doubt

front page of the national post: "i have no faith"
sermon today: "the elderly guide us with their faith"

when someone like mother teresa can have doubts
i wonder how i can even have faith
if the elderly are to guide me
but it always seems they pass away too soon

what am i to do?

look within
knowing that i am lost
that it's ok to be broken
that in this unfit state, He loves me even more
and that ache, that shadow is just the fuel that burns
to make me go on
one step closer to Him
because if i was stagnant
then indeed that shadow would overwhelm

connection

it seems on this earth of over 6billion people
that we're all so desperately trying to connect with one another
facebook, internet dating's all the rage
e-mail, phone calls, letters, conversations
we're all trying to connect
but then i find that when we do connect
we yell, we say mean things, we say meaningless things
we don't say anything, we don't pay attention

if we're looking for a purpose
maybe one could be to truly try to connect
to connect with the person who sells you that morning coffee
instead of complaining about the wrong order
to connect with that person fumbling with their change in the express lane
instead of trying to find another lane
to connect with that telemarketer who's called at the worse possible time
instead of pretending you don't know english and hanging up
to connect to our moms who seem to have these microscopic eyes that detect every blemish or pound gained
instead of wishing we hadn't bumped into her on our way to the bathroom

i'm wishing that every moment can be a true moment of connection

someone out there apparently has the same first name!

yes, can you believe it!
someone out there has my first name!
all through the glory of facebook,
some stranger tries to add me
and i find out this devastating news
i am no longer original
sigh

it's odd to feel odd at home
i don't have a space to call my own
but it's a good reminder that everything earthly is temporal
i feel like a vagabond to a place i use to feel so attached
but out east is not home either
i'm in limbo
waiting to see what will be revealed
in a way, i quite like this uncertainty
yes...i said i like this uncertainty
because there is this liberation
no patterns, no familiarity to overlook
everything is fresh and new
even strolling the old campus at which i'll have spent over a decade

i'm unsettled
life's been so busy
with changing my life to reveal another chapter
i'm trying to stay optimistic
but it's hard not to linger on the past
i left a good life
a dear friend
a new romance
but i know it's all about perspective
because the larger plan is already set
and i just have to give myself time to adjust
to form new patterns