Guilt Relief

 Salam. 

I have been meaning to write in here since last two weeks, but only managed to do that now. As cliche as it sounds, time flies and we are approaching 2022 in couple of weeks. World has let me down to a new low in 2020 and 2021 and I am not as optimistic as I used to be. Writing this and reading it, I may appear to be ungrateful. Let me clarify, it was world that let me down, not my God, my God will never let me down. 

But I can’t help from being hopeful at 2022. Isn’t that the whole purpose of having new year? It is like a hard stop to a passage of time, a great reminder to not overthink about the past and the obvious certainty that life must go on. 

‘Life must go on’. 

I know someone that despised the optimist, particularly because of the timing that optimist acted optimistic. It is totally unapt to utter ‘life must go on’ at certain specific moments, example when someone extremely sad, frustrated, in anger. Brushing off the attempt of affected person to confront his or her conflict and to skip the process altogether due to awkwardness in the situation is a selfish act. I was the unsolicited optimist that acted optimistic then. And I am also the one that loathe out-of-place optimist now. 

I guess 5 seconds of silence to think about what to say can make a big difference.

WIO

 Salam. 

First week of working in office was okay. I did overthink and a bit worried that everything will be tough, like commuting, lunch or meeting in office, but in contrary I think I did enjoy working in office.  After staying at home for so long, meeting other people help a lot. Most importantly, there is a pause on working time since everyone need to commute back and I don’t feel guilty not working at night when I am back home.

Apart from that, my daily step count increased and this indirectly will help my forever resolution of losing weight on track. Amin. 

Painful Lesson Learned

 Salam. 

At tender age of 3x, I’ve learned a painful lesson from a choice that I have made from many years ago. It was expensive one, and I hope I can overcome this. The whole article about ‘Things I wished I knew when I was in my 20s’ is painfully true but maybe I was too ego to admit it at that time, that I thought this kind of predicament will not happen to me. Denial much right?

This regret of course is not something I am not proud of, but I guess I am too ‘proud’ that I don’t even want to tell anyone about this. I am one of those people that can’t handle ‘Told ya’ well. Hahaha. Okay joke aside, please pray for me and everyone that all our affairs will be well taken care of and there will be light at the end of the tunnel for everyone, for all of us. 

About 2 years ago, when there were announcement to work from home starting from 18 March 2020, I was unprepared and totally clueless on how are we going to make it work, I can’t imagine to be working from home staring at screens discussing things and with no colleagues surrounding. Fast forward to now, I totally forgot how to work in office. The most difficult part for me is course because I think I can no longer fit into my old working attire. Others are mild to compare. 

To be honest, I am also unprepared to work from office anytime soon, but I guess we have to move on, as this is one step to get our normal life again, to improve our quality of life, to support the economy and to help the kids to grow in healthy and safe environment. Kids in pandemic era are facing immunity debt because they did not go out as much and their body are not exposed to environment that will help to build the immunity. 

I miss writing, it feels good. 

Take care everyone. 

Freedom to Choose

 Salam. 

I now understand the big fuss of financial freedom that my senior had repeatedly mentioned in our pep talk. I guess in the next few years I will further understand and appreciate the mantra ‘Health is Wealth’, or maybe no need to wait for few years to come, I do feel and witness the difference in my fitness level as of current.

There was an article about a wife refuting the fact that she is forced to provide for the family as the sole breadwinner since the husband is currently unable to provide as much as before due to his health condition (to not complicate things, let’s assume the husband is unable to work because of his health condition).  She mentioned that she is someone that cannot stay still, she like to work and provide for family, and it is her choice to work really hard for the family, to ensure there is food on the table. 

I doubt this specific part of her choice but I can’t really say on behalf but I think given the options of working very hard to feed others or to have that time and energy to do something for our own self, like exercise, study, travel, having quality time with children or family, meeting friend, any normal people would opt for the latter. So for me, it is not really her choice. She sort of has to. If only she has the freedom, to ensure there are food on the table and at the same time she can do something for her very own self, I guess she will let go being overworked.

Of course, it is easier for the lady to say that it is her choice, it kills the chance for further argument or at least for her, she dodge the public’s backlash had she left the family to pursue her own self development. Not that I think what she did by staying with the family is wrong,  I still think it is not really her choice.  She was being responsible. 

I hope one day she will be able to do something for her own self and get the best of everything. 

Assured

 Salam.

I hope everyone is well. It feels weird to say ‘hope everyone is well’ because we all know too well that this lockdown has taken its toll on everyone, even to the most positive person. Pandemic fatigue is real but situation seems to ease out in other countries. We, Malaysians however are still dealing with the exact same situation or even worse than initial phase of pandemic and it seems like there is no end to this lockdown. I think if we have a glimpse of hope that situation will be getting better, perhaps we can regain the peace in our mind knowing that some day, things will get back to how it was. Unfortunately, that is totally not the case at the moment.

Did I sound negative? Realistic from my angle might sound negative for others and vice versa. 

Observing from current situation, I am appalled at the insensitivity of some responsible parties in handling  certain situations. As an example, as an outsider that happen to know about a case of a young girl being a rape victim, we have no right to comment that the girl is at fault for being (insert any annoying remarks from insensitive mouth) or the girl should forgive and forget. It was traumatizing experience to that girl to the extent that she possibly will not have a day without replaying that incident on her mind or having suicidal thought, and yet she was advised to forgive and forget? Any religion does not condone this kind of act. The best act is to show that we are available if any helps needed and being understanding. Be there is the key. 

Same applies to the goverment when citizen is desperate for aid, rakyat clearly do not appreciate any tone-deaf motion to be more hardworking, work extra hours, explore any ways to sustain life etc. People need the help and assurance that we are in this together and solution is underway. 

Bye.

A Quarter of Quotient

 Salam.

I have been running again and it is day 35 today. I did 5km every morning and slowly I can feel my body has improved, especially on my heart rate. I was hesitant to buy smart watch before because I think it is too expensive and high likely that it will be underutilized. However, I had underestimated the effect that it had on me, in which the mere existence of it does encourage me to wake up earlier every morning, to run before work and especially to monitor my heart rate. 

I did not manage to complete my second book in February, and I am currently reading Thinking, Fast and Slow. I like this book so much despite I am only at Chapter 4 now. Can’t wait to have all the conclusions wrapped and learn from this book. 

My eldest nephew is 5-year-old this year. I noticed he is currently on that phase of learning to apologize now. It amazed me how God created humanbeing and tailor the traits and complexity of emotion in us,  even 5 year-old-kid is able to identify the situation that prompt them to apologize, and because of their naivety and innocence, the apologies uttered. On the other hand, for adult like us, apologies are mostly left unsaid, because upholding the ego and pride in us is so much more important than protecting others’ fragile heart. 

Next question is, why do people are wounded from others’ actions or words? Aren’t we smart enough not to rely on others to make us happy and independent enough to mend our own broken hearts? After all, we are creature that need to make peace with the fact that being alone is the constant premises, either in a space full of people or in a house full with family members or in dormitory full of strangers while travelling. 

I just happen to know that in taekwando, among the tenets of it are courtesy and self-control, which I reckoned the last trait I would associate myself with if I am about to fight with people. Because it matters too, the impact of our action to the opponent or other party, because in Emotional Intelligence (EQ), to protect others’ feeling or morale from our action and words is equally important as to protect our own. But, we (I) focus more on protecting my hearts and energy, unknowingly, we utter words or did rash actions in the name of protecting our heart but yet the other parties are severely impacted by our action. 

There is a quote I found interesting from a doctor to a kid patient, that was born without empathy feeling in her. This kid tends to create a tricky situation to win everytime, win against her brother as well as attention from her parent, to the extent that she even attempted to kill her little brother, because she enjoys winning, the feeling of it. The quote from the doctor more or less sounds like this, ‘You know what is greater than winning? Winning and not making others feel like losing’. 

I am late. Bye!

Unspoken Though Unspoken

 Salam. 

Finally, The White Tiger movie is on Netflix. I am beyond excited to watch the movie because the book is so good, and I had great time watching it. I think something about the books or movies with poverty or racist themed compelled me. Among the list of books or movies that gave me lasting impression are:,

1. War Horse

2. Children of Heaven

3. BlacKkKlansman

I think I have a lot on my list but unfortunately the name did not appear at the current moment. 

The thing about watching not rosy movies is it is more realistic, and it got me thinking that there is a lot that we can do as a ecosystem, and I love how we have existing guide to share or to donate, so we can help to make the world better, for everyone. 

Speaking of making the world better, I can’t wait to balik kampung. My last visit was during last year Aidil Adha. With the presence of COVID-19 vaccine, hopefully we can combat this virus and we can live normally, like before. I don’t mind the mask-wearing but I really want to go out freely again. Insha Allah, Amin. 

Fine Line

 Salam,

I have been trying to update my blog since January 2021, 1st but I don't know what stopping me from doing so that only today I managed to squeeze some time to write in here.

Right before MCO 2.0 started, I met with my close friends and we talked about how 2020 was so unpredictable, and our plan to improve the quality of our life in 2021. I am not surprised to know that both of them said that they want to work less, not because of they were planning to slacking in their work or they were ungrateful, but this whole work-from-home thingy was so confusing, that my friend was prescribed with pills for anxiety. 

Having constant accessibility to do work is a pure blessing at this trying time, however draw a very fine line between rest time and working time. Last year, I kept myself online 24 hours in the Microsoft Team so whenever I saw someone reaching me at wee hour to do some work, I felt obligated to complete the task straight away. I felt guilty (is this the right word? I am not sure but this is the closest that I can think of) to make other party waiting so I tried my best to complete the task as soon as possible. One day, I was so tired of catching deadline that I did fatal mistake in my task and before I knew it, I cried (this is so humiliating but I need have this experience recorded here) before my boss. I was lucky that my boss was so understanding, she asked me to rest. The fact that me crying before her over the phone instead of face to face so she can’t really see me sobbing is another huge blessing. 

I guess that was the turning point for me, to know where to stop. I no longer open the Microsoft Team or read email at night, except for very rare occasion of very urgent request that the other party had to contact me via phone explaining the importance or the urgency of that task. I don’t know if this sound selfish to anyone, I guess no because during this pandemic I can see that everyone exercising empathy more in which it was evident when my boss asked me to rest instead of do the correction there and then. Her exact word was ‘A, I know you are tired, please have a good rest for now. We will discuss this when you are okay, not now.’ God bless her kind soul.

Hope we will become better facing 2021’s antics, Insha Allah.