The Phone Call

In my last post I talked about a negative phone call that I had received. Well it wasn't negative per say, but it didn't leave me thinking positive thoughts. I had a voicemail that went a little something like this, "Hi Sis. Childs, this is Sis. So and So and this message is regarding me taking over your calling. I need you to call me." Ya, I was freaking out!!!! The Bishop had not even mentioned a word to me about this and I kind of thought the way she approached it was a little tacky and insensitive. Especially when I had just been rejuvenated and spiritually fed. I was gun-ho to tell the sisters about this new project and just had overwhelming thoughts of what this could do for them and our ward as a whole. Then I get this?!?

You know it's funny how life works sometimes. Wednesday I was talking to my SIL and complaining a little to her that I had so much to do in preparation for the baby and I just could not find the time to do it because my day was constantly being interrupted by people always needing something and needing it right at that moment. I told her that I had been thinking about talking to the Bishop and seeing how soon he was planning on releasing me and asking him to make it sooner if it wasn't soon enough for me. The next day I went to the GNO that I wrote about and had such a wonderful experience that I was ready to do this calling for another year! I was positive and elated and on a spiritual high...then I got that call the next morning and found myself completely deflated! I had a hard time controlling my emotions when I called her back. I almost didn't call her back but she actually called me as I was calling her and she still was as insensitive as could be about it...of course that's just how I felt. I'm sure she wasn't intending it to be like that at all. She told me it was going to happen in two weeks on fast Sunday. That gave me hope because that meant I had one more week to prepare myself and one more Sunday to give the sisters the challenge to be positive and what not. The Bishop had also given me a few food orders to do and we had a funeral coming up that week. So I had a lot of responsibilities to take care of before the mantel could be handed over. Even with all of these assignments the Bishop still did not say one word to me about this. Sunday morning came and I was getting things ready for church when the name that showed up on my caller id totally put fear and panic into my heart..."Bishop's Office." I knew what this call was going to be about and the anxiety swelled within me. Sure enough, the Bishop said he wanted to meet with me that morning and he was calling my counselors in as well. I said, "so you're going to release us today instead of next week huh." That took him by surprise because I don't think he knew that I knew what was going down. He said, ' uh, ya most likely." Total silence from me as I held back a sob. Yes I knew this day was coming but I thought it was coming later and that I'd have a little more time and so I was completely caught off guard...again. I sobbed the whole time I was in his office. I had Emma grab me three handfuls of tissue from the bathroom when we got to church and just silently wiped tears from my face the whole day. The Bishop asked the "old" presidency to bear our testimonies and then the "new" presidency to do the same during Relief Society. I of course sobbed all the way through that. A few people had said to me during the course of church, "Oh I bet you are just letting out a sigh of relief aren't you!" Or one sister said, "You're finally free." These comments just made me even sadder because I was not happy about this release. I was very sad to leave my sisters and even though I knew who the new president was going to me months and months ago, I still did not think she would love the sisters as much as I did or even take care of them in the way that I had. I told the sisters about some of the comments and said, "I don't know if I'm just weird and it causes me much sorrow to be released from this or if you are all just so excited to finally have me out of here," (which got a lot of laughs), "but I truly am sad and upset that I am being released even though I know it is the right time and it's somebody else's turn to be blessed by serving you." I continued on and bore my testimony and sat down. After church was over I felt like I was in a wedding reception line or something because almost every sister in that room came up to me to hug me and tell me that they loved me and what a good job I had done and the ways in which I had inspired them personally. It made me feel so good and loved to know that I had truly done what the Lord had asked me to do. I really did feel that the Savior was saying to me, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant," through the love and tears of the dear sweet sisters. I still did not feel that the mantel had been lifted quite yet though.

Tuesday we had the funeral. I had made all the arrangements and tried to really go out in a high note. I played the piano at the funeral and it felt so good to be expressing my love one last time through music to the family in mourning. I went and did the luncheon working one last time with my compassionate service committee and the other sisters who are always so faithful in helping us. I decorated the tables one more time, spoke to the members of the family and gave them a card one last time, and enjoyed being in the service of my fellow man one last time. When all was said and done I handed the keys over to the new president and said, "they're all yours. Please take good care of them." And then I walked out to my car and drove home feeling for the first time a sense of accomplishment and release. I felt the mantle lifted and I felt completely empty.

I remember when my brother Bryan came home from his mission. He was so sad to be home. I remember my dad telling me about when he was released as a missionary and how my brother just cried and cried. That's how I felt. I felt that mantle lift and I had one more cry fest and then I was ok. Then I was excited to be with my kids and I was excited to not have my phone ring every 5 minutes and I was excited to get my house in order and prepare for this new baby. When we told the kids that I was no longer going to be the president Emma and Nathan cheered. I had already told Maddie before church started because she was having a rough morning and yelling at everybody. I told her that I really needed her to be good and nice today because I was being released as the president (her eyes lit up and her face a smile on it and she perked up) and that I was really sad about it (I had tears in my eyes and her face fell and she knew how hard this was going to be for me.) She said, "I will be good today for you mom. I'm glad you won't be the president anymore but I'm sad because you're sad." So when the other kids said they were happy about it Maddie announced she was sad about it. Olivia didn't have any idea what was going on. Jason was supportive and cried with me, encouraged me, hugged me and really took care of me that day.

Even now, it brings tears in my eyes to close this chapter in my life. Jason put it very well when he told me that when you've invested three years of your time, life and sacrificed all for the people around you it's hard to let that go and not feel sad about it. Even though it's a relief to breathe again, you wonder what you are going to do with your life now that's in not totally devoted to serving the sisters in the ward. He told me to enjoy my time off because it won't be long before I get another calling and quite frankly I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me. If it is only to be a full time mom and devote all my time to having a new little one come to our family and spend time with my children then I will accept that and enjoy it. But if it is another calling in the church to serve then I will gladly welcome that as well.

Just so you know, I've decided to start my "positive revolution" tomorrow...when I can truly start my day with a new prayer in my heart and a deep breath of change. We started the rice experiment in our family but I haven't done well with that with the new change of command and meeting with the new president to orientate her a little. So, tomorrow is a new day-truly-and I will embrace it with open arms and a new positive outlook!

Billion Clicks

Last night I attended a GNO at the American Fork Hospital and it was so wonderful! The speaker that night was Hilary Weeks. I love her music and I just love her! I have really gotten into her most recent music lately and now I know why. Her music has been inspired by her recent "journey" and train of thought. She spoke last night about the power of positive thinking.

First, let me back up a little and talk about my own personal experiences these past few weeks. As everyone knows I am pregnant with our 5th child. This pregnancy has not been an easy one on all levels imaginable! Physically it has been difficult as I was the sickest I have ever been with not only pregnancy stuff but other stuff as well. I literally did not go out of my house or bed unless it was absolutely necessary for 3 months. That was very difficult seeing as how I had two kids in school and I am currently the RS President in my ward. Every moment I was home I spent in bed and we ate out for almost every meal. Emotionally it was a struggle because of the economic state the country is in. How are we going to afford another child? I want to make it VERY CLEAR that the decision to have another child was frought with constant prayer and discussion between Jason and I. It took us a year to decide that bringing another child into our family was truly what the Lord wanted us to do and then it took another 6 months to actually get pregnant. So just that alone was hard emotionally. But, I also have close family members who were also having a difficult time getting pregnant and staying pregnant. So when we finally got pregnant and found that everything was going well it was hard to feel so much joy knowing that there were family members experiencing so much pain with the same situation. Friends all around me were also losing their babies or having difficulties with pregnancy. I started getting paranoid about every little thing that had to do with the baby. I had anxiety about every dr. appt. wondering if they were going to tell me that my baby was no longer thriving. Mentally I started freaking out because I was trying to figure out how I was going to juggle my demanding calling, being pregnant and then having the baby and going through the changes that newborns bring. To say that I was stressed was an understatement, but I felt that I was keeping my composure pretty well. Until someone at church noticed that my countenance had changed. I just told her that I was beginning to feel burned out...but it got me thinking about just how in control of my emotions was I? Things spiraled down from there. For the most part I was able to just "gird my loins" and get through the day sometimes with a smile and happy attitude and sometimes with a sore jaw from "fake smiling" all day. But lately...I've been the Wicked Witch from the West! My poor husband and children just cannot do anything right in this world in my mind. Trial after trial seems to be falling on us this past month or so and while they have all been little, tedious, insignificant things, they seem like the end of the world when you are already down. I started loathing my husband and feeling like he was leaving everything to me to take care of. There are 4 bedrooms that need to be moved around and painted and put together and I feel as if I have had to do everything by myself. Move furniture, clean out the rooms, find a place to put it all and then put it all back together. If I had to be gone during the evening and he'd have to take care of dinner and get the kids to bed I'd be very grateful that he is very capable and willing to do that...however, I absolutely hated coming home to a sink full of dishes, the table not cleared and him sitting on the bed watching t.v.. My rage and anger would rise again and the loathing would start all over. My children were starting to get that itch of being bored and wanting to go back to school. All they would do is whine and fight. Our house was full of "weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth" and it was starting to get on my nerves! I would have blissful thoughts of just walking out the door and never going back...and then guilt ridden thoughts of how empty my life would be without them. This was what I wanted to be all of my life-a wife and mother in Zion- and it was discouraging me that I wasn't happy with my current role. I didn't have any energy or motivation to do anything. I was a zombie trapped in the shell of a woman screaming to get out. My children and I were no longer talking to each other-we were screaming at each other. I was nit-picky and criticizing my children about every little thing. I decided to talk to my midwife about getting on an anti-depressant. I was worried about this carrying over into post-partum depression and I wanted to nip it in the bud before it got really out of hand. I kept that a secret from my husband until I started reading some of the side-effects of the medication and decided it would be wise to tell my husband about it so that he could help "keep an eye" on me and help me notice significant changes in my mood. He told me that he didn't even notice that I was unhappy. I said, "really? You didn't notice that all I do is yell and scream at the kids and think that you and the kids can never do anything right?!" Ya, that comment from him didn't make me feel any better-only worse. I was only kinda-sorta taking the pills because I still wouldn't let my pride get the best of me.

Which brings me back to last night. Hilary talked about a statistic she read that said we think 300 negative thoughts a day. She wanted to put that to the test and decided to conduct an "experiment." She bought herself a clicker and clicked it every time she had a negative thought (at least to the best of her ability.) After a week of clicking every negative, gloomy or depressing thought she had she noticed that she felt...well, negative, gloomy and depressed. So she thought about what would happen if she turned the experiment around and clicked every positive thought she had. I'm sure you know the outcome of the experiment...it worked and she felt more positive and energetic and happy than she ever had before. She talked about how she started sharing this experience with others and how they started doing it in their own lives. Some teachers were doing it in their classrooms and would set a goal. When they reached a certain number of clicks in the classroom they could have a party or treat. She told a story of a young woman who had done it and the impact it had on her life. That story made me think of my Maddie. She has a temper like me and is a constant yeller. I wondered what would happen if I did this with her and how her attitude would change. I thought of our family doing it together. One woman decided to devote to making healthier choices and clicked every time she took the stairs, or parked further away, or chose a healthy food to eat instead of junk food.

Hilary created a website called Billion Clicks and started a revolution of positive thinking. Her goal is to get a "billion clicks" and it has spread throughout the world. 30 of the 50 states are involved and a few countries around the world as well. I am joining this revolution, as well as my family. I'm even thinking of getting the Relief Society sisters involved...at least as a challenge for a week. Think of the impact this could have on the world if we all thought positively! I'm just excited to think about the changes it can have within my own home and within myself! I decided to start right away even though I don't have a clicker yet. Of course, they moment I decide to be positive something negative happens. I got a phone call this morning that really tested me on being positive...but I can't talk about it yet...in a week or so I'll share what this phone call was about.

She also talked about the "Rice Experiment" which I will discuss at another time and let you read about it on her blog. Go to www.billionclicks.org to learn more about this and to read all of her inspirational stories. You log on and record your clicks on the website. You can even share your journey and personal experiences on there. If you are on FB you can go to the American Fork Hospital page and "like" them and get the link to Hilary's talk last night. They posted it on youtube and it is well worth the time to listen to it. I hope you will join me and my family in this revolution!!

Nathan is the Fantastic Four!!

It seems like only yesterday I was in the hospital in intense pain waiting for the anesthesiologist to give me that dang epidural so I could push and get my baby boy here. Unfortunately, that blessed epidural never came. Why? Oh, because my husband and the anesthesiologist had their eyes glued to the t.v. screen as Michael Phelps was making history in the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. By the time that was over it was too late for me...but my baby boy came anyway. He made history in his own way and we are enjoying him to do this day!

Nate is really in to Buzz Lightyear and all manner of Superheroes lately. His favorites being Mr. Incredible, Spiderman and Batman. He only knows the name of Iron Man because of his cousins but he claims to like him too. So it only made sense that we do a Super Hero theme for his birthday this year. I made cupcakes for everyone instead of a big cake. I made one "super" cupcake for Nate. He just couldn't let go of Buzz this year and wanted him on his cake. I tried my hand at making cream filled cupcakes. They turned out all right. I rolled the cupcakes in nerds to add some fun flavor and color. The super hero cakes are the ones filled with cream and the Toy Story cakes did not have cream, in case there were any crazies out there who didn't want cream in their cupcakes.

Nate got a lot of Super Hero stuff. A Batman outfit, a batman guy, an Iron Man costume (supposed to be for Halloween but right now it's a dress-up) some soccer stuff, some batman jammies, some hiking boots (to which he exclaimed that he had wanted those all his life) and his aunt made him a copy of the Buzz Lightyear movie which he's watched a hundred times since! He came out with some pretty good loot!

He got a big boy Buzz bike from his mom and dad. He's enjoyed terrorizing the neighborhood on that and likes that he can go really fast! He's such a sweet boy and I loved celebrating his special day with him!

First Day of School 2012

It's hard to believe that it's already time to start another school year...but nevertheless here it is! Maddie is in 4th grade this year and Emma is FINALLY in 1st grade! She has been waiting for a looong time to be in school all day and eat lunch at school. This year I actually had fun going school shopping. In fact I got a little crazy and may have bought to much (if that's even possible) but I want my kids to enjoy going to school and getting ready for school. This morning the girls were up before the sun was! They were so excited to go to school that we were ready an hour before we had to leave. This will only be the case for the first week of school. I'm sure that by next week we'll be back to draggin them out of bed.

I love Shelley Elementary!! They make the first day of school so fun for the kids. It can be scary going back to school and having a new teacher and new kids in your class. But when you come to Shelley and you hear the music "Celebrate good times come on!" you can't help but feel excited and happy to be at school. When Em gave me a hug before turning to walk to the doors it was kind of a lingering hug and she seemed a little timid. But she turned around and had a smile on her face as the teachers and faculty greeted her with cheers and smiles waving the American flag. This year the theme for school is Champions in learning and they played off of the recent summer olympics. As you can see in the picture, Olivia is getting into the spirit of the first day of school. Watch in the background as she tries to just walk right in with all the other kids. Brother, unfortunately, spoiled her fun.

Yet another close call!

I woke up this morning to the sweet smell of...burning rubber...wait-what? Sometimes at night when the air conditioner is on it smells like burnt rubber. But this morning it wasn't on and I hadn't left it on all night so what else could it be? I searched the house frantically trying to find the source of the smell. I could smell it in my office which is located upstairs in the very back corner of the house. I cleared away the plugs and cords and sniffed around but still couldn't place where it was coming from. My kids thought I was weird walking around the house sniffing the air and the corners of the house running up and down the stairs and into each room. I told myself I was being paranoid and got to work on my usual daily activities. Nope-I can still smell it and now it's starting to give me that choking sensation and affect my breathing. I have been doing a lot of laundry lately so I went down stairs to check the dryer...again...not there...the fridge? Nope. The dishwasher-ooo gross! Nope-that has a different smell. Better turn that one on! I still haven't turned on the swamp cooler because in the back of my mind I'm scared that it will catch on fire or something. So I wait some more...try to get my hubby's opinion-drat! Not at his desk! So I just decided to let my paranoia get the best of me and I call the fire dept. to come and check it out. They bring in their fancy gadgets and can't locate the source but they head up to the roof to have a look at the swamp cooler just in case. Turns out that while they cannot confirm that this is where the smell is coming from it definitely is a fire hazard and could catch on fire very easily. It definitely needs to be serviced (which let's be honest probably hasn't been done since the dang thing was put in!) and cleaned up a bit. Let's see this house was built in 1959 and it's now 2012 so it could be as old as 53 years-yup probably time to have it serviced!

While we can't be for sure this is where the smell was coming from it is probably likely that this is where it came from and even then-the smell is what led us up there in the first place to notice that this is a potentially dangerous and hazardous machine! Because of my deep roots in the gospel and the fact that I try to think of the Lord in everything, I can't help but thank Him for this wonderful smell that alerted me to danger and where it could be lurking. I am so glad the swamp cooler didn't catch on fire but if I'm now smelling that smell even with it off-that's not a good sign. I'm glad we caught it before it could get any worse and I hope that we'll be able to follow through and really take care of it (a.k.a.-get central air maybe?) Yes I am turning this into a gospel experience because I truly believe that angels are watching over my family and our house. This is the second time this year that we have had a fire scare and I can't help but wonder if it's the Lord's silent pleas to get us to focus on this or prepare us for a disaster. While it is hard to be on top of everything all the time I am truly grateful for these warning signs and hope that I will continue to listen to them and act upon them. I may have been paranoid about this smell but you can never be to careful when your family's safety is on the line! While I do want to get out of this house and into a nicer, bigger, newer one-I certainly don't want to see it burn to the ground along with all of my possessions and risk the safety and lives of my family. Let's see if we can't find a more positive alternative!