[too lazy for anything clever]
 well, it's been a binge-y few days.
now officially at my highest high weight, yet again. 

since 2009 started this has occured:

my fwb is now officially dating this girl i used to work with. facebook status changed and everything. after he gave me so much crap about not being ready for a girlfriend. he keeps apologizing over email but all i'm hearing is blahblahblahhhh. such a waste of my time.

i spent fifteen hours over two days in the hospital because i needed fluid drained from my back and the student doctor screwed it up the first time. it hurt so freaking much.

one of my cats died this morning. he suddenly got sick on thursday night. he passed away this morning. i didn't even get to spend his last few days with him because i was in the hospital. =[ i'm going to miss him so much. 

so, all i've done is eateateateateateat my troubles awayy.
happy new year, kids.

so much for this one being better than the last.

(Comment on this)

 so, i have two ex boyfriends. well, a million ex boyfriends, but only two who are still prominent in my life. they take turns playing "good ex, bad ex" with my heart. 

well, yesterday my most recent ex came over. we sat down, talked. then he pretty much jumped me sexually out  of nowhere, even though he has this new girl i thought he was seeing? agh.

but anyway, after this interlude, he started asking why i'd come back from my christmas vacation earlier than i planned. i was nervous and dodged it. eventually, i told him the truth, that i'd been supposed to go into inpatient, and had changed my mind last minute, because i don't feel ready. he was totally understanding, which is weird. cause i don't really expect "that's cool. i totally understand the girl who sticks a toothbrush down her throat after every meal". and then he asked me if i was planning on getting better, and i basically told him i had three options. i could go into treatment, which may or may not work, depending on my state of mind. i can continue torturing myself and hope somewhere along the line i find a weight in which i'm comfortable OR....i'll just die. 

well, that scared him, and now he keeps sending me messages on facebook asking me if i'm okay. well, of course i'm okay. i've been doing this to myself since i was thirteen, come on now. just because you now know about it doesn't make it any more dangerous to me. 

it's just strange, that he's paying so much more attention to me now, because he knows about all this. i don't want him to pity me...but i really do miss his attention. 
aghh.

(Comment on this)

Ugh
I am 7 lbs away from my gw.
I feel like i'm never going to get there, I was 1 lb away like, 2 weeks ago, then i binged and purged so much with NO excercise and have gained so so much.
I need motivation and excercise and definatly NO food.
I want this and ned this.

Need to be thin by Christmas!

Current Mood: crazy

(2 Comments |Comment on this)

 Sucksucksucksucksuck!
I crashed and burned so hard.
I shouldn't have started eating at all today.
I started feeling really ill and weak after I woke up.
So, I ended up making myself something to eat.
Which turned into an all day binge.
I am a fat cow. 
Let's hope for a better day tomorrow.
I'm terrified to weigh myself.
Went to the Christmas parade with my roommate. 
Saw Twilight with the boy, then stayed up late and burned some calories. ^_~

( Food under the cut.Collapse )

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

[we are the dreamers of the dream]
Down three lbs today.
That stupid water weight from my binge two days ago is gone, and I'm two lbs away from my first gw!
Ahh, so excited.
So, nothing but water until tonight.
But, I've convinced the boy that we should eat at a vegetarian restaurant I've been wanting to try, so it should be easier to find something to eat than the pasta place.
I'm so happy today.
I feel like nothing could go wrong.
My plan for today is to clean my apartment completely, go to a yoga class [or the gym at least], and get all of my laundry done.
Fresh clean start for next week. 
I'm oh-so-motivated.
And I was thinking of buying some new diet pills since my bottle of hoodia is almost gone. 
Any suggestions? Preferably something at Shoppers Drug Mart. 
Last night I had some serious insomnia. All I could think about was food everytime I woke up. And my headache got a million times worse around 4am. =[

Anyway, girls, have a great day! 
You're all absolutely amazing. <3

MSN - misearbile.visu at gmail.com

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

[wee]
So, tonight while I was at work I decided that I'm going to fast until I hit my first goal weight. =]
Having dinner tonight with my ex, but afterwards nothing but water until I lose those last four pounds. =D

Anyone into MSNing or texting?
My msn is misearbile.visu at gmail.com

Message me for my cell number cause I don't want creepers...creeping. You know?

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

Hello
If anyone passes this site pleaseeee join. I look at many sites on livejournal and see bitchy comments and harsh people talking to you when you have problems.
I am here to fix this :) A no judging, all loving community

xxxxxx

(Comment on this)