So...I am taking a Love and Logic class. Actually, this is the second one I have taken. What is Love and Logic? It's a parenting class. It teaches you how to mange your kids happily and without power struggles and yelling. It's amazing. I wish I could take the class every month or so as a reminder....
Here are some of the main ideas I have caught on to...
1. One of the main focusses is delivering empathy. When your child does something wrong, you start with a sympathetic statement such as, "Oh, this is so sad..." Then you follow it with a loving action. This empathy keeps you and your child in the "functioning high brain" where you are both able to think and be logical. This has helped me sooo much with Mialee. Let's just say she has the ability to push my buttons and I usually end up a raving lunatic. But, with empathy, I am able to keep my cool.
Example: Mialee is supposed to get ready for bed and start her reading. She would prefer to watch a movie and instantly goes into "temper-tantrum" mode. My response? "Oh, how sad. When you act like this you lose the chance to play with friends and will have to earn it back. That is so sad. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Let's go get ready for bed." Mialee's response? "Nooooo! Can I earn friends back tonight? If I get ready right now can I still watch a movie? Please?" And again I reply, "I know it's sad when you lose friends. Right now it's time for bed. Maybe we can talk about it more tomorrow. Let's go." She screams for a while and I just keep saying how sad I am for her. If she pesters me, I say, "I know, we'll talk about it tomorrow." Pretty soon she can see that I am not going to fight about it. She gets ready for bed and with a hug and a kiss she is on her way. The next night, the same thing happens. Only this time she only cries for a few minutes. Then she remembers. I love it!
2. No more lectures or threats or anger. How many of us are familiar with the following statements: If you don't knock it off right now I'm going to beat you! Stop it and I mean it! That's the last straw!... Love and Logic suggests enforceable statements. Enforceable statements are things that you will do or allow. Statements such as; I keep the toys that I pick up. Breakfast will be on the table until the timer goes ding. My car is leaving in five minutes, will you wear or carry your shoes. You may have that if you can pay for it before we leave the store. In these situations, when I ask my kids to do something and they stomp their feet and say "No!" I used to yell and send them to their room. Now I smile really big and get really happy and say, "Oh! I love it when you say no to me. That means you get to pick a chore off the extra chore list!" Usually, they'll say no again. And I say, "Yes! Another chore. It's gonna be great!" She can keep adding chores or go do what I ask, either way. Then the next day when she wants something, I say, "Oh, I think you owe me some chores first." Mialee ended up cleaning the whole bathroom and loving it. We were both happy.
3. The Ah-Oh song. They call this a song because you say it in a sing song voice that keeps the anger out. It works great for little kids. As soon as my 21 month old starts kicking when I want to change her diaper, I sing, "Ah-oh." Then I plop my legs right on top of her and trap her. When she stops, we try again. I did this about 4 times before she caught on. Now she says, "Done." and lets me peacefully change her diaper.
I could go on and on, but I won't bore you any more. Let me just say, though, that one thing Love and Logic emphasizes is changing our attitudes about misbehavior. How much better would our lives be when if our kids start acting up, we simply smiled and spouted off something like, "Oh, that's so sad, it looks like you'll be doing some extra work tomorrow." Let them scream. We don't have to scream back. My goal is to stop the cycle of screamers. I don't want to turn my kids into the kind of parent that loses it at every disappointment or misbehavior. I want happy kids and I want to be a happy person. And I feel like I am finally beginning to understand how to do it!
