Tea For Two

We did a tree in honor of Blakelee this year for the Festival Of Trees. We did one for Beckham the year before and it was such a healing thing that I knew we needed to do one again this year. I decided to do a "Tea for Two" theme for the tree. Her nursery was floral and bling and at her funeral we had the most beautiful blush roses, so we wanted to incorporate that. Plus anyone who knows my mom and I knows that's right up our alley. All year long we scoped out stuff for this tree, to say it was a labor of love is a bit of an understatement, my mom and I poured our hearts into this tree and were thrilled the way it turned out! Always when decorating a tree we get nervous if it will end up selling or not, this girly tree was no exception. I knew it had to go to a special family and we hoped they would love it as much as we did. It ended up selling and $1,700 went to Primary Children's Hospital. I absolutely love doing them, but wouldn't mind if we didn't have to do another one in honor of someone for a very long time!

1st Angel Birthday

Our Little Angel Beckham,

 I can't believe it's been a year since we held you in our arms, yet other days it feels like eternity. I have replayed June 22nd and June 23rd in my mind every single day for the past year. The emotions of finding out you had gained your wings are still so raw and fresh that makes it impossible to forget the emotions we felt that day. 

 I don't think I could ever forget the nurses desperately trying to find a heartbeat and the doctors face as he confirmed my biggest fears. The sound of devastation in your dads voice when I called him, the tears and yelling "why" as we tried to process what we were just told. I will never forget praying and begging that they were wrong and that I wouldn't have to face a delivery knowing that I would never get to see you alive again. I will never forget the feeling of driving home and looking at my stomach that looked exactly the same as the day before, knowing your spirit was no longer there. I will never forget telling your brother and sister that they would no longer get to play with you or see that bond and watching their hearts break in two. I will never forget walking in your nursery to get your stuff ready and realizing this is our only chance to ever pick out your clothes and dress you. I will never forget walking into the hospital knowing that the next time we left this place, we would have empty arms.  I will never forget fighting back the tears and trying to be strong to be able to participate in your birth regardless how badly I didn't want to. I will never forget seeing you and holding you for the first time checking to see if you were really gone. I will never forget running my fingers through your curly dark hair. The way your long chicken legs and body barley fit as I cradled you in my arms. I will never forget counting every one of your fingers and toes and trying to remember what it felt like to hold. Memorizing every inch of your face so I could see what features looked like who. I will never forget the peace and overwhelming love I felt for you as I held your perfectly still body in my arms. Seeing the love for you when your dad, grandparents, brother and sister holding you for the first time. I will never forget having to tell you goodbye as we handed you over to the funeral home knowing that would be one of the last intimate times we would see your body again. Leaving the hospital and the hurt I felt coming home to your empty nursery.
I will never forget the triggers and pain this past year trying to navigate through life without you in it. The feeling I had been punched in the stomach with every sleeping baby, baby shower, and pregnancy announcement. Answering the question  "how many kids do you have", or hearing another child with your name.I will never forget the patience and faith it took to get through each day regardless of how badly it hurt, or desperately looking for signs everyday to show that you were still near. 

Our dear sweet boy, you touched so many lives that day and continue to do so even though you are no longer physically with us. We gladly will never forget the pain and hurt of that day to remember your spirit, peace, and love we felt for you that day. We wont forget any of the lonely hard days that followed to keep your memory alive, and prove that just because you aren't here doesn't mean you didn't exist. We continue to try to sort through the triggers, and all the emotions that we feel without you. Instead we try to focus more on what kind of baby you would be, what would be your first words, what you would look like, and what you are doing on the other side. We will never forget you or the impression you left on us, and strive everyday to make you proud and be able to make it back to you. You are just so special to us, that we will never and could never forget.
 Happy Birthday our angel, please keep watching over us and give your sister a big hug from us. We love you and miss you so much!

2 years and counting!

Today is our 2nd wedding anniversary! We spent the night at the beautiful Stein Erickson Lodge in Park City. I finally got the Kate Spade purse I had been drooling over, we walked the Main Street, enjoyed delicious food, and the amazing views Park City had to offer. It was a nice getaway, we were long overdue for a little getaway.
Now for the mushy stuff... This year was the hardest year we had yet, to say the least. I remember our last anniversary eagerly talking about getting ready for Beckham because he would be joining our family shortly, and how this was our last night out before the baby came, we were just oblivious of what would happen a couple weeks later. The number one thing even the doctor told us after losing Beckham and then Blakelee was to take care of each other. Grieving is hard on your own but even harder with your partner. It seemed like when I was doing ok he was at his low and vise versa. It was extremely hard to be that vulnerable and share the feelings I did with him, and him with me. I can see what a toll it took on our relationship, but also how close it brought us together. Every freak out or argument after that would be analyzed if it was what we were really fighting about or that we were just having a hard time with the loss. The thing I appreciate and love more than anything about Parker is his loyalty and ability to deeply love. He has seen me at my worst and darkest times and the ugly side of me I didn't even know I had until this past year, yet he continues to love me through it. We constantly saw each others grief "triggers"and had to help each other in incredibly hard and uncomfortable situations.  I feel like we have gotten to know each on a level we otherwise wouldn't have if everything in this past year hadn't taken place. I warned him when we first met that sometimes my life can be a bit crazy and if he was looking for a boring and "normal" relationship that I wouldn't be the best girl for him, so we laugh now about looking back what we thought was the crazy part of our lives we had no idea what was coming.  I knew when I first met him that he was different and that is what I loved about him, I couldn't imagine going through our crazy life without him in it and am excited to see what many many more years together bring.

Rainbow Baby

After being apart of the child loss community you hear a bunch of different terms you quickly learn that you may have never heard of otherwise. One of those terms you hear is rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss- A beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better, the rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

That is exactly what it was like carrying our rainbow baby, just a lot more emotions mixed in. After finding out we were expecting I had this huge feeling of excitement and gratitude come over me. With that also came guilt, fear, and stress that I was not expecting. The guilt that maybe people would think we are trying to have another one to replace Beckham. Fear that the end result would be the same, and stress of doing everything physically possible to make sure that our rainbow baby would make it safely into our family.

She was a rough pregnancy from week 5 on, I said it before but I was so sick I could barley take care of myself or my kids, constantly going into the hospital for IVs and ending up being stuck to the couch having home health come in. Some days when I would start to feel a little better I would get scared that something was wrong. At least when I was sick that was confirmation that she was fine and still there. My sis in law let us have her Doppler so we used it a few times a week to check her heart rate and it was always very high and sounded amazing. Even though that was the sickest I have ever been, I just kept thinking how grateful and happy I was that we were experiencing it again and if this was the only setback for her and the pregnancy that I would gladly take all the needles and puking to bring her into our family. Then it all came crashing down on us... I have to admit when we found out she had passed away the first thing I thought of is I went through all of that hell for what?? I was finally starting to feel okay and literally gave everything I had to carry her what possible reason could there be for it to end this way.

People told us lots of different opinions of theirs as to why this could have happened to us, luckily our doctor prepared us for those questions ahead of time. We heard "Maybe your body just wasn't ready and you got pregnant too quickly", "maybe you just can't have kids together", "you were so sick so it sounds like your pregnancy wasn't good from the beginning", "Something must have been wrong with her". They said things we were already questioning and wondering if it's our fault somehow. We got the same testing done on Blakelee as we did with Beckham and then we had Genetic panel done on us as well and it all came back completely normal. My doctor told us this was good news, it was and we were so relieved to put all those assumptions to rest, but at the same time the unknown of this happening again in the future and being chalked up to "bad luck" was hard to accept.

She was our rainbow baby but it didn't just end in sunshine, rainbows, or hope like they say. It had a lot of pain, darkness, and bitterness. I wouldn't change her or regret my pregnancy with her for one second, it's the complete opposite of that actually. She did bring sunshine back into our lives even if it was for a brief amount of time. It just is so hard to accept that half of my heart and our family is already on the other side. She was perfect and beautiful just like her brother and they are together, I am grateful for that. Heaven must be beautiful and amazing because it holds our babies in it.  The hope she left us with is that we will all finally get to be a family again someday and see the amazing things they have done while we have been apart.

Signs or coincidence

When someone you love dies what you have learned throughout your life about eternal families, heaven, and guardian angels really takes on a whole new meaning. In most cases you grasp to that so badly because it's the only hope you have left. Believing it in your darkest hours is another story. After the realization hit after each loss I would stay up all night feeling so empty praying/begging for some sort of sign that they were still near and wanting so badly to feel them and be comforted by them. More often then not I didn't feel any different or have some profound thing said to me, I felt nothing. I had to let go of the thinking that the heavens would open and I would have some revelation or something you see in the movies. Instead I realized the things I thought were coincidences turned out to be the thing I was praying for all along.

When Parker was young, his grandpa whom he was very close with passed away. Throughout his life he would find feathers in weird places and to him those were signs from his grandpa that he was near and watching over him. After Beckham was taken away at the hospital, Parker reached in his pocket and sure enough pulled out his hand and with tears in his eyes showed me a feather he had found in there, with no explanation as to how it could have gotten in there. The day before we got the call that something could be wrong with Blakelee, Parker sent me this picture of two feathers he found on the ground at one of his stops at work. I remember texting him saying how weird and kind of scary  it was that he found two and gave me a chill up my spine. I pushed out of my head that anything was wrong despite what I was feeling, and the next day when we got the call is when that immediately came back to my mind and I couldn't help but think of the two feathers and that it was somehow trying to tell us that everything was about to change. Sure enough sitting in the ultrasound room after they told us the news and that she had been gone for a couple days now, I then knew that they were preparing us we just didn't realize it yet.

I thought back to what other signs I may have missed somehow in the past couple months of maybe warning us what her fate would be and it made me think of a dream that I had. It had been a couple months after Beckham was gone I had this dream that I was in heaven watching a little girl and boy playing together. They didn't see me or talk to me but I just sat there and watched them laugh and play. I woke up telling Parker that I think we need to try again because there is a little girl out there waiting for us. We got pregnant about a month later and I knew that it would be her that I saw in my dream and sure enough we found out we were having a girl. Now whenever I get sad that she isn't here with us I tried to picture my dream and seeing laughing and playing together and it brings me comfort that they are together.

Old me and whoever is reading this probably is thinking that I am reading too much into it or all of those were just coincidences, but to me to me there isn't a doubt in my mind that it was them trying to prepare us. We both haven't had anything happen since regardless how badly we want that, but we will continue looking for little reminders that they are still here.

Special lunch dates

It had been a couple weeks since Blakelee's birth and graveside and Brynn was having the hardest time. From the minute we told her that we were pregnant she told us that it was going to be a girl and that she was going to get a sister. She is the best big sister, cousin, and little helper with anyone who has babies. She wanted a sister so badly, especially after Beckham she didn't just want one she needed one. When we went to fetal studios and found out she was a girl Brynn's eyes filled with tears and she jumped up and down with excitement because she was so excited. The next day she went to school she announced it in front of the whole class, I have never seen her want something so badly. After we told her that she was gone you could see the devastation on her face and hear the disappointment in her voice. The weeks following she would cry herself to sleep saying that she just misses her sister, she just wants her brother and sister here with her to hold them and love them, and asked why life is so hard and unfair. I had several sleepless nights, crying and begging for her to be comforted and to get some answers that we couldn't give her. Every night we sat and held her while she cried my heart broke over and over feeling so helpless not knowing how I could possibly make any of this better when we didn't understand it ourselves.

We let her take a week of school and she was not wanting to go back. A month earlier I had found out that she was being made fun of and bullied at school because of "her situation." These little girls would say to her that everyone in her family died because they hate her and that she is stupid. She began to get very embarrassed and ashamed of our family and whats happened. Her amazing teacher quickly got a handle on it all, but the damage was already done. Now with Blakelee she was scared of what people would say about it. The situation infuriated me, but I tried telling her she can't control other people just how she reacted to it. I worked so hard on having her accept the things that she has gone through and making her realize that she can and will make it through it even though it's hard. Seeing her take so many steps back from that and being ashamed of who she is was so frustrating!

Her adorable teacher came over the Saturday before she went back and brought over some treats and a diary for her to write her thoughts and feelings in, since she knows that is how Brynn likes to express herself. I started feeling a little better about her going back to school but still was crossing my fingers in hopes that nobody would tease her about this because it would be too much for her to take. Sunday night I got a call from the Mascot Miracle Foundation (a non-profit organization that has professional mascots to help children who have severe or terminal illnesses) saying that our amazing friend Jen called them and told them about Brynnlee's situation and they felt like they needed to help.

Rocky the Moose, Kodiak the Wolf, and Felix the Falcon showed up with flowers and a stuffed animal at her school and surprised her at lunch. Her face when we all walked up was completely priceless. She had the biggest smile from ear to ear and kept saying how embarrassing but awesome it all was. They said that Brynnlee is their special friend and that they don't tolerate bullying and it needs to stop. Kids from all over the cafeteria were running up to say hi to the mascots and they just kept all their attention onto Brynn. She came home from school and said that she made so many new friends and everyone thought she was the coolest person to have them come just to eat lunch with her. Ever since her awesome lunch date she hasn't been teased or called names. It made her whole year having them there with her, this was the tender mercy and answer I had been praying for. That foundation is amazing and I can never thank them enough, it meant the world to us!

Blakelee's Graveside Service

After leaving the hospital our minds went back to focus mode on getting everything ready for her service. We went with the same funeral home as Beckham, and they were incredible to work with again. We got to Broomhead and sat down and went over the date, and all that information. Then came time to pick out her casket, we unfortunately knew this process all too well. Because of her size the options were pretty limited but we picked out a white silk casket with pink rose on it. Now it was time for the cemetery. When burying Beckham because he is so small and it was a full size plot they gave us the option to bury him in the front or back of the plot, but thinking we didn't want to jinx it or that we would ever use it again we put him in the middle. We ended up getting it figured out but had to move Beckham to put her in there to. We didn't care what the cost or trouble, we just wanted them together.

The next day we did the usual, we went to the mall to get outfits and found a little bracelet and charms to represent each of us to put inside of her casket. It was a different month, day, and funeral; yet it all looked the same. We walked through the mall defeated, exhausted, with broken hearts. When we looked around everyone around us kept living, it was just a normal day, seeing us they would think the me thing not knowing what just happened a couple days prior, as if it was all just a nightmare we would wake up from.

January 21, 2016 it was the day of her service. Parker and I went alone in the funeral home to see her and put her bracelet in with her. We walked up to where she was laying on the table in her casket. As we stood over there looking at our beautiful baby girl, this time no tears fell we just stood in silence in awe that she was ours. It was time to head to the cemetery so we wrapped her back up and shut the casket. We didn't say a word the whole time there or to the cemetery, we sat in silence listening to our favorite song. I think it had really sunk in how much we have really lost this last year and our hearts just ached.

We had a very small service for our baby girl with just immediate family members. We were too emotionally exhausted to speak at it so just decided to have Brynn sing "I am a child of God" and show her slideshow that I made. It was freezing cold and really windy, but it turned out so beautiful and was really sweet small service. Poor Brynn was just sobbing the entire time and it broke my heart seeing her this way at another funeral. Just when I think our resilient children have gone through enough, they face another heartbreak and prove to me how strong they are. It's hard living each day with a smile on our face when half our family isnt down her with us, yet they find a way to still be grateful and find joy in each day. I look up to them and how they have handled everything and hope that I can cope and live the way they do. We said our goodbyes and see you laters and spent the rest of the day with our family.