RIP Bud - The Best Dog-Gone Friend

A Dog's Prayer

To Those Who Love Me

When I am gone, release me, let me go-
I have so many things to see and do.
You must not tie yourself to me with tears,
Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess
How much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you have each shown.
But now it is time I traveled alone.
So grieve awhile for me if grieve you must,
Then let your grief be comforted by trust,
It is only for a while that we must part,
So bless the memories within your heart,
I will not be far away, for life goes on,
So if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can not see or touch me, I will be near.
And if you listen with your heart, you will hear
All my love around you soft and clear.
And then, when you must come this way alone,
I will greet you with a smile and "Welcome Home".
-author unknown

Dear Bud -

Thanks for the memories. For all the times you dried my tears. For the times you made me laugh. For the times you made sure I was not alone. Thank you for 16 years of happiness and loyal friendship. I will miss you sleeping by my feet, comforting me on rainy days.

When I had no one, I had you.

It's time for me to release you so you can go be free. Free without pain. Free to live a young life. Free to be with your best friend, Connor, again.

I love you and will never forget you.

I admit: My son is processed

Now that things have slowed down. I promise to get back to my regular blogging schedule next week. A Marketing post on Monday's and the Round Up on Fridays. And a whole lot of crazy in between. I know you all are not coping with out them so never fear. :)

Today, I'm going to regress and talk about something personal.

My freaky eater.

My processed son.

(And don't let this picture fool you. He's a little devil:)

Now, I had no idea what a picky eater was until I birthed one. I used to watch SuperNanny and Nanny 911, laughing evilly at the parents who could not get their kids to eat. Mwwwhhhhaaaaaaa.

Then my son came. Wow! I had no idea how stressful it was. I don't care who you are when your kid doesn't eat, and is a little bony, and his Dr. is on your case to get him to gain weight - its' stressful.

My first child, my daughter is an amazing eater! I guess I did everything right. By the book. Introduced veggies before fruit. Let her try one at a time. Gradually added in stuff. No juice until she was 2. No eating in front o f the TV. Now, (thank goodness) she will eat anything, better than me. She will try anything once and she loves fruits and veggies.

Then there is my son - the Freaky Eater.

Now, first I have a disclaimer. I don't know if you've watched the new show on TLC called Freaky Eaters. If you have a bad eater, watch it. It will make you feel so much better about your own. I started watching it thinking "Great, other people are freaky eaters too. Maybe I can learn something from them."

Well, I was wrong.

Those people eat paper, raw meat, or out of date dairy all day every day. One person only eats beans - glad I didn't marry him! (am I right girls! :) Oh, come on what's a blog post without at least one fart joke!)

So knowing my son is not a goat or a t-rex, makes me feel a little better. Though I think a goat would at least not complain or might mow the grass. (note to self - get a goat!)

So my son is after all NOT a FREAKY Eater. Though I'm pretty positive he's 100% processed.

Why?

WARNING: If you do not believe in processed food or think it is the devil or even only serve organic foods, the rest of this post may give you a total heart attack!

That's all my son eats (and I don't want any comments about what I'm feeding him!!!! I'll be forced to delete it out of sheer guilt and embarrassment.) There are problems that led us here.

First - his weight was low, worse - his BMI. (Yeah, I barely knew what that was too until my son was processed) He's been at 90% height and 20% weight almost his whole freaky eater life, which also puts him in the bottom 3% for a low BMI.

To add to it - in the beginning, he had really bad reflux. That didn't help. Then he had tonsils the size of Mount Everest. Seriously like he used to choke on them when he ate. It was horrible. Problem was - Drs would not take them out b/c he was so underweight so he had to gain weight first. Then, we were told to do what it took to get him to eat. That's when the TV and the "what do you want to eat" policy was put in place. To top it off, my son also has a "sensitivity" (which means there is nothing we can do until he grows out of it) to wheat and dairy so we have to limit those things everyday. Of course - what do you think are the 2 things he loves most? You git it - cheese and bread. By minimizing dairy or bread - he gets hardly any fat unless its crap food. Hence low BMI.

Sigh - you see where I'm going?

That - my friends - was the beginning of the end for my son and his relationship to anything anything grown that is green, yellow, red or orange. (See this cookie is blue. Than again,don't be fooled. He's not eating the cookie, he's only picking off the sprinkles.)

His favorite food and lifeline seems to be crap. Not REAL Crap - of course or he would be on TLC. But crap food. (Hm, I wonder if they pay? Note to self - check into sublimenting income by exploiting sons bad eating habits)

So over the last 2 years, my son has lived off of chicken fingers, fish stix, meatballs, string cheese, snacks, and breakfast food. Makes it hard to figure out lunch and dinner.

Let me say here that when it comes down to forcing your kid to eat healthy or getting him to get on the weight curve. You do what it takes and hope you don't cause massive brain damage or watch him take the form of a large donut.

After ruling out anything mental or physical - we are told. He's just a picky eater.

Now in the last few months, all of this has really started to take a toll on me. I dreaded dinner, dreaded picking him up and emptying his lunch box, dreaded the nights where he cried about being hungry but wouldn't eat. Dinner is a war and trust me - I am NOT even WINNING a battle. I've become so guilt-ridden that I dream about him eating. Seriously, then I wake up and stay up researching. I would cry, beat myself up,and stress out anytime food was within his reach. Hiding behind corners, watching, praying he eats. Then I'd get mad at him, yell. Make him take a bite. Nothing was working. I'm positive Super nanny is going to come pounding on my door and tape me yelling at my kid over food or shoving it down his throat. Then, everyone in the world will see me and think - "man, she's crazy."

Just to give you a taste, here is a snippet of a conversation that seems to occur very frequently.

Him: "I dont want to eat."
ME: "Okay."
HIM: "But I want to eat."
ME: "Okay what do you want? chicken fingers?"
HIM: "No, I dont like chicken fingers!"
ME:"You love those."
HIM:"I want meatballs please."
MOM makes meatballs and serves them on a fun tommy the train plate. Because who doesnt want to eat more with thomas?
HIM:"Buuuuuut, I wanted chicken fingers."
ME (pulls hair out): "How about a donut?"
Him:"But i dont like donuts."
Daughter: I'll take a donut."
ME: No honey, you eat healthy. You don't need a donut. You and Gray have to eat different things.
Her: That's not fair.
ME: Tell me about it.
Him: No! Sissy doesn't get a donut. I get a donut.
ME: You said you didn't want a donut.
MOM hands him a donut.
HIM: I want an apple
EVERYONE in family looks at each other and scrambles around to find an apple, whispering about breakthroughs and miracles.
ME (in tears) - I'M out of apples. :(

So now - I cook something and that's it. If he doesn't eat it - he goes to bed hungry. Which is harder than it sounds esp. if he wakes up in middle of night hungry and crying. I know it's probably just a control thing. I know that intellectually. But emotionally, I see a kid who has an issue with food that I'm hoping he outgrows when he leaves the toddler phase.

And yes before you ask - I have tried every fruit veggie, fruit juice, veggie juice, and possible snack known to man. So no need to even suggest any. Trust me, we've tried...everything.

Now, just to be clear. I am not saying my son is just a regular picky eater who will only eat junk food, yogurt, chicken fingers, fries, and bagels.

I'm talking even worse - the kid who is a RANDOM SPORADIC PICKY EATER. Which means I can't depend on ONE food to make him happy. It changes with the wind, with the time, with the hour. So that means, NO DAY is good unless we get lucky even if I give him what I know he will eat. Because we never know.

My son is the one who loves chicken fingers one week - hates them the next. One who will eat waffles only if cream cheese is on it. One who REFUSES to eat donuts unless they are white. (Seriously who refuses a DONUT!) This picture? Him complains about ice cream! I know....crazy. Definitely MY kid!

I know - don't ask.

I've gotten every advice possible, read every book. I'm doing it all with very little progress.

Now this may surprise you, but I actually wasn't here today to talk about my picky eater. This post is actually a tribute (stay with me) to Traders Joes.

Why?

Because now I can get somewhat-healthy processed or canned food and not feel 100% guilty. (only 50%) Spaghettio's - check! all natural, low sodium. Chicken nuggets? Check! white meat with no hormones. YOU want meatballs? Check! Cheese crackers, check check check!

I still have the problem of "Will he eat it?" But at least if he does, it's healthier.

Not to mention, Traders Joe's is cheap. So thank goodness, I'm not spending much more money than I was on my cheap Kroger card brands (which BTW have so much high fructose corn syrup, it should be illegal. See I do know what's healthy).

Now, I don't stress out as much. I just pop in some natural multi -vitamins and some healthy processed food in - for my son (NOT) to eat. I also found a special apple juice with no sugar (he loves apple juice) that is combined with Carrot juice. He still drinks it. (SSSSShhhhhhhhhhhh don't' tell him or I will have to kill you.)

To all you moms who are horrified at the fact that my son's weekly intake of fruit and veggies consists of spinach pretzels at Barnes and Noble and yogurt raisins (no he won't eat the chocolate or plain ones). I'm so sorry. I am completely horrified too.

Thanks Trader Joes for having affordable healthy processed and canned food that does not cost me an extra house payment. (Don't get me wrong I love whole foods but I can only afford one apple there a week ).

TJ - Thanks for allowing a mom to find a healthIER option for my processed son.

Who yes, was born in a bag and stored in the freezer section.

Maybe even grew up in a cereal box.

Now, if he only came a prize.

DogGoneDays

Today is supposed to be a post for the Bookanistas but my heart is a little too heavy for it.

My dog, Bud, is not doing well.

My dog is losing his spunk, his zest for life, his bowel function when he sleeps, and he can barely walk, see or hear. The one thing that keeps me filled with hope is that he still eats and steals food from everyone. I always felt as long as he was eating, he'd be ok.

I always prayed I would not have to make a decision regarding my dogs' passing. I mean it's not my job right? Its not in my human job description. But as my dog withers away, I'm faced with the question -

how do you know when it's time to let go?

I'm conflicted. I dont want to help him pass out of this world and into another - out of convenience or even too soon. But I also dont want him to suffer in any way.

A couple years ago, my boxer went quietly into the night. He was fine one day, the next morning my daughter and I found him in his bed - he had died in his sleep. Besides seeing both my grandparents die when I was little, I hadn't faced death in a long time before my dog. At least not with anyone close to me. At the time, I took my Boxer's death hard. I had NO idea he was leaving us - he was happy the day before - and I felt like there was so much left unsaid. So much love that I hadn't shown. I felt guilty that I hadn't given him tons of time the days or weeks before b/c of the busyness of being a parent to young kids. Yet at times, I was thankful he didn't suffer at all. That he had a peaceful transition.

Since that day, I've coddled my Jack Russell (who has been mine for the last 15 years) for the last 2 years. I wanted to be sure that if to be sure everything was said that needed to be said.

But now, as part of me wants my dog to move on to a happier place where he can run and stay young forever, the other part of me is afraid of making the decision to let him go. Since this has really been my dog, my husband feels (rightly so) that it is ultimately my decision. But anyone who knows knows I cant make this. I cry at commercials. I cry when I hear sad stories on the news. I cry at songs, books. And any sign of anyone or anything suffering - whether it be a dog or other animal, I lose it.

So my question - how do I know? Everyone says I will but I am wondering if that is really true. I dont think we actually know when it's a good time, I just think we come to accept that its time. But what if i make the decision and not only do it too soon, but regret it for the rest of my life. Then what? I can't take it back or do a "do-over". I have to live with that forever and wonder if I did the right thing.

I pray every night that a higher power comes in and transitions my dog before I have to make a decision on my own. Yet then I feel guilty for cutting my dog short of what could be some extra time on this Earth with me.

I'll never have a dog like this one. He was my first dog. I'd grown up with cats my whole life. My ex-fiance bought him for me in 1995 and he has been a good dog. Bud has stood by me through thick or thin. He's traveled across the country in a carry-on dog bag with me. He's driven thousands of miles with me. He licked my tears when my heart was so broken that I wondered if I'd ever be the same. He moved to the beach with me for a few months and it was just he and I and the water. He filled a space that some didn't care was empty. He was there when I got married, when both my kids were born. He was by my side helping me recover through surgeries, sadness, and loneliness. Always with a smile on his face.

Any dog we ever get again will never be just mine. Will never be the same. because you see no matter what anyone says, you can never love a dog the same after kids. Its not that you love them less, its that you realize how much you can love something more.

So I feel like I'm losing more than my dog when he goes. I feel like I'm losing a piece of me, my history, my past, my innocence, my youth. A piece that will never be the same.

I'm reminded sometimes of his funny spirit and how full of life he has always been until now. Jumping, smiling, playing, barking, scratching, jumping, eating, playing jumping eating (did I mention jumping?). When I first saw him among a litter of Jack Russells, I knew he was spunky and the one for me. He came running around the corner, bouncing like a jack rabbit with a very tiny stick in his mouth. While all the other puppies milled around my feet, Bud was the only one that demanded I give him all my attention. Clawing and begging for my attention. For me to take that stick and throw it to him. For me to share a moment with him.

And he won.

Now as my dogs spots seem to fade quickly so does his strength. And with that, so does my hope that he can stick it out just one more year. So does my hope that he too will go quietly into the night.

And in comes the reality that no one or no thing lives forever. Yet everyone and everything will live on.

I could use any advice if anyone has gone through this.

Thanks for listening. Sorry about the heavy post. I'll be back and peppy tomorrow :)

Show agents the love!

The fantabulous Kody Keplinger pulled together several authors to create something called Agent Appreciation Day. Of course, I joined in. After all, I love my agent! I posted this a few days ago and knew it would fit in perfectly.

If you want to read some other posts and pass the agent love around, visit Lisa and Laura - as they've been great enough to create one comprehensive list!

Because I love my agent, so let me count the ways...

1) She is positive - trust me you need this!

2) She knows her stuff. I find myself going "wow I didn't know that" every time we speak or email. And i think I'm pretty up on the industry as much as I can be. She is a bundle of information. I'm talking like she is the dictionary for the publishing industry.

3) She loves my book and my writing. That makes 2 of us :) Not counting my mother or my dog of course!

4) She cracks me up! Wanna know her brilliant thoughts about book rejections -"It always sucks when someone says your baby is ugly." (funny right!)

5) She is (currently) not into the whole social networking thang. Which I find refreshing since I am all in everyone's business. (Pssst. I am determined to convert her! She just doesn't know it yet)

6) She is passionate. I love this about her because it shows.

7) She has the confidence to put me in my place. "Um, you need to relax." (true, so true)

8) She answers all my questions - in detail and doesn't mind. She even asks me if I have any questions! That never happens to me. Usually people are running from my inquisitive nature. Either that or cowering from my Spanish Inquisitions.

9) She works hard for me (and I'm sure all her clients). She turns around revisions in record time. Like before I can breath. I always tell my hubby that my book is like a boomerang with her. Just as I send it out...bam...it comes back all marked up with great suggestions.

10) She has great ideas! I think I might have to list her as a co-author.

11) She watches as many movies and TV shows as I do. Which makes for fun conversations. When we are trying to compare scenes, we constantly throw around references. That's rare to find.

12) She is the fastest emailer in the NYC area. Almost as fast as me and trust me - that is lightening fast. She always responds so quickly even when I know she's slammed.

13) Did I mention, she loves my writing?

14) She always has time for me. On phone or on email.

15) She is a great editorial agent. I know that if she likes my book, it's good. I love knowing when my book goes out, it is clean and to her standards.

16) She makes me a better writer.

So, when you are looking for an agent, use this as a checklist.

I've heard horror stories about agents and how they treat their clients. How they rank their clients by advance amounts. I've heard of people regretting taking on their agent and dumping their agent because they didn't support them.

This is not my experience!

I'm so lucky to have Alyssa. Just in 6 months, my writing has gotten so much better. I obviously have a long road ahead of me but knowing she is by my side, makes this journey so much better. (Hopefully, she feels the same - gulp!)

Agents work their butts off, get chewed out, and take big chances on people like me. They act as our advocates and pretty much a professional therapist to us in a certain sense. And they do all this for very little in return. They do it because they love it. Because they don't get paid until you or I get paid. And just like you and me, they are committed, they put in the time and effort, and throw in just as much of the blood, sweat, and tears as we do. They get just as upset at rejections as we do. Our "babies" become their step children. They care just as much as we do.

Everyday, they fight for what they believe in and love.

Sometimes it works out for them and pays off, but sometimes it doesn't.

I think we spend too much time bitching about what they don't do and seem to forget what they do everyday. All day.

They fight for the books they love to get published.

So.... be sure to show your agents the love and maybe you'll get some back!

Secret ailments from revision deadlines

When you are in the midst of revisions and deadlines (whether it be agent imposed, editor imposed, NaNoWriMo imposed) , you tend to put your life on hold.

You roll up your sleeves and dive in.

Determined. Excited, Hopeful.

Then you get in the middle of it.

And you curse, sigh, cry, and force yourself to sit and fight through it. Doubt sets in.

No one talks about the ailments of writing under speedy deadlines. It is a problem swept under the rug of the writing community. The embarrassing things we hide and don't talk about it out of embarrassment or fear of quarantine.

I'm here to bust the door open on these ailments and create a support group - in sympathy of all the writers who have to turn around deadlines in record time.

Here is a List of Common Writer Ailments (resource: WriterMD). Read it! It could save your life!

PB-ASS (also know as Pancake Bottom) - This is a very common problem that no one talks about. It a very "tush"e subject

• Causes - sitting in the same chair for way too long, genetics, no support
  
• Symptoms - sore buttocks, butt falling asleep, cramps, widening measurements, and saggy pants.
• Cures - butt squeezes, squats, donut hole pillows, or butt implants
  

The Claw - This is a problem for many writers.

• Causes - lack of typewriter training
• Symptoms - your hands look like they could be doubles in the Thriller video, kids think you are trying to scare them when they come around the corner, carpel tunnel syndrome
• Cures - Typewriter lessons, prayer, stress ball exercises
  

MSd (Also know as Major Sleep deprivation) - This one is hard to notice if you have a problem with kids waking in middle of night, late night prank calls, friends on the west coast, and snoring husbands.

• Symptoms - grumpiness, burning eyes, deliriousness (is that a word)
• Causes - no showers (yes you heard me right) staying up late, writing for 18 hrs straight, overactive mind, too much work - not enough time
• Cure (rare) - hubbies who allow you to sleep in!

SACR (also know as Sugar & Caffeine Rush) - ok so we can get this a lot.

• Symptoms - the shakes (which makes it hard to write), stomach aches, vegetable deprivation, dehydration, quicker movements
• Causes - chocolate, candy corn, sweet tea, coffee with hazelnut cream (the non sugar free kind)
• Cures - detox, pace your office, pace outside
  

SFSs (SlipperFeet/Sweatpants Syndrome) - also known as MommyWear

• Symptoms - 3 new pairs of sweats, lazy feet
• Causes - shoes with soft fur inside
• Cures - not available at this time. Incurable.

The WHAAAAs (Uncontrollable bouts of tears)

• Symptoms - crying at commercials, crying at kids, crying b/c you forget to make lunch
• Causes - see all the ailments listed above
• Cures - hugs, encouragement, colored pictures slipped under the door, turning in your work on time

Should you experience the above ailments,

• Don't call your agent! (or editor)
  
• Do call your writer friends (Thanks Katie&Kimberly!)
• Don't yell at your family
• Do call your mom
• Don't give up
  
• Do step outside and breathe
• Do ask for help
• Do pat yourself on the back

If you have not experienced any of these ailments, please call for help!

Denial and avoidance can be fatal!

If you have come across any other ailments, please let us know in the comments.

You could save a life!

At the center of a busy life

As a mom, sometimes, I forget to stop and breathe.

Because there are so many thing to do as a mom.

doing the laundry, changing sheets, folding laundry, putting away laundry, stacking laundry in baskets and leaving in the bedroom until *someone* else puts it away.

unloading dishes, rinsing dishes (yeah right), reloading dishes, wishing I'd bought paper dishes, buying paper plates, feeling bad about environment and go back to dishes.

reorganizing kids closets, cleaning out old toys, reorganizing new toys, returning toys back where they belong, yelling at kids to return toys where they belong, threatening kids to return toys where they belong.

buying dog food, feeding dog, taking dog to vet after he eats a pound of chocolate, letting elderly dog outside in the middle of the night to pee - twice!

taking care of hubby, making hubby take care of me, managing an extended family, managing a British family (oi!:), getting together with family before family has withdrawals.

giving baths, forcing baths, taking a shower, skipping a shower, wishing for a shower, refusing to shower.

shifting kids from one place to another, carpooling, playdates, afternoon activities, planning family activities, allocating equal Mommy Time.

get an idea, write a book, rewrite a book, tear up a book, envying someone else's book, curse my book, love my book, cry over my book, get a rejection, get an agent, rewrite book, and rewrite book again.

preparing for school, packing lunches, giving money for lunches, forgetting lunches, forgetting homework, doing homework.

cleaning out old sizes of kids clothes, buying new kids clothes, attending kids school activities, volunteering at school activities.

planning menus (yeah right!), cooking...OK FINE!...microwaving, wishing I was organized enough to crockpot, grocery shopping, wine shopping, chocolate shopping, interim shopping, drug shopping (Oops, I mean drug store shopping!)

taking care of house stuff, bringing in the mail, sending out mail, recycling junk mail, taking out the trash, recycling, bagging recycling, paying bills, filing bills, hiding bills, forgetting bills, ignoring bills.

scheduling cleaners, calling yard people, calling car people, begging babysitters, begging mother to come down.

staying on top of holidays, moving shelf on an elf, filling advent calendars, buying presents, returning presents.

awarding stars for good behavior, awarding red stickers for bad behavior, keeping track of stickers on behavior, ignoring tantrums, having tantrums, yelling at tantrums,

going by the bank to take in a check, wishing I had a check to take in, spending money, balancing checkbook, wishing I hadn't spent money, wondering where money went.

going to the bathroom with bystanders, cleaning the bathroom accidents of bystanders, teaching kids to wipe, teaching kids to flush, stocking diapers, smelling diapers, running out of diapers.

scheduling dr appt, handling impromptu dr appt, tending to the sick, feeling sick, stroking hurt feeling, hurting happy feelings, attending to boo boos.

yelling at kids to ask for peace and quiet, wishing for peace and quiet, hiding in closets for a moment of peace and quiet (everyone does this right?)

With all that - there is little time to breath.

There are so many things to do as a wife

There are so many things to do as a daughter, sister and friend.

There are so many things to do as a writer, a critiquer, a blogger, a tweeter, a facebooker, a myspacer, and a goodreader.

There are so many things to do to change the world.

Then, there are those moments - that in reality probably come to us in every second of every day - but I miss them because I'm so busy I forgot to stop, grab it, and press it to my heart. I forget to hold it in my hand before kissing it back to the wind.

Sometimes I don't relish in the moments of joy that fly by me at the speed of light. I guess I don't open my eyes in time to see the drops of happiness wrapped in a picked leaf, a drawn picture, or a hug.

Sometimes I happen to get lucky and accidentally sit still in the small moment that I realize is perfect. Before, I mistakenly push it aside as the world blows another obligation or problem my way.

Sometimes I get tiny but memorable reminders, in the shape of a flower, or a note in crayon, a book, or a sappy song.

When the universe nudges me quietly, suddenly giving me the sense, the urge, the need, the ability...

To stop...

To breathe...

To love...

To laugh...

To live...

To just be...

And remember to cherish and be grateful for the things at the very center of my busy life.

What a difference a Year makes

I was going back over my posts from last year and realized how far I have come in my writing journey in just a year.

Last year, around this time, I made a serious commitment to myself and the writing process. Prior to that I had dabbled, quit, returned, dabbled, and quit again. (oh yeah, I also quit a big time corporate job, had 2 kids, helped my hubby through a major back surgery, and had 6 months of vertigo)

But, last fall, I learned my writing buddy, Lindsey Leavitt, signed the final contract on her Princess for Hire deal (that went to auction!).

Her deal and journey made me realize something. "I can do this!"

You see Lindsey and I for a long time were in a similar space. In 2007, I had met her at her first SCBWI conference, which was the first conference I was also speaking at. We were reading the Twilight series at the time (along with a few BILLION other people.) So when her book sold to Hyperion, it was the first person I knew to get a real book deal.

I thought, "Wow! You mean this really happens? To people I know?" That was a HUGE eye opener for me.

Last October, I met her for coffee/chit chat after a SCBWI conference. She gave me some praise, some great advice, some pointers and most of all, hope, that it could happen for me. She really got me back on track.

So without Lindsey - and my critique group - I would not be here today. (Yes Lindsey, it's true. Stop shaking your head at me. Don't be so modest!)

After shelving one book along with many many rejections and working for 4 years to get published, last November, I finally queried my second novel "Grace Under Fire" to agents for the first time. I also rededicated myself to learning the ins and outs of the publishing business as well as jumpstart my blog again.

Here's everything I have done in just one year:

• Met my first Blogger Buddies: Carrie Harris, Casey McCormick, Chandler Craig, and Corey Schwartz, Sherrie Solvang, Suzanne Young, Plot This girls (BTW - Happy Bday Katie! :)
  
• Reignited blog - 0 followers
  
• queried "Grace Under Fire" for first time
  
• got full requests
• got vertigo
• got my first gray hair - ok third but whos counting
  
• First Marketing Blog interview with Chandler Craig -
  
• got rejections - including a personal one from Alyssa (my agent)
  
• started marketing series on my blog - about 50 followers, only about 2 comments a day
• got more rejections
• had hubby cit me off from having a 3rd baby. dolls will have to do.
  
• ran a Commenting contest - followers increased to 100
• started Facebook and Twitter
• pissed off my hair dresser and got banned from the salon
  
• Started "On the Bright Side - initially a YA
  
• joined Publishers weekly and Publishers Marketplace
• personal rejection with opportunity to resubmit
  
• revised Grace's entire plot
• another gray hair - obviously my old hairdresser's fault
  
• Resubmitted to agent who asked for book to be redone
• Changed On the Brights Side to MG/tween - wrote 100 pages
  
• requeried all agents who gave me personal rejections - all said yes and asked for a partial of Bright as well
  
• ran Follower Contest - followers increased to 200
• changed my diet
  
• vertigo went away - thank the lord!
• made tons and tons of wonderful blogger buddies
  
• Got an offer for representation- What!
  
• Another offer- What?
  
• a couple more offers - Shut up!
  
• Chose Alyssa!!! yay!
  
• Went to LA and got requests from editors for books
• Hung out with Katie and SF
• Met my now soul sister Kimberly Derting who I adore to death!
  
• Shelved Grace and wrote rest of Bright
• Revised bright at least 10 times
  
• Just went out on sub to publishers
• Just had my 40,000 visitor on my blog and 350 followers.
  

Last year, I never thought I would be here today. I wondered if I would EVER get an agent! I never thought I would write another book in less than a year.

Who knows where I will be next year.

So hang in there and stay positive! You have to keep going. Especially if you love to write as much as me.

Because by this time next year, you will be so much further than you are today.

And who knows where that will be!!!!

Here's to another great year and many more successes!

Here's to your dream!

I hope one day, someday, I can give back to each of you in some small way. Even if it is by giving you the hope (like Lindsey did for me) that you too - can reach your writing dream.

Good luck! :)

Word for the Day! Faith

To be honest, I just didn't feel like doing a marketing round up today. Something else is on my mind. Stay tuned until Monday for your regularly scheduled program.

Faith is not always just about God or your beliefs in something superior.

We forget the other meanings. The personal meanings.

Faith is the "firm belief in the integrity, ability, effectiveness, or genuineness of someone or something."

Faith is "the obligation of loyalty to a person, promise, engagement."

Faith is "adherence to something to which one is bound by a pledge or duty."

Faith is the "confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing."

Faith helps you overcome insecurity, build confidence, let go of fear.

No matter what you belief in your own spirituality, faith is about believing in more than what is in front of you.

Have faith you are where you need to be, you are going where you are supposed to go, and you will be who you ought to be.

Have faith in your writing.

Have faith in yourself.

Have faith in something more.

I heart Teen TV - let me count the ways!

I am obviously a teen at heart. (Maybe in my maturity level too.)

Somehow I always fall in love the CW or Fox shows.

Why?

Good question: I will tell you my top 5 reasons (besides #1 these are in no particular order :):

1. Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder - Honestly do I have to say any more? All I can say is "Yes please!" OK so who cares if they are dead, who cares if they have fangs, and who cares if they have anger management issues - I say "the more to love them with". (Oh wait, all that stuff is pretend, right?)

2. Vampire Diaries - This shows takes a good bite out of my Thursday nights and I love it! Obviously, a natural follow-up to #1. The show is awesome and follows the amazing books of LJ Smith )who BTW was wayyyyyyy before Stephanie Meyer. Like in the 90s before. This shows manages to get me to have 2 heart stops, 2 jumps, and 1 squeal - in each episode! Yes the jumping out of the trees and popping up in mirrors is probably predictable - but hey call me slow.

3. Glee - This show makes me happy! Why? because I see my life as a musical anyway - really! (check out the post I did on my life's soundtrack). Every time Lea Michele (AKA Rachel) sings - chills run down my spin and goose bumps form on my arms. The inappropriateness of the Principal, Coach Sue, and others crack me up. Yes I love inappropriate humor (as long as it is not about me!:) Mr Shu is a cutie pie, the music rocks, but most of all, Jane Lynch (Coach Sue) is hilarious.

Jane - you had me at Best in Show!!!



4. Dollhouse - All I can say is Echo is a bada$$! I love her guts and the concept is so cool. I mean - a illegal and underground group of people who have their personalities wiped clean so they can get any new personas. Plus they all have eternal amnesia - what a world! How cool is that! Wish I'd thought of it! Oh yeah, and Joss Whelon (who wrote Buffy) - can't wait to see your episode on Glee!!! Maybe Coach Sue and Mr Shu can have a rocking fight scene.



5. CW and Fox Reality shows - Give me Top model, Runway, American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance any day. I love seeing regular people make it. OK OK so maybe it's staged, but I'll take a fake "making it" over no "making it" any day. Makes me think everyone has a shot in this business if you keep pushing for it.



It gives me hope and I love the see the underdog win.

PS maybe tomorrow I will list my next 5! Yes, that's right, the teen list goes on. Maybe Ill even start a feature called Teen Tuesday where I will list another teen thing I love.

Life lessons to a younger me

Dear younger Shelli,

I'm here to tell you that life turns out better than you ever expected. And I have a few pieces of advice that will make your life a lot easier.

Here are a few tips:

1. Remember the business class you took over creative writing....big mistake. Dangling modifiers will mean more to you than ROIs.
   
2. The typing class that you slacked off in...trust me... typing from Home Row is critical to your future. Remember two words - The Claw!
   
3. All beautiful kids who are mean to you in high school...tell them not to be so cocky. Our 20th reunion will reveal all.
4. When you get in trouble for your messy handwriting...it doesn't matter. Computers take over and you'll never have to "write freehand" again.
   
5. The cute guy you start dating in college. Dump him! He will break your heart. Oh yeah, and he loses all his hair too.
   
6. The soap opera you skip class for because you're afraid you might miss an episode? Let me just tell you that Days of our Lives is still on and you wont miss a thing. Bo and Hope are still together and Stefano is still crazy.
7. For all the times you have to decide between cheering and chorus? Don't worry, a show called "Glee" makes singing and dancing cool again.
8. The reason you love to read so much....is because one day you will be a writer. Keep reading!
9. Write down everything and keep all your journals. Some day they will be considered priceless "research".
10. It's not so bad taking your drivers exam in a 1984 van. When you move to the city, parallel parking will be a breeze!
11. Don't get too excited about mastering Atari and flipping PacMan or Space Invaders. It gets much harder on Xbox.
12. Your parents love you and mean well...and most of the time - they are right. Except when they tell you to go for the money.
    
13. Your little brother won't always annoy you. Someday you'll forgive each other for the countless wedgies and be the best of friends.
14. Friends will come and go. Don't worry, the ones you need will be the ones you keep. The ones you lose end up being crazy anyway.
    
15. All those fashion faux pas you make - macrame tops, parachute pants, and Indian moccasins? They will probably all come back in style in some form anyway. (oh yeah and someday, thick glasses will be cool!)
    
16. Whatever you do - do NOT perm your naturally curly hair or spray Sun-In at the beach, you will pay dearly.
    
17. All I can say is - blue eye shadow and pink lipstick are not your best colors!
    
18. All the mistakes you make don't matter in the long run. Including getting kicked off the cheerleading squad and a D in Trigonometry.
    
19. All those times you worry about your weight. Let it go. You haven't seen yourself pregnant yet.
    
20. Don't worry...you will get a first kiss, you will marry, and you will live happily ever after.

Love always,

Your wiser self!

Release and Surrender

Last week, I had a minor panic attack about the whole publishing business.

As I get closer to sending "my baby" out into the big world of publishing, the reality hits me.

This is it! This is where the rubber meets the road (I sound like my dad!). This is where everything I've done the last few years, the sacrifices I have made, the ones my family have made comes down to this moment in time.

The prospect of getting published someday suddenly freaks me out!

For the past 5 years, I've dreamed of writing a kick-butt book, getting an agent, going out on submission. I've dreamed of agents fighting over me, editors wanting my book. Authors wishing to blurb. I even dreamed of going to auction. Dreamed of finally making some money off my writing.

I've dreamed of becoming a published author.

It was nothing but hope that got me to where I am today.

Now, there is no going back. No do-over's. No more room for dreaming.

My dream either "will or will not" become my true reality. How that happens remains to be seen.

But the reality is - sometimes it does and then sometimes it doesn't. You never know.

This business is finicky and no matter how great your writing is or your idea, sometimes your dream flies and sometimes it floats around, sometimes it hits the dirt.

That is the reality.

My problem? Reality is not an option for me. Never has been. I dream big. And I dont' give up those dreams for a dumb thing called "reality".

I've resorted to doing Bikram Yoga to get the weight off my chest. The heavy one that makes me feel as if I cannot breathe. The one that comes from excitement mixed with anxiety mixed with fear.

This has happened to me throughout my journey. I got this same way when I was looking for an agent. I got to a point where I could not sleep, could not stop checking my statcounter or email, could not write. And I could not breath.

I got so attached to the outcome. I eventually said out loud one day, "It doesn't matter what happens. I will write no matter what anyway. I need to just let go of my attachment to the result and enjoy the journey."

Because you know what? The journey is fun...if you let go of stressing about the end result. There is no end result. There are just milestones.

Well let me tell you that "feeling" doesn't go away after you finish a book or even get an agent. That feeling is a shapeshifter and it somehow comes back to you in a different form. It comes back in disguise. And it took me a while to realize it.

My friend asked me the other day - "So writing makes you so anxious, why do it?"

I said, "It doesn't make me anxious until I think about the publishing side of it."

She simply said, "Then don't think about that."

And it dawned on me. She's right. Why am I hanging on so tightly to being published. As if it ends there?

I have to let that go. I have to have faith and enjoy the process. Because - let me tell you - so far the process itself has been fun. Hard. But FUN. As long as I release my focus on an end result or unrealistic expectations - I am so happy and calm.

Yesterday, with a friend ) I pull a Tarot card from my Angel deck someone gave me when I got an agent (for my angel book).

(I dont live by these things, but I do think it's fun to believe in that stuff - dreams, tarot cards, numerology, astrology readings, signs from the universe ect. You name it. Anything that can possibly give me any additional insight into my future or path, is welcome. please don't unfollow me for this!!! :)

Guess what card I got (out of like 100 cards).

Release and Surrender.

Here is what it said:

"Open your arms and release the challenges that you've held so tightly within your hands. Open your hands, arms, mind and heart to assistance. You have been trying to control a situation in your life. You must emotionally let go and have faith that a higher power can do a better job. Surrendering does not mean you are giving up, it just assures you of happiness and a better outcome. Don't worry about how your question will be answered. Release the need for control and trust all will work out."

It's so true. We hold on so tightly to outcomes that we freak ourselves out along the way.

I let go during the writing process and wrote a godo book. I let go during the agent process and and got an amazing agent. I let go during my revisions process and my book evolved.

Now, I am going to do it again.

I am letting go of expectations, fame, fortune, and my tight attachment to outcomes and results. I am going back to enjoying the process.

Because the truth is - when I focus on the writing and how I feel when I am doing it. My heart is full and I am elated. The minute I take myself out of the journey to try and see, predict or guess what the future holds or where I will be, I feel as if a weight drops from the sky and lands on my chest.

So today, I release and surrender.

I am no Super Mom!

My kids were stuck home today from school - for the flooding - and we went to the bookstore.
So did a ton of other moms.

A lot of them were talking about what they do with their kids and what they dont' do. Some of them i thought "I do that.". Some i thought "What? I would never do that!"

I realized there is a difference between Good moms and Super moms.

• Super mom - helps her kids throw up when they are sick
  
• Good mom - helps her kids throw up but..... in reality is gagging and about to throw up herself

• Super mom - picks a paci (or food) off the floor and washes it off
• Good mom - picks up a paci (or food) blows on it and shoves it back in kids mouth to build up immune system
  

• Super mom - loves to play with her kids
  
• Good mom - loves to play with her kids but... only for so long before she feels like she just cant be the dog anymore.

• Super mom - never yells and is always calm
• Good mom - yells at least once a week and then apologizes for "losing it"

• Super mom - has kids who eat spinach and broccoli
• Good mom - gets excited when a bad eater loves spinach pretzels at B&N and then happily counts that as one of the daily vegetables.
  

• Super mom - is always dressed in super cute outfit (cape and all)
• Good mom - is lucky if she gets to take a shower and throws on what is clean (or not)
  

• Super mom - negotiate with kids in stores to avoid arguments and effectively uses time outs at the checkout
  
• Good mom - lets kid fall on the floor and then asks others around if they want to "watch the show" (while waiting for fit to be over)
  

• Super mom - packs a lunch for her kids everyday with love - keeping the four food groups in mind
  
• Good mom - packs a lunch for her kids everyday with love- but some days throws in a lunchable and tells herself its a treat

• Super mom - lays out the perfect outfit so her kid looks perfect for school
• Good mom - lets kids pick out clothes and as long as they are wearing pants - lets the unmatched socks and contrasting stripe patterns pass inspection
  

• Super mom - only gives kids TV if the American Pediatric Assoc recommends it
• Good mom - commands "movie day" and sticks her kid in front of TV to get a break.
  

• Super mom - volunteers to be the head of the PTA
• Good mom - wants to be on the PTA and knows when the meetings are, but somehow even with best intentions never gets there on time

• Super mom - loves to clean the grime in the toilets b/c "cleanliness is next to godliness".
• Good mom - love to pay someone else to reach those places.
  

• Super mom - loves to get up in the middle of the night with kids when they wake, go potty, or are in the bathroom
• Good mom - does rock paper scissors with hubby to see who wins and gets to sleep in

• Super mom - sings Elmo and Sesame Street songs in the car everyday, all day
  
• Good mom - gets her kids to like Justin Timberlake and sing "I'm bringing sexy back"

• Super mom - cooks homemade meals every night from scratch
• Good mom - cooks hot meals from the four food groups even if three of them are processed and heated in microwave

• Super mom - would rather be with their kids 24/7
• Good moms - loves time with kids but sighs a breath of relief when kids are finally tucked in bed and a bottle of wine is already open.

• Super mom - loves to share her food with her kids, giving them the last bite
• Good mom - resents giving away the last bite b/c she loves sweets
  

• Super mom - loves every bowel movement their child takes - 1 or 2
• Good mom - cringes when she hears the words "Booty check!!!" coming from the bathroom (that also happens to be flawed in its flushing ability)

• Super mom - loves being pregnant
• Good mom - doesn't like being pregnant (really through the first 3 months of babyhood) but loves her kids unconditionally

• Super mom - loves to talk about everything their kid does, all day, all the time
  
• Good mom - loves to talk about her kids but only for so long then she likes to talk about herself.
  

• Super mom - loves to play chase and run after her kids, up and down the playgyms
• Good mom - loves to play "hide and seek" so she can hide in a corner and get at least 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

I have a confession: I am a Good mom. I will never be a Super mom. I'm Ok with that.

Anyone looking to buy a "never before used" cape?

Paper or Plastic??? A life-threatening Labor Day!

What's in a cup??

This was the question of our Labor Day. Or should I say problem?

The Agonizing Labor of our Day.

No not pregnancy Labor.

Not hard labor.

Child Labor.

But not the kind you think.

No, I did NOT put any kids to work (though that's not a bad idea if you've seen my house lately!)

Our Labor Day started out quite normal and nice. Uneventful. Quiet.

The calm before the storm.

We decide to go to the zoo.

Great weather, animals, and family.

How could it get any better?

It can. Just throw in "Superhero weekend" at the zoo and you have it made.

A recipe for success?

You'd think so.

Problem #1: Instead of using our free membership, we spent an extra 40$ for Superhero tickets (money we did not budget this month).

Problem #2: Only to find out my son HATES superheros. Who knew? he loves wearing their costumes. But yes, he hates, loathes, despises men in tight uniforms. So 30 seconds in? Screams of terror.

Problem #3: Which separates the "family" for "family day" b/c hubby takes son out of show and waits outside while daughter cheers on Spiderman, Wolverine and Storm as they take out the evil Green Hornet. The show was about pollution and taking care of the environment. At the end, all kids are sworn in as "superheros of the earth." Cute right?

Problem #4: My daughter wants to wait and meet the "real" heros for a picture. In a Reaaaaaaaaaallllllly long line of screaming kids and bored parents in a hot tent. We wait in line for a long time.

Problem #5: Just before we finally reach the stage of superheros for the perfect photo op. Daughter decides she is scared and wants to leave. What a waste!

Not so bad you say. Just wait. I'm The leading up to it. Hang with me!

So family proceeds to walk around the zoo and check out more animals and get faces painted.

Problem #6: Hubby and I start to fight because I want to get food for kids b/c they are hungry but he wants to save money and rush home. Yet kids want to see more animals.

Problem # 7 - #12.5 : Meltdowns ensue. Lines to food are long. Temperatures are rising. The cute shirt I wore starts to feel like a straight jacket. I realize I forgot to use deodorant. I'm wearing my librarian glasses (BTW my contacts are on backorder - but I wont count that problem in this tally. No need to add more.) so sunglasses are not an option in the blazing sun.

Still with me? The doozey is coming. Trust me. I never disappoint my readers.

I decide (storm off) to go get food (anyway) while hubby takes kids to see Lions and Rhinos.

Problem #13: Of course, when I am not around, all hell breaks loose. (Side note: I think its b/c kids are hungry but what do I know? ah hem - maybe i was right. shhhhhhhh!)

Problem #14.333333: Son proceeds to throw a fit and throws big plastic water cup at my daughter's head, making a direct hit.

Problem #15: Evidently, the big sippy cup pummels her in the very spot you don't want it to. That's right, in the temple.

Crying begins.

can you see the escalation?? Don't worry I'm not done yet!!

Meanwhile I'm hot and mad and standing in a long line - behind someone who had 20 minutes to decide their order but now wants to change it when they get to the window - getting food and go to wait for family at designated meeting spot.

Problem #16 - #21: (b/c I am extra hot at this point, this deserves more than 1 problem) No one in my family unit shows up to meet me.

Then I get a call. On my cell. From my daughter (keep in mind she is 5!) telling me to come to the car?

Problem #22 - Hubby is in car in parking lot!??? Me? Still in hot zoo with bag of crappy expensive food after waiting for a long time!!! Now stuck alone in a huge crowd of stinky, hungry people.

I rush out of zoo to lot, even sweatier than before (did i mention food line was in the hot hot son by a hot hot grill.)

Problem #23 - argument ensues with hubby over failure to communicate over locale of meeting spot.

Problem #24 - Over my daughter's crying in the back seat, I'm filled in of my son's vicious cup attack (please keep in mind he's only 2 so during all of this drama - he's in the back seat happily singing "wheels on the bus". Totally oblivious to his offense.)

Problem #25 - Then I see my daughter's eye. A blood blister (about the size of a dime) is forming on her left temple. (Hm. That doesn't look good.)

Problem #26 - I try to lecture 2 year old about throwing cups as he is singing "no more monkeys jumping on the bed." He does not understand.

Problem #27 - ON way home, daughter says she feels tired and sick to her stomach. (wow this really doesn't sound good)

Problem #28- #30 - we get home and she won't eat. Anything. She just wants to sleep. She lays down and gets lethargic. I won't let her sleep. I think I saw that in a movie somewhere. She is not happy about that.

Problem #31 - I think she needs to go to emergency room. Hubby does not.

Problem #32 - a little later, when she perks up a bit, hubby says he is taking kids to park.(really?)

Problem #33 - #35: she throws up in car and then all over the bathroom. (I see lots of red stuff and start to freak out but hubby says it is jello?? But she only had 2 bites??)

We call the medical help line. They say, "OMG Bring her in!"

Yes I am serious? We are now scrambling wondering if she has a head injury from a random flying cup?

Problem #36. Hubby rushes daughter into car and to emergency room - which is only minutes from our house.

Problem #37-50 - I stay at home with son!!! Pacing! Freaking out. Now I am crying. What if she is really hurt? At the hand of my singing son?

Problem #51 - Just as they get in the door, daughter throws up in emergency room.

Problem #52. They are whisked away into another room and all the ER is forced to wear masks? (why? you guessed it - swine flu precaution??)

Problem #53: In the meantime, a trauma unit comes in with a kid in really bad shape from a car accident. So my daughter - who either has swine flu or massive brain hemorrhaging - waits and waits and waits. (And rightly so, b/c the trauma kid almost died but they saved him. That was definitely worth the wait. But the wait was agonizing.)

Problem 53.4 - Problem 61.3333 - Meanwhile - neurotic, worse-case scenario mom (AKA Me!) is freaking out at home. Calling family and best friend hoping to be talked out of visiting Panic-ville. (PS my family thinks I overreact so this calling drudges up family issues as well.)

Problem 61.4 - Problem 65 - Doctor does not come in to examine daughter for 2 hrs!!! Meanwhile, her brain is falling out of her head (at least to me)

Problem 65 - I am at home researching head trauma, CT scans, Natasha Richardson, and US statistics on "death by flying cups".

Problem 66 - Junior doctor checks out daughter and says she is fine. he wants to send her home.

Problem 67 - I tell (threaten) hubby. Don't leave until they scan her or I will come down there! (Do you blame me? The symptoms showed up with in 10 minutes of head impact.)

Problem 68 - Daughter has to go through scary CT scan.....without me! :(

Problem 69 - 99 - CT scan is 100% normal???? Daughter diagnosed with tummy bug!

Problem #100- My neurotic self once again looks like a hypochondriac, loony bird with entire family who I've been calling and putting on "emergency backup" notice for 2 hrs in case I have to go into hospital for brain surgery. (no not mine, hers!)

*sigh*

Blessing #1 - #100 - daughter is fine. family is fine.

Shout out #67 (don't ask about #1-#66) : to my daughter's guardian angel - you rock!!!!

Moral of the story?

We are switching to paper cups!!!!!!!!

Playing catch up/Marketing Round Up

Marketing Tip: Beating a Following addiction!

This is something I do. I follow ALOT of blogs (yes it is an addiction but you all are so smart I love to read your thoughts!). Obviously, I do not get a chance to read everyone, everyday. :( I put aside one full day a month and go to every blog I follow/catch up.

An Award? Aw Shucks

Aw shucks :) Cathy Hall awarded me the Superior Scribbler.

1. pass the Award on to 5 most-deserving bloggy buds.

2. link to the author and name of the blog from whom he/she has received the Award.

3. display the Award and link to the Award explanation.

4. visit this post and add his or her name to the Mr. Linky List at the Scholastic-Scribe's blog. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who wins this prestigious Award!

5. post rules on his/her blog.

My 5 blogs are some new ones I found recently:

Little Ms J - because she is honest and cracks me up!

Serenity now - just found this one (somehow) and I like the voice

Road to publication - I roomed with Kimberly and want to give a shout out! (oh yeah and she is going to be huge when her book comes out in March. Melissa Marr just blurbed it and the cover is gorgeous!)

Reverie Book Review - new teen blog I found that reviews books

Lauren Barnholdt - a fellow Trident author who is also with my agent.

My Interview!

I was recently interviewed by WOW (women on writing) about branding and marketing. Check it out (special shout out to Cathy for thinking of me!)

Marketing Favs

Here are some great posts for the week!

Focus on blog content instead of traffic - we rarely hear the pros talk about the one thing that is essential in a great blog: content.

Public speaking for authors - This is a series that covers how to prepare, organize and speak. So, the day has arrived. It’s time to actually talk to an audience. What do you do?

Why a video sells books? Publicists and marketing professionals believe these videos are the best new way to create the kind of buzz that attracts readers and sales.

Finding your Facebook strategy - Create an amazing network of really cool people who are engaged, supportive, and excited about your work.

Lost in the madness of marketing? Top ways to market your book.

have a great weekend! :) Thanks for all the comments this week - I appreciate you all spending time reading AND commenting. Plus I love finding new blogs. :)

The woes of Kindergarten

My daughter started the big K this week *sniff sniff*.

And, as expected, I did worse than she did.

On Tuesday morning, she jumped out of bed as soon as her new princess alarm clock went off singing. She was up and dressed before I could even open my eyes. (seeing as I had not gotten in until about 1:30 or 2 from LA.)

My daughter burst into my room and said, "I am more excited than if I was riding a huge rollercoaster." (I assumed that was big. Even though she has never ridden one, it summed it up pretty good. I got the point :)

The whole morning she was singing and buzzing around the house. She picked out her own clothes and came out and twirled. "Don't I look fancy?" She went on to explain (in great detail) why she chose her outfit and why it matched.

I think we were even 5 minutes early leaving the house, which for those who know me, know how hard that is and are probably in shock right now b/c I am always 15 minutes late.

When we got to the school, she clutched onto my hand. I did everything I could not to cry all the way into the building, down the hall, down the stairs and down her hall. Literally, I had a lump in my throat that reached my chest. I could not believe this was my little girl, going to big girl school, all day, away from me.

She was holding it together as if she was a pro. Me? squeezing back tears with every step. shaking. feeling sick to my stomach.

As we walked into the room, she slowed down a bit. She hung up her bag and turned to me: "Where are you going to sit Mommy?"

"What?"

"Well, aren't you the room parent? where are you going to sit?"

Gulp. "Oh honey. I am the room parent does not mean I STAY in the room all day."

Her face dropped. I almost heard her confidence hit the floor. "What?"

"You stay here on your own."

"But i thought you were room parent?"

And then I lose it too. I still tried so much to hold it together but when you are looking into those big hazel eyes, filled with water. It's hard!

Then the teacher walks in - and it is a SUBSTITUTE!

Are you kidding me?

She still wasn't crying but what got me the most was that her lip started to quiver. She was TRYING not to cry. She kept looking at the kids and back at me. She whispered under her breath, "Mommy? Could you just stay 5 more minutes?"

In that moment, I realized how much older she was now. A year ago, she would have cried and not cared who was around. (Usually in a public place :) Now, she was embarrassed to cry. She was worried about the kids in the classroom. She was trying to hold it in like I was.

The bell rings for school to start.

I said, "Honey I'm going to go now. The bell just rang. School starts now and you will have such a blast here."

Then, she completely lost it and gripped onto my leg like a koala bear and its mommy.

My writer-side kicked in.

I took a little leather "S" off my keychain and clipped it to her belt. "Did you know this was a magic key chain?"

She stops crying for a second. "Really? how do you know?"

"Because I use it all the time and it helps me feel safe."

She smiles and wipes her face. She sits down on the rug and watches me leaving, tears rolling down her still-baby cheeks.

I waved and walked out.

My tears started and I cried all the way to the car and in the car.

Images of my baby girl growing up flashed through my mind. My emergency delivery for "failure to progress." The hard first 6 months when we were not sure what affect her heart defect would have on her and us. The emergency room visits. Her first steps. Her first words. Her 5 years flashed in front of me.

Now she was a big girl.

I watched the clock all day, waiting until I could pick her up. I called the school a couple of times and they said if she was really upset, the counselor would visit her. It's not like PreK where I could just go get her early. make her feel better with a mommy lunch or ice cream cone. I couldn't not sneak back in the school and peek through the window to see she was OK. That no one was being mean to her. That she was not sad. In K, you have to sign in.....evidently in blood if you want to visit the classroom.

Finally 2 oclock.

I race out the door, speed to the school, and pace outside, waiting for her class to be released. Different scenarios played out in my head. What if she cried all day? what if she hated it? what if someone pushed her? what if someone hurt her feelings?

Then, I see her little face come around the corner.

A smile from ear to ear.

She runs into my arms and hugs me.

"how was your day honey? was it OK?"

I wait for the horrible day to unfold.

"Mommy, I sang I love kindergarten all the way down the hall. But I whispered it to myself so no one could hear."

The panic floating inside me all day seeped out. I was so happy for her. So excited for her to start a new life.

"And you know what else Mommy?"

"What honey?"

"Tomorrow, I want to walk myself to my classroom. Without you."

"Well let's just take it slow."

"I can do it."

"I know you can. But I'm not ready for that yet. What were the happy parts about your day?"

She grips my hand and as we walk to the car, she fills me in about music class, art, and reading. She tells me about her two new friends. And explains the word "absent" to me.

"Any sad parts?"

"No."

There it is. My baby girl was gone. Replaced by a wonderful and brave little girl.

"Well, there was one thing."

"What?"

"I missed you."

Today she did much better.

Me? Not so much.