hate such a strong word.
i really dont like that word.
and i dont like it being used towards me.
ive been hated more this past few months then i think i will ever be hated.
you think that i like it? i enjoy it?
yea no i dont like it. 
it hurts 
i know that everyone isnt always going to like me
but when someone has the wrong idea about me and hates me then yea it kinda bothers me
it hurts me more then you know to know that people who were once my friends hate me.and who i thought that i could trust.
some of the things have passed over but some havent.
im trying something different now.
and lets pray to God that it works.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

o
well life this year has been whoa and i mean whoa. i have had more stress on me then ever and i got sick. im still not ok but i think that i will live. school is fine. getting good grades, but some of the teachers i cannot stand and i wanna be like TEACH ME! b/c they dont. and i would like to pass and get good grades. friends. wow. ups and downs. i love all of my friends to death. but some have a huge flaw. and thats not being able to sympathize. and when your low you would like for youro friends to be like im so sorry and hug you or put their hand on your shoulder. but a few dont do that. maybe thats just how they are but when i tell someone something that has been getting my down and they dont say anything then i think that they dont care and that can hurt. there have only been 2 friends in my life that have actually known when something is wrong with me even when i do seem happy and they hug. but there has only been one friend who has let me cry on her shoulder. and i love her to death. im finally beigning tobe close friends with her again and i am so happy.
boys
im so sick of them.playing with me. i think that they like me but then they dont. so i just havent been worrying to much about them. i mean i like a guy but nothings going to happen anytime soon so yea. i guess that i justg stopped for now b/c im so sick of getting hurt. the guy would say im here for you no matter what. but then something happens and all that is gone. i call them liars. but when they said it i kno that they didnt mean it. so it didnt hurt as bad.

whos ready for my halloween party?

who wants to go with me
and get outta this place 
for good

this weekend has been amazing man!
i spent the night with katlin and man oh man that was awsome. and i had to leave work early b/c we werent busy
well my party is in like a week and man oh man i am excited!
and i still have to find a homecoming date if i dont get on then thats fine

well my dad is home now from the beach and thats exciting
well its a friday and i am not working and i have nothing to do
this is great haha
well this week was nothing special
i still need to find a date for homecoming
eh thats gonna be fun haha
well if anyone wants to hang out this weekend then call me

so im better now and thats a good thing.
im going to the game with jeannie tonight and before we are going to eat somewhere
im pretty excited b/c i havent had a friday off in a while.
and this is nice.
well this whole hamer thing is boring
i wasnt the only one that did this
HE was involved also so dont blame just me
and Britt i really am sorry that this happend. you are a sweet girl and you do not deserve this at all. I would never want to hurt you or anyone at that matter. i really am sorry and i do mean that. You should be mad at me. i dont blame you but please dont hold a grudge.
im sorry that all this happend.


i said my sorries and now things just have to go as they are

so once again it amazes me how a guy can turn your world upside down and not in a good way. i thought that i was able to trust him and know that whatever he said was true. well now that is all gone. i cannot trust him b/c 99% of the things he has said to me he was drunk. yea what a way to make a girl feel speical. i feel like im not worth anything at all. like guys can drop me and no matter what i will always be there and they can come back. well not anymore. im tired of that. i feel like nothing. like im not special at all. i have never once felt special to a guy. like i was worth their time. never.  im just so tired of going thru this all the time. 
Erin i really need a girls night

well this song that i am listing to is amazing
it makes me so happy and it is the sweetest song ever
so this weekend has been crazy
with boys and friends
haha vibrate ahah
i have no idea what to do
this is driving me crazy im so close to both of them but yet so far away
i hate that
and i hate going back on the memories b/c they hurt me more
yea they make me happy at fisrt but then they just hurt and i try and not think about them but ah
its killing me more and more

things are just so amazing
i love it
and im getting a cell phone today
but i will let yall know when i get it fo sho
so yea 
well come and see me at work!

Erin Ashley Hartstien
i would have sent you a message over myspace but i couldnt find your message thingy
listen. i am truly sorry for not talking to you, i was mad
mad b/c you werent the same erin that i new. and im jealous that you have zack and you see him all the time but not me
and hes like your best friend and i got jealous b/c it was like he took my place. 
at first i told myself that i wasnt going to talk to you, but then i was looking back on some pictures and i was like i can't. i miss talking to you, i miss our little spend the nights outside and us being all hyper and talking wack. i miss you being over at my house all the time. i was being stupid when i thought that i didnt want to talk to you. its like my whole life is just turned upside down when i dont talk to you. i miss being able to tell you everything. when i was sad you would make me feel so much better. and if a guy would hurt me you would let them know. and they ended up not likeing you but you didnt care. you just said that he doesnt deserve me. and i would laugh. my momma ask where you are and im like i dunno and she says you dont keep up with her? i was like not really she is just busy. Im trying really hard to make it where when i get mad i just dont completely shut that person out of my life. i hate that i do that. the one thing that you did that made me feel so much better was when kip broke up with me and i put up an update saying that i couldnt go on and you posted a comment with some pic and some comments and that meant oh so much to me. i miss that how you were like my shoulder that i could cry on.  could ever forgive me for being a jerkface towards you.
you are me shinning star
and 

so tonight is the fairfield game 
i have to work and if i wansnt working i would be going to Nickelback
and i couldnt find anyone to work for me.
erg man erg
well this weekend is i kno going to be funfun
i went shopping with laura last night and haha man that was fun
we got the key stuck in the egnition and we had to go to dominos to get someone to get it out and marshall pulled it right out and me and laura were like well we feel stupid haha
so i went to get my liscens and i failed again
but im going next tuesday so wish me luck!
3rd time better be a charm
haha
so i just realized something
very important

well this weekend has been funfun man
friday night at work was busy
skyler came by to see me
great goodness that boy has got some energy in him haha
him and his friends got the pens and they were throwing them inside and we had just swept. 
and then i was talking to him at the window and i got up on the stool and i was like hey im taller then you and then he poked me and i fell and it kinda hurt haha. and then he tried to get the stapler and i grabbed his hand and then he started to turn my arm and he is strong haha
and then he wanted to talk to me thru dirve thru so hes trying to make it come on and im looking at him and hes jumping up and down and im like what are you trying to do and then he was like trying to make it come on i was lke well im talking to you now. haha. 
and then Daniel came by. i havent seen him in the longest time. i miss him oh so much.
and then drew and paul came by to see me and haha that was funny
and then laura and amanda came by and then i went to go spend the night with laura
haha that was fun. we went swimming and we watched two-a-days
im addicted to that show now haha
so im going to the nickelback concert and im excited about that
oo yea

im so happy right now. 
the only things that i need right now to make it perfect would be my liscens, a car and a wonderful boyfriend
yea i dare to dream. ha
me and a friend were talking and he was like sam just please be carful. friends will screw you over. and i understand.
he is right. they might seem like that they never would do that but they do. all the time. you may not do a thing and then it ends up that you are the one that gets hurt most. and they say that they would never do it again but yet they do. and then some friends will talk to you but they wont invite you to things. and it hurts alot. i cant trust anyone anymore. the only people that i can fully trust is summer and jeannie. and i always trust God. but thats a diff subject.
i just wish that i could actually like some of my friends


but hey like i said i dare to dream

so basically school is going fine fine. and i have been working alot. and thats fine too. things are so weird. people come and go within a heart beat. friends and guys.  so heres the deal. friends are weird. they screw you over big time. you may think that they never would but they do. you only have that one true best friend.  but sometimes friendships just werent meant to happen. and someone is not a friend when they dont invite you to anything anymore. but who wants to hang out with them? i dont. there was this shingding tonight that i didnt get invited to.and it hrt my feelings. but even if i did get invited i still wouldnt want to go b/c of the people and the way they act. i have better things going on than that. and guys. wow are they weird. im in a middle stage with guys. i just wish that it would go somewhere instead of being in the same place all the time. ya kno. well enough of that. the kenny concert was amazing. let me tell you. i just loved it.

here are some pics

wow

so he is coming to town this weekend
and who wants to go with me?

sometimes people get on my last nerve
arg
well i have to work tonight and then i am going to the spend the night thing for the girls youth group and im excited about that. 
summer was sick today so i felt naked 
and i have a feeling that multimedia is going to be awsome man!
well so tell me how school is going for yall