What's keeping me away...

Hello World... Yes, I'm still here.  Life has been, well.... exactly what life is and should be...Full and busy. I haven't given up the blog, after all, It's the one place I am completely allowed to preach away on my soap box...and besides, you're here reading it so what does that say about you...I've just found some things that interest me more than writing right now... New projects in a sense... Projects like My refurbed coffee table!!!

Okay, so this picture still has the drop cloths down, and the thing is currently awaiting it's second coat of Poly coating, but I had to share it with the world, or at least the few interested in my world.  This little guy took some time... and a few mild explitives, But I kinda really love the way it's turning out.  Yes it is a stencil, I'm not that great of an artist. And like all things in life, I learned a little about the job and myself. More on that later.  As soon as I get the second coat of sealant on it, I plan on taking it down to a glass store in town. After all the time I put into stenciling the thing and then using a fine tipped brush to touch-up the various mistakes...I'm not letting someone (namely myself) put a cup, or plate, or purse, or book on this thing only to have it scratched and banged up. I'm not a DIY expert, nor is this the forum for that... So long story short? Quart of blue paint, Sample size of the grey, Stencil from Hobby Lobby, and a lot of time and waiting and wallah.

Amists my refurb furniture projects, I took some time out to go and watch Sister's boys while she went off to get engaged... In a beautiful location... with a beautiful ring... to an awesome guy.  I realize that may seem slightly envious, but I'm not.  I was happy to do it.  Perhaps this weekend should have been reserved for a post all it's own... but I totally enjoyed being with the boys for those few short days.  Lessons from my weekend of Psuedo Motherhood...

1. I'm not a football mom.  Bring on the Cellos, the bassoons, even baseball or soccer...But I dare say you will not see me running along the sidelines, screaming, while wearing the team jersey.  Nothing against the sport.  In fact I really don't mind watching a game once in a while.

2. It's okay to tell them no.  Now, this one was a little hard for me at first.  After all, I'm fun Aunt Jo, the one who gives in and buys things for no reason. Though to them it seems like the world is going to end if they don't get that cookie, that third helping of potatoes, or that time at the friends house.  But it's okay to say no.

3. Obedience  buys freedom. I knew this as a kid, but it was still awesome to see it as a guardian. When I said to be home at a certain time and they were? There were rewards given... When not? Consequences enforced... Obedience = freedom

4. There's a reason they come in the eat, sleep, poop stage...

5. Me time is limited and should be treasured.  Now, please don't take this out of context and remember that I am a single female that has been on her own for her entire adult life. All I really know is me time. Yet, giving some of that time up to be with those boys was rewarding... But when I did get those few minutes here and there alone? Everybody needs alone time.

6. Women just need to be real with each other... Guess what? We forgot a helmet on our way to practice and had to turn around making us late... I misjudged time and T was late for warm-ups before his game... There wasn't time to do everything... I would have rather been shopping at some times... Every meal doesn't have to be perfect... Ponytails are highly functional... The dishes had to sit for a bit...Little #1 left without a jacket ... I guess what I'm saying is that  NONE of us are perfect. No Household is the same. Women, STOP comparing yourselves to everyone around you. Fill the measure of YOUR creation, not Jane's next door.

I guess that's just a little... Other than that life has consisted of clocking lots of callback hours, stripping the upholstery off a wing-back chair for 11 hours (talk about a test of patience),
 baby showers, LulaRoe parties... oh, did I mention call? Trips to see the family, taking in Joseph at Tuachan with the parentals...

Life has been full of messy little bits lately, Tiring? Yes.  Frustrating? At times.  Filled with awesomeness and happiness? Absolutely!

Washer and Dryer and Stairs, oh My!

Hello world. Just checking in since I've been a little on the quieter side as of late.  But this random thing called adulthood decided to kick it up a notch a couple months ago, and that has been occupying my time.  Oh, I fully understand that I've been an active participant in this thing called adulthood for a few years now. And, FYI children of today's world aka you youngin's just crossing that double decade mark. Being a responsible adult sometimes isn't fun in the sense that it's not always full of friends, parties, and random adventures (um... strike that random adventures...), but it is worth it. I wish I could fully explain why it is so awesome to work 40+ hours a week and have the majority of that money go to taxes and bills, but I know few of you would believe me.  Someday I hope you understand.  (**Exit Soapbox**) So,  like I was saying life has gotten in the way of my psuedo attempt at being a writer. Let me explain.

It was a torrid July day here in the desert.  I had been visiting my people in the northern highlands for the celebration of our nation's Independence.  Perhaps it was the incommodious living conditions brought on by the lack of an adequate ventilation system's efforts to cool the joint down. (Like the time the brand new AC broke and the Landlords were out of town....)  Perhaps it was one too many naked Old Lady Roommate sightings. (PS... turns out she's younger than my parents, just looks/acts MUCH older).  Perhaps it was just time for something new.  Whatever the preemptive causation, that July day I walked in my house after a long day at work and immediately knew I could know longer be in that house with some of those people.  It was time to start looking for something else.  In all honesty I had been wanting to move out and on for a few months by this point.  However, there were a few things that were making me drag my feet.  I think part of that was timing.

You know those Tender Mercies in life? Those small seemingly inconspicuous things that happen to make the most impact? Finding a new place to live was one of those. Making the decision to leave was easy, but almost immediately I began thinking of all the things that would make it impossible to leave the current situation.  90% of which revolved around Money.  I was getting ready for bed that night and in the magical few moments of inspiration that come while brushing one's teeth, I thought I should check with an old roommate and friend from Idaho and see if her parents still rent out their condo across town, and if so maybe it wouldn't be too long before it would be available. So,  I sent her a message.... Turns out, not only were they still renting, but the current tenants were all but moved out of it. Not to mention Ma and Padre were looking for an excuse to get away down here for a weekend as well... Long story short, The timing of things could not have been better.  Someone with infinite wisdom, power, and love had His hand  involved.

I asked the roommate to come along with me, and surprisingly she agreed without much wheedling.  I would like to say that it was my simple awesomeness that made her say yes... But I'm pretty sure it was the pool and covered parking that ultimately swayed her decision.  We met with the Landlords on the 12th, and a week later (and many trips up and down the stairs) we were in. It's odd being on my own (almost).  I realized I was a fan of the forced social interaction that roommates brought with it.  However, knowing that I know who is in my home is worth the smaller closet space and increased rent. Plus, I still get to benefit from Sunday Roommate Nap-time.

I kinda feel as though I've almost made the full step into becoming an adult.  Okay, yeah, I've been an adult for nearly 12 years now, but there's something about buying major appliances--like a washer and dryer for instance, which I let the deliver men from Lowes drag up the stairs-- that makes the reality of the situation hit home.  Maybe one day I'll actually buy a house... Or marry the one with his own house.  Until then, The roommate and I will continue to live out our near common law existence together whilst I continue my re-purposing projects...Cause a girl has to pinch the pennies somewhere so she can still buy all her cute
shoes.

Your three sons... and You.

The following stems from a moment of observation when I stopped for lunch after my Drs. Appointment before heading back to Southern Utah two weeks ago...

Hi there,

No, you don't know me.  Yes, I realize I'm staring, but I hope you'll excuse me for visually invading your last moments together as a family for a few years.  I think I needed to see you and your boys today. You see, I've been feeling a little un-grounded lately.  Not so much lost and distant, but tethered. A floating just off the surface, the way a hot air balloon would just before being launched.  I just want to tell you that you are amazing.  Your world is full of stresses that I do not know, nor can I begin to imagine them. Letting your child out into the world at such a young age must be terrifying, despite the knowledge that he is on the Lord's errand.  But I know it's going to be okay, because, well let me tell you what I see...

First, there's the older brother.  Probably 22 or so.  I imagine that he's been home from his mission just over a year now.  I can see how it changed him, and I can also see how that light that he found, the light that he shared, still radiates in him.  I know that you cultivated this light from the beginning. by your example he learned  lessons of love, service, charity, and work that will forever help him to navigate the seas of life.  Of course as the older wiser brother, he sits there reliving these years of service while also unveiling the wisdom he gained in the field.  I can sense that he wants to tell his little brother of his struggles, or his hard walked miles which yielded few results. But he doesn't.  He bridles it; for he too knows what his little brother is sensing this day. He knows what lies ahead only minutes away.

Then, there's the younger brother.  Today is nothing but excitement for him so much so that he is literally bouncing in his chair unable to sit still.  He looks at your young missionary with wide eyed wonder.  Today, and for the next two years, his hero will be his older brother.  Of course life will still consist of Superheros, baseball, and Legos, and Minecraft.  But he will idolize your missionary.  He will eat up his experiences, and wait with eager anticipation to hear the stories.  He will want to be just like him.

That brings us to your missionary. I must admit that I love seeing young new missionaries. I fully believe that anybody can be a missionary any time throughout their lives, but there's always been a part of me that wondered who I would be today if I had served a formal mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I admire their faith, often stepping out into the unknown. I look at your son and I see anticipation, I see love, I see determination, and I see fear of the unknown.  He's sure of what he's been called to do, yet despite the preparation courses, the past experiences from family and friends, and other council he's been given, there is still so much unknown.  From your conversation, I learn that he will be serving the people of South Korea. This call brings with it, new cultures, new religions, new languages, new foods, new people, new challenges, new hardships, and new faith.  But he will conquer and he will grow.

Just as I see his fear, faith, and determination... I see your same fears, your Love, and your Faith. You're trying desperately to hide them.  However, what I see in your eyes at this moment in time, I have seen in my own mother's time and time again. Behind that smile, are eyes of blue so full of worry, love, and heartache.  I'm sure today is not an easy day for you as a mother.  Today you send him off to a wild and crazy foreign country.  I see in your eyes a million questions.  Did I teach him right? Did I help him grow? Does he know the Gospel? Is he really able to learn a knew and complex language? Does he have a testimony of Prayer? Can I trust that he will be protected from the evils of the world? How is my 6ft tall son going to relate to the people of Korea? Will they think he's a giant? Will they listen to him? Will they trust him? Is he ready? Will he return?

Those eyes, Those piercing blue eyes so full of a mother's unconditional love assure me that everything is going to be great.  Maybe not easy.  Maybe not timed to earthy perfection. His gospel is what matters. His Love will ultimately bring us back to him.  Life is full of uncertainty.  But in the end conquering that uncertainty with faith and trust in Him and his timing is what will make this life worthwhile.

So once again, thank you.  Thank you for setting an example for a random stranger.  Thank you for raising good honorable men.  Thank you for loving them enough to let them go and teach the world the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Thank you for being an answer to a prayer you never heard uttered.

Carnal .... Envy; Love .... Peace

So, here's the thing. Sister is nigh unto marriage....or at least things with her latest suitor appear as if they are on that highway. And I'm having major mixed feelings about the possibility.

When I first learned of The Ex BIL and his extramarital escapades, the ONLY thing I wanted for Sis was a good man who would love her. I specifically remember a night not longer after the aftermath, and an all but awkward family function, kneeling down in my bedroom and pleading with my Heavenly Father in her behalf. I told him that night, that I would never know the details between the BIL and Sister. I told him, that I just wanted her to be happy, and I prayed, if it be his will, that he would grant her the love of a good man. At that time I didn't know if Sis and the Ex would work things out. After all I loved him just as much. He'd been a part of my life since I was 13, longer than he'd been out of it. The part of me that couldn't believe, was equally pushing for things to be. Alas, I won't speculate as to why-- after all I am neither judge nor jury--but things fell apart. 

I believe I have been blessed with a small amount of foresight for things in my life. I.E. Marrying later in life. That prayer filled night over a year ago when I petitioned my God for Sister's heart to be healed, just as sure as I knew God would bless Sister with the love of a good man, I was also overcome with the knowledge that she would be blessed to find it before I did.... I wasn't necessarily seeking that admonition from the spirit, yet it came.

When she was ready, I watched as she plunged head first into the dating scene once more. I was constantly torn between envy for the number of men she was meeting/dating and the love required to be first and foremost her supportive sister. Having my own sister share in the joys and miseries of dating was great. Swapping giddy first date stories... We were finally able to enjoy one of the perks of sisterhood that the six year age difference stole from us prior--boys.  But then, where she would go a couple days or weeks between dates, I would go months.... And slowly that envy crept into my mind.  

Then it happened. A wedding idea board popped up in her Pinterest feed. At first glance, it was okay. And then by the 23rd wedding cake pin.... Let's just say I was struggling inside. I knew it would come eventually. I'd prayed for it to come, hadn't I? I knew upon meeting her beau a month ago that this would be coming.... But still those feelings of greed, jealousy, envy, and selfishness began to wedge their way in to my emotions. I didn't like the constant internal battle of good vs. evil. Where I should have been happy for her, I found that I was irritated by the injustice of the situation.  I mean, really? Since when did due process equate to her planning a second wedding, before I even had the opportunity to think about a first? I'd never really had a problem with the whole envy/marriage thing with my family/friends throughout the years.  Why was it such a problem now? 

Alas, as much as my mind wanted to dwell on the carnal injustices of life, my heart willed me to find a way to come to terms with the entire situation... and fast.  And so I turned to prayer.

A little over a week ago once again, I found myself on my knees petitioning my Heavenly Father for more than my typical evening prayers.  I asked for love, I asked for forgiveness, I asked for patience... I asked for the enabling power of  Grace that only comes through the Atonement of my Savior and the strength to endure the struggles of mortality. Simple yes, yet asked in faith.

"And whatsover ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." (3 Nephi 18:20)

And so it came, seemingly instantly despite my feelings of inadequacy or worthiness.  I was filled with the same comfort and understanding that had come so freely only months before.  Those carnal natures of man--envy, jealousy, resentment, selfishness, pride-- were gone.  With them gone, I was able to turn to Sister and relish in the joys and excitement of a potential engagement/wedding. With them gone, I was enveloped in the arms of Love by my Savior.  And I was comforted in knowing that in due time... all his promises will be fulfilled.

I've realized over the last few weeks that I am only beginning to understand the Savior's Atonement.  It wasn't just a sacrifice for sin, nor to loose the bands of death that we may have eternal life, but a sacrifice of mercy and love that "he may know how to succor his people." (Alma 7:12)  It is a gift, freely given, if we but believe on His name and come unto Him.

I think back on that prayer filled night over a year ago.  Why was it necessary for me to receive that comfort in knowing that Sister would find the heart of a good man before myself?  I could have received last weeks same peace and understanding through the Atonement without it.  We all can.  Yet, in his wisdom he sent this foresight and knowledge to comfort and strengthen me.  He knew what a trial this has been for me in life.  He knew that I would need that comfort to draw strength from in order to endure. He knew I would need to be there not to envy Sister, but to rejoice with her.  He gave because He Loves. 

A Lesson in Division

A few nights ago while soaking out some of the stress of moving, being gone most of last week, trying to determine what I want from the men in my life (or rather the lack thereof), I took the opportunity to nose in to the lives of random strangers (AKA Fellow Bloggers).  I began reading Imogen's blog about a year ago when I stumbled upon it via a Facebook link.  Her blog Devout yet Divorced Mormons wouldn't be one you would think a single girl like me would frequent.  But, I needed a way to understand  more of what my siblings were going through.  I had so many judgments about their lives that I knew came without basis.  I needed to understand the physical, emotional, mental impact of divorce... And somehow this beautiful young girl helped.  I suppose I could have asked Sis or the brothers but I didn't. I wanted an opinion and story unbiased by family ties. 

If you were to ask me five years ago about my feelings on dating divorced men, I would have scoffed and answered resolutely that it would never happen.  At 24, divorce was still a four letter word in my vocabulary.  That selfish, destroying, debilitating power had yet to make an impact on my life.  I didn't look down upon people in these circumstances, but once again it was a foreign concept for me.  I was taught that divorce was a last resort, a final option... It didn't exist in my bubble of a world.  And then that bubble took a hit.  Other brother, Older brother, and eventually Sister (who's husband's affair took me completely by surprise) would all be forced to battle out the contents of their lives in ugly divorces. 

Suddenly, people I loved were stripped from my life. I can see now that because of the choices of others (or their own), my siblings were forced to endure relentless heartache, loneliness, depression, and the incapacitating sting of rejection. And yet as I looked around, I could see the rubble and aftermath, but I couldn't begin to understand it.  As long as my vision stayed skewed, I wouldn't understand it.

And that's how I learned lesson number two.

Shortly after signing up for a classified in the online marriage catalog, I met Mr. PhD. Divorced with two children.  Ex simply didn't want to be a mom, or married, or have anything to do with the church. After filtering through the next round of failed communication, next came Mr. Texas,  Mr. Airforce, and then finally the Local Counselor.  These men, shared a similar story.  Infidelity on the wive's part.  In the case of Mr. Airforce who while he was out serving the country, the wife "didn't feel married" because he was never home. For the Local Counselor...She left him for her girlfriend.  I learned some key points in talking to these men...

1. Divorce is a status, not a label.  I used to look at Divorcees with a mild form of judgment.  Due to my lack of understanding I assumed the worst of these people.  However, that is not the case.  These men are honorable men.  Great men, who, because of the choice of someone else, their lives were forever changed. The marriage is broken, not the person or their ability to love once more. 

2.  It SUCKS paying for "their" mistake... Now, I realize that these men shared the same basic story.   They are divorced because SHE had an affair and chose to stay with the "other man".  Also, because she is the Mother... she has the kids which requires you to work endlessly to afford the child support.  She was the one who broke promises, she was the one to walk away, she was the one who broke up the family, and yet you are the one literally paying for it.  I know, I know, according to her the money goes to the kids... 

3.  Nobody should be forced to be a part-time parent.  No, there was no clause on that birth certificate you signed when your little darlings came into this world that said, "Oh, by the way, in five years this marriage is gonna go down and you as the father get reduced to every other weekend." FYI...It breaks my heart to see this. For some of you out there due to careers such as Mr. Air Force, these visits are reduced even further to a few times a year when you actually save enough from the portion of your salary that isn't given to the EX, that you are able to travel the 1,000 miles to spend a week with them. Most of which time is focused on doing "fun" things together in the hopes that your 7 days together will form strong enough memories that they won't forget how much you love them.  In my experience with my nephews and nieces (the majority of which face broken homes themselves), the magic of children isn't the vacations and outings. It's the everyday messy bits that make life worth living... And once again, you aren't there. 

4. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. We don't forgive simply by going through a checklist of things.  Forgiveness is different for every person, in every circumstance.  We can't control how long that process will take, or how we will react to it.  Some days it will be easy, other's will require strength beyond measure. But one day, we will be able to forgive and let go. 

5. Life after divorce is anything but easy. Holidays, vacations, and life will never be traditional or go "as expected".  We each deal with separation, depression, loss, etc in our own way. Their is no one way to get over having your life flipped upside down, inside out, and crushed.  The healing will take time. But it will come.  Eventually it will come.  You will find  a new "normal" that will work.  There will still be ups, and their will be downs. Life, because of who you are and who you've become, will be amazing once more.  

This has been my lesson. This has been what has helped me gain a better understanding. I can now separate the person from the situation.  Ma has always said, "There are THREE sides to every story: His side, Her side, and the truth." And unfortunately we often don't get to know that third side and we won't always understand....

Lessons from the Online Sea

I'm sitting here tonight trying to digest the remnents of too much food during the Memmott Reunion and reflecting upon how much my life has changed in the last few years.  Yet, at the same time so much of it is the same.  Same job.  Same City. Same Roommate (though now I'm down to just one).  Same unchanged relationship status.  So, I guess it's me that's changed.  My vision of the world. My vision of myself. 

I understand that much of my last post made me sound like a bitter, jaded spinster.  After reading my last post, I'm sure some of you would wonder why I spent the money or put the effort into something that I so obviously disliked.... Because despite it all, I needed the online dating experience.  I needed it to open up, to put myself out there, to allow myself to be judged by complete random strangers... I needed to learn more about me. I needed to dispel misconceptions I had about love.  I've often talked about my inexperience in the dating world; and online was no goldmine. But there was something to be learned...

First, I needed to learn how to open up, and let people in.  You would think that someone who puts their thoughts out on an open blog for all the world to see wouldn't be that closed off.  Yet, I am. I claim to be an open book. And... to an extent I am.  It's a filtered kind of open. But deep within the pages are words that few people get to see. 

Two years ago, I had this amazing guy give me a second chance.  He accepted me for who I was.  He was too good to me... Patient, kind, forgiving, educated, intelligent,  honest, willing... He was the first man who wanted me. Like I said;  he was, in a word, amazing. As he began to break down walls, I began to put more up. I never could let him in.  I was content to have him at arms length. I told myself that maybe one day I'd be able to let down those walls.  I was afraid that if I let him see the real me, it would all be over. And that day I stood in his living room and told him that I didn't "see us going anywhere", was one of the biggest lies I've told myself. I let the fear of rejection win. 

That was the first thing I learned from my online dating experience.  I realized you can't keep people at arms length and build a lasting, all scars exposed, accept them for their imperfections, intimate relationship.  You need to be willing to talk about your fears, your imperfections, your regrets, your mistakes, your hopes, your dreams... Because that is who you are.  THAT more than anything says more about you than any hobby, favorite movie, color, or travel log can. Thank you Mr. Airforce for helping me to see what I had and that letting people in won't always lead to judgement and repudiation. 

That was lesson one...

I now see that two years ago, I wasn't in the place for someone like Mr. Awesome in my life. I was still that 18 year old girl chasing the fairytale.  I was the person who wasn't ready for an all scars revealed kind of relationship. I was the one who needed to change. I think I could sense that I wasn't being fair to him... And for that reason I knew I had to let him go.  But little does he know, that I have measured each and every man against him in the past two years...And not one has measured up. 

The Online Sea

It's been an interesting few weeks.  Lots of changes.  Big changes.  Changes that deserve their own posts.... Which will come (Maybe? That is my intention at the moment, but due to said changes my wifi access is limited to working hours.) Among all these changes,  I decided to cancel my subscription that one singles.com website.   Why in a city with almost no dating scene (especially  for those of us over the age of 25...) would I choose to for-go my one source of male interaction? Simply put.... I hated it.  Although, I couldn't say that it was a complete bust.  I met a few great guys throughout my time. However, I met a lot more creeper types. I can say now that I gave it a year and what I feel was a solid go at it.  Despite that... I repeat, I HATED it!  Perhaps in a larger city, it wouldn't have been so... Awful?  But as it was. Most connections I made were with men outside of the state. Not exactly the most convenient for finding someone to spend the rest of your life with.  Sure, I love to travel, but there ain't no way in Hades I'm traveling 2000 miles to spend a couple hours with someone.  Only two were locate locally. And, It's not as though I simply set back and waited.  75% of connections made were because I reached out to these gentlemen first.  Which has also been the case in much of my non-cyber dating life.  C'est La Vie.

I remember standing in the parking lot of Campus, I had just presented the research in defense of  my thesis in preparation for graduation.  One of my classmates and I were talking about life.  Talking about all the joys of dating.  Her marriage was a online success story.  It actually was probably  because of her encouragement that I finally broke down, signed up, and created a profile.  I remember her telling me, "If nothing else, it's a great self-esteem booster; guys sending you messages all the time. Of course there are a lot of creepers, but once you wade through those it's a lot of fun." I would love to say that this was the case for me.  However, seldom did I find my inbox over flowing with flirty "smiles".  On occasion.... But alas. 

I remember thinking when I first joined up, that all I was doing was shopping through the online dating version of Sears catalogs.  So much of the interaction online is so superficial, and even after I would suspend judgement, most men would give up on conversation before you could even break through the facade of the who, where, why, and what-not of smalltalk.  Still, after all this time one question remains.  Why or WHY ladies have we reduced ourselves to such tactics to gain a man's attention? Because it's easier? Because society has told us it's "the new norm"? Because everyone is doing it? GAH!!! Listen to yourselves!! 

I'm sure for those with nothing better to do than stayed glued to their social media devices, it may seem easier. But as a working professional, It's not any EASIER. It's not convenient. Sure it gave me a person to talk to and reading profiles made for a good laugh every now and then, but my experience left me feeling irritated about my circumstances.  Perhaps I'm judging the entire world of online dating upon my experience with this one site. Maybe there are other sites out there.  Better sites.  But why should I have to pay $20 a month to meet people? 

I hear talk from the old crows of life in regards to how the young crows of today don't take marriage seriously anymore.  I would have to agree! All my experience in this dating world has been is superficial, brief, encounters which for some reason causes men to turn tail and run after one date, or a few weeks of exchanged virtual communication. (Aside from that one man that gave beyond the second date a chance; who when he tried to open up the real Jodie.... I ran.) I see  so many people (both male and female) afraid of getting hurt.  Afraid of letting someone really see who they are... But I've learned that until you do? There's nothing rooting you together....We begin to believe the lie that if there is no commitment, there are no consequences. That's the lie.  EVERY choice carries a consequence.  Some life altering.  Some good, some bad. As humans we need stability.  We need support.  Telling yourself you don't is the most hurtful lie the advesary has EVER told.

To Be Continued... 

Throwback.... Life and Liberty of 2002

I know I will probably be scourged, scoffed, and ridiculed... but the 4th of July isn't exactly one of my favorite Holidays.  I would however, place it above Halloween and Valentine's Day as one of my top five.  I enjoy the pomp and circumstance of parades and fireworks as well as time spent with the family.  I love that this Nation all but shuts down in recognition of the rights and freedoms we take for granted each and every day...

Back in 2002 as a 17 year old Junior in High School,  I participated in the City's Miss Liberty Competition.  I wasn't exactly beauty queen material, but I'm pretty sure I had a vendetta against the skinny prima donnas of the world.  But really, how hard could it be to wear a pretty dress, walk in a straight line, give a five minute speech, and answer a question given by the judges panel?  I remember Mom being a little skeptical, but supportive.  She was awesome to prep me not to be disappointed when I didn't win... Needless to say, despite much skepticism ... I won.

Last week I spent the 4th with Sista and the boys.  Breakfast in the park, swimming at the nearby community watering hole, Family BBQ, and fireworks at Thanksgiving Point. That morning at breakfast the little scouts had a flag ceremony in which they asked us to repeat the Pledge of Allegiance. It struck me as I began reciting the familiar verse, that it had been a while since I had said those words. And that made me sad.  Even more, as my brain took a minute to remember the words, I was choked up and nearly brought to tears by the meaning behind them--"One Nation, Under God..."

Sunday, when I was back at Ma's, I pulled out my speech that I wrote and memorized all those years ago. I'll admit I'm not the most politically involved person out there.  Confession?.... I've never officially voted in my 11 years of eligibility. I know.... I know.... Don't judge. I've learned a lot over the past few years. As a people of this great nation with increasing pride, our freedoms are ours to lose. If we continue to passively sit by and choose not to act but be acted upon, we will see more and more of our rights as not only Americans, but as humans be stripped out from under us. We must once more become "One nation, Under God..."

So, despite the fact that I wanted to make revisions and a major rewrite.... I decided their was something about it's innocence that I wanted to share. So after retyping a very water damaged copy that I found, here you are world... My seventeen year old soul. 

The True Price of Freedom

Every day each American has an opportunity that no one else in the world has.  Each American enjoys life, liberty, and he pursuit of happiness.  Each American has something that everyone else in the world only dreams about.  Because of men and women that fought to achieve a dream, we now have opportunities that we hold dear.  One word explains America.  One word describes more than the land; it describes the people, culture, and way of life...Freedom.

This freedom did not come without sacrifice.  No, this freedom has been challenged.  Many of our predecessors fought to bring this freedom into our lives.  Throughout history many men and women have lost their lives.  Lives that they were willing to lose.  Lives they knew could be taken away at any time, in any place.  It is at this price that our freedom has been bought.  At the cost of soldiers lives, we now enjoy our own. 

In early American history, our forefathers had a dream.  A dream to become a free nation.  But, they knew that they had to fight to achieve this dream.  A fight that they would not win easily.  From 1775-1781 they fought, dedicating their lives to freedom and hoping to fulfill their dream.  Although The Revolutionary War lasted for six years, true freedom did not come until 1783 when Britain finally recognized America's Independence. America was now free from English rule. America was a country all its own, but that freedom would be tested.  

Years later America was on the verge of division, North versus South.  Brother fought against brother, father against son.  They fought for slavery, and they fought to make new men free. It was at this time of separation, that they bloodiest war of American history broke out--The civil war.  However, once again, our Nation found peace and unity. 

Throughout history, we've fought to keep our freedom in our lives.  Although World War I, Pearl Harbor, World War II, brought devastation and the loss of many lives to America, one event has brought me to know the true meaning of patriotism and freedom. One event brought to mind all these men and women who paid the ultimate price for our country.  

Without warning, our lives were forever changed by September 11th. All at once our source of liberty and freedom were slain. Yet our nation became stronger.  Terrorism hoped to bring our country to its knees, but we are a united nation and we rose again.  Though the pain was great and hard to endure, patriotism and the strength of a United Nation stood proud and sure.  The freedom and patriotism of this nation will forever shine. 

Our nation and freedom was bought at a price.  Through our flag we symbolize this freedom. A flag that has carried us through every war. A flag that flies over every state capital,  on streets, buildings, and houses.  Long may it wave.  May we continue to fight for this freedom.  Stand proud America though times may be tough.  May we never forget what we have been given. May God bless America.  

Traversing the Narrow...

So... Friday I hiked the Narrows in Zion National Park....Even I can't wrap my head around the fact that I elected to go hiking without knowing the destination.   You see as a Christian and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we're often asked to befriend those around us.  For some reason, earlier that week I felt like I needed to reach out to one of the sister's in the ward. So I reached out and offered to do something with her over the weekend.  I was thinking a trip for Ice Cream... I mean what better way to get to know someone than a little frozen, creamy goodness. Ice Cream only requires about an hour of my time... Room for an escape.

Instead said awesome person, turned around and invited me to go hiking.  And, completely unlike myself I said yes without hesitation--or at least without as much as normally would have accompanied an outing in which the full course of action had not been outlined. (BTW... I'm not apposed to hiking; it's just not one of my regular activities of choice.) Then she dropped that they were planning on hiking The Narrows in Zion...

Now,  As evident by this post back in February... I don't frequent ZNP though it be but 40 minutes away.  I grew up hearing about The Narrows. It was one of THOSE scout hikes. One that required optimal physical fitness and utter stupidity. To me, the thought of hiking "The Narrows" carried the same connotation as Mt. Olympus or Kilimanjaro. But I had accepted. There was no turning back. So without really knowing the people I was with, or really what was planned for the day like destination or duration, we set out. 

As we stepped off the Shuttle, and started up the path of the Temple of Sinawava trail that leads to the river and the entrance to the narrows... (PS... I wonder if the Monks we crossed paths with knew it wasn't an actual "temple" before they decided to visit?)  Immediately my brain began to scream at me.  "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" I was having fun.... And by darn it, I was going to have an enjoyable day.  When my brain couldn't convince me to turn back, my lungs started in.  Like any time I put for some form of physical exertion they proceed to protest. But, I pushed through that.  

Many times throughout the day, I thought of how often I face similar unfamiliar journeys in life.  I step out without knowing when or where the end will be.  And, in the beginning  I have to convince my mind and sometimes my body, that It will be okay.  Often, there are times that opposition tries to slow us down, or make us give up.  But if we push forward... we will find the reward.  Yet, at the same time, I couldn't help but think of what I have missed out in on life because I was too afraid to step out and just trust that the experience would be worth it. 

It's true that exhaustion will come mentally before it comes physically.  So often I wanted to turn back...  But not knowing the end before I even started out, made me push harder, further.  What did I find? That I actually enjoyed not knowing exactly what was ahead of me.  And so often in life, our journey is often much the same.  We are choose to set off on a path... often not knowing where the end will be or where the path will take us.  But, along those journeys we find friends. We find happiness.  We find Beauty. We find struggles. And with a single step we wade through waters much deeper than they first appeared to be. Such is life, and without these diverse paths... Life would be pretty boring.  

We put in about 8 miles that day. Hiking up the river was one thing... I kinda think they forgot that we had to hike out just as much as we had hiked in... Of course I was tired.  Of course I wanted to just be done.  Of course I wanted to be able to magically pull a float tube from my backpack and float on to the end... but none of those were an option.  So it is with life.  You have to keep going.  You have to keep pushing. You will find the strength (mental, emotional, and physical) to make it through the rocky path of life. Giving up often leads you nowhere. It only stagnates and prolongs the journey.  

Pictures discounted to 25 words

So, still haven't found my niche.  Still have writers block... So you get to see my life for the last two weeks via pictures...

Annual Lead Checks... Assuring you are being protected from unnecessary radiation!

I'm pretty sure it was only 8 PM... But I was SO Ready for Bed

Just Finished getting ready for church.... Pager goes off

The BRAND NEW AC broke, and the Landlords are out of town.... It was cooler in the back yard than in the House

PJs & Flipflops is what they get when they call me in at 11PM

I don't like being reminded that this time exists in both AM and PM

AC Still out... taking the Icepack to Bed

Monthly Lab Draw for the RA docs

Lunch at Apollo.... Had to escape the hospital.

Laundry Day

These Things.... ARE AWESOME 

Baked some Cookies for the Yard Sale...

Dad's Rocking Father's Day Present

Going Stag to the Movies... 

Took a walk at Dusk...

Clean Sheets are the BEST!!

 The Long Drive to Delta... Speedometer conveniently not pictured


Test Driving Other Brother's new Challenger with Sista!
"I Feel the Need, The need. For Speed."
"Save me Tom Cruise!"


YARD SALE!!! $160 richer. (I have an addiction...or two)



Can you say D.I.V.A?

Ice Cream Break with Ma... Post Yard Sale

Post Ma's Garage Clean up--- Dirty Jo

When in the Country... We rock the farmers tan/burn

This is how My Monday Started....

How I roll....

First the AC... Now the sprinkler lines...

Hey Buddy, Maybe you should save some of that until after the first date.....

I may never walk again
Find it HERE

Asking Sista for outfit approval for DATE NIGHT!!! (I know...I'm just as shocked as you)

Me, Myself, & Him

As I've thought over the last week or so about a new post, I kept coming up blank.  Well, not necessarily blank per say, but jumbled.  I've been contemplating on a few things here and there. Ideas mostly, that I'm having a hard time getting to come to fruition. I've been working on a post for a couple weeks now, but I just can't get the right feeling to come out of it.  I need it to sound loving and open... Instead it sounds harsh and judgmental... C'est la vie.

But that's another thing.  Life has been pretty smooth as of late... So smooth that that smooth operator known as Satan has had plenty of time to try and weasel his way in--hence, the last post. And so it was a couple weeks ago....

One thing I've come to learn in the last year of searching for a new adventure in the form different employment, I absolutely love my job.  I especially love working with the Neurosurgeons we have here in town.  I Love knowing that I've had a small part in making that program awesome.  I love having my hard work and determination for success acknowledged by the Surgeons and team I work with on a daily basis.  Not in a prideful way, but in a contented way. 

But despite so many things being good in my life, I often have that little negative voice in my head telling me that I "need" more to truly be fulfilled.  Sometimes that voice is really quite, and sometimes it roars awakening a feverish need to obtain and fulfill those wants. That voice roars and tells me I need more things cluttering up my life to be happy.  Cause I should be happier... One shouldn't be content to simply enjoy their current level of happiness.  The voice screams you need to fill you life with these things, needs, wants, desires, etc. so you can be HAPPIER..... So, then when this voice is so loud I begin to think.. YOU'RE RIGHT! I do need this new car or that date with that guy to be happier. I need more in my life!  Who cares if I'm content? Who DOESN'T want to be happier? If I can reach a higher level of happiness, I'm progressing towards something, and my life is no longer stagnant ..... 

So I start searching out "things".  Some simple, some meaningless and temporal--new shoes, a new purse, or dinner out--others more exciting-- another vacation or a new adventure--and some with great eternal reward--marriage and children. But then as my search yields emptiness because I'm searching for empty things, the emotion sets in--the darkness and gloom that I am failing to obtain even some of my most precious desires. If that voice can make me feel like a failure, he wins.  Minor victories to this point in life, but every time he causes me to stumble and fail at something, he knows he's reach through to one of my biggest fears in life... Failure.

Little did I know that I had begun spiraling through the process, until a week ago last Thursday.  Emotion had hit an all time peak, and for reasons beyond my control (aka hormones), the littlest things would set off the waterworks.  Knowing there was only one place I could go to find the peace I needed, I sat out for the temple after getting off work.  I was still on call, so going in wasn't an option.  I settled for the peace and quiet of the temple grounds instead.  As I sat, I contemplated the worries I had and the messages I was receiving.  I let the simple peace calm the storm within my head, and then I turned to prayer....

I petitioned my Heavenly Father.  I told him I was confused, told him I was feeling lost, told him I felt empty, and  told him what I felt I needed to take that emptiness away. I asked him why I had to wait for certain things in life. I told him waiting was hard.... And as I prayed, in his simple and indisputable way, HE told ME that It was okay.  It was okay, because HE loved ME.  That quite night I was reminded of his perfect love for each and every one of his children. 

Content with this peace and comfort, I went home, slept peacefully, and continued to receive answers to that prayer throughout the next few days.  One of answers came as I was perusing through blogs while eating lunch.  Between bites of a raspberry chipotle chicken salad from CostaVida, I came across this post over on She Is More. 

Throughout the post the author poses the question "Is God's Love Really Enough?" And, midway through her post, the author shared these words, "Jesus didn't come to make us happy, He came to make us His." (Amanda Dobbelman, 2014)

Is God's Love enough to fill the voids left by unfulfilled desires in life? And, if it is are we wrong to have these desires and wants in life?  Many people throughout the world have found happiness and rejoice daily in the sacrifice and Atonement made by Jesus Christ, The Only Begotten Son of our Heavenly Father.  I like them, find peace, happiness, strength, forgiveness, and love each day through His true Gospel.  And though these elements do bring joy in life, the ultimate purpose in God's plan, is to bring us back to him through the Atonement of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  He wants to make us His sons and His daughters, begotten, so that we can inherit all that he has. 

That's what I learned that night sitting on that simple stone bench outside the temple. Not only does my Heavenly Father love me perfectly and completely, but that LOVE--HIS LOVE-- is enough. To echo Miss Dobbelman, this knowledge doesn't mean that the natural human desires we face on a daily basis will go away.  After all, we are human.  Desire, passions, and appetites are a side effect of the human experience. But, if we petition our Heavenly Father, His grace and mercy will fill that emptiness that has been pitted out by the perceived unfulfilled desires in our lives. And only then, will the need for searching out "things" be fulfilled.

What Win I....

A couple years ago, I received some council as I was stressing about my lack of dating scene and my developing feelings for another in an unrequited romance.  At that time, I was counseled (from a fairly reliable source) that as long as I  remained worthy to attend the temple, I would be directed in my relationships with young men. I remember thinking at the time, "Puff. Like that's going to be difficult..."

Oh how naive I still seem to be....

I'll admit that I spent a night discussing a few things with the bishop a few short months later. After that night, and his wise council and perspective,  I  set out with a new determination to beat Satan at his own game.  Here's the thing though... He's had THOUSANDS of years to perfect his game...

Do you ever have those moments/feelings/premonitions that SOMETHING (either good or bad) isn't to far around the corner... I've had a few of these in life. Like when Bonny was getting on in age, I knew that I needed to turn her back over to the parentals and fork out the money for a new car. Especially with all the driving I did between Delta and here....through the middle of the lone desert.

Keeping this in mind, there must be something waiting in the wings for me.  And judging by the full-court press I feel like I'm experiencing from that wicked being, It must be pretty awesome.  Cause that's the thing.  I feel like so many things/temptations that were never issues for me, have suddenly been thrown back into the mix in a last ditch effort.  Perhaps it's simply the day and age we live in.  The rest of the world is getting drunk, sleeping around, excusing this and that, justifying right and sorta right. I mean I tended bar without a hesitation of resisting alcohol for months at Famous Dave's just to find my mind fighting to justify a simple "taste" during a winery tour.... and then gladly accepting the grape juice instead. Thank you K-dez and Uncle BTWs for that awesome day.

As I was driving home from work the other day, contemplating the cosmos and overwhelming hormones of my life,  a simple verse shared by a wise man came flooding back to my mind.

What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?

A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy.

Who buys a minute's mirth to wail a week?

Or sells eternity to get a toy?

For one sweet grape who will the vine destroy?

Or what fond beggar, but to touch the crown, 

will with the scepter straight be strucken down?

(The Rape of  Lucrece by William Shakespeare)

What do we "win" when we obtain those things we have desired? What the final reward? Is is just a moment of pleasure, or a lifetime of joy? Does it add to life, or simply numb it? 

What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?

And so I keep this question ever present in my mind because like everyone, I am flawed.  SOO flawed. I recognize that I have been blessed and that many worldly ways are not tempting to me.  I simply have no desire for them.  But I also recognize that Satan is VERY REAL. His influence is everywhere in the world, and will only continue to rise.  We are in the final period of this game of life, and whether we like it or not we are in the game and his full-court press will only continue to increase in intensity.  

I get it.  The picture of life the adversary paints is very appealing to the eye (and mind) an is often accompanied with instant gratification.  God's picture is often like the magic eye 3D pictures from my youth.  At first it can seem like nonsense.  Colors and patterns swirled every which way on a page.  But seeing what God sees for us takes patience. It takes practice.  It takes sometimes twisting, eye crossing, and  painstakingly  changing our perspective in order for the full picture to take shape. And with experience this process takes less and less time allowing the picture to form more quickly.  

So, What will your desires bring to your life? Will they add to it? Or will they only leave you empty, unfulfilled, and wanting more?

Experimenting Faith

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. . . do the thing you THINK you cannot do."

--Eleanor Roosevelt         

Throughout the last year I've been trying to find a new purpose, a new goal to work towards.  I felt as though I was at a standstill.  My dating life sucked, and work didn't seem to provide the challenge I wanted.  After all, I had a Masters Degree.  Naturally, I should have been doing more.  So I decided I needed a new job. Not only that, but I decided that I needed to reach out into the vast cities of the US for a new adventure... And so I set out on CareerBuilder and Simply Hired and applied for anything I thought I had a possibility of being qualified for.  When that didn't work I decided to focus my efforts and turned to the great state of Texas.  I was optimistic that something would turn out.  I mean... Jobs have always fallen into my lap. Why wouldn't it this time?

But time came and went...December became very lonely and depressing which only continued into January... But I kept applying, and kept talking like it was going to work out... But that was the thing. I was only talking about them working out....

At the beginning of April, I scored a cheap(er) plane ticket to go see my K-dez in San Fran.  I was set for four days of laughing, playing, beaches, shopping, and food. PS, Virgin America was pretty much an awesome airline to fly with. Highly recommended.  Any who, before I headed out I grabbed one of the few physical books I'd picked up back in March at  Time Out for Women. This book entitled "The Faith Experiment" by Laurel Christensen.  Why this one and not one of the others sitting on top of it?  I can't exactly say.  I just needed something for those few minutes between sitting on the tarmac and the coveted 10,000 feet barrier at which I could once again turn on my electronic devices.

Now keep in mind by this point I had rebounded out of my dark funk.  I was a pretty happy and content individual.  However, there were a few things in life that still weren't going according to plan.  Blue Eyes was essentially dodging my every attempt to get to know him, my Texas adventure was falling apart, and my hopes of getting the job in the Angiography Lab at work had dwindled as I heard through the grapevine who else had applied for it.

Within the first few pages of this small book, Laurel explains her relationship with God at the time of what seemed a major trial.  She had set a goal.  A worthy, honorable, and worthwhile goal, yet every time she turned around something else was getting in her way of obtaining that goal.  She knew our Heavenly Father was a God of prayer and a God of Love.  She knew that through prayer good things happened in the world. Yet she had a hard time believing that they would happen for her. She writes, "I found myself developing a belief that, for whatever reason, God wasn't going to give me what I really wanted." Ideas that she essentially wasn't worthy to receive these blessings.

I began to relate to her "ideas," and as I continued reading I found many, many more parallels between her feelings and my own.  As she talked about praying and asking for blessings in her life and her resulted feeling of receiving only a mediocre answer in return she related, "Because I felt this way, I simply stopped asking. It was easier to not ask--to be His dutiful, obedient daughter who was content with what she had--than to ask and risk being disappointed by a sincere petition going unanswered yet again." In those two sentences she summed up my entire relationship with God for the last six months.  I had stopped asking for things because it was easier than to think they wouldn't come at all.

I never thought of my self as one of little faith.  My testimony and Faith in my Savior had always been there.  It was so easy for me to accept the Gospel as truth and at such an early age.  I had seen his hand work so many miracles in my life.  Yet, as I read through the experience of this Daughter of God,  I realized that I lacked the faith required for Him to bless me with my deepest desires at that time.

And so, I tried to think with faith, to pray with faith, and to live with faith. I was the one standing in my own way. I had to not only hope that things would turn out, but I had to EXPECT that they would.  I had to reach beyond and know that they would work out.  And so despite my doubts that I would be able to land the Angio job.  I went forward expecting that I would.

As I walked out of the first interview I was elated.  I didn't know what would happen, and yet it didn't matter.  I knew that what was meant to be for me would be. Two weeks later I was called for a second interview.  And again, as I walked out of that interview, I was elated.  I felt as though I had NAILED the interview.  I knew, that if I was meant to get that position, it wasn't be because I held back or lacked the faith. If it was right for me, I wouldn't be denied the desire to expand my career in this way.   A week passed, and the dreaded rejection email came. But despite not having the job, I had gained a greater faith and trust in my Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I was disappointed naturally, but there was also a great peace, comfort, and knowledge that it would be okay. There is something out there for me.  

So,  I'm sure there will often be times to come in this life that I wonder whether or not God is allowing me to live according to my plan.  If it's right and good, God will not deny our desires.  EXPECT God to Answer your prayers.  "The importance of faith is that it's centered in Jesus Christ--that regardless of the outcome, your faith can still be intact because you trust Him and you trust His power and you trust His mercy and you trust His grace. . .  Hope is about wanting what [we] want. Faith is about wanting what GOD wants for [us]." (Christensen, p. 41-42)