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[19 Aug 2006|09:07pm] |
hey everyone...
so i know im not too active in these communities these days but my last semester of college takes up a lot of time.... no excuse though b/c food and weight is on my mind 24/7.. i'm going to do it.. i've let myself slip... They put cookie out at my job everyday and I eat them, I've been in transition between apartments so i use it as an excuse to eat out, I let my mom feed me, I am getting my period again so that makes me want to eat... ITS AWEFUL!!! I"M FULL OF EXCUSES THAT ARE NOT JUSTIFIED!! I'M FAILING AND GETTING HUUUUGE!!! Almost my highest weight EVER....
new plan... I do move into my new place this week, and live with my new roomates, so im going to make myself the 'heathly, in shape' roommate who doesnt really eat much but looks great... It'll be great b/c they work 9-5pm and i can easily say i ate before they got home or something.. I was the athletic, in shape one last year and then all summer ive been a F*ck up.. but this year im gonna be the in shape one again..
I have a health food store 3 blocks from my new house and it is the ONLY place I will let myself buy anything... just veggies, occasionally fruit and all my vitamins...
Im not going to fight with myself for the rest of my life, IM going to just make it happen... get the body I want and keep it... I want not eating and being skinny to become a natural habit not something im constantly working at...
I can do this.. I have to.. this is my last chance.. I blew it this summer.. looking shitty in a bathing suit... but I'm going LA in a month and I better see some improvement by then!!!
Thanks for the support!! Love to all of you!! Stay strong!!
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[25 Jul 2005|07:54pm] |
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X posted everywhere
<lj-cut text=".....hopeless and mad....(forgive the language)...kinda depressing too...sorry.."
will things ever change?
im so sick of myself...
i am so sick of being fat..
I am so sick of feeling the fat wrapped around my insides...
I am so sick of feeling my fat roll over my waist bands...
I feel the rolls on my stomach rub together each time I sit down...
I hate feeling fat in my clothes...
i just want it all to change.. I never want to eat again and yet.. all i think about is food... I need to get past this.... I hate being fat.... i will be thin..
this is pathetic.. i am pathetic.. I can't handle this...
F* the world of food...
F*ck McDonalds..
F*ck Fast food
F*ck pizza
F*ck cheese steaks
F*ck sweets
F*ck chocolate
F*ck ice cream
F*ck twistlers!
F*ck vending machines!
F*ck HUNGER!!!
This is such BULLSH*T!! i hate it.. all i do is waste TONS of cash on food that I either A) binge on and thros up or B) realize i dont need and so I pray it with lysol so i dont eat it and throw it out..
I would have so much more cash if I could give up food...
I need new avoidance techniques.. it sounds rediculious I know.. but i dont know what else to do... I dont know how to stop... I am just so disgusted with myself... i know i can't cut... its summer.. the razor is calling but i refuse to do it.....I can't start it again....
But i dont know what to do to stop eating... I just don't know... I cant get myself to get out of my apartment... I just want to die... I dont know how to get myself to exersize or do anything.. I just think food 24/7...
I wanna make fasting my life.. fasting my habit... no more over eating.... I need to start gaining control....I need to drop the weight... I hate this!
i cancelled my appointment with my therapist for tomorrow.. I don't want to talk to her ever again.. she is not a good therapist... I tell her exactly what she wants to hear.. last time she saw me she thought I was loosing weight.. goodness if she saw me now she would KNOW that I definitly was EATING A LOT!!
I am gettign so depressed too.. I cant concentrate on school work or find a way to be happy.. I['ve been tempted to take more prozac.. but Im scared to just take more of my prescription w/o telling my real doctor.. but I'm definitly tempted to call her and be like I NEED HELP! I'm supposed to see her next week, but I think I'm loosing it, I dont know if i can wait. Granted, I hate knowing I'm on medications...
I need a place to go and be away from my apartment and away from food.... I can go to the library but I don't get any work done there.. I just think about food and plan what I am going to buy at the stands outside the library...
I hate this.... I need something to distract me... any advise girls?
I'm sorry i'm rambling.. and probably not making any sense.. but I need help... I think I'm going over the deep end.... Should I tell my doc I am loosing it? and risk her making me go to a new therapist? which i dont want to do? or do I see if i can handle it on my own? Can I handle it on my own? I need some people to help me do this.. I need to drop the weight....
if i dont eat for anything but diet coke and water.... i should be 100lbs by???
ARGHHHHHH I"M SOOOOO PISSED!!!
How could I have been sooooo close to my stgw and then blow it!!
I suck
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[05 Jul 2005|11:12pm] |
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Hey all,
Sorry I havn't been around much, some issues came up, and it became nessicary for me to confront them.
So anyways, I need you lot to visit the web-site again and vote in the poll on there, it will help me to determine what to add to the site next, it would be a great help, and I would really apriciate it.
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[04 Jul 2005|01:57pm] |
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ok.. so i was doing well today.. nothing but a glass of soy milk and water.. then my mom wanted to pick up food on the way home from shopping... i said i would just eat the fruit we had at home and so she was ok with that... but then when I got home, I ACTUALLY had to eat the fruit... and that lead to fruit, raisins, trail mix, SUPER Fatty bannana nut bread (first four ingredients: flour, sugar, shortning, eggs... HOWW GROSS!!!!!) I thought I was just gonna binge and be a failure but then I felt sick like my stomach hurt a lot and I felt weird.. so I did purge... which was good but I dont think I got everything out b/c it was a bit too late to get some of it out.. i dunno i just feel like shit.. it makes me soo mad tooo b/c when I was out shopping w/ my mom (pre lunch) I bought new SKINNY CLOTHES!! not like goal weight clothes but smaller than b4.. and now I feel too mcChunk to wear em.... I hate life and food....
Gonna go find some inspiration to read....
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[01 Jul 2005|09:46am] |
ok.. so i see the fast is working... slowly but surely... im at 116.2 FINALLY.... 6.2lbs till Im at my STGW....
Stay strong everyone!
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[29 Jun 2005|09:19pm] |
ok.. so i went to the health food store.... loaded up on supplements....but broke my fast though...I suck...
Didnt binge like crazy though.. just had some raisins, and fruit.. not that bad.. better then my candy bindge earlier in the week...
Tomorrow I'm taking a day down the shore... just me, water and a few books... and NO FOOD.. I'm excited, I havent been to the shore all season so far so Im excited to have a day to myself to just be at the beach, get tan, read and not have anyone around me trying to give me food... granted the whole bathing suit thing bites.. but i figure I'm going to the private beach and I'm going alone so no one I know will be there plus its a weekday, so how busy will it be??
I am getting back into the mode though, which is great.. granted I know I did break the fast, but a few raisins and some pineapple is a lot further along than I was before. i wasnt even hungry. I just ate because I went to the food store.....
although sitting here watching Kelly Robinson on that new Dance competition reality show is making me feel gross.. she is ssooo tiny, I love her!!
ok. gotta run but stay strong everyone!!! its summer, we can do it!! We can all be tiny!!!
(oh yea, and my ED doctor asked me if I was losing weight bc she said I looked thin!!!! I was so happy!!! granted I had to pretend I didnt know what she was tlaking about but inside I was giddy!!!! hehehehe)
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| losing my mind.... |
[28 Jun 2005|08:40pm] |
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ok.. so im doing a fast..... till Sunday at least.... Just water and coffee... I'm getting all the weight off because I have to!! I have had enough. I miss my being thin. I miss being good at ana. I miss having it drive me!! I have no drive these days... its sucks...
( this might be a rambly one...Collapse )
we will be successful girls!! If you wanna join the fast let me know...
ps. any tips on what to do when craving food during a fast?? well, besides the one's you see on all the web sites... like one's that reallly REALLY work for ya??
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[25 Jun 2005|08:41am] |
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ok, im loosing my stamina with working out... I feel faint and weak so much sooner than i used too.... I make sure i'm hydrated and well rested b4 I work out but nothing helps... I force myself to at least power walk after my run till I burn like 250 cals.. but i used to be able to RUN off the 250-300 cals then walk to like 500.... granted ive been eating less but not THAT much less...i usually dont eat that much to begin with.... i dunno... any tips on stamina?? My weight isnt changing either...
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[24 Jun 2005|05:24pm] |
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ok, so i worked out today but it was short.. i feel like i was lazy about it.. i only burned 200 cals on the treadmill. I think I have to go back to the gym tonight.... I was doing good at the whole no food thing.. then came the animal crackers... we have this dumb jar of them.. like the bulk size.. its aweful....I just reach in and munch forever.....I'm throwing them out today.... thats all I've had that was solid food. I let myself have coffee for the caffine, water and boolion broth. All i had was the crackers but i had like 1092374598374 servings.... I'm thinking 1000 cals.... I feel like a fatty....no more food today....
ok.. so so far:
2 boullion cubes - 10cals
animal crackers - 1000cals
coffee w/ skim milk - 60cals
total: I AM A FATTY AND NEED TO STOP EATING!!
what i would give to be allergic to food....
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[23 Jun 2005|08:30pm] |
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ok everyone... life sucks....
I started off good today but then I failed again.. stupid animal crackers....like animal crackers?!?! come on! Am I five?? Do I really need animal crackers?!? oh man....
ok, so new start...I'm not going to make plans anymore....I'm not going to let myself think about food.. I am not making it an issue... I just wont eat. I never thought about it before. So why do I now? not eating is part of me. I just need to let it take over again. Its only an issue bc I obsess about it. I just force myself to think about it 24/7.. but no more. This isnt a choice I am making or a path I am following. I just am this way. I shouldnt have to think about it. I developed this without thinking about it, so in order to keep it up I shouldnt think about it either. i do so much better when food isnt on my mind. That way I dont think about what I did or did not eat.. I just let myself be. And I'm ana, so I let myself be ana.
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[22 Jun 2005|08:37am] |
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please let today be a better day... we're strong.. we can all do this.... i used to do it... i used to not even think about it... so today.. im not gonna let myself think it... just gonna do it.. ..I figure 4+ pounds a week and i can be where i wanna be.. 4lbs a week should be easy... support and thinspiration welcome... anyone can IM me anytime @ sparkles717dnc. Think thin
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[21 Jun 2005|10:12pm] |
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today was better.... yesterday sucked.. but today was better.. I ran and ate only fruit.. coffe and water... i can do this.... We all can! stay strong!! Love u all!
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[21 Jun 2005|10:20am] |
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so things have been UBBER SUCKY! recently... but today is a new day.. and im gonna start over.... thus is the story of my life...
trying really hard.. doing well.. then falling flat on my face and trying to start over again.. when will I stop falling??....
when will it be just part of my life to be in control of my eating...I used to have control.. it used to just be part of my life.. i didnt even think about it.. now i have to focus sooooo hard to not eat.. and it takes such an effort to get myself to work out.. when I used to freak out if I didnt work out! I refuse to get on the scale today.. even though I want to sooo bad.. I know the number will be huge so I wont do it. If the number is huge, then I'll just cry and get more depressed.. so no scale today.. I'm just gonna work out all day... and do school work.... I need to get back on track.. im loosing it....
New Plan: As of
July 2nd: I will be at least half way to my goal weight! (My "friend" Mike's 21st B-day!)
July 17th: I will be at my goal weight! (My 21st Birthday!!)
It has to happen bc I cant go on like this..
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| Hey everyone |
[16 Jun 2005|08:23pm] |
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I hope that everyone has been doing really well.. I have been having a hard time.. But tomarrow is a new day.
As some of you know I have been working on building a pro ana website, it is going along very well and 5 of the pages are up and running :-) Here is what I am going to ask you. I need some info for completeling the web-site. The info I need is:
Tips and Tricks, Thinsperational Quotes, Links to other sites, and Food Facts.
If you have anything that would fit into those catergories and you would be willing to share it send it it Love_and_Bones@hotmail.com it would be greatly appriciated.
Here is a link to the site if you would like to look around.
Also if you like the site. Please consider joining the community.. It is supposed to go along with it.
Take care everyone <3
______
Edit: Sorry realized the link didn't work
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[16 Jun 2005|10:24pm] |
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ok.. so I'm a fatty..... this blows.... I dunno whats wrong with me.. last weeek went so well.. like F*CK. its only food, why does it control me the way it does! Not only did I start out with a bad food day but then I got extra depressed bc I knew I was having a bad food day... so what did i do.... Got in my car and drove ALLLLLLL the way to Coldstone Creamerie to buy, NOT ONE, BUT TWO HUGE sundays! thats like 9173249871304987 calories. and I didnt work out this morning. Im an idiot. I just have to re commit u know? Like just put my foot down, make a plan... and do it right? NO food...Lots of exersizes... I dunno i think i need to quite working bc i always go off my schedual when I work on the weekend and then I tail spin out fr like 2 more weeks before I get one more good day! I only ate one ice cream and i threw up some of it but still I feel gross.. I took 4 xenadrine and 2 laxative to try and reduce the effects.. but i can already feel the fat collecting on my thighs.. its disgusting. Im never gonna get my weight back down... My doc is gonna think Im cured since Im getting so f*cking fat. I loved when I was little, and I was the SKINNY one in the group, and I knew people were looking at me bc u could see my collar bones and ribs..,. I know I must sound sooo self centered right now, But i cant handle being the fat one... I know how I think about the fat girls... in fact I was the fat kid in middle school.....htus why I went to ANA. and it has been great until now... I hate this stupid 118 platue .. I want my platue to be at 110 or 105 again.. why the hell cant i get down that low.. I havent grown an inch since then.. i just pig out on ice cream bc i have no will power! ARGH!! I wanted so bad to calll someone and cry while I was driving home from Coldstone but then I was like who can I call??? No one bc no one gets it! I hate myself, I wanna just be normal, but then again I would kill myself if i ever started to look like those other 'normal' girls. I cant be big, i wanna die.....sorry i know this is super melo dramatic, but i had a breakdown otday and need to just vent it. I feel like Im going crazy.......
ok so good news and bad news..... the BF isnt coming back from costa rica till august, so I have a month.... I miss him madly buuuuuutttt,....this way I WILL BE 105 when he returns! I dont care what it takes. All im gonna do is school work and exersize all summer. I will be the skinny one in my apt next year. I will be thin. I refuse to give into this obesity that seems to be attacking me... my BMI this morning was 19.... it was like 14 only a few omnths ago... what the hell is wrong with me!!
I'm going to make it....we all are.... All thinspiration is welcome here! I need it! feel free to Email or IM me..
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