Well I've been finding myself feeling lonelier and lonelier as the weeks pass and the days go on.

How do you tell someone something with out making it weird?

How about telling them with out the fear of rejection, even though you may already know you will be rejected?

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-OMD

I wonder sometimes if people ever realize how amazing it is to have someone by their side through anything. I have had people that I called "friends" come in and out of my life for years now. Its just an amazing time for people to be around those that they enjoy, rather than those that bring down the crowd.

I wonder sometimes if I am ever going to get rid of the loneliness i have felt for nearly three years now. Just having someone to be around and to love me for who I am. I am done trying to be someone that fits a person's desciption of a beautiful person. When it turns out that Im not what they are looking for anyways.

I wonder sometimes if people who have animals to abuse them ever die a painful death due to afflicting pain on a poor hopeless, defensless animal. I love my kitty. <3 you Beazel
and my god daughter Nani.

I wonder if people ever just sit back and watch as the world passes by. Possibly open their eyes to things they never seen before, and see what life may be like from another's perspective.

I wonder why there are times that my entries on here are nothing but rants that made sense to me in the past, but now that I go back and read them, they make absolutely none at all.

well i can honestly say florida does suck.
i met a girl from my middle school on ftj who moved to fl, same town as me. kinda cool but weird.
i have a crush on this girl jen in my american literature class. shes kinda dikey but its a good look for her.
oh and we never even talked to each other >.<

i miss my ct people

hmm renaissance fair saturday?

 ok so i might be moving into my dads so i wont have to pay anybody rent and i can save some money up. bad news about that is im gonna be in the living room until he finishes the bedrooms upstairs then i can have my old room back.

Zaira is moving into her moms and just about all of her stuff is there already but we still havent brought her bed and tv. she wants to stay at her house until she can find someone to take her chiuhua or how ever you spell it. i feel bad that she has to get rid of teddy cuz hes cute as hell. im gonna miss staying with her. she said the only way i can sleep over her moms is if she sneeks me in and out.

Yesterday Zaira and me took my car to NYC in the morning. when we got there we called Love for directions to The Bronx to pick him up and give his uncle a ride to work. From there he brought us to The Village. I gotta say it was pretty cool to see rainbow flags hanging all over the place. From there we paid for a day pass on the subwaysso we could go where ever we wanted. We tried to find this place in Little Brazil so that Zaira could renew her passport but since we didnt find it we went to Central Park and took the subways back to The Village to get my car and go to The Bronx. I gotta say yesterday went by too damn fast. we didnt get back to Loves house until like 9. we were gonna stay the night there but Zaira had work today. Next time we go though im gonna save some money cuz I found this restaurant that Ive been looking for there, I looked online for days but i couldnt find it. and actually i found 2 of them. one is in The Village and the other is a few blocks from Central Park.


well Zaira bought a camera to take pics and shes got some with me and her that'll come out cute. esp the one with her standing on the bench behind me hugging me on the board walk over looking The Brooklyn Br all lit up. hopefully she gets them developed soon

well im gonna go. time for my one meal of the day.lol jk later

ok damn i forgot i had an lj. im gonna just post something for now. not everyday or every week either cuz well i dont get any connections at Zairas house. shes been bringing my lap top to her moms just so she can go on. 

an update on life.

life sux as always. WCSU fired me cuz Maureen didnt like how i cleaned, i quit park pizza cuz i cant deal with there shit anymore. they got mad cuz i went with Zaira to work one day and they said i was holding her back from doing her job and i didnt want to take 2 deliveries on my day off for them. i got a new job working the overnight shift at kmart in southbury. its kool my manager is cool as hell. hes always cracking jokes about my bumper sticker. it says "If your going to ride my ass, atleast pull my hair." so hes always saying that hes gonna do that, i work with a kid i graduated with and this guy Cory. so those are the only 3 guys i talk to there and there are only 3 other girls who work there, Puala and Jessey. i talk to Jessey more cuz shes just fun to be around, well me and Zaira were planning on getting an apartment together or with my aunt but shes moving back to her moms and i gotta go back to Lindas which im not gonna be there for long cuz she doesnt want me there anymore. Ive been thinking about getting a place with my aunt now or going to Florida with my mom for a few months. i cant do that yet though i mean Becky just got out of jail so shes in a program where she can come home for about 6 hrs once a week. i get to see her agian sunday so im gonna pick her up with Zaira and Nina ohh and Nick too. 

im still single at the moment but kinda friends with benefits with Zaira. she told me she loves me but doesnt wanna be in a relationship cuz of what China did to her. which is understandable. i dont want a relationship yet either, dont get me wrong i love the girl to death. shes the first person that actually treated me good. she just has this heart of fucking gold. i mean i never thought of her like i do now a few months ago. i mean i didnt even know here when she started at park pizza, she started while i was going through the bullshit of moving. i never got close to her even as a friend until Becky wanted to go over to her house for the parties. Zaira would come up to me everytime i smoked and just start pushing me around cuz i was too quiet. then when Becky went to jail i started to go over to her house after she moved to naugatuck instead of hanging out with Nina. i would be at her house until like 3 in the morning tired as hell and decide to go home. then one day she just was like begging me to sleep over so i would then we went from just hanging out and playing gamesto flirting while we played all the time. we went to the club one time it was Zaira, Love, Lilly, and me. while we were on the dance floor that Zaira had to drag me to Lilly comes up to me and says to me in my ear "Why dont you kiss her? She's been waiting for you to." so when she came up to me to dance agian i did. and that whole night we were there she would dance with me and grab me to kiss me.


well i must say shes a damn good kisser and well :x other things.


i had a scare with her for a few days. she got into an accident and then got upset and decided to go back to Brazil. but now she not going yet, she wants to wait a while to send money down there. she wants me to go there and visit when i can just to take a few weeks vaca there. tickets are cheaper to go there than they are to Florida. 

on a heavier note my stepmoms do Buster (Brownie) was shot by a cop. they shot him right through the mouth and there was no way to pay for his hospital bills so my dad n stepmom put him to sleep. i think that was one of the toughest times i had since i broke up with Heather and Becky went to jail. but we burried the dog out by the barn and made a lil sitting area out there too.

So yea speaking of Heather I saw her at the mall in Spencers. it was kinda akward seeing her. i wanted to say hi but i decided not to cuz i ddint want shit to statr happening with arguements and shit. i mean one of the girls in Spencers already told me im not allowed in there cuz Nick took a pic of me in the Spencers out in the Post mall. so she told me im not allowed in the one in waterbury, fuck her. i go in there all the time anyways, walking right past her and everything,

god damn its almost 7

hopefully Z's in a good mood today. 

well gotta go 


ill leave you with a song. it tells how  feel about a past relationship now.








You won’t admit it, but it’s true – I’m happy without you
I turned away and let your drama pull you in
You always said I was a fool, but something carried through
I never wanna see your face again

So many problems left behind… I’m sorting out my mind
This Idiot has turned into a better man
I found my soul in someone else, who doesn’t feel like hell
Who doesn’t wanna make me kill myself

No! No! I have every right to hate you
No! No! I have every right to hate you

I was leaving, stop believing, then I end up right back in your arms
Now I’m bleeding, fucking seething – I was through with you long time ago

Some people suffer for no reason, but they’re the ones to blame
So walk away, let it go and save yourself
Before you tell yourself a lie, just tell that one goodbye
How much more can you take before you fucking die?

No! No! I have every right to hate you
No! No! I have every right to hate you

I was leaving, stop believing, then I end up right back in your arms
Now I’m bleeding, fucking seething – I was through with you a long time ago 

~Suffer~Stone Sour

ok i fixedd my computer for now...





OHH AND IM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!! i found my ring agian!!!


that is all 

byez.. ilu babe<3 and the ring