well if anyone is still following me, im still alive..not that i want to be. things have got worse for me. but im hoping to cope. i really do wanna live but right now this seems to be my only way out! i wish someone could take me back 10 years and say here is your chance start agin. but i know thats not gonna happen!

I realised today, that I am so lonely.

Its all fucked up!

And I was the one that caused.

How stupid can I be!

Apparently, there is gonna be a long hot summer!

Oh yay!

Not bad enough that my family is already suspicious.

Am not looking forward to the summer!

I've spent all day in my room

All I've done is talk to myself, out loud sometimes. And laughed at fuck all.

I don't no wat I've been laughing at.

I think I'm going crazy!

Crazier-er!

Had shitty couple of weeks. Being jobless is awful! And being too far away from your friends is just as bad. I miss them. I know I should be making new friends but I'm not the most social of people and I never thought id be here for this long or without a job.

I've decided to start exercising again. Seeing as though I have all the time in the world, I thought I might aswell increase my exercise.

My mum and dad are talking about going to spain for the end of the year. Asked if I wanted to go and just said that spain isn't my sort of place to visit. I would love to go and spend my days on the beach and spending time in the sun, but can't do that by walking around in a hoody and skinny jeans. I think my parents would get a shock if they saw me in a bikini!!

Thinking of telling my big brother about my s.h. I think that out of all my family he would be the one who I could talk to. But really gotta think about it first. Big step!

God i need a drink.

And i want to cut.

Not  a good combination!

I cried over my family today. Havent done that in a long time. I made myself promise that i would not let them make me cry.

All because of my stupid wii!

I woke up to people playing on it, and i dont mind just as long as they ask, its not hard to ask 'Can i go on your wii?' not very hard. so i came down and my brother, who is like the sporn of satan to me, was on it with my dad. Yea my dad is okay but not him. He is my trigger, no matter how hard i try to get away from him, he is always there with his comments. I cant escape him.

I told everyone to get off it apart fom my dad, and my mum had a go at me, telling me to let James play. She had a right go at me because i said no. If i went on James psp without asking, she would have a right go at me, but because itsJames, her favourite, its a different story.

I was walking up stairs, a little while after, and james was at top and he turned around and said, did you cut then? i didnt answer him and he said, ill take your silence as a yes, why dont you just die Charlotte, get it over with. So i went into my room, and cried like i havent done in forever. I thought i couldnt cry anymore, btu recently ive been over emotional, and its not PMT!

I cant stay here with him much longer. I need to get away!

I HATE my family!

I had a really fucked up dream the other night. Basically my house was bombed by Russians at 11.32 in the morning and i ran inside to get my diary - gotta save that! Then it was night and i was outside in the garden, the house was pretty much fine apart from a hole in the roof, and i saw like a nasa space rocket in the sky. Then my parents and brothers decided they were going to bed and told me to stay up all night to keep an eye for the bombers. But there was bombs being dropped all around us, so i agreed and told my mum to wake me up at 11 the next morining, because i knew that we would be bombed again at 11.32 again. Allthe while i kept thinking, why dont we just get a bomb shelter!

FREAKY - ASS DREAM!!!!

The start of the new year is not going to well. Been arguing with my mum alot more than usual and i always seem to be pissed off! its starting to get annoying. Im alwasy going out for walks, which is annoying my mum. at least im not sitting at home on my arse like my brothers!

My mum saw some scars the other day, she asked what i did and i blamed the cat!!! how fucking stupid is that?! blaming the cat. she hasnt said anything since so doesnt matter!

Happy New Year everyone.

Im sure this is going to be as shit as last year.

Im sure im gonna waste this one aswell.

Gah!!!!

Should stop drinking now.