Another World Cup has come and gone. It truly is a special time in which we can finally and unarguably answer the question of which country is the greatest in the world. It is also a time when I have something new and far more entertaining to distract me with at work. Thank you World Cup! Here are some messages to the many participants of this year's World Cup. This is gonna be long.
To the African nations (Algeria, Cameroon, Ghana, Ivory Coast, Nigeria, and South Africa)...You were a good host as far as I can tell. You introduced the world to vuvuzelas, which weren't any where near as bad as they were cracked up to be. I so very much wanted to see you guys have more success. Your teams are always likable and fun to watch, but many of you had injury problems and tough draws. South Africa, I am glad that you scored the first goal of the Cup and you followed it with probably my favorite goal celebration. Algeria, you were part of one of the biggest goals of USA soccer history, unfortunately it cost you the game. Fortunately Ghana exacted revenge for you. Ghana, you made it out of the group stages and outplayed the USA only to lose in one of the most talked about games of the tournament. It's a shame that sometimes handballs are strategically the right thing to do. That was a terrible way to exit the World Cup. To those I don't know anything about (Denmark, Honduras, New Zealand, Serbia, Slovakia, and Switzerland)...I don't think I watched any games you played in. I also don't think I missed anything important.
To France and Italy...You both played in the last World Cup finals and you both failed to advance out of the group stage this time. I liked this since you play boring soccer Italy and France, well, you're France. France you exited on an especially high note by adding more credence to French stereotypes.
To Australia...My friend cheers for you and so I support you when I can. You have neat jerseys. Plus you are called the Socceroos which is very likable. Unfortunately you are not very good and did not last long, but you did beat Serbia, helping Ghana to be the only African nation to advance.To Greece...You are my homeland. I like your food. I like your jerseys. I like your nearly unpronounceable names. I even like your hairy fans banging on drums in the stands. Despite all of this I cheered against you when you played Argentina. Sorry.
To Slovenia...Your game against the USA was the real start to all the referee controversies of this Cup. Not sure that had anything to do with you, but that was clearly the biggest deal in the only game I saw you play in.
To the Koreas (North and South Korea)...North Korea you didn't win a single game. You were utterly destroyed by Portugal, but scored a goal against Brazil. There was a joke that the news back home told you that you drew and won those games. Unfortunately that joke is very believable with you. South Korea you advanced, but lost quite readily. I saw Argentina beat you 4-1 in which Gonzalo Higuaín scored a hat trick. I liked that.
To Japan...You faced the first of two penalty kick shootouts in the tournament. I hate penalty kick shootouts and so I feel bad for you, especially you Yuichi Komano. I heard that reporters brought your mother to tears over the "dishonor" of missing the PK that cost you the game. Fortunately the team was received as heroes and you were given a medal. Class act Japan.
To Chile and Paraguay...Both of you are in South America and I like South America (except for one part of it). South America did very well this Cup with all of its teams advancing out of the group stage. I would have been happy to see an all South American semifinals and it nearly happened until Europe got in the way...again. I didn't watch either of you play very much, but I really wish you had beaten Brazil (the unique part of South America I mentioned earlier) even though it didn't turn out to matter.
To Portugal...You had the most goals in any one game when you played North Korea. You also didn't score a single goal in any other game. This proved to be a poor strategy. Next time try spreading your goals out across games. Cristiano Ronaldo, despite being a good player, you are not very likable so I never watched you play. Prior to the Cup starting you were on the cover of Vanity Fair in your skivvies with another man (Didier Drogba) in his skivvies. You gotta be happy about that right?
To Brazil...You have won this thing a lot. The whole world seems to love you. Well you are also Argentina's rivals and I don't like you. I was not sad to see you lose. I liked watching the dutch Robben frustrate you with his constant attempts to draw fouls, but if it helps any, I ended up not liking Robben very much either.
To England...You are the self-proclaimed inventors of soccer. As such you think you are one of the best teams and everyone likes to pick you to win the Cup, sort of as a sleeper pick. You did win it in 1966 when you were the host country. Since then you have been shocked, surprised, and dumbfounded every World Cup when you lose. This year was no different (at least this time you had an historical bad call to complain about). However, this year you did give us the greatly unamused David Beckham and I liked that.
To Mexico...You were one of the first teams I ever cheered for in a World Cup. You consistently have great jerseys and your name, El Tri, is terrific. Unfortunately you keep running into Argentina in the World Cup and I have to cheer against you. I wish this wouldn't keep happening as I want to cheer for you, but such is life. You were one of the distinguished teams to get a raw deal from the refs. I still think you would have lost that match, but that is too bad. Tévez did score what I think may have been the best goal of the World Cup against you (not the offsides one) so at least you will be in a lot of highlight compilations on YouTube. To the USA...You certainly play with a chip on your shoulder. I would recommend not adding to that by giving up goals in the first 10 minutes of your games. You are not the most talented squad and certainly not a very fast one, but boy you have a lot of grit and hustle. That got you through a lot. You're getting better USA and the nation is seeing that. If you could somehow make football less awesome you might become really popular. It helps that you, I think for the first time ever in the history of the group stage, managed to win a game that ended 1-1.
To Germany...You beat Argentina. You also did this in the quarterfinals in 2002. I do not like you. Usually saying something like "your coach eats boogers" would be a childish insult. Who knew that it would turn out to be factual in your case. I am surprised, but not upset that you didn't win this whole thing.
To Uruguay...You are a lot like Argentina and so I love you Uruguay. I think every country should have one, sort of like the USA with Canada. You were an easy team to support. I have a theory that you were one of the prettiest teams in the Cup, but I would need girls to look into that for me. Diego Forlán nearly won a World Cup for you single-handedly. I am glad he was deemed the best player of the World Cup. I was upset that you beat Ghana the way you did, but I couldn't bring myself to cheer against you.
To the Netherlands...Your jerseys are very iconic and I like them, but I had no idea I disliked your brand of soccer so much. If there is such a thing as "joga bonito" you must play the opposite of that, along with Italy. Though I was thrilled to see you get underneath Brazil's skin and beat them, I just couldn't pull for you. Maybe when you lose Robben I'll like you more.
To Spain...You were a lot of people's favorites to win this whole thing. I didn't think so. They were right and I was wrong. Still I was happy to see you win and am glad that there is a new World Cup champion who has never won it before. The final certainly wasn't pretty, but you pulled it off. Kudos to you!
To Argentina...Ah, Argentina! I have saved you for last. If it weren't for my time with you I probably wouldn't have cared much for this whole tournament. My soccer spirit was born in Argentina and having said that I can say, unbiasedly, that you are easily the most likable team in the world. No question about that (unless you talk to the Germans apparently). You are truly what all teams aspire to be, but you are still mortal. Your team is loaded with more talent than almost any other. You have wonderful fans and a classic jersey. You are always a favorite to win the whole thing. Nevertheless you almost didn't qualify and so I didn't know what to expect from you. I was pleased enough. You may have the world's best talent, but you also have one crazy coach. Turns out he made you the media darlings of the World Cup. He even appeared to be a decent enough coach, until you played Germany. I don't like Germany. And so you returned home again empty handed. One day I will see you lift the trophy, but not this time. Until then I'll be waiting.
There you have it. It was quite the ride. Like so many things, it didn't end the way I would have liked, but I am still glad to have had it. See ya in 4 years!
One of the best ideas the movie business ever had was the concept of dollar theaters. These little babies only charge a dollar for all the glitz and glam of going out to the movies. The only catch is you have to wait till the movie is no longer relevant for it to arrive at one of these establishments. Don't let that fool you though, you can find some real gems in there like this one. If someone came and told me that Mark Wahlberg had a new movie coming out, I'd probably only be a little interested. I mean ticket prices these days are outrageous and I can play "Good Vibrations" anytime to get my Marky Mark fix. So you throw in Will Ferrell and tell me that he and Mark are cops. Ok, now I'm a little more interested. Add a little Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock as super cops? Michael Keaton as their police captain? Now this is getting tempting, but still probably not enough to get me to fork over the $10-$15 to go see it. This is the genius of the dollar movie theater. If I am only paying a simple buck then you better believe I'm interested in this movie. Shoot with a cast like that, I'd see just about anything for a buck. I'd say this one was worth maybe even 3 times that amount. 
Lets say you have an idea for a story. Its a good idea full of good characters, but despite all that it is still just a touch too plain. What do you do? This book provides a perfect answer. Here we have a novel about early 19th century English gentlemen who largely discuss what it means to be an English gentleman and how an English gentleman best aids society and then they try and do that. And they do that for about 800 pages or so. Sure, if you are an early 19th century English gentleman or are otherwise interested in early 19th century English gentlemen this just might be your cup of tea, but for I daresay the majority of us, this probably sounds a bit boring. So here's what you do. Magic. You throw in some magic. Make some of those early 19th century gentlemen into magicians. Maybe add some mischievous faeries or something too. Oh and prophecies and legends. Everyone loves prophecies and legends. Toss in some gentlemanly magic rivalry and BAM! You've got yourself a bestseller. Susanna Clarke did this rather well here and that small additional detail made all the difference in whether I would read/enjoy this book or not. I am confident that this formula could spice up just about any story. If magic seems too played out to you then here are just a few other boring scenario panaceas that you could toss into just about anything to jazz things up:
Did you ever have a philosophy class in high school or college? Me neither, but like most people, I did see The Matrix. That was basic philosophy with guns, kung fu, and radical visual effects. Not only did it spawn several trends, but it even made discussing philosophy seem cool. Everyone would talk about the extremely basic philosophical idea presented in the movie as though it was thought provoking and worthwhile. Eventually, as is the case with most of philosophy, we realized that all this questioning got us nowhere and that the answers really didn't matter and so we stopped discussing it (plus some mediocre sequels made it seem less cool). If you miss those days then you should go see this movie. Its the same idea, but rather than questioning if this is all some horrible virtual enslavement by a bunch of evil robots, the question revolves around whether all this is really a pretty ordinary dream (don't worry, thats not the plot, just a theme). Like The Matrix, this basic philosophical idea has been given the Hollywood treatment with radical visual effects, but less guns and kung fu (but it does have zero gravity fighting and thats a lot like kung fu). Also like The Matrix this has and will generate many discussions about seemingly thought provoking and worthwhile topics, that ultimately are meaningless questions which accomplish little, but help you seem more intellectual. Still, like The Matrix, this is an enjoyable and entertaining movie that I liked. If only the discussions that follow it were as enjoyable and entertaining. In the movie the characters have items that help them distinguish reality from dreams. Shoot, I don't need any items to know what's real. So how do I know that all this isn't just something that I am dreaming? Because I am not Batman and I am not wailing on a guitar that has a cool "hot rod" flames paint job.
You've all seen the Ocean's Eleven movies right? Its pretty much a group of dudes getting together and making some super complicated, delicate, highly improbable, and largely dependent on luck plans to pull of some major heists. Yeah, they're pretty cool (plus they all have my birthday brother in 'em). While watching them have you ever thought "I wonder what this would be like if it had more heavy artillery and explosions?" If you have then you just might like this movie. They don't have tuxes and there are no casinos in sight, but they do have machine guns and helicopters. They use these to pull of some ridiculously elaborate plans and almost all of them result in explosions too. They do all this with 7 less people! Their wisecracking is not quite as uber-cool as Danny Ocean and company, but they do have a parachuting tank that they fly. Thats always a pretty fair trade in my book. I don't remember really watching this show as a kid, but I do remember that it had one of the best opening themes ever and one of the coolest catch phrases of all time. All this movie needed was those and it would be well on its way to being good, but they kicked it up a notch and made it more than good. Flying tanks will do that. 
