im new here and just love that fact that i can talk to people with the same struggles

im heather and im anorexic with bulimic episodes.


im fat

and whould love to be 90lbs....


so yeah thats how i feel today 

I have never felt so strong and determined as i do right now. I know that i can do this. i have 6 weeks to get to 100-105 lbs. all my darlings out there who are struggling i know you can do it too.
my job is the best distraction ever. on my feet for 3 hours and moving around. i loveee it!
but i need to be careful. i almost passed out 2 days in a row.
my grandma tried to make me eat but i just said yeah sure okay and when she left i put it down the garbage disposale.
I think i am going to start taking these vitamin B supplement pills. they say they increase your metabolism and energy. I need that. my metabolism is so freaking screwed up it makes me mad.
Anyone of you ever felt so worthless and disgusting? i feel that way everyday. i know i said i feel strong and determined earlier and i do but i just really hate myself. i feel so undeserving of everythingg.
i also have never wanted anything more- i need to be thin. i have to be thin. i won't except failing. it just cannot happen.
XOXO
SGAllagher1992@hotmail.com - if any of you wanna chat

Hey Darlings
how are we today? i started my job today! omg and i like it soo much it is such a distraction too. i barly ate anything today either so i am feeling stronggg! i exercised for an hour then another 3 hours on my job. i was moving around like crazy. i almost passed out today. my vision gets really blurry when i stand up too fast. that used to happen all the time and now it is starting up again. i also decided i wanna be 90 lbs. it sounds so little and tiny and i have to do it. i will probably give myself till december to doso. i will be 17 then too and it will be cold so i can hide it better too. my mom is starting to hound me too. today she wanted me to eat something and i said no i don't want it. and she called me mentally ill. i asked her today is i would be a good mom someday and she said idk do you think you will sane enough too? she is starting to catch on again that i am not eating as much. ugh she can't know. she once said if i get under 100 lbs i would have to go out patient. under 90 and i will be in patient. why can't she understand at all. what about you guys? do your parents know? if so how do they react to it?
how are we doing today my dears<3?
XOXO

Heyyy My darlings
i have missed you. sorry i wasn't on. my mom had the week off so i was busy
i had a tough week filled with laxatives and diuretics but i am back on track.
i had a very good weekend and i was at my dads. thank gawd! i never have a good weekends at my dads. usually i have like over 1000 calories because i have to and this weekend i had a total of 1200 cals total. i am getting stronger! i just have to keep saying 10 lbs 10 lbs 10 lbs to go. i'll be at 100 lbs. i won't let myself get to 90-95lbs till the winter so i can hide it better. how are my darlings doing today?
i was so paranoid this weekend on the boat and jetskii i was in a bathing suit and i was so nervous but i made it out alive.
XOXO
anyone on MSN that wants to talk?
SGallagher1992@hotmail.com if you wanna talk =)

Heyyy BabyyDolls
Had a little bit of a scare today. came very very close to cutting today.
i just feel so disgusting and fat and worthless and i just wanted to do it so bad i was shaking. but a few of my friends who used to cut talked me through it. i haven't cut in a year i can't even believe that.
i have laxs,diuretics and diet pills in my system right now.
I'm a mess tonight girls and guys. so sorry to be posting such a weak post. i love being strong and hate when ppl see me not at my best. tomorrow i am going to enchated forest water safari. i am excited because i love it but i have to wear a bathing suit. FML. i look so bloated and fat. i am wearing a t-shirt over it. i know exactly what i will be thinking the minute i walk in there. i will feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking what a cow i look like. does anyone ever feel that paranoid?
how are you all doing? i hope it is well
i love you all <3 thank you for listeningg

FML i had a semi-binge day and i rarly ever binge. wtf!
i hate posting on my bad days i am sorry in advance.
everydayy must be pure perfection. i am a bit of a perfectionist so i love when everything goes as i want it to. i have got to stop thinking that way or else i will always be disappointed. or atleast that is what my counselor says.
i hate today. even though i exercised for 3 hours i am still getting fat as i type. i hate this feeling. Tomorrow i get a physcial for my job and i cannot wait. i need to get a job so i can be somewhat independant and gain some control.
i hate myself almost 99.9% of the time. my mom bought me some new clothes today and even though they were all size XS i still feel like a fat cow. i should appreciate my mom for buying them for me because she didn't really need to but all i can think about is how disgusting i look in them. i;m such a horrible person. even though i have heard 100000 times how laxatives and diuretics don't help you lose weight i still take them. i love the feeling of pure emptyness. i feel in total control when the pills kick in. i know i must sound crazy but its how i feel. i would be taking them both now but i'll be out all day tomorrow so that would be a bad situation.
i hope you are all having a better day then i am.. tomorrow is a new dayy
sorry but i just needed to vent.
XOXO

maybe a stupid question considering my counselor already said yes but
i take laxatives,diuretics and diet pills and exercise 2-3 hours a day(compuslive exercise)
my counselor said it is another form of purging and that i also have bulimia
so i looked it up and it said yes too
is that true? is it really possible to be both anorexic and bulimic?
i don't take the laxatives and diuretics everyday but i do take them a few times a week.

Heyyy Bellas,
Its been a long day with food. blah.
It was my cousins birthday party but i managed it okayish.
Tomorrow morning i am getting a good hour to two hours of exercise because i am going golfing with my mom,grandpa and lil brother. I suck at golf but it will be good exercise for the morning. I will workout tomorow for three hours no matter what. my aunt gave me food to take home because she knows its my favorite. i couldn't very well say no and hurt her feelings.( i like to please people ugh its annoying) so i will eat only a small amount and then throw it away or let my mom have it.
EW EW EW i just looked at pictures of me from a while ago. what a huge transformation. makes me want to lose even more. only 11 more lbs to go!still won't be happy with my weight but i can do it i know i can.
how are we doing today my darlings? good? bad?
XOXOXOXO

Heyyy My Loves
how are we doing tonight?
I spent all day at my grandpas bocce(italian sport) tournment.
i had to eat but luckily i managed to work out when i got home so i feel alittle better.
i almost took another lax when i got home but desided to work out instead.
only exercised for an hour and a half. no where near good enough compared to the three hours i usually do.
I have beeen drinking diet tea and lemom lime water all day so any water weight i have will be gone. Tomorrow is my cousins birthday party and i already know what we are having. i will have to fill up on salad. blah i must and will stay strong. i have 11 lbs to go! i can doit.
. i was also wondering what you guys thought about recovery.. like do you believe it is really possible? the thought of recovering scares me so i was just wondering..
what scares me even more is that i am getting worse. i not only have anorexia but now bulimia too because i purge with laxatives and diuretics and have a compulsive exercise problem and take diet pills.
only one friend knows about the bulimia and that is because she has anorexia too.
stay stronggg lovesss<3333

Heyy Bellas
How are we doing today?
i weighed myself and now i am 111 lbs no where near good enough but still closer to my goal. . Only 11 more lbs to go and i will reach my goal.
odds are i will lower it again but i am still close and i am excited that i haven;t been gaining this summer. tried on white pants for work. size XS and they were big. made me feel good. just had a salad for lunch. the laxs i took last night kicked in. my stomach hurts on and off again today. but overall it has been a good week. I can not wait to go to flordia either. hopefully i look amazing amazing by then.
i just need to keep saying 11 more lbs to go till my first goal
Love you all <3
XOXO