After months and months of cursing my Auntie when she arrived, she has apparently taken the hint that I don't want her here. Unfortunately, she didn't take the hint that I wanted her to disappear because I was pregnant. She is just on vacation. Maybe she decided to start celebrating the holidays early this year and booked herself a trip to Hawaii. Can't say I would blame her, I guess.
So, I am currently on CD 48. I have peed on several sticks and all have resulted in a glaringly obvious BFN.
(Sidebar, I have decided to write the HPT companies to let them know that they need to create an HPT specificly for the infertile. It would be sold in bulk - like 100 tests per box - and instead of a digital "Not Pregnant" staring back at you, they should come up with some interesting and amusing messages to let us know that, once again, it did not happen. For instance, one could say "Have yourself a big glass of wine" or "Your husband would have better luck getting a positive by peeing on this stick." Or maybe "Just how much money have you wasted on HPTs now?" Or "Stock up on the Mydol, AF is a coming!" Anything besides that missing second line or that damned Not Pregnant. Your ideas can be submitted to me if you would like to add to the list of possibilities...)
Anyway, the RE's office says to give it a few more days and test again (out of tests, add another $15 to my tally of amount wasted on HPTs). They suggested that if that was negative, I should come in for some bloodwork and they could start me on progesterone. Grand.
Also - just in case you want to know my theories of why AF is absent?
My first theory is that she is waiting to show up while we are traveling to visit Derek's family up north for Christmas.
The second theory I have (and my personal favorite) is that I think my uterus is on strike. She has decided that since I am not capable of conceiving a child, it is just a waste of her time and energy to fluff up that lining only to abandon it every SINGLE month. And I can't say I blame her.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Why, Oh Why, Do I Do This To Myself???
AF is late. I had some spotting mid week last week and was sure she was about to arrive, but she never showed. And although I know that it is absolutely ridiculous for me to even THINK that there is a chance that we could have gotten pregnant this month, that is exactly what I found myslef thinking this weekend. Funny enough, Derek asked me if she had arrived, I answered No, and he responded with "Wouldn't it be funny if after all of this we got pregnant this month?" Yup. That would be pretty darned funny. Especially since we didn't really try at all this month. We didn't prevent, but there was no temping, no OPKing, no U/S to look at folicles, no shots in the stomach, no pills to make me grow more follies, no meds to grow my uterine lining...you get the picture. Wouldn't it be freakin' hilarious if "Aunt Jane" was right and all we had to do was relax???
I actually spent some time contemplating if our faint HCG numbers last month at 8.8 that had fallen to 3 had somehow miraculously turned around and gone back up. A highly unlikely explanation, I assure you (and probably not a single recorded case in history) but the thought still crossed my mind. Especially since that would make more sense than us getting pregnant on our own without medical assistance.
Regardless, I have been a little concerned about it. I have been on a self imposed hiatus from prenatal vitamins since the last beta. To be honest, I haven't even been taking a multivitamin with much regularity this month. And on top of that, I have not held back from partaking in several alcoholic beverages. I haven't been staggering drunk by any means, but red wine and I have been good friends the last 4 weeks.
But she hasn't shown up yet. And I felt a bit queasy most of the day. It was like deja vu - boob grabbing and all (not sore BTW). So, just a few minutes before I began this post, I completed the familar task of peeing on a stick. It was a cheap Dol.lar.Store test but it was all I had in the house. So I went for it. Of course, it was a BFN. I expected no more than 1 line to show up.
The reason I am posting about this is that, strangely enough, even with all we have been through and knowing that there is really not a chance for us to conceive, after all this time and all of the disappointment that we have been through, there I was again - hoping. I wonder if it will ever REALLY go away. Will there come a time (when we are sitting around with our adopted child/children) and AF is late and I don't spend half of the day thinking about whether or not I might be FINALLY be pregnant???
I hope that day comes. But even if it doesn't? I would settle for wondering about it while sitting around with my future children...
I guess I will give it a couple more days to see if she shows up before I contemplate the possibility anymore. I will probably be a good girl and take my vitamins and stay away from the wine for the next couple of days, just in case, though.
I actually spent some time contemplating if our faint HCG numbers last month at 8.8 that had fallen to 3 had somehow miraculously turned around and gone back up. A highly unlikely explanation, I assure you (and probably not a single recorded case in history) but the thought still crossed my mind. Especially since that would make more sense than us getting pregnant on our own without medical assistance.
Regardless, I have been a little concerned about it. I have been on a self imposed hiatus from prenatal vitamins since the last beta. To be honest, I haven't even been taking a multivitamin with much regularity this month. And on top of that, I have not held back from partaking in several alcoholic beverages. I haven't been staggering drunk by any means, but red wine and I have been good friends the last 4 weeks.
But she hasn't shown up yet. And I felt a bit queasy most of the day. It was like deja vu - boob grabbing and all (not sore BTW). So, just a few minutes before I began this post, I completed the familar task of peeing on a stick. It was a cheap Dol.lar.Store test but it was all I had in the house. So I went for it. Of course, it was a BFN. I expected no more than 1 line to show up.
The reason I am posting about this is that, strangely enough, even with all we have been through and knowing that there is really not a chance for us to conceive, after all this time and all of the disappointment that we have been through, there I was again - hoping. I wonder if it will ever REALLY go away. Will there come a time (when we are sitting around with our adopted child/children) and AF is late and I don't spend half of the day thinking about whether or not I might be FINALLY be pregnant???
I hope that day comes. But even if it doesn't? I would settle for wondering about it while sitting around with my future children...
I guess I will give it a couple more days to see if she shows up before I contemplate the possibility anymore. I will probably be a good girl and take my vitamins and stay away from the wine for the next couple of days, just in case, though.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Another 3,001 Factors in the Great Debate
Well, after a friend of mine announced her pregnancy today (UGH - I am not going to go into how I feel about THAT one), I determined that it was time to make the phone call to the Donor Embryo place to get answers to some of our questions.
The good news is that I did find out some answers. The bad news is that I am not entirely happy with what I found out.
Firstly, the 6 months to a year time frame quoted in my first call to them months ago was a little off. The actual time frame is at least 10 months. Possibly longer. Yup. Great news. And there is nothing that I could be working on right now. It is all on THEIR time frame. That is so WONDERFUL since I am known for my patience. Umm, right.
The even BETTER news? They have added a new fee to their plethera of existing fees. The original stated cost was somewhere between 5,000 and 7,000. There were additional possible costs of about 2,000 for STD testing and fees passed on from the donor couple to the recipient couple. And that doesn't include the medications or the visits to a local RE for monitoring during the cycle. The new fee is 3,000 for councelling for both the donor and the receipient couples. 3,000 worth of counselling? I mean, how many f-ing sessions is THAT??? Like 15 per couple???
But back to my original train of thought here. That gets us up to 8,000 to 10,000 just at the base cost. Possibly 10,000 to 12,000. And then add in the meds and the additional clinic costs for the cycle monitoring. PER ATTEMPT.
I know that the financial implications shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in how we grow our family. I KNOW THIS. But, in making this decision, we also have to evaluate how this will effect us financially if it doesn't work and we needed to move on to Plan Z (aka Adoption).
And, really, if the donor embryo route will be possibly 12,000 - and comparitively, adoption would be 15,000 or more, wouldn't it make more sense (financially) to spend the extra 3,000 or so and actually take home a baby?
Crap. Does anyone have a paper bag I can borrow? I think I need to breathe into it...
The good news is that I did find out some answers. The bad news is that I am not entirely happy with what I found out.
Firstly, the 6 months to a year time frame quoted in my first call to them months ago was a little off. The actual time frame is at least 10 months. Possibly longer. Yup. Great news. And there is nothing that I could be working on right now. It is all on THEIR time frame. That is so WONDERFUL since I am known for my patience. Umm, right.
The even BETTER news? They have added a new fee to their plethera of existing fees. The original stated cost was somewhere between 5,000 and 7,000. There were additional possible costs of about 2,000 for STD testing and fees passed on from the donor couple to the recipient couple. And that doesn't include the medications or the visits to a local RE for monitoring during the cycle. The new fee is 3,000 for councelling for both the donor and the receipient couples. 3,000 worth of counselling? I mean, how many f-ing sessions is THAT??? Like 15 per couple???
But back to my original train of thought here. That gets us up to 8,000 to 10,000 just at the base cost. Possibly 10,000 to 12,000. And then add in the meds and the additional clinic costs for the cycle monitoring. PER ATTEMPT.
I know that the financial implications shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in how we grow our family. I KNOW THIS. But, in making this decision, we also have to evaluate how this will effect us financially if it doesn't work and we needed to move on to Plan Z (aka Adoption).
And, really, if the donor embryo route will be possibly 12,000 - and comparitively, adoption would be 15,000 or more, wouldn't it make more sense (financially) to spend the extra 3,000 or so and actually take home a baby?
Crap. Does anyone have a paper bag I can borrow? I think I need to breathe into it...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Great Debate - Donor Embryos Vs. Adoption
Sigh. So many things to consider in the Donor Embryos Vs. Adoption debate.
So we sat down last weekend and had a heart to heart. I haven't posted about it up until now (over a week later) because I have been taking time to process it all.
After much discussion, Derek's take on the subject was that he would prefer to try donor embryos first but would support me if I wanted to skip forward to adoption.
He left it in my hands.
So, for those of you who don't "know" me, making decisions is NOT my strong suit. I am terrible at it. I can go round and round in circles forhours days weeks and still not have a definitive decision. This creates much strife for me because I also do much better when I have a plan. So you can see the dillema here, can't you???
If you could have been inside my head over the last couple of weeks, you would have heard something similar to the following:
My current stance is that if I am still holding on so tightly to my desire to carry a child AND since that is Derek's preference, that I should just make the decision of donor embryos. I think I am to a point now that I can say that is our next step in my head and I don't feel an overwhelming sense of panic. Most of the time, anyway.
I think I will call the Donor Embryo place to ask some questions and fill out the application. Hopefully between those two actions, I will know if this is the right choice...
So we sat down last weekend and had a heart to heart. I haven't posted about it up until now (over a week later) because I have been taking time to process it all.
After much discussion, Derek's take on the subject was that he would prefer to try donor embryos first but would support me if I wanted to skip forward to adoption.
He left it in my hands.
So, for those of you who don't "know" me, making decisions is NOT my strong suit. I am terrible at it. I can go round and round in circles for
If you could have been inside my head over the last couple of weeks, you would have heard something similar to the following:
Hmmm. Maybe we should just adopt. It is pretty much a sure thing. Fill out some papers - I can do that. Bide our time - OK, so I am not the most patient person in the world, but we are already 4 1/2 years into this now and still no baby - I think I can stick it out for a few months. Throw some cash at it - we have some money in savings. Take home a baby. Sounds like a PLAN. But wait - I know that Derek says that he will go with what I want to do, but if he isn't 100% ready for adoption, would he resent ME for making this decision? Or even worse, would he resent this baby because of a decision I made???
And really, even though I would prefer for someone to just hand me the prize, am I ready to give up on carrying a child, even if it isn't genetically related to me? I mean - I have always wanted to have that experience of the first ultrasound where you see the sac, hear the heartbeat for the first time, watch my baby grow, rub my swollen belly, feel my baby move inside me for the first time, watch Derek rub my stomach and see his excitement when he feels our child moving inside me for the first time. Granted, labor is something I wouldn't mind missing - but that moment where they lie that newborn all nasty on your chest...I don't know if I want to give that up!!!
So donor embryos then. After all, in our original "what if IVF doesn't work" plan, that was THE PLAN. Donor embryos was the next step. I should call and ask some more questions, fill out the application, and send in our money. I can call and schedule our home visit and get that taken care of. And when we had a transfer of a blastocyst I did get slightly pregnant, so maybe our chances are good.
But what if it doesn't work? What if we go through the everything required and put in the time and money and hormones and shots and effort of this process and then end up with a (still) emtpy uterus? The wait is between 6 months to a year! So a year from now, we could be right back where we are now! Maybe I should just save us the time, money and the heartache and decide adoption...So as you can see, a decision has been eluding me and I am pretty much dizzy from turning in circles...and I have had a couple of panic attacks.
My current stance is that if I am still holding on so tightly to my desire to carry a child AND since that is Derek's preference, that I should just make the decision of donor embryos. I think I am to a point now that I can say that is our next step in my head and I don't feel an overwhelming sense of panic. Most of the time, anyway.
I think I will call the Donor Embryo place to ask some questions and fill out the application. Hopefully between those two actions, I will know if this is the right choice...
Friday, November 13, 2009
Holy Moly, AF is a B-IATCH
To start off - I need to thank anyone who returned to this blog after reading my last post. I promise I am normally more level headed than that.
And thank you for the lovely comments. I know that I am allowed to be angry and I know I am allowed to focus on a minute detail if that is all I can focus on. I think my biggest problem was the fact that I had this overwhelming feeling that I was a baby killer. I also know that my uterus has not been proven to be defective and that I should not think that way - but I was just a bit freaked out. Freak out moment over, I promise.
As far as my sanity is concerned, I think it is coming back around. Derek and I still have some talking to do. I always feel better about things when I have a plan and the lack of a definite plan was not helping. We still aren't set on a plan, but I have been moving towards figuring out a plan, and that helps.
I have been contacting the people I know who have adopted to find out more about their stories. I am scheduling dinner with one of the couples so that we can talk with them. We have discussed that we will be possibly talking to an adoption specialist to learn all the details about both international and domestic adoptions. And, we will be making some calls to the donor embryo place to learn all of the details of that type of transaction. Hopefully, knowledge will be one of the keys to making a decision.
Oh, and I made a decision about my tag line...
********************
On to the reason for this actual post. AF has arrived. With a vengence. This next section might get a bit graphic, but I will try to keep it as nice as possible considering the subject matter.
After going through 2 failed IVF cycles, I thought I knew what to expect when the bitch showed up. Boy was I wrong.
I awoke Thursday morning at 2 a.m. with some pretty nice cramps. I got up to check and found that AF had graced me with her presence. I took care of the necessary arrangements and went back to bed. Or so I thought. The cramping intensified greatly. I began to hurt all the way through to my back and started having quite a bit of pressure down below. I kept going to the bathroom thinking that a BM was necessary. Diarrhea arrived. The flow of AF was VERY clotty, even more so than my first miscarriage or IVF cycle. The pain got to the point that I was nauseous. I finally took a pain pill (left over from the egg retrieval), grabbed the heating pad, and laid back down. At around 6:30 in the morning, I was sitting on the toilet and puking into the trashcan. I was seriously concerned that something inside had ruptured or something and I was considering a trip to the ER. We finally got in touch with the RE's office. The nurse informed me that this was NORMAL.
WTF???
She actually made it sound like some women go through this EVERY month. Bless their hearts if they do. I explained to her that I normally had pretty strong cramps and that my miscarriage was nothing in comparrison to this pain. She then informed me that since I did have HCG in my system, that this WAS a miscarriage and that it would be painful. (Thanks for the heads up BEFORE AF showed...)
Anyway, as you all know by now, I survived. Today was not nearly as bad. And, just so you all know - Derek was SO sweet. He stayed home with me until he was sure that the pain was at a tolerable level and took care of me. I really am so happy to have him as a husband.
********************
Also - I am not sure of how one should actually answer a question from a comment - I was afraid to answer in the comments for fear that she wouldn't see the answer. So please forgive me if this is an inappropriate...
Tina - in answer to your question, we don't know where our fragmentation comes from. We had insurance infertility coverage for a certain dollar amount and it did not cover any treatments where donors were used. We determined we would exhaust our coverage with our own goods and see where we ended up. After looking at the financial implications of donor services (i.e. donor eggs or IVF with donor sperm), we determined that donor embryos or adoption would be our next step.
And thank you for the lovely comments. I know that I am allowed to be angry and I know I am allowed to focus on a minute detail if that is all I can focus on. I think my biggest problem was the fact that I had this overwhelming feeling that I was a baby killer. I also know that my uterus has not been proven to be defective and that I should not think that way - but I was just a bit freaked out. Freak out moment over, I promise.
As far as my sanity is concerned, I think it is coming back around. Derek and I still have some talking to do. I always feel better about things when I have a plan and the lack of a definite plan was not helping. We still aren't set on a plan, but I have been moving towards figuring out a plan, and that helps.
I have been contacting the people I know who have adopted to find out more about their stories. I am scheduling dinner with one of the couples so that we can talk with them. We have discussed that we will be possibly talking to an adoption specialist to learn all the details about both international and domestic adoptions. And, we will be making some calls to the donor embryo place to learn all of the details of that type of transaction. Hopefully, knowledge will be one of the keys to making a decision.
Oh, and I made a decision about my tag line...
********************
On to the reason for this actual post. AF has arrived. With a vengence. This next section might get a bit graphic, but I will try to keep it as nice as possible considering the subject matter.
After going through 2 failed IVF cycles, I thought I knew what to expect when the bitch showed up. Boy was I wrong.
I awoke Thursday morning at 2 a.m. with some pretty nice cramps. I got up to check and found that AF had graced me with her presence. I took care of the necessary arrangements and went back to bed. Or so I thought. The cramping intensified greatly. I began to hurt all the way through to my back and started having quite a bit of pressure down below. I kept going to the bathroom thinking that a BM was necessary. Diarrhea arrived. The flow of AF was VERY clotty, even more so than my first miscarriage or IVF cycle. The pain got to the point that I was nauseous. I finally took a pain pill (left over from the egg retrieval), grabbed the heating pad, and laid back down. At around 6:30 in the morning, I was sitting on the toilet and puking into the trashcan. I was seriously concerned that something inside had ruptured or something and I was considering a trip to the ER. We finally got in touch with the RE's office. The nurse informed me that this was NORMAL.
WTF???
She actually made it sound like some women go through this EVERY month. Bless their hearts if they do. I explained to her that I normally had pretty strong cramps and that my miscarriage was nothing in comparrison to this pain. She then informed me that since I did have HCG in my system, that this WAS a miscarriage and that it would be painful. (Thanks for the heads up BEFORE AF showed...)
Anyway, as you all know by now, I survived. Today was not nearly as bad. And, just so you all know - Derek was SO sweet. He stayed home with me until he was sure that the pain was at a tolerable level and took care of me. I really am so happy to have him as a husband.
********************
Also - I am not sure of how one should actually answer a question from a comment - I was afraid to answer in the comments for fear that she wouldn't see the answer. So please forgive me if this is an inappropriate...
Tina - in answer to your question, we don't know where our fragmentation comes from. We had insurance infertility coverage for a certain dollar amount and it did not cover any treatments where donors were used. We determined we would exhaust our coverage with our own goods and see where we ended up. After looking at the financial implications of donor services (i.e. donor eggs or IVF with donor sperm), we determined that donor embryos or adoption would be our next step.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Not Our Miracle
Although I heard the news on Monday afternoon, I am still processing it and dealing with how I feel. The hopeful 8.8 that we heard on Friday had dropped to 3.9 by Monday. The nurse said it was now a negative and I didn't have to return anymore for follow up bloodwork and to stop taking my meds.
I have stopped taking everything. Every time I use the restroom, I expect for AF to be arriving but she hasn't shown her ugly face yet. With every twinge down there, I think about her pending arrival - how when she shows, that thick beautiful lining that I worked so hard to build up will be shedding from the walls of my uterus and bringing with it my precious little embryo that just wasn't strong enough. It won't resemble much and probably won't even be visable in the post-IVF hell that shows after an unsuccessful transfer...
What I really feel like posting about right now is not our future options or how I know I will come out stronger on the other side. What I really feel like posting about is something that is so minute that it shouldn't even be entering my contious thoughts. Really - you will think I am nuts.
What is this trivial item???
My tag line on my the BBC.
As I contemplated the shedding of my uterine lining, I wondered "Does this count as a miscarriage? Should I update my tag line on BBC to 2 Angels?" But the worst part about this is that in this thought pattern, I realized that really, throughout this IVF process, I didn't have just 1 Angel. My total embryos transferred has been 7 which brings my total of known live embryos in my uterus to 8. And there were 18 more that never made it out of the petri dish. Crap. That is a total of 27 known embryos of ours that never stood a chance.
27.
That is a lot of babies that I have been unable to bring into this world safely. I half jokingly told my best friend over lunch that I felt like a baby killer. I know. That is an absolutely TERRIBLE way to look at this situation. Really, someone probably needs to slap some sense into me for having these thoughts.
But I guess what makes me so worried about this number? Why would anyone chose to give me THEIR babies to grow in my uterus if I couldn't get my own to nestle down in there????
Logic tells me that the fragmentation means some sort of genetic anomaly that prevented me from carrying a child of our own to term and that any strong healthy blastocyst would stand a chance. After all, Dr. C told me that my uterus is just fine even though it has it's own anomaly. And logic would also argue that the only blastocyst we transferred at least implanted and gave us an HCG of 8.8.
But that damned emotional/hormonal/irrational side of myself is screaming that I don't stand a chance at carrying a baby so why even bother to try someone else's embryos? Wouldn't I just end up losing them too and having to add them the list of carnage??? It is screaming at me to just give up any hope of ever seeing an ultrasound with my baby in it. It yells to forget about feeling the baby move or kick for the first time. It tells me that I should not even bother about daydreaming about Derek kissing my swollen belly and looking at me in awe as he gets to feel it move for the first time. It whispers that having a nurse hand you your baby all covered in goo after labor is over-rated. It taunts that breastfeeding will never be in my future.
Maybe I should just remove anything about angels from my tag line on the BBC. It makes the decision that much easier. Besides - I think I would have some people un-friend me with a statistic like 27 angel babies in my tag line. Yup. That sounds like a plan.
Shit - I guess I should sign off while I can. I think I see a man with a straight jacket coming for me. And even if he wasn't on his way, some of you that know my home address might be sending him FOR me after reading THIS post.
Oh, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde can eat their heart out. Leave it to a woman with infertility to really go ape-shit nuts! I think I have them beat.
I have stopped taking everything. Every time I use the restroom, I expect for AF to be arriving but she hasn't shown her ugly face yet. With every twinge down there, I think about her pending arrival - how when she shows, that thick beautiful lining that I worked so hard to build up will be shedding from the walls of my uterus and bringing with it my precious little embryo that just wasn't strong enough. It won't resemble much and probably won't even be visable in the post-IVF hell that shows after an unsuccessful transfer...
What I really feel like posting about right now is not our future options or how I know I will come out stronger on the other side. What I really feel like posting about is something that is so minute that it shouldn't even be entering my contious thoughts. Really - you will think I am nuts.
What is this trivial item???
My tag line on my the BBC.
As I contemplated the shedding of my uterine lining, I wondered "Does this count as a miscarriage? Should I update my tag line on BBC to 2 Angels?" But the worst part about this is that in this thought pattern, I realized that really, throughout this IVF process, I didn't have just 1 Angel. My total embryos transferred has been 7 which brings my total of known live embryos in my uterus to 8. And there were 18 more that never made it out of the petri dish. Crap. That is a total of 27 known embryos of ours that never stood a chance.
27.
That is a lot of babies that I have been unable to bring into this world safely. I half jokingly told my best friend over lunch that I felt like a baby killer. I know. That is an absolutely TERRIBLE way to look at this situation. Really, someone probably needs to slap some sense into me for having these thoughts.
But I guess what makes me so worried about this number? Why would anyone chose to give me THEIR babies to grow in my uterus if I couldn't get my own to nestle down in there????
Logic tells me that the fragmentation means some sort of genetic anomaly that prevented me from carrying a child of our own to term and that any strong healthy blastocyst would stand a chance. After all, Dr. C told me that my uterus is just fine even though it has it's own anomaly. And logic would also argue that the only blastocyst we transferred at least implanted and gave us an HCG of 8.8.
But that damned emotional/hormonal/irrational side of myself is screaming that I don't stand a chance at carrying a baby so why even bother to try someone else's embryos? Wouldn't I just end up losing them too and having to add them the list of carnage??? It is screaming at me to just give up any hope of ever seeing an ultrasound with my baby in it. It yells to forget about feeling the baby move or kick for the first time. It tells me that I should not even bother about daydreaming about Derek kissing my swollen belly and looking at me in awe as he gets to feel it move for the first time. It whispers that having a nurse hand you your baby all covered in goo after labor is over-rated. It taunts that breastfeeding will never be in my future.
Maybe I should just remove anything about angels from my tag line on the BBC. It makes the decision that much easier. Besides - I think I would have some people un-friend me with a statistic like 27 angel babies in my tag line. Yup. That sounds like a plan.
Shit - I guess I should sign off while I can. I think I see a man with a straight jacket coming for me. And even if he wasn't on his way, some of you that know my home address might be sending him FOR me after reading THIS post.
Oh, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde can eat their heart out. Leave it to a woman with infertility to really go ape-shit nuts! I think I have them beat.
Friday, November 6, 2009
8.8
That isn't the number of seconds that I stayed on the bull. That was my HCG level from my beta.
The original conversation with the nurse basically said that below 10 was technically a negative and that I should stop all medications and go back next Friday for another beta to make sure everything was gone. I numbly said OK and hung up.
After I had a few minutes to digest this information, I began to wonder - What IF our embryo WAS a procrastinator??? What if it was just late implantation? Wouldn't stopping my meds mean that I was giving up on our little embryo before it had a chance? What if THIS is our miracle?
So I called the nurse back. I asked her if there was ANY chance that this coule be a viable pregnancy. She said the chance was very small. But she did give me the option of continuing to take the medication and going back in on Monday for another beta.
Maybe I am a glutton for punishment, but I am going to keep taking the meds and go back for another beta on Monday.
I just don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying that I didn't do everything possible to make this little embryo have every chance to become our future child...
The original conversation with the nurse basically said that below 10 was technically a negative and that I should stop all medications and go back next Friday for another beta to make sure everything was gone. I numbly said OK and hung up.
After I had a few minutes to digest this information, I began to wonder - What IF our embryo WAS a procrastinator??? What if it was just late implantation? Wouldn't stopping my meds mean that I was giving up on our little embryo before it had a chance? What if THIS is our miracle?
So I called the nurse back. I asked her if there was ANY chance that this coule be a viable pregnancy. She said the chance was very small. But she did give me the option of continuing to take the medication and going back in on Monday for another beta.
Maybe I am a glutton for punishment, but I am going to keep taking the meds and go back for another beta on Monday.
I just don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying that I didn't do everything possible to make this little embryo have every chance to become our future child...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Innermost Thoughts
After my last post, I went to update my BBC friends on the testing. The more I type, the worse I feel. It is almost as if opening up to let the smallest bit of innermost negativity out is like a small leak in the dam that is causing the whole dam to break and the water to come flooding out.
I realized that all of those feelings - you know know the ones - maybe I am a failure at reproducing because I would be a failure at being a mother.
Perhaps instead of mapping out our next options, I should just throw in the towel. Maybe Aunt Karen is right. Maybe I was never meant to raise children.
F.U.C.K.
I realized that all of those feelings - you know know the ones - maybe I am a failure at reproducing because I would be a failure at being a mother.
Perhaps instead of mapping out our next options, I should just throw in the towel. Maybe Aunt Karen is right. Maybe I was never meant to raise children.
F.U.C.K.
My Sources Say No
And the source isn't the Magic 8 Ball.
I took a HPT on Wednesday morning. It was a First Response. And that damned second line is still eluding me. It isn't even faintly there. There isn't even an evap line if you hold it in the sunlight to give me any hope.
After consulting with Dr. Google, I found out that it is one of the most sensitive tests available in drugstores. It detects levels as low as 25. Dr. Google also helped me reason out that a typical pregnancy starts generating HCG around 9 days after fertilization and then levels steadily increase. (I already KNEW this, but had to do the research again anyway.)
What does that mean for us? Well, since fertilization occurred months ago and our embryo was already 5 days old, then implantation should have occurred a couple of days after transfer and should have already been generating HCG. Wednesday would have been 12 days after fertilization. Yup. Unless our embryo is a procrastinator, it doesn't look like the 3rd time will be the charm.
I feel like I am playing in a high stakes poker game and I just went all in with a pair of twos...My hopes of every having a biological child have been pretty much shattered at this point. This freaking sucks. I thought I was ready for this. I thought I was ready to be told "That is it. Throw in the towel. You are a failure at producing offspring." But based on how I am feeling right now, I don't think I was quite as prepared as I thought I was. I am feeling pretty down. Perhaps I should rename my blog to "The Forever Empty Womb".
I know, the fat lady hasn't sung yet. But she is going to come a calling tomorrow afternoon around 2:30.
Derek has been great. He knows I am taking this pretty rough and has been quite sweet. He made a remark that next time, maybe we will get a live one instead of going for a seed. It would be so nice to do SOMETHING that would actually result in a baby.
***SIGH***
I am still holding on to this one little tiny thread of hope (and I mean tiny - more thin and fragile than the tiniest spider's web you have ever seen) and I will be testing again tomorrow morning. Don't hold your breath for me to post tomorrow night. I am expecting to be quite intoxicated.
I took a HPT on Wednesday morning. It was a First Response. And that damned second line is still eluding me. It isn't even faintly there. There isn't even an evap line if you hold it in the sunlight to give me any hope.
After consulting with Dr. Google, I found out that it is one of the most sensitive tests available in drugstores. It detects levels as low as 25. Dr. Google also helped me reason out that a typical pregnancy starts generating HCG around 9 days after fertilization and then levels steadily increase. (I already KNEW this, but had to do the research again anyway.)
What does that mean for us? Well, since fertilization occurred months ago and our embryo was already 5 days old, then implantation should have occurred a couple of days after transfer and should have already been generating HCG. Wednesday would have been 12 days after fertilization. Yup. Unless our embryo is a procrastinator, it doesn't look like the 3rd time will be the charm.
I feel like I am playing in a high stakes poker game and I just went all in with a pair of twos...My hopes of every having a biological child have been pretty much shattered at this point. This freaking sucks. I thought I was ready for this. I thought I was ready to be told "That is it. Throw in the towel. You are a failure at producing offspring." But based on how I am feeling right now, I don't think I was quite as prepared as I thought I was. I am feeling pretty down. Perhaps I should rename my blog to "The Forever Empty Womb".
I know, the fat lady hasn't sung yet. But she is going to come a calling tomorrow afternoon around 2:30.
Derek has been great. He knows I am taking this pretty rough and has been quite sweet. He made a remark that next time, maybe we will get a live one instead of going for a seed. It would be so nice to do SOMETHING that would actually result in a baby.
***SIGH***
I am still holding on to this one little tiny thread of hope (and I mean tiny - more thin and fragile than the tiniest spider's web you have ever seen) and I will be testing again tomorrow morning. Don't hold your breath for me to post tomorrow night. I am expecting to be quite intoxicated.
Monday, November 2, 2009
5DPFET and Counting
So, I know I haven't really been posting. Most of my blog readers are friends from BBC or are really close to me IRL and already know our status. But I felt as if I had to post SOMETHING after the transfer and during the waiting period.
Our little one thawed out perfectly. The transfer was the most relaxing transfer that we have had to date. And after the transfer, we headed to the beach for a few days of relaxation. Just what the doctor ordered!
I don't know if it is because we didn't have fragmentation to worry about this time or if it was all of the praying for peace that I have been doing, but I feel surprisingly calm and positive. That's right. I said POSITIVE. I really feel as if this time, we have a good chance that it worked.
We have had a few "what if it didn't work" conversations to start, but I have quickly ended them with let's see if it worked and then go from there type of statements. Derek has been going along with this quite well.
I bought some tests today for my pre-beta testing. It took me about 15 minutes to pick which tests to buy - I know, I was totally overanalyzing the situation and I freaked out. I mean, it wasn't as if I had never bought a pack of HPTs before! I finally just made a decision and bought the things. Funny thing is that as I type this, I am wondering if I bought the right kind and considering consulting the Google.
Sigh...It was so much easier when I was using up the stock of HPTs under my sink!
Our little one thawed out perfectly. The transfer was the most relaxing transfer that we have had to date. And after the transfer, we headed to the beach for a few days of relaxation. Just what the doctor ordered!
I don't know if it is because we didn't have fragmentation to worry about this time or if it was all of the praying for peace that I have been doing, but I feel surprisingly calm and positive. That's right. I said POSITIVE. I really feel as if this time, we have a good chance that it worked.
We have had a few "what if it didn't work" conversations to start, but I have quickly ended them with let's see if it worked and then go from there type of statements. Derek has been going along with this quite well.
I bought some tests today for my pre-beta testing. It took me about 15 minutes to pick which tests to buy - I know, I was totally overanalyzing the situation and I freaked out. I mean, it wasn't as if I had never bought a pack of HPTs before! I finally just made a decision and bought the things. Funny thing is that as I type this, I am wondering if I bought the right kind and considering consulting the Google.
Sigh...It was so much easier when I was using up the stock of HPTs under my sink!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Back on the Sauce
Well, I am officially back on the sauce and shooting up again...I took my first 10 unit dose of Lupron tonight. 1 down and too many to count to go...Derek and I also started our mandatory antibiotics today. As I typed that, I realized that I didn't give everyone an update on my timeline for the FET.
9/3 - Started Birth Control Pills (And don't you just LOVE breakthrough bleeding???)
9/30 - Start Lupron @ 10 units per day and my first round of antibiotics. Derek starts antibiotics, too.
10/4 - Last Birth Control Pill
10/9 - Baseline Ultrasound. Drop Lupron to 5 units per day, add in 1 baby asprin per day. Take IM (think hip shot) injection of Estrogen
10/12 - Another IM injection of Estrogen
10/16 - Bloodwork Draw. Possible additional IM injection of Estrogen
10/19 - Possible additional IM injection of Estrogen
10/22 - Ultrasound and possible last Lupron injection
10/23 - Begin SECOND round of antibiotics. Begin taking steriod (1 per day for 4 days). Also add Endometrin Vaginal Inserts 2 times per day.
10/28 - Blastocyst Transfer
10/30 - Increase Endometrin Vaginal Insert to 3 times per day.
11/6 - POAS, Beta, world stops turning because I am either PG or our last chance at a biological child has failed, followed by either some private celebration with Derek OR it might include me being in a drunken stupor.
And, there you have it. THE schedule.
I haven't really shared with many people IRL that we are moving forward with our FET or given them any information. Since this attempt will require much less time away from work, I am hoping that I can get away with not sharing a whole lot of details with anyone at work. My best friend knows and our parents know. Other than that, I don't think anyone else knows and I am not planning on telling them.
And, since my hubby is not a fan of shots, I have arranged for my IM injections to be administered at my OB's office. He said if there was anything they could do to let him know, so I called. I am not sure if there will be a charge for this, but I guess even if there is it is worth it. Especially considering the fact that having Derek passed out cold on the kitchen floor isn't included in THE schedule.
In Other News...
I called my PCP today about the lingering temperature. They want to see me tomorrow. I realized AFTER I agreed to the appointment that I failed to mention that I started antibiotics today. Oh well. Hopefully I can at least get a flu shot while I am there so the visit will not be a lost cause.
My day at work today was quite eventful. One of my staff members - a very dear elderly lady - had something funky going on with her lip yesterday afternoon. I did't point it out to her because I thought it was just a cold sore. When she arrived at work today, I got very concerned about her because not only were both of her lips swollen and not moving correctly, her eye was not blinking either. I was afraid that she had suffered a mini-stroke and we finally convinced her to go to the ER. After several hours in the ER, we found out that it was not a stroke - she is suffering from Bell's Palsy. The damage to the facial nerve may or may not repair itself and she may or may not have lost the ability to move 1 side of her face permanantly. The diagnosis was much better than that of a stroke, but still startling and disheartening nonetheless. Please keep her in your thoughts.
9/3 - Started Birth Control Pills (And don't you just LOVE breakthrough bleeding???)
9/30 - Start Lupron @ 10 units per day and my first round of antibiotics. Derek starts antibiotics, too.
10/4 - Last Birth Control Pill
10/9 - Baseline Ultrasound. Drop Lupron to 5 units per day, add in 1 baby asprin per day. Take IM (think hip shot) injection of Estrogen
10/12 - Another IM injection of Estrogen
10/16 - Bloodwork Draw. Possible additional IM injection of Estrogen
10/19 - Possible additional IM injection of Estrogen
10/22 - Ultrasound and possible last Lupron injection
10/23 - Begin SECOND round of antibiotics. Begin taking steriod (1 per day for 4 days). Also add Endometrin Vaginal Inserts 2 times per day.
10/28 - Blastocyst Transfer
10/30 - Increase Endometrin Vaginal Insert to 3 times per day.
11/6 - POAS, Beta, world stops turning because I am either PG or our last chance at a biological child has failed, followed by either some private celebration with Derek OR it might include me being in a drunken stupor.
And, there you have it. THE schedule.
I haven't really shared with many people IRL that we are moving forward with our FET or given them any information. Since this attempt will require much less time away from work, I am hoping that I can get away with not sharing a whole lot of details with anyone at work. My best friend knows and our parents know. Other than that, I don't think anyone else knows and I am not planning on telling them.
And, since my hubby is not a fan of shots, I have arranged for my IM injections to be administered at my OB's office. He said if there was anything they could do to let him know, so I called. I am not sure if there will be a charge for this, but I guess even if there is it is worth it. Especially considering the fact that having Derek passed out cold on the kitchen floor isn't included in THE schedule.
In Other News...
I called my PCP today about the lingering temperature. They want to see me tomorrow. I realized AFTER I agreed to the appointment that I failed to mention that I started antibiotics today. Oh well. Hopefully I can at least get a flu shot while I am there so the visit will not be a lost cause.
My day at work today was quite eventful. One of my staff members - a very dear elderly lady - had something funky going on with her lip yesterday afternoon. I did't point it out to her because I thought it was just a cold sore. When she arrived at work today, I got very concerned about her because not only were both of her lips swollen and not moving correctly, her eye was not blinking either. I was afraid that she had suffered a mini-stroke and we finally convinced her to go to the ER. After several hours in the ER, we found out that it was not a stroke - she is suffering from Bell's Palsy. The damage to the facial nerve may or may not repair itself and she may or may not have lost the ability to move 1 side of her face permanantly. The diagnosis was much better than that of a stroke, but still startling and disheartening nonetheless. Please keep her in your thoughts.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
What's Happening
The last couple of weeks, I haven't been feeling too well. I have been running a low grade fever most days (typically no higher than 99.1) and just feeling plain blah. I have been trying to push through it, but I am finding that after I work all day and then come home and work for a while at home, I don't really have too much energy left over for much else...I think I will call the Dr. tomorrow to see if there is something I should be doing...
I start my injectible meds for our FET tomorrow. Yeah for Lupron. I am hoping that this round I will avoid the headaches, but I am not banking on it. We also start the antibiotics tomorrow as well. But, at least things are moving forward. And that means that it won't be long until our transfer takes place.
I am not sure how I feel about the transfer. I am trying to be hopeful but at the same time, look where hope got me on our first two IVF attempts. I just don't know HOW to feel about it right now.
The diet has still been going pretty well. I am up to a total loss of 9.6 pounds. I wish it was coming off faster, but it is what it is. Derek stopped eating peanut butter and he lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks. Why is it that men can lose weight so much faster???
I guess that is all I feel like updating about right now. I am ready to go to bed. Do you think that 9:15 is too early???
I start my injectible meds for our FET tomorrow. Yeah for Lupron. I am hoping that this round I will avoid the headaches, but I am not banking on it. We also start the antibiotics tomorrow as well. But, at least things are moving forward. And that means that it won't be long until our transfer takes place.
I am not sure how I feel about the transfer. I am trying to be hopeful but at the same time, look where hope got me on our first two IVF attempts. I just don't know HOW to feel about it right now.
The diet has still been going pretty well. I am up to a total loss of 9.6 pounds. I wish it was coming off faster, but it is what it is. Derek stopped eating peanut butter and he lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks. Why is it that men can lose weight so much faster???
I guess that is all I feel like updating about right now. I am ready to go to bed. Do you think that 9:15 is too early???
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Catching Up
I know that anyone checking my blog after tonight will have quite a bit of reading to catch up on. I apologize for being so late on adding some of these and I know there is probably not much of an excuse.
The top 5 best excuses that I can offer are:
I will explain more on item 5 later as I am just too darned tired to blog anymore tonight... Happy reading!
The top 5 best excuses that I can offer are:
- I have been busy having fun and doing things to blog ABOUT
- I was waiting to take some pictures off the camera to type a couple of the posts (and as you read further to "Best Intentions" you will know how THAT went!)
- Eating healthy means spending a great deal of time in the kitchen
- Playing with my new iTouch took up a good bit of time
- Two words. Food Dehydration.
I will explain more on item 5 later as I am just too darned tired to blog anymore tonight... Happy reading!
Weight Loss Update
Although I have been working very hard at it, the weight has not come off as quickly as I would have liked for it to. I know that there have been a couple of events that we have done that has caused my point intake to be higher than it probably should have, but I have tried to watch the upcoming events and save up my flex points for the events where I know it will be difficult to stick to my 22 points per day.
Below is a chart showing my loss per week and overall progress.
Week 1 – Loss of 3.4, Total Loss of 3.4
Week 2 – Loss of 0.8, Total Loss of 4.2
Week 3 – Loss of 2, Total Loss of 6.2
Week 4 – Gain of .2, Total Loss of 6 *
Week 5 - SKIPPED **
*Weigh in was on date that AF arrived and gain was possibly attributed to monthly cycle
**Weigh in was skipped as it was the first day back from vacation. Although we cycled miles and miles, fried seafood and beer are NOT diet friendly items.
I am disappointed that I have not reached my goal of 10 pounds in 4 weeks. However, I am over halfway there, even with my gain on week 4. And, since we have 8 weeks until the transfer, I still have several weeks to achieve that last 4 pounds.
The next scheduled weigh in is on Tuesday. Hopefully my diligence during this last week will have removed any vacation gain.
Below is a chart showing my loss per week and overall progress.
Week 1 – Loss of 3.4, Total Loss of 3.4
Week 2 – Loss of 0.8, Total Loss of 4.2
Week 3 – Loss of 2, Total Loss of 6.2
Week 4 – Gain of .2, Total Loss of 6 *
Week 5 - SKIPPED **
*Weigh in was on date that AF arrived and gain was possibly attributed to monthly cycle
**Weigh in was skipped as it was the first day back from vacation. Although we cycled miles and miles, fried seafood and beer are NOT diet friendly items.
I am disappointed that I have not reached my goal of 10 pounds in 4 weeks. However, I am over halfway there, even with my gain on week 4. And, since we have 8 weeks until the transfer, I still have several weeks to achieve that last 4 pounds.
The next scheduled weigh in is on Tuesday. Hopefully my diligence during this last week will have removed any vacation gain.
Jekyll Island Mini-Vacation
Over Labor Day weekend, we took a little mini-vacation to Jekyll Island. It was a wonderful trip. We rented some bicycles and pedaled all over the island. We spent some time in the ocean, we spent time walking along the beach. We basically just spent time enjoying each other. It was such a relaxing trip! One of my favorite things was visiting the Sea Turtle Center.
We stayed in a not so nice hotel, but it was right on the beach. We took the boys with us (which is often stressful), but our room had a great big window that viewed the ocean and beach.
When we left, the boys behaved themselves quite well. We did catch Dakota sitting on TOP of the table looking out the window and also caught him sleeping inside Derek's suitcase - both of which were quite adorable. We took them for walks on the beach which they both enjoyed. Murfy was really funny on the beach - he apparently got hot and decided the best way to cool himself off was to throw himself down in a semi-bellyflop onto the wet sand and roll around. That little stinker was covered in sand but we were too busy laughing at him to be upset at the mess!
One of the patients at the Sea Turtle Center Infirmary
We stayed in a not so nice hotel, but it was right on the beach. We took the boys with us (which is often stressful), but our room had a great big window that viewed the ocean and beach.
The View from Our Room at Sunrise
When we left, the boys behaved themselves quite well. We did catch Dakota sitting on TOP of the table looking out the window and also caught him sleeping inside Derek's suitcase - both of which were quite adorable. We took them for walks on the beach which they both enjoyed. Murfy was really funny on the beach - he apparently got hot and decided the best way to cool himself off was to throw himself down in a semi-bellyflop onto the wet sand and roll around. That little stinker was covered in sand but we were too busy laughing at him to be upset at the mess!
Here is Dakota asleep in Derek's Suitcase
Sadly, it had to come to an end though, and we had to head back home.
The only upsetting IF moment on the whole trip was seeing a young PGer (probably 18 at the most) who was abou 8 mos along smoking a cigarette.
Winds of Change???
I have already posted about how my prayers have changed in the last weeks. On Sept 3, I felt as if one of my prayers was being answered.
A co-worker & friend of mine who suffered from IF told me of another co-worker who has a high school aged child who is expecting. Please note that this is NOT the same co-worker I posted about a couple of weeks ago. My place of employment has over 700 employees and this is a co-worker whose name I have heard but have never met. Anyway, this girl and her boyfriend are not ready for the responsibilities of parenthood – they are both intelligent kids that got caught in an unfortunate situation. She wants to give the baby up for adoption. As I was talking to my friend about this girl, I began to feel this stir of emotions. She said that she knew that we were coming to the end of our attempts at a biological child and she wanted to pass the information along **JUST** in case we were interested. I told her that I didn’t know if we were ready for that step yet and thanked her for thinking of us. But after I got off the phone with her, the stir of emotions kept swelling up. I found myself in the bathroom crying. Not because I was sad, but because I felt this strong pull towards the situation. And even more importantly, I felt a very strong wave of something that I had lost forever.
Hope.
For the first time in a long time, I felt certain that even if my womb was forever empty, that someday my arms and my heart would be full. It was so strange – I felt this surge of hope rush over me and I felt so calm – but at the time, I also felt scared shitless! I would say that it is probably the same feeling you get when you finally get a positive pregnancy test. And I realized the tears that I was crying were NOT because I was sad. For the first time in as long as I can remember, they were tears of happiness, hope and of feeling like I knew for certain that we would be parents.
Now, I am not saying that THIS child is the child that will fill my heart and my arms.
But I now feel as if I have some direction as to how I truly feel about adoption and I know it is a step that I am emotionally prepared to take. I have worried that I would feel like I missed out on carrying our child – but now I know that I wouldn’t feel that way at all. I would just be so happy to be holding our child, rocking he or she to sleep, making pancakes with it on Sunday mornings, kissing his or her boo boos when they fell down, teaching them to love nature, and giving them all the love we have to give. It wouldn’t matter that I didn’t conceive it or carry it; that child would be our son or our daughter.
And THAT is what I call some forward progress.
A co-worker & friend of mine who suffered from IF told me of another co-worker who has a high school aged child who is expecting. Please note that this is NOT the same co-worker I posted about a couple of weeks ago. My place of employment has over 700 employees and this is a co-worker whose name I have heard but have never met. Anyway, this girl and her boyfriend are not ready for the responsibilities of parenthood – they are both intelligent kids that got caught in an unfortunate situation. She wants to give the baby up for adoption. As I was talking to my friend about this girl, I began to feel this stir of emotions. She said that she knew that we were coming to the end of our attempts at a biological child and she wanted to pass the information along **JUST** in case we were interested. I told her that I didn’t know if we were ready for that step yet and thanked her for thinking of us. But after I got off the phone with her, the stir of emotions kept swelling up. I found myself in the bathroom crying. Not because I was sad, but because I felt this strong pull towards the situation. And even more importantly, I felt a very strong wave of something that I had lost forever.
Hope.
For the first time in a long time, I felt certain that even if my womb was forever empty, that someday my arms and my heart would be full. It was so strange – I felt this surge of hope rush over me and I felt so calm – but at the time, I also felt scared shitless! I would say that it is probably the same feeling you get when you finally get a positive pregnancy test. And I realized the tears that I was crying were NOT because I was sad. For the first time in as long as I can remember, they were tears of happiness, hope and of feeling like I knew for certain that we would be parents.
Now, I am not saying that THIS child is the child that will fill my heart and my arms.
But I now feel as if I have some direction as to how I truly feel about adoption and I know it is a step that I am emotionally prepared to take. I have worried that I would feel like I missed out on carrying our child – but now I know that I wouldn’t feel that way at all. I would just be so happy to be holding our child, rocking he or she to sleep, making pancakes with it on Sunday mornings, kissing his or her boo boos when they fell down, teaching them to love nature, and giving them all the love we have to give. It wouldn’t matter that I didn’t conceive it or carry it; that child would be our son or our daughter.
And THAT is what I call some forward progress.
FET Scheduled
So, AF has blessed me with her presence again. She arrived on September 1 - a tad bit early. My first thought was - GREAT! Let's get the ball rolling!
I called the clinic to schedule our FET. And, as it usually does for us, there is a glitch already. My cycle has fallen to put us right in between schedule times for FETs. So, I get to be on BC a little longer than originally planned. That will mean that instead of the FET cycle taking 6 weeks until transfer, it will be taking us about 8 weeks. So that is that. I got our official schedule from the clinic and found out that although I am not having a retrieval, Derek and I are both supposed to do antibiotics again. CRAP. And I get to be good friends with Lupron headaches again. Luckily, our IVF nurse (Joyce) was kind enough to say she would order me the weaker of the antibiotics (since the first type of antibiotics and my stomach did not get along). She also said that since the Lupron gave me headaches, my cycle would be the 10 days of Lupron vs. the 12 possible days. Basically, we are on a roll.
The FET is scheduled for October 28th. As long as everything goes well and our little frostie survives the big thaw, we should know on Friday November 6th if our last attempt at our own biological child has succeeded. Stay tuned!
I called the clinic to schedule our FET. And, as it usually does for us, there is a glitch already. My cycle has fallen to put us right in between schedule times for FETs. So, I get to be on BC a little longer than originally planned. That will mean that instead of the FET cycle taking 6 weeks until transfer, it will be taking us about 8 weeks. So that is that. I got our official schedule from the clinic and found out that although I am not having a retrieval, Derek and I are both supposed to do antibiotics again. CRAP. And I get to be good friends with Lupron headaches again. Luckily, our IVF nurse (Joyce) was kind enough to say she would order me the weaker of the antibiotics (since the first type of antibiotics and my stomach did not get along). She also said that since the Lupron gave me headaches, my cycle would be the 10 days of Lupron vs. the 12 possible days. Basically, we are on a roll.
The FET is scheduled for October 28th. As long as everything goes well and our little frostie survives the big thaw, we should know on Friday November 6th if our last attempt at our own biological child has succeeded. Stay tuned!
Jamie's Visit
Prior to August 20 of 2009, I could honestly say that I had never actually MET anyone from online in person. But I cannot say that anymore. My friend, Jamie (from my TTC for a long time group on Babycenter), came to visit me.
Before she came, I listened to horror stories from co-workers and friends about someone they knew who had met this person online and then agreed to meet them in person and she was pregnant and this person cut her baby out of her belly and killed the woman. I laughed to myself and thought 1)She and I have shared some really intimate thoughts with each other online and 2)I am not pregnant and neither is she and 3)If there was a pregnant 3rd party woman involved in the picture, we might be working together to acheive a common goal here...(Just kidding on that 3rd one!)
I admit, I was afraid of how it would go - I mean, typical friends evolve from you do something together, you grow closer. Not you know all of this really deep stuff about each other and THEN you meet...
But I had absolutely NOTHING to worry about. When we met each other, it was like hanging out with an old friend. We laughed, we cried, we talked, we drank wine, we stayed up late and watched TV - it was such a wonderful visit. And it was so nice to finally be able to give each other a big supportive hug IRL instead of just typing ((HUGS))!
Before she came, I listened to horror stories from co-workers and friends about someone they knew who had met this person online and then agreed to meet them in person and she was pregnant and this person cut her baby out of her belly and killed the woman. I laughed to myself and thought 1)She and I have shared some really intimate thoughts with each other online and 2)I am not pregnant and neither is she and 3)If there was a pregnant 3rd party woman involved in the picture, we might be working together to acheive a common goal here...(Just kidding on that 3rd one!)
I admit, I was afraid of how it would go - I mean, typical friends evolve from you do something together, you grow closer. Not you know all of this really deep stuff about each other and THEN you meet...
But I had absolutely NOTHING to worry about. When we met each other, it was like hanging out with an old friend. We laughed, we cried, we talked, we drank wine, we stayed up late and watched TV - it was such a wonderful visit. And it was so nice to finally be able to give each other a big supportive hug IRL instead of just typing ((HUGS))!
I am so glad that she came to visit and I can't wait for future visits!
Jamie and I at a Winemaker's Dinner
The Best Intentions
I know I promised to post pictures of our finished landscaping, but it ain't going to happen. Crappy blogger. Every time I try to upload pictures lately, it says it is uploading but it apparently times out. Now, I could understand this if I was loading 5 or 6 at once. But I thought that was taxing it too much, so I simply tried to load one. Several times.
I would click upload, walk away and do the dishes (check on upload, still in progress); walk away and go start a load of laundry (check on upload, still in progress); walk away fold laundry (check on upload, still in progress); walk away and put up laundry (check progress - unable to upload images message); long string of explietives flies through my mind. WHAT THE FREAK???
Attempt to upload image again. Repeat steps above but with varying activites.
Attempt to upload a different image. Repeat steps above but with varying activities.
Finally give up and say that it just isn't in the cards for the internet to accept and share my images today. But I tried. Really I did...
If anyone knows how to FIX my problem, I would gladly take your help!!!
I would click upload, walk away and do the dishes (check on upload, still in progress); walk away and go start a load of laundry (check on upload, still in progress); walk away fold laundry (check on upload, still in progress); walk away and put up laundry (check progress - unable to upload images message); long string of explietives flies through my mind. WHAT THE FREAK???
Attempt to upload image again. Repeat steps above but with varying activites.
Attempt to upload a different image. Repeat steps above but with varying activities.
Finally give up and say that it just isn't in the cards for the internet to accept and share my images today. But I tried. Really I did...
If anyone knows how to FIX my problem, I would gladly take your help!!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Family Fun Night
Saturday night was Derek's Annual Company picnic. I had mixed feelings about it. There were, as the name suggests, families with children everywhere. For the most part, it went ok. I don't think Derek noticed, but I cried a little during the fireworks. A momentary relapse had me thinking about the fact that we may never see our children get so excited by the pretty displays in the sky. Sad, I know.
The best part was that I got to hold his co-workers baby (7mos). He was fussy when I got him, but shortly after I picked him up, he was sleeping like a little angel. It felt so nice to have his head on my shoulder and his little arm wrapped around my neck. So nice. Sigh...
Some day. Some way.
Ok. Typing from iPod is tough so I may add to later.
The best part was that I got to hold his co-workers baby (7mos). He was fussy when I got him, but shortly after I picked him up, he was sleeping like a little angel. It felt so nice to have his head on my shoulder and his little arm wrapped around my neck. So nice. Sigh...
Some day. Some way.
Ok. Typing from iPod is tough so I may add to later.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Maybe My Wounds are Healing
I realize that I haven’t blogged about this – hell, I haven’t really talked about it much. But I guess in order to say what I want to say, I need to explain the changes I have made in my prayers first.
I have stopped praying for God to bless us with a pregnancy. I think I have prayed for it long enough now that he knows what is in my heart and I determined that I am not strong enough to be able to give up on my dreams of carrying my child. So I am now praying for healing - that God will help me come to a place where I can look at other people who have been blessed with a child and not feel bitterness and resentment; that He will replace that with the joy that I used to feel before this whole infertility journey broke my spirit and took so much of my happiness away from me. I am praying now that He will take away the pain I feel when I think about the fact that although I have the parts and I have ALWAYS had the desire to create, carry, birth and love a child; it just doesn't seem to be in His plan for my life. I am praying for understanding why He would give me this desire that is so large that it consumes me - constantly in my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams - but not bless me with this child.
I know, I know. Before you even say it.
A part of me feel s like praying for healing is like giving up on our little embryo before we even try to transfer it. But another part of me says that if I don’t prepare myself for failure, that if our FET is yet another failed attempt I need to have my heart ready to accept that possibility.
And I also know that maybe His intentions are for me to be the mother of someone else's child. But I know that my heart will need some healing to prepare me for that option. I changed my prayers because I realized that every time I would think of the fact that I may never have my own biological child, my chest would aches with pain and tears would fall from my eyes – the pain so great that it would often shake my faith. So, I changed my prayers.
So far, God seems to be listening and answering some of my prayers. It isn’t something that has changed overnight. I have gradually felt this pain easing away. For instance, I went to the park for a workout with Derek and I came across several mothers with young children. I smiled and didn’t feel the stabbing pain in my chest. We went to a concert and were surrounded by families – mothers, fathers, and their children – and it was surprisingly pain free. After the “Tear Fest” when I realized that I needed to change what I was praying for, I don’t think I have cried over my own personal loss. So, things are looking up.
This is also evidenced in today’s events. I have a co-worker who is not the most educated man and the family is not what you would consider to be outstanding citizens. A couple of years ago, his teenage son became a father. He walked into my office today and shut the door and confided in me that his 15 year old daughter just informed him that she is expecting. He is (understandably) devastated. I tried to be supportive and listen. I didn’t get upset and cry and (although it did not evade me completely) the crushing pain in my chest was only there momentarily. I feel sorry for the girl – she was the one who he hoped would get somewhere in life. And here she is, becoming a mother already.
I am still waiting on the guidance regarding our next step. Perhaps he is holding out on that one until the results of the FET are known. I have still been doing some soul searching though.
I am worried that if we do donor embryos, the time will be a big factor for me. The wait is 6 months to a year before you even attempt. Perhaps that time would fly by quickly. I mean, the 3 months wait for the FET seems to have flown by. But the time frame is the real drawback for me. What if THAT doesn’t work? We already wasted a year waiting to try and then 6 weeks for each attempt and the waiting time in between… We could easily have another 1 ½ years pass and still not be parents. Then you would have to tack on however long it takes for the adoption process…
So then I think about adoption. I have my moments when I think that adopting wouldn't be so bad and I think perhaps we should skip the donor embryos and just move forward with that option. I can see how it would fill the hole in my heart and my empty arms. But I also realize that isn't a journey that neither one of us are fully ready to embark upon and I think we both need to be 100% sure that is something we are comfortable with before we move forward.
And then I start to worry that BOTH of us will never be there 100% and that my arms will always be empty and that this hole will always be in my heart.
One other thing that I want to mention – for the last several months, I have been trying to avoid discussing our infertility. I had begun to feel like it consumed our lives and our marriage and that IF was all that we were. I didn’t want for that to be the only thing we talked about, so I typically avoid it like the plague. My friend Jamie from BBC came to stay with us this past weekend. (That deserves a post of its own). Anyway, Jamie sent me an email today – and here is an excerpt of that email:
“…I also wanted to share that I enjoyed seeing you and Derek together as a couple. I think you are both more than the infertility, more so than you realize. You are both loving, sweet, and attentive to each other. There is an ease and a flow with how you work together and smile together. You both seem to enjoy cooking, food, movies, and the Georgia mountains together. It was only a weekend, so I am sure there is so much more that is shared between you and that depth is evident. I am so happy for you both in the life you share together.”
So Jamie, thank you so much for telling me that even though you know our struggles and even though they were discussed in person, you can see so much more in our relationship than just the infertility woes. It means a lot to me to know that.
I have stopped praying for God to bless us with a pregnancy. I think I have prayed for it long enough now that he knows what is in my heart and I determined that I am not strong enough to be able to give up on my dreams of carrying my child. So I am now praying for healing - that God will help me come to a place where I can look at other people who have been blessed with a child and not feel bitterness and resentment; that He will replace that with the joy that I used to feel before this whole infertility journey broke my spirit and took so much of my happiness away from me. I am praying now that He will take away the pain I feel when I think about the fact that although I have the parts and I have ALWAYS had the desire to create, carry, birth and love a child; it just doesn't seem to be in His plan for my life. I am praying for understanding why He would give me this desire that is so large that it consumes me - constantly in my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams - but not bless me with this child.
I know, I know. Before you even say it.
A part of me feel s like praying for healing is like giving up on our little embryo before we even try to transfer it. But another part of me says that if I don’t prepare myself for failure, that if our FET is yet another failed attempt I need to have my heart ready to accept that possibility.
And I also know that maybe His intentions are for me to be the mother of someone else's child. But I know that my heart will need some healing to prepare me for that option. I changed my prayers because I realized that every time I would think of the fact that I may never have my own biological child, my chest would aches with pain and tears would fall from my eyes – the pain so great that it would often shake my faith. So, I changed my prayers.
So far, God seems to be listening and answering some of my prayers. It isn’t something that has changed overnight. I have gradually felt this pain easing away. For instance, I went to the park for a workout with Derek and I came across several mothers with young children. I smiled and didn’t feel the stabbing pain in my chest. We went to a concert and were surrounded by families – mothers, fathers, and their children – and it was surprisingly pain free. After the “Tear Fest” when I realized that I needed to change what I was praying for, I don’t think I have cried over my own personal loss. So, things are looking up.
This is also evidenced in today’s events. I have a co-worker who is not the most educated man and the family is not what you would consider to be outstanding citizens. A couple of years ago, his teenage son became a father. He walked into my office today and shut the door and confided in me that his 15 year old daughter just informed him that she is expecting. He is (understandably) devastated. I tried to be supportive and listen. I didn’t get upset and cry and (although it did not evade me completely) the crushing pain in my chest was only there momentarily. I feel sorry for the girl – she was the one who he hoped would get somewhere in life. And here she is, becoming a mother already.
I am still waiting on the guidance regarding our next step. Perhaps he is holding out on that one until the results of the FET are known. I have still been doing some soul searching though.
I am worried that if we do donor embryos, the time will be a big factor for me. The wait is 6 months to a year before you even attempt. Perhaps that time would fly by quickly. I mean, the 3 months wait for the FET seems to have flown by. But the time frame is the real drawback for me. What if THAT doesn’t work? We already wasted a year waiting to try and then 6 weeks for each attempt and the waiting time in between… We could easily have another 1 ½ years pass and still not be parents. Then you would have to tack on however long it takes for the adoption process…
So then I think about adoption. I have my moments when I think that adopting wouldn't be so bad and I think perhaps we should skip the donor embryos and just move forward with that option. I can see how it would fill the hole in my heart and my empty arms. But I also realize that isn't a journey that neither one of us are fully ready to embark upon and I think we both need to be 100% sure that is something we are comfortable with before we move forward.
And then I start to worry that BOTH of us will never be there 100% and that my arms will always be empty and that this hole will always be in my heart.
One other thing that I want to mention – for the last several months, I have been trying to avoid discussing our infertility. I had begun to feel like it consumed our lives and our marriage and that IF was all that we were. I didn’t want for that to be the only thing we talked about, so I typically avoid it like the plague. My friend Jamie from BBC came to stay with us this past weekend. (That deserves a post of its own). Anyway, Jamie sent me an email today – and here is an excerpt of that email:
“…I also wanted to share that I enjoyed seeing you and Derek together as a couple. I think you are both more than the infertility, more so than you realize. You are both loving, sweet, and attentive to each other. There is an ease and a flow with how you work together and smile together. You both seem to enjoy cooking, food, movies, and the Georgia mountains together. It was only a weekend, so I am sure there is so much more that is shared between you and that depth is evident. I am so happy for you both in the life you share together.”
So Jamie, thank you so much for telling me that even though you know our struggles and even though they were discussed in person, you can see so much more in our relationship than just the infertility woes. It means a lot to me to know that.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Honest Scrap Award
A while back - in June to be exact - my friend Katie and my friend Melissa both awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award. It has taken me this long to claim my award and to accept it. I apologize to those who have awarded me that it has taken this long to write my acceptance speech.
So here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself
Since I only follow 4 blogs religiously, I only have 4 people to award. And all 4 have been previously awarded this award, I don't think that passing the award around in a circle is going to get us anywhere, but the ladies I would nominate are:
Kerri http://kerrilynn1215.blogspot.com/
Kerri http://kerrilynn1215.blogspot.com/
Melissa http://melissap05.blogspot.com/
For the 10 Honest Things about myself:
- I love Ice Cream. I think I could eat my weight in it.
- I think I have a slight case of OCD - I am big on organization. By alphabet, by color - you get the picture.
- I love 80's/90's rap music. I know every word to "Bust A Move", "Baby's Got Back", and various other songs that I probably shouldn't admit that I know the words to. I don't know where it all fits in my head.
- I have overactive sweat glands and certain fabrics make me have sweaty pits. Seriously. I can have chill bumps and still be sweating like a pig. Gross. FYI - I avoid those fabrics)
- I had a Breast Reduction at the age of 21 and I have never regretted it for a moment.
- I am not a big fan of CNN or Fox News or any other 24 hour a day news channel. I think I would prefer to watch paint dry.
- I would love to be great at gardening but I don't really have a green thumb. At least the plants I have planted recently are still alive. Maybe I will get there some day.
- I love to read fiction novels.
- I honestly don't know how I survived life before TIVO/DVRs
- Last year I donated my hair to Locks of Love. I am currently growing my hair out to donate it again. At least all of those prenatal vitamins have been good for something, right?
OK, so there you have it. That is what it took me all of this time to come up with.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Week 1 Weight Loss
3.4 POUNDS!!!
So, I am 1/3 of the way to my 10 pound goal in just 1 week! I think it is fairly certain that we will be starting our FET next month. :o)
And, the annual exam was relatively painless. There were several PGers at the Dr, but they were all mature women and most of them had their husbands with them - no teenage preggers.
So, all in all it was a pretty good day.
So, I am 1/3 of the way to my 10 pound goal in just 1 week! I think it is fairly certain that we will be starting our FET next month. :o)
And, the annual exam was relatively painless. There were several PGers at the Dr, but they were all mature women and most of them had their husbands with them - no teenage preggers.
So, all in all it was a pretty good day.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Diet - Day 7
So today is my 7th day on the diet. I have done pretty well and stuck to the diet. Any indulgence that I have allowed myself, I have counted the points for. It really hasn't been that bad so far though.
I will weigh in tomorrow morning and officially tally up the loss. If I had more time, I would figure out how to put some sort of a weight loss tracker on the side of my blog so that we could all track the progress I am making and how close I am to my goal.
The other things I need to do on this blog are to:
Accept and Post the Blog Awards that I have been awarded (I haven't been ignoring them)
Post the After Pictures of our Landscaping
Blog about my most recent frame of mind
I promise I will get to these things (and all of the other online things I need to do like that Craig's list posting for my old China) - but my life has been so crazy that I have barely had time to read everyone else's blogs, much less anything else online!
One last thought before I sign off for tonight - Send me well wishes tomorrow if you don't mind. I have my annual female exam tomorrow morning. This is my first appointment with my new OB/GYN since switching last year. Time for another PAP. Goody. I am hoping my time next to PG teenagers will be at a minimum in this office. Cross your fingers for me.
I will weigh in tomorrow morning and officially tally up the loss. If I had more time, I would figure out how to put some sort of a weight loss tracker on the side of my blog so that we could all track the progress I am making and how close I am to my goal.
The other things I need to do on this blog are to:
Accept and Post the Blog Awards that I have been awarded (I haven't been ignoring them)
Post the After Pictures of our Landscaping
Blog about my most recent frame of mind
I promise I will get to these things (and all of the other online things I need to do like that Craig's list posting for my old China) - but my life has been so crazy that I have barely had time to read everyone else's blogs, much less anything else online!
One last thought before I sign off for tonight - Send me well wishes tomorrow if you don't mind. I have my annual female exam tomorrow morning. This is my first appointment with my new OB/GYN since switching last year. Time for another PAP. Goody. I am hoping my time next to PG teenagers will be at a minimum in this office. Cross your fingers for me.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
FET Update - We are Officially Postponed
Well, before it has even started, our FET has been postponed. AF is scheduled to arrive any day now. As I was gearing up to get our FET started, Derek and I discussed a few things we wanted to know from the RE. Since we didn't get a chance to have our follow up failed IVF appointment, I sent our IVF nurse, Joyce, an email regarding our questions. Although she originally suggested that we come in to see Dr. C, she did get the answers to my questions and called me back.
The good news is that even though we only have 1 embryo to transfer, our chances are still in the 40-50% success rate for our FET. The % of a single embryo transfer success is probably about 3-5% lower than a 2 embryo transfer. Dr. C also did not feel that our fragmented beginnings would decrease our chances of success for the FET. That is excellent news in my book. And if anyone does any Dr. Google research and finds any differently, please don't tell me.
I also asked if there was anything I could do to increase our chances. The answer was no. Sort of.
Since we started the whole IF roller coaster, my weight has steadily increased. Don't get me wrong, I am not morbidly obese. But I am also no longer in the target range for my height. So, I asked if I needed to lose some weight prior to the FET to put our chances at a more optimal level. Dr. C said she wouldn't have said anything about my weight, but since I asked, she felt that 1o lbs may make a difference. I know that the range for my height (all 5'3" of me) is between 111-147 and I was at 165 at our last transfer.
The decision was up to us - we could move forward as soon as AF arrives or postpone. I knew that if I didn't choose to try to lose the extra 10 lbs first, if the FET failed I would always worry that the 10 lbs would have made the difference.
So, there you have it. I have postponed our FET until the 10 lbs comes off. I officially started Weight Watchers on Tuesday. In my first attempt at WW 4 years ago, I lost 1o lbs in the first 3 weeks. I am hoping that this attempt will bring similar results and that by the beginning of my next cycle the 10 lbs will be gone...Let's hope that the desire for a baby gives me enough willpower to get through the stress/emotion eating I have become accustomed to in the last 3 years...
The good news is that even though we only have 1 embryo to transfer, our chances are still in the 40-50% success rate for our FET. The % of a single embryo transfer success is probably about 3-5% lower than a 2 embryo transfer. Dr. C also did not feel that our fragmented beginnings would decrease our chances of success for the FET. That is excellent news in my book. And if anyone does any Dr. Google research and finds any differently, please don't tell me.
I also asked if there was anything I could do to increase our chances. The answer was no. Sort of.
Since we started the whole IF roller coaster, my weight has steadily increased. Don't get me wrong, I am not morbidly obese. But I am also no longer in the target range for my height. So, I asked if I needed to lose some weight prior to the FET to put our chances at a more optimal level. Dr. C said she wouldn't have said anything about my weight, but since I asked, she felt that 1o lbs may make a difference. I know that the range for my height (all 5'3" of me) is between 111-147 and I was at 165 at our last transfer.
The decision was up to us - we could move forward as soon as AF arrives or postpone. I knew that if I didn't choose to try to lose the extra 10 lbs first, if the FET failed I would always worry that the 10 lbs would have made the difference.
So, there you have it. I have postponed our FET until the 10 lbs comes off. I officially started Weight Watchers on Tuesday. In my first attempt at WW 4 years ago, I lost 1o lbs in the first 3 weeks. I am hoping that this attempt will bring similar results and that by the beginning of my next cycle the 10 lbs will be gone...Let's hope that the desire for a baby gives me enough willpower to get through the stress/emotion eating I have become accustomed to in the last 3 years...
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Progress on the Project
Although the first few days of our project drug along very slowly and without much headway, we are now beginning to see progress. Keep in mind that before the project started, we were told that it was going to take a week. Today is day 9 of constuction. Day 9. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I am pretty sure that is more than a week.
The first few days involved a skeleton crew only a few hours a day. Although the retaining wall got poured in the first week, I began to get very worried about how it was all going to turn out - or if it was ever going to turn out. But, things are really starting to shape up. We have had to make a few changes to the plans. The original plan called for a 27 foot retaining wall. The end result is 39 feet long. That is 12 extra feet. Thankfully, there haven't been a whole lot of added cost for us.
We think that it is going to be beautiful when it is all completed.
Here are some pictures of the progress...I have more, but I get too impatient with how long they take to upload to blogger and 4 was all I could stand tonight.
Front Stoop and Driveway Area Under Construction.
The New Poured Retaining Wall covered in Stone.
The first few days involved a skeleton crew only a few hours a day. Although the retaining wall got poured in the first week, I began to get very worried about how it was all going to turn out - or if it was ever going to turn out. But, things are really starting to shape up. We have had to make a few changes to the plans. The original plan called for a 27 foot retaining wall. The end result is 39 feet long. That is 12 extra feet. Thankfully, there haven't been a whole lot of added cost for us.
We think that it is going to be beautiful when it is all completed.
Here are some pictures of the progress...I have more, but I get too impatient with how long they take to upload to blogger and 4 was all I could stand tonight.
Front Stoop Before Picture
Front Stoop and Driveway Area Under Construction.Here are the beginnings of a new Front Stoop.
We also have quite a few plants that weren't there before...
The Old Railroad Tie Retaining Wall
The New Poured Retaining Wall covered in Stone.Note the massive rock steps.
There are more of these where the wall meets with the driveway.
So, there is still a lot of work to be done and the contractor is promising that they will be done by tomorrow afternoon. I am not quite sure HOW they will be done by tomorrow afternoon. However, I will say that they did get a lot accomplished today so it isn't completely out of the question. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Long Time, No Post
OK, so I know it has been a while since I last posted. I am a bad, bad blogger. It isn't that I haven't had anything to say - I have started to post several times - but I just haven't put my thoughts down on paper, er, Internet...This post will be a conglomeration of thoughts and subjects...
First of all - perhaps the biggest news in our lives right now - Cancer. About 7 or 8 weeks ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with Cancer. Luckily, it is a very slow progressing cancer. During the first PET scan, a second suspicious spot was noted in her chest area. Rather than beginning treatment, she was asked to have a second PET scan 6 weeks later. This PET scan was completed last week and the spot in her chest has disappeared. This means that the mysterious spot was not cancer and that she does not have to undergo the more rigorous treatment. The treatment would be localized radiation. She also has the option to "do nothing" at this time since the cancer is so slow growing. We are waiting to hear what her decision is - but knowing my MIL, she will choose to have the radiation and err on the side of caution. I do not intend to influence her decision in any way, but I think I would take the treatment if it were me. At any rate, Derek and I (and his family) are dancing a happy dance over this wonderful news.
The second biggest news - the "project" we have going on at our house right now. Derek and I have lived in our house for 3 years now. Over this time, we have remodeled quite a bit. We noticed that our front stoop - the area outside our front door that is covered - has been sinking. We decided it was time to make this update before the covered portion broke off. We also are trying to deal with some water leakage in our basement and needed a small retaining wall installed. So, we knew that this was not something we could DIY and we called in the pros. We had several quotes - found out that our large retaining wall was failing and it also needed replaced - and long story short, this has turned into a hefty project. Work commenced last week. Our new retaining wall is in and has been backfilled, our front stoop is out and is being rebuilt. They found termite damage behind the old front stoop. Typical project for us. But, things are starting to shape up and I am excited to see the changes that are happening. Maybe I will post some pictures later.
I have been having a lot of headaches lately and have a migraine, so I stayed home from work today - called in Sick. Not that I could sleep much after the work outside started...Bang, bang, back up beeping noise, etc...But at least I took my meds and the pain has eased up. (I am not feeling the need to vomit anymore and the pain is only a dull roar at the moment - which probably explains why I am posting). However, I took my last migraine pill this morning. I called for a refill and the nurse says they won't refill it unless I have been seen by the Dr. recently. Say WHAT? So I asked (as calmly as possible since my head was throbbing and I was fighting nausea at the moment) just WHY I had to see the Dr. Her response? For a check up. To have my BP and such tested. Really lady? I have been in a Dr's office and had more than my share of visits in this last year. I have been put to sleep 2 times for egg retrievals. My BP and every other freaking part of me has been tested, poked, and prodded. I think I am fairly healthy - other than the fact that I am infertile. But I guess that doesn't all count since it wasn't my PRIMARY physician. So I am going today to see the Dr. at 4 so that I can get my freakin' refill. I think I will try to make my visit worthwhile and get her to review my allergies and make sure there is no infection brewing in there. I think I might also explain to them that this type of visit is possibly why HEALTHCARE COSTS ARE OUTRAGEOUS!!! Anyway...
In TTC news, I personally have nothing to report. I do have some wonderful news in regards to a friend of mine from the BBC - after over 3 years of trying, Katie and Jake are expecting their first child/children!!!! Congratulations!!! Although it seemed touch and go at the beginning, their IVF was a success. I am hoping and praying for a happy and healthy pregnancy for them. I have another friend from the BBC who also just completed her first IVF - Lau. I am sending her all of the good vibes that I can for her to get positive results as well. Good Luck Lau!
First of all - perhaps the biggest news in our lives right now - Cancer. About 7 or 8 weeks ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with Cancer. Luckily, it is a very slow progressing cancer. During the first PET scan, a second suspicious spot was noted in her chest area. Rather than beginning treatment, she was asked to have a second PET scan 6 weeks later. This PET scan was completed last week and the spot in her chest has disappeared. This means that the mysterious spot was not cancer and that she does not have to undergo the more rigorous treatment. The treatment would be localized radiation. She also has the option to "do nothing" at this time since the cancer is so slow growing. We are waiting to hear what her decision is - but knowing my MIL, she will choose to have the radiation and err on the side of caution. I do not intend to influence her decision in any way, but I think I would take the treatment if it were me. At any rate, Derek and I (and his family) are dancing a happy dance over this wonderful news.
The second biggest news - the "project" we have going on at our house right now. Derek and I have lived in our house for 3 years now. Over this time, we have remodeled quite a bit. We noticed that our front stoop - the area outside our front door that is covered - has been sinking. We decided it was time to make this update before the covered portion broke off. We also are trying to deal with some water leakage in our basement and needed a small retaining wall installed. So, we knew that this was not something we could DIY and we called in the pros. We had several quotes - found out that our large retaining wall was failing and it also needed replaced - and long story short, this has turned into a hefty project. Work commenced last week. Our new retaining wall is in and has been backfilled, our front stoop is out and is being rebuilt. They found termite damage behind the old front stoop. Typical project for us. But, things are starting to shape up and I am excited to see the changes that are happening. Maybe I will post some pictures later.
I have been having a lot of headaches lately and have a migraine, so I stayed home from work today - called in Sick. Not that I could sleep much after the work outside started...Bang, bang, back up beeping noise, etc...But at least I took my meds and the pain has eased up. (I am not feeling the need to vomit anymore and the pain is only a dull roar at the moment - which probably explains why I am posting). However, I took my last migraine pill this morning. I called for a refill and the nurse says they won't refill it unless I have been seen by the Dr. recently. Say WHAT? So I asked (as calmly as possible since my head was throbbing and I was fighting nausea at the moment) just WHY I had to see the Dr. Her response? For a check up. To have my BP and such tested. Really lady? I have been in a Dr's office and had more than my share of visits in this last year. I have been put to sleep 2 times for egg retrievals. My BP and every other freaking part of me has been tested, poked, and prodded. I think I am fairly healthy - other than the fact that I am infertile. But I guess that doesn't all count since it wasn't my PRIMARY physician. So I am going today to see the Dr. at 4 so that I can get my freakin' refill. I think I will try to make my visit worthwhile and get her to review my allergies and make sure there is no infection brewing in there. I think I might also explain to them that this type of visit is possibly why HEALTHCARE COSTS ARE OUTRAGEOUS!!! Anyway...
In TTC news, I personally have nothing to report. I do have some wonderful news in regards to a friend of mine from the BBC - after over 3 years of trying, Katie and Jake are expecting their first child/children!!!! Congratulations!!! Although it seemed touch and go at the beginning, their IVF was a success. I am hoping and praying for a happy and healthy pregnancy for them. I have another friend from the BBC who also just completed her first IVF - Lau. I am sending her all of the good vibes that I can for her to get positive results as well. Good Luck Lau!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Caving In (Or Not) & other randomness
So, if anyone read Katie's comment on my last post, you would know that I caved on Monday and bought a test. I didn't waste any money on an expensive name brand test. I only bought a cheap on at the Dollar Store. I paid a whole dollar for it. (Damn, testing gets EX-PEN-SIVE and I didn't feel like spending 10 or 15 bucks to be told no)
Anyway, I bought the test while I was talking to Katie about her fertilization report while on my lunch with the intention of using it the next morning with FMU. By the time the end of the work day finally rolled around, I was feeling crampy. So, I didn't test Tuesday morning as I had originally planned. And by late Tuesday afternoon, AF had arrived in full force. Sucks. I guess that is enough about that. 1 month of waiting down. 1 month to go.
The rest of this post is probably just going to be randomness...
An interesting thought/comment - while on our trip to Michigan, my MIL said "I don't know why you don't just put in your order..." (referring to adoption). Sometimes I don't know why we don't either. It seems like that might be much easier than all of this waiting and watching and hurting. Sigh...
A form of the IVF law that was attempting to get passed in Georgia was passed and became effective on July 1, 2009. So, now, an embryo is considered a "person" (loosely defined) in Georgia. This was a back-door abortion law. But, this has managed to make our next step - embryo adoption - possibly a much more time consuming and expensive process (as if it wasn't difficult enough) AND we will have to go through steps similar to adoption to now receive these embryos. THANK YOU GEORGIA RESIDENTS. The good news? We will possibly be eligible for a tax credit for adoption.
The Twilight series is addictive. I have already read New Moon and I am now reading Eclipse. I never thought I could be addicted to a book about Vampires and Werewolves.
I am going to be logging off soon - I have a migraine and my meds are kicking in and I feel quite funny.
To my friends and family who are not BBCers, please keep my friends Katie and Lau in mind as they both had Egg Retrievals this week. They are both in the stressful place of waiting for their transfers and worrying about their embryos. And after the transfers the stress of the wait begins. They could sure use your thoughts and prayers.
Anyway, I bought the test while I was talking to Katie about her fertilization report while on my lunch with the intention of using it the next morning with FMU. By the time the end of the work day finally rolled around, I was feeling crampy. So, I didn't test Tuesday morning as I had originally planned. And by late Tuesday afternoon, AF had arrived in full force. Sucks. I guess that is enough about that. 1 month of waiting down. 1 month to go.
The rest of this post is probably just going to be randomness...
An interesting thought/comment - while on our trip to Michigan, my MIL said "I don't know why you don't just put in your order..." (referring to adoption). Sometimes I don't know why we don't either. It seems like that might be much easier than all of this waiting and watching and hurting. Sigh...
A form of the IVF law that was attempting to get passed in Georgia was passed and became effective on July 1, 2009. So, now, an embryo is considered a "person" (loosely defined) in Georgia. This was a back-door abortion law. But, this has managed to make our next step - embryo adoption - possibly a much more time consuming and expensive process (as if it wasn't difficult enough) AND we will have to go through steps similar to adoption to now receive these embryos. THANK YOU GEORGIA RESIDENTS. The good news? We will possibly be eligible for a tax credit for adoption.
The Twilight series is addictive. I have already read New Moon and I am now reading Eclipse. I never thought I could be addicted to a book about Vampires and Werewolves.
I am going to be logging off soon - I have a migraine and my meds are kicking in and I feel quite funny.
To my friends and family who are not BBCers, please keep my friends Katie and Lau in mind as they both had Egg Retrievals this week. They are both in the stressful place of waiting for their transfers and worrying about their embryos. And after the transfers the stress of the wait begins. They could sure use your thoughts and prayers.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
We're Back... Vacation Update and TTC update
**Sigh** Unfortunately, our vacation has ended. So, here is a recap of our time away from home.
To top all of this off, AF was due to arrive towards the end of our vacation. On Wednesday, I had some slight redness when I wiped, but nothing later. I thought AF was about there. But, when by the end of the day no more redness had appeared, my mind started wondering if this was implantation bleeding. I pushed the thought away.
On Saturday morning, some more bleeding and I was sure AF was there. But, the flow has been almost non-existant. I have none of my normal AF symptoms. I repeat. NONE. No cramps, no sore BBs...And again my wheels start turning and the success stories of my IF friends started to plague mind.
I think of my friend Kerri who had spotting and thought it was AF but she was PG and just found out she is having a boy. Of Ellie who said that her first PG syptoms were NO symptoms. Of Alie who got PG the month after meds to her surprise.
Thank goodness my Mother in Law gave me the first book in the Twilight series. I know it probably wasn't fair to Derek, but I started reading it during the long drive home. I didn't want to burden him with the thoughts that were spinning around in my head - and losing myslef in a fictional world of vampires helped to keep me sane. Unfortunately, I finished the book in Tennessee, long before we reached home. Every time I wasn't reading or keeping busy, I found myself wondering if this lack of symptoms & spotting meant something, IF THIS WAS THE MONTH.
The closer we got to home, the more that I could feel the weight of all of our stress from home settling in around my shoulders. The panic creeping back in. The utter desperation that had seemed to evade me while on vacation.
Ugh. And it isn't even Monday yet.
I am all out of HPTs - I used the last one for our last failed IVF cycle. And I honestly don't feel like having another digital NOT PREGNANT staring back at me. I am fairly certain that this lack of symptoms just means that AF is coming and is just playing games with me. I will not be testing unless AF evades me for a few more days. Don't hold your breath.
- Friday - We got up EARLY on Friday morning and drove straight through to Michigan. The trip took us about 13 1/2 hours but the ride wasn't too bad - we listened to some great music on the way up.
- Saturday - The fun started. We walked the pier and went for a nice bike ride from Rothbury to a dairy, had an ice cream, and rode back. Perhaps you have heard of Rothbury - they had the second annual music festival there this year - but it didn't start for a few days later. You can read about the Rothbury Music Festival here: http://www.rothburyfestival.com/
- Sunday - We were scheduled to go fishing on Lake Michigan so we got up really early and headed for the docks. When we arrived, the captain told us that the waves on the lake were 5 footers and that we should probably postpone our trip. So, we rescheduled for Thursday afternoon. We drank coffee on the beach, had breakfast for a second time, and watched the high speed ferry roll out headed to Wisconson. We took a quick nap and then Derek's sister arrived to join in the fun.
- Monday/Tuesday - We headed out a 3 day trip "Up North". Derek's sister's husband says that trips with his family are like trips to nowhere - you just drive and drive and don't really end up anywhere in particular - which is true but is also a lot of fun. We stopped in several cute towns and I can't name them all, but it was a lot of fun. We went through this Tunnel of Trees which was really neat, saw a lot of beautiful houses, ate at some great restaurants, and went wine tasteing. We laughed A LOT. It was cold and rainy. I didn't pack very well and I wore the same jeans and sweatshirt for several days in a row.
- Wednesday - We headed back to his parent's house after a late breakfast. Derek and I went to a concert together that evening and saw Counting Crows (it was our first concert together). It was the coldest July 1 on record and the concert proved to be cold and rainy. Washed said sweatshirt.
- Thursday - We walked on the beach, gathered driftwood, walked through the dunes, and went on our postponed fishing trip. The fishing was good - we caught several Salmon and a Stealhead Lake Trout. Still wearing said sweatshirt but changed jeans.
- Friday - We hiked a little and then spent the afternoon at the beach. It was the only day that we had weather nice enough to make it to the beach in anything less than a sweatshirt. We didn't stay that long, but we both ended up with nice sunburns.
- Saturday - Left Michigan for Indiana. Derek's grandparents were unable to join us in Michigan, so we cut our days short in Michigan to swing by and see them. It was a nice visit.
- Sunday - Drove the rest of the way home to Georgia.
To top all of this off, AF was due to arrive towards the end of our vacation. On Wednesday, I had some slight redness when I wiped, but nothing later. I thought AF was about there. But, when by the end of the day no more redness had appeared, my mind started wondering if this was implantation bleeding. I pushed the thought away.
On Saturday morning, some more bleeding and I was sure AF was there. But, the flow has been almost non-existant. I have none of my normal AF symptoms. I repeat. NONE. No cramps, no sore BBs...And again my wheels start turning and the success stories of my IF friends started to plague mind.
I think of my friend Kerri who had spotting and thought it was AF but she was PG and just found out she is having a boy. Of Ellie who said that her first PG syptoms were NO symptoms. Of Alie who got PG the month after meds to her surprise.
Thank goodness my Mother in Law gave me the first book in the Twilight series. I know it probably wasn't fair to Derek, but I started reading it during the long drive home. I didn't want to burden him with the thoughts that were spinning around in my head - and losing myslef in a fictional world of vampires helped to keep me sane. Unfortunately, I finished the book in Tennessee, long before we reached home. Every time I wasn't reading or keeping busy, I found myself wondering if this lack of symptoms & spotting meant something, IF THIS WAS THE MONTH.
The closer we got to home, the more that I could feel the weight of all of our stress from home settling in around my shoulders. The panic creeping back in. The utter desperation that had seemed to evade me while on vacation.
Ugh. And it isn't even Monday yet.
I am all out of HPTs - I used the last one for our last failed IVF cycle. And I honestly don't feel like having another digital NOT PREGNANT staring back at me. I am fairly certain that this lack of symptoms just means that AF is coming and is just playing games with me. I will not be testing unless AF evades me for a few more days. Don't hold your breath.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Finally - Vacation!!!
After a long wait, vacation has finally arrived. Tomorrow morning, we will be heading out for Michigan. We will be spending a little over a week on the open road. I think that the last few weeks (and months) have been quite stressful and we are both really looking forward to some well deserved rest and relaxation. The boys will be making the trek with us. I would have to say that they are both pretty good travelers. Dakota is probably the better traveler of the two as he falls asleep the minute the car gets rolling. But Murfy doesn't do too bad.
I am a terrible packer. I start pulling clothes out of the closet. After I pair the outfits with shoes, I inevitably realize that I am having to take too many shoes to fit the outfits. So then, I put back some of the "extra shoe" outfits and try to pull out something that matches the shoes I plan on packing. About 3 hours later, I load everything in the suitcase. Derek will waltz into the room, spend about 15 minutes tops and be done. The worst part about this is that even with my additional packing time, Derek always seems to look so much more put together than I do. I think it is definitely a gift that he posesses. His mom says that he must get it from his father who can also pack at marathon speeds. I do have some random thoughts to share before I sign off...
My Sister's Keeper:
Even though I bought the book for a vacation read, I started reading it a couple of days ago. Even though the first 2 pages were shocking to me, it was almost like a train wreck - I couldn't look away. I got absorbed into the storyline. Perhaps it was the fact that I kept imagining how terrible it would be to lose a child (probably as only someone who has struggled so hard to get one can) and therefore finished reading My Sister's Keeper. Wow - what a heart-wrenching story. Derek caught me as I finished the last words with tears streaming down my checks. I did think it was a good book though. I don't want to spoil it for anyone else who plans to read the book or watch the movie. But Wow.
Michael Jackson:
I am greatly saddened by the news of the death of the King of Pop. Michael's Thriller album was probably the first album that I begged my parents to buy for me. I can still sing every word to every song. I know - he went through some tough times and some actions that weren't exactly exemplary. But, when I think back to how I began to love music, this album always comes to mind. I didn't think that I could post today and not at least comment on his passing.
Ex-City Counsel Member cited for Public Indecency:
I work for the City government. We have 5 Counsel members who make all of the decisions regarding our government - our budget, our raises (or here lately, the lack thereof), what projects we will complete to make our city a better place, the tax rate...There is a guy who used to be on the City Counsel and left his position to run for a higher position (which he did not get). The local newspaper website has just posted an article that he was caught walking naked through a campsite and was arrested for Public Indecency. Interesting.
I will be signing off now. I have to go say my hello's to my good friends on the BBC before I detatch myself from the laptop for our trip and then I am off...It may be a while before I post again...
I am a terrible packer. I start pulling clothes out of the closet. After I pair the outfits with shoes, I inevitably realize that I am having to take too many shoes to fit the outfits. So then, I put back some of the "extra shoe" outfits and try to pull out something that matches the shoes I plan on packing. About 3 hours later, I load everything in the suitcase. Derek will waltz into the room, spend about 15 minutes tops and be done. The worst part about this is that even with my additional packing time, Derek always seems to look so much more put together than I do. I think it is definitely a gift that he posesses. His mom says that he must get it from his father who can also pack at marathon speeds. I do have some random thoughts to share before I sign off...
My Sister's Keeper:
Even though I bought the book for a vacation read, I started reading it a couple of days ago. Even though the first 2 pages were shocking to me, it was almost like a train wreck - I couldn't look away. I got absorbed into the storyline. Perhaps it was the fact that I kept imagining how terrible it would be to lose a child (probably as only someone who has struggled so hard to get one can) and therefore finished reading My Sister's Keeper. Wow - what a heart-wrenching story. Derek caught me as I finished the last words with tears streaming down my checks. I did think it was a good book though. I don't want to spoil it for anyone else who plans to read the book or watch the movie. But Wow.
Michael Jackson:
I am greatly saddened by the news of the death of the King of Pop. Michael's Thriller album was probably the first album that I begged my parents to buy for me. I can still sing every word to every song. I know - he went through some tough times and some actions that weren't exactly exemplary. But, when I think back to how I began to love music, this album always comes to mind. I didn't think that I could post today and not at least comment on his passing.
Ex-City Counsel Member cited for Public Indecency:
I work for the City government. We have 5 Counsel members who make all of the decisions regarding our government - our budget, our raises (or here lately, the lack thereof), what projects we will complete to make our city a better place, the tax rate...There is a guy who used to be on the City Counsel and left his position to run for a higher position (which he did not get). The local newspaper website has just posted an article that he was caught walking naked through a campsite and was arrested for Public Indecency. Interesting.
I will be signing off now. I have to go say my hello's to my good friends on the BBC before I detatch myself from the laptop for our trip and then I am off...It may be a while before I post again...
Monday, June 22, 2009
My Sister's Keeper
I have been seeing the previews for this new movie staring Cameron Diaz called "My Sister's Keeper." It looked like a real chick flick. Today, I was looking for books to take on vacation with me and I found the paperback. SInce I love to read the book before I watch the movie, I bought it. The story line is about a girl whose life has centered around trying to save her sister as she is a genetic match.
Tonight, I opened it up and read the first 2 pages. I was shocked.
The girl who the story is about was coincieved through IVF, but her parents chose the embryos they used based on genetics - which embryos would be a match and could save their other daughter.
Really??? And I just wanted one that would stick...
Anyway, I hope it is a good book...
Tonight, I opened it up and read the first 2 pages. I was shocked.
The girl who the story is about was coincieved through IVF, but her parents chose the embryos they used based on genetics - which embryos would be a match and could save their other daughter.
Really??? And I just wanted one that would stick...
Anyway, I hope it is a good book...
Fathers Day 2009
For the last 4 years, Mothers Day has been a sore spot with me. The pain and frustration has festered and grown every year. I know that my poor Mother probably thinks that I no longer wish to celebrate all that she has done for me throughout the years as I have gradually celebrated the day less and less. Don’t get me wrong, I still send her a card, get her a gift, and call her. It just isn’t with the enthusiasm that it used to be. I no longer say “Happy Mothers Day!!!!” with a bubble of excitement in my voice. I mumble the words because deep inside, my own heart is breaking. I am sure that she has experienced quite a bit of heartache over that one. I need to take lessons from my friend Katie who has warned her Mother that she will not be calling or celebrating what she refers to as “The Day Which Shall Remain Unnamed”. Anyway, I have digressed. Back to the holiday at hand.
For obvious reasons, Fathers Day is not as tough on me as Mothers Day. I still spend time grieving that day over the Fathers Day activities that we aren’t able to share in. I daydream over what a Fathers Day with children would be like and sadness settles around me like a dense fog. I have never specifically asked him about it, but Derek has never once mentioned that the day to celebrate Fathers has gotten to him.
Derek has always seemed so much better adjusted to our infertility than I am. He is THE eternal optimist. When I am crying over another month with negative results, he has always tried to cheer me up and say “Maybe next month…” I must also admit that this lack of emotionality on his part has led me to have resentment towards him thinking that it meant he must not really want children as much as I did.
And speaking of resentment - Derek has this crazy ability to switch off his emotions and deal with whatever crisis or situation is in front of him. Having an argument and arrive at the parents house? No problem, Derek exits the car with a smile on his face and I walk out with a long face. Having a slight disagreement? Derek can end the disagreement and start acting normal in a heartbeat and it takes me a while to get back to neutral. The boss asks you to do the stupidest thing you have ever heard of? Not a problem for Derek – he responds professionally and politely and never lets his emotions boil over and I would fume all day and type on my keyboard really hard. A major catastrophe occurs? Derek seems to be the calmest person in the world and I run around like Chicken Little screaming “The Sky is Falling!!!” This ability he has to control his emotions has often driven me NUTS!!!
Now, before anyone thinks that I am husband bashing, I should probably get to the point. Yesterday, I had a realization – a rare moment of clarity.
As we were driving down the road, Derek let me know that our IF has made Fathers Day difficult for him to deal with as well. It wasn’t a big speech on his part, only a couple of short statements about the activities we were missing out on and about feeling like we didn’t have this purpose in life that others had.
But this small portion of our conversation set my emotions off. I was so touched to hear him say that this was a tough holiday for him – in a way it validated the fact that he wants this as much as I do. But at the same time, my heart ached knowing that he was hurting over us not having a child. And then later, the realization hit me. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Over the last 4 years, his lack of emotion in our infertility hasn’t necessarily been a lack of feelings, but his reaction to a crisis. MY crisis. He felt that someone needed to keep their wits about them – and it obviously wasn’t going to be me since I was sitting in the floor crying. Each time I was upset, my dear, sweet husband took on the role of being my rock – the one who had to keep things together because I was always falling apart.
And today I want to tell you all. One day, that man is going to make a WONDERFUL Father. I love you, Derek, for all that you are and all that I know you will be some day.
For obvious reasons, Fathers Day is not as tough on me as Mothers Day. I still spend time grieving that day over the Fathers Day activities that we aren’t able to share in. I daydream over what a Fathers Day with children would be like and sadness settles around me like a dense fog. I have never specifically asked him about it, but Derek has never once mentioned that the day to celebrate Fathers has gotten to him.
Derek has always seemed so much better adjusted to our infertility than I am. He is THE eternal optimist. When I am crying over another month with negative results, he has always tried to cheer me up and say “Maybe next month…” I must also admit that this lack of emotionality on his part has led me to have resentment towards him thinking that it meant he must not really want children as much as I did.
And speaking of resentment - Derek has this crazy ability to switch off his emotions and deal with whatever crisis or situation is in front of him. Having an argument and arrive at the parents house? No problem, Derek exits the car with a smile on his face and I walk out with a long face. Having a slight disagreement? Derek can end the disagreement and start acting normal in a heartbeat and it takes me a while to get back to neutral. The boss asks you to do the stupidest thing you have ever heard of? Not a problem for Derek – he responds professionally and politely and never lets his emotions boil over and I would fume all day and type on my keyboard really hard. A major catastrophe occurs? Derek seems to be the calmest person in the world and I run around like Chicken Little screaming “The Sky is Falling!!!” This ability he has to control his emotions has often driven me NUTS!!!
Now, before anyone thinks that I am husband bashing, I should probably get to the point. Yesterday, I had a realization – a rare moment of clarity.
As we were driving down the road, Derek let me know that our IF has made Fathers Day difficult for him to deal with as well. It wasn’t a big speech on his part, only a couple of short statements about the activities we were missing out on and about feeling like we didn’t have this purpose in life that others had.
But this small portion of our conversation set my emotions off. I was so touched to hear him say that this was a tough holiday for him – in a way it validated the fact that he wants this as much as I do. But at the same time, my heart ached knowing that he was hurting over us not having a child. And then later, the realization hit me. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Over the last 4 years, his lack of emotion in our infertility hasn’t necessarily been a lack of feelings, but his reaction to a crisis. MY crisis. He felt that someone needed to keep their wits about them – and it obviously wasn’t going to be me since I was sitting in the floor crying. Each time I was upset, my dear, sweet husband took on the role of being my rock – the one who had to keep things together because I was always falling apart.
And today I want to tell you all. One day, that man is going to make a WONDERFUL Father. I love you, Derek, for all that you are and all that I know you will be some day.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Birthdays Suck!
So, if you couldn't tell from the title, I think that birthdays suck. Or at least mine does. Okay, maybe not totally, but it was cause for tears more than once today.
The day started off pretty well. A very early phone call from my (not so) little brother, singing from Derek, a call from my Dad, a call from my Mom, another call from said (not so) little brother, gifts from my employees, lunch with 2 of my best girlfriends, a suprise gift in the mail from my Grandma...what most people would probably consider to be a stellar birthday.
But those people have not suffered through IF and weren't there with me at the coffee pot for the moment of clarity that I had that brought on the first wave of tears.
Was it that I am now officially 32??? Nope.
32 and childless? You are getting warmer...
It was the realization that 33 and childless is highly probable. That thought absolutely SUCKED! And it was reason to sob about being another year older before I even left the house for work.
Some of you may wonder how I got to this realization. Well, it is fairly simple. After our break from treatments, we will be attempting with our frostie starting at the beginning of August with a transfer date of mid September. If that doesn't work, it will be at least 6 to 12 months before we would be able to attempt with Donor embryos. B-E-A-UTIFUL. Another Christmas. Another Easter. Another Mother's Day. One more year of feeling broken.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not ALL doom and gloom. I have already calculated when the due date would be if the frostie were to be successful and I do know that I could get a baby as a birthday present next year. But after so much disappointment, it is just hard to think that positively or be that hopeful anymore...
Anyway, I am another year older. Break out the bubbly. Just because I don't feel like celebrating doesn't mean I can't get drunk, right?
The day started off pretty well. A very early phone call from my (not so) little brother, singing from Derek, a call from my Dad, a call from my Mom, another call from said (not so) little brother, gifts from my employees, lunch with 2 of my best girlfriends, a suprise gift in the mail from my Grandma...what most people would probably consider to be a stellar birthday.
But those people have not suffered through IF and weren't there with me at the coffee pot for the moment of clarity that I had that brought on the first wave of tears.
Was it that I am now officially 32??? Nope.
32 and childless? You are getting warmer...
It was the realization that 33 and childless is highly probable. That thought absolutely SUCKED! And it was reason to sob about being another year older before I even left the house for work.
Some of you may wonder how I got to this realization. Well, it is fairly simple. After our break from treatments, we will be attempting with our frostie starting at the beginning of August with a transfer date of mid September. If that doesn't work, it will be at least 6 to 12 months before we would be able to attempt with Donor embryos. B-E-A-UTIFUL. Another Christmas. Another Easter. Another Mother's Day. One more year of feeling broken.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not ALL doom and gloom. I have already calculated when the due date would be if the frostie were to be successful and I do know that I could get a baby as a birthday present next year. But after so much disappointment, it is just hard to think that positively or be that hopeful anymore...
Anyway, I am another year older. Break out the bubbly. Just because I don't feel like celebrating doesn't mean I can't get drunk, right?
Friday, June 12, 2009
The Week in Review
I know, I have been a bad, bad blogger. I have not posted anything in several days. So, I will provide you with my week in review:
Monday, June 8
I called in sick. The cramps were just too much to take. I stayed home and took a pain pill (which was lovely). I know I probably could have gone in to work. But, I was just mentally too exhausted. Derek left for a business trip in New Jersey in the early afternoon. I didn't really do much all day. It was a wonderful Monday.
Tuesday, June 9
Isn't it amazing that when you get used to having someone around how much you miss them when they are gone? I can't sleep without Derek in the bed beside me. So, Tuesday started out with me being very sleepy. I made it through my work day and headed home. Derek and I talked about our next steps and came up with a plan. You know me, I have to have a plan. I began to feel much more capable of facing the rest of the world and the rest of our journey. I could not even begin to tell you what else I did the rest of the night. All I know is that after arriving home, what seemed to be about 30 minutes later it was already 10p.m. On to another sleepless night.
Oh, and about the plan? We are going to take a couple of months off of ART "trying" and enjoy ourselves. Our current plan is to start a FET cycle around the beginning of August using our Frostie. Our next step would be to move on to Donated Frozen Embryos. We are already on one waiting list (2 year wait) and will put ourselves on the shorter waiting list (6 mos. to 1 year) when we find out the outcome of our frozen cycle as there is a fee to get on that list. I think it is a pretty good plan, even if I do say so myself.
Wednesday, June 10
A visit from Mom - after another marvelous day at work, I came home and got to spend a lovely evening with my mom. We sat on our back deck and had a cup of coffee. We went to eat at Texas Roadhouse and had a Margarita. We did a little shopping at Kohl's. We talked. We laughed. We had a great time. I really enjoyed having the middle of my week brightened by a visit from my Mom. Thank you for coming to visit me, Mom!
Thursday, June 11
Happy Birthday Derek!!!! My wonderful husband turned 35. I gave him a call at 6:30 in the morning to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday. I think I succeeded. Since he was in New Jersey, I didn't get to give him any special birthday present or even a birthday spanking, but I will be sure to take care of that when he gets home. After work, I watched the "So You Think You Can Dance" from Wednesday and cried several times because "that was just so beautiful..." Then I watched "Boys on the Side" and cried some more. I guess I was feeling quite emotional. You think???
Friday, June 12
The day Derek comes home! Yippee! I am so glad that the weekend is here. Since my dear husband has phoned to say that he is about 15 minutes away, I am going to end my post here and go spend some quality time with him...
Monday, June 8
I called in sick. The cramps were just too much to take. I stayed home and took a pain pill (which was lovely). I know I probably could have gone in to work. But, I was just mentally too exhausted. Derek left for a business trip in New Jersey in the early afternoon. I didn't really do much all day. It was a wonderful Monday.
Tuesday, June 9
Isn't it amazing that when you get used to having someone around how much you miss them when they are gone? I can't sleep without Derek in the bed beside me. So, Tuesday started out with me being very sleepy. I made it through my work day and headed home. Derek and I talked about our next steps and came up with a plan. You know me, I have to have a plan. I began to feel much more capable of facing the rest of the world and the rest of our journey. I could not even begin to tell you what else I did the rest of the night. All I know is that after arriving home, what seemed to be about 30 minutes later it was already 10p.m. On to another sleepless night.
Oh, and about the plan? We are going to take a couple of months off of ART "trying" and enjoy ourselves. Our current plan is to start a FET cycle around the beginning of August using our Frostie. Our next step would be to move on to Donated Frozen Embryos. We are already on one waiting list (2 year wait) and will put ourselves on the shorter waiting list (6 mos. to 1 year) when we find out the outcome of our frozen cycle as there is a fee to get on that list. I think it is a pretty good plan, even if I do say so myself.
Wednesday, June 10
A visit from Mom - after another marvelous day at work, I came home and got to spend a lovely evening with my mom. We sat on our back deck and had a cup of coffee. We went to eat at Texas Roadhouse and had a Margarita. We did a little shopping at Kohl's. We talked. We laughed. We had a great time. I really enjoyed having the middle of my week brightened by a visit from my Mom. Thank you for coming to visit me, Mom!
Thursday, June 11
Happy Birthday Derek!!!! My wonderful husband turned 35. I gave him a call at 6:30 in the morning to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday. I think I succeeded. Since he was in New Jersey, I didn't get to give him any special birthday present or even a birthday spanking, but I will be sure to take care of that when he gets home. After work, I watched the "So You Think You Can Dance" from Wednesday and cried several times because "that was just so beautiful..." Then I watched "Boys on the Side" and cried some more. I guess I was feeling quite emotional. You think???
Friday, June 12
The day Derek comes home! Yippee! I am so glad that the weekend is here. Since my dear husband has phoned to say that he is about 15 minutes away, I am going to end my post here and go spend some quality time with him...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Option of Adoption
So after our results on Friday, I would say it is safe to assume you all know that I was feeling as if I was my whit's end. Especially if you read the previous post.
I cried, I zoned out, I struggled over whether any of my actions had caused the failure (Should I not have planted flowers in our island that weekend? What about that trip on the stairs? Should I have just placed myself on complete bed rest for 2 weeks???) Then I blogged and got my feelings out there.
When Derek got home, he took me to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. On the way, I opened up to him and shared with him the fears that I blogged about. I told him about being afraid that he would always be against adoption if that became our ONLY option. And he told me exactly what I needed to hear - that if I am unable to carry our child and we have exhausted all of our other options - that he would not be against adoption. He just doesn't want to consider this option right now.
It was music to my ears. I felt like the cloudy rainy skies above me had miraculously cleared up revealing bright beautiful sunshine and blue skies. OK, so that doesn't mean that all of our problems are solved or that the rest of this process will be any easier, but I did feel as if there was a renewed sense of hope that we will eventually make it to Parenthood...
In other news, AF has arrived. The lovely AF that follows IVF. Can you say HOLY CRAP??? At least I knew to expect it this time...
I cried, I zoned out, I struggled over whether any of my actions had caused the failure (Should I not have planted flowers in our island that weekend? What about that trip on the stairs? Should I have just placed myself on complete bed rest for 2 weeks???) Then I blogged and got my feelings out there.
When Derek got home, he took me to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. On the way, I opened up to him and shared with him the fears that I blogged about. I told him about being afraid that he would always be against adoption if that became our ONLY option. And he told me exactly what I needed to hear - that if I am unable to carry our child and we have exhausted all of our other options - that he would not be against adoption. He just doesn't want to consider this option right now.
It was music to my ears. I felt like the cloudy rainy skies above me had miraculously cleared up revealing bright beautiful sunshine and blue skies. OK, so that doesn't mean that all of our problems are solved or that the rest of this process will be any easier, but I did feel as if there was a renewed sense of hope that we will eventually make it to Parenthood...
In other news, AF has arrived. The lovely AF that follows IVF. Can you say HOLY CRAP??? At least I knew to expect it this time...
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Results are In
Derek had to go to work early this morning, so I got up early and tested (so that he could be home if it was a BFP). But, it was a negative glaring back at me. Digitally. No denying it.
A Digital Negative
Right now I feel so broken and beat down. I mean - what kind of person can have 6 freaking embryos transferred to her uterus and not have a single one stick? Granted, I know that the fragmentation means they have less of a chance, but seriously! And to think - I went into this process thinking that this was going to be it - Our big break. I was even naive enough to be thinking that I was going to end up PG with twins the first time around. And after 5 freaking months of IVF (if you include the 1 month break the last time), all of the time missed from work, all of the drugs in my body, all of the mental stress, and all of the money - here we are and we don't have SHIT to show for it.
Okay, so we have 1 on ice which is actually something to show for it, but you know what I mean.
Now, the other thing rolling around my mind is our remaining options. We have our frostie, we have donor eggs, and we have donor embryos. Derek is still against adoption for several reasons that are all absolutely 100% valid. I know that if adoption is the only route we have left, he would probably change his mind. But, I need to hear him tell me that if I am the one who is broken and I can't get pregnant, that we will still have a family - some day, some way. I am feeling so anxious about the fact that we may never become parents that the rational side of my brain (who knows he would probably agree to adoption if we exhaust all other options) can't get through to the irrational part who is sobbing about the fact that I will never be a Mother. I will never hear a child call me "Mommy". I will never get to do any of those things that I feel that I was MADE to do. I don't want to consider the option that I will never get to watch Derek play catch with our child or read our child a bedtime story or dress them in clothes that don't match...
But, considering the fact that I have ranted on and on, I think there is a possibility that I migt not BE sane.
A Digital NegativeSo, I went back to bed until I had to be up. I didn't really sleep - I just laid there thinking and tried not to cry. I guess a part of me was still holding on to the hope that it was a false negative and I wasn't entirely ready to admit defeat. I got up and went for my B/W for the Beta.
Then, 6 hours later, the nurse called and shattered my hopes.
So, I guess we sit back and take it all in for a couple of days, pick ourselves up, and dust ourselves off. Once insurance has settled up with what they will pay for this round, we will move forward with our frostie.
Right now I feel so broken and beat down. I mean - what kind of person can have 6 freaking embryos transferred to her uterus and not have a single one stick? Granted, I know that the fragmentation means they have less of a chance, but seriously! And to think - I went into this process thinking that this was going to be it - Our big break. I was even naive enough to be thinking that I was going to end up PG with twins the first time around. And after 5 freaking months of IVF (if you include the 1 month break the last time), all of the time missed from work, all of the drugs in my body, all of the mental stress, and all of the money - here we are and we don't have SHIT to show for it.
Okay, so we have 1 on ice which is actually something to show for it, but you know what I mean.
So now, the type A comes out in me. Not every frozen one survives. I am afraid to Google about what % survives the freeze/thaw procedure. We only have 1 and my luck hasn't been that good lately. F$C%!!! I have asked by BBC (Baby Center) friends to Google it for me and see if I even want to know.
Now, the other thing rolling around my mind is our remaining options. We have our frostie, we have donor eggs, and we have donor embryos. Derek is still against adoption for several reasons that are all absolutely 100% valid. I know that if adoption is the only route we have left, he would probably change his mind. But, I need to hear him tell me that if I am the one who is broken and I can't get pregnant, that we will still have a family - some day, some way. I am feeling so anxious about the fact that we may never become parents that the rational side of my brain (who knows he would probably agree to adoption if we exhaust all other options) can't get through to the irrational part who is sobbing about the fact that I will never be a Mother. I will never hear a child call me "Mommy". I will never get to do any of those things that I feel that I was MADE to do. I don't want to consider the option that I will never get to watch Derek play catch with our child or read our child a bedtime story or dress them in clothes that don't match...
Maybe I should try to wrap my head around a childless existence. Maybe I do need to feel OK with that because it IS a possibility. Maybe that is the SANE thing to do.
But, considering the fact that I have ranted on and on, I think there is a possibility that I migt not BE sane.
And therefore, broken or not, I am not ready to give up on my dreams of being a mother and our dreams of having a family.
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