hi im new and this is the story of my life. part 1.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm fully in a depression state. I'm starting to believe this whole anorexia deal is just a mere side effect of my depression which probably came before all of this. It all started when I came into high school 3 years ago. I came out of junior high which were the best years of my life. I had 5 close girlfriends, boyfriends right and left, i was what you call "popular" and I loved the life so much. no stress and all easy and smooth.
Then high school started. ugh coming into freshman year, 2 out of us 6 went to a different high school, and the other 4 including me stayed together which was super hard. About 4 months into school we all broke up which was the most unexpecting thing to happen according to everyone. Nobody thought we'd break up. So now it was just me and my best friend which we are still best friends for about 6-7 years. We have been through everything and have moved from group to group to groups of friends over the past 3 years. The only problem with all of this is the fact that she's had so many boyfriends and guys and hookups and stuff and I have had almost nothing. There is nothing wrong with me but ever since, I have become shyer and quieter and more self conscience compared to the crazy wild me in Jr. High. Now my friend and I are in a new group of girlfriends with 7 of us, and the rest of them are soo cliquey I can't stand it. They are the exact type of people I have begun starting to hate. I know this sounds stupid but when I started listening to different types of music and turned "indie" if you will... my views on everything have changed. I am starting to hate my cliquey, fake, annoying friends, except my best friend who is giong through what I am sort of (not half as bad though), and I just want to make new friends. The problem is that my school is the most preppiest, snobby, strictest school EVER, and its now senior year and it's too late to just pick up and go into a whole new group. and even if I try I know I will be rejected b/c these kids think I'm that snobby cheerleader I used to be and IM NOT! ugh These past 2 years I have had absolutely no relations with guys besides the occasional friendships that last a few weeks. and this guy I like who was this cute emoish drummer in a band kid and I were SO close until he met this girl who has a boyfriend! He always said how he loved this girl so much. it's very wierd and ironic b/c this girl and I are like the same exact person (looks, hair, height, weight, interests, music, vegetarian, the way we talk and type, the way we act and think, the way we dress and do our hair, the way we make our smiley faces, the food we love,.. EVERYTHING!!) it's so wierd that this guy and i both had a hard time believing it. Anyways, he's had a crush on her since a year ago even when she's still not single and I have just been to go-toer whenever he was sad or mad. He still doesn't even know that I like/liked him ever and I can't tell him b/c it would be really awkward! and also the fact that we are in 2 totally different groups of "friends." I'm crawling deeper into a hole that I never knew I'd get into. I would have never expected myself to be this way!! All I can say is that I can't wait till college and high school to be over! I want to make new friends who are actual worthy of the term "friend." I want a boyfriend who will care about me. I want to be normal and stop being self conscience and shy and paranoid 24/7.
O YEAH and to make matters ever worse, my friends basically ditched me tonight. they told me they would call me at 9ish and fianlly I texted them at 11:15 and they were all, "omg we totally called you! come over and look at my phone if u dont believe us! blah blah blah come over now!" i was like um no hung up and just started crying. I don't know why I have to be like this. It's just so unfair because i don't deserve this one bit. I ate a fucking shitload today and felt the most hopeless I've ever been, and now I just want to drown in my sleep and die and never be born ever. Unlike some people who cut or binge and purge and God knows what, I am unfortunate b/c I have no idea how to deal with this. I dont have a therapist like some lucky people and like.. am I supposed to want a therapist? and I supposed to contemplate suicide? what am I supposed to do?? wait all these fucking months till school is over? then what about the summer? I will still be lonely all summer! and even if I want to go to college as soon as possible, I can't even think about college b/c all this college stuff and ACTS and applications and stress is driving me crazy. I've had several breakdowns in front of my parents, and that was only over college shit. Imagine what they would do if they knew all the other things I was deperssed over. haha im so pathetic. wow this is so lame. yup.
-EDIT:- so in conclusion, I have become: a low life loser with no true, honest, or trustworthy friends, who is stressed beyond belief and has nothing to lose, who has no guy friends or boyfriends or anything important or special to do in my spare time, who sits around waiting for everyone and caring about everyone on command, who gets no love or respect back, who is being rejected and can't be happy ever, who's lost all self esteem and confindence, a depressed (failing) anorexic who has nothing better to do but cry and say she doesn't deserve this, and be jealous and wonder how she ever got in this position and when it will all end. the end. ;_;
Then high school started. ugh coming into freshman year, 2 out of us 6 went to a different high school, and the other 4 including me stayed together which was super hard. About 4 months into school we all broke up which was the most unexpecting thing to happen according to everyone. Nobody thought we'd break up. So now it was just me and my best friend which we are still best friends for about 6-7 years. We have been through everything and have moved from group to group to groups of friends over the past 3 years. The only problem with all of this is the fact that she's had so many boyfriends and guys and hookups and stuff and I have had almost nothing. There is nothing wrong with me but ever since, I have become shyer and quieter and more self conscience compared to the crazy wild me in Jr. High. Now my friend and I are in a new group of girlfriends with 7 of us, and the rest of them are soo cliquey I can't stand it. They are the exact type of people I have begun starting to hate. I know this sounds stupid but when I started listening to different types of music and turned "indie" if you will... my views on everything have changed. I am starting to hate my cliquey, fake, annoying friends, except my best friend who is giong through what I am sort of (not half as bad though), and I just want to make new friends. The problem is that my school is the most preppiest, snobby, strictest school EVER, and its now senior year and it's too late to just pick up and go into a whole new group. and even if I try I know I will be rejected b/c these kids think I'm that snobby cheerleader I used to be and IM NOT! ugh These past 2 years I have had absolutely no relations with guys besides the occasional friendships that last a few weeks. and this guy I like who was this cute emoish drummer in a band kid and I were SO close until he met this girl who has a boyfriend! He always said how he loved this girl so much. it's very wierd and ironic b/c this girl and I are like the same exact person (looks, hair, height, weight, interests, music, vegetarian, the way we talk and type, the way we act and think, the way we dress and do our hair, the way we make our smiley faces, the food we love,.. EVERYTHING!!) it's so wierd that this guy and i both had a hard time believing it. Anyways, he's had a crush on her since a year ago even when she's still not single and I have just been to go-toer whenever he was sad or mad. He still doesn't even know that I like/liked him ever and I can't tell him b/c it would be really awkward! and also the fact that we are in 2 totally different groups of "friends." I'm crawling deeper into a hole that I never knew I'd get into. I would have never expected myself to be this way!! All I can say is that I can't wait till college and high school to be over! I want to make new friends who are actual worthy of the term "friend." I want a boyfriend who will care about me. I want to be normal and stop being self conscience and shy and paranoid 24/7.
O YEAH and to make matters ever worse, my friends basically ditched me tonight. they told me they would call me at 9ish and fianlly I texted them at 11:15 and they were all, "omg we totally called you! come over and look at my phone if u dont believe us! blah blah blah come over now!" i was like um no hung up and just started crying. I don't know why I have to be like this. It's just so unfair because i don't deserve this one bit. I ate a fucking shitload today and felt the most hopeless I've ever been, and now I just want to drown in my sleep and die and never be born ever. Unlike some people who cut or binge and purge and God knows what, I am unfortunate b/c I have no idea how to deal with this. I dont have a therapist like some lucky people and like.. am I supposed to want a therapist? and I supposed to contemplate suicide? what am I supposed to do?? wait all these fucking months till school is over? then what about the summer? I will still be lonely all summer! and even if I want to go to college as soon as possible, I can't even think about college b/c all this college stuff and ACTS and applications and stress is driving me crazy. I've had several breakdowns in front of my parents, and that was only over college shit. Imagine what they would do if they knew all the other things I was deperssed over. haha im so pathetic. wow this is so lame. yup.
-EDIT:- so in conclusion, I have become: a low life loser with no true, honest, or trustworthy friends, who is stressed beyond belief and has nothing to lose, who has no guy friends or boyfriends or anything important or special to do in my spare time, who sits around waiting for everyone and caring about everyone on command, who gets no love or respect back, who is being rejected and can't be happy ever, who's lost all self esteem and confindence, a depressed (failing) anorexic who has nothing better to do but cry and say she doesn't deserve this, and be jealous and wonder how she ever got in this position and when it will all end. the end. ;_;
