Another Open Heart Surgery (part 1)

Well, I honestly didn't think this was going to happen so soon again after his first surgery, but it did. 2 years after Michaels 1st open heart surgery, he had another one. I've been feeling like I need to write down my thoughts about what happened just to keep it as a record. So here it goes. For about 2 months Michael had been persistently coughing, from about April-June. The first couple of weeks of June I was starting to get really concerned. He had already gone to the doctor and was on antibiotics, which helped suppress the cough for about a week and then started up again. I kept having the feeling that I was concerned about it but I felt like it wasn't the time to be completely concerned. The week of June 10th came around, my parents were coming to visit from their mission, my baby sister was taking her family to the temple and her oldest was getting baptized. We were planning for a busy week. I was frantically cleaning my parents house and trying to help Michael with the studio. My parents were planning to come on the 12th but then called us and said they felt like coming home early on the 11th. Not only had Michael had problems with coughing but he also had some wheezing. When he came home that night from work he sounded horrible. It sounded like he had asthma. We got the house ready and then went out to dinner with some friends before my parents arrived. When we were at dinner he had a couple coughing attacks. We went home and he just kept sounding worse. My parents arrived around 9:30/10:00. We helped them with their stuff, and all my parents could say was, Michael sounds awful. They were just reaffirming the feelings I had been having for months. We went to bed and as Michael was getting ready for bed he came over to me and showed me is abdomen. It was swollen. I told him to go and weigh himself. He came downstairs and said, I've gained 7 pounds in 24 hours. and 4 other pounds since Friday, So 11 pounds in three and a half days. I was sick. I tried to stay calm, cause Michael was worried. My first thought was I needed to call one of his doctors to talk through what I needed to do. I spoke with his kidney doctor because I had his cell phone number. He made time for him the next morning, and so we then went to bed. Michael woke me up around 4:00 in the morning and said that he hadn't gone to sleep yet. He said he had been trying to get comfortable but he just kept getting winded when he would sit up and lay down. He said, I can't breathe. So I asked him, tell me what you need me to do, He said, we need to go to the hospital. So we went. The whole time he was walking up the stairs to the car I could hear him struggling, it was freaking me out. My hands started to shake. I woke my parents up and told them we were going. We got in the car and I called the ER at Bethesda. I explained of his history and told them something was seriously wrong and we were coming. The lady asked me why I hadn't called the ambulance. Heck no, I could get him there faster. When we got there I grabbed one of the wheelchairs and brought him in. The front desk lady sent me right back to triage. There we waited for a few minutes and then the nurse came back. The nurse took his pulse ox first thing and it was normal. They still put oxygen on him and did some more tests, all normal. Then we did a a chest x-ray. It took them an hour to come back to give us the results. An annoying doctor who had no feelings whatsoever about what was going on with Michael came back to tell us like it was no big deal, "It looks like you have congestive heart failure, we are going to admit you." My heart sunk as the doctor explained that he was going to get us a cardiologist, and that we would do more tests. I just looked at him and said, "You can't just give us any cardiologist, I need a good one." He looked at me and said, "They're all good." I then put my head in my hands, and he walked away from me. (Punk)We sat there, no doctor, no nurse in the room, freaking out. After all that we had been through congestive heart failure? For some reason something inside of me told me that was wrong. Maybe a half hour, 45 minutes passed and no one came in the room. This nice doctor comes in, warm and friendly, explaining to us what the next steps would be. He gave us comfort and we felt better about what was going to happen. We were sent to a new floor and one of our friends came and waited with us. The longer we waited the worse Michael got. At that point he had started to have coughing spells so bad that he would turn blue and purple. He had also started to cough up blood. I don't remember how long we were in the room but I remember it feeling like forever before anyone came. I even went to find the nurse to tell her that I was watching my husband get sicker by the minute and we needed to move this along faster or something even more serious would happen. They moved his CT scan to the top of the list, and finally after me throwing a mini tantrum we got people moving. We finally had a cardiologist, a nephrologist, a pulmonologist, and a CT surgeon. Each one came in to let us know their findings from all the tests they had done in the ER and with the CT scan. The cardiologist came in and told us it wasn't congestive heart failure, (relief), the pulmonologist came in and said a few things I don't remember, and then never came back. The nephrologist came in and also agreed it wasn't congestive heart failure, (so what the heck was it!!) I was starting to get really frustrated at this point until the CT surgeon came in. He was kind of snotty when he came in, walking in with a chip on his shoulder, then proceeded to tell us that Michael had a mass in his chest and they weren't sure where or what it was. They didn't want to do a CT scan with contrast because they didn't want to hurt his kidneys, so they needed to do a few more tests to rule out anything else. Our friend left at that point and we did a few more tests. The tantrum I threw earlier was big enough that they decided to move Michael to a floor in between a regular floor and ICU where he would get more attention. We finished the last tests and went to the new floor where we waited. I felt so anxious and so nervous. I went to find the nurse after 30 minutes of us being there by ourselves watching my hubby get sicker. Michael was coughing consistently and spitting up blood every time. They kept him on oxygen but I could tell he was still struggling to get a deep breath. I knew we had to do something. I was there with him for a little while cause I felt like I couldn't leave, the nurse came in one other time before I felt like I could leave, so I reluctantly left. I was driving to my moms and I got a call from Michael. He could barely talk, he was freaking out. The only thing I could make out was that the surgeon had come in to tell him that the mass was on his heart. He needed surgery. On a scale from 1-10 the surgery was an 11. The surgeon didn't feel like he could do the surgery with the means he had at the hospital. The last thing that Michael said to me was, I don't want to die. So I went home, got my dad and went back. When I got there, not only had he been having coughing attacks but he had been hyperventilating also. He looked at me and my dad and cried. He said I'm not ready to die, I still have more to do. My dad talked to him while I silently freaked out. I don't remember what I said to Michael but I remember that while my dad and I were there the nurse didn't come in. I went out to find her and they were doing shift change. The new nurse finally came in and I let her know that Michael needed to be in ICU, there was no way I was leaving him there over night. I explained to her that the other nurse hardly came in, and that wasn't acceptable. She was really nice and reassured me that she would do what she could to help Michael, she even called the ICU doctor on call that night to come in and speak to me and assess Michael. My dad and I did our best to get Michael to ICU. While we were speaking to the doctor, he suggested that we put Michael on the Bi Pap machine. It's a machine that helps you get a deep breath in and out. Once we got Michael calmed down enough and on the machine I felt it was OK to go. I went home with my dad, we hardly spoke in the car, we both knew that whatever was going on was really bad. I drugged myself up with some sleep meds to get a little bit of sleep. I hardly slept at all. I got up early and got ready for the day. Michael called me to inform me that the CT surgeon had come in to inform Michael that he was going to the Cleveland Clinic where the surgeon knew we would be in better hands. I raced over to the hospital, I think my dad was there, and my two sisters were there, and then my brother in law came. My other sister tried to make it in time to say goodbye to us but didn't. Bethesda finally moved fast, they got us an ambulance and were there by noon. The ambulance ride was awful. I sat upright for 3 1/2 hours watching Michael drift in and out of sleep, completely exhausted. When we got there I had no clue how massive the Cleveland Clinic would be. When I walked in with the ENTS and Michael on a stretcher, I felt completely overwhelmed of how massive this place was. I prayed with all of my heart to God, to any angel of mine that could come and be with me and with Michael. I had no idea what was going to happen. I felt this over whelming feeling that people, angels were there with me and that God was aware and I did not need to worry. I felt peace when they wheeled Michael into the room.

I have the sweetest child

I have the sweetest boy. From the very beginning Austin was so easy. He didn't scream or sit uncomfortably as a baby. He was always happy and I loved it. He had the cutest curls and was so independent and fun to have around. When he got to be four years old he changed. He was WILD!! I tried everything to communicate with him. He was disobedient, disruptive, and never sat long enough to even hug me. He was always throwing tantrums and was screaming constantly. He hit, he bit, he stomped. I struggled with this because I missed my sweet boy, I knew he was in there and wanted him back desperately. I struggled for two years with this. The tantrums were sometimes on and off all day long, the longest one lasting almost two hours. I prayed for an answer of what was wrong with him and how I could handle him better. I tried charts, time outs, rewards, and even spankings, nothing worked with consistency. He wouldn't sit still for me to even teach him his letters, numbers, or colors. I ended up putting him in preschool and all I got from the teacher was how naughty he was all the time. I got sick of the dirty looks I got from everyone, EVERYWHERE I went. The comments from teachers, principals, and everyone who came in contact with him. At night, Austin would cry to me, to tell me how bad he was and how much he just wanted to die. I tried my best to just love my sweet boy and praise him every chance I got. He went through kindergarten bored and naughty out of his mind. The teacher called me a couple times of month to tell me that I needed to get him tested for ADHD. In my heart, having already gone through an ADD diagnosis with my oldest, I knew Austin had it too, but a little bit worse. Then came his first grade teacher. Oh how I loved her. Right when Austin got into her class she was on top of things with him. She started a great behavior system and helped with a little occupational therapy to ease him through his really WILD times. I finally felt it was time to get him tested. Sure enough his diagnosis was easy, ADHD. With Austin I wanted to make sure that was the right diagnosis because he also had major mood swings and I didn't want to medicate the wrong problem. So my pediatrician did the "prozac test" with Austin. When you give a child who has ADD prozac it is supposed to enhance their symptoms to officially say that they do have ADD. If they don't then the prozac will calm them down. It was immediate with Austin, he couldn't control himself whatsoever. He couldn't even sit still long enough to eat. So I called his doctor and we got him on a good medicine. It took us a few different ones to find the right one. When the medicine finally was able to help my boy he went back to the sweet, kind, happy, loving child I knew had always been there. He would even hug me, something I had longed for. He went from reading below kindergarten level to reading right along with his peers. He would even write me love notes, and sit by me, and tell me a story from beginning to end. My heart has soared with the progress I have seen in him. Yesterday, he came into my moms room. He had just taken a shower. He said, "Mom, tomorrow I am singing for all the mom volunteers at school." He then sang each song for me. He asked me,"Mom I want you to come hear me." I wasn't going to go because I hadn't volunteered at all at this school, but he was so convincing. So I went. As I watched my sweet boy go up with his class, my eyes filled up with tears, grateful he could stand there and sing the song without getting into trouble. I'm grateful for my Austin's trials, they have helped me become a better, more understanding mother to him. I really think he knows that. We still struggle but nothing like it was. I've been so blessed to have such an amazing boy who I pray for everyday, that he will see his amazing accomplishments and delight in them, like I have.

Thoughts lately

Lately I have been struggling. The last couple of years I have been in and out of depression and anxiety. At times it affects everything I do, other times it just makes me tired. I'm not a depressed person by nature but I can be an anxious person by nature. I've been struggling mostly with living a new life with Michael. Michael is the same in some ways and in other ways he is different. It saddens me at times but other time I'm OK with it because he is still alive. One example of something that sets my nerves on edge is his voice. He has a slight vibration in his voice when he gets mad or when he says certain things. When I hear the vibration I tense up and want it to go away. Another example is when he looks in the mirror with his shirt off and he studies his scars and he says to me, "Don't you think this looks smaller?" When he says that I want to cry, hoping that we won't ever have to open up that scar ever again. I know that these feelings are normal, but I want so bad to feel happy and grateful for these things. Happy that he is here. Happy for his accomplishments, happy he can speak. Just the other day I saw a video on youtube about this couple. When they were dating the boyfriend got into a severe car accident and suffered severe brain trauma. Even though her boyfriend couldn't walk or talk this girl still married her love. My heart was so full to see such Christlike love. I do feel this love for Michael but I hate my anxiety. It causes me too much wasted energy and what might happen or on what did happen. It puts blocks up on my gratitude and my excitement for the future. I was talking to one of my friends about this the other day and she told me how much time she takes for herself each day, how much self reflection she does. I don't do that anymore. I don't know why. She helped remind me of what I need to do to help myself. I really think I have been suffering from post traumatic stress. I know what solders suffer from when they come back from war. They see so much suffering and death. I saw Michael suffer for so long and continue to see him suffer. I saw way too much. My goal for this next month is to self reflect more. I need to. The picture above is the one picture I have a love hate relationship with. It was taken after his first open heart surgery. It signifies the end to an old life and the beginning of a new one, one that I had no clue I would have. I am grateful for the outcome of everything I just want my anxiety to go away so I can enjoy my gratitude and my new life even more. I'm ending with this awful picture because part of me just wants to delete it. It signifies how deep our trauma went and how horrible and scary it was. It was taken after his second open heart surgery, after he went into cardiac arrest for the second time. I took the picture so he could see it because he didn't know what had happened to him. Beware, this picture is not for the faint of heart.

Best Mother's Day EVER!

I know I'm behind in writing about Mothers Day, but the month of May has been insane. My Mother's Day was the best. I try not to expect anything on Mother's Day because I hate being disappointed. I was getting ready for church and I could hear Michael and the two older boys in the kitchen busy at work. I just smiled and felt pretty special. When they were done they came and got me. They had made crepes, strawberries, and whipped cream. My oldest James had made the cutest card for me and Austin had made a card and had got some flowers for me. It was so sweet. I love it when they make sweet cards for me. And then Michael got me the mother of all gifts, my ninja blender!!! I was so excited. I have wanted one forever and was so grateful that he got it for me. I LOVED IT!! When we got to church I wasn't expecting this, but I just felt so emotional. All this talk about mothers and my mom wasn't there. I know she is doing something great with my dad, but I missed her so much. I really have the best mom ever. She is the kindest, most sensitive, Christlike person I know. And I just wanted her there. We got in the car to go home and James, my oldest threw a card at me and looked quite forlorn in his face. I asked him what was wrong and he motioned with his head to the card and said, "Open it." The card was a bio about me, and it was empty. When I asked him why it was empty, he cried. He said, "Mom I don't know anything about you." I felt so bad for him and told him that he probably knew more than he thought. So, on the way home we went through the questions and told him to not worry. When we got home, I hugged him and told him thank you for trying. It was just so sweet. Later, we had my sisters over and their families for dinner. I missed my sister Lindsay and her family though. She ended up texting me. I just wish she lived close. There was something about the whole day that just seemed so peaceful. I love being a mom especially a mom of all boys. They have taught me so much about being a mom and I am grateful every day for their energy and love for life.

It's been a really long time

I have neglected my blog for a while now. Partly because I really haven't felt like right anything and the other part is we have been so crazy busy. I decided to take a few minutes to write something because my sweet Tanner has really touched my heart the last few days. Tanner has decided that he wants to potty train. This time around with Tanner I decided I wouldn't push him at all. I pushed James and lost, I kind of did for Austin, but he was ready so it was easy. But this time, I just decided to not worry or stress to just wait and see what happened. And by golly he surprised us all. Saturday morning he woke up and insisted on wearing underwear, he wanted nothing to do with diapers. So we happily put the underwear on him. As the morning went on he had one accident. He started to get upset and I just didn't make it a big deal at all and just was as positive as ever. So he was then happy to put more underwear back on. The next two times he started to have an accident, but stopped himself and ran to the bathroom. We had a party!! Then Sunday came around, he wanted underwear again without us saying anything. He made it through church with only one accident. He has been going strong since. Today was the best day with his potty training. We went to the gym and he stayed dry the whole time, it definitely helped to have some awesome ladies there who he loves support him. When we got home he was eating lunch and felt some toots coming. He couldn't stop tooting. Every single time he tooted he ran to the bathroom giggling the whole way! Who giggles when their on their way to go poop, not me! Nothing. He did this probably 10-15 times. I finally convinced him to stay on the toilet and read books, Nothing. So I decided to help the poor little guy who was trying so hard to poop on the toilet. I had a suppository. After I helped him with that he took one look at me, screamed and said, "Get that ICE POOP out of my BUM!!!!" He freaked out!! I don't think I will ever do that again. It was so funny though, I couldn't help but laugh. Every time I laughed he screamed at me and would say, "STOP LAUGHING, get the ICE POOP OUT!!!" Good times with three year olds. Boy do I love this age.

I don't like changes

So I have been saying out loud for weeks now that the move we are making will be so good for us because change is good. Um, yeah, I am partly not being honest because if I am I think I will cry my eyes out. I'm going to miss my friends and my stuff and my everything but I know we need to move upward!! I took the boys to their school today and it was a little weird for me. I have come to know and love the Mercer staff so much. They have been there and helped me through some really hard, trying times. They have been patient with my boys and their faults and made them into assets. When the lady was taking us around all I did was miss all of them. I asked the boys when we were done looking around what they thought and they said, we liked it mom! Well, ok then, they surprise me every time. Just when I think it will be a difficult transition they make it easier for me. The closer it gets too the more I feel I'm going to miss my parents terribly. I know that what they are doing is the greatest thing on earth and they will be blessed for it, but I already miss them. The time for them to leave is going to be hard for me.

Moving

I don't like moving, I don't think anyone does. This time around, I feel ok with it. We have decided to move into my mom and dads house while they are gone on their mission for our church. If you want to find out where they are going, this is their blog:http://hustedmission.blogspot.com/2013/11/some-say-it-is-never-too-late.html. I'm very excited for them and really excited for the adventure that Michael, the boys and I get to go on for a year. Change is good, and I'm grateful we get the opportunity to experience some. Of course change comes with some stress. In order for our move to go smoothly we need to sell our house, which is not selling. If we sell our house then we will be able to save money the whole year and be ready to move into a new house. I feel good about the move so I am hoping and have faith that we will be blessed. This year has gone by really well. My anxiety over Michaels health is not as severe, but I still have moments where I think a little cough is going to take us to the hospital. I still to this day can't believe how tremendously blessed we have been with Michaels health, with our business, and with the boys health. The boys still are crazy boys but their skills in school have soared tremendously. James is finally getting A's and B's. His reading is 2 grade levels above where he should be, and he is finally getting math and science. I find myself seeing me a lot in James, especially in how he comprehends things. It's kind of stressful to me, so Michael has taken on the task of helping James with his homework needs. Austin has been our toughest, but he is finally reading at grade level and is working so hard at keeping his hands to himself and staying in his own space. I'm so grateful I sought out help in their behavioral issues even though it has been a real trial. It still is really challenging especially when I forget to give the boys their dose of medicine, I can see the difference the medicine makes in their attention span. My sweet Tanner is the light in our life. The bigger he gets the more talkative he is. He is so funny. He loves going places with me and loves to help me, and is really good at it too. I pray that he doesn't have the struggles his big brothers have had. This past week, on Thanksgiving I got to spend it with my family, minus one sister. I reflected upon the blessings each one of my family members have brought to my life and I found myself being so grateful for each of them. I really find it a huge blessing that we live so close to one another. I did feel a little sad, knowing that this next Thanksgiving we won't have my mom and dad there. I will miss them so much but am so grateful for the choice they have made to serve the Lord. They will be blessed. Below is our Christmas picture this year. It is nice to see Michael in this one so healthy and thriving. I continue to pray he will stay healthy and that we can accomplish what the Lord has planned for us to do.