Grief

It’s been awhile, a couple of weeks.
It started with the ym status, then the updates through ym, then the texts.
Then the horrifying phone call.
I knew that in this situation, a long-distance phone call never meant good news. But still I didn’t want to believe, forcing bubumum to say it, the words I didn’t want to hear, words I needed to hear to snap me out of denial. Until she couldn’t take it and somewhat mumbled them between her sobs.

Disbelief. Anger. Questions. Questions. Questions. Questions. Anguish. Sorrow.
But no matter how many questions asked, how many hows and whys, the fact is she’s gone. My mentor, my coach, role model in my career and most of all, my aunt & second mum sudah dipanggil yang maha pengasih.

Sekarang saya mau pakai bahasa indonesia saja, karena saya tidak suka membicarakan beliau dalam bentuk lampau :(

Saya ingat terakhir chatting dengan beliau, beberapa jam sebelum operasinya.
Saya ingat pertemuan terakhir dengan beliau, pergi ke rumahnya, bersama bubu & neng nong neng gung untuk pamit kembali ke sini. Lalu neng nong membuat kekacauan di kebun beliau. Saya ingat ekspresi beliau saat mendengar berita keluarga yang kurang sedap.
Waktu saya kecil, beliau sering membelikan cokelat berbentuk huruf untuk saya & kakak-kakak. Saya ingat dibelikan huruf nama belakang saya karena nama depan saya ‘I’, cokelatnya terlalu kecil.
Saya ingat mobil vw beliau yang dulu rasanya paling keren sedunia hanya karena saya bisa bebas melompat ke sana ke mari di belakang tanpa dimarahi, karena kursi belakang tidak ada pintunya.

Rasanya saya lihat beliau di mana-mana.
Di ruangan beliau, saat saya curhat, kesal dengan kebijakan-kebijakan bodoh.
Di ruang rapat, dibalik laptopnya atau dibalik setumpuk buku untuk mencuri waktu daripada mendengar rapat tak tentu arah. Delikan kesalnya saat tiba-tiba ditembak untuk kemudian balik mengintimidasi penembak bodoh itu.
Di ruang makan kantor, di mobil, saat makan siang di luar bersama rekan-rekan senasib di kantor.
Di toko bule, sendirian, mendorong troli karena anak-anaknya tinggal di luar kota.
Di pintu garasi rumah, saat beliau mampir di pagi hari untuk ngobrol sebentar dengan my mum.

Kadang masih berharap melihat kepala kuning bulat di samping nick beliau di ym bangun, supaya saya bisa menyapa.
Masih berharap bisa mencarikan beliau artikel untuk disertasinya, mencarikan buku.
Masih berharap membawa beliau jalan-jalan keliling kota di sini.
Masih punya keinginan membelikan hadiah untuk kelulusan beliau nanti.
Menyesal saat menemukan toko crochet karena sudah terlambat……..

Saya yakin, Yang Maha Baik sudah memberikan yang terbaik untuk beliau dan untuk kita semua. Tapi, dalam hati kecil kadang masih ada ‘kenapa?’
For me, maybe the answer is so that she can keep inspiring us all to be always dedicated & motivated. And most of all, to be always kind.
I still don’t want to say farewell, because she will always be in my mind, my prayers ………
my heart.

Dreaded question

There is this question I answer anxiously when asked by permanent residents: what I’m doing here. If my answer is followed by just a short ‘oh’ or ‘do you enjoy your study?’, I’m safe. If followed by those chit-chatty praise of it must be wonderful to continue education to this level, or worse: I must be quite smart that I’m qualified, then I have to answer with my sheepish answer that I’m doing this for the sake of my job, that the system required this and other crap.

It’s just that I felt that I have to make excuses for my achievement for the sake of the self-conscious me that afraid of being labeled arrogant. Because deep down, I know that the culture of my beloved country still regard people with a degree regardless of what that degree contributes to the society. look at all the wedding invitations out there that put the bride & groom’s and their parents degree (fyi, mine’s was degree free ;p). so I sort of felt that if I’m not being modest, they will not like me. Well, it’s not that important whether they really like me or not, at least I don’t want to be considered as that snotty phd student bitch ;p. having numerous experiences in which I intimidated people by simply not talkative and doing nothing, I somehow felt that I will do so if I don’t make any excuse about my (others) so-called accomplishments.

I also don’t want people to think that I get this degree just because I want to. Because I think it is selfish to get a degree this high without contributing something back. Studying is not a productive state except for yourself. And by yourself, I really YOU, YOU, YOU, not your family, your loved ones or anybody. In fact, most of the cases, people around you must sacrifice something and support you. Enduring those swinging moods, supporting you financially, adapting to your work schedule. When one get a research degree, it is for the sake of the researcher (except if one’s research is a part of sponsored project to find cure to dire illnesess or the like). My professor once told me that almost noboby will read other’s doctoral dissertation unless one publish it in the journal. And how many of those articles are truly seminal ones that change the society at large? Hmmm……

and why so pissy about it? Because I realized that I’ve become the person I despised, the typical-arrogant-alumni. My parents always taught me to be humble, hence I always replied those comments modestly. However, spent almost all of my adult life in that old-old-often pompous-institution, I cannot help but absorb the culture and behave in the similar way. Yuck!
Yeah, ridiculously annoying.