A Truckload of Judicial Bullcrap!

I got a phone call today from a friend who was seriously upset. She had just received some news that is not only heartbreaking to her and to me, but should also be alarming to everyone I know. This story really starts this past spring. I was having some difficulty sleeping one night, so I stayed up and read a book. I had just finished as my phone started ringing. Knowing that my friend would not be calling me at 3 am for just any reason, I answered the phone. She was very upset and demanded that we talk, and my only thought was ‘What the heck did I do?!’ however, the moment I got in the car those thoughts changed. All I had to do was look at her, I could see the torment in her eyes as she silently begged me to make everything alright. I knew in that moment that I had to be strong for her. I calmly asked her what had happened, and listened in silent horror as she broke down and sobbed in my arms at the end of her tale. I calmly but firmly insisted that I was taking her to the hospital, and once there, I filled out all the required paperwork, found someone to give her a priesthood blessing and gave a statement to the officer that arrived at the hospital for all the evidence and helped convince her to press charges when she wasn’t really sure she should or not. I even had to handle the phone call from my friends parents, explaining where we were and why we were there. I took her home and offered her a place to stay if she felt alone. I listened as she cried and I have tried to follow up with the case in the several months since. After this all happened, this man was arrested, but was only in jail for a few hours. Weeks passed before the sheriff even got around to getting my statement officially, when he finally did, he assured my friend that this would be taken care of in only a few weeks. A few months passed and there was no change in the case. Suddenly, word that he was getting ready to skip town surfaced, it seems that he is wanted in New York for similar charges and he decided to flee to Nevada to avoid all the legal chaos. Wyoming decided to hurry and process the paperwork or something so that he couldn’t leave and New York couldn’t charge him til they were done, then I never heard much more. Today my friend calls me and tells me that the county attorney decided that he just didn’t want to press charges, so New York cant do anything to him because his stuff is unresolved in Wyoming, and Wyoming isn’t going to do anything. So this man who has assaulted more than one girl, will get off unscathed. He will be allowed to keep his cushy state job with insurance and benefits, and his record will be untarnished so no one will ever know what he did. At least two girls are reeling in the aftermath of his actions, maybe more, and there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change it, it seems. Now, call me crazy, or psycho, or even pissed off, I don’t really care, because at this point it is true. This man has wrecked havoc on the life of someone I care about a lot, and the fact that he will suffer not even one night in jail really pisses me off. The fact that the cops didn’t get our statements right away and didn’t file the paperwork ASAP is not only asinine, but its terrible! The fact that the attorney can read a case like this and decide that he doesn’t WANT to press charges is, quite frankly, unacceptable. I don’t exactly feel reassured knowing that the place that I call home is so laizzez faire about things like repeat sex offenders. So I have decided that I can either stew in silence or I can be the Voice. Someone needs to stand up and say that this is wrong, because it is. Justice demands that this wrong be addressed, these women should not have to fear anymore because of what he has done and the rest of us women should not have to worry that we will be next. Please, if anyone has any insight or counsel to offer, it would be appreciated, if all else fails, a lynch mob may be in order.

Random Blurb of Gratitude

I just want to say that I am SO grateful for good men in my life! I was feeling pretty sick today and finally had a friend come and give me a blessing, and its incredible to me how simply ASKING for the blessing made me feel better. By the time my friend showed up I was feeling so much better than I was before I asked, and by the time the blessing was over I felt incredible, still sick, but hardly at all and my spirit was at ease. Im just very grateful for the men who will answer those random calls to come give blessings of healing and comfort, its very selfless and humbling, from my perspective, to bear and use a priesthood that cannot be used for the gain of the one who holds it. Im also very grateful for the atonement of Christ and the power that it has in my life, I would be totally lost without it in my life and Im often overwhelmed by how much I feel the love of my Savior in my life. I can't comprehend or explain it, but it is real and I wish everyone would take the chance to feel that. It has, can and will change lives, its changed mine and caused it, and all of it just makes me feel so blessed and so very, very grateful!

Heartless Loveless or Dependably Independent

I really want to know if my desire to not be everyones sounding board for their relationship problems and dating foibles makes me a bad friend? I love my friends and I want to be there for them through everything, but its overwhelming to be the one that gets the tail end of everyones romance mishaps. I feel like people know that I will be there and they know that I care no matter what, but I also feel like some people take advantage of that by dumping their toxic twitterpations on me. Is it heartless of me to tell my friends to back off with their issues? Does the fact that its consistently making me feel alienated and even more alone have any factor in it? Or am I supposed to be the dependably loyal friend and listen patiently to their hours of problems and offer support with the full knowledge that my efforts wont be reciprocated? I dont know what to do anymore...

Minor Ironies and a Big Conclusion

This is really retarded...and I dont know why Im so bothered about it...but my friend set me up on this date that didnt work out (see previous post). The guy I got set up with told us that he had conflicting plans and just wasnt able to make it that night. (being last night) So imagine my surprise when I ran into him at the gym last night when the date was scheduled for. Im a little irritated...I mean...its one thing to not go out with me...Im not really a fan of the whole 'set up' thing anyway...but really?! I was pretty mortified to be on the receiving end of someones dating charity anyway, but decided to deal with it and have a good time with someone that I would like to get to know better as a friend...I dont even consider anything beyond that...its just an impossible aspect to grasp for me. But I guess Im a little miffed that I got stiffed for a weights session...I know Im not the prettiest or smartest girl in the ward...that I get a little nervous around some people and come off as weird...but even then...I would never agree to something them cancel for some gym time. I mean...jeeze...all he had to do was to say 'no, thanks!' and that would have been the end of that...which has led me to the conclusion that I am done with being set up, Im done with asking guys out, and Im kinda done dreaming about it. I would much rather be happy on my own than to feel like my presence is being forced on someone who would rather see me fall into a deep chasm than to take me to dinner. argh!

Suggestions on the upcoming?

So, Ive been thinking about starting a few new blogs and I want input on them.

The first is my Wyoming or Bust blog, that one, hopefully with the state tourism departments approval will document my anticipated travel around the state in 30 days. (Im aiming for next July!)

The second is just a really silly blog that Ive thought about after noticing that girls will often gather together to talk about the weird, creepy and downright terrible dates that they have. I dont want it to be a man-bashing blog, just something silly and true. Im thinking about calling that the bad date blog, and Id have it public so that anyone can post.

What do you think? good ideas...bad ideas?

Also, just an update, the date mentioned in my last post has been canceled...so if you dont hear any stories...it would be because there wont be any to tell :P

A snapshot to be savored

Today was the best day ever. No, really....the BEST. DAY....EVER!!!! First off, its conference, how amazing is that?! I get to go listen to a PROPHET speak. Fantastic! So there I am, listening, being spiritually edified, when the Prophet stands up. With his lighthearted and funny way, he offered an emphatic and rather surprised "Hello!" and I smiled. He makes me laugh, this prophet. Little did I know that in a few moments, this man, the Prophet of God, who, ironically, is a distant cousin, would change my life. Forever. He began talking about temples, then he told of the Provo tabernacle that was almost totally destroyed last fall. He announced that they are going to renovate it, and that at the end, it would be dedicated as a temple. The crowd was shocked! Then, he announced a temple in Columbia, Durban, South Africa, and the Congo. I was thinking how cool new temples are, when I noticed a slight pause in his list. Then he said Star Valley, Wyoming. For the slightest moment, it seemed as if the world hung in suspense together, then, as one, it was exhilarating chaos. The institute building I was in erupted into shouts of joy at the first Wyoming temple was announced in my hometown. There were shocked gasps and loud exclamations, but I just sat there, stunned. I turned to Shaelie and just said "Oh...My...Gosh!" Then I realized what this meant and I went "OH MY GOSH! OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!" I laughed really hard, and then promptly burst into tears. I kept waiting for President Monson to say "Just kidding! No temple in Star Valley!" or for me to wake up...but the fact that my feet are frozen has me convinced this is not a dream, and the fact that there is a spot on the church temple list with my hometown on it has me assured that this is not a joke! I was on an incredible high for the rest of the day! I finally calmed down a few hours later and we decided to make some enchiladas for between sessions tomorrow, Im super excited for those! YUM! :) Then I came back to my place. Im alone tonight since my roommate is off doing some wedding shopping with her mom. Shaelie texts me and I tells me she has more exciting news for me. There is this guy in my ward that I really want to get to know better, and she and her almost-boyfriend have got him to agree to go on a double date with them...and me. haha! its insane! This has just been one fantastic moment on top of another! Im SO excited for conference tomorrow, and enchiladas :) Im ECSTATIC about the temple in Star Valley, and Im really really looking forward to this date :) HOLY COW! LIFE IS SOOOOOOOO GOOD RIGHT NOW! :)

Show of hands, WHO here has Minor Ado Annie Syndrome?!

First of, let me heartily extend to you all greetings from Powell, Wyoming! Its beautiful and I am loving it!


Now, Id like to get down to what I really want to talk about. Today, my post is on the word NO. But not used in just any context. I really want to talk about why girls have, to some degree, the Ado Annie Syndrome. In other words, why they cant say no. Most girls can say no to the easy stuff, like sex, drugs and alcohol. Ive even said 'no' many times to weird guys who thought that screaming at a girl over the phone is a fantastic marriage proposal. (Just to clarify, its NOT!) However, many girls, myself included, have been stuck in situations where you are uncomfortable with what is going on, but you feel like you have no other choice but to go along with it. Heres the truth ladies. You ALWAYS have a choice! Just because some guy asks you out, does not mean you have to go. Just because that nice guy you are on a date with decides to take things a little faster than you are comfortable with does not mean you have to shut up and go with it. If some gentleman decides to walk you home after a late class and tries to kiss you on the stoop and you dont want to kiss him, you ARE NOT obligated to kiss him. I think that many of us reason away those bad feelings we get, telling ourselves that we are being dramatic and that nothing will happen to us. Some may fear getting a reputation as a prude, so they kiss that guy or hold his hand, even though she isnt comfortable with it. Some may even say something like "Well, its been so long or that no one else will ask me out that I have to let him because he was nice enough to show interest in me." BULL CRAP! Ive been guilty of this so many times! Ive been on horrible first dates because I rationalized that because I have so scarce a dating life that I should be grateful for anything. Ive suffered through so many awkward conversations and situations because I didnt know how to get out of them without being a jerk. Ive feigned polite interest in guys that I was terrified of because I couldnt see a safe escape on my own. Women, WHY do we do this?! Why do we constantly put ourselves in situations where we are miserable like that? I can tell you that I really dont look for situations that turn into those stories for me to use to commiserate with my gal pals later on. I dont like being treated poorly or feeling trapped. I dont even like going on a date because I feel like its my only option. Now some girls do, and to them, I say: GET SOME THERAPY! To the rest of the women who feel or have ever felt like I have, I tell you this. It is ok to say no! That weird guy in your class asks you out and you dont want to go? Simply say "I appreciate your offer, but Im really not interested." Not only are you saving yourself from having to suffer through a Star Wars marathon, but you are also telling him loud and clear that you are not interested, thus freeing up his time for other ventures. Telling him "I have (Insert lame reason here), but maybe some other time?" tells him that you are interested in going out with him, but that you are tragically unavailable at the time he suggested, and he will continue to ask you out. Be nice, but be firm. It may be hard, and it may hurt his feelings a little, but he will appreciate the act later on. I know that many girls have heard growing up that you should never turn a guy down because he is someone elses future love and you wouldnt want to treat him badly just like you wouldnt want someone to treat your future love that way. (The Young Womens program has some tragic flaws, this being one of them) But I want you to think about a few things. One...That is the DUMBEST logic EVER! Two...Saying no to that guy gives him the opportunity to find a girl who WILL appreciate his ability to speak Klingon. Three...There is no guys feelings that are worth more than you feeling safe. Ask anyone who has ever been sexually assaulted, most of them will start with the words "I didnt think he was that kind of guy..." Dont put yourself in a place where you feel out of control or not safe. Dont go out with someone just because no one else will ask you, unless you WANT to be with that guy. One of the things I decided for myself when I came to Powell is that I would not go on another bad date that I KNEW was going to be a bad date. Its NOT worth it. (Granted, the girls here are all 18, so my 5 year head start has me talking like a grandma or something). Can we all just make a pact?! A pact to be true to ourselves, to not doubt those feelings that we get about other people. That we wont put ourselves in situations because we feel desperate or helpless. Can we just agree that its better to say 'No Thanks' than it is to have to say 'It just happened so fast!' Girls, it is OK to say no. You have the right to remain safe.

A deep discussion on a delicate matter

Ive been thinking about writing this post for months now, but Ive held back. I feel like this is an important subject to make people aware of, but the truth be told, this is a VERY personal, and has some really gross details. Should you decide not to read this post, I will not take it personal at all, actually, I wont even know. However, I think that all the ladies reading this, or all the ones you know deserve to know this.







That being said, if you are still reading, thanks for being brave enough to hang in there.


Last fall, I made a terrible decision to start hormonal birth control. Not because I need a birth control, but simply so that I would stop breaking out. And you know what? It worked really well! My skin was nice and clear, my moods leveled out, I dropped weight and honestly, I felt fabulous! I felt beautiful and happy! It was great. Everything you hear about the positives of birth control was certainly true. I had been on it for a few months when suddenly things went wrong. (this is the part where its starts getting a little gory, so feel free to leave now if you want) My period started 3 weeks early, I was mildly annoyed since I had just had it, but I just dealt with it and moved on, except it didnt stop at the end of the week like it usually does. It didnt stop the next week either, or the next. By the third week, I started freaking out that my body was losing so much blood. For those who understand the menses, it was like having a first day for three weeks. I went to the doctor and after all those super awkward exams and ultrasounds, he concluded there was nothing wrong and that it would eventually end. I left feeling anxious, but hopeful that things would end soon. Another week passed. And by the end of the fifth week I was stressed, terrified and in rather extreme pain from over a month of bleeding. One night I hit my breaking point, after having the flow of blood increase to the point to where I was afraid I would get TSS. I came home from work late that night and begged my parents to take me to the ER. The doctor there was much more concerned and prescribed a higher dosage of estrogen to help my body level out. I was given pain pills and was forced to promise that I would follow up with my regular doctor in a few days. The lucky news is that the higher dosage worked and things finally seemed normal. But that only lasted a week, and then it returned to what it was like the 5 weeks prior, after the second week of that again, I called my doctor in tears and she suggested that I work into the placebos and try to reset my system, then work back to a normal routine. Instead I decided to quit completely, and my system reset itself. I was never, ever so relieved before. I was doing fine, but after almost two months and my menses having not started back up again I realized my body was still not quite fixed. Too scared to call my doctor, I began to pray. Within a few days my body had finally worked everything out and I returned to normal...sorta. In the past few months, I have noticed that I have gained a lot of weight, coming almost to the highest weight I have ever been, my skin has broken out almost more greatly than it ever has before, and I can feel the hormones in my system going haywire, causing my moods to change with minimal notice and my body to be in a pretty regular state of exhaustion. Its been really tough, and I know that it will take quite a while for things to return to normal. I regret it often, the decision to start birth control was and will be one that I regret for a long time. As all of this was going on, my biggest fear was that I would never be able to have children. I still dont know for sure if I have somehow screwed that up, but Im confident that I havent totally ruined that avenue yet. I guess there are two morals of the story here. One is that birth control is a fine thing, but its one that should be entered into after serious prayer and consideration, and an informed discussion of the risks with your doctor. The other is that there are things that are truly important and things that may seem important but are nothing more than vanity. Had I not been so concerned with my stupid skin blemishes, I would have never gotten into the situation that I had. It pains me often to think that I may have sacrificed the ability to have children all because I was too worried that a few zits would make me unattractive to the world. This has been a humbling and terrifying experience and I hope that you all take a moment to think about eternal consequences of temporal decisions.

One last thought. As I was going though all of this, several of my dearest friends had the opportunity to find out what was wrong and to help easy my stress, many of them chose the opposite, making mountains out of molehills and making things SO much harder than they needed to be. There were days I prayed for nothing more than a hug, and instead I found confrontations seeking me out. I wish that when people could tell there was something wrong, they took the chance to make things easier, instead of making things worse. You never know what kind of battle someone is fighting. Be an ally, not an enemy.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Small Town Life For Me!

I love small towns. They are cozy and comfortable. Like your favorite blue jeans, they just fit and feel right. One downfall to small towns however, is that there is a secret society of laundry line gossips that have the ability to ferret out things so well it would put the CIA to shame. As annoying as this is when you are the recipient of falsehoods flying around faster than an F-14 Tomcat or when all your personal business becomes EVERYONES business, one has to remember that it is only because they care that they talk. (That, and that there is nothing better to do.) The rumor mill in a small town is an incredible thing really, you can learn things about yourself that you never knew before. Im pretty certain that all those sweet ol' gossips consider themselves as news anchors. (LOL! Old lady: "This just in! Breaking news from Muriel! It seems sweet little Katie isn't so sweet after all, her daddy just caught her sneaking kisses from that Johnson boy down the road! For the full story Betty Lou will have you covered, tune back in, in 10 minutes! Ethel out!")

Anyway, I digress. I really got to thinking about this yesterday when there was a nasty wreck on the highway and within an hour and a half, people had most of the story pieced together. (Rather accurately, I might add.) The wreck was really bad, people died, others had to be life flighted to other hospitals. The highway was closed to traffic so everyone had to take these skinny backroads, it was just REALLY bad! And by the time I got to town, everyone was talking about it. They already knew who it was, how many had died and pieces of what happened. You could just feel the sobriety of the situation in the air. I remember being in college for the first time and every time I would hear a siren I would walk to the door and see where it was going. My roommates made fun of me a little for that, but where I come from, every siren means that someone you may know is hurt. And if it doesnt directly impact you, it impacts someone you know. You cant get away from it either way. My roommates didnt understand that, coming from bigger cities. I remembered that yesterday when, a few hours after the accident. I was sitting at the local drive-in when I heard a siren. Everyone stopped what they were doing and went to look. It was another ambulance and I know I wasnt the only one that said a quick little prayer for the unknown neighbor inside. I am enough out of the loop that I havent found out who was in the last ambulance, but it doesnt matter. That person is someones loved one, and there is someone in sorrow because of what happened yesterday. Our community will band together and take care of each other because thats what we do. We care about each other, even the strangers. And that is why I could never live in anything but a small town.

Cassies 10 Rules for Dating i.e. what NOT to do!

Ok, Id like to dedicate this to all the jerks who have made these rules necessary. Read. Learn. and most importantly STOP. ASKING. ME. OUT!!! To the rest of you, enjoy, and if you know a decent guy who fits into these guidelines, well send him my way! :)

10. I will not date you if you are more than 8 years older than me. I will not date you if you are more than 18 months younger than me. This rule is flexible in that these are the farthest out that I will consider. Usually, I wont date anyone younger than me, period, so if you get the extension, feel special. If you are old enough to have dated my mom, grandma or great-grandma, you are AUTOMATICALLY able to qualify for CREEP, and I have every right to ignore you til Hell freezes over.

9. If you smoke, drink, chew, do drugs, have a rap sheet, no job and no education. I do not have to date you. Actually, your chances are VERY slim that I, or any other sane woman would date you either.

8. If I wanted to date a little boy, Id go for the ones in Sunbeams, they are cute, funny and loving. Since I dont want to date a little boy, Im therefore not all impressed by your video games, your matchbox car collection, or your 'mad skills' at Dungeons and Dragons. Should you dabble, thats alright, but if it consumes more than 10 hours a week, then I think I will pass. All I have to say is grow up Peter Pan, grow up!

7. If I say I dont like something, dont insist that I would with you. I will be WAY more impressed with a guy who listened to something I said then acted on it than I would be by some guy who thought that he could convert me to his way. Moral of the story: LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY AND RESPECT IT.

6. Personal hygiene is SO important! Having clean hair, a nice smelling cologne or even just the scent of soap and having fresh breath are super important. The average woman doesnt want to go on a date with someone who smells like the junior high boys locker room or a pig feedlot.

5. Dont criticize my clothes, car, music, friends, major or religion. I think differences are awesome, but when my opinions become 'less valid' than yours, I get a little touchy. If you dont like something I wear, gently tell me, but be prepared to back it up with real answers when I ask why. If you dont like my music, deal with it. I wont stop playing country in my car because you dont like it. I will turn it down, but Im not changing Dierks Bently for Brittney Spears. If you think that my major is pointless or a waste of time, maybe you should find out why I chose it. And if you think that I am a fool for the faith that I have, maybe you should find out why I believe that way before you knock me down.

4. Dont use cheap pick up lines or smutty insults to try to pick me up. Only tramps like being told they are good for the backseat and nothing else. I dont like being treated like some cheap one night stand, and I dont like pick up lines because they are generic. If you want to impress, try an honest compliment.

3. Treat me like Im something to cherish, but dont treat me like I am helpless. I am strong, capable and intelligent. I dont need someone who wont let me take chances, and who wants to coddle me. I need someone who will let me jump in and help, not someone who wraps me in bubble wrap. On that note, I am a lady, dont treat me like I am one of the boys all the time.

2. I expect a man who is my equal. I dont want a man who finds himself far more superior to me in intellect, spirituality, physically or any other way. I understand that equal does not mean identical, and I would LOVE a partner that has differences that allow me to learn and grow as a person, but I find it an immediate turn off to be referred to as a 'little woman' or to feel in anyway inferior and thus in need of a 'big, strong man'.

1. There is more to me than meets the eye. I like being referred to as beautiful (not hot!) but I love it more when you praise something more substantial that my bra size. Hearing things like 'Damn, that ass is nice, Id tap that.' is such an insult and it makes me consider calling the cops on you for harassment. Dont poke fun at my size, Im 5'2" Im not porcelain. Dont oogle me in public, that is only appropriate for married couples anyway. I catch you checking out my butt all the time and I get pissed, you talk to my chest, I want nothing more than to castrate you in front of all your friends. I have many great traits that are more long lasting than the physical ones, and I am far more flattered when you notice those and compliment me on them than I am when you compliment something that the gene pool dealt me.

I hate that I have to write a process of elimination for guys, but seriously, if you saw some of the guys that have been hitting me up you would totally understand. I promise that after this lovely little rant on what I DONT want, I will write a list of the top 10 things I do want in a guy. Promise!

the first moments of my new dawn

I start classes in less than a month. I am SO excited, and I am SO scared! no really...Im terrified! Why?! I have no clue. I know that Ill be fine, that the first few weeks will be a tad awkward, but that Ill ease right into it...but right now Im so scared and I cant help wondering what Im getting into. a microscopic portion of me wants to back out, but I cant...not this close. Im on the verge of something great, I can tell, and that wide abyss of change is a lot to handle on your own. Pray for me, and maybe in a month, just call me out of the blue to offer me a word of encouragement, I have a feeling that by then, I will need it!

not a lot to say other than LIFE IS GOOD!

I dont really have a lot to say other than life is great! Im loving where my life is at right now, Im anxious to get to school, Ive let my life linger in pause and depression for too long, now its time to hit the PLAY button and get down to some serious living. Ive decided that, for the time being, I want to focus on soil testing and all the applications that go with that, after Ive obtained my degree, I want to try to get on with the LDS Church's Agricultural Department and travel to their various locations to help them produce better crops. What I really want to end up doing is to try and get on their garden projects, they have been going around to some of the places in the world that are really struggling and they teach them how to have the best garden they can possibly have. I want to do this because I want to help people. I want to make a difference in the world, I want to change lives and I want to do it all with the love of the Savior reflecting in my actions. Also, how cool would it be to help starving families in Africa, Peru or Siberia? It would be totally amazing. Im hoping that this is a possibility for me, but only time will tell for sure. I leave in a month, that is, if I get the financial aid and housing all lined out. (really, Im just waiting on them... and praying A LOT!) Im really excited, I know its going to be hard, but it is SO worth it. Im scared and nervous and excited and there are so many other things that I feel, but I cant explain any of them very well, I just feel like Ive been given another chance and I dont want to waste it.

Ive also reacently been trying to get better at my scripture study, if you read 18 pages a day you can do it in a month, I started, but Im not doing so hot...so I need to start again. Im determined to make this a habit, so Ive got to find some way to make it stick. Im open for suggestions on that front.

Also, Ive managed to irritate almost all the old ladies in my ward who get all excited when they find out Im going to school and immediately say "well, maybe this time you will find a young man and finally get married" (Ive got it like 10 times...its SO annoying!) My response is always "If I were going to school to get married I wouldnt have decided to pursue something that would make a career." Its kinda crazy, but I kinda feel like trying to date or anything at this point will only be a distraction for the things I want, Im not even sure if I would agree to go on a date at this point if I were asked...guys are all way more trouble than they are worth and I feel pretty peaceful about continuing this lack of dating in my life. its bizarre, Ive never felt this..relaxed..er..nonchalant about it. I mean, sure, Id like it someday, but not today! NOPE! Ive got a pricy piece of paper to earn first.

Lets see...what else is new? Oh! Ive been haying for my dad. Its going well! we just got all the first crop in. I took the swather on a custom cutting gig and nearly got wiped out by a semi, but I made it home in one piece, so its all good. My arm is getting all sorts of buff from running the joystick in that thing...but only one arm...its a little awkward. I feel like half of me is Brutus and the other half is Olive Oyl..and that does weird things to a girls confidence...especially since neither Brutus nor Olive were particularly attractive...but on the other hand, that incredible sunburn I got has finally turned a mild brown, so parts of my arms are not stark white anymore. The flood crisis has finally gone down, A LOT! I think in the last two weeks the water has fallen maybe 4 feet or so. Im pretty relieved about that, I was worried that we wouldnt be able to harvest two of our fields and now its looking like we might be able to get at least one crop off them if the ground has time to dry out.

Well, since nothing terribly exciting is going on, I should log off and head to bed. I hope this blog post finds you all well. I love ya, and I hope to hear from y'all soon!

Yet another poem

As I lie in bed in the middle of the night
I'm wishing for your arms to come around and hold me tight.
I feel the strains of the day wash over me like a wave
And I'm wishing you would ride in, my broken heart to save.
"How far are you?" I wonder, "How many years down the road?"
"Will the next one be my handsome prince, and not yet another toad?!"
I know God has promised me that someday you will come,
But it's so hard to remember when I'm feeling like the only lonely one.
I wish I could see your face, if only for a moment,
But the part of my path that you are on is still too far bent.
I wish my heart had a landing place, somewhere safe to rest.
Instead God thinks that these years apart are really for the best.
So as I lay in bed tonight, my heart catching on a sigh,
I'll tumble over distant dreams and hope that I don't cry.
I'll pray for you my future love, wherever you may be,
And I wish that somewhere in your sleep, that you will dream of me.

Recent adventures and a growing excitement

Its been a while since I was on here, I should have blogged about my trip days ago...but my computer is falling apart and I hate trying to get it running for long enough that I can write something, but today I had to get on anyway so I decided to take advantage of it and write it all down before I forgot.

Last weekend Mom and I went to Powell to see the campus and to get to know the town a little bit. We went through the park, neither of us have ever really got to play tourist in Yellowstone, so it was fun to be able to do that together. Then we went to the Buffalo Bill Dam, apparently it is the tallest dam in the world, who knew?! It was a pretty cool place. We passed through Cody on our way and finally made it to Powell, it is SO beautiful over there, the scenery is totally different than what I am used to, but it is stunning! We stayed at the Lamplighter Inn and it was fantastic! At first I was thinking it was another divey place, but it was really clean. The beds were SO comfy, and their restaurant had not only the BEST steak on all of creation, but it also had FRIED ZUCCHINI! Best. Birthday. EVER. The next day we went to the Singles Ward there, I hadnt noticed, but when we got out to the car, mom pointed out that there were way more boys in the ward than girls...and according to her, she had noticed quite a few decent looking guys checking me out. I hadnt noticed. No, really....I wasnt paying attention..stupid me...and I missed these guys. Fail. Thats ok, I guess that it means that things may look up for me when I get up there. :) After Sacrament meeting we went to Cody and spent the next 5 1/2 hours in the Buffalo Bill Historic Center. This place is MASSIVE. We saw maybe 1/3 of it, if we were lucky. I hope to spend much more time there. On our way back to the hotel we stopped at the Heart Mountain Memorial Park. This was the site of the third largest city in Wyoming. During WWII thousands of Japanese Americans were put into local POW type camps. They were feared to be sympathizers of the Japanese cause and there was a social hysteria of their race, so the government created these concentration camp things that were filled with thousands of people. After the 'interns' were released, the camp was totally dismantled and turned into farm land. It was pretty neat to learn all that stuff, especially considering that it is a terrible part of our nations history that very few people know about. And Heart Mountain is BEAUTIFUL, we got there just in time to see the sunset and it was just stunning. The next day we went and toured campus. Its very pretty, and pretty tiny. In comparison to BYU-I, it covers from maybe the Library down to the Spori. And unlike Rexburg, there are virtually no apartment complexes near campus to live. Basically, at this point my only options are dorms with sinks in the room...or dorms with just beds in the room. No kitchens, only meal plans. No cozy apartments with bathrooms...only communal showers. Im pretty bummed about this. Majorly bummed. At 23, the last thing I want is a 17 year old fresh out of high school child with no concept of how life works, a required meal plan and fungus ridden showers :/ but I think at this point, I have to take what I get and deal with it. After touring Campus mom and I went and met up with her friend BJ who lives up in Powell and I got to know here a little, she is pretty awesome, and Im really glad there will be someone nearby that I can go to if I need anything (like a kitchen!) We also went and got some lunch and the pharmacy soda shoppe. Their food was way tasty and there were some pretty colorful people in there, we giggled so much and it was fun! Tuesday took us to the end of the trip, and we drove home again, we swung over to old faithful and walked out to what used to be called Morning Glory Pool. Moms parents took her there once as a kid, and she remembered its vivid blues and greens and wanted to share the one thing she remembered from Yellowstone with me. We walked for quite a way to get there and finally made it. It crushed my heart to see how disappointed she was that the pool was no longer the vivid beauty that she remembered, but that instead, there was a deep orange ring around the edge and the deep colors were fading to make way for the oranges and yellows caused by pollution. It is such a shame that humans are such an invasive species with little regard to their environment or to others. I think its stupid that someone would ruin something so beautiful just because they think it might be cool to throw a pop can or a handful of change into a hot pot. I hate people sometimes. Mom and I left and made it home that night tired, but both of us were pretty excited for me to get back to school and start this new phase in life. I cant wait! :)

Please don't make me live forever, just give me this moment to love and savor

I had an interesting thought last night. Im not even really sure where it came from, but it was interesting and I'll try to share it in a way that actually makes sense.

Given the choice to drink from the Fountain of Youth and live forever, or to walk away from the Fountain of Youth and grow old and die, I would chose the latter. Living forever would be a sad and lonely existence. It would be hard to watch the world make the same mistakes over and over again. It would be terribly hard knowing that any friend you ever made would only live a small moment of your time on Earth. I think it would be boring. There is only so much you can do before you have done it all. You would cease to enjoy things as much because you have forever to enjoy it, instead of only a few moments to savor it all. So as hard and as short as life can be, I will strive harder to savor the beautiful things in life for as long as I have them. I hope you will to. Carpe Diem!

I DO care, I really do...oh, no...actually I really don't.

Every relationship, even one of animosity, requires a level of commitment and action from both parties. You might disagree, but it really is true. Bin Laden was committed to hating Americans, he acted upon it often. On the other hand, Romeo and Juliet loved each other (yes, I KNOW they are fictional characters, but go with it!)and they remained committed through their actions to the end. Most people have a hard time with the lack of relationship, I dont mean the 'I am not dating anyone' type, I mean the type where you are ambivalent of feeling toward that person. Where you have that 'Eh, whatever' type of feeling. There are several people in my life right now that I would prefer not to be in my life. I have tried to quietly cut them out without making waves and yet they persist in stirring the pot. It seems that my attempts at ambivalence are in vain, and that frustrates me. Im tired of caring what the critics think, Im tired of having to be on guard all the time because I dont know what will set someone off. I would love to cut them out of my life to make room for people that care about me as a person, who will be true friends, not 'friends' who are callous in their opinions of me and who think that our 'friendship' is an open license for constant criticism. Ive never been one of those people that everyone just loves. It bothered me once, but I dont care any more. The frank truth is that I would rather have no one in my life than to have all these people who just cause me angst. Ive also yet to figure out why, if all these critics dont like what I say or do or think or be, why do they make so much of an effort to remain in my life instead of accepting things as they are and remaining civil when needed and then politely staying out of my life. I dont think it should have to be this difficult to rid myself of dross friends. I guess the truth is, that I need to practice my ability to be passe. It seems that this is my moment of practice. Wish me luck and may I gain a result that brings me peace of mind and makes things just a little easier to handle.

WHERE ARE THE PICS?!

First off, I would like to point out the irony that this post will be totally picture free. This really is just a post to address an issue that, quite frankly, annoys the crap out of me. Of course, this requires scenarios.

Scenario 1: Boy meets Girl, Boy and Girl fall in love. Boy gives Girl shiny rock. Girl gives emphatic and possibly weepy one syllable answer. Lots of planning later, they are standing in a religious location/outdoor venue/whatever romantic place that floats their boat, in a rented tux and long white dress. Friend (being me) gets on their facebook that night to wish them a hearty, long distance congrats and what do I see?! Posts made a few hours earlier that say "congrats, WHERE ARE THE PICS?!" yes. Because that just says I care about you. I love you so much and I am so happy for you that I am going to pressure you to allow me to vicariously live through your special day. Touching sentiment, really. Inside Im thinking something like this: "Where are the pics?! Good grief! They are in the beginnings of their wedding night, and Im fairly confident in the fact that while they are in those first passionate throes of married life, they are gazing at one another and secretly thinking 'Gee, I really ought to update my facebook relationship status and post pictures that are really grainy because they are from my cell phone because the photographer hasn't even had a chance to start editing our professional ones yet. How selfish of me to be here on my wedding night instead of telling all my closest buddies and 90 strangers all about my wedding day!'" Im pretty certain thats what I would be thinking anyway.


Scenario 2: About a year after Boy and Girl have that special wedding, Boy announces that at 9:53, Girl birthed a healthy Baby. He may give stats, weight, length, name... etc. But, as a proud new papa, he is far too busy loving on his wonderful Girl and his sweet new Baby. He announces it on facebook as a courtesy and as his way of shouting to the world that He and his Girl are the happiest new parents ever! I head over to offer my congrats to the parents when yet again I see 'congrats. WHERE ARE THE PICS?!' Now my thoughts are "WHAT IS UP WITH YOU PEOPLE?! Jeeze, Girl just pushed another human into the world, she is dog tired and sore and as a new mom, probably thrilled to all get out that her Baby is healthy. Boy was with his Girl through the whole thing, holding her hand through every painful contraction and sitting in tense worry that everything goes alright. He is probably so grateful that his Girl and Baby are alright that he barely has time to phone the family before he is plastered back to their sides. Its not like they are sitting around thinking 'Gee, now that Ive successfully created life, let me just get on facebook and share all the gory pictures, videos and special moments with the world.'".

Have we, as members of this Instant Generation, with everything from instant oatmeal (because non instant is SOOO hard!) and instant messaging (because boring ol email is SO 1999!) become so addicted to instant gratification that we can't allow people to savor their first few moments as man and wife or as mother and father? You can justify that you are trying to share in their happiness, but really, wont you be just as happy with the beauty of their special moment when you see the pictures, whether in real time upload or 40 years down the road? I for one still get a kick out of the baby pictures my grandpa cherishes of his children. Or of the photo of my grandma in her wedding gown. I think I would rather be known as the friend who just wished a happy "congratulations!" on those days than to be known as the friend who harasses their way into getting the first glimpse of those personally sacred moments that frankly, do not have to be shared with the world. I guess that if my lack of documentation on those moments makes me a bad friend, fine. So be it. But you can rest assured, that when this Girl meets Boy, I will happily request that all photos of our wedding day respectfully wait a week to be posted. When we have kids, I may request even longer, I just dont know how I feel about my kids being online like that in the first place. And when that time comes, feel free to tell me how happy you are for me, and when they come, look at the pictures if you want..but please dont demand to see them. It is, after all, my right to share them in the first place.

A day in the sun at Lake Jasperson

So today I was out tying gates open with Amber. The gates need to be open so the pivot irrigating system does not munch them when it goes through, we tie them open every spring when we turn the cows out. Anyway...we finished tying the gates open and I get the brilliant idea to check the hoses and buckets for the pump to make sure they havent been washed away yet. I gather them all up and put them in the barn, and then Amber and I make the decision to ford the puddle in front of us to get home instead of going around. When I say this puddle is giant, I mean huge, massive. Measured in feet, deep. So we get the six wheeler about 1/3 of the way through. The bucket on the back is about three feet from shore when lo and behold, we get stuck. I try to back it out, but we start spinning out. I have amber crawl into the bucket and try to jump to shore, but the honest truth is that amber is not very graceful and would have probably broken an ankle attempting the jump. She rolls up her pants, ditches her shoes and plops into the mud. I throw the bike into reverse and I get a few inches...but nope. nothing. I get into the bucket and manage to rather gracefully launch myself through the air to solid ground with nary a drop of mud on me. I retrieve the shovel from the barn and we proceed to try to dig some of the more solid mud under the tires. I decide to try it again, but realize I cant reverse my leap back on to the six wheeler. I peel off my shoes and socks, tossing them into the bucket, hike my pant legs up a few more inches and gingerly step my toes into this warm, gooey mud that felt like things you do NOT want me to describe. I sink to my ankle bone, with the next step, I'm in to the bottom of my calves, and then Im to the fullest part of my calf. I climb back on and give it a shot. nothing. I rock it back and forth. nothing. throw my body weight in. nada. And the reverse boost. zilch. I wade back to shore and march, barefoot into the calving barn. The one that was never fully mucked after we finished calving. We gather a few flakes of leftover straw and stuff it where it is getting stuck, hoping to create a ramp of sorts. I wade back and try again. close but no dice. I venture into the mire again. by this time, I have a glob of mud mounted to my toenail like thick nail polish from Urban Decay (I think Id name that color as Rancid or maybe even Wallow, yech!) and a very brown line on my calves that make my legs look like they have been stained to match my headboard. I march back into the barn and find a lariat. I pull the end out and drag the honda to the rear axle. loop it around, run the end through, VOILA! problem solved! we play tug of war with this very stuck machine and I finally start contemplating that I may have to swallow my pride and call someone to pull me out and that I may have to cram my now filthy feet back into my shoes. gross. amber suggests she pull while I try to drive it out one more time. By this time, I wade fearlessly into the muck and mount the six wheeler one last time. Amber pulled and I nudged. I rocked with every single one of my 122 pounds and she pulled again. and would you believe that we actually succeeded in pulling that thing out?! it was incredible! Empowering! I felt like Shee-Ra the gladiator queen! I had mud splattered on my face, dribbling around my arm and spattered on my jeans, I wore it on my feet like half boots. I was a little sweaty, I smelled like river water and slightly stagnant puddle of doom. And as I stood there a little stunned, looking with amber at the fact that we had indeed just rescued my very favorite contraption from the worlds hungriest puddle, I felt sexy. (trust me, I was stunned at that revelation too) I felt all strong and sassy and triumphant, I can only imagine how bedraggled we really looked, but I have never felt more attractive in any capacity than I did at that moment. We departed triumphant, muddy and with the beginnings of a sunburn, but it was a fantastic moment and embarrassment at getting stuck in the first place aside, it will be one of the happier moments of my life. Also, looking back on that moment now, I realized how important it is to me to have a man that looks on this episode with a silly pride, the kind that will make him shake his head and laugh, saying "thats my woman!" Not the kind of man that either refuses to let me ride at all or insists that he needs to come in and me be my hero when I get stuck. I dont want a man that has to ride in all the time proclaiming "Here I come to save the day!" (in my head that is sung like Mighty Mouse does it! haha!) Nope, I want a man who thinks my ingenuity is cute, that my determination is tenacious and who thinks that my tromping through giant puddles barefoot as a result of my ingenuity and determination is just a little sexy too...cuz heaven knows that if I can feel sexy doing that, it shouldnt be wasted on someone who wont appreciate it! :D

The best dad I ever had.

I have a couple of stories I want to share, these stories are about a man that I love with all my heart. A man who, through examples both good and bad have given me a template of the kind of person I want to be and also the kind of man I want to marry. This person is my dad. The first story takes place a few winters ago when we had a huge blizzard come in and the snowplow broke down, my dad got in our snowblower and blew out the roads in case there were any emergencies, all 5 miles of deep packed snow in a swather. I remember being deeply impressed with how concerned he was for our neighbors and how disappointed I was when no one tried to help him or even offer their thanks. The next story happened last Tuesday when we were in Abilene, Kansas. We were fueling up when a guy came over and asked us for cash, he said that he has forgot his wallet and really needed the gas. I had no cash and half jokingly offered him a slice of the pizza I had just bought instead. My dad turned and gave him some money, and the guy told us about how he was trying to hurry to Colorado to be with his girlfriend as her mom was going through another surgery for her advanced breast cancer. We wished him well and with help from a few other people he was on his way again. When my grandpa found out that dad had given him money, he was really mad. He told my dad that it was foolish to help someone bumming for money. I was so proud of my dad when he simply responded that helping those in need is something that we should jump at the opportunity for. The last story happened Saturday. I work at a hotel, and we had some guests that drove up from Utah to go horn hunting (Looking for the shed antlers of elk) and they had just found out that only a few days earlier the season had been postponed a few weeks. They were all really upset that they had driven all the way up to go horn hunting and would once again return home empty handed, so I told them they could go on our ranch. Dad showed them where to go, and when they came back with a few, he dragged out the ones we had in our basement and helped them find the mate to one they had found and sold the rest to them for $60 instead of the near $1500 that it should have been. When I asked him why he did that he said that they would get more enjoyment out of them that we would and it was worth it to see a handful of antlers make people, even complete strangers, happy. My dad isn't the best person on the planet, and sometimes he drives me totally crazy, but I feel pretty blessed to have a dad that has taught me the value of hard work and compassion for those around me. My mom is a pretty lucky lady to have a guy who tries to do the best for his family, who loves God and his fellow man, who listens to peoples concerns and who makes people laugh. Sure he is a little impatient, and can be a grumbly, obstinate, grouch...but he is also one of the very best men I have ever met. I hope that one day I can be as lucky as my mom is and find someone at least as great as my dad is.

Strength from Unexpected Places

This song has been rolling thorough my head lately and Im finding that its giving me the courage I need to continue on this path that Ive started. I finished the application for NW today. Its only a matter of time, Im terrified and so nervous, but I am SO excited! Pray for me that this works out! Think about this song and consider the things you want to do, then find the courage and go for it! I love you all!

"Whats worth the prize is always worth the fight."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXIQQ8PeRs

All sorts of crazy shiz..

Well, first off, welcome to my new, private blog. I went private because there were a few people that would read my blog and then call me up to tell me how horrible my writing is, how horrible I am and then in the same breath ask if I want to hang out that night...and they wonder why Im upset...stupid men...oi! So I went private in an effort to fully cut them out of my life forever.

Which makes this news even more special for me since they told me recently that I was unattractive because I didnt finish college and I still live with my parents. (Um..HELLO?! have you SEEN the economy and the rent rates lately?! of COURSE I live with my parents!) again..stupid men..

ok, so here is my big news..ready?!

Ive decided to go to northwestern college in Powell, Wy and study agroecology, emphasizing in agrononmy. Soils, Insects and Plants. Heck Yeah! Im stoked! Ive just felt like its time for me to get out of Star Valley, with its striking mountains and soul moving skyscapes..but there are people here that make me cry. and jobs here that make me frustrated..and if I stay here much longer with all the weird crap about my love life being everyones business..Ill be going away anyway...but handcuffs is not how I want to leave here. nope...best I leave now before I commit murder. Im excited for this new phase in life. Agronomy is something I've been good at and passionate about for years, and Im super thrilled to have found something that feels so right, that will make a difference in the world, a HUGE difference! I'll have the opportunity to meet new people, do new things and live a life not stagnant. and...well...I dont want to say its the most important thing, but...its been two years, and my obliterated heart finally grew back titanium strong and open for love. I know it wont happen immediately...it could take several more years, but Im content with that. Im comfortable knowing that the man that finally does take that chance on me will be getting a better version of me than he could have before.

So I say bring on the wheelbarrows of homework...and the fact that Ill probably have organic chemistry..*gulp!* Bring on the drunken classmates and having to explain to yet one more soul that Im quite ok without the drink. Bring on a change of scene and living on ramen, the weird FHE brothers and an 8 and a half hour drive home on dry roads. Bring on a chance at living, a chance at love and a chance to be the change. Im grasping this with both hands and hanging on for dear life...haha I got bucked off, but Ive dusted myself off and Im getting back in the saddle. And this time, Im gonna succeed. What can I say? triumph, its in my blood!

A poem for my newlywed grandpa

So my grandpa, this fantastic, opinionated, big hearted, obstinate and totally wonderful man, is getting married today, as in...4 hours. Some people in my family arent quite sure about what to think, but personally, Im thrilled! My grandpa has had some pretty rough luck in the love department, and I cant think of many people that deserve to be happy more than he does. Now, because Im poor, I didnt get him some big elaborate gift, (which is ok, because they requested no gifts anyway) but I did write him a poem (which Im really hoping is more touching than cheesy) Anyway, here it is.

Pull Together

Something my grandpa always did teach,
when something I lacked seemed beyond reach.
He'd harness his horses and lend me an ear,
but more often than not I was the one who would hear,
of times that were hard and of friends that were kind.
His stories always seemed to soothe my mind.
He taught me to be tough, but to learn how to love,
to give help to your neighbor and trust in help from above.
He taught that my relationship with the Lord
was something to be cherished and adored.
That He pulls hard and I have to pull too.
That equal partnership will always pull me through.
I came to see that what makes a good horse team
are the same things that give a marriage strong seams.
Dedication and heart, willing to work and forgive,
these are things that all lovers must live.
For with husband and wife pulling side by side,
and the power of God making them sanctified.
With Christ leading the way, til we get to the end,
when we find eternal life with our lover and friend.
So when times get tough, as they are apt to do,
Pray Often, Stay Strong and together, Pull Through.

Congratulations Grandpa and Tamera!

Good friends are like a good bra

They say that good friends are like good bras, always there for support and always close to your heart. I have friends that are as fantastic and as colorful as Victoria Secret. But Ive been thinking, that bad friends are like DI lingerie, cheap, offering as little support as possible and finding as many ways as possible to showcase all your flaws to the world. I guess that in that regard, I know many people that count as DI sexies instead of haut coutour. However, there are three friends who are my shining diamonds, the people I can count on through thick and thin, and I feel like they deserve a little recognition.

Cat, we were roommates in college, she was transferred into my room at the last minute, and I have never been more grateful! She is the sister that I have always wanted, she makes me laugh, and I know that I can call her bawling and she wont be too busy for me. She wore a blue ribbon the day that my mom has her reattachment surgery, she always calls me on my birthday, and sends me letters..in the mail..just because she loves me, and she would bring me dinner when I was working in the theater because she knew that I was too busy to eat and she knew I would forget to eat for days at a time. I can be totally myself with her, and who I am is always just fine for her. I miss her every day, when I have the crappiest days on the planet, she is the first one I call, and while getting her to answer is sometimes tricky, I always try to say something funny on her voicemail because I know she will need a laugh just at the moment she hears it. I hope she knows just how much I love her, because I know my world would be a far more gloomy place without her in it.

Brian, we were technicians on the same show in college, and I quickly came to love Brian Bear, he has the biggest heart Ive ever met. He is full of wisdom that surpasses that of most men I have met. He has this incredible gift of clarity and empathy, and more importantly, Christlike love. I have rarely heard him say a negative thing about anyone. He was the first person I called after my fiancé broke up with me, and despite it being finals week, when he could have been studying, he ran to my house and held me as I cried. He was the only one that stayed with me in those ultimate dark days, he listened to my fears and insecurities and my hopes and dreams and keeps them safe. He didn't make fun of me when I called him and I told him that I was dancing in the pouring rain with a baked potato in my hand. He has never gotten upset with me when we have differing views of life. He and his wonderful wife are some of my very, very favorite people on this planet, and I am thankful that the Lord put us in the same path.

Dennis, we were in the same humanities class. Except I didnt really notice him until a few months later when I was running around with some other friends and they stopped in to visit a friend of theirs, who happened to be Dennis. He never laughs at my weird recipes, or odd cravings, he always reminds me that there are really fantastic men still left in this world. He always manages to say those things that I need to hear without being callous. He is so compassionate and never lets me give up those things that I really want. He and his wife are two people that I count myself lucky to know.

These are just a few of the great people I know. Within the last few weeks they have done things that just make them incredibly amazing in my book. They were there when I needed a friend the most, they touched my heart with their simple thoughtfulness and they are people I can depend on. They are some of the best things that have ever happened to me, and I love them all so very dearly. Thanks for having my back even though you are far away from where I am. Thanks for being reliable and loving even though I am not where you can see me, and most of all, thanks for the sweet little things that you do that remind me how blessed I am to have true friends.

Three years guys, you made it, THANKS!

Enough and my new understanding of the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

Ive been thinking a lot lately about the word ENOUGH. Enough implies a fullness, a completeness to a specific topic. Like if you are doing something annoying, then 'Enough" tells you that whatever you were doing is completely annoying. If you are making something then "enough" tells you that however much you have made is the complete amount to satisfy a need. But I will be totally honest. Enough is not a word I use to describe myself.Im not tall enough, not skinny enough, not tough enough, I dont feel pretty enough to catch anyones eye, I dont feel smart enough to gain an education properly, I dont feel talented enough to be good enough, I dont feel like I do enough to make people happy enough with me. And just when I think I am enough, something happens to convince me otherwise. A friend severs contact with me because I do something that falls short of their Enough-limit. Someone very close to me shakes me up with another "You dont do things right enough" speech. I lose a job because my efforts arent enough. I look back through my life and I cant tell you many instances where who I am and what I do are enough...and its driving me to utter despair. I just want to meet that elusive enough with just one person on this earth...and I cant..no matter what I do, my best is never enough. There is, however, one bright ray of sun in all this enough-worry. There is one person that I am, always have been and always will be ENOUGH for. Jesus Christ. I find deep comfort in knowing that when the time came to Atone for the sins and suffering of the entire world, I was worthy enough to be on His mind. I was good enough for Him to die for, and that if He had to do it over, just for me, that He would. In the eyes of my God, I am still deeply, chronically and beautifully flawed, but I am enough. This knowledge frequently resonates through me, and, like the sound waves that ripple outward from the paddle of a tolling bell, sometimes a wave of enoughness hits me, topples me down to my knees and brings tears to my eyes. Today happens to be one of those days. The last few weeks have been tough. I was laid off and hired at a new job within only a few days. I really struggle with this job, but dont dare tell anyone because I am constantly reminded that I just need to be more grateful that I have one. I work with several peers that are very adept at what they do, they are intelligent, resourceful and very talented individuals who have been doing this for a very long time. I hop from job to job, with a wide array of menial talents that are rarely useful in the real world, I havent got a clue what I am doing but I blunder through praying that this tangled mess of information will sort itself out in my head before I make a huge mistake. In the mean time I try to keep the panic from my eyes and hope no one sees my vast inadequacies. Also competing for attention in my mind is the knowledge that everyone around me is married and pregnant and that my ring finger is barren and will continue to be until I am ENOUGH (Im really starting to hate that word!). I know it annoys everyone else, but I was programmed to not be alone, and feeling alone for the last 23 years have really NOT helped me squash the feeling of needing someone in my life, sometimes I feel so achingly lonely I cant breathe, I find myself having full conversations in my head to someone who I fear will never be in my life otherwise. So I pretend that I dont really want it anyway, when truthfully, I would walk across the Sahara stark naked to get it if I had to. And finally in the last few weeks I have been involved in quite a few disagreements that have been major blows to me and meant nothing to the other parties. In short, the last few weeks have been full of every reason under the sun that I am an inadequate failure at life, and its very frustrating. Dont get me wrong, there have been happy, fantastic moments, but the frustration was lurking just below.


This wave hit me as I was sitting in a meeting at work today that was going overtime. I had to skip the first two hours of church to attend this meeting, and as I am watching the clock move closer to the time sacrament meeting starts I feel this overwhelming prompting of the spirit saying "You need the sacrament today, you need it NOW. You are enough for this, and the Lord wants you to have this, it cannot wait." As soon as the meeting was over I took off running to my car, I sped the entire way, trying to get to the chapel before it was too late...and I walked in, just as they were passing the sacrament, the chapel doors were shut and I was denied entrance. Ive never, ever CRAVED sacrament before like that. Even now, I feel the gnawing hunger in my soul that only that ordinance can fill. As I sat in the foyer silently sobbing, This startling realization came to me. I was not alone in that hunger. Christ himself taught of it when he said:

"1Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

2And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.

3They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:

4But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.

5While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

6And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.

7Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

8And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.

9But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

10And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

11Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.

12But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.

13Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh."

I felt like a foolish virgin with not enough oil, and although this circumstance was out of my control, I could only imagine how the 5 virgins would feel, standing at the door and being denied entrance and access to the Savior and his redeeming ordinances. It was a sobering moment for me. So while I may still struggle with my feelings on inadequacy and loneliness, I find peace in knowing that the Lord loves me and in His eyes, I am enough. So while the rest of you will choose to stay or to leave, to love me for my lack of enough or to hate me because I embarrass you with my lack thereof, I can still smile, because my enough is enough for the one who counts, and as long as I am making the effort, that will never change.

Day 8

Day 8: Something heart shaped. I have three of these handmade Hmong heart pendants hanging in my room.

Day 7

Day 7: A picture of something I love. Is there anything prettier than this? Home? I think not. Wyoming is better than Disneyland, this truly is the happiest place on earth. There is clean air and water, open space and the prettiest scenery of all of God's Earth. The people are friendly, most would be willing to drop everything to help someone in need, even if they are a total stranger. I love this place with all my heart and soul and the thought of leaving makes me sad. Every time I leave, even if its a day trip, I feel this immense joy surging through me by just crossing the state line. This picture, to me, says more than 'Welcome to Wyoming' it says 'Welcome Home'.

Day 6

Day 6: My favorite quote in my handwriting.

Day 5

Day 5: A place that makes me happy.

Day 4

So its been CRAZY the last few days, so I need to play catch up! hope you enjoy!

Day 4: A picture of me 10 years ago. Oi...8th grade...lol what an awkward age.

Day 3

Day three: A picture of your favorite book

Ok..well I read way too much to have a favorite book, but I have a favorite series, and it is the Leven Thumps series, they are clever, well written and make me laugh, even though Ive read them probably 10 times. I just found out that the movie rights have been sold and its currently in pre-production phase, it should be out by late 2012! YAY!

Nervous and yet hopeful

So...I have a job interview tomorrow and Im SUPER nervous, and so what do I do when Im nervous or scared or excited? (I ramble and have run-on sentances?) I write poetry. More often than not it comes out SUPER retarded or way too profound to share with the rest of the world, but every now and then, I get courageous to share my poems..the really good ones...and usually I get this nasty backlash over them, and I get scared to post anything else, but I REALLY dont see what anyone can say about this one that is negative. So...Im taking a chance here, and Im going to post it. Tell me what you think, and PLEASE pray for me say 10ish MST when I go in for this interview. <3

It seems the sun had been gone far too long,
Like its done nothing but pour since who knows when.
Lately it seems the the dam is close to breaking,
And once again the walls start closing in.

But I feel the tides turning, my luck starting to change.
I cant stop everything from happening, but Im trying to learn to dance in the rain.

Ive felt like the deck is stacked against me,
Like Im setting myself up for the fall,
Ive been way too scared to jump til now,
Wondering if there was anyone left to catch me at all.

But I see the clouds breaking, The thunder starts to fade away.
The sun starts shining and it’s the beginning of a beautiful new day.

I feel like life has given me a second chance.
Like there is nothing but smooth sailing ahead.
I find Im smiling more than I have in so long,
And I feel relief at all this angst Ive shed.

I see the end of the tunnel. I feel my future growing bright.
I shake off all the chains holding me down, and turn my face to the light.

Day 2

Day Two: A picture that makes me happy


I love my daddy, he makes me happy (Dad is the moose antlers portion of this insanity.) I know that with my dad I can be 100% me and not worry about what he thinks. He will always be there for me and I love that.

Day 1

A picture of yourself taken on the first day of the challenge.

Ive decided to do a 100 day photo challenge, Ive always thought these kinds of things were fun, so Ill give it a shot, besides, who can complain about pictures right!? :D

New Beginning

January is a time for new beginnings, hopefully I'll get a new job that will allow me to grow as a person, and hopefully some of the major changes Im making in my life will stick this time. Despite what everyone thinks, I am very happy with things, Yes, there are far too many things that are out of my control and that frustrates me, I hate feeling up in the air, but I know that the Savior will catch me. :) He always does. Well, since my interview for the day is suddenly not happening, I have some errands to run and then Im hunkering down with some old projects that I need to finish :) Wish me luck blogland!

Thought of the day.

I have too much to say and no where to say it. I write too much to make up for that. Sorry. :/ Ill try to be better. (Also, this might be the shortest blog post Ive ever written. Arent you proud?!)

The first thing I am going to do when the snow is gone

I love running. I miss running. I strained my knees in junior high and ever since then, if I run in the cold my knees swell up to the size of large navel oranges. Depressing. I want to go running SO bad! I need to feel the burn in my legs. I need to feel my insanely small (size 7 1/2, seriously small) feet feeling out the uneven surface of the soil as they alight in the hills and valleys of the path I run. I am fleet and surefooted, I know that many people will snicker at this, but I am, and its something I am very proud of. My dad calls me a gazelle. No one else in my family can match a cow head on and anticipate her changes like I can. No one else can pace a sprinting calf, driving it to where it is safely contained in a dog pen. When I run, all the tension and anxiety comes out. The voices in my head are silenced and all the issues in my world slowly fade away until all I feel is the swing of my hips, the pounding of my feet against the soil matching the pounding in my chest, my knees absorbing the shock of the uneven terrain, and the steady pull of the muscles in my upper back and shoulders. For me, running is an all out escape. It proves that I am not a weakling, it tests my strength and endurance, I always try to 'go a little farther, dig a little deeper'. Its like fasting, its good for me and it submits my physical needs to the needs of my spirit. Take THAT natural man! The last few days I have had this image in my mind of a steep rocky mountain path. At the summit is a clear view of the Valley, wildflowers grow in abundance there and to the north there is a thickening expanse of trees. I see myself running up this mountain path, (Ok...its more like trudging, its really is too steep to consider it running) and then reaching the summit. I can feel the sun warming my body and hear the pounding of my heart in my ears. I sit on a rock, soaking up the sun loving the serenity around me, savoring the painful ache in my muscles. This feeling of total joy washes over me and a voice in my mind whispers 'I Love You'. There I sit, in my minds eye, a gentle breeze playing with the loose tendrils of my hair as I look at the place I love most in the entire world and I feel so blessed. I can't wait for winter to be over, I miss my alone time, my moments to connect with my Heavenly Father in peace. I miss the first rays of sun cresting the mountains and a flurry of birds singing starts up. I miss the mountain air the scent of rich earth and sweet grasses permeating the air like the sweetest perfume. Tee shirts, light sunburns (because I cant ever get a decent tan), driving to clear my head, picking myself bouquets of wildflowers, color...man, I miss color in my world. Yes, I am ready for spring. Not the nasty, icky, muddy part of spring, but the first day I can go out and run, then that image in my incredibly vivid imagination will become reality. That day is the day I disappear all day, no where to be seen, but soaking up the sun and loving every second of well cooked skin cells that come with it, and then, in that moment, I will be free from everything on my mind. And that right there is the happiest thing in my future :)

Ladies and Gentlemen...well...not really.

I had an interesting conversation the other day. I had just come out of a fireside by Elder Christofferson (AMAZING btw) and was waiting for my next meeting to start. I was sitting with a girl friend and a brother in my ward who are both single. We were talking about how hard it is to be single, and how many people in our Mormon subculture aren't as understanding of early 20's singlehood (or in the case of the brother in my ward, how hard it is to date after a long marriage ends in divorce.) We were in the middle of our talk when one of the councilors in my ward walked in. He sat and listened to us talk for a few minutes, quietly hearing my friends talk about how they felt like they were of less worth to the ward families. Of how people made rash assumptions and how many were callous and tactless in their questions to them. He heard me say that someone insisted that because I wasn't married I wasn't fulfilling my divine purpose and that the Lord was not pleased with me. We spoke of our frustrations and concerns that people wouldn't take us seriously as long as we were single. He said not a word. After a few moments, my friends left and I followed the councilor to an office where we were joined by members of the Relief Society and the Elders Quorum. We sorted things out, I felt immense relief, having prayed earlier in the week for the Lord to send someone to help alleviate my stress, to help me not have to do it all on my own. As we were walking out of the building we began talking. I realized that the older members of the church aren't trying to haze or pressure my generation into premature and unhappy marriage, but they are deeply concerned with many social trends that they see now. I agree. The person from the EQ said that he noticed that so many guys seem to have these really bad experiences when they get back from their missions, and that makes them hesitant to pursue a long term relationship. The lady from RS said that too few men don't act like gentlemen, and too few women act like ladies. The member of the bishopric noted that too many of us have become complacent in what we want thinking that we have to conform to the pressure and don't wait for the right one, or in turn make ourselves the right one. They were genuinely saddened when I said that I believe in love, but that I don't believe it exists for me. They were very upset when I said that I had been treated too badly in the past to believe that any one's intentions toward me are honest and kind. I said that I hoped someone someday would be persistent and gentle enough to prove me wrong, but that I wasn't going to wait for it. I have other dreams to seek. We talked for an hour, and I left with many thoughts in my head. I heard their words ringing through my brain, spurring me to action. I have sat back recently and noticed many problems of my generation (yeah, I know...I talked about this in my last post), and many of these problems I am guilty of as well.

Many people these days are choosing to delay marriage and a family in order to have n 'established career'. There is nothing wrong with having a career, or waiting for a family until you are ready, but ready isn't when you have a perfect house, no debt and a 401K. Ready is when you are capable of making a commitment to one person and keeping that commitment. I will be the first person to admit that this is a SCARY idea! (like jumping out of a plane scary, so many things can go so horribly wrong and there's nothing you can do to get back in the plane, but so many things can go so wonderfully right and you can land safe and sound (and not alone)...but you will never know either way until you jump.) Also along this line, many people aren't willing to sacrifice their dreams for their partner or their family. Nor is it fair of anyone to expect their partner to sacrifice everything for the other person to achieve their dreams, but in order to have successful marriage, compromise is key. For me, any guy who expects me to become the ideal 1950's housewife is kicked straight to the curb. I can and will compromise until the perfect solution can be found, but I will not allow a man to dictate what things I may and may not do. That isn't right.

When the lady in my RS presidency said that men aren't gentlemen and women aren't ladies, I wholeheartedly agree! Before you begin scoffing, think about the last time you had a door held open for you/held a door open for someone. Did you smile and say 'Thank you'? Did you ignore the person holding the door. I remember going to the Sadie Hawkins dance my senior year. the girls in the group thought that since they had asked the guys, they should hold the doors, it really bothered every guy in our group. They wanted to treat us like ladies and we weren't allowing them. If I could go back to my 17 year old self that night, I would smack me! Girls these days (saying that makes me feel old) think that its acceptable to act like less than they are. They are the mothers of the human race. They are as noble as a queen. Or they should be. I don't always act like I am.

There used to be clear definitions for men and women. Men protected the weak and innocent. Women nurtured and beautified. Together you had a safe haven of peace, discipline and beauty. While I believe that its sexist to say that women cant wear pants or be judges or make laws, I am a little disheartened that I have few reasons to feel like a woman anymore. Outside of church, I have no reason to wear nice clothes or put on makeup. If I make a special effort to look nice, people become critical of my efforts because we live in a jeans and tee shirt society. I am a secretary, and if I wear anything more than my jeans, boots and hoodie, including nice jewelry, my coworkers notice and its disheartening because its like my efforts to feel like a woman aren't appreciated. Women used to be courted, now they are one of the guys until another guy wants to marry them...wait..HUH?! yeah...I feel like many guys want a low maintenance girl. Which is fine and dandy, but every guy I have dated, EVERY SINGLE ONE, insisted that I stop making the effort to make myself feel beautiful using cute but irritating reasons like "Don't wear makeup, you don't need it,"coupled with "besides, its expensive." or "Don't wear heels, it makes you walk slow." (ok, the last one is just irritating, not cute) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I feel like men and women have been put into this melting pot where you come out with a generations of thems, or its or whatever..and its depressing because some of us want the distinction of masculine/feminine.

Ok, I'm getting long winded...yet again, so I'll wrap up for now, but I would like to hear everyone else's thoughts. :)

Death by iPod and other thoughts on Gen Y

Sometimes, when I see other people in my generation, it makes me feel like the smartest one in the litter. Now anyone who knows me well, can say that I don't think I'm the shizznit or anything, but I feel very comfortable in saying that when I look at others in my age bracket, I feel like I should be in the top 10%. What?! you don't believe me?! Well, fine! Ill give you some examples of why I feel that way.

I can spell. Granted, every now and then, Ill have a mistake, which is pretty normal. But I don't add or subtract letters, I don't write words using numbers. I don't write words using only one letter. In other words, I don't write like everything is a text (and even in my texts I am fairly correct in my spelling). I feel like the English language is being murdered. I shudder to think what literature will be like in 50 years. Perhaps it will cease to exist as the baby boomer generation dies off. A life without books?! No thank you! I don't know about you, but I HATE trying to decipher emails/texts/facebook posts where they write like "DUDE! im 2 crzy 4 U! UR GOIN DWN!" huh?! Or where people always write the same word wrong like 'tomarrow', 'rite' 'brake' instead of 'break' and 'grate' (As in 'I had a great day', not 'There is a grate on the floor'). BAH! DRIVES ME CRAZY!

I don't like my flesh flashing the world, and I hate underwear making grand public entrances on a regular basis. Now I understand that not everyone in my generation does this, and we have SLIGHTLY evolved from the super baggy pants of the mid 90's (remember the ones with the foot long back pockets?) and the jersey type shirts with brightly colored bras underneath, but I still feel great discomfort at seeing someones boxers hanging out. A belt is one of the best accessories to own. I suggest you buy one. I also feel rather uncomfortable at seeing too much of ones decolletage, midriff or thighs. If I wanted to see a naked woman, I'd take a shower, thanks. I avoid swimming pools because all that skin makes me feel rather awkward. I know some people love it because it feels liberating, but for me, being the Queen of White (because red is my only other option and is far less comfortable) I feel very exposed in a swim suit. Ever single flaw in my stark white body is on display, and that's just too much for me. (Yeah, I know...Ill be the bride that hides under the covers having a minor panic attack..but that is an ENTIRELY different story all together.) Anyway, tangent aside, one thing that drives me nuts about my generation is their compelling need to follow the old adage "If you have got it, flaunt it." Ive heard that the sexiest thing about a person is imagination. Its about dressing in a manner that is tasteful and appropriate. Gen Y, its NOT that hard, come on!

I have common sense. I learned at an early age to pay attention to my surroundings. I grew up with a dog who only had three legs, she had been running along side our swather (hay mowing machine) and a loud noise startled her. She jumped into the swather and it cut a leg off. Because of that early instilled lesson that not paying attention can have serious repercussions, I notice things that others won't. Case in point: This morning, my commuter bus was nearing my stop, when a woman walking down the side of the road gradually began to get more in our lane. We all thought she was simply walking around the car next to her, that is, until she was right in the middle of our lane and still hadn't seen us. The driver hit his brakes and I was seriously hoping his tires found purchase instead of locking up and sliding right over her. He got stopped in time, we were about 4 feet away, and this woman still hadn't seen us. The driver honked his horn in frustration and she turned and gave us one of those obnoxious courtesy waves where they aren't waving to be friendly, they wave because the feel socially obligated to acknowledge your presence. I noticed that she had slim, white wires dangling from her ears and we all instantly knew why she hadn't heard the bus rumbling down the road or why she hadn't heard us trying to stop. Her iPod was more than likely cranked up to a decibel level unsafe for human ears at that range. That's fine, I like my iPod just as much as the next person, but when I am walking down the street listening to music, I look several times before I cross the street. Its just common sense. Call me crazy, but I don't think that my music is great enough to die over. I saw a less extreme version while I was in school. People would be walking to class and would have their heads hunched down, buds jammed in their ears, tunes cranked WAY up. No one would talk to anyone else, no one said hi, seemed friendly in any manner, or acted like they cared. I saw a girl sitting on some steps one day on campus, bawling her eyes out. Probably 25 people walked past her, totally ignorant of her distress, wanting to help, I walked toward her, but she was so upset that she jumped up and ran off before I could get close enough to help. It made me sick thinking that so many people are that self absorbed that they can't unplug for 10 minutes. That they can't even stand upright and look the world in the eyes, smile on their face while they jam out to their favorite song.

Ok, so this post is getting a little long, so Ill only share one last thought with you.

Generation Y looks like a bunch of morons. I know this thought was already covered a little bit when I was talking about excess flesh, but this is more than that. My generation has this compulsion to be 'individual'. Right on. I can respect that. But too many of them don't realize that in order to be truly individual, you have to live a life that is full of good works, being true to your divine self, and fulfilling the ultimate role that fate has for you. Getting an exorbitant amount of tattoos, dying your hair snot green and being able to fit 12" rims in your earlobes isn't being individual. Its following a social trend of mock individualism. Being a leader in your community, making a difference, becoming someone that people can look up to, THAT is what being an individual is.

If I could somehow make my voice heard, to tell all my fellow Gen Y'ers something useful, Id tell them to grow up, pull your head out and do something great! We are living in the most technologically advanced time in the history of man. There are very few things that are impossible and we are WASTING it! Life owes you nothing, but you owe your life nothing but the best. Learn from yesterday, live in today and plan for tomorrow.

random thoughts.

I am full of random thoughts. No..really..my entire day has been like this:

I am awake at 5:07 because I got a text and it made me smile.

I really dont want to go to work, but if I have to, Im going to make it better by having peanut butter sandwiches before the sunrises...and I HATE eating that early!

Sleeping in the car and dreaming about some chick whose apartment was a revamped public bathroom, and she then fell in love with a giant man and had his baby..who was not a giant...oddly..Hmm...that must be why I dont eat peanut butter.

I wake up in the backseat and my first thought was "I wake up in the backseat FAR to often."

My coworker and I discussed the pros and cons to eating bunnies as opposed to chickens....really...bunnies win. They are the ultimate food. Tender, flavorful, and they reproduce in a infamously quick way..I really dont know why you cant get rabbit meat at the grocery store.

I called the JC Pennys line 3 times today and I get a person on the line immediatley every time. I think "HOW LUCKY AM I?!"

I eat chili for lunch and wish I had some fritos to go with that.

I open my chili with a broken can opener, so I have to 'chomp' the opener down, scoot it over and repeat. For some reason that made me feel like a lizard....yeah...dont even ask...I think thats the Peanut Butter talking again.

I look outside, and see the sun shining, the amber light everywhere and its AMAZING! I feel like it should be spring. I notice the temperature is hanging near zero and I get rather indignant that the sun is LYING TO ME! HOW DARE IT!

I look at the chinese symbol for rabbit on my desktop and I think it looks more like a horse...but whatever..

Im thinking that I love my calling, I really do...but I feel like its very under appreciated, and I dont know what to do to make the YSA program better. Its very depressing to think that most of the YSAs in the valley would rather stay home alone all the time than get together and do fun things. (which means that only the WEIRD people attend activities....*Sigh*)

Im thinking that when I get home, Im going to hunker down with my homework spread all over my bed, Emerson Drive tooting out of my hearty phone speakers (YAY ANDREW! :D) and Im going to munch down a handful of my very favorite Dove Chocolates because for once Hunter heard what I was saying and bought me a bag for Christmas.

Which reminds me, I need to find out what he wants...he only pays attention when he wants something....

Im also thinking that I love pay day.

That I hate 'Did You Hear About the Morgans'.

That my shirt smells like a puppy scrubbed in Head and Shoulders...with only a miniscule amount of drool. Yeah...I kinda really love dogs. :)

That my parents are late picking me up, AGAIN. That feeling makes me feel like a second grader.

I want to go hot tubbing.

BUT, I dont want to look like a chunky snowwoman in my bikini...so maybe that should just be a moment in my imagination.

on the flip side...I keep losing weight but gaining...chub...its very depressing...I USED to feel sexy...now I just feel...well..not sexy...bummer...

which also leads to "it doesnt matter. you dont have anyone to look sexy for, so forget that and be happy with your chocolate." Ok. I think I will

I got my hair cut...short...I havent had it this short since elementary school. My hair used to be super short, and I got mistaken for a boy at a family reunion once. Sad story. So I grew my hair out really long because I thought it was pretty. and Guys like long hair. well every guy Ive dated refused to let me cut my hair. I feel a little sassy with shorter hair because its like "HA! TAKE THAT DORKS!" besides...it makes really cute pony tails, Id rather be cute and save shampoo than sexy and controlled.

and now Im thinking that its payday, my dad is here, and I am going home! :D