We’re constantly told that the bad guys do something called Dark Arts. They are terrible. It’s the worst thing a wizard or witch can do. Any interest in the Dark Arts shows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the person is inherently evil.
If I had been a witch I would have become the darkest witch ever because everybody seems to know what the Dark Arts are… but I don’t. My worst sin as a student was that I always wanted to know why. So I would have been a particularly obtuse wannabe dark witch, worse still, a particularly obtuse dark Gryffindor.
HERBOLOGY:
Me: ”Why do we have to kill Mandrakes, Professor Sprout?”
Professor Sprout: ”They are needed for several potions.”
Me: “But they’re having a party, they’re drinking and having fun. Surely to kill a sentient being is a Dark Art?”
PS: ”Nonsense, according to our Rules and Regulations mandrakes aren’t sentient beings.”
Me: “But how? Why?”
PS: “Because they aren’t. They are just ingredients. Now do as you’re told.”
*prods mandrake with my silver knife. Mandrake shrieks in pain and fights back. I am torturing the little fellow. Mandrake flees. Professor Sprout is annoyed.
TRANSFIGURATION
Professor McGonagall: “Today we are turning hedgehogs into pin-cushions.”
Me: *playing with cute hedgehog* “WHAT?”
PM: “Are you deaf, girl? Turn your hedgehog into a pin-cushion.”
Me: “But surely turning an animal into a thing is painful? Aren’t we slowly killing them? This is evil!”
PM: “Nonsense. Transfiguration is one of the basic skills of Wizardry. Professor Dumbledore used to teach it.”
Me: “I don’t understand. Torturing hedgehogs must be a dark art.”
PM: “Don’t be silly. What have I just told you? Do you think Professor Dumbledore would approve of something evil?”
Me: (unconvinced) “N-no, of course not.”
PM: “Now that you all have mastered the art of turning hedgehogs into pin-cushions, except for Cohen here, we will proceed to vanish kittens.”
Me: “Vanish kittens? Where? Who’s going to take care of them? They’re babies!”
PM: “If you would kindly stop asking stupid questions, Cohen, we might proceed with the lesson.”
Me: “But what happens to the kittens? It’s torture, that’s what it is!”
PM: “Ten points from Gryffindor, Cohen. They are not really alive. To vanish a kitten…”
Me: “But… but they are! Mine is meowing!”
PM: “Twenty points from Gryffindor!”
Me: “Shhhhh…everything is going to be all right…the evil witch won’t vanish You.” *hides kitty inside pocket*
DADA
Professor Lupin: “Now we are going to show our worst fears…”
Me: “I don’t want to.”
PL: “Beg your pardon?
Me: “I don’t want to show my worst fear to my classmates, or to you, or to anyone else.”
PL: “You are the most annoying witch of your age, Cohen. Everybody is having fun.”
Me: “That’s because no one is doing what you said. Those aren’t their worst fears, they are childish fears. This is useless.”
PL: “Really. And how do you know?”
Me: “Because of what Neville said in first year, that’s how I know.”
PL: “You are an insufferable know-it-all. Take your turn.”
Me: “No I won’t, I’m sorry. It’s torture, that’s what it is.”
Professor Moody: “The Cruciatus Curse is unforgivable because it causes unbearable pain.”
Me: “But that’s what we have been doing all the time. We’ve caused unbearable pain.”
PM: “The Avada Kedavra curse kills instantly and painlessly.”
Me: “Ah… I understand.”
*practises the Avada Kedavra curse on Blast-Ended Screwts, no matter how much Hagrid loves them, those aren’t sentient beings*
*gets clue from Professor Snape and practises non-verbal spells*
*proceeds to silently Avada Kedavra Mandrakes, hedgehogs, kittens, everything that remotely resembles a lab animal. At least they will die without pain*
*gets caught by Professor McGonagall, who is horrified. One of her worst students has been practising the darkest of Dark Arts. You-Know-Who’s specialty, no less*
*gets sent to the Headmaster’s office*
Professor Dumbledore: “So, you have been using the Dark Arts to kill the living. You have shown remarkable cunning, Cohen. Sometimes we sort too soon.”
Mother: “What did you learn in school today, dear little girl of mine?”
Me: “They have taught me how to torture, and I have learned to kill.”
the jumble blog 
