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[5.30.11 @ 6:33 pm] |
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I'm tired of being made to feel only useful and needed when people's lives are falling apart. I'm not just someone to hang out with when youre upset. I'd do anything for my friends, and lately it seems as though I'm not getting much of that back. They all know how miserable I've been over the last few months, but all that anyone ever wants to talk about is "my life this, and my life that"... whens the last time someone asked me how I was doing, how I was holding up. I can't put my feelings aside forever. Eventually I'm going to grow to resent the people I love the most because if I we're to say "Hey look, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but I really can't help you right now I'm going through alot of my own things.".. they would think I was selfish and we would fight about it... but if I were to call them selfish for the way they've been acting lately then they would fight with me about it anyway. I need a god damn change. I cant take the way people are acting lately. I'm sick of it. I go out of my way all the time to do things to make people feel better. When I was in Florida, I thought of every single one of my friends and brought them all back a little something. Everyone kept saying "I can't wait until you get home, I cant wait until you get home!!" blah blah blah. Cant wait for what? so 3 of my friends/family can ditch me 4 times in the 24 hours I've been back? Fuck that. I shouldnt have to feel this way, after everything I've done for my friends? Yeah, Stef gave me a place to crash when I didn't have anywhere else to go... but at least once or twice a week I was made to feel awkward and she would get all upset because she felt like I was invading her personal space. I gave her space. I keep her secrets. I sat up all night with her when Garrett broke up with her and she was drunk and crying. When's the last time any of my friends stayed up with me while I was drunk and upset? Maybe it's just me.. maybe I'm just better at masking my emotions and I dont feel like everything needs to put me in this big funk and make me upset for days. I dont know. I get upset, I do what I have to do... sometimes it sneaks up and shows a little.. but I don't let it interfere with my friendships. I dont enjoy being lied to, I dont lie to them. I don't enjoy making plans only to have them broken or to be yet again lied to in order to get out of it. I don't enjoy any of that. I shouldn't have to watch what I say because one of my friends might take it offensively when it's the farthest thing from it but they're such a hot head they always just want to get in a fight. It's bullshit. I shouldn't be put on the back burner when one of my friends has a girlfriend/boyfriend... and it's not just one time its EVERYTIME one of them is in a relationship. But who's the first person they call when they break up? Me. And even though I've been lied to, ditched, and shoved aside... whos the first person who will be there to talk them through it or make them feel better? Me. I'm going to start treating them like its no big deal to break plans, and lie. See how much they like that. I'm supposed to have 3 best friends. Not 3 people who want me around when it's convenient for them.
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[4.3.10 @ 12:39 pm] |
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there have been times over the last 2 years when I wish my gram was still around to give me advice, put me in my place or just tell me if what im doing is right or wrong. The best part about her was that she didn't humor me. If I was wrong she'd be the first person to tell me. I've needed her more in the last month than I have since she passed away 2 years ago. Growing up sucks sometimes, but that's life right? You win, you lose.. Give and take.. Succeed and fail. "Its a beautiful ride" says dewey cox haha. Anyway.. I guess I need to start figuring out how to get myself back on track without her help, its about time.
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[12.9.09 @ 3:46 pm] |
I need to stop beating myself up over this.
I just don't know who I am anymore I guess.
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[9.28.09 @ 12:50 am] |
To all my friends;
I love you. No matter how often I see you.
I also love captain morgan and jello shots.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Drunk Heather.
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[5.27.09 @ 2:13 am] |
I'm alive, I guess.
Just thought I'd let ya know.
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[3.24.09 @ 12:17 pm] |
so here we are again, the same old arguement and now I'm wonderin if things will ever change
When will we laugh again, laugh like we did back when we make noise til 3 am and the neighbors would complain
All the things we talk about you know they stay on my mind.
All the things we laugh about they'll bring us through it every time.
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| K, SO |
[3.5.09 @ 7:09 pm] |
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I can't find The Higher- Histrionics ANYWHERE so if someone wants to just go ahead and burn that cd for me ill give you 5 dollars, a huge hug and maybe even some icecream.
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| hey |
[2.9.09 @ 5:27 pm] |
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Fuck you.
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| I'm too far into this. |
[2.7.09 @ 12:17 am] |
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I can't stand seeing it, reading about it, knowing its happening. It KILLS me. I don't have the right, I know that. Its just all too real now, the reality of everything is setting in. The past is the past, and it will remain that way I guess.
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[1.28.09 @ 8:00 pm] |
(1) List 16 celebrities you would have sex with without even asking questions.
(2) Put all of them in order of your lust for them. (1 is the hottest.)
(3) Say which movie/show/thing it was that hooked you.
(4) Supply photos.
(5) Tag five people!
I tagggg lisa, stef, kate santerre, erik, aaaaand danielle smith! Do it.
( hot boysCollapse )
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[1.12.09 @ 6:13 pm] |
Who sells toilets on craigslist?
Better yet, who looks for toilets on craigslist?
Does anybody know?
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[1.7.09 @ 7:01 pm] |
FUCK YOU.
And I'm not even kidding.
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[12.29.08 @ 7:55 pm] |
I can't seem to find a happy medium between work and home life.
I went from working 60-80 hours a week to working.. Not even 20. It drives me up a wall. I used to look forward to going home and going to bed. Now I look forward to tuesdays and fridays when I go to work. And its gonna be like that for the next 2 months.
this time last year I had no job for 2 months. That's how slow it was at the pedlar. And the girls from college are home so they want all the hours they can get. Which I don't feel is fair, because they aren't here all year long and they're going to come in during our slowest time of the year and take hours away from people who work there all year long and rely on that paycheck? Yeah.
I've been at that place for.... a year and like 4 months or some shit. Which is huge for me because I quit jobs like its nobodys business. And I've been working 2 jobs for the last 6 months. Which.. I know people who go to school and work 2 jobs so its no big deal, but for me it is.
I'd love to just work a set 40 hours a week and not have to worry if I'm going to make enough money for my bills...and chas' but that's another story.
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[12.2.08 @ 1:05 am] |
Like BadaBoom I haven't updated this like with a legit post in like, 76 years.
This past week has been hell, work wise. I went from like 25hrs to 53. but its awesome. I made.... 630 dollars this week in tips. And 90% of it is gone in cell phone bill, rent, insurance, and christmas presents. And the next few weeks are gonna be the exact same. So ill have a good start for saving money up for an apartment, the wedding, and a car in february.
As for christmas, me and chas finished getting presents for... his mom, jerry, larry, and jiggy lol and my mom, dad, step mom, chris, and my two little brothers. I still have to get presents for.. Lisa, stef, erik, nancy and if I have money left eriks parents, and brother and sister. So hard when you're shopping for two different families !
The only bad thing about working so much is that school keeps getting pushed to the back burner more and more. I only planned on taking a year off so I could work as much as possible and save up money, so that when it came time to go to school, I would have money and wouldn't be working so hard. But with everything that has happened in the last year I have a total of 200 dollars saved.. Ugh. No matter what happens, I'm going to school for resturaunt management in the fall.. First thing they'll have to do is teach me how to spell resturaunt.
then there's the fact that the only time I see chas now is 20 minutes before bed, and 20 minutes after I wake up. With my 50hr weeks and his 40hr weeks there's just no time. Nevermind seeing my friends, the only one I ever see now is erik and that's only because I work with him. And its not by choice. When I'm not working, lisa or stef are, when they're not working I am or I am in so much pain from work that I can't even bare the though of moving from my bed. I haven't hung out with lisa & stef in... a month or two. Yeah? Work is sucking my social life away from me? I don't think so.
Oh, and for the last 4 or 5 years, stef lisa and I have gone to stefs house and exchanged our gifts on christmas eve.. And guess who has mandatory work that day? Fuckk. I remember last christmas we went to a trucker resturaunt at 12am. It was probably the best start to a christmas ever hahaha.
Anyway, I'm gonna go work on getting some pictures together to make a photo entry. Cuuuz I have a few awesome ones :)
<3
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[10.23.08 @ 5:24 pm] |
If I save money some expense will come up where I need to spend it.. like the car that we barely get to use needs gas, or to be reregistered, or the insurance is due. Or chas needs money for this or that.. And all of the sudden, the 150 dollars I try to put away is down to 20.
the food gale buys with the 60 dollars a week Chas, Robbin and I give her is gross and all dinner food.. If I, buy my own food, food that I like, and if I don't share all of it with everyone in the house then I'm selfish. How am I selfish if I go out and spend 80 dollars on groceries for me and chas and then I don't want to share everything with everyone else... for example, I bought ice cream. Low fat, low calorie ice cream that everyone said they hated, and I have one bowl I go back 3 days later, there's not even enough for another bowl... ugh.
And please tell me how I can pour over 500 dollars into a car.. And then be told that I have no respect for gale when were gone for 3 hours doing things we needed to do... and then have her take the car keys away and say we can't drive it. Yeah she lets us use it for work, that's it. And I'm still expected to put gas in it all the time when I'm not the one who needs it? But I have to do it, otherwise we can't use the car we need to get to and from work.
Someone help me make sense of this, she's driving me up a wall. If I'm wrong, someone tell me.. But I don't feel like I am.
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[10.16.08 @ 9:55 pm] |
why is this so complicated?
Why does it hurt so much?
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[10.2.08 @ 8:04 pm] |
I can't stop.
Its like potato chips and masturbation.
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[9.4.08 @ 3:55 am] |
Glad everyones summer was awesome!
All I did was work two jobs, and try to hang out with people who weren't ever around. Went to the beach once, for a couple hours. End of summer.
Now... ill work two jobs and not bother trying to hang out with people who aren't around anymore.
Sweeeeeet!
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[8.20.08 @ 1:08 am] |
I haven't updated in quite a while...
Hu ke lau is really good. I work all day tuesday in the dining room and then friday in the show room. Come see me! I make decent tips, and (most) of the people who come in are wicked chill. There's a few people I can't stand who work here, but the rest are really nice and help me out when I have questions. Edison, one of the managers, decided that they were going to have a contest today between me and the other two girls who were working... to see who could sell the most stir fry.. The winner got 20 bucks! I won! I only sold 4 soo that tells you how much people want stir fry lol.
I haven't been spending a lot of time at home lately, but that's not cuz of Chas its his god damn mother. I now pay 60 dollars a week for rent, which isn't a lot I guess but it really doesn't leave me with much money to save for myself between that and my 110 dollar cell phone bill every month and gas to get to and from both jobs all week. But whatever its barely living I guess.
I went to hampton beach yesterday for the first time all year. Found 121 dollars on the bathroom floor! So excited since I didn't really have a lot of money to spend. I got a bracelet, one of those neclaces with the rice in it that they write names on... soo cute, some shorts and a head band for myself. I got sara the same kind of neclace, chas a shirt, my dad a sticker of a little boy with a boston shirt peeing on a yankee baseball!! Yesss and I got erik a shirt. I never know what to get stef and lisa :( but I might go back this weekend with more money soo ill figure something out haha. Went swimming, loooove the ocean. And got my picture taken with candace and a parrot! The parrot was giving me the death glare in it though :(
All in all, I get 2 or 3 days off a week, and I love it. I'm going to college sometime in the fall hopefully. I love itbecause you can start the first monday of every month so if I can't do it, I can just start the next month.
that's about it!
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