LiveJournal for Tainted Hearts Community.
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| Sunday, August 20th, 2006 |
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i dwell on my past i dwell on the love i have i dwell on my future i dwell for love i ahve one things that fit in to my live the one person who always be there to let go is the only way to take the pain aways i spent hour and hour with that person but still feel the ache that destroy my heart to have feeling that will never be what you want is the pain i don't want to go through love is aches i don;t want to let go is way of easing heart aches and pian let go final say let go let go of the love |
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| Wednesday, October 13th, 2004 |
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Hi there, I'm new to LJ. Sort of. hehe. But thought this was a great community and I love the idea of just venting about the past, present and future... I've had a rough past. Sort of, but not really if you know what I mean. Eh. Just had some stuff happen to me when I was younger that can haunt me at times but I'm totally optimistic about life and living in the moment and growing from your mistakes... I'd love to make new friends and let's try and get this community active! =P Take care everyone! |
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| Friday, August 20th, 2004 |
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Hey guys... I'm trying to make new livejournal friends, so if you want, please add me and i'll add you back also :) Thanks! bye bye! |
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| Thursday, May 13th, 2004 |
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when someone doesn't want your love, your attention and your affection isn't flattering, isn't charming, isn't anything but a selfish display of what you want... when your beloved doesn't want you, your acts of love become nothing but prostrations for yourself alone... those actions become less and less about your beloved but more and more about you. for your beloved it is nothing but an annoyance or a distraction from the life they really want to lead... and nobody is going to find that kind of selfishness attractive. so you ask, what do i do if i love someone and they don't want me? what do i do to show them how much i care? you disappear, you hold it in, you let them go, you love them without hoping for contact, without attempting contact... that's the difference between love and obsession. love is content to be by itself, by it's damn self. |
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004 |
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| i know i loved him before i knew him, before life even began. the nite we met there was a strange, almost perversely strong intimacy between us that made me wonder does the air between us long for a kiss or is it my breath alone? he said my name as if we were already lovers. | ||||
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| Monday, March 22nd, 2004 |
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i live a life of lies. a life of pretense. i have a ruse of confidence i cannot bear to uphold for more than a day before i retreat, into regenerating seclusion or self-punishing jealousy. he used to forgive me, always forgive me. but now he sees right through me, through my proclamations of love, through my assertions of worth, deep into my mistakes and failures. i insisted i was precious, intelligent, special, virginal... but i am just a drama queen, wielding a knife to the throat of love. i am just a narcissist that derives no pleasure in the growth of an affair but in its destruction and in the aftermath that pleads for me to rebuild. that's all i seem to know to do and perhaps, want to do. rebuild. his sorry gives me a disturbed happiness, greater than any i love you. i no longer know how to continue with my life in a straight line... but i claw at the path, changing the course arbitrarily, breaking silver linings, forgetting promises, creating yearnings that cannot be satisfied - because i long to change the past... because ilong to change the past i damn my future. what makes any of us better than each other? for a while i thought it was the things one did in their life - the people they slept with, the job they had, the family they came from, the aspirations they pursued... what makes any of us better than each other? the ability to forgive, the ability to understand forgiveness, the ability to follow the harsh and demanding voice of love. i have failed. |
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| Saturday, March 20th, 2004 |
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Then the rainstorm came over me And I felt my spirit break I had lost all of my belief you see And realized my mistake But time threw a prayer to me And all around me became still I need love, love's divine Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name Through the rainstorm came sanctuary And I felt my spirit fly I had found all of my reality I realize what it takes 'Cause I need love, love's divine Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name Oh I don't bend [don't bend], don't break [don't break] Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake 'Cause love can help me know my name Well I try to say there's nothing wrong But inside I felt me lying all alone But the message here was plain to see Believe me… 'Cause I need love, love's divine Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name Oh don't bend [don't bend], don't break [don't break] Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake 'Cause love can help me know my name Love can help me know my name I heard this song and it just felt like me so i posted it. You never really know the song until you've experianced it it changes your outlook on life and on the song and sometimes it gives you the answers you need and some you didn't really ask the question in the first place.But no matter it still helps you. Isn't music a great thing? |
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I just this week was dumped by who is now my ex I'll call her "Bettie". Well I went out with her for six months and was in love with her when we started fighting. Well fighting is normal in a relationship so I wasnt too worried. Then she came up to me and asked for us to have a break so she could find out how she really felt about me. It wasnt till later that I found out that she had cheated on me Saturday while i was gone and then lied straight faced to me. Somehow all the problems and all the actions she did were my fault because i led her to do them. I really dont believe that but somehow it makes it easier for me to think that it was my fault than to think that she did it of her own free will. I know that its not true but all i can think about is the good times together that we had and how i was so happy and would face whatever i had to, to have those good times back. I know its for the best and all that and how its good that i found out now instead of later that she was unfaithfull. (what she said was my fault was that i was too emotional and overly dramatic about everything)Sorry my bad am i supposed to take cheating as no big deal? Sorry just had to put that. Well I will miss her I just wish i knew how to get over her. If any of you have advice on that it would be very helpfull. |
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| Thursday, January 29th, 2004 |
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I'm all alone. Where do I belong? I'm all alone. Singing a tired old song. I'm all alone. I fear the darkness. I'm all alone. Light, too, I fear - metamorphosis. I'm all alone. I feel it's coming down to this fight. I'm all alone. I've pushed many to take flight. I'm all alone. I want to be strong and live! I'm all alone. I am just not sure what I can and cannot take and give. I'm all alone. Don't leave me alone! I'm all alone. I'm scared enough even if I can contact you with my phone! I'm all alone. Are my cries, my pleas, my begs, my hurt, my pain, my love listened to? I'm all alone. I serious am not sure what I am to do. By Seta © 2004 (Seta is Catherine V. (Katie) Bidwell) (Crossposted in my mental health LJ communities) |
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| Tuesday, November 4th, 2003 |
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Hi everyone, First off I will be cross posting this to other groups so in case you come across it again and just to give fair warning. I am having serious difficulties - maybe to some other people they aren't so serious or they are considered minute and can take second or third place - but to me they are very much real and very much serious enough that they cause me a great deal of pain. For example, right now I am in the midst of a bad relationship hang up...hang up is the best way to describe it because while I finally once again got to my feet and was walking away - BAM - this young man I was walking away from somehow (it could've been through my LiveJournal which I mostly keep public, as I don't have much to hide) just knew that I was doing better and came crawling back to me after basically not wanting to have anything to do with me. So, he hurt me, I suffered a lot, got better, just got up on my feet and brushing myself off, when he comes around and hurts me again. This last time though I gave him a good reaming though - nothing too bad, like constant cursing, just a good deal of not letting my guard down...though it was slipping because I am a stupid idiot for loving him. (Please be aware that at this time I would love to curse my brains out.) This is a serious matter to me. I am very much depressed, sad, angry, vengeful, want justice, and tired and sick of being used and abused. Yet, one, I don't tell many people what is going on, except here in these groups and/or online or offline friends - and I don't have many of them. And further more I am the kind of person who needs to talk and rehash something over and over and over and over again - I do not know why...it's how I am. Maybe that's another problem of mine. It just seems though that when I have a problem such as this and I am ready to talk, once again life gets in the way again and someone else has something major going on in their life. Now, I've heard the saying "Life doesn't stop" and similar expressions, but for the life of me and for my sanity, give me a break! The last time something like this happened, when I went back to one of my programs a girl was suicidal (I don't think so, but hope that's not a breach of confidentiality - I didn't mention names or places, so it shouldn't be, I don't think.) I had something going on too that I needed or thought I needed to talk about and wanted to talk about - but didn't get time to because this other girl needed help first. She deserved it, I agree...she was feeling suicidal. And she had to see the doctor and be taken care of. It's just when I feel that way - just because I don't spill tears a lot anymore, or let out all of my feelings (because rarely do I, I'm always retaining something) - it seems no one understands or believes me or gives a darn about what I am going through - they just take it as a routine, everyday thing that they can all handle on their own, and more so, I can handle without problem. I just said something in that last paragraph that I realize signals a problem - I do not release everything, I don't tell everyone the entire story, so I guess - and I hate to admit this - I do not tell the entire truth, and in so, how can anyone totally and truthfully help me. I'm embarrassed to cry in front of people - I've done it in the past, and I still got picked on or I still got ignored. Either way, it never produced the love and care that I was looking for. Am I an attention seeker - again I hate to admit it, but yes. I never got the love and attention from people that I wanted and/or needed. Everyone wanted me to be quiet. Seen but not heard, and as the joke goes "preferrably not seen." :( Granted I could talk one's ears off at that young age. And I feel stupid crying, I feel embarrassed, low and weak. And then I don't like getting angry either in front of people, because I feel people will look at me as if I'm evil and cruel, which people have thought that about me when I gotten angry. For example, they thought I was "rehashing things" from years ago (which may be true, but those were abusive things that happened to me, but of course, no one needs to understand where I am coming from, I just have to understand where everyone else is coming from or face the consequences of more verbal, emotional and probably even physical, if it got that far or some of these people were close enough to me, abuse) or that I was just bashing what they believed in without good cause. They also wished to know "the whole story" so they could "make their own judgements," which in truth is a fine thing, except the "whole truth" demands me releasing personal information that already got around the block more than once and is still spreading like wildfire, so - no I won't devulge that information anymore. Not to anyone like the people I speak of here - not unless I can truly trust them...and I do with very little any more. And then I've lastly always been one that was very slow with my feelings, and very unpredictable, I could do well sometimes with keeping feelings hidden and locked up tight inside, but sooner or later they would burst forth, or I would have a horrible and quick temper, that would all of a sudden after a wrong perceived, burst out right at the second or a few seconds after the wrong was committed...I'm highly complex that way. Another thing many people don't seem to wish to take the time or effort to understand. So... I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to release all this festering anger and hatred (and I hate to say hate) and anger and sadness and loneliness and intolerance and misery. I don't know how to keep myself calm and cool after a healthy release of such feelings stated above (that I've always been taught were nothing but negative and bad and that I am a bad person if I feel any of them.) I want to be a good, loving, soft, gentle, sweet, strong, persevering, considerate, timely, wise, giving, generous, obtainable, trustworthy, beautiful person...and I feel I am nothing but the opposite...all because I feel I've been used and abused and hunted and hurt too much...and I just don't know how to move beyond it. If anyone can help, please I am willing to listen, but I will say that yes, as I write this I am in a foul mood - as once again it was pointed out to me that while I'm a caring person, I'm always seeking the spotlight...and yes, while that is true, and much of my anger is directed towards myself for being imperfect, and then towards the people who never have a care it seems to point that out to me, I do seek the spotlight...for I feel I've been in the shadows and behind the scenes too long with life. Never getting the credit or the respect and dues that I deserve! I always put my self on the line for others - out of friendship, love and duty ... but I just feel rarely do I get a heart felt thank you and love and friendship in return. Thank you for listening. I'm using my age old signature here and sign off, but please be aware that right now - while I want everyone to be well and with love and care and health and prosperity - I'm very sour in saying this due to just the bitterness of what I was fed this morning. Take care, be well, much love... Sincerely... |
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| Wednesday, October 15th, 2003 |
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Hiya everyone, My name is Katie, and I'm new. This is my first post, and I apologize that it's not a proper introduction. I am in such turmoil I don't know which way to go or what to do. I don't feel strong to stand on my own. I feel codependent and weak. I have been in an abusive online relationship with a young "man" for about to a little over four years now. He lied to me, he cheated on me, he abused me, and he backstabbed me. He continues to do this. Furthermore, when he gets tired of those he chose over me, he tries to run back to me. I am so madly and deeply in love with him that while I KNOW that he must go and be forever out of my life, I give him chances...the last one he broke had provisions with it. Of course he never kept any of his promises in the time we were together. Call me crazy for feeling this strongly about a guy I never saw face to face, touched or spoke to...but he promised so much, and I loved him so much, there was just something about him... |
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| Tuesday, March 25th, 2003 |
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just wanted to say hi, since theres now 4 of us ;) i'm broken hearted and relationships suck. |
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| Monday, March 4th, 2002 |
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| Welcome to the Tainted Hearts Community. I hope we are able to help each other a little bit. to make our lives a little bit better by being here with each other :) | ||||||
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LiveJournal for Tainted Hearts Community.
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touched.
crushed.
sad.
angry.
ecstatic.