I am seen in the ER every now and again (for mostly medical reasons) at this super small hospital that seems to see mental health issues on my records and take that to mean I'm a complete whack job. On Sunday I was feeling very very low. I felt like I was getting no relief from my Valium and called my therapist's emergency #. She wasn't on call so I called the ER and asked them if I came in if they would trade my Valium for some new pills or something because mine was left outside in below freezing weather and I thought it might affect it. I really needed the Valium to work or something because my anxiety was very high and I was having scary thoughts like images of suicide and such come into my mind. My therapist didn't call back after an hour so I decided to go to the ER even though the doctor said over the phone he'd not trade my pills or give me anything.
I asked to talk to the Mental Health worker on call when I got there and was denied. At that time my therapist called the ER looking for me. I spoke briefly on the phone with her and she agreed to contact the on call mental health provider for me. So I sat in the ER waiting room watching some Christmas special while my DH took my 6 year and 18 month old sons to another area of the hospital to get a snack.
Finally my therapist calls back to the ER and they give me the phone. She said the on call mental health provider thought I would be fine to just to go home if my vital signs were good. I told her the anxiety was really bad and I didn't think I'd make it through the night. She said that was what he had said so I was angry and said thank you (I wasn't angry at her) and slammed the phone down on the counter.
Then I exited the ER to find my children and husband. After doing so we reentered the ER to exit the hospital. No one confronted me or asked me not to go.
Turns out the next day a report was filed with CPS stating I had thrown the phone AT SOMEONE in front of MY CHILDREN and scared them. It said I was a mental patient and that they were concerned about abuse and neglect. It was a total and complete lie. As I stated above what happened. I was also considered leaving AMA even though I talked to Mental Health over the phone AND heard from the ER doctor on the phone before I arrived.
My mental health providers gave me a few hours of a heads up CPS had been contacted. My therapist did not agree with the need but said she couldn't do anything.
I left therapy and within the hour CPS was at my door. We had just bought $150 worth of groceries and were trying to put them away. My house was a MESS. Not FILTHY but very messy. I felt I had nothing to hide but a messy house so I invited the case worker inside. She was pleasant enough but I was very nervous. I agreed to sign permission for her to talk to my doctor, therapist, Geoff's (6) school *he's home-schooled but where I file paper work*, our babysitter, and 2 people who work inside the hospital.
Then she interviewed my son. She asked him all sorts of questions about safety. What it was and such. Leading up to asking him if he felt safe at home. Those types of things. Then if he was ever afraid at the hospital. He said no. Then if he ever saw me throw anything to which he said I threw water on him once when he was bad and I about died. She asked if it was hot or cold than other ways I discipline him. It was cold of course! Duh! He said he has to go to his room, stand in the corner, or get a present taken away. She seemed fine with that. She asked specifically if he ever saw me throw a phone and he said "no, that would be funny".
They talked for several more minutes and he brought out a few of his favorite stuffed toys to show her. Finally he left to go play in his room and she told me he did really well and is very smart. We agreed for her to come back the next day (Thursday) to inspect the house.
When she walked in the door Thursday she had stockings for my children with handmade mittens and hats. I thought this was inappropriate as they each have about 4 hats and 2 pair of mittens. She said they had a ton so we took them. She said "WOW" when she came in and said it was a big difference and that we had done really good. I guess she assumed we were up all night scrubbing. We did do a lot of cleaning but nothing too gross. I told Geoff to take her to see his bedroom which he did and she thought it was nice and liked the stars on the ceiling. I told her we are starting to train the baby to sleep in a toddler bed and she thought that was a good idea.
Next I offered Geoffy show her the play room and she was impressed again I really think. She even asked where I found the wall decor (I ordered it from a French company) and said I find really good toys. After chatting about toys I asked what else she needed to see and she said nothing but she was really concerned about me. I took her into Geoff's classroom area and she really liked he had a "real" school desk and the paper chain we made to count down to our vacation.
She told me she talked to their doctor and he gave a good report. She said she talked to my therapist and she said I was SUICIDAL that really got to me! I had suicidal thoughts one night (and on a few intake sheets before therapy sessions) not PLANS or ATTEMPTS. She asked if I was on medication I told her yes and she requested I show her where I keep it. It was up in a high cupboard which was good. The rest is foggy to my memory. I know she said she was concerned about me (mentally) and that she wanted to see what plan my mental health care providers had for me. She asked if she could bring my children another gift next time she came to visit (I think this is strange) and I told her okay even though I was uncomfortable with it.
Lastly, she asked how all of this was affecting my anxiety and I told her what was true at that time - that I had nothing to hide so it was more irritating. Also that not being able to trust the ER freaked me out. I am thinking now maybe I should have expressed more concern? I don't know. I am for sure more panicked now!
The part I don't remember is when she is coming back. I was so stressed I can't remember what's next.
I'm so freaked out somehow my children are going to get taken away from me. I know it's not likely considering they have a good loving home BUT I do have a history of mental illness (possible BPD and anxiety) and I have been reading Online in some states places will take your children for something like that. Even if you are in therapy and trying to get help. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, self harm or anything of the like. I have just been reporting "thoughts" and "impulses" to which I have been fighting (I reported those to my therapist not CPS but idk what my therapist told her). I do have a history as a teenager of attempted suicide and mental distress including 2 brief hospital stays.
The only other skeleton in my closet I can think of is I took Geoff in to the public school to be tested to see if he needed speech. They said that he did need more testing and called several time but I didn't bring him back because the promblem got 80% better by the time they got back to me. I also did reseach and found out that sound doesn't fully develop normally until 5-7 years old.
I am just really afraid that my looking for help and being honest is going to hurt me. I couldn't live without my kids.
I haven't slept in days!
rockin_mama:
bouncy
exhausted
dorky
satisfied
pleased
happy
curious