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November 23rd, 2010
moonsson
 | 04:45 am - sometimes my dreams bite.
I dont talk about what happened to me as a child much. I tried to forget a lot of it really and sadly at a young age I forgot to be a kid. I went right from 6 or so to a bitter tween then angry teen and now confused adult. Sometimes my dreams make sure I do not forget what happened to me. I think that is why I am writing this at 430 am. I am not ashamed to admit I am affraid to sleep becuse I am even more affraid to dream. They always tell young children that if something like this happens to you go to an adult or older person you trust. I did and they failed to make me feel safe and told me it was my fault. So I dont talk about it. Tonight though, I just had to write this. I had to say these things. Thank you for reading it. I owe you one.
Current Mood:  depressed
Current Music: The Cure-in between days
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June 22nd, 2010
babarian_kat
 | 11:55 pm - Fathers and Daughters
A woman at the poetry reading last night, was reading about her difficult relationship with her father. She said he wanted a son, and that she was the son he never had (she's butch, probably a tomboy back then), but that was never good enough for him. She wrote "you asked me to touch your penis when I was 21. You told me my mother was a good lay". Then she wrote about the end of his life, He had Alzheimer's (I believe my father does too, according to my brother), and apologized to her for everything he'd done and not done as a father on his death bed (often Alzheimer's patients remember the past very well, but have terrible short-term memories). I wonder whether my father will apologize for all of the neglect, and avoidance, and snide remarks about my body, my make-up, my intellect, my distaste at fifteen for his 12-pack a night beer habit, for taking me over his knee when I was fifteen and spanking me, for letting his fourth wife stand between him and his children, for his bemused silence when she told me things like, "I was never that fat at your age," or "that isn't a real diamond and sapphire ring. That's costume jewelry. Tacky (it was a real diamond and sapphire ring, the diamond cut glass). And her calling me a leech off the state because I was on welfare at twenty-two because I had very real psychiatric problems that made it hard for me to keep most jobs. Just sitting back and watching the spectacle of two women he was supposed to love fighting. And he instigated it, by dancing with me drunk off his ass on New Years Eve.
I don't remember much at all until age five. It's a complete blank with little images coming through, my grandfather touching me, being naked on a doctor's table and touched "down there", a big blank space where my dad's role was, just memories of him picking me up and saying "hi, Kath-o-wath! Him turning off my kids' records when he came home "late from the office at 9 or 10, turning on instrumental jazz. I remember one trumpet piece. I asked him what it was called and he said "Magic Trumpet". I remember recoiling from the drawing on an Edith Piaf album cover - a tortured-looking woman with her mouth open in a grimace. I was told that my father kept the film rolling as my grandfather spanked me for trying to divert his attention from my baby brother to me (maybe I was four), and watching a home movie where the screen went all fuzzy for a moment and my mother telling me what had happened and how she insisted he destroy that part of the film.
I wonder, will my stepmother even tell us when my father is dying. And if we find out somehow, will he apologize, on his deathbed for the way he treated me, his daughter, who once was Daddy's little girl to him until I became a teenager and came to live with his third wife and him for the summer, furious when they broke up and he still spent almost every night at her house, pitting both she and me against one another until I started running around with young men (nineteen, twenty-three) to dull the loneliness of his neglect and games? And if he does, will I accept his apology? Do most fathers apologize to their children only on their death-beds? Why?
Current Location: home
Current Mood:  pensive
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February 25th, 2009
stargazer20
 | 12:53 am - advice talk
I really think I am loosing it .... I am like a emotional rollercoaster these days and I just dont have anyone to turn to or talk to.
I am engaged to get married - our wedding date is in 2 months. I now live with him and his family - It is so hard on me. I love him but living here with him and his family is becoming the hardest thing for me to do in my whole life.
I dont really want to bore everyone with details but I have been very very depressed and lately find myself thinking about killing myself. My finance I try to talk to him about my past and my thoughts but I sometimes feel he dont understand - then I also feel I just dont fit into his timeline. Our work schedules are so conflicting - That when I have a chance to talk to him - hes either asleep or watching tv. Sometimes I just dont know where I fit in...
Due to the past I am having a hard time talking too.... I want to say things - like how angry I get sometimes or something but I cant. I am too scared after my past - I am to scared to admit my feelings. His family is hard to talk to as well - they are a complete opposite than me - very open, loud people. I find I feel like a wallflower around them.
One thing that is troubling me is I find that when I come home at night - that I find he has spent his time alone watching porno on the internet. This bothers me so bad - I feel somehow that maybe I am not that good (sex is very hard!) or maybe I am not pretty enough? I wish he wouldnt. I just dont know how to talk to him? I dont know if it would do any good? Earlier in our relationship I used to buy these sutra books - to me as a joke - but I think maybe its gave him the wrong idea about me?
I am also so confused about sex - I was 4 years old when it happened. I find that I like it but it hurts me so bad emotionally. I am usually the one who starts it lately but I cant finish the act cause of the pain inside. I just dont know how to stop the cycle - I keep hoping that sometime or another that sex would be good? That I wont have a flashback.
I am just so confused about everything - life - my relationship - if I am normal or not? Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to - I feel I am going crazy!
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July 1st, 2008
birdsongorg
| 06:04 pm - and in my life
I hurry on as the icy nails of an arctic wind rips at my flesh. I seem to vibrate with the icy cold which now seems to emanate from my very bones.
Tears freeze on my cheek as I yearn for even a moments rest, even the most incidental reprieve from this bitter, bitter place but I know I must trudge on for I am afraid I'll be found here, a once living statue, frozen in this agonizingly cold moment in time. I call out in terror but there is no one to hear me, no help will come. I am in the coldest place on Earth, Heroin Withdrawal . . . .
I have written before about my struggles with self-victimizing behavior in the form of a long term addiction. I am pleased to announce that I am, today, clean and sober.
However, the correlation between female survivors of early childhood trauma and females with addiction issues is incredibly high.
To expect a survivor of trauma who is self-medicating her PTSD symptoms to stop using drugs without first treating her trauma is VERY much like expecting a person to discard his crutches when his legs are still broken --- ain't gonna happen . . . .
However, with the correct treatment there is hope.
Do not hesitate to contact The Birdsong Organization for support and a treatment center in your area. Keep your heads up sister-survivors, fellow recovering addicts and those still struggling with the symptoms of their PTSD. We are here to help, don't hesitate to make that call or email.
Have a blessed day,
Celeste
Current Location: looking out of my window thinking
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flats
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May 28th, 2008
submissivecunt
 | 08:23 pm - New To The Community
I would like to take a brief moment to say hello and introduce myself as I am new to the community. With pleasure I like to say I am a survivor of many years of torment mentally and physically as a child from an alcoholic ‘preacher’ father and a survivor of a brutal rape at 16. Yet I’m afraid to say, and have just recently admitted to myself, that it has a lasting impact on my life mentally, as I am struggling each day with accepting myself and pushing forward. I believe knowing nothing but mental and physical abuse as a child was a contributing factor in a 5 year relationship with a man I was lucky to escape with my life, held captive for years within his house or a room, forced drugs and being pimped out to support him, used and raped daily not just by him but his friends as well. I can say I survived that as well, but I’m afraid it has also impacted me. Yet I’m trying daily to climb out of the emotional pit. I’m presently 25 and have just came to let the stone cold wall of darkness I put around my soul down and allowed myself to get into the best relationship I have ever had. I am currently involved in a BDSM role as a submissive, with my Master who suggested live journal not only because I find myself through my words but for a number of other things such as acceptance and understanding by communities such as this, acceptance and education in the submissive role, and a positive escape not from only myself mentally and the hurt I still have but from an illness which left me in chronic pain. His gentle understanding of my past is allowing him to also help me day by day, to see that I am really “worth” something however if I said I didn’t have negative days with my past and current pain I would be lying. I’m pretty much just now finding my voice as I become true to myself, understanding my sexuality and open with it, understanding my mental illnesses and depression, and writing my soul out word for word like a disease. I look forward to posting, also if you wish to check out my blog, website, and add me as a friend feel free to do so as I am looking always for new communication and acceptance for I am just lonely and tired of walking alone.
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May 15th, 2008
amber911
 | 03:24 pm - Mod Post
Just a little update to members new and old, and anyone considering joining.
If you have requested to join and your journal is friends only, please add either myself or Chas to your list, from there we can check your journal and then add you.
If we are not added to your list then unfortunately we cannot add you.
If you have been refused and are unsure why, drop one of us a comment and we will get back to you as soon as possible.
Thank you
x
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April 21st, 2008
theslithytove
 | 12:42 pm - anniversary gifts?
Yesterday was my 8th anniversay. We moved out 8 years ago yesterday.
I want to get my mom something to say thank you to her for getting us out of hell. She's feeling down because my sister's having major trouble right now.
Any suggestions?
Current Mood:  chipper
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April 14th, 2008
anna_allies
| 10:35 am - Need of support dealing with abuse and safety
Having a really hard time. However it always seems as though it is a hard time, not sure if it does get better or we get pretend. Being DID has many challenges and right now my parts have been acting out big time, I don't know how to handle them.
We been working on some very difficult stuff in therapy. See last Januaury one of my parts returned to the cult we were raised in.
So here we are without a T for at least a week maybe longer. Not feeling safe. I am trying to figure out ways of staying safe. Life is rough right now and gets even rougher.
I really don't like asking for comments or support, I usually feel everyone will do as they feel at time, but I am in need of some good support right now so I appreciate all that anyone has to offer.
Anna
Cross posted
Current Mood: depressed
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April 12th, 2008
anna_allies
| 12:34 am - Peices of a memory
Well past two therapy sessions we been peicing together my memory and memory of one of my lils from that horrible night in January where we were attacked.
Now is time to pick up the pieces and heal, much easier said than done.
Anna and Allies
Cross posted
Current Mood:  scared
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March 13th, 2008
anna_allies
| 05:17 pm - Such shame and guilt
So distraught today. I went to therapy and knew it was going to be a hard one. I ended up sharing with my therapist the peices to the puzzle of the night we went back to our abusive bio father in January. Was extremely difficult just getting certain words out. As I was talking I could feel him and see him, especially his eyes, and smell him. I wanted to puke so bad.
My memory ends as he, well can't even type it. Then my therapist told me that is basically where my new split off part starts remembering things. I feel so weak for not being able to handle the situation myself, lots of guilt. My therapists says splits don't happen because one is weak but because there is something so traumatic happening at the time. Still feel weak.
I put us in a vulnerable position by going with my friend to someplace very triggering for us, I knew this and went anyway. Then it became too much I switched and the part that came forward ended up taking us back to the abusive situation.
My head is spinning, sooo many emotions right now, just can't deal with all this and now I am having to prepare me and everyone else for some extremely triggering dates next week and weekend. Just don't even know if I should be the host anymore, afteralll I didn't protect the body.
Such shame and guilt.
Anna
*cross posted*
Current Mood: guilty
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