The phone was his connection with us. I made sure to always call him back, and initiate calls when I had a few minutes. It gave me great joy to speak with him, he was so uplifting and sweet and kind. His humor top notch.
My parents were completely supportive, especially after the initial finding out of the situation. They could not have been better. They felt so strongly, once they knew him, that my birth father deserved this miracle, and they began to interact with him through phone calls almost daily as well. I am so pleased with how my parents have handled the whole thing. They got to know him and made him a part of their lives.
Tristana had a flute camp in June at BYU so we were going to be in Utah, and decided that was a perfect time to meet. We were introduced over the phone to my birth father's family, and became immediate friends with his siblings, and got to know some of his nieces though Facebook and phone calls. I loved speaking to his 92 year old mother. She is a beautiful person and the first time we spoke she told me things along these lines: "you have always been in my heart." "I can't wait to put my arms around you." When I told her I had always wondered if anyone was wondering about me, she said "well this lady was!"
We planned a time for me and Doug to meet him the first time with just the three of us, and two days later we all planned to meet at a wonderful aunt's house in Pleasant Grove, UT. My birth-grandmother and my aunt agreed to drive there from Las Vegas. It was all we could think or talk about at home, as we all got to know each other. The excitement built and when the day finally came to meet, at a restaurant in Salt Lake, I was a bit nervous about how it would feel. But I also knew that with the hours upon hours we had spent on the phone, we would likely be very comfortable. It was amazing. We had such good conversation, and he was so happy. We loved being together. He hugged me and told me how amazing it was to see me in person. He kept telling me what a delight I was to him! Such joy.
Two days later, the family get-together was nothing short of heaven on earth. I walked into the house, and my aunt put her arms around he and just cried. We look alike. I found out that the middle name (my un-official middle name that I've been called since youth) is a family middle name for my birth-grandmother and many of her descendants! Also, that she was a classically trained professional singer when she was younger. Amazing!
Hugging everyone and getting to know them was wonderful. I have so many wonderful first cousins and they were so kind and welcoming. We took many, many photos. My birth father loved the photo album that my mom made for him and his mother, and he loved the quilt I made for him. He could not have had a better reaction to the gifts we brought! It was so joyful! I could not have felt better about it. Before we left that night, we had another time set for July to get together when we would be in Utah again. We could not wait.
As you can imagine, our joy was immense. Having met and been together, the ties were tied up pretty tightly at this point and we all could not wait until the end of July when we could be together again. Our phone calls became even more fun and comfortable, and enjoyable. He was delighted, I was delighted, our other kids talked to him more and more on the phone. We had many hours of lovely, happy conversation. Our feelings were very much set. We knew that he was a permanent part of our lives. My parents also planned to see him regularly when I was not in town. We became family.
We met his brother, who lives in west Denver, in early July. It was so much fun. Then his niece came to our house to meet us last Friday when she was visiting family in Colorado Springs. We had such a nice visit. This family is so loving and accepting of us, they are a rare and amazing family. They have all been so happy for my birth father and his new lease on life.
The day before that cousin visited, Jack talked to him. That evening Jack could not get ahold of him, which was unusual. The next morning I called twice and he didn't answer, again, unusual. After my sweet cousin left that evening, I called again, multiple times. I became extremely concerned right then. I knew that he would answer if he was there. He always answered or called us right back. I made a phone call to his brother, whom I learned talked to him almost daily. It turns out he generally spoke to his mother daily as well. They didn't want to worry her but did ask when she had spoken to him last. It has been almost two days. As it got later, I was completely panicked and beside myself. I felt strongly that he would be answering if things were normal. The siblings decided to send one of my cousins to his house in Salt Lake to check on him.
A little while later I received the dreaded phone call from my dear aunt. She was sobbing as she told me he was found looking peaceful, having suffered an apparent heart attack. This was agonizing news as we all loved him so much. I was in disbelief and deep grief. We had so little time together and I only got to see him in person twice. This was one of the most horrifying things I have had to deal with. I know he loved me and had become very attached to our family, and the feeling was absolutely mutual. His passing has left a massive hole in our lives. We had made him a priority, we loved his humor, his integrity, he was a beautiful person. I can't even describe our relationship without failing in words... This was one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me, and losing him so quickly has been absolutely wrenching.
There is simply too much to write, too many feelings and miracles and tender mercies to describe. To be able to communicate the magnitude of the last two months is impossible. It would take a novel. Just know that this was huge to us. And his loss is a hole that will not be filled until we meet again. We helped him and he helped us. I hope that I can live up to the way he saw me. After the initial shock of our contacting him, he loved us without reserve, without boundaries. He aimed to be completely proper and appropriate in our relationship and never act like he was my "new father" now. He was humble and sweet and unselfish. But we showed him how important he was to us. His family has expressed strongly that he was a different person after we came into his life. They say that I will never know what it has meant to him to have us. He would call his siblings and speak about us in a way that they described as him thinking he had invented grandchildren! He told me he had years to make up for. He never wanted to be improper and never attempted contact with me because he knew that wouldn't be right. He thought about me throughout his life and took difficult, dangerous assignments, and helped and saved many people in an effort to make me proud, though he never planned to meet me.
I love him so much. I can't believe I have lost him so soon. But I have to recognize the miracles we have experienced in that we almost never met, given this timeline. We almost missed him. We almost had only stories about him. We could have missed one of the most impactful, beautiful events that I have ever had happen. This was a whole-family experience on both sides. This was a story for my children and grandchildren. This was a gift from heaven.
My life is changed forever and I would rather have the hole his death has created than my life without the hole. I have been a part of something heavenly. We immediately drove to Utah to help with arrangements and have been working on his house with the family. It has been a sweet experience. I know that Heavenly Father loves us, loves this man I have gotten to know, and helped us meet. I will never doubt this.
Today was his funeral. His loved ones, friends and family, spoke of his honesty, his unselfishness, his amazing career, his talents, and of the amazing events of the last two months that crowned his life. I was able to sing for him a second time. A former U.S. Congressman was one of the speakers. We had guests there that were anxious to tell me stories of his life. Several FBI agents and one DEA agent. Two of them spoke to me and one has a story he wants to tell me later. There was so much love there today. We are changed forever.
