*Facepalm*

That last post was not quite it. I forgot the best piece of news from the last month or so, and since this blog started off as a way to keep friends and family informed about Drew and how he was doing in his journey with CHD, I would be remiss if I didn't post about his latest appointment.

We hadn't been to see his cardiologist since May, 2010. At that appointment, she told us we didn't have to come back for 18 months. Then, when we had Emmett and he had his echo, she seemed surprised by that. But, I digress. We went to his appointment about 2 weeks ago. I was sick to my stomach that whole week in anticipation of it...and yes, it was the same week that E fell down our basement stairs. OF COURSE!

So, we get through all the testing, etc, and his cardiologist comes in. She is asking question after question - to Drew this time - so this part was pretty entertaining, to say the least. Finally, she exams him and then, gives me the news. He is doing wonderfully. His surgeon repaired the PS in such a way that his MPA is staying open, only slightly stenotic (still considered mild). He has his murmur and his left axis deviation still, probably always will, but for now, he is doing amazingly well. His heart is "fabulous." Furthermore, we do not need to go back until November...2013! PRAISE GOD.

Please believe me when I say I do not take this blessing lightly. I know how fortunate we are. We are extraordinarily blessed that a) Drew's CHD was caught when he was young, b) we live where we do with the exemplary pediatric cardiac care our metro area has, c) he was monitored closely, d) his surgeon performed a relatively new technique, allowing more of his own tissue to remain -- thus allowing for his valve to grow with him and continue to stay open. We are beyond blessed. Drew is healthy (outside of what's going around this season -- he's had croup a third time as well, and E currently has it a second time!), active, funny, and most importantly, here.

God is so very good.

Catching Up

Well. It's been some time since I posted here, huh?

In late October, we were fortunate to be able to go on a mini family vacation to Great Wolf Lodge. Drew has a BLAST. We had this trip planned for awhile, but only told him of it the day we were going. Bill was called out of town on a business trip a little bit south of the Lodge, so we decided to go with him and then, visit my family in Pittsburgh. We spent a whirlwind 22 hours in the 'burgh, but I am so glad we went! We got to visit with many relatives in that short amount of time and it was well worth the extreme exhaustion I suffered from the entire next day!

Great Wolf Lodge was oodles of fun! Drew loved the water park (as did Emmett), and he loved the arcade and other activities just as much -- especially the nightly story time show and dance party. I would recommend GWL to families with young children, and would suggest packing your own food and drinks as well. It really helps to keep the trip affordable, and cuts down on crappy eating. We only purchased dinner while we were there and brought everything else. We left GWL with a "gift," however - Drew came down with the croup for the second time our last night there. And Emmett came down with it about one week later. Good times!

Just as we were coming out of the sickie haze that seemed to plague our house, I messed up. I asked Drew to get his shoes on for school and went about brushing my teeth without realizing that Drew getting his shoes meant the gate being open. Emmett's latest talent is crawling, and he's fast. Naturally, since I wasn't being as attentive as I should've been, he found his way to the stairs. And down he went. 11 stairs in all. One sickening thump after another, followed by screams, as panic rose in my body and I ran from the bathroom to our basement landing.

I would love to tell you I handled the situation calmly. That would be a lie.

I freaked out. Called 911 and had EMS come over because I at least had the presence of mind to understand that me driving him to the hospital in that condition would be a bad decision. EMS checked him out and advised us to still go to the hospital, where they called a trauma code. While my sweet boy was being poked and prodded, I was beating myself up internally. The kind souls on the trauma team saw through my pitiful attempts at being in control of my emotions and assured me they see this daily, it was not my fault, and these things happen.

I'd love to tell you these words comforted me in this moment, but...well, you get the idea.

We spent the entire morning in the ER for observation and waiting on the CT scan results...in addition, he needed to eat and keep the food down. Thankfully, he was completely fine and we were released in the early afternoon. Lesson learned, we installed a better gate that night. Mr Curious still crawls right over to it, but this time, there is no way he's going down any stairs because no one but an adult can open it.

So, there you have the "highlights" from the last month or so. We also celebrated Thanksgiving with Bill's family. We have much to be thankful for this year -- two healthy boys, a warm house, food on the table, clothes on our backs and employment. We try to be always mindful of our blessings, even when it's difficult. We are in the throws of the holiday season now, and that can be an especially difficult time to remember to slow down, be still and be grateful what with all the hustle and bustle and people forgetting this is supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year." Of course, as Christians, we also recognize that the real reason we celebrate is not because of Santa, or presents, or even food -- it's because Jesus was born. Thus, my boys celebrate with a "party" for Jesus. We sing "Happy Birthday" to him and talk about the real reason for Christmas. Yes, we do Santa and have an Elf watching over them; we get a tree, and stockings, and presents. But, we also try to instill in them what we are REALLY celebrating.

I hope you and your's enjoy the many blessings of this holiday season!

My Bucket List

Yesterday was the Detroit Free Press Marathon. No, I did not run it - nor did I run the half-marathon OR the 5K OR the relay - but it did get me thinking. Would I ever WANT to run 13.1 miles?

And my answer?

Yes. Maybe. I think so.

To be honest with you, I am scared. Running was never my "thing." In fact, I hated it with a fiery passion until recently. My first Big House Big Heart turned me on to running, as I walked with Drew and watched all the runners fly past me and celebrate inside Michigan Stadium at the end. For the very first time in my life I thought, "wow, that looks kind of fun!"

As I wondered about the half-marathon, it got me thinking about all the other things I'd like to do in my lifetime - the important events I want to witness, the silly trips I'd like to take, the memories I'd like to make with my family. So, without further ado, here is my (current) bucket list of sorts (in no particular order) -

1) Watch my boys grow up and do whatever makes them happy in life (Dear God, don't let me outlive them. If You grant me nothing else in this life, I will die happy knowing I died before them)

2) Love on my grandchildren and rock them to sleep

3) Go back to Hawaii, especially Maui (*le sigh*)

4) Actually become a bone-fide runner (run a few more 5Ks, then move to 10Ks, then figure out if I want to REALLY do a half-marathon)

5) Get in shape and stay there

6) Finish what I've started - scrapbooks, sewing projects, etc ...

7) Find a career that really makes me happy in my core...and pursue it after the boys are in college

8) Go back to Europe and this time, visit Italy

9) See all 50 states for real (airports do NOT count)

10) Take the boys on a Disney cruise

11) Grow old with Bill, but not outlive him (I know, this one is weird - I just don't think I could handle it)

12) Watch my grandchildren grow up

13) Become more involved in my Church

14) See a day when CHD is as well known as other health issues, funding for research is great and better treatments are saving even more lives

15) Learn to cook ... I mean REALLY cook

16) Learn to dance

17) Learn to play the piano

18) Become conversational in Spanish again and learn to speak Italian fluently as well

19) Write something (short story, novel, series of essays, whatever - something!)

20) Be remembered as a good person - someone who was a true friend, a loving mother, a faithful wife, and a good human being who put others before herself

( I am, of course, continuously working on this one - I will ALWAYS be a work in progress)

I made add to this as the years go by, but I don't think I'll take anything off of it. These are the things that first came to me, and I think they seem fairly reasonable. Of course, some of them I know I have NO control over, but they're on it all the same.

So...what's on YOUR bucket list?

Overwhelmed

Lately, I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed.

Bill has been working a tons of hours, Drew is going through a phase where we battle over something nearly every day, and Emmett is teething and learning to crawl - thus up multiple times at night once again. Add to this the fact that I have been miserably sick for nearly a week, it's the busy season for my business...OH, and did I mention the little tidbit that we put in an offer on a foreclosed home and now are hustling to list our current home?

Yeah. Stressed. To. The. Max.

I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am failing in all aspects of my life...especially parenting. I am a Love and Logic parent, or at least I used to be. Since Drew entered this new phase of constant disobedience and acting out, I am resorting to tactics I swore I would never implement. Yelling. I am ashamed, embarrassed, angry with myself, etc, etc... The stress of trying to get this house ready to list, plus running on limited sleep, is only compounding this phase we're going through with Drew. My sweet little man has become quite the devil at times. I know it's the age. I know there is some jealousy over Emmett. I know he needs/wants independence, which accounts for some of his frustrations. But, dammit, I just want to say something once and have him comply, without having to go through the whole rigmarole of giving him his choices and disciplining with a natural consequence if he doesn't do what I ask. I want one day that doesn't end in tears - his and mine.

I know lack of sleep plays a role as well in feeling like this. I am not good on little sleep. Never have been. When I have a newborn, I just seem to go n autopilot until I snap. Since E has been sleeping through the night for quite some time now, it's like a rude awakening to have him constantly up, crying, wanting me to rock him. I have started to let him cry it out because, I'm sorry, I am going insane with the lack of sleep. 4 hours/night is NOT enough. It is not OK. Then, I feel guilty because my sweet little baby is crying for me. While, intellectually, I know he is fine, he has every capability of soothing himself back to sleep and that he's just angry that I am not responding to him, it does feel like I am failing him. But, every morning, he greets me with a huge smile that seems to say, "It's OK, Mommy! I cried for awhile, then I slept really well and now, I am ready to play!"

Back to what I think is the main issue....this new house business...

Can I just say, sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of having a panic attack?! I can basically guarantee you that, if we didn't have this issue in our lives, I would probably be way more relaxed about Drew's acting out behaviors and not getting sleep. Probably. I can't say for sure. What I CAN say is that this is damn stressful. I have never bought a house before, much less tried to sell one. And with this craptastic housing market, I feel like I can't breathe when I think about all the "what ifs." Now, the rational side of me recognizes how this house is perfect for the right buyer...and that we're pricing it to entice said right buyer. Irrational/Afraid of Being House Poor Mary is freaking out that no one is going to want this house. And then, well, I just might have to work a *real* job.

No, thank you. I am just fine staying home with my boys and working very part time with my business. But, I don't have the luxury of making selfish decisions when it comes to the best interests of my family. So, if needed, back to work I would go until we sold our current house. If I could get hired that is...but that's another story (thank you saturated job market and tanking economy).

So, there you have it. If you know me in real life, and I have been distant, it's because I am silently freaking out and driving myself crazy with worry. Because I feel like every day is so completely overwhelming right now with the combination of things that are going on. I know this, too, shall pass. And, hey, we are on the verge of something really awesome with this new house. As long as we sell the current one. But, let's stop worrying for one night. Time to get some sleep so I can try to be a better Mom in the morning.

Wordless Wednesday

On Germs, the Congenital Heart Walk and Preschool

Last Friday, the hubs and I awoke to an eerily familiar sound coming from Drew's room.

In between him crying and yelling, we heard the telltale sounds of croup.

And with that, cold and flu season was officially upon us. And school hadn't started yet even. Awesome.

Drew and I spent 4 glorious hours in the local peds ER, where he charmed the pants off everyone in the joint - including one CNA, who wanted to take him home - and where I had to hide him from the random things you see in an ER that no child should see. A dose of liquid steroid, a breathing treatment and some observation, and we were on our way home - to our beds - at 5:00am.

Poor Drew missed the Congenital Heart Walk on Sunday. As he was contagious still, there was no way I was taking him around children with compromised immune systems. I had several moments of being upset that he was not going to be there. In the end, however, the walk was simply lovely. Emmett and I went to honor Drew, and many members of my family joined us there. It was a beautiful morning, and the walk route was lined with gorgeous older homes. It was perfectly serene and scenic. And another reminder of how blessed I am that Drew is healthy (you know, aside from croup) and doing well.

He WAS well enough, however, to attend his first day of preschool on Tuesday!! My li'l man is in preschool. Where does time go? He was SO excited!! His grandparents bought him a Lightening McQueen backpack that he's just been dying to wear, so he proudly strutted into school with his backpack on and his head held high, ready to start his academic life. I walked behind him in a daze, trying to remember when he got to be so big. We were able to stay for the first hour of class. At one point, Mr. Independent turned to me and said, "you go now Momma, I see you later!" He was ready to be on his own, with his teachers and his friends, knowing I would come back to get him when school was over. I am happy to report that when I picked him up, he ran to the door with a huge grin and hugged me. That warmed my heart. And then, we all went to Red Robin to celebrate with Daddy.

My little family makes me happy. I am blessed in so many ways.

10 years later ...

Sunday marks the 10th anniversary of the worst tragedy on US soil - the terror attacks of September 11, 2001.

I was in graduate school, and Tuesdays were my "late" day - meaning I just had a night class. So, being 21 and all, I was sleeping in. I had my alarm set for 9am, which was just shortly after the attacks began. When my alarm went off, I was groggy and I quickly hit snooze, for five more minutes of sleep. I rolled over and thought to myself, "wait a minute, what did he just say?" And I sat up in bed and turned on my TV. I could hardly believe my eyes.

I felt a huge sense of fear, and panic, and also I was a little bit weirded out because, just the night before, my one professor had been going on and on about how we spend too much money on the military and was specifically lamenting the money spent at the Pentagon - as well as the level of security there. To him, it was all pointless and there were much better ways to spend money. I was incredulous, but said nothing because it was pointless in his class. On the walk back to the graduate dorm, my friend and I were talking about class. I remember going on and on about how if people were going to attack our country, the Pentagon would be the first place they would hit. And then, I wake up just as a plane is going into the Pentagon. It was truly a W.T.F. moment in my life.

Making the situation worse for me and my ever increasing sense of fear and panic was that my sister was working in Washington, DC at the time. And none of us could get a hold of her. Finally, she was able to send an email saying she was fine and was going to stay where she was until this was all over and they knew more about what was going on. If you don't remember, there was a real sense of not knowing what was going on for awhile. Reports were coming out all over the place about bombs, planes and other things. No one knew if this would end soon, or continue through the day. As the day wore on, and it was apparent that they were over, reality began to set in.

Yes, this really happened.

And so, I wept for my fellow Americans, senselessly murdered that day. I wept for their families - spouses, children, parents. These are people who went to work that morning, or boarded a plane, never expecting to not go home when the day (or the trip) was over. And, just like that, they were gone.

I left class early to watch the President's address later that evening. No, our school didn't cancel classes and yes, I actually went to part of it. We all simultaneously stood up about a 1/2 an hour before the address was to begin and walked out. I think our professor was shocked, but I really don't understand why HE didn't want to watch it too.

And that brings me to THIS September 11th, 10 years after the fact. We will remember those who perished, and pray for them and their families. We will attend the Congenital Heart Walk and be with our friends and family there. And last, but certainly not least, we will celebrate my niece's 21st birthday. Oh yes, she shares her special day with this national tragedy and ten years ago, we made it clear to her that she was to go on celebrating her day, and being happy. If she could do that, then she would truly be honoring those who died that day by NOT allowing the terrorists to steal her joy on her birthday.

May God bless America.

Off the Wagon

The weight loss wagon that is.

No, I haven't gained any weight - I've just ... plateaued. Oh sure, my body fat percentage is in the athletic range (ca-a-raaaazy, but true), but those 3 digits on the scale need to start going down again.

I know what my problem is - tasty treats that I've allowed to sneak back into my diet.

But, starting today, that is no more! I have a mere 13 lbs to go to my goal weight and that's coming off before the stupid holidays get here. Oh, and this WILL be the first year I don't put one pound on during the holidays. My freakin' sweet goal jeans (which I, of course, have already selected) need a forever home, dang it.

And with that, I am hoisting myself back on the wagon. I will be "staying honest" by blogging more and documenting this last bit of my struggle. So, keep me honest peeps.

Please?

:)

A Mother's Body

Our society places a lot of unrealistic demands on women, especially mothers, to look a certain way. Women such as Jessica Alba, Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie are plastered on the covers of magazines in our neighborhood grocery check out lanes. We are told that *this* is how WE should look. Magazine cover stories all but scream "Look at her! You should look like this! It's soooo easy!!!"at unsuspecting (and sometimes fragile) women just trying to feed their families.

Well, excuse me, but who the hell are YOU to tell ME how I should look?

Let's be honest - these women have full time help and money to burn. So, they can hit up the gym for hours each day, get a personal trainer, and pay someone to cook healthy meals for them then serve said meals in the correct portion size. There is no guess work, no juggling a clingy baby on one hip while you weigh your chicken on a scale, no being called away from cutting up vegetables to clean up the spill in the living room. They don't spend hours up at night with a colicky newborn, then have hours to burn at the gym. It just doesn't work like that. If someone is telling me that she has 3 hrs/day to spend at the gym, eats perfectly portioned servings of food at every meal, showers, puts on make up and real clothes every day and has date night once/week - with a 3-month-old at home - I am going to tell her she is full of shit. Or lying. One of the two. Either way, I am calling shenanigans.

And this is who you think I - a work at home mom of 1 active little boy and 1 infant who is just starting (somewhat) sleeping through the night - should look like?

Piss off.

The only way I am able to do what I am doing with my body is because I am extraordinarily blessed to have an understanding husband and be able to afford boot camp and healthy food. It's as simple as that.

These days, I am making a concentrated effort to choose to focus on being healthy and becoming strong. On being secure in my own skin. Too many women lament how their bodies are imperfect - and don't get me wrong, I do too. But the truth of that matter is, if you're a mother, you've experienced something miraculous -- a new life growing inside of you. And that needs to trump feeling sad about the stretch marks all over your body. Just remember, those women in those magazines are airbrushed - real women are not.

I am happy to see sites and tributes dedicated to the changes a mother's body has undergone. A couple of my new favorites include Birthmarks and The Shape of a Mother.

It's about time we start celebrating our bodies and the lives they've nourished and brought into this world. It's time we start looking to each other as role models, instead of celebrities. It's time we focus on being healthy, strong and happy - instead of what society tells us the "perfect" mom should look like.

Your baby thinks you're perfect just the way you are, because you love him/her unconditionally. Love yourself the same way.

And yes, I'll try to take my own advice! ;)

Time Sucks

Lately, I have found a lot of ways to waste time. It seems like whenever the boys are down for naps, or in bed for the night, I am on my computer checking out my latest time sucks. Don't ask me why. Maybe I need down time. Maybe I am sick of cleaning my house. Maybe I just like to sit and stare at a computer screen. Maybe I am a procrastinator at heart. Who knows!

Some favorite game time sucks include Fruit Ninja and Angry Birds (thanks Bill).

When I am feeling crafty, I check out Twinkle Baby Boutique, or a crafty blog, such as Make It and Love It. And then, I either purchase something or bemoan the fact that I haven't gotten out the sewing machine I just had to have in about 1.5 yrs. It's collecting dust in the basement, under a pile of God only knows what. What an investment! But, do I do anything about it? Do I get said sewing machine out and relearn how to sew in a straight line so I might be able to one day be the crafty goddess I long to be? No. I just check out more projects, "ooohing" and "ahhhing" and otherwise drooling over lush fabrics, darling skirts and cute pillows.

When I want to find new ways to waste time, I log on to Pinterest because, MAN, can that site suck time away nicely. Not only do I enjoy hours of viewing possible pins, and repinning the best on my boards; but inevitably that endeavor takes me to something else - like looking at more craft blogs.

Then, there's the money time suck - Etsy. God help me. I love me some Etsy. Just writing that word, Etsy, makes me itch to come up with a reason to purchase something homemade for my boys or my goddaughter, Gabby. I swear he needs it, Bill. NEEDS IT.

Let's not forget my all time favorite time suck - Amazon Mom. OH. MY. WORD. You mean I can find 75% of the things I need for my home/children, for a discounted price, AND get free shipping, thus making going out to the store with 2 screaming children virtually unnecessary? Yes please!

I'll leave you with my new favorite time suck, also known as "the site where I would spend all my money if I didn't have a conscience and, you know, think about the boys and their needs above my own desires" - Ruche. L-O-V-E.

So, there you have it. Just a few of my favorite time sucks.

And with that, I am off to work now - because 10pm is a perfectly appropriate time to just be starting to work on things like cleaning the house or my business. Why do at 7pm what you can put off til 10pm? That's just crazy talk.

Thirty-One Gifts

I realized not too long ago that, while I have a button for it on my blog, I have never really talked about Thirty-One! For shame, Mary, for shame!

Here are some FAQs I routinely get -

What is Thirty-One Gifts?

Thirty-One is a faith based direct selling company specializing in unique, embroidable (for the most part) organizational/storage products, purses, totes, stationary and home accessories for busy women on the go! The products are functional, fun, fashionable and, most importantly, AFFORDABLE. Go ahead, check out the catalog and tell me there isn't one thing you see there that you don't just want, but could actually use...and not only that, but you absolutely love it. Oh, and the added bonus is this month, the Customer Special is 15% off EVERYTHING in the catalog - no minimum purchase required. Pretty. Sweet.

What does Thirty-One stand for?

Thirty-One refers to Proverbs 31 about the Virtuous Woman. Thirty-One Gifts exists to Celebrate, Encourage and Reward Women.

How did you get started?

I started as a Consultant in October, 2009. I hadn't been working since Drew was about 7 months old, and while I was very happy being a stay at home mom, I needed something in my life to allow me to earn some income while staying home with him. I didn't want a traditional job, even part time, because I wanted the flexibility to make my own schedule and work as many (or as few) hours as I wanted. I started off with the intention of earning maybe a couple hundred dollars per month. Nothing huge. I really didn't have major expectations. Within a day of signing up however, my friend also signed up...then another friend signed up...then people I barely knew...then people I didn't know at all. And the more I shared Thirty-One with others, the more they wanted to be a part of this amazing company. In addition, my hostesses became repeat customers, as did their guests, and word got around just how fantastic the products are. And so parties were booked, and sales were made, and it just kept getting better and better. So that couple hundred dollars per month I set out to make turned into nearly what I made working full time before Drew was born. Seriously.

What is your favorite product?

Oh my. Too many to name. I love, love, love my organizing utility tote, which I use as my traveling office. Another product I could not live without? The large utility tote. Even my husband loves this tote. I honestly could go on and on, but I'll leave you with one last favorite - the Cindy Tote (middle of page 41). It. Is. Amazing. Especially in the dark denim fabric, which is new for fall. (please bear in mind that the Google pages include fabrics which have been discontinued, and prices have changed for the fall, so please consult with myself or the current catalog for the correct fabrics and prices)

Is it a lot of work to host a party?

Absolutely not! You just invite your friends, family, co-workers, anyone you think would love Thirty-One and I do the rest. I send out the invites, I bring everything we need and send you a hostess packet (or hand it to you at a party) detailing what will be going on. You just simply put out some chips and dip, pour a few drinks, and get ready to have an amazing time. My presentation is never longer than 15-20 minutes, it's interactive and based on your guests interests and questions. This also ensures that if you attend more than one party where I am the Consultant, you will not ever sit through the same presentation twice.

What do you love most about Thirty-One?

Gosh. I love a lot of things about Thirty-One. Helping women realize their dreams, the products, my team. Probably number one, however, is that it affords me the ability to earn a pretty decent income while staying at home with my boys. As long as our needs don't change, I should be able to keep this as my source of income until the boys are out of school and I feel like it's time to return to work full time. I should be able to be involved with my boys' school activities, after school activities and sports. I will be able to spend summer vacations with them. We should be able to take vacations relatively easily, because we'll only have to worry about school breaks and when Bill can get time off work - and not have to factor my work schedule into things at all.

So, there you have it. I won't spend a ton of time on this blog discussing Thirty-One, as that's not what I had in mind when I began the blog nearly 3 years ago. But, it is a part of my life and I wanted to share it. :)

Come Sail Away!

Last week, the hubs and I went on a 4 day cruise.

Sans two little boys.

Among other things, we

Lived on a ship for 4 days!

Spent some quality time together, just the 2 of us!

Kissed (and swam with and hugged) DOLPHINS!

Celebrated a dear friend's wedding! Congratulations Jeff and Karyn!!

Wore napkins on our heads at dinner!

Got up at 5:30am to try and see Atlantis landing in Cape Canaveral!

It was a wonderful trip, full of great times and we made some amazing memories (DOLPHINS anyone?!). We were happy to get home to our little men, but glad we were able to experience this time away together.

Lasagna - It's What's For Dinner

So, my friend, Krista, of Thar She Sews requested that I do some blog posts about the meals I am making.

Well, Krista, ask and you shall receive.

Tonight I made The Best Vegetable Lasagna from Kath Eats Real Food. And the verdict is ...

Delicious!

For those of you who know me well, you know that mine is a love-hate relationship with vegetables --- in that I can't stand most of the vegetables that are good for me, but I want to eat them because I know they are needed in my diet. And thus, I am always looking for different ways to get vegetables into my diet. Let's be honest here, I bought "Deceptively Delicious" as much for myself as my kids. And still, there are some things (like broccoli) that I will not touch.

I digress. Back to the recipe.

You will see the suggested vegetables are spinach, carrots, sun dried tomatoes and zucchini. Since I like all of these, I stuck with her recommendation. I did change up the sauce, however, as I've been on a Ragu kick as of late. Why? Because there are 2 servings of vegetables in each 1/2 cup, so I like to think I am being all healthy eating this sauce in my once weekly pasta meal. (Yes, I'm a terrible Italian eating Ragu, but I haven't had time to make my own sauce in awhile. *shame*) It also calls for cottage cheese instead of ricotta cheese, which made me skeptical, but I really enjoyed it. Anyway, back to the vegetables - I recommend grating the zucchini and carrots. I found I could get more of each into the lasagna by doing this. I also put 2 cups of spinach in, instead of one. The only thing I didn't do, because I didn't think it would be an issue, was cut up the sun dried tomatoes. I would definitely recommend that! They were hard to eat, and Drew nearly gagged on them. So, that was a bit of a fail.

All in all, this is definitely something I would make again. If you make it, be sure to post and tell me what you think!

Bon Appetite!

How I'm Doing It -- Diet

You've read about the exercise component of my journey to healthy living, so now it's time to talk about the nutritional side of things. What am I doing to ensure I am eating properly? After all, a proper diet (ie: staying within one's correct caloric intake, balancing protein/carbs/etc correctly, eating smaller meals more frequently) is even more essential to losing weight and being healthy than proper exercise. You can workout all you want, but if you eat like crap, you're going to feel (and look) like crap.

For my weight, height and BMR (basal metabolic rate), I am afforded a certain number of calories, grams of fat, protein/carb intake each day and I am encouraged to drink at least 64 oz of water every day. How do I ensure I am staying within my limits? As I mentioned, I track it - using My Fitness Pal. Haven't used this? Try it - it's fabulous! It's super easy to use, a lot of what I am cooking/eating is already in their system, and it really helps me stay on track!

I am also reading. A lot. Websites, blogs, Facebook pages. And getting some of my recipes from the following publications -

I totally plan to get a subscription to Clean Eating!

In addition, I make meals from this cookbook -

And, my all time favorite recipe website - Skinny Taste. Love me some Gina's recipes! Everything I have made tastes like it's loaded with calories and fat - but it's NOT! It's absolutely amazing, and the best of both worlds for this girl who looooves to eat - tasty foods and guilt free eating! Even my husband told me that the chicken enchiladas were better than anything he'd ever eaten in a Mexican restaurants. We live fairly close to some pretty authentic Mexican restaurants, so this is a huge compliment. I am so happy my friend, Mandy, let me in on this site last year!

Some other good sites for recipes and nutritional information are - Kath Eats Real Food and The Daily Garnish. A good blog to read is Weighing In and Moving On - Kristen is chronicling her journey to a healthy body and she has lost about 150 lbs so far! She is truly inspiring!

I hope you find something tasty (and healthy!) to eat from this post. I plan to update on nutrition (and exercise) as I continue on my journey. So, stay tuned ... and HAPPY EATING!

**special thanks to fellow heart mom, Jenny Lincoln, from Aly Jean's Special Heart for teaching me how to hot link!! **

Progress

It occurred to me that I never posted a "before" picture, so I could document my transformation as I go through boot camp and learn to eat properly. I have yet to do the full body picture that you see a lot of women and men doing when they're documenting weight loss. I have not been comfortable with seeing myself full on in a picture, much less posting it-- but I am getting there. Maybe by the end of my next session of boot camp, you will be able to see a full shot of me in all my workout gear or fun new clothing glory.

I decided I would start the picture journey for this blog with a picture from Mother's Day, which was approximately 2 weeks before my first session of boot camp -

Now this picture is from Karyn's birthday in early June, so halfway through my first session of boot camp. Honestly, I don't notice much of a difference. I didn't start feeling a difference until the following week, so I guess that makes sense. In fact, I think I look worse than I do above in this picture because of how I am sitting. Oh well, here you go -

And finally, here I am in between the first two sessions of boot camp. I think you can finally start to see the difference in my face -

So, there you have it. Some pictures to serve as an example of how I am beginning to change. And I am starting to change as I navigate my way through my new life of working out consistently and eating properly. What do you think? Do you think it shows?

Oh, and I have to take a head shot of myself for my work publication, as I recently promoted to Senior Director (*squeeeeeeee*!!!!!), so I will put that in a subsequent blog post. Along with some better shots of my body. I bet you can hardly wait! ;)

"Encouragement"

Have you seen the movie, "Couples Retreat?" If so, you know the character Salvadore the Yoga Instructor. That scene is, by far, one of the funniest in the entire film. For whatever reason, I've had him saying "encouragement!" in my head all day. Seriously. It started in boot camp and won't get out of my head.

Maybe it's because I need to be a little more encouraging with myself, instead of so damn hard on myself all the time. We're talking 30+ years of being hard on myself, however. It isn't going anywhere overnight. And what I beat myself up about varies - these days, it mainly centers around my health and fitness goals.

Boot camp is actually going really well. I am in my second session and have plans to "join" for one year. That is how much I am enjoying it. I am also seeing results - though, of course, not as quickly as I would like to see them. In the first session, I lost 4.5 inches and 2.6 lbs working out 3x/week for 4 weeks. I also shaved 2 minutes off my timed mile from the first week to the last week. Good, right? Absolutely. To top if off, I have currently lost at least another 2 lbs and I am sure a few more inches. I can (mostly) run up the giant hill at the place we work out at.

So, what's my deal? Why am I getting frustrated?

Because I hate the number I am still seeing on the scale.

This is about SO much more than a number on a scale, I know that. Which is why it makes it doubly sad that I am getting "stuck" on what the scale says. I should just throw it out - honestly, I only just bought it last year because I was always afraid of becoming obsessed with weighing myself. And I bought it because I realized my weight was getting out of control. In the least, I need to limit my weigh ins to once/week. I won't see the fluctuations so clearly if I do. And they won't piss me off if I don't know they're happening.

So, "regard me" for a bit. I will get past this and focus on what is important - that I have made lifestyle changes and am eating far more healthfully (word??) than I ever have. That I have made a commitment to getting healthy and am sticking with it. That my kids will look to me as a role model and will be healthy themselves as a result. That I will rock some sweet, expensive WAY SMALLER jeans by mid-fall/early-winter.

"Encouragement!"

One Lovely Blog

My friend in real life and fellow blogger, Krista (http://tharshesews.blogspot.com - no, I still can't hot link and no, I don't know what my problem is with it *grumble*), gave me the One Lovely Blog award! Thanks girl! So sweet of you!

Unfortunately, for all of you, that means I am supposed to wow you with 7 amazing facts about myself that you don't know. Honestly, I am probably the most boring person in the whole world, but here goes -

1) I wasn't exactly, um, planned. If my Mom were alive today, she'd be turning 74 and my Dad, he'll be 72 in August.

2) I am probably the only person you'll ever meet who was threatened with going to public high school if I didn't get it together academically in the 8th grade. Since I was afraid of the high school I would be going to due to it's size, this tactic worked. I loved my little school and knowing everybody. And, I was an honors student all through high school...and college...and grad school. ;P

3) My friend, Meg, and I used to visit the overnight DJ for a local radio station in college. I don't even remember how this started, but we would go hang out with him in the studio. We thought we were hot sh*t, I am sure. ;)

4) I can write pretty well with my left hand. For whatever reason, I used to practice writing with my left hand and I got pretty good at it. My hand tires easily from it, so I can't write for long, but I have this amazingly useless talent. I can't do anything else left handed, however, so teaching Drew to use scissors or throw a ball is all right handed.

5) Meg and I also nearly got abducted and/or killed going to the Hoe-Down when we were in college. We didn't really know much about Detroit at the time, so we decided to park at the Joe Louis Arena and walk along the Detroit River. We were walking and not paying attention when these ladies in front of us motioned for us to join them. We did, and thank God they were there, because they told us we were being followed. Sure enough, when we turned around, 2 guys ducked behind a wall. One of the scariest experiences of my life.

6) I was originally a physical therapy major in college. When the science and math classes sucked big time, and I found my niche in psychology, I switched. I think if I had told my father I was pregnant it would've gone over better. Then again, maybe not. But he acted like I had killed a puppy or something.

7) I used to want to have 4 children - 2 boys and 2 girls. Got my two boys and I am perfectly happy and content. I will get my girl fix buying pretty outfits for my friends' daughters and hanging out with my nieces. I now think "wow, you had no idea" when I remember wanting 4. It just would not work. I am not meant to have 4 kids. (God does have a sense of humor, however, so watch this come back to bite me!)

So, I don't know how interesting those were, but there you have it. 7 facts that I think most of you were unaware of. I hope you enjoyed reading this post! Thank you, again, Krista!

Balance

I have been wondering something lately - is balance in life an enigma? Or, is it something that can truly be achieved? I wonder this as I am still learning to navigate my new "normal" since having Emmett. Through trial and error, I am trying to come up with a "system" that works for my family so that all the things that need to get done, do and I am still able to spend the time with my boys that I want to spend.

Yeah, it's not really working out that well.

Most days I am lucky if I feel like I got one or two things on my to-do list done, outside of caring for the boys. A lot of the time, I am still trying to figure out how to get Drew outside to play, Emmett down for a nap and Maggie out for a walk. Emmett doesn't like to sleep anywhere but his crib (rarrrr), Drew NEEDS to play outside (seriously. like you need air, this kid needs the outdoors) and Maggie is insane most days - walking her daily would really help this problem. So, while I sit and try to figure out my daily plan of attack to make sure all my kids' needs are met, I feel stressed that nothing else seems to get done during the day.

So, when does it get done you ask? That answer is at night. When the boys are in bed. And I should be having down time. My "down" time now is cleaning my house, doing laundry, catching up on work, etc, etc. And it ends with me falling into bed exhausted at 11pm, only to be up at least once during the night with one or both kids. Bill and I rarely have an evening to just hang out and relax. I am in desperate need of a girls' night out (anyone??). A day of outlet shopping with a good friend? Um, yes please! My friend's wedding cruise? I am counting the days. I really think I need some down time to get the balance back in my world. To clear my head. And then, there it is.

Guilt.

I am a firm believer in replenishing one's own well. I routinely tell others to be sure they are kind to themselves and care for their needs too. After all, if you fall apart, who is going to be there to care for your family? No one. So, take a bath. Go for a walk. Curl up with a good book. Enjoy a night or day out with friends. Do whatever it is that makes YOU happy. A happy mom makes a happy family. So, why can I dish out this advice, but not take it. At least not without feeling guilty?

I don't know.

And so here I am. Wondering if I will ever feel balanced again. I have re-dedicated myself to working out and taking care of my health, and that feels good. Now, everything else just needs to fall in place and maybe I won't end every day feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Or, maybe that's impossible and I just need to learn to be content with it being what it is. Prioritize my day, my week, my month and focus in on what is most important - my kids, my family, my health - and let the other items fall into place where they will. Realizing I am not perfect and don't need to have it all together all the time. Maybe that's when I will feel balanced again.

Hmmmm....

A Letter to Emmett

My Dearest Emmett -

It's hard to believe that nearly one year ago, you came into being. You were with us on our trip to Chicago, only we didn't know! When we returned home, Mommy started to suspect you might be on board - I don't normally smell drywall or fall asleep on the couch, sitting up, at 6:30pm. I don't remember if I shared my suspicions with Daddy, I think I did, but I do know I didn't tell him I was going to test. It was early, really early, and I knew he would think it was a waste. Well, he would've been wrong. No sooner did I set that test down did it turn positive. I could hardly believe my eyes! Yes, we were praying God would bless us soon with another little miracle, I just couldn't believe it had happened! Daddy was happy and surprised. I immediately went into Mommy mode where you were concerned. Mommy knows that life begins at conception, so she knew you were a little life already. You were growing furiously and would soon be developing major organs. It was my job to give you a safe place to grow and thrive. I take that job very seriously.

Since I found out so early, and didn't show any signs of being ill, I thought maybe I would escape the awful morning sickness that plagued me while I was pregnant with your brother, Drew. But, like clockwork, the day I hit 6 weeks, there it was. I held on to the knowledge that it meant you were growing as you should be. That you were healthy and happy in Mommy's belly. Even as I laid on the bathroom floor, or draped myself over the toilet, I thanked God that you were healthy. It's all that has ever mattered to me - that my children are healthy.

For awhile, I thought you would be due on March 14th. So, in my mind, I thought perhaps you were a little girl. But, when we went for our first OB appt and found out when you were really estimated to come, I knew better. I turned to Daddy and said, "it's a boy!" And that was OK. As long as you were healthy, I didn't care what gender you were. And, to be honest, I loved having a little boy already so I knew I would love having two. Here is what you looked like that day -

So, the weeks turned into months and I anxiously awaited our 20 weeks ultrasound and fetal echo. Since your big brother was born with two heart defects, and needed open heart surgery, I was kind of a nervous wreck about your heart. Even though our integrated screen came back normal, I was still nervous. Until I could see your heart, see 4 chambers, no holes and know everything was in it's proper location and/or present, I was nervous. Praise God, your heart looked fabulous. Even Dr. Cutler said your heart was "beautiful." Music to this Momma's ears, let me tell you. The ultrasound tech also knew we were anxious to learn if Mommy was right; if you were a boy. And you were more than happy to oblige. Since I don't aim to embarrass you, I will post a picture of your beautiful profile instead of your "boy parts" -

And so we waited. We waited for you to grow and get fat and develop the rest of the way. And Mommy got bigger and bigger along the way. There were a few scares and a few false alarms, but on March 9th, you were finally ready. Well, my body was finally ready. You? You had other plans! You put up a helluva fight to stay inside Mommy. Finally, there was no choice but to go in and get you. And when you came out, oh Emmett, you took my breath away. Just like Drew. Mommy loved you from the very first moment I saw you - because I really loved you from the very first day I knew you were on your way. You were absolutely perfect and extraordinarily beautiful. I know all the Moms say that about their babies, but you were exceptionally good looking. The c-section spared your sweet head some major trauma. All your nurses and doctors just couldn't stop saying how cute you were. And, like the proud Mommy I was, I naturally agreed. Here is one of my favorite pictures of you from the first week of your life -

So, we began our new life with you. The four of us (5 including Maggie!) on our own, at home. We've had many bumps along the way. You have a very sensitive tummy and it hurt a lot in the beginning. It hurts Mommy to see you in so much pain. We still haven't gotten it completely figured out, but it's much better for the most part. Watching you grow and begin to discover your world is a true blessing. You have the most beautiful smile (which you don't let me capture on camera!) and the sweetest voice. You love to flirt with Mommy all day long. And I love to flirt right back. It's hard to resist your sweet face, even in the middle of the night. You love to snuggle and you LOVE to eat. You are big, my love. Very big. You look like a six-month-old! I love it. As long as I know you're healthy (and you are), I love seeing your rolls and double chin. I know you'll slim down when you start moving because you're built exactly like Daddy. I already know how you'll look as a grown up. Tall and slim. And, of course, handsome - just like Daddy and Drew. You are trying so hard to roll over. You move your feet like you want to walk. I think you'd be scooting (army crawling) already, if you could get the movements coordinated. You are growing up fast and I am trying to soak in every moment. Somehow Drew morphed from infant to toddler to preschooler in the blink of an eye. I don't want to rush this with you. I know I will miss it too much. Here you are at 3 months -

Emmett, I pray that God guides me to be the mother you need. Notice I said mother, not friend. I am sure there will be times we will butt heads, and you will think I don't understand or that I am unfair, but my job is to be your Mom - to protect you, guide you, teach you, love you and let you spread your wings and fly. It is not to be your best bud or coddle you or not create boundaries and enforce consequences. You might not understand this growing up but, one day, you will. I know this because I get it now (shhhh ... don't tell Grandpap I'm admitting that!!). Emmett, I love you with all of my heart. I pray that you grow strong and healthy. I look forward to all the memories yet to be made.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

Motivation

So our boot camp trainer, Katie, gave us a project - to make a poster using words and pictures of whatever motivates you to come to boot camp. To be honest, in the beginning, my main source of motivation was the fact that I had to be in a bathing suit in the middle of July around many people and I did NOT want to look like I just had a baby. I hated my belly, and my thighs, everything was a jiggly mess. There was no way I was getting in a bathing suit looking like this! It was purely vanity driven, to try and recapture as much of my pre-baby body as possible in 8 weeks (actually, it was more like my pre-DREW body). As I got closer to the start of boot camp, however, I started to really think about why I was doing this...

Was it just for that moment in time?

Those 5 days on a cruise ship for Karyn's wedding?

If so, then why bother? Bust my butt for 8 weeks just to let it all come back on later? No thank you. If I was going to do this work, it was going to be a complete lifestyle change.

Thus, when I sat down to complete my project (like a good little student), I thought about what was driving me - what was REALLY driving me. And I came up with this -

Sorry for the fairly craptastic picture of my poster, but you get the idea!

In the middle, you see my boys. They are my main driving force. I must model healthy eating habits and an active lifestyle if they are to become healthy, active adults. And so, I put the words "eat right" and "strong" above them, and "live healthy" below them. I couldn't find "role model" in either Fitness or Shape, so I wrote it in. Those directly correspond to my boys and myself; our relationship and what I hope to help them with as they grow.

Around those words and my boys are other things that motivate me - getting back to running, being slim and fit, and perhaps even being able to wear a bikini again some day ... if I can figure out how to lose the "gifts" my sons left on my body.. And, of course, a central theme with those pictures is the beach. Yes, I want to look good on the beach this summer. To feel like I look good. To feel confident and proud of my body. I have a looooong way to go to get back to where I was pre-Drew, but I know I will get there with this new mindset.

When I started boot camp, success was just getting out of bed at 4:30am. Now, success will be when I can run the hill at Lamphere without stopping at some point on the way up. I WILL do it before the end of the next session. I will. And my reward for my achievement? A healthy, fit body.

Three

My "baby" is three.

What?!

In the fall, he will be in preschool and next spring, I will start to look into kindergarten programs for him so the following spring, I know where I want to send him. How did we get here? Wasn't he just a baby? And now I am thinking about school and dentist appointments and sports camps?

At his three year well checkup yesterday, I was informed that he is 38lbs and 37 inches tall. I knew he was large, I just wasn't sure where the numbers were going to fall. Well, they fell off the chart for weight. To look at him you would never know he is "overweight" for his age - he just looks solid. Good thing it's summer! He will be outside way more now that the weather is nice and hopefully those extra pounds will just melt off during the next few months. In addition, we have to watch portion sizes of even the healthy foods. For example, we had already switched to skim milk and low fat yogurt for him months ago, but now I need to check the sugar content on the yogurt and give him string cheese instead of block cheese.

In a lot of ways, I feel like a failure, even though I know he's not fat per se. I also know that we feed him healthy foods. It's the winter that did him in ... and me being pregnant and not as active. I think that's why I feel guilty. I should've had him out more and running around, but I was so tired and sore (and the weather was so crappy), that I just let it be what it was. We went out here and there, he went to school, and Bill wrestled with him. And that was that. Parenting fail. With Drew's heart issues, it's very important that he live a healthy lifestyle. No extra weight around the mid-section putting pressure on his heart. Healthy eating habits. Love of exercise. All of these are important. I am hoping that this boot camp really does result in what I want most - a total transformation for me in the way I live my life. And if I have that transformation, it will be easy to extend it to the family. I wasn't completely unhealthy, but there was definitely LOTS of room for improvement. I need to lead by example. If I want Drew (and Emmett) to be active and eat right, then I need to show them the way. I owe it to them.

So, three-years-old looks like it will be the year Drew trades his goldfish crackers for strawberries. Wagon rides for walks to the park. The year I let him help me cook, so he can take pride in the food we eat and learn why it's good for us. Preschool and sports camps. Attitude and time outs. Smiles, giggles and goofing around. Swimming lessons and Kindermusik again. Sounds like a busy year!!

Happy Birthday, Drewbie!!!! Mommy loves you to the moon and back.

My Worst Fear

I was going to write about something completely different today - I was going to post (ok, ok - brag) about my boot camp session today. About how I actually dragged myself outside, in 40 degree weather (isn't it May?!) and rain, even though my bed was calling my name. But, to be honest, my mind wasn't "in" boot camp today - it was with a family I've never even met - the Bissing Family. They were just a normal family, living their lives with 6-month-old triplets and an older son, until the bottom fell out of their world one night. Owen, one of the triplets, was found unresponsive and on his stomach in his crib. They got his heart beating again, but the damage to his brain was too extensive, and now his family is setting about the incredibly brave and generous task of donating his organs so other babies can live. This is every parent's worst fear. Be it SIDS related, as this appears to be, or some horrible accident, or an illness that takes your child - this is the fear that parents live with - something happening to your child.

I will be the first to admit it - I am scared silly about SIDS. As much as CHD and childhood cancer scare me, SIDS does as well. When I was in high school, my cousin lost her precious baby boy to SIDS. I will never forget his wake and funeral. When Drew was born, we bought the Angel Care monitor, which measures his breathing with a sensor and sets off an alarm if there isn't any movement for 10 seconds or so. It went off once, and after we determined Drew was fine (it took a bit because he was really sleeping), I completely lost it. When he was diagnosed with his CHDs, I asked the cardiologist about SIDS. She assured me this would not increase his risk for a SIDS related death, and I tried to believe her.

I am sure many people wonder "why does she read this stuff? it's so depressing." I don't have an answer for that. And it IS depressing. But maybe I read it to remind myself of what I have - two healthy boys - and to never take that for granted. Maybe I read it to share in a mother's grief and support her from afar, because only another mother can understand the love we bear our children. Maybe I read it to remind me to not get caught up in the everyday "stuff" - the acting out, the middle of the night feedings, the being pulled in 9 million directions when all I want to do is sit still...and just be grateful. Be grateful that I have a child healthy enough to be defiant - remembering that I prayed he would grow strong and healthy - and let some of it go. Be grateful that my baby CAN wake me up in the middle of the night. Be grateful I am insanely busy because it means my boys are here to keep me busy.

So, no. Today I am not going to write about boot camp. Not when I was up nearly all night thinking about Owen, and his family, and wondering how Emmett was doing in his crib and if the Angel Care monitor was working. Not when, after my shower, I was greeted by big smiles from my little man. Not when I got to snuggle in bed with him while we waited for his big brother to wake up, and fell asleep for a bit, then woke up to his smiling face. Not when I listen to Drew playing his "monkey game" in the other room and sniffling as he breathes because of his cold. Not when he is making up numbers - "Five-teen Momma!" All of this reminds me to be grateful - I have a great life - and that life is precious and meant to be cherished.

(If you want to read about Owen and his family, please visit his mom's blog - http://bissingfamily.wordpress.com)

Me, On a Diet

Not so much a diet, but a different approach to eating. One that involves more balance and willpower - and less processed foods. Maybe someday I will even be mostly eating "clean," I don't know. I am a work in progress, and do not expect to get there overnight. If you look back on previous posts, I probably have half a dozen dedicated to my struggle to lose weight, motivation and willpower and my thyroid issues. Enough excuses. Starting today (well, yesterday really), I am holding myself accountable for actually DOING something about it. And you are going to help me! I will document this journey on my blog - either weekly or a few times per week.

The back story -

When I became pregnant with Emmett late last June, I was overweight. Many were shocked to hear it, because apparently I hide weight well, but I was. I was baffled because I had been running since January and hadn't changed my diet. My thyroid issues, which were confirmed AFTER I was pregnant, were partly to blame. The other guilty party was myself - and my inability to stick to any program. This isn't news to anyone who knows me, or reads my blog, but I like to eat. I am Italian and, let's face it, we are encouraged to eat from a young age. To eat, but not get fat. An interesting dichotomy that, for me, has resulted in a love/hate relationship with my body and food. Whenever I cleaned my plate, I was praised. If I left something I was scolded. If I wanted something more, and I ate it, I was praised. If I asked for something more and left any part of it, I was scolded. So I learned to take more of the things I liked (usually not so healthy) and less of the things I didn't (usually healthier items). And I always cleaned my plate. Always. I knew nothing of correct portion sizes until the last few years. I ate my food in record time, like someone was chasing me, and usually ate way too much - and paid for it with stomach troubles later on.

When I became pregnant with Emmett, I obviously wasn't trying to lose weight. I was, however, trying to gain appropriately. I had started Weight Watchers the month before I became pregnant and followed the principles, but upped my points. And it was working! Then, the all day sickness kicked in and I ate whatever sounded good, just to be sure I was eating - usually crap from McDonald's or pizza or some such thing - when I could eat at all. While I didn't gain weight rapidly, it was a vicious cycle to be caught in. I had to actively work to eat a more balanced diet and get back to the WW principles after my 10 weeks of hell, I mean, sickness. To be honest, I did pretty well during my pregnancy. And, the short amount of time I was able to nurse allowed me to lose 99% of the weight I gained during that time. But here I am again, back where I started nearly one year ago. And I am sick of it.

So, off to boot camp I went early yesterday morning. I was up and ready to go at 4:45am - class starts at 5:30. I was energized! I was ready to get my sweat on and burn some fat. And that I did. In fact, I nearly puked. I am THAT out of shape. But, today, I feel awesome. I feel that healthy soreness you have when you're using muscles that haven't been used in far too long. I am looking forward to tomorrow even with the 4:45 wake up time! I know this is good for me and I am excited to shed pounds and get fit once again. I may never be a size 6 again in my life, but that's not important - being healthy is!

In addition, I am following both the WW meal plan and the meal plan suggested by the boot camp director. I am alternating weeks, so I don't get bored. Both simply promote a healthier way of eating - one that can and should last you a lifetime. I fully intend to follow the 80/20 principle once I get into my groove. The 80/20 principle states that 80% of the time, you're eating how you're supposed to eat, so that the other 20%, you can enjoy more indulgent foods. It's too soon to tell how the eating portion is working for me, but I rarely feel hungry and I am eating properly sized meals. It's all about balancing the food groups, and eating protein and fiber.

So, can I count on you to hold me accountable? I need all the help I can get!

(if you're local and interested - here is the boot camp website: http://www.mibootcamps.com/)

A Birth Story

Disclaimer - While I am on a roll with the blog posts, I figured I should finally share Emmett's birth story. If you don't like these types of stories, please feel free to skip this post! Also, I am a firm believer in epidurals and the medical establishment. So, if you don't agree with either, you may want to skip this as well... ;)

My body tried to go into labor for 3 days, starting Sunday night. I had a Dr's appt on Monday, and when my Dr. examined me, he told me I was 90% effaced and 3cm dilated. He figured I would go into labor overnight or on Tuesday some time, and he was on call, so I was excited (he was the same one who delivered Drew). My blood pressure was a little elevated, so he wanted me to make an appointment for Wednesday, just in case I didn't go into labor, to have my b.p. checked. Tuesday came and went, and brought with it more contractions, but nothing happened. I kept contracting on and off until my appointment on Wednesday afternoon. This appointment was with my second favorite doctor in the practice, my b.p. was fine, and when she checked me I was 4cm dilated and 100% effaced. She asked if I wanted her to strip my membranes and I told her "YES." So, she did (and this time it was painless) and sent me on my way. When I had this happen with Drew, I went into labor overnight - so I thought it would be hours before labor really kicked in.

I was wrong.

My appointment had been at 2:30 and by 3:30, I started contracting. By 4:30, they were consistently coming every 5-6 minutes and by 6:00, I was at the hospital. Now, any expectant mother will tell you that you do not want to be sent home from the hospital and be told it is "false labor," and for whatever reason, I was worried about that. I knew I was in labor, but I was still worried. I was admitted to triage and assessed - and was now 5cm dilated. There was no question that I was being admitted. I got to my room relatively quickly and received my epidural and IV. Then, they broke my water - and I nearly passed out. Emmett didn't like it either and his heart rate plummeted. I was turned on my left and given oxygen and we both rebounded. I thought the scary part was over.

I was wrong.

I went quickly from a 6 when they broke my water to a 10. My epidural wasn't working well, so instead of just pressure, I felt everything. I pushed for awhile and was told he was posterior, or facing up. "Crap!" I thought. This was the same position Drew was in, but they were able to turn him. It was very clear that Emmett would not be so easy to turn. So, after pushing for awhile, it was obvious he wasn't descending any further. I was miserable and felt stuck. They gave me the option to increase my epi and turn me on my left side to encourage him to move. I agreed. They increased the epi, turned me on my left side and propped me up with a ton of pillows. I was told this would last an hour and when I was consistently feeling pressure again to let them know. Twenty minutes later, I was feeling everything. So, I started pushing again - and guess what? Emmett was still posterior. I pushed for a bit and they told me they could try the vacuum to get him out as nothing else was working. I was hesitant, but agreed in the end.

It didn't work.

So, there I was, being prepped for what was quickly becoming an emergency c-section. They shot a bolus in my epi, gave me some nasty tasting stuff to calm my stomach acid, and wheeled me down the hall. I felt everything and screamed the entire trip to the OR. By this point, I had lost control and just screamed with every contraction. In the O.R, and without Bill, they prepped me for surgery. I was thrashing around so much they were afraid I was going to fall off the skinny table. And they soon realized I was feeling WAY more than I should be and was able to move when I shouldn't have been. SO, in rushes another anesthesiologist to take out my epi and put in another spinal. Talk about fun. Finally everything started to kick in, they began the c-section and Bill was able to join me.

The c-section was definitely an interesting experience. From all of the A Baby Story episodes I've seen in my lifetime, I knew you would feel pressure and tugging, but I had no idea you would feel like you were being jackhammered on the table. I was asked if I wanted to see Emmett being born, and of course I said yes, so they held a mirror over my belly and I watched him come into the world. And I cried. I cried with relief and out of love for him. I cried because, unlike Drew, I wasn't the first person to cradle him in my arms. I cried because he was very far away from me, and like Drew, had the quietest cry, so I could barely hear him. For some reason, Bill wasn't allowed to go over to him, so I had him stand up to keep an eye on Emmett and let me know how he was doing. I was convinced something was wrong, but he was fine - thank God. Soon they brought him to us, and Bill held him right up to my face so I could snuggle up with him. In recovery, I was finally able to hold him, and nurse him, and we started to bond.

So, there you have it. Apparently, I have really exciting birth stories. No boring entrances into the world for my little ones. They are making their presence known from the beginning.

I'm Just Going to Say It ...

Breast was NOT best for Emmett.

Now, before you all start flaming me, hear me out -

I am NOT saying breast isn't best - in general - if all the stars align, your baby latches without issue, you produce enough to satisfy said child, you have an incredibly patient older child who doesn't mind having next to no time with Mommy, you don't need time to yourself now and again and your child's system doesn't reject your breast milk. I think women who exclusively breastfeed are amazing - mainly because I can't wrap my head around how this actually works out for some when it hasn't for me - twice.

If you had asked me about breastfeeding before I had Drew, I wouldn't have thought twice about my answer. Of course I was going to breastfeed! I mean, who doesn't? Why would you deny your child the best food you could give him or her? Really, why WOULDN'T you do it? It is natural after all; it's what God intended our breasts to be used for.

And then I actually gave birth...

And had a child who couldn't nurse.

I experienced the stress of not getting the support I needed, of my supply going to hell, and all of the emotional trauma that comes with things not working out the way you thought they should - or would - and then being flamed by others who didn't get WHY you weren't breastfeeding, no matter how you explained the situation. I learned to never judge another mother, including a mother who simply does not WANT to breastfeed, because we all do what is best for our babies - and yes, that includes giving them formula.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with Emmett. Absolutely I was going to try again. I was praying about breastfeeding. "Please God, just let me be able to nurse this baby." And I was. And it was magical. But, it wasn't enough. We had many nights that first week home where he screamed for hours on end, unless he was suckling, because I wasn't producing enough. He only wanted me, and I was recovering from a c-section, so I was sore, exhausted and emotional. I was afraid of falling into the same pit of despair known as Postpartum Depression/Anxiety that I fell into after having Drew. So, we supplemented. And Emmett slept. And all was right with the world. Then, a few weeks later, he started having issues. He would scream and kick and clutch at me, Bill, anyone who was holding him about an hour after his meal had ended. He wouldn't nap. He was sleeping for crap again at night. He couldn't relax. He felt like total sh&t and it was obvious. I cut things out of my diet - and nothing. I switched his formula feedings to Similac Sensitive and he was a new baby after those feedings. Then, I would nurse him and the screaming would happen all over again. And so I made a decision - I decided to wean him completely. I needed to cut dairy completely out of my diet, and it hides in everything, so that was impossible. To me, at least. Maybe that makes me a bad mom in some people's eyes. I really don't care. I made a decision that was best for my baby, myself, and my family.

So there you have it moms struggling with the same issue. It is OK to go to formula full time. It is NOT the devil, it is NOT poison. It was created for a reason. Was it a cure-all to switch to formula feeding 100% of the time? Nope. We ended up switching bottles, giving gripe water, putting him on zantac and going from powdered formula to liquid concentrate in a desperate attempt to help Emmett not suffer after his meals. I think, THINK, we have found a system that works for him. Now if we could only solve our car seat dilemma ...

It Won't Be Like This For Long (Version 2.0)

This was the title of one of my first posts on my blog when Drew was a baby. It was my way of reminding myself that, one day, he was going to be all grown up ... and that the struggles of getting him to sleep through the night, etc, would be but a moment in time. Just like the song says. And that I would miss it - even if that was hard to imagine at the time. Well, guess what? I miss it. I miss Drew being a baby, a young toddler, and all the hugs and cuddles I used to get. As hard as it was to be up all the time, I miss those special moments in the middle of the night with him. Mainly I miss it because I get glimpses of the struggles that are to come, daily, and I long for a simpler time when he thought I hung the moon and didn't seek to defy me at every turn (don't we all!). I find it hard to embrace some of the behaviors he exhibits, or that it's me he chooses to challenge all the time, and that I've lost my cuddly little man to his father. Don't get me wrong, he still loves me and wants me to play with him - but it's reality that I am the one home with him, thus he knows I am there for him (and I discipline him more) and therefore I am the one he does battle with. I miss my sweet little baby, with the dimpled grin, who would seek me out above all others.

I have that with Emmett now, and I am trying to soak it up. But, I will be honest - I have hit my wall with middle of the night feedings and am looking forward to him sleeping until 5:00 or 6:00 consistently. I have to remind myself when his immature digestive system wreaks havoc on him, and my normally happy baby is crabby, or my good sleeper has a million wake ups during the night, that all too soon he will learn the word "no" and discover that Daddy is WAY more fun than Mommy - and I will miss these special days of being his world. For now, I am trying to slow down and enjoy watching him discover his world. To keep the night quiet and dark, but smile back at him when he flashes a grin at me during a diaper change or feeding at 4am. To hold him close to me, because he won't push me away, and take in every moment I have with him. Far too soon, he'll be off with Drew and Daddy, and Mommy will be old news ...

Blessings and Tough Decisions

Wow, it's been a very long time since I last wrote. I am not sure how I keep getting out of the habit of blogging, but I do. Since I last wrote, some important things have happened ...

On March 9th we welcomed our beautiful little blessing, Emmett Francis, into the world (that's him above this post; isn't he gorgeous?!). He entered the outside world at 11:40pm via c-section, as he just wasn't descending. Emmett weighed 9lbs 4oz and was 21 inches long and at nearly 8 weeks, he is now closing in on 12lbs and is nearly 23 inches. Yes, he's a big boy! But, he's long and lean and you would never know how much he weighs. He is a sweet boy, who has an easygoing personality most of the time. Unlike his big brother, however, he has definite opinions of things at this young age and isn't afraid to let you know what those opinions are! ;) Poor little man suffered from some major gastric issues for a bit, but we think we have them solved now (hopefully anyway!). He is a wonderful addition to our family and Drew has been an amazing big brother to him. Drew just loves Emmett to pieces! We are also pleased to say that Emmett is completely heart healthy. God is good and we are in love.

I have a bit of sad news to report, however. The board of our local chapter of It's My Heart decided to disaffiliate from national IMH. Due to some changes, we just didn't feel that we would be able to carry out our local mission and serve our local community the way we wanted to any longer. So, with heavy hearts, we made this decision. We definitely miss being of service in a tangible way to the local CHD community, but we all remain committed to fighting CHD and raising awareness in our own ways. And who knows, maybe one day we'll collaborate on something else! In the meantime, I am happy to say I have made some wonderful friends and those friendships continue. For that, I am very thankful.

So, I hope I will actually keep up with this. I am planning on returning to sewing and scrapbooking, two things I really got away from during my pregnancy for whatever reasons (read all day sickness for 12 weeks), and want to post the projects on here. Drew will be turning 3 very soon, a blessing for sure. Every day we are reminded how blessed our family is when we see his smiling face and discipline his mischievious self. ;) We are very busy with summer plans, including Drew's upcoming birthday party, Emmett's baptism and my dear friend Karyn's wedding. I am hopeful that we will enjoy good weather and plenty of time outdoors during our all too short summer season. I am looking forward to long walks, playing outside with the boys, Zoo concerts and just being outside at dusk - my favorite time of the day in summer. C'mon summer!!