Tabono

I kinda hope that this community is quiet because people are doing okay...

I'm posting this here because, well, this is the place, I think.

I feel strange. I'm happy and outgoing in one moment and then suddenly from one second to the next I feel lonely and lost. In such moments I want to stop everything (even though I'm doing better now in life than a few months ago) and hide forever. I don't even need a trigger for it, it comes like that. It's like I have two different personalities in one body...

Does anybody of you know this kind of feeling? I wish I could once be normal in this life.

This article helped me........ definitely worth a read., if you've ever been attacked on the web.....

I figured I'd write my little story so everyone can get an idea of what Im like. Firstly thank you to das_teufelchen and bhaktimarga for making this community, it's great to have somewhere to write things that sometimes you cant put in your own journal.

My name is Rosie Johnstone, Im 27, turning 28 tomorrow, I live in Vancouver B.C. Canada. I come from a great family, I have supportive parents and a warm place to run home to. I have one sister named Clare who's 6 years older than me who's married and has a girl and a boy. I have a boyfriend named Jason, he's 24, we've been in a relationship with for 2 years, we live in an apartment together. We struggle in our relationship sometimes, mostly arguing about money or the old pick up your things, clean up after yourself issues. All in all I love him.

My parents told me that from the moment I was born I was a very needy child, I was "different from my sister". I think I fit the stereotypical "redhead" role quit nicely and Im also an Aries. I have a temper and I have no issues about fighting for what I want. This although has lead me to become super controlling and it's a trait that I loathe. I have always been this way and it stems from when I was younger and I would always get what I wanted. Ive been through therapy multiple times to dig into my inner workings to figure out why Im like this. It all boils down to not having control over my own life, so I feel the need to control other people.

My whole life I've struggled with my weight, from the age of 9 and up I was overweight, I first attended Weight Watchers at the age of 11. I would eat out of boredom or cause I craved the taste of something. I would binge .. eating crackers and peanut butter until I would feel sick. I never made myself throw up though but would keep on eating and eating. I remember Halloween when I'd sit in my room with a sack full of candy and eat and eat and eat until it was all gone. I've lost weight and gained it all back on multiple occasions, Ive felt incredible and Ive felt utterly disgusting. Ive rarely had a positive self image and my weight has been the one major thing Ive never had control over.

Im a drug addict and have been since the age of 18, I have an extremely addictive personality. I started off doing LSD in highschool on weekends, I know I started off pretty big in the drug world but as soon as I did my first hit I knew I was in trouble. It then lead to smoking pot, then to mushrooms, then to ecstacy. I always told myself I'd never do coke and once I got sick of doing E all the time I switched to coke and would do it everynight. I hungout with drug dealers so I would get my hands on everything, I went on a meth binge for 5 days straight and lost about 15 pounds, I did Ketamine (cat tranquilizer), Ice and PCP. I did all this to escape from being me and feeling like shit all the time but I was chasing something I could never grasp. I still to this day have an addiction to coke and E, although it's only on the weekends but it's still an addiction that I cant get rid of. E has messed me up so much emotionally that Im not the same person anymore, it makes me physically ill now. Ive hidden my addiction to drugs to my regular LJ friends cause it's something Im embarrassed about. Ive hidden my addiction from my parents until recently when I told my Dad in a therapy session. He's been very supportive and told me that he knew all along that I was an addict since he was too when he was younger.

My weight and my drug addiction are something I struggle with daily and Im glad I have this place to turn to when I need to write about something that I just cant write in my regular journal and Im glad I wont be judged as we all have our own issues.

XOXOXO

First off all I want to thank das_teufelchen and bhaktimarga for making this community. As soon as I saw it seemed a great idea to me and I joined immediately.

Well, following the lead, this is my little introductory post…

My name is Christine; I’m 22 years old and from Germany, living and working in Munich. Currently, I’m doing a job training to become a specialist in the hotel business. I love working with people of all kind of cultures and backgrounds… I only hate the stress that other people put on you in this job because I can get easily triggered by emotional stress.

Five years ago, two years before my supposed graduation, a combination of personal problems (huge issues with a teacher at school, problems with my father and my friends) triggered off a clinical depression. I also got anxiety problems, meaning I got a panic attack whenever I had to leave the house. Back then I was officially diagnosed with depression, panic disorder, OCD and social anxiety. I also was an active cutter. I actually self harmed in lighter ways for years, but back then it got really worse. I inflicted wounds on myself that bled for hours. Not lot of people know it, but I was actually suicidal back then as well.

In December 2004 I was admitted to a mental rehab clinic where I stayed for over two months for stationary therapy. After another three months of therapy at home, I was finally able to go to school again, finishing a year later.

After being on several different anti-depressants, I‘m not on medication anymore for about a year now (despite something natural that helps me sleep at night). I’m clean of cutting for three and a half years, but unfortunately I picked up other self harm ways again during the last months because of problems that appeared at my working place. I just hope that it won’t become as bad as it was before. I only have to work there until July and hopefully life will be better again after that.

I hope to be able to be a help for other people with problems. I always there to listen and I also hope to find other shoulders to cry on in here.

.......... both Angie aka das_teufelchen and I aka bhaktimarga have written introductory entries here and here.

Just a few things about ourselves and why we wanted to start the community!

Please feel free to have your say as well!

More soon...........

Sash xoxo

I am a big supporter of Women for Women International and wanted to share their latest letter with you guys....                           
    

Women for Women International.....

On Tuesday April 8, at 10pm HBO is premiering the Sundance Film Festival’s 2008 award-winning documentary The Greatest Silence: Rape in the Congo. It will continue to air throughout the month of April.

This powerful, moving film literally breaks through the wall of silence and opens the world's eyes to the tens of thousands of women and small children who have been raped, mutilated and tortured in the name of war.

Emmy award winning producer/director Lisa F. Jackson takes you into the war zones of eastern Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) and introduces you to some of the most courageous, inspiring women and children you'll ever meet. With the help of Women for Women International’s Country Director, Christine Karumba, she interviewed participants in our program. For decades they have suffered in shame and silence.  Now, they are sharing their painful stories with the hope that it will help end these atrocities and they can feel the peace that you and I enjoy every day.

As a friend of Women for Women International, you know the stories these women tell are not just about the unspeakable tragedies they have endured.  Their stories are also about hope, courage and amazing resilience.

It is our privilege to work with these women. In the last two years, we have expanded our programs to reach remote villages and have now helped over 15,000.  The women in our programs receive rights awareness training, job skills training, money for food, clothes and schooling for their children.  And Women for Women International provides a support system that helps her move from victim to survivor to active citizen.

I truly hope that you'll join me in learning more about what is happening in the Democratic Republic of Congo by watching The Greatest Silence.

These women have been given a voice.  Now their voices need to be heard.

Sincerely,

 Zainab Salbi

Hi everyone and welcome to Tabono! I’m Angie aka das_teufelchen and as you have read from Sash’s, aka bhaktimarga, entry, I am the other half of the maintainers here. I am a 31 year old mother of two beautiful boys. I’m very fortunate to have an amazing husband who I’ve been with for nearly fourteen years and married to for almost nine.

As you may have read in Sash’s entry, we wanted a safe place for people to come and talk about the things going on in their lives. A place where they can freely discuss problems and have someone listen to them without giving them a snarky reply or telling them to suck it up and get over it. Between the two of us, we’ve dealt with some pretty hefty life issues and wanted to share our experiences to help others out there that might be struggling with these same issues. By no means does this mean that only people with those problems can join. We welcome all people with all struggles. We want to be able to be a resource for support for everyone.

I don’t remember when I got involved with Livejournal, but it was back in the day when you had to have an invite code to join. Since then I have made several beautiful friends. Some live in different areas than me and others live in different countries. It doesn’t mean that the bond is any less than if we lived next door to one another. I know that they are the most supportive bunch I’ve been fortunate to know. Due to my past and the things I have gone through I’m a very private and guarded person so the people that are on my personal Livejournal are very near and dear to my heart. My husband is very busy and without this outlet I would’ve been very lonely.

I am gearing up to quit my full time job. I currently work as an Urban Planner for a Government agency. When I am not working full time, I am a freelance web designer and writer. I am moving towards doing that more full time so I have more time to spend with my family.

And as Sash said, two sides to every story. I am a survivor. A survivor of physical and emotional abuse. I was in a volatile, abusive relationship for three years. When I was 18 I walked away, but not before he tried to kill me. I have been raped. I have miscarried due to the abuse and the trauma that my body was put through during the course of this relationship. I come from a home where my parents divorced very early on in my life. My father (who I have seen once since my parents divorce) is an extreme alcoholic and a very fast tempered man. My father also never wanted me because I am a girl. We never had any kind of relationship. That’s okay with me because his family is full of nut jobs that I don’t want to be associated with. His brother murdered is estranged wife in front of her parents and their (his and her) children. My father and his father were going to hide him and get him out of the Country, but the police nearly arrested my father because they could pass for twins even though they’re not. It reads like a plot for a movie doesn’t it? I wish it weren’t true, but sadly, it is.

With a lot of this people will wonder why we are so open about sensitive subjects, but I have to tell you, after carrying it for so long on my own, it is quite therapeutic to get it out. Talking about all of these ordeals honestly and openly helps me and I hope it helps others realize they are not alone. I keep a positive attitude because I honestly believe that you are the only person that has the power to break you. You can give that power to others, but you can also make the choice to not let anyone else bring you down. You can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. People will try to bring you down every single day. You are the only one that has the power to let them.

I think everything happens for a reason and I honestly believe that Sash and I were brought together to help others through our experiences. And I hope that us being so open with you about our experiences will encourage you to share yours and encourage you to help others in your situations.

It took a long time for me to get to a place where I am completely comfortable and confident to share these experiences with others, but give yourself time and you will get there. If that’s what you want.

I am really glad that we can bring Tabono to all of you and I hope that you all will find it a place where you can come to find your strength again. It’s in all of us. Sometimes we just lose our way. And that’s why we founded Tabono. Strength and Perseverance for all.

xoxo
Ang

Hi everyone and welcome to Tabono! My name is Sash aka bhaktimarga and I am one of the maintainers of this group along with Angie aka das_teufelchen. I am a 35 year old Brit. I’ve been living in the US for almost 7 years now. I am married to a wonderful American bloke and we have a beautiful baby girl who is 10 months old.

Angie and I wanted to start up a community which will hopefully become a safe haven for many of you; a place where people can openly talk about problems or fears without being judged or ridiculed; a place where we can help each other either by sharing our own experiences or by general shouldering and support.

I have been a member of Livejournal since I first came over to the States. It was hard to make new friends in a new country and finding LJ was a lifesaver. I have made some amazing friends here. I have met some friends in person and talk on the phone or email regularly with others, but these guys and gals have been rocks for me many a time and have always been very supportive despite of the fact that many of us live in different States and even countries. My Friends List on my personal journal is compiled of a group of people that I call true friends and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I would have been pretty lost and lonely without them.

A little basic background on me… I was a professional dancer/choreographer for 11 years. Once I came over to the States I went back to college and got my degree, minoring in Psychology and majoring in Nursing. I am a Registered Nurse… my specialty is OB/GYN and Postpartum Nursery. I am also a certified Yoga Instructor. I am currently staying at home to raise my angel pie! My faith is Buddhism, although my family and husband’s family are all Christians.

That’s the good stuff. There are always two sides to every story of course! I am a recovering drug addict. I was a victim of emotional, mental, and physical abuse for almost 6 years. I have dealt with depression several times in my lifetime, the first time at around age 9 or 10 when I first tried to commit suicide. I attempted suicide again when I was 26. I suffered terribly with postnatal depression. I worry that I verge on the edge of alcoholism. I think that once an addict, always an addict. And then of course I fret about being a good Mum to my gorgeous daughter and I want to be a great wife to my fabulous husband. I have serious issues with my Stepmother. Holidays and family gatherings end up being a nightmare trying to keep everyone happy. And, and, and…

Life is tough! It throws you all these crazy things to deal with and at times you think “Why me?” I am a firm believer in karma and I truly believe also that we have to go through these experiences to ultimately become the person we are supposed to be. We can take each tragedy as a “woe is me”, or we can turn it around and use it as a positive force and help others in return.

I don’t have any regrets in life. I have some memories where I just shake my head and go “Oh God! Was that me?” but I refuse to dwell on it and let it depress me. I have learned to be open with my experiences. It may be TMI for some people, but it helps me. It relieves my burden and when someone needs to relieve their burden I will always be there to listen to them. I might not be able to help, but half the time having someone just listen to you and say that they are there for you is half the battle. After all, we personally can only make these changes (in most cases) to get ourselves out of these yukky situations.

We all need guidance sometimes. We all slip up, get down, can’t see a way out, lose our focus. Hopefully Tabono will be a place where we can all have each other’s backs and hold on tight to its meaning… strength and perseverance.

Angie and I are really looking forward to having you here. Please remember to be kind and courteous to all members. Just because you are hidden behind a computer screen does not mean that you are allowed to be rude! If you don’t have anything positive to offer, then just keep mum! ;) We are here to be a support for others, no matter what our beliefs! Helpful sharing and caring is the name of the game!

Lots of welcoming hugs to you all!

Sash xoxo