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Thursday, June 18, 2026

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Thursday, June 18, 2026

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Sorry, some heat indexes you just want to keep for yourself

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Local

Local

Accidental Mention Of Guest House Blows Years Of Subterfuge To Conceal Family’s Wealth From Friends

ST. LOUIS—Immediately ruining decades of graceful maneuvering to avoid discussion of the specific details of her upbringing, area woman Marissa…

Local

Woman Dives Headfirst Into Thrilling Adventure By Blindly Purchasing Different Apple Variety
Local

Area Child’s Drawing Of Family Raises Troubling Questions About Size Of Dad
Obituaries

Fran Stephens
Local

Daring Fusion Restaurant Mixes Texan, Mexican Flavors

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Local

Elderly Man Uses Library To Print Out Pornography
Local

Pros And Cons Of Sleepaway Camp

More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp.…
Obituaries

Your Mother

Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call.
Weddings

Marty Peters and Karen Roth

Marty Peters and Karen Roth: Huh—the happy couple’s “in loving memory” table had a picture of Hulk Hogan.
Local

Mom Casually Mentions Her Bunco Group Threw Molotov Cocktails At ICE Last Week

MINNEAPOLIS—Nonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday…
Real Estate

Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture

What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432

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Obituaries

Doug Valdez

Doug Valdez, 91, passed away early Friday morning in an attempt to beat the weekend rush into heaven.
Local

Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country

TENAFLY, NJ—According to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home…
Weddings

Sara Morse and Beth Lozano

The pair said “I do” Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer.
Local

Kissing Practiced On Wife
Local

Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers

June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer. Use discretion…
Real Estate

Water-Inefficient Landscaping

Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Nature’s face and…

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FDA Approves First New Sunscreen Ingredient In Over 25 Years
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Elon Musk Becomes World’s First Trillionaire

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Trump Warns U.S. Will No Longer Protect G7 From Threat Of Jigsaw
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New York City Mayor Presents Knicks With Key To His Car
Basketball, Sports

OG Anunoby Sends Parade Crowd Into Frenzy With Celebratory Nod

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(May 21 to June 20):

Surround yourself with people who have your back—and yes, this vague advice is your go-ahead to cut your dad out of your life.

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