last night, at 7:45 p.m. (broad daylight mind you), i done got mugged walking into my apartment complex. nothing like a little "Quit screaming bitch or I'll shoot you" to finish off a 10.5 hour work day.

aaaaaand, since i had been staying in SF over the weekend, i had everything with me. EVERYthing. glasses. contacts. business clothes. casual clothes. wallet. books. journal. cell phone. every toiletry known to woman. $50 bottle of champagne. framed original artwork by a good friend. the last i saw of it all, it was being thrown into the side door of a slow-moving chevy van, headed toward 580 and points beyond.

when i sat down and totaled it all up, we're talking $2500 worth of stuff. an eye-opening exercise in letting go of material attachments, thank you oh Universe.

i'm phone-free for a few days, and i'll need all y'alls digits again of course.

am attempting to observe my reactions to this, rather than get caught up in them. currently i'm past "shaken" and well into "fucking pissed off" with occasional waves of "cold fear" still sweeping through.

anyone know of any kick-ass apartments in alameda?

To all of you who are in Austin right now:

I want to BE you.

Yes, you, with all your excitement shining in your eyes and on your skin. You, with the back of your neck prickling as you wait to take the mic. You, packed in a hotel room full of poets bickering and giggling and worrying and rampaging together. You, watching the competition and feeling your stomach waterfall over the gorgeous words of some poet you love... and desperately want to beat. You, hosting and organizing and interviewing and managing and keeping it all together so the seams don't ever ever show.

You are that good. You go.

i'm still here.

many thanks to them what sent nudges to my inbox, where they were often the maraschino cherries on top of a spam sundae. i appreciate.

have been consolidating my energies these last months.
spending time with me, and cautious of intrusions. (control issues much, beck?)
practicing not feeling selfish when i give myself what i need, even in terms of space & quiet time.
operating in the full faith that when the cocoon splits again there'll be friendly faces to meet, saying "where ya been?"

the move was a big step forward but i didn't expect how much introspection it would engender. i mean, i'm a navel-gazer by nature, but damn.

have seen far too few navels other than my own lately, but that's of a piece with the whole movement of my energies lately.
am not in a place to commit to a single navel, and have little interest for the sort of free-wheeling navel explorations i once savored...
i can only assume that this is a phase.
(well... there WAS the indigo girls incident, but that's for another post.)

work has been a challenge. of this, more later. this is my day off, dammit. MY brainspace, MY brainspace!!

the cats are awesome. nora is a bitchmonkey, and oddny is a cuddlypurrbucketkitten. they are obscenely spoiled and slowly turning my one good chair into a gerhard richter-esque work of art.

i'm glad to see you all. off to spend a profitable hour or six catching up on your lives!

i must say, the first 12 hours of 2006 have been astoundingly fabulous.

great company
much laughter
abundant food & drink
champagne
fireworks
first kiss of year from exactly the right person (and not at all who i expected either)
flannel sheets & down comforter
woke up giggling
got some bomb coffee in my cup
reading 2005 journals & painting
no foreseeable reason to get out of my jammies until tomorrow around 10am


( and i've been noodling around with this tooCollapse )

hey, i have an idea... let's all have a wonderful, creative, eventful '06 full of much love and laughter. and, for them what needs it, a whole bunch of really good healthy sex. cheers all!

i think i've packed about 3.5 actual days into the last 24 hours.

and it is time to sleep.

if you EVER, EVER see me with a tweezers in my hand, and that hand is pointed anywhere toward my eyebrows, PLEASE IMMEDIATELY PERFORM AN INTERVENTION.

under no circumstances allow me to pluck even one eyebrow hair. do not be deterred, no matter how i beg and plead and point out how much more like nicole kidman's eyebrows mine could be if i just thinned them out a little, just one little tweeze won't hurt, see they're uneven now and i just need to get them balanced out and then i'll never do it again, i'll go to a salon once i have some cash i swear...

your job as my friend is to swiftly lock me in a tweezer-free room with a mineral water and several national geographics until i come to my senses.

of course, this won't happen for several more months because after today's experience i'm going to have to just shave the fuckers off and start over.

and despite my best efforts, i CANNOT sleep past 7 a.m.

this is something about which i am completely helpless. "just go back to sleep," people say. ha! not gonna happen. it's 7 a.m., and my brain is already panting desperately on its hamster wheel, spinning round and round:

things i need to do. things i didn't do but should have or wanted to. things i might do someday if i ever catch up on the things i still haven't done.

dishesrentwaterplantscallmommaillatexmasgiftsgrocerieswritethatpoem
makehairapptputcoolantincargetnewwindshieldwritethatpoemvacuumandmop
gotolongsgetbetterfoodforthecat2006calendaraskofffordentistcleanbathroom
writethatpoemwritethankyounoteswaterplantsorganizephotosfinishunpacking
dolaundrypaybillschangeaddresscleanupwaxspillwritethatpoemdusteverything

how i envy those who can just roll over and drop back into sleep. sometimes i can get up and get a good productive couple of hours in and then nap. other times, today for instance, i sort of drift around, feeling like i SHOULD be relaxing and enjoying my day off but not actually allowing myself to do so. then i get on LJ to kvetch and see what all my friends are doing, except that most of them are still asleep.

unrelated notes:

-nora the cat does not appreciate the indignity of a halter and leash which i am requiring for her visits to the balcony.

-sexual harrassment training last night. resolved: never again to look at, speak to, or god forbid touch a coworker, neither at work nor in any kind of social setting. no risque jokes. DEFINITELY no "banter" of any sort. and as for all that wild monkey sex we've been having in the admin areas--well, we're gonna have to cut way back on that too, it would seem.

-nathanhj and Tyche are coming by for dinner tonight. this makes me happyhappy.

-dream last night: the man breaks up with me because he's met a new girl, whom he describes as "a real freak" that he met at the poet&patriot in santa cruz. i get terribly hurt because i obviously failed to "get freaky" with him enough. jealousy, failure, heartbreak, etc. then he introduces me to her and she is indeed a freak. she is a 2 foot tall cartoon woman, sort of looks like butters from southpark. she has no mouth. she's dressed in the fuzzy that my cat sleeps on. they live together in my grandma's wood-panelled tv room/back porch in st louis. and still, somehow, none of this makes me feel any better. i wake up actually angry at the man. what up with that????

maybe if my dreams weren't so emotionally wrenching, falling back asleep at 7 would be a more attractive proposition... off to water the plants. happy thursday, all!

oh, and because i have no meme-willpower at all:

Your 2005 Song Is

Beverly Hills by Weezer "My automobile is a piece of crap My fashion sense is a little whack And my friends are just as screwy as me" You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

PREEEE-cisely. although i wouldn't say i "breezed" through 2005. 2005 sort of breezed through me like a tornado and my "funky style" involved hanging on by my fingertips. the lyrics, however, are right on.

Found on dailykos:

( Seasonal Greetings, 2005-styleCollapse )

my cat is HIGH, y'all.

we have discovered catnip. i think maybe we went a little overboard. first time and all.

she reminds me of everybody i've ever seen doing MDMA. (yes, this includes you. oh, and you too.)

oh my god she is eating the contents of my shredder bin. wow.