Could your constant help actually be holding your child back? Overparenting can look like love while quietly making independence harder to develop.
Care becomes control when used to secure validation, dependence, or possession.
Key points
- Parenting undermines childrenโs development when support exceeds what they actually need while maturing.
- Healthy parenting supports autonomy through perspective-taking and allowing age-appropriate choice.
- Children can stay connected to parents without needing to remain dependent and compliant.
I recently rewatched Disneyโsย Tangledย and had some difficulty articulating exactly why Mother Gothel was so evil and not a remarkably devoted parent. While she does keep Rapunzel in a tower, she does so to protect Rapunzel from a dangerous world. She feeds her, shelters her, and attends to her needs. Rapunzel, meanwhile, can be easily described as a rebelliousย teenagerย who ignores her mother, leaves home, and pursues excitement despite being explicitly warned not to.
Through that lens, Mother Gothel can almost look like the โgiverโ and Rapunzel the ungrateful โtakerโ in their relationshipโฆ except for one thing that gives it all away. Mother Gothel โprotectsโ Rapunzel, not for Rapunzelโs sake, but for her own.
Mother Gothelโs care has a hidden condition. Rapunzel must remain hers. Her independence is not something Mother Gothel wants to cultivate; it threatens the very arrangement that Mother Gothel needs to preserve. Rapunzelโs magical hair keeps Mother Gothel young.
The problem is not that she benefits from taking care of Rapunzel. People normally benefit from loving relationships. The problem is that Rapunzelโs continued dependence is necessary for Mother Gothel to keep getting what she wants from the relationship.
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When Care Stops Relating to the Other Personโs Needs
Mother Gothel is an extreme case, but one can see through her actions what happens when parental care becomes misaligned with what a child needs developmentally.
Researchers commonly describe this as overparenting or helicopter parenting. Parents continue to be involved in areas children should be increasingly capable of navigating themselves. They inappropriately intervene in conflicts, solve problems, alleviate manageable difficulties, or provide help that is no longer necessary.
Aย systematic review of 74 studiesย found that overparenting was predominantly associated with poorer outcomes across psychological, behavioral, social and relational, academic, andย careerย domains among emerging adults. The overall pattern suggests that more parental involvement is not necessarily better. Also,ย howย one gets involved is as important asย how much.
Consider what can happen when a child comes home crying because someone was mean to him and a parent replies, โYou donโt need anyone else. Iโm always here for you.โ The statement might seem wonderfully reassuring. However, this type of reassurance can become isolating. โI am here for youโ is different from โYou donโt need anyone else.โ
Alternatively, think about when a child rejects a parentโs suggestion and hears, โI know whatโs best for you.โ Sometimes parents do know better. Yet there is a difference between setting limits and refusing to recognize a childโs ability to make decisions โ and learn from them โ on their own.
Then there is the familiar: โAfter everything Iโve done for youโฆโ This statement turns offering care into creating a debt. โI cared for you because you needed meโ becomes โBecause I cared for you, you now owe me.โ Donโt get me wrong. Gratitude is a virtue worth cultivating, but it is a problem when care becomes leverage.
When Children Become a Source of Parents’ Self-Worth
Controlling care does not necessarily come from uncaring parents. In many cases, the parent genuinely loves the child, but their giving is doing two jobs at the same time: caring for the child while also helping the parent obtain something they want, such as validation, closeness, or reassurance that they matter.
In a 2024 study, Yena Kyeong and Cecilia Cheung examined mothersโ child-based self-worth in three areas: virtue, academic competence, and physical appearance. Mothers whose self-worth was more strongly based on their adolescent childrenโs virtue and physical appearance reported greater use of psychological control. Mothers whose self-worth depended more strongly on their childrenโs physical appearance also reported less autonomy-supportive parenting.
That does not mean parents should stop feeling proud of their children or stop feeling good about themselves when their children are doing well. Rather, it means that we must be careful that our good feelings are side-effects and not the main motivations for our parenting choices.
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Healthy Giving Doesnโt Require Being Impersonal
None of this means parenting must be selfless or laissez-faire. That would be both unrealistic and undesirable. Parents should derive joy, identity, meaning, and connection from raising their children. Children should learn gratitude and reciprocity. Parents should also establish boundaries, impose limits, transmit values, offer guidance, and sometimes make decisions their children dislike. The key is to recognize when parenting is autonomy-supportive and when it becomes psychologically controlling.
According to a majorย meta-analysis publishedย inย American Psychologist, parental autonomy support was positively associated with childrenโs well-being, whereas psychological control was positively associated with ill-being. Autonomy support does not mean letting children do whatever they want. It involves trying to understand their perspective, supporting age-appropriate self-expression andย decision-making, and providing meaningful explanations when limits are set. Psychological control, on the other hand, attempts to shape childrenโs thoughts, feelings, or behavior through strategies such asย guilt, contingent approval, or love withdrawal.
The difference between supporting autonomy or being controlling may matter beyond the parent-child relationship itself. A 2024 study of college students found that relational overparenting was associated with greater loneliness and social anxiety. This means that we shouldnโt only be blaming phones for creating an anxious generation. We should also be looking at ourselves.
Giving That Really Gives
The next time I watch Disneyโs Tangled with my children, I will not only look to see how they might identify with Rapunzel. I will also see how I may be acting like Mother Gothel, albeit in less extreme ways.
As children grow up, we must realize when we need to change the ways that we give to them. The child who once needed us to solve a problem may now need us to watch them struggle through it. The teenager who once accepted our answers wholeheartedly might now need the freedom to question them.
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Childrenโs growing independence does not need to feel like our diminishing importance. Our children can still remain connected to us without having to remain small for us.
Written by Ira Bedzow, Ph.D.
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
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