Life, Exaggerated

ME: I wish I had a Sailor Moon outfit.

MY MOM: You're a colossal disappointment.

*Thursday Night*

ME: *puts lotion on*

MOM: LET'S GO!!11

ME: K!

ME: *opens the door to outside*

THE DOOR TO OUTSIDE: *blows my lotion smell into MOM*

MOM: *is behind me* Argh, you smell like a French whore!

ME: ..wtf?! Huh?!

MOM: You do!

ME: *goes inside to get something, then comes back out* I'm not Creole, as much as I want to be, sorry.

*later at the KINGDOM HALL*

MY SHOES: *are so teh kinky*

AUDREY: omg your shoes! Neato.

ME: If I do say so myself, they're a bit...well, the 'K' word.

AUDREY: What's the 'K' word?

ME: *whispering* Kinky.

AUDREY: *dies*

*after the meeting*

EVERYONE: *is looking at my shoes*

ME: Everyone look at my feet!

THE END: *is not yet here, I just can't remember what else I want to put down*

ME: *watches Pokemon because of the sad lack of anything else being on basic TV channels*

MOM: *stumbles in, sits way too close to me* What is that thing?

ME: It's a chicken-type Pokemon...I guess.

MOM: It looks like a penis with feathers.

ME: A chicken can never just be a chicken, can it?

MOM: Well, it is.

K = So why is oil a good symbol of Confirmation?

Sara = Because we start wars in the Middle East over it, just like Christianity?

Kim = Because it kills little otters and fishes and things in the ocean?

Sara = Because it makes gasoline, which runs cars, which are most slowly killing the ozone layer, causing the APOCALYPSE. There's an APOCALYPSE IN THE BIBLE, TOO!!!!!111

K= ...because it makes fire and it's important. You wouldn't pick...grass or something like that to symbolize the Holy Spirit, now would you?

Kim = Yes. I would.

Sara = Grass feeds grazing animals, which feed us. I think we'd be pretty screwed without the grass.
K = THAT'S IMPROPER LANGUAGE.

Zach = Hey, people always say the grass is greener on the other side, right? SO THE GRASS IS IMPORTANT.

...Catholic school love. Seriously.

MOM: *rambles on about the uses of the old timey douche bag*

ME: ....oh good god.

MOM: MY GRANNY SHOVED ONE UP HER BUTT, TOO!

ME: ...oh fie.

MOM: It wasn't even a douche bag it was just a hose. Oh, it hurts just to remember that.

ME: ...oh spite.

First post, please feel free to stone me.

Everybody at Dojo - *partners with somebody else while Sara is getting shinguards on*
Sara - *is 5'5, yet feels very, very, very small*
Guy - *kicks*
Sara - Well, shit. *mentally counts how many bruises will form*
Sadistic Coach/Sensei Brian - Kick her harder! Sara's tough, she can handle it!
Sara - >______>, ;______;, @______@ *feels rage at coach*
Guy - *kicks so very hard*
Sara - *feels more intense rage and pain* I hate life.
Guy - Your turn.
Sara - *is very focused on intense feelings of REVENGE*
Guy - *is kicked to death and dies* X___X
Sara -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I MUST POST THIS ON MY LJ. *is evil and promptly takes over world*

Mom and I: *watching Alexander the Great*

Mom: ...Is that a guy dancing?

Me: Is it a guy dancing exotically in little more than rags covering his privates? Yes. Alexander was gay.

Mom: Alexander was gay? The Alexander? Alexander the Great? Was gay?

Me: Uh, yes.

Mom: That's just...I...*mumbles incoherently*

*a little later*

Sean: What's gay?

Mom: It's when a guy likes another guy and doesn't want to marry a girl.

Me: *vexed and annoyed* Sean, get out. Now.

THE BUS: *is evil and ghetto*

MEH: *gets up early enough and is actually on tip this morning*

THE BUS: *is evil and ghetto and has already left*

MEH: I ATE YOU LOT ANYWAY!

TEH MUM: Sigh. *scrapes car windows*

MEH: *feels the utmost of guilt*

MY PERIOD: *is the only thing that decides to come today*

NO ONE: *wanted to hear about that*

VIDEO ON ISSAC NEWTON: *is utterly brilliant, enthralling*

TEACHER: Wasn't that great?

ME: YES! IT WAS! I AM RIVETED!

OBJECT OF MY AFFECTION(WHO STARTED IT, BY THE WAY): It was boring.

ME: WE ARE SO DIVORCED!

MY HEART: *shrunk three sizes that day*

EVERYONE ELSE: Dude, Issac Newton IS boring.

ME: I SHALL CASTRATE YOU ALL!

takewing WATCHES HER SOUP COOK. SHE IS MOMENTARILY DISTRACTED BY A BLACK AND YELLOW PLASTIC THING THAT CHOMPS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH IT.

takewing: Neat.
takewing's mom: Put that down.
takewing: Why? What is it?
takewing's mom: A mousetrap.

takewing MAKES A WEIRD GROSSED OUT FACE.

takewing: Itdidn'thaveamouseinitdidit?!?!
takewing's mom: No, I wouldn't have put it on the counter if it had. I HAS been behind the stove for a while, now, though...

takewing PUTS IT BACK AND WASHES HER HANDS THOROUGHLY REGARDLESS.