I've been in various stages of survival mode for probably nearly a decade. While life has certainly been good as a whole, I've definitely experienced some personal challenges that have left me crawling on my hands and knees for days on end, months on end even, instead of marching with purpose towards some kind of personal actualization. I've been making it through, nursing myself along. I get everything done, but nothing more than that. I know a lot of people live their lives this way. The paycheck-to-paycheck mentality is actually a life philosophy that says I'm just going to make it through one day to the next. I have just enough time and energy for the must-do's and nothing else. I don't want to confuse you into believing that I am some kind of workaholic. This is not the case. When I said, "time and energy," I meant them as exclusive factors. While in survival mode, I often find myself with time, but not with the physical or emotional energy to take on projects, like writing a blog entry, for example. Instead, I mindlessly scroll through Instagram or do some mindless busy work like organizing the pantry again when I have a moment. In survival mode, I use Netflix, audible, podcasts, and busy work, etc as a distraction from whatever difficult thoughts make an appearance when I have a moment of peace. Of course, at the end of the day, I feel incomplete, untethered, and totally unsatisfied with the day, my life, myself. So, here I am with a little bit of energy and some time, and instead of scrolling, I'm writing for the first time in....six years. Let's see where this goes...
"Today is the WORST...." is one of the most common phrases that comes out of Sawyer's mouth. He used to say it a lot more, and although he's found a lot more contentment in his day-to-day life, "Today is the WORST...." is still very squarely in his repertoire of whiny complaints. When he says it I smile, because I know where it comes from. Sawyer has a hard time being a kid, because he has lots of opinions, and when you are a kid, your opinions are about as valuable as a gum wrapper.
"Come on we are going outside to the park"
"Ahhh....I want to stay home and watch TV"
"Sorry. We're going to the park."
"Today is the WORST."
"Sawyer. You can't wear those leopard print pants to school." (Sawyer has adopted a pair of hand-me-down pants that are too big for Lyla. Sawyer loves big cats, so naturally, leopard print leggings are the coolest things he can put on his body. I want him to express himself, but sorry, I can't let him wear too-small leopard print leggings outside the house...for his own good...and my own dignity.)
"Well, it's my body and I get to choose!! I love these pants!!!!"
"Sorry, Sawyer. Those are not appropriate for school."
"Today is the WORST."
Lyla is very different from Sawyer. At four-years-old, Lyla is up for anything. Lyla is generally joyous and loving. To Lyla, I am "the best" or "like a star" or "like a diamond." Sure, she is opinionated too, but when I make her change her clothes, it's just a fight over what she will wear. It's not some existential crisis about independence like with Sawyer. She isn't left in a mood, wishing that her life were different. She is just mad that I won't let her wear her sandals in the snow. She stomps her foot, crosses her arms against her chest, pushes out her bottom lip, and then she moves on. Sawyer broods. In his mind he unravels a long list of unfairnesses that are or were ever practiced against him. "If only I could wear leopard print leggings to school...my life would be perfect," I'm sure he thinks to himself.
Anyway...today was an in-service day at school, which meant the kids had the day off. I have to say, after spending the year with both kids in school, I have mixed feelings about random days off. I've learned to treasure my five hours of freedom each day. BUT, the morning sky promised good weather, and I felt elated by the idea of whisking us off to some nature paradise away from the city. "Let's go to the beach!" "How about the Botanical Gardens!?" "The Natural History Museum??" Every idea was met by sleepy, sniffling rejections by Sawyer AND Lyla. They both have colds. They both went to bed late and woke up early. They were both in moods. I couldn't even get Lyla on my side...I knew it was going to be a "Today is the WORST" kind of day.
That's ok. I know as the mom, I can turn things around. I could tell a potty joke. I could do a funny dance. I could have a tickle throw-down. But apparently, I wasn't in the mood either, because I did none of that. (It's probably because every muscle in my body was screaming in pain as a result of a beach body workout routine I started a couple of days ago. Seriously, I had no idea how out of shape I was until some fitness instructor asked me to do 30mins of squats. Also, I'm off my steady diet of dark chocolate, chocolate chips.) Instead, we made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, packed up a bag for the park, including our tennis rackets, and left the apartment dragging ourselves along.
We played tennis for a while. Then walked over to the playground. When we go to the playground, Lyla goes off to play and never comes back. Sawyer goes off, then comes back for a hug, then goes off, then comes back to say he has no friends at the park, then goes off, then comes back to say he's tired, then goes off... Today Sawyer was particularly clingy, but in a cute, I want to sit on your lap kind of way. We decided to make a video of him doing something cool:
Here is Lyla. I think we might be a lot alike because I'm pretty sure in almost every childhood picture I have of myself I am making this pose. I adore her:
Thankfully, Jonathan could meet up for lunch. Along the walk to the restaurant, we observed some pretty amazing NYC nature, which made us all happy.
Check out these gorgeous roses!
Look!! A brown pigeon!:
How about this crazy squirrel hanging from a tree eating berries:
When Jonathan is with us, we really feel complete. He makes us all happy:
Lunch left us all revived, as you can tell by this picture:
We came home around 2:30 and watched TV for a couple of hours. Well, I didn't. I let the kids watch TV while I took a nap and cleaned the kitchen. I can do that now...nap, while the kids watch TV. It's a game changer. Lyla informed me that for her birthday she really wants everyone to watch this movie on Netflix, which I'm pretty sure must be one of the worst cartoons ever made. They watched it TWICE:
We finished off the night with Sawyer spending the evening in his room after Lyla came running to me dripping with a bloody lip, scraped face, and scratched neck. Apparently, the game they were playing required Sawyer to pull Lyla off the bed and across the floor. Cool game! Sawyer didn't realize Lyla was injured because 1. he doesn't know when he takes things too far and 2. Lyla is a hold-her-breath crier, which means before she can actually vocalize her cries, she holds her breath until she turns purple. Ahhhhh......Awesome.
The adorable thing was as I was doctoring up Lyla she panted out through her tears, "I wish daddy was here!" I always tell myself that she loves me most, but I know in my heart she is a daddy's girl. Thanks ok, because Sawyer is a mama's boy.
Ehh....It's funny how habits that are good for you are easy to fall out of, but habits that are bad for you, like grabbing a handful of chocolate chips every time I walk through the kitchen, are impossible to break. I know it's because what is good for you comes at an upfront investment even though the payout is super high...like working out. Eating chocolate chips is easy and rewarding from the start, but I can tell you by the extra acreage around my bottom, a chocolate chip habit is a bad investment. Keeping up with the blog requires a lot of time and energy on my part, but I have to say that the investment is worth it, especially now that my kids want to learn more about their lives as babies. Not to mention that at 35 my body is not the only thing slowly turning to goo. Sawyer often asks me to tell him funny stories from when he was a baby...I know there are tons of them because he always made me laugh, but I can't seem to remember much of anything specifically. All that's left of many of those months and years are feelings, I can't remember much of the day-to-day things that I thought I could never forget. SO...I'm rededicating myself to keeping this blog so that we can all remember, even when our brains can no longer hold tight to the details.
I can't believe my little baby turned four. Honestly, it seems like an impossibility. Growing up is really hard. I can understand this truth so much more now that I am watching Sawyer grow up. So much is expected of him and it's hard for him as a little kid who is all kinds of selfish and angsty and frustrated and bored and excitable and hyper to learn and meet all these expectations all the time. Especially when "good behavior" doesn't come naturally to him.
Suddenly and unexpectedly he has moved from the realm of cute baby to (annoying) little boy. Before, his long diatribes about the stuff that fascinated him were cute, because, well, he was a little baby and just learning to talk. Now this same tendency to talk non-stop is annoying and frustrating to the people around him. While little Lyla can crawl and wriggle all over people to get their attention, if Sawyer attempts to do so he is met with stern rejection. If Lyla cries when we tell her "no" we are sympathetic, when Sawyer throws a fit when we deny his request, we punish him. We constantly remind him that he is "a big boy" and that he needs to behave like one, and so it is no wonder that he often laments that he doesn't want to grow up.
I get it, my little boy, growing up isn't the joy ride that you hope it will be. I'm ashamed to say that I wish I could keep you close and give you whatever you want all the time and be your favorite person forever and ever, but I love you too, too much for that. Although I like to call you mine, I know that you are your's and that one day you will be far away from me and more important than the empty space I will feel when you are not near, I want you to be able to make the choices that will best make you happy. So I will continue to tell you "no" and send you to your room and tell you to be better. I will continue to act mad and be stern and threaten to throw away your favorite toys.
I'm really sorry, because I know you don't really understand why it has to be this way. Why I can't say yes when you want more candy or when you want to jump off your bunk bed. Why I can't let you cross the street without holding my hand or why you have to go to bed instead of watching another show. Why hitting your sister is wrong, even when she takes your toys or screams at you. Why I tell you to be quiet and to wait until I finish my conversation before you can tell me the vital piece of information you just learned about volcanoes.
I know that you don't understand now. The reason is that I love you. I love, love, love you. It's a kind of love that I never imagined existed before you were born, but now that I have it, it is something that seems impossible to ever live without. You are essential to my existence. You are my little boy, my beautiful baby boy. I love you forever.
So...Happy 4th Birthday Sawyer!
Sawyer made very specific requests for his 4th birthday. He wanted a party, but with no friends, just "mama, daddy, and Lyla, but Lyla needs a baby sitter so there could be a mama-daddy-Sawsy date."
Jonathan and I, along with his grandparents, tried our best to deliver on each of these requests. Here's what his birthday looked like.
First as a pre-brithday party present, because I thought that he wouldn't really like it since he's got a thing for the macabre at the moment (vampires, ghosts, monsters, skeletons, etc), I gave Sawyer a quilt that I've been working on since just before he was born. That's right, the intention was that this was to be his baby blanket...four years later it's finally a birthday present!
Hooray! He actually liked it.
After nap time under his new turtle quilt came the real party!
Jack Skellington Cake. Somehow I pulled this off...
So, the most important gift was the skeleton costume. It was the thing he talked about nonstop for a month before his birthday. When we mentioned it to Jonathan's parents they quickly volunteered to make it be their birthday gift, because it was easily ordered from Amazon Japan. Yay! However, as Sawyer's birthday approached we learned that the package was stuck in customs and wouldn't arrive on time! Horror. I searched everywhere for a replacement with no luck, so...because I'm a sucker for happy birthdays I made him one instead. It was worth it though. Check out his face when he opened it:
However, when the one from Amazon finally arrived with realistic bones and a mask that covered his entire head, the costume I made was quickly relegated to the bottom of his pajama drawer.
Samurai Darth Vader? Yes, please.
Baymax! Thanks Grammy.
American candy! Thanks Granny and Grandad.
Not pictured here is an amazing Avengers long-sleeve shirt from Grandma and Grandpa! Thanks Grandma and Grandpa. I'll add a picture soon.
And as for the big scary robot monsters? Jonathan decided to introduce Sawyer to transformers.
And finally, for Sawyer's mama-daddy-Sawsy date, we took Sawyer to a Ninja restaurant where he went through ninja training and experienced amazing ninja magic over dinner. Hooray for another birthday in Japan!
After learning that our New Year's Evening plans had fallen through, we jumped in the car (thanks to my newly acquired driver's license) and headed for the beach. It was the perfect way to spend the last day of 2014. What is it about the beach that just makes your soul dance?
Lyla spent the the fist 20 minutes at the beach screaming her head off and trying to run away from us because she also wanted to wear her mittens and I wouldn't let her.
