bitterfig

In Dan Savage’s Savage Love column a woman calling herself “Auntie Mame” wrote in about her five year old nephew who she suspects is gay.  Apparently the little boy enjoys “putting on make-up, watching and dancing along to musicals with vampy women (like Chicago), playing dress-up.”  The boy’s father however had strictly prohibited these activities and his Aunt wondered if it was okay to let her nephew do these things he was visiting her even though his father didn’t want him doing them at all.

Dan Savage responded by saying that she should love her nephew unconditionally, provide him with a safe space in which to be himself and to “lie lots” if necessary.  I imagine Savage is going to take a certain amount of flack for this suggestion.  Parental authority is a touchy subject and a lot of people are going to disagree with the idea that it’s ever all right for an adult to lie to parents about their child or expressly go against their wishes and rules. 

Still, I have to admit when I read this it reminded me of something I was thinking about when I read Frances Hodgson Burnett’s The Secret Garden earlier this year.  In almost every enduring childrens book—from Where the Wild Things Are to Harriet the Spy to Harry Potter- there are almost always situations where children disobey parents or authority figures, break their rules and sneak around behind their backs.  I find this interesting, almost like a system of checks and balances.  While children are told they must do as adults, especially parents say they’re also sent the message through stories that adults and parents have limitations, that sometimes they don’t know best and that staying safe and doing as your told isn’t always the right thing. 

The Secret Garden is almost a reversal of the Adam and Eve legend.  Mary is essentially set loose on the grounds of a great house and the only thing forbidden to her is the secret garden.  She insists and finding it, entering it, bringing others in and in the process changes the lives of all involved for the better. 

Somewhere in this world there are parents who don’t want to control their children, who want them to grow, but I didn’t have parents like that.  Even when I was in fourth or fifth grade I still thought I could live by their rules all the time.  I remember I’d get indigant when classmates say “Oh my God,” because that was swearing and according to the parents that was wrong. 

I can’t help but think that I was encouraged to look beyond my parent’s very restrictive worldview by reading books.  Trixie Belden for instance was always doing dangerous things, sneaking around and spying but she always ended up helping people and solving mysteries in the end.