life as it currently stands

I feel I've been here long enough (2 months) to know what I like, and say what I don't without sounding homesick (though I'm sort of counting down till August 10th).

Things I Don't Like

• Living with 4 girls in a small apartment with little privacy wears on me.
• Romanians stare/glare at us no matter how small of a group we travel in. We look like freaks of nature to them or something.
• Customer Service does not exist here. Only at Kauffland can you sometimes find a checker who will smile and say hello/goodbye
• The twilight bark that goes on every night from 11pm until 4 am. This makes sleeping with windows open almost impossible.
• Being so far away from my family and friends
• Feeling dumb when I try to communicate and can't with people due to language barriers.
• I have trouble sleeping if I go to bed before 1am (which it's 1:30 now)
• Rum Cake...or anything Rum flavored
• Not being able to go to a doctor when I have an ingrown toe nail, or a toothache from what I'm pretty sure is a cavity they failed to find in April.

Things I Do Like

• The Branch here has awesome members
• Cute little ladies with gold teeth at the piata that sell gross/wierd cheese
• The piata itself and how it works (people sell fruit from their farms to provide income for their families)
• The exchange rate is still 3RON/1USD
• My kids I work with!
• Getting letters from my missionary (as always)
• Emails from family members
• The fact that I'm getting better at cooking...even from scratch!
• I can have a bad day at home, but still go and love my time at the orphanage or "spital"
• Little by little, I can read more fluently The Book of Mormon in Romanian!
• Maxibonne ice cream bar/sandwhich thing I tried tonight for the first time
• Longosi
• Pretzels from the bread booth by the tram station

I agree with another one of the girls in what she said today. The experience here is great, it's something I wouldn't give back for...well all the money I spent getting here. I love my kids and the memories I have from being here. But at the same time, I'll be ready to go home in August and get back into my normal life with school.

Happy Birthday Cheriss!

Christmas 2006

Today my little sister is turning 19. It's crazy to think how old all of us are getting. It's hard to believe my ever-faithful Barbies and People House playmate is turning 19 and getting married in 2 months (less than that!). Happy Birthday kid!

This week was a little bit of a struggle for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes I try to be like Mark and just laugh at the stupidity of people and lack of thought that often goes into decisions before they are made. But unfortunately, some days I just can't get over little habits, comments and actions that go on around me. Some days I think that I'll be miserable for the rest of my internship. But then some ray of light comes: I feel like I'm making progress with a child, I realize I've crossed off more than half of my daily goals, I read the scripture and feel at peace, or sometimes just have some alone time to get lost in my thoughts (much needed lately).
Not that I had any magical spiritual prompting to turn to this section in the Book of Mormon, but I came across it in my reading this week. (Goal is to read the whole thing by August and so far, so good). I thought it had a lot of application in all aspects of this experience.

Alma 7:23-24

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated, full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.
And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

Along with my scipture study, I try to read a chapter in Romanian. It certainly takes longer and is more of a challenge. But it's interesting to read. Some words I recognize, have a slightly different meaning than the English version. It puts words and phrases in a different light that help me understand it a little more clearly than before. I love the scriptures, it's just a shame that when I'm bound up in school, I can never find time to do it on a consistent basis like now.

Breathe in, Breathe out

Sometimes, I really wonder how important it is to give people the benefit of a doubt. In a group of 13, you'd think we'd have that constantly. Surprisingly, its been pretty good so far. But tonight at our weekly meeting things fell apart.
Somewhere between Rachel getting frustrated at the usual problem of no one willing to stop talking without being asked, and girls getting uptight about the change in length of our upcoming midsemester retreat, tensions rose, voices were raised, and it was probably the worst moment thus far for our group. I voiced how tense the room felt and with several agreements, yet no one taking blame for childish behavior, we said a prayer which seemed to either help bring the Spirit back into our meeting that started out great, or make everyone awkward and embarassed for our behavior as a group. I think a number of people were hurt and others were misunderstood trying to be blunt and get their point across. It was misinterpreted as angry and defiant I think. Perhaps we all needed to take a minute, calm down and try to approach the situation in a calm adult-like manner. I think now, everyone still feels differently about who's right and wrong in this situation. But it definitely felt like a family tonight with everyone having such different opinions and trying to make everyone happy to a reasonable extent.

Apparently we're all going to Brasov now for midsemester retreat. I was looking forward to Constanta but suddenly our group of 5 disappated to 2 and since we can't travel that small, Rachel and I got out-voted. Some girls want to travel to both, but since I still have football tickets to buy and a plane ticket for CA sometime in October, the excess price is not feasable. My dreams of swimming in the Black Sea and relaxing on a beach are gone. Not to meantion the awesome Mosaic Museum, Roman Ruins and cool lighthouse. I suppose Brasov will be cool but I kind of wanted to get out of the city for a while. There's nothing more freeing and relaxing than the wind across your face as you squish your feet deeper into the wet sand. Brasov seems to have similar things as Constanta so why doesn't anyone want to come to the Black Sea...that seemed to be where everyone wanted to go to begin with. But wait Brittany, if it's the same, why don't you just come to Brasov? Argh. Sure there's the Hollywood-like Brasov sign we'll probably hike to and....more art museums. But I really had laying on the beach for an afternoon or so working on my oh so needed tan rather than relaxing in a hostel. I got really worn out at Bucharest with all the endless walking to and from sights, and then more walking around museums and such. Let's hope we can find a happy medium....

Some thoughts for the end of week 7 (8 weeks left!)

To those who read my blog, thank you for your love and support. If I could just have a video camera 24/7 and a mind reader, that would be a lot better for you all to understand occurences here. When I first got here, I thought "what have I done?!" But now, I'm in the routine, and when I have bad days, I think "tomorrow is a new day".
In regards to my last post, I fed my little Egore the next day. He was pretty good for a while but then he just started smiling and laughing and wouldn't let me feed him. Lots of the kids do that when they know it's not a worker (either by touch, sound or sight). At least he wasn't acting afraid, just playing. So the worker had to take over, and I was to take my little Vallie to "pat" (bed). Like most kids, she's got these tiny chicken-like legs and arms. When she walks she looks like a puppet with her hands up at her shoulders, or ready to cluck like a chicken. I admit, she's probably my favorite, which surprised Mario the other day since she's the most aggressive. But trust me, she's a cutie...I'd bring her back if I could.

This quote has been circulating around us interns as it is a good reminder when we get so depressed seeing these children suffer day after day.
President Boyd K. Packer (LDS church leader) said:“Remember this! The line ‘And they all lived happily ever after’ is never written into the second act [of a play]. That line belongs in the third act, when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right. … “Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of [the plan], you won’t make much sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and others with so much. Some are born in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering. Some experience premature death, even innocent children. There are the brutal, unforgiving forces of nature and the brutality of man to man. We have seen a lot of that recently.“Do not suppose that God willfully causes that which, for His own purposes, he permits. When you know the plan and the purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven”

Seeing so many children suffer, many of us, including myself have struggled in thinking how unfair it is, and why God allows it. But I know that this is part of His plan and that while these beautiful children suffer, there are angels beside these children comforting them. I am grateful for the chance I have to try and be a source of that peace and hope that in the resurrection, I will see them, give them a hug, and finally have a real conversation with them. I've also come to learn to look beyond an outward appearance. Some are misshapen from failed abortion attempts, disease, or from being in a chair their whole life. Most of them have rotting teeth/bad breath from lack of dental hygeine. But these children are currently the light of my life. Underneath lies an amazing child who has overcome and suffered a lot. Show me a normal person who could do that and still laugh and smile every day.

Big girls don't cry....unless they're an intern in Romania.

Today was the first time I really wish I could have gone home and called Mom and Dad and just cried. But since it’s 3AM their time, and it wouldn’t help them feel any better that I’m miserable, I really couldn’t….which makes it even harder. I’m probably more emotional this week than normal anyways, but today, all the negative parts of the orphanage just stuck out to me.

We went inside for lunch and I got to feed Egore. I started to feed him and it went well for the first little while. But it’s been a while and so I’ve forgotten the little tricks I’ve learned from feeding him. In attempt to get him to swallow more than just play with his mush, I put the spoon further back into his mouth and tried to push down on his tongue to get him to swallow (I forgot I do better just putting it on the roof of his mouth). Well, I think I put the spoon in too far, and pushed down too hard and he choked. None of the workers seemed to notice or care, but he was gasping for air for a minute or two. I felt horrible. I told him I was sorry and rubbed his arm for a minute and then tried to continue to feed him. But when I started back up again, he wouldn’t open his mouth. I felt like I had lost his trust that we’ve built up since the beginning. It was like he was saying, “Hey, I’m not going to be treated that way by you.” He knows the difference between a worker feeding him and an intern. Anyone can tell the difference between patience and force-feeding. It took quite sometime before he would open his mouth to wear I could just scoop it on the roof of his mouth and he’d eat it that way. I kept trying to coax him though as he’d revert back to refusing to open his mouth. “Egore, you don’t want the workers to feed you, trust me”, but no luck. The worker came over and saw I was struggling. She told me to put the spoon further back in the mouth like I had done before. Then I felt even more guilty. Maybe I had done it wrong. What if they don’t go back that far, and I was being overly aggressive when I didn’t need to be? But because of my poor Romanian, I didn’t know how to ask if she was pushing down or not. He was clearly unhappy and the worker taking over didn’t help the situation. She didn’t even finish feeding him his lunch and there was still a ¼ cup left. She just tipped his head back, plugged his nose, and poured milk into his mouth. I felt tears begin to sting my eyes as I heard him choke and gasp for air, but she wouldn’t let up until it was completely gone. When she was done, she sent me back with him in his chair to the room. I tried to hold my tears back as we walked down the halls. When we got back to the room, I just tried to hold him close, and tell him how sorry I was. I really wanted to let myself go and just cry, but I couldn’t just leave for no reason. And what would the worker say/think? He seemed turned off to me for the last half hour we were there, and rightfully so. Mellie was sweet and tried to reassure me telling me I’m good at this and I can do this. But I still felt like the worst person in the world.

To add to it, I went over to Gonzo who usually is an easy one to cheer up with. But today we realized that when we’re outside, he’s eating the paint off the walls by his bed- you can’t miss the teeth marks in the wall to prove it. So not only are his teeth the perfect example of what happens when you don’t brush and floss (worse than smokers), what’s left of them are green from the paint that I highly doubt is non-toxic.

Ironically, I've been reading my fellow interns blogs and thinking how lucky I am that I haven't had to deal with what they see a lot, but also wondering why I've been so lucky. Not wanting to sound extreme but I really feel like Heavenly Father pushed me to want that room because I don't think I really could handle what goes on in the other rooms as much. A part of me wants to go home and forget everything about this place at times. But there are so many lessons to learn from it all, too many to name, some I know I've yet to learn and experience.

Just Another Manic Monday.....

Ahh Monday! Refreshed and determined to get a day where my hair isn't pulled out by dear Vallie, we headed upstairs to Mickey Mouse hall. There wasn’t a worker for our room today today. I’m not really sure why either. The other MM room workers just took over and that was that. Changes really seem to affect Vallie the most. She was super aggressive today...like over the top, first week aggresssive which looked really bad in front of the workers for me. Pretty sure it was because she was out of sync with her normal routine. We also spent the whole time outside, and the last hour with kids who weren’t even “ours”. Working inside is much easier so we can focus on the kids and the goals we've set for them. I’m glad the kids get to be outside, but it’s really not that fun for them. The workers try to keep most of the kids tied into swings and hold the others that are mobile. I understand there are a lot of kids to keep track of, but it’s really not that stimulating for kids to be outside if they have to stay within 15 feet of the workers, keep their sun hats on (hopeless), and have nothing to play with. It's a never ending battle. The minute Vallie is left outside with a hat on and an intern, it's like a game to keep her hat on. And the workers look at us like we're the ones taking them off. Sheesh! I guess we live to tell about it though after....

At the hospital today, Rosemary and I went to the 8th floor to see the same kids we saw on Friday. The little girl was still sucking/playing with her glass bottle from lunch a little while before. I guess she's been there since Cosmina left. She's from an orphanage and has got to be in there for some sort of nasty cold or bronchitis as she can barely breathe. She has two pillows and a sheet on her bed. No toys, no pictures, no stimulation to keep this poor girl occupied during the day. I seriously thought of leaving Bert behind for her and just hoping he didn’t disappear in the next day, but I was pretty sure he would. I’m not sure if she anticipated me leaving but towards the end of the day, she just turned away from me and was content just laying there. We had to leave early anyways because our professor was calling us to talk about our goals we emailed her so it was a good time to leave when the nurse had brought her a bottle with milk this time (instead of pureed mashed potatoes or something like that). I went down the hall to the room Rosemary was in with the other little boy who is going to be sent to a "placement center" aka orphanage. She was feeding him and I took over. After spending a few minutes feeding our little monkey/skeleton/baby boy, we headed back down the hill towards home.

I was actually really proud of myself with the conversation I had with Roberta. I worried she would tell me my goals were to high, or that they were too vague. I still have some changes to make before sending the final draft in for a grade. But she seemed impressed by my goals. The trick is sticking to them. I'll have to work hard and if I make enough progress, show off by posting them in a few weeks :)

Stefana (thanks Sarah!) they say she's three.....which is either wrong or sad considering she wears a size 2 diaper...Mom's is that normal ? PS Yes that is Bert making a cameo appearance in the left side. =) So glad I brought that guy a long! Kids love him.
This little baby is bundled and you can't tell but he is a living skeleton...at 3 months! His shoulder width is the length of my two pointer fingers!...if that. He has long sideburns and the cutest brown crossed eyes ever.

My Kiddies!

I figure it's time to introduce you to the kids that I work with 5 days a week in the orphanage and at the apartment. Rest assured for BYU and their own sakes, these are NOT their real names...

Mariuta- 4 yrs old and has Down Syndrome. She loves bouncing on the yoga ball with me. Mariuta is quite the little mom. Today when another kid was crying and she was in my lap, she reached my hand up to his leg to rub it. The nice part about her aggressive behavior (biting, gouging with her finger nails), is her face tenses up and she makes audible sounds that are a good indication it's time to move away/put her down...sometimes I'm not fast enough though! Yesterday she bit me and I still have a bruised shoulder

Vallie- 4 yrs as well. She has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and has a very small bone structure and very aggressive which are results of FAS. She loves to pull hair and has succeeded a few times in pulling out as much as you would in a hair brush. I consider her to be my first abusive relationship.

Leah- just turned one and is the Princess. She is quite a chunky baby which is surprising since most kids here you can feel their ribs easily. From what I can tell, institutionalization has not affected her as much because she's one of the favored children and gets the most attention from workers.

Sid- 9 yrs. Blind and spends the day laying in his wheelchair or on the floor. He is the most naturally blonde kid I've ever seen in Romania. It's almost white. He has about the same motor control as an infant would and does not walk or talk. But all you have to say is his name, touch him and he'll give you a great smile. He hardly ever cries, but when you do, you know something is wrong.

Julian- he's about 7 or 8 I think. I don't think he can see very far, if any at all. I've never seen him out of his wheelchair. His legs are strapped down because apparently he's kicked hard enough it turned his wheelchair backwards. He was the first boy I fell in love with. He used to lean against me as I sang to him. He doesn't do that as much anymore perhaps because I don't sing, I try to talk to him. When he gets excited he gives this "heeeee" squeal.

Egore- 9-10 yrs old. He is a very observant kid. He can't see much but I've caught him following noises/people around the room. He knows when you come up to him and when you leave he protests. As long as he's not hungry, anything you do with him is rewarded with the best drooly smile and gurgly noises ever .

Gonzo- perhaps 7 going on 8. He's pretty tiny as well and spends his days laying on the bed in the playroom with a feeding tube. His legs are pretty twisted up, perhaps from birth defects but institutionalization hasn't helped either. He knows when you walk by and you just say his name like the rest of the kids and he loves it. Today I spent a good while with him just massaging his legs and feet. There is something to be said about nonverbal communication.

There are two other girls who are basically nonresponsive. One of them lays in her crib in the bedroom all day. I've gone in a few times I wish I could do more than sit and rub her back and talk to her as she lays in a crib. The other girl is about 10 and sits in her wheelchair eating her hands all day. (Its not uncommon to see thse kids with bite marks, and scars on their hands from that.) Melanie and I try to spend time with her too, but it's hard as she doesn't respond and doesn't seem to enjoy being touched.

These kids are amazing. I don't know if anyone will ever be able to understand it. But anyone who's worked with special needs kids knows. Especially institutionalized children, they need extra love and patience.

Pa pa! (bye bye)

(For some reason my comptuer has wigged out and made uploading pictures suddenly difficult...Dad's working on finding a cure for my poor computer. There are about 3 people who use my laptop so who knows what was plugged in or changed to make it suddenly freak out every time I look at pictures for uploading. So pretend this was posted Monday...)

Today was an overall great day. Even though M was abnormally aggressive (usually Vallie takes care of that for both of them), we had some sweet moments with the kids while the worker just looked on and smiled. I think we're slowly gaining trust...or is that rapport? :) I also found out that M likes to color...Vallie just likes to make me mad by eating the crayons but I think M has potential to work on those fine motor skills. I love these children and wish I had more than just 2 months left of working with them.

At the hospital today, we headed up to the 8th floor. We headed to the left wing first so that we could just spend whatever time left with our little Cosmina on the other wing. She's been there since we started in May. The mom who has been in the same room as her saw us and told us Cosmina was going home today. My heart dropped at the thought of finally saying goodbye to this cute girl. We played with her for about 2 1/2 hours until the nurses came in and swooped her away. She was so excited to go she kept singing/bragging to her friends "I'm going home today". Sometimes we get lucky and kids come from the orphanage to the hospital or vice versa...she's sadly going across the country to another orphanage. A few weeks ago, I got a picture with her.

My Little Friend

I took a short video (she loves my camera so that's why she gets so excited when she sees it). I had to tell her un min (one minute) to keep her from getting upset. The end zooms in on her leg because a nurse walked by and I didn't know if she would get angry (she didn't thankfully). In my poor Romanian Grammar I ask her where she's going/leaving to today. I answer "a casa" (home) and she says "da" (yes). I then ask her if she's fericita (happy).