Afraid to love. More afraid to lose.

I searched for the lyrics after you mentioned this song. :)

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

-Sarah Mclachlan-

today

Today,
Work is slow... Everyone's still on hols. Especially in Europe and the States.

Today,
He's pissing me off again!! Why do people like these even work?? Might as well stay home and leech of someone else!

He's making me smile again, as usual. Gives me goosebumps, or the warm fuzzy feeling as well sometimes.

He actually came to our Christmas play! But I overlooked it and didn't think he'd come. I'm touched that he made an effort. But I wanna KICK myself for NOT making the effort.

He's so funny and lovable. Wish he were still working here in Cyber.

I'm trying to think of more "he"'s or even "she"s but I can't. Yes, I'm that free and bored. Should've just taken leave today...ish!

: : Mind Storms : :

God... I've gotten it wrong SO many times!! How do I know when it's right?!?!
Lord I don't wanna make anymore mistakes. I don't want anyone hurt again.
How do you know, God?? How do you know? How do you know?

2 outcomes
-> 1) crash & burn
-> 2) seek

I've drilled it into my head for years:-
"No. Don't. It's wrong. Stay away. Negative. Negative. Negative. Negative."
Will I be blinded even when it's Positive?

Peace. That is what I will need. It's what I want to feel when the time is right.

Beautiful. But for how long? Forever?

A blessing. For always, I pray.

Joy. Overflowing. Everlasting.


To honour You. To worship You. To make You smile. To draw us closer to You. To be a light in this dark world. That's the way it should be.

-This I place in Your hands-

The Journey

Sometimes we think or worry about the end of the road too much. That we forget to enjoy the lil things along that road. The beautiful wild flowers. The trees blowing in the breeze. Birds chirping. Butterflies and dragonflies fluttering in the fresh air. Little animals scampering on the green grass. White puffy clouds sailing in an ocean of blue. The sunset. The sunrise. The moonlit and star-filled sky.

Sometimes we just need to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. In the end, even if the end of the road isn't quite what you expected. Or NOT what you expected at all, it would've been worth it anyway, because the journey itself brought you joy, helped you grow, taught you, added value to your life.

Dum dee dee dum....*whistles down the road with a smile on my face*
Actually, I can't whistle. LOL...

"Papa, with you holding my hand, this life is gonna be GOOD... Even though the storms will come my way, I have nothing to fear."

"And you, you, you, you...you, you... you and you, you.. yes you too...you, you, you, and you, and you.. oh! and you.. you and you and you...AND YOU! Thank you... for being the beautiful things in this journey of mine. I could not ask for more. I love you all."

shaky ground / shifting sands..whatever you wanna call it

After all you've gone through, the one thing you thought was stable.
The one thing you thought was the basis of everything.
Where you thought won't go wrong.
Suddenly that too decides to crumble beneath your feet.

What's this all about then?
Where can we confidently call "safe"?
What can we hold on to knowing that it'll never give way?

The answer is simple - God.
He's the only one who remains.
He's the only one who never changes.
He's the only one who will NEVER let us down. NEVER disappoint us.

I guess this is where we learn to fully depend on the only Constant in this life.
To not look at man.
Even leaders fail us.
This is where we learn to mature.
Because we now start to ultimately find council in Him, who's all knowing. Who's in control.

"Abba Father...i put my trust in You and You alone. You hold my world. You hold everyone else that I care about too. And I know you have good things in store for all of them."

: :blessed: :

Let's see... been working slightly over a month now.. It's been awesome.
The colleagues I've been meeting. I couldn't ask for better.
So far 2 senior engineers from Spore have taken turns to come to Msia to help us out. One more will be coming the week after next. They're all amazing.
My satisfaction at work - providing excellent service to our clients. When they're happy, I'm happy. This motivation, together with fantastic colleagues, makes me look forward to work everyday.
Things will change though once we start working 3 shifts. Won't see most colleagues most of the time. Will probably miss them... including my manager. Gotta start making new friends then. heh... if not it'll be lonely working during AP shift or even graveyard hours.
Well, hopefully I'd get to know my US and UK colleagues more during these hours. :P Although it'll only be through online chat.

"Lord, may my colleagues be blessed. May my manager be blessed. May my company be blessed. Your presence go before me as I work here."

-More amazing still is my Father in heaven. Who blessed me with all this. -

cRaP

Yup. That's how you feel sometimes. Now, is one of those times. Oh well...
Guess I'll hit the sheets.

-Good night world-

: : HeaLeD : :

Oh, We stutter and we stammer till You save us
A symphony of chaos till You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
‘Til You read us into poetry and prose
We are kept and we are captive till You free us
Vaguely unimagined ‘til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided ‘til You lead us home

CHORUS:
By Your voice we speak
By Your strength no longer weak
We are no longer weak
And by Your wounds we are healed
And by Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until You claim us
Orphaned and abandoned ‘til You name us
Hidden and disclosed ‘til You expose our hearts

CHORUS:
By Your death we live
It is by Your gift that we might give
That we might give
And by Your wounds we are healed
And by Your wounds we are healed

What kind of love would take your
shame and spill his blood for you
Save us by His wounds
By Your wounds, we are healed
By Your wounds, we are healed
What kind of love
By Your wounds, we are healed
Tell me what kind of love is this
By Your wounds, we are healed.

-Nicole Nordeman-

Kept listening to this song, to remind myself that by His wounds I am already healed. My back really hurt. For no reason!!
Don't recall doing anything that might've sprained or strained it.
It started hurting yesterday.
Woke up this morning to find that I could hardly stand or walk.
Even sitting down was agonizing. :(
Actually, even lying down caused me pain. Had to gasp for air everytime I moved coz a sharp pain shot down my back whenever I did.

Praise God that it's better now after spending the whole day in bed.
In ONE position! sigh* But yea, the pain has subsided. The medication probably helped too. But most of all, My Healer has touched me... I'm grateful for those who have been praying for me. :)

. : weight : .

-tired-

Starting to feel the weight of balancing work, church, social life, and personal life.
Man...feeling pretty tired...
"God, give me wisdom to know which are the things in life to focus on as well as those I should let go a lil.. Most of all, strengthen me with Your joy... That I may do my best in all things that You have called me to do and that I am committed to."

Good night world! A brand new day awaits me...

-zzZZzz-

When I heard the rough job scope of my job, I liked it.
Now that training has started, and I'm finding out more about what's required of us,
I STILL like it!! If not more!
I'm actually finding things that I hated studying in uni, interesting now! LOL...
Studying it for exams is so different then actually seeing it being used. The technology is so cool!! Can't wait to get into the details. Today was only an overview of all the technical stuff. Gotta start reading up again about ISDN, TCP/IP, PCM, FDM... hehe...

Bumped into got spotted by a gazillion old friends from various times in my life today whom I didn't know works in Shell and I haven't seen in years. grin* So many people to catch up with!!! Many lunch appointments on the way!!

OH! During training we also got to meet our colleagues in Singapore through the video conference. SOOO FUUNN!! They're all great people! And I think my manager is the best in the world! :P Couldn't ask for more...

And once again.. thank You Daddy God... thank You thank You thank You...

1st day of work.

1st day as a conference support engineer in ACT Teleconferencing.
Well, we haven't gone live yet. Training will be till end of the month.
But the first day went well. I enjoyed myself. :)
Still think I'm really blessed with a super nice boss.
With a good working environment (in Shell).
With very professional people training us.
Even the helpdesk is SOOO professional.
I know that coz I had to call them like 10 times yesterday!! lol...
Had to settle smartcard and my desktop issues. Make sure they're working fine and all.
Their system is too canggih dy...
Even the telephone that we'll be using are so canggih!!
SOFT PHONE!! Ever heard of that!?!? Appropos to be exact.
The training by shell bout Appropos usage was pretty fun. Hands on practice. :D
I have SOOOO much more to learn! And I'm looking forward to it. WHEEEEEEEE!!!

"Jesus, go with me to work everyday. That the company be blessed because of Your presence."

: : mess : :

Why does there exist such a thing called emotional attachment??? Doesn't it just mess people up?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*breathe*

There! just needed to let it out.

"Rachel stop being a dumbass!"

my first step.

I was at crossroads. Was a struggle to which path I should take. But now I've taken my first step. Entering a whole new world, I'm still letting it sink in. It's exciting!! Yet scary.. Not knowing what lies ahead. All I know is that God holds my future. :) That's all I need to know. My prayer is that through this blessing, I will NOT forget Him. Everything I do, I want it to be unto God. At work, I wanna work for Him.
And as I start my journey on this path, may His presence go before me.

Fitting into the Master's plans

Referring to my last post. About being blessed.
Another thought dawned upon me this morning as my daddy was praying for me; for my decision.

Yes God blesses us...but it's not JUST about us. Life does not revolve around us and what we receive. But everything that God gives us, is also part of fitting us in His perfect plan. For the world. For the lost. For the needy. For the hurting.

I am honoured, to be part of His plan. To work beside Him in reaching this broken world.

It's not about being noble. Or being sacrificial.
To obey is better than sacrifice. 1 Samuel 15:22

Our Father in heaven isn't looking for sacrifice. But a heart that is willing to do His will. To serve Him in EVERY way possible.

I've realized that maybe the reason of some of my actions is to sacrifice. To "be noble". Maybe even because I was running away from certain things. Or having the wrong mentality of things (Like work!! :P )
But when God provides. He gives you more than you ever imagined or asked for.
He gave me more than I could ever expect.
I know it's not me. It's Him. And I wanna fit in this plan of His.

-Blessed to be a blessing-

Undeserved Blessing

God's favour. God's blessing. We just can't understand it. I can't! I don't deserve it. I didn't work for it. But that's what our God is all about. It's not about what we deserve. But it's about what He wants to give us.

And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

When you receive something out of your expectations and dreams; you know it was all God!! Only He is able to bring forth such good. Such favour. Such blessing.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17

But are we ready for it? Am I ready for it? Can I handle it? I pray that my heart has already been dealt with. And that it is in the right place.

"Thank You Lord for giving out of YOUR riches. And not what my mind can comprehend or what I deserve."

-Living to please the Almighty-

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting Your light will shine
when all else fades
Neverending Your glory goes
beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
in bringing You praise
Everlasting Your light will shine
when all else fades
Neverending Your glory goes
beyond all fame

My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting Your light will shine
when all else fades
Neverending Your glory goes
beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
is to bring You praise
from the inside out
Lord, my soul cries out

: : CoVeNanT : :

Covenant indeed. Who are we to deserve such favour and blessing from the Almighty God?

Honestly, I haven't been handling change
well. Instead of praying more and spending more time with God when things weren't going the way I expected it to, I chose instead to be "emo" and just be undriven, unmotivated. I haven't been soaring in my spiritual walk; not even climbing high... You know how it feels... not being "on fire".

But even so, God's favour has been so evident in my life. Working for 2 events over the past 3 weeks proves it. 3 teams. Target to reach in order to get a bonus. Only one team did. Mine. (I pledged that bonus out of faith before even attaining it). God is good. Not only we reached the target, but our team was the only one which did not receive any complaints.
The next event was the most fun I've experienced so far. The whole team clicked, got along, bonded. We were even sad to say goodbye on that last day.
On top of that, my employers are great. It's been a pleasure working for them and hangin out with them.

Through it all, I still see God's hand. Even in my "spiritual low". Truly our God isn't one who is quick to judge and throw a lightning bolt at us. He blesses us no matter what phase we're going through in life.
GRACE. Brings me to tears thinking about it. It's got nothing to do with our works. Our good deeds. Grace is all that grants us the right to claim all the blessings Jehovah has in store.

Saturday - Been feeling guilty and self-condemned for some time. But it was the first time in a long time I felt the amazing warmth and beauty of His love again. My Father in heaven doesn't think they way we do. Neither does He see us they way we see ourselves. "Thank You" isn't enough to express our gratefulness. This God of ours is too wonderful to describe. We can't understand Him. We can't understand the covenant He's made with us.

and I stand, I stand, in awe of You.....

DaNcE dAnCe DanCe!!!

We're gonna dance, dance, dance in the freedom we know
We're dance, dance in the freedom we know
We're gonna danc,e dance, dance in the freedom we know
Because the freedom we know is gonna last forever!!!
-Hillsong [Mighty to Save]-

Woke up this morning with this song in my head, and heart. :P
Remembering us just going wild and dancing for joy in Hillsongs conference to this song (their latest album). Truly we're created to dance. And God IS a dancing kinda God. :D

So...
"when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance... I hope you dance... " -Lee Ann Womack-

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt like nothing seemed familiar around you anymore?
Have you ever felt like you were slipping back...back into your past?
Have you ever felt tired of being strong. Being matured. Being self-controlled?
Have you ever felt angry, sad, jealous, confused, all at the same time?
Have you ever wanted to take the wide and easy road?

What happens when you do? I guess all we can do is hold on... Anchor on to Him... His promises. His love. sigh.... easier said than done.
Most of the time, you just wanna BEAT something up! Or abuse yourself! Or choose the easy way out...

"Lord, I'm weak and struggling."

Bumped into....

Been meeting alot of people. Interesting ones. Really nice ones. Long lost friends. People that have crossed my life years back. It IS a small world after all... :)

: :TRanSiTioN: :

I knew it was coming... And I'd have to face it. But the whole duration in Aus and NZ, I chose not to think about the reality of it.
-TRANSITION-
Everyone goes through it. And now it's my turn.
Spending all our life studying and learning. It was easy. Our goal was always the same - study hard. Get through school, college, uni...

Convo - Both happy and sad; Glad we made it. Yes sad that we're leaving.
Worst of all, for me, it's like I just fell into the great wide ocean. LOST. Without a goal in life anymore. Without solid ground under my feet. It was as if I had to start my life again from scratch.

Changes - hard to accept. And when reality hit. It hurt. It got me disoriented.

Setting my feet back on the ground - I thank God that He's my rock. I praise Him because no matter what storms lie ahead of me, He still holds me in the palm of His almighty hands.
As quickly as the whirlwinds swirled around me knocking me off my feet, my Lord was as quick to set my feet back on solid ground. On Him. Just as soon as doubt, confusion, and frustration set in, there also came comfort, reassurance, and confidence.

The word for me in this season of my life - "I waited patiently for the Lord." Psalm 40:1
Waiting is harder than walking. Because it requires patience.

"Must life be considered a failure for someone compelled to stand still, forced into inaction and required to watch the great, roaring tides of life from shore? No - victory is then to be won by standing still and quietly waiting...It requires much more courage to stand and wait and still not lose heart or lose hope, to submit to the will of God, to give up opportunities of work, etc and to be quiet, confident, and rejoicing while the busy multitude goes along their way." -Streams in the Desert

For now, I am to wait... and trust God for His leading. I shall not move until the "pillar of cloud" moves. Despite the peer pressure. Despite what everyone else is doing... I shall rest in His will and only do what He calls me to, so that I will not waste my time and energy.

"Open my ears Lord, that I may hear when You speak."

Back in Action

Let's see... 5 MONTHS since I've been here!! WOW! :P

Just thought I'd see if it's still alive. It is. Only flooble chatterbox died. But I got a new one.

Well, alot has happened since I stopped blogging. Lots!!!

Will find time to update a lil when I can.

Now... to enjoy the 3 more days I have in the land of sheep - NZ!! grin*

crappy mood

blocked nose+sorethroat+painful coughing+dry mouth+giddyness+period+fyp = crappy mood

~unwell~

Thurs - a disgusting excrutiatingly painful boil developed on my chin

Fri - GIG Muar
boil got worst - couldn't eat, smile, laugh, or talk without cringing with pain. it really brought my spirit down coz I wanted so much to mingle with the people. but it hurt too much to talk and smile.

adding to it, i came down with fever, headache, and body ache during that first service.

"no...i will not let my body stop myself from being used by God in this trip. i will not let the devil have the last laugh. "

it's not by my might
nor by my power

thank you for the prayers

boil erupted once that night. :P could smile and talk once more the next day.

hot...cold...hot...cold...pain...cold...cold sweat...hot...pain...

Sat
God gave me strength to last the whole next day - workshops, choir, ministry time.

was sick the whole trip; but i had fun; the JOY of the Lord sustained me; & my fellow brothers and sisters and MOTHERS showed so much care and love. am truly grateful.

hot...cold...hot...cold...pain...cold...cold sweat...hot...pain...

Sun-Wed
been having restless sleep. discomfort and pain has been plaguing me every night, EXCEPT the night before my midterm test. thought i wouldn't be able to sit for it. even had MC.
But my Daddy gave me an undisturbed sleep on Sun night. could study the whole next day. sat for my paper. was do-able. heh...

am still unwell... but i thank & praise God that he strengthened me at instances where i needed it most. thank You...

"Where do I go from here?"

The narrow and winding road.
It's finally pretty clear!!
No more thorns and thistles...
No more raging storms...
No more sinking sand...
But I can't see what's ahead.
It's dark.
I'm not really afraid of my future...
I know my Daddy God is holding it.
But I'm at a nice clear spot on that road.
It's peaceful.
But I'm getting bored. Or restless.
I'm tapping my feet..looking around..
"Where do I go from here, Lord?"
It feels like nothing's happening.
I don't wanna be complacent. Stagnent.
I want more. More of You.
I want to move on.
Hold my hand as I enter the unknown.
Show me where to go from here.
I will follow You.

my journey, my darlings..

I don't think I can word the things I wanna say, but I'll try...
I look back at my journey in the past 4 years. And I see such a path made by God.
Even though I was "forced" to come to MMU. I had no choice because I wanted to get a recognized degree. And Prime screwed up.
But it was all part of God's plan. Although I sometimes don't understand my purpose in engineering, I see that the bigger picture doesn't just involve my academic studies.
It involves EVERY single aspect of my life.

I have 5 girl friends whom are very dear to me. I don't know how we came together, but God brought us together. And really, it's a NEW level of friendship altogether.
In high school, i had close friends... we talked bout boys, clothes, secrets, emotions...all that! And maybe talked abit bout church stuff with church friends.
But NOW, the 6 of us, we talk bout boys, clothes, secrets, emotions, AND God, AND His place in our hearts... We pray together, FOR each other, we laugh together, we even cry together and for each other. We've gone deeper than normal friends do. We're REAL and TRUE to ourselves - our weaknesses and strengths. Most importantly, we place Jesus in the center. And His LOVE is what binds us together so strongly.

If not for MMU, I wouldn't have found Acts and be grounded in it. If not for MMU, I wouldn't have got so involved in CF. I wouldn't have taken up leadership in CFMMU. I wouldn't slowly take up leadership in church like I am now. Simply because I wouldn't have been ready for it. Because I would've probably be living in sin and compromise and just digging into the pit that I was in when I first came to MMU.

When I think about the past 4 years, I see such a tremendous growth in my life that I really never imagined myself ever reaching this stage. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally... Finally, I can live each day without that self-condemnation and guilt that used to plague me. Finally I can see worth in my life. Finally I can worhip and serve God freely.
Breakthrough after breakthrough, even though subtle...but they HAVE taken place.
And there's more to come. :)

Father, You are truly gracious. You pulled me out of that miry clay, and set my feet upon the Rock. You blessed me with so many precious people that are always ready to help me along this difficult and narrow road. You never let me go although I failed You so many times. Thank you's aren't enough. I owe You my life, my everything.
And above all that, I LOVE YOU!!! For all that You are. For all that You've done.
For first loving me. I love You.

And my darlings, you know who you are... I couldn't thank God enough for you... And I can't wait to see each and everyone of you fulfill your destinies in Him. It's gonna be awesome and beautiful!! Let's walk hand in hand till the end. Love you babes!! *MUAKS*

Will I? Can I?

I love You more than life.

that means....
I would choose You over life itself
I would forsake my own desires
I would leave my dreams
I would lay down people I love
I would give up everything
I would pick up my cross and follow You.

Will I? Can I? When the time comes, I know You will empower me.

I love You more than life. I do.

i.....

i twisted my ankle for the 1st time.

i miss my melaka friends.

i have finished my itp presentation. =)

i need to start working on my FYP!!!

i want to dance.

i need to stay focused.

i am blogging because it's alot more fun than FYP.
(even though i don't really have much to say)

I need to get back to work now. bleh... fyp HISAP-LAH!!!

the greatest thing....

It's Valentine's day...where lovers celebrate their love for each other. Where loved ones express their love and care.

And yet I'm reminded about a greater LOVE. One that we can't even comprehend. The LOVE that suffered died for us so that we may live. The LOVE that gave us a reason to live; to hope.

::AYA Fest feat. Delirious::
The concert was awesome!! Yes the band is unbelievable!! Martin Smith's voice is just indescribable. But above all that, the night was great because God's presence filled the place. And for me personally, I was given a new insight of GRACE. I finally felt the whole meaning of it.
-Your grace has found me just as I am. Empty handed but alive in Your hands-
That simple line in the song Majesty, got me sobbing. Because I felt so humbled. & so grateful. & words really can't express how I felt. I really realized that I'm NOTHING. I'm just dirt! Another screwed up being on this earth. But God loves me so much that He came down to save me. Not only that, He's using me. And truly I am alive and happy and just so blessed because of Him. I am forever in debt to Him.

~When FAITH fails, & HOPE doesn't come true, remember that God still LOVES us~

Good works, sacrifice, faith, giftings....all these if without love gains you NOTHING! [1 Corinthians 13]
Prophesies will cease, tongues will be stilled, knowledge will pass away. But LOVE never fails.

And now these three remain: FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. But the greatest of these is LOVE.
why? because GOD is LOVE.

And when all has passed away, LOVE will still be the governing principle that controls all that God and His people are and do.

Last day at work.

It's the last day at work.
And as you can see I have nothing more to do as I can be here blogging. heh..
Am I gonna miss this place? I'm not sure actually.
Maybe it'll be a lil weird not seeing these people everyday anymore.
I know I'll miss the FRIED CHICKEN at the chap fan shop!!! *drool*
I remember complaining when I first started working here.
But over the weeks, I realized that I'm truly blessed.
Great colleagues (other trainees) who made this training an enjoyable one at times...helpful experienced sales engineer who is SUPER NICE...the admin girl who's SO CUTE and always willing to help as well...our boss who can be cranky sometimes but overall is a good man. He's one of the few managers that would be willing to teach us along the way, correct us when we're wrong, treat us like real employees and not just useless trainees. Oh! And having my own desk and PC and being able to surf without being screwed. grin*

After this 14 weeks, I just wanna say, THANK YOU DADDY GOD!!! It's your favour and grace upon me that brought me through this time without any hardships. I am truly grateful, and I wanna give all the glory back to You!! Love You Lord!!!

this & that

NO rachel!! Don't even THINK about it!! *BONK*


Crossroads...where do I go from here (after i grad)?
Torn.
But I know He already has a plan for me.
Still, it's hard to not worry at all. Human nature.


Memoirs of a geisha rocks!! The book I mean. I can't put it down!


Gonna start dance practices again!! WHeEEEeeEEee!!! C.A.U.S.E. here we come!!!


oh! Wallace & Gromit was funny! *laugh*


Should I make a new year's resolution?


-lunch time-

My Circuit

My circuit that I've been troubleshooting all week finally worked today!!
Utter satisfaction is what I felt. *beam*

What struck me as I was working on this trainer all week - every tiny little component matters. Every slight difference in ONE capacitor/resistor value affects the whole circuit. A tiny change in voltage source value (like 0.1) can cause the whole board not to work. One tiny transistor that's burnt can ruin the function of the source circuits. I worked on this circuit the whole week, every single day, and it's so hard to detect the problem because every single connection, diode, IC, capacitor, etc, made a big difference.
It just reminded me how important every person in, for an example, a musical play is. Every tiny role- a screaming fan, a tree, a rock. Once that ONE person doesn't give his/her all, it affects the WHOLE play.

Similarly, in the body of Christ. Every one of us matters. No matter how small we may think our roles are. Maybe we can't sing, or dance, or preach, or play musical instruments. But our role could be just plain being happy . Maybe our joy rubs off on others. Or we could just be the "carers"; the ones who ask "how are you doing? Everything's gonna be fine.."
Take ONE of these roles out, and the whole function of the body of Christ is ruined.
I guess I was just amazed at how easily we overlook things. How we are so easily fooled into thinking we are useless, worthless...
So we gotta stop moping around in self pity. Yea sure there alot of more talented people out there. Instead, we should just surrender our whole being into God's hands and say "Hey Lord...this is all I have. If You can use anything, even a donkey, You can most DEFINITELY use me." :)

Pride vs Grace

This morning, pride tried to sit on my shoulder. But immediately the Holy Spirit gave me a new perspective of GRACE.
It's not me. It's not that I'm worthy. It's not that "Look! People like them get touched coz of someone like me!"
But it's "Hey...even though I'm unworthy. Even though I'm the naughty kind. Even though I'm wilder than most good Christians. Even though I fall easily. But God chose to use someone like me. God chose to use this ugly piece of clay...for His purpose, His plans... And for that, I am forever grateful. Because He used something that Satan could've easily used for evil, and turned it into something good. Something to extend His Kingdom. Something to touch lives that need Him.

Jehovah, You're AWESOME!! You're AMAZING!! I am humbled by Your sweet grace. That undeserving grace that You so generously showered upon me. Upon us all.

Hence the song was written:
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now am found
Was blind, but now I see

And after all this, I'm still not the good kindda girl. Still not the "holy" Christian that some people might expect me to be. Probably never will be. But that won't stop God Almighty from using people like me; the wild at heart.

To my Daddy & Friend

I keep saying I wanna get closer to You
I keep saying this year is gonna be great because of You
I keep saying I rededicate my life to You
I keep saying I wanna live for You

But why do I drift?
Why is it so hard
to just find time to meet?

I miss You
I need You
I want to love You more...


As I was driving home from work today... I was thinking about my life. Everything's good. I'm happy. It's fun times. But this is the most dangerous of times. This is when it's the easiest to fall. Because we're caught of guard. Because we forget to remain prayerful. Because we forget to hold on to our Daddy's hands... And we wander off without even knowing it.

"Sweet Jesus, hold my hand. Pull me close to You once more. Don't let me drift. Don't let me wander. I miss You. I do..."

I'd like to reinforce that i LUUUUUUUURRVVVEEE dancing!!!! *grin*
& breaking? Well....maybe ONE fine day....need to get some musCLes first!!
Do handstand against the wall also koyak (my aunt's term for fail/tak jadi)! Apala....

Saw Masako and her kids on Friday....she's still as pretty. And her kids are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ADORABLLLEEE!!! Sarah (the shy one) is at the age I was when i met her mom back in NZ (7 yrs old). They say she looks like me when I was her age. Kairu (the cute big-eyed anime looking lil boy) is 4. Keina (the friendly, talkative & singy one) is 3. And baby Sho(the active one) is 9 months. To think she was single when my mom had 2 of us; and now she's overtaken my mom by 2!!!! ALL beautiful, well behaved children. :) Hope to see them again when I go to Philipines.

Aunt Shirley stayed over last night. She and my mom (& occasionally me) were talking about our NZ bible school days. Gosh... it brings back so many memories that are somewhat vague yet clear... I was only 7 going on 8. But the pictures I have in my mind about the place is beautiful. I miss the bible school grounds....the caravans us kids played in. The warm and delicious smell of dinner when we enter the dining area. The grapes. The bicycles we rode on. The autumn leaves. My school - Thorington School. My teacher Mrs O' Brien. My classmates especially Eleanor. The monkey bars. The streams. The grass. The trees. The road we walked on to get to school. The LOLLIES!! :P My friends; Hannah, Julie, Kirsten, Strathan... We might not even recognize each other if we met now. But those days were amazing!!!
When we visit NZ, I hope Aunt Shirley will be able to gather all our friends there who are still around. A reunion after 16 years would be really something!!

CHRISTMAS
~ the musical was awesome! God really pulled us through even in that short span of time. All glory be to Him!! And thank you Lord for bringing all my friends and cousins. :) I believe they were blessed.

NEW YEAR
~ Life@5... GUESS WHAT!! I actually met a friend whom I knew when I was in Form 1!! and he was in upper 6. And we lost contact since he left. Neither of us recognized each other. But his name rang a bell...& so i started questioning him....till we both were sure of our connection. LOL... it's AMAZING to get in touch again!! coolness!! Plus I was so close to him in Form 1...ages ago....

~ Leon's party!!! Party of the year...never failed to be there for the past 4-5 years. Being with loved ones at countdown...And EVERYONE was around!! *smile* Nice.. Oh! & the buggy rocks!! hehe...
~ a lil hiccup at the end of the night. But it's all good... Next day was still shining...

~ church was good! Lunch was good! Planning for our upcoming dance was good!! bounce* EXCITED!!!
~ New Year's dinner with beloved MMU friends was great! Love you guys!! I thank God for placing me in MMU because of each and every one of you that entered my life since then...

LAST CF of the sem
~ reflection
~ teary-eyed
~ gratefulness
~ regrets
~ touched
~ coming back
~ gonna miss all of this when i leave.... sigh*

BUT... 2006 is gonna be a GREAT YEAR!!! Because we make it to be. Because Daddy is gonna walk us through. Because there's so much more to experience in this abundant life we choose to live. Whoopeeee!!! Year 2006, HERE I COOOOMME!!!! :D