a thing to fill out with my own answers....haven't done this in years!

Right- or left- handed: Righty
Mood right now: settled for the night, peaceful, kinda sleepy, but in that more not sleepy way you know?
Favourite sweets?: cookies, cake, especially really good birthday cake.
Is there anything you would never ever eat?: probably not. I'm pretty open to everything...but I HATE creamed corn.
Clothes right now: comfy fuzzy socks, jeans that fit, black boy shorts, silver bra, black tee shirt, camo hoodie, hair up and messy
Music right now: nothing, it's really quiet in the whole house right now.
What was your last uttered sentence?: "SO WHAT ARE WE DOING TONIGHT!!??"
Plans for the summer: not sure yet. looking into the possibilities of working with Jazz at Lincoln Center!!!! otherwise, hopefully interviewing for public jobs.
Juice or alcohol: juice WITH alcohol
How many pillows?: usually 5-8, 2 for me, 2 for Stephen when he stays over.
Favourite weather: warm
Do you play any instruments?: YES! I'm a band teacher! flute, clarinet, sax-sop, alto, ten, bari, trumpet, oboe, bassoon, piano---eh, violin, drums, tuba, baritone, viola, cello, upright bass, voice
Mornings or nights?: afternoon
Save or waste?: waste, unless its junk, then save and throw out when i have a cleaning day.
Favourite film: Big Fish
Do you believe in life at other planets?: yes, but it scares me if I think about it for more than 3 minutes.
Do you remember your first love?: yes, just spoke to him the other day. his father suddenly died and he's moving home. it was comfortable when i loved him, and took me way too long to get over him.
Do you still love him/her?: no. luckily I was able to break that feeling. how I'm not sure, but I did.
Any gay friends?: a couple. my favorite is Gay Paul, one of stephen's friends. he's a riot!
Is it possible to be faithful for ever?: I think so, I think it takes a lot of commitment and love and trust though.
Do you consider love a mistake?: no. I think that every time I've loved, I've learned, something about me, them, the world, relationships, and its always made me stronger or wiser.
How many kids do you want when you grow up?: 3-6. I'm crazy.
Are you ticklish?: YES! it's terrible when stephen starts, because he doesn't stop, drives me nutty!!!
Do you snore?: yes. that's how Stephen knows I'm asleep
Afraid of insects?: i don't like spiders, they creep me out.
The most disgusting insect?: cockraoches because they suggest dirtiness.
I'm good at: trying.
What superpower would you choose?: to take teh life out of things in order to save others (how many weeds do we need?)
What profession would you like?: cake maker, or chef.
Chips, carrots or candy?: mmmm...chips and dip!!!
Pizza or hamburger?: pizza.
Do you keep a diary?: my blog, if you'd count that.
Do you have a boyfriend?: yes, he's wonderful and I'm head over heels in love with him.
Do you ever plan to get tattood or pierced?: Where?: have and want more! I have an exploding eighth note on my back/side thing that is beautiful and I want so many more...but where so I can hide them!?!? I also would LOVE to pierce right under the side of my mouth, but I can't bc of my job...so I've been considering a hood piercing.
Messy or tidy?: I try to be tidy, but I think I'm naturally a messy person. most geniuses are! HA!
Do you balance on your chair?: to the back? NO! it scares me!
In which hand do you hold your fork?: right.
Describe the boyfriend of your dreams: Stephen. but less illness and more sex.
How many sisters and brothers do you have?: 1 brother...Louis, 19
Are you afraid of blood?: not mine. other people's, yes.
Do you salt your food?: not usually.
Do you like singing?: YES! love it!
What did you study at college: Music Education. Originally Audion Recording and Technology.
Do you consider yourself strong?: most of the time. it leaves me tired though.
Do you sunbathe?: as much as I can!
What do you do when you have the hiccups?: drink from a glass backwards.
Do you smoke?: i used to. i miss it when I'm drinking and everyone else is smoking and i can taste it on stephen's mouth.
Do you do drugs?: not anymore. though I come out of retirement in February.
Coffee, tea or nothing?: coffee, and lots of it!!!!

Christmas!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Yesterday was so great, actually christmas eve into Christmas was great. stephen came over christmas eve, and I got the bracelet I wanted. That sounds so obnoxious, but I really don't ever want anything that's more than a few dollars here and there. I was excited. It is SO pretty too.

I don't want to take it off, but stephen's worried about me sleeping with it. So it'll become a take off, put on thing. Just have to get used to the habit.


Spent 4 hours needing to pee today, because we had a sewer problem and when it was resolved, my dad and brother and uncle went to lunch rather than telling me that i could go to the bathroom and shower. kinda annoying.

Worked out for a while, and felt really good about it. there's nothing wrong with the stairmaster, so that's gonna become my new best friend for a while...and crunches and sit ups again. i figure then my stomach and legs should be in pretty good shape for the cruise. plus some crash dieting, and i'm considering trimspa. haven't decided yet. if i do, i have to hide that from everyone. i'm not sure i'm up to it. plus i'm still on the fence about weight loss pills. stephen's taken them in the past, but so did ro, and she had all these issues afterwards.

anyway. nothing else too exciting going on. kinda a blah day. got a lot of stuff done for work. i think im gonna go have some egg nog, perhaps a lil rum, and then watch a movie. NIGHT!

Days Off

So today's my first official day off from work for Christmas. (this is not counting this past weekend---much better than last weekend by the way!) I figured I'd post about what my days off are like...

I wake up as late as humanly possible. Today around 9:30. then I wander around my house a bit, not far, because the house isn't that big. I feel like my old house was bigger, but square footage wise, I'm wrong. Maybe it was just because I was more comfortable in that house. I digress.

after wandering, if I don't have breakfast or coffee or read the paper...shower. Then my mom will call at least 4 or 5 times. ask me the same questions because she doesn't listen to my answers. and then call back in a few minutes. as I started typing, she called. too funny. any who...I'll get aggravated with my brother or take him out to lunch. I'll do laundry and empty the dishwasher (my least favorite chore) and then lounge some. I'll feel like a sloth later and call myself fat as I look in the mirror (nothing short of a normal day) and wonder how I can loose this weight then try to convince myself that Stephen loves me no matter how much pudge is on my tummy.

that's my day off. Today is Christmas Eve. Stephen is coming over later to give me one of my three gifts. every time he talks about it, I feel like its not the bracelet I was hoping for. which would be fine, because the bracelet was expensive, but i just hope my reaction isn't something bad, it was a small box when he showed me the box. but it was a small shipping box, so it really could be anything, outside of a 3 foot golden owl with ruby eyes and a sapphire beak.

this past weekend was great, we went Christmas shopping on Friday (i canceled my flute lesson) and then stayed in and watched pirates. i fell asleep naturally. Saturday we went to the city, to see Spider Nick which was a great show at this lil bar down on 14th, "Otto's Shrunken Head" what a great old style tiki bar. Stephen didn't want to go, but knew I did so went anyway, which was really nice of him, and reminds me of how wonderful he is. I can't ask for more.

Time to go do some laundry and run a few errands. maybe I can scrounge up money to have subway for lunch!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Blogger how I have grown to love thee in such a short amount of time....SIGH.

So I think its great that I can waste HOURS and HOURS of my day reading about other people's lives. For real, I keep hitting "next blog" and find a new friend, that will never know me and my craziness. I think its fabulous. I hope I continue to enjoy this for some time. I like looking at other people's pictrues, and seeing them happy and sad and in love. and I love the pictures of people pregnant. how fantastic to have a blog where you keep a steady record of your pregnancy. I'm also amazed at how many foreigners have blogs. although, technically they're not foreigners to their friends. am i suppose to advertise my blog? anyone know how to get music on them? i find alot of asians have music on theirs...not being racsist...just stating an observation.

jeannie's on her way...shoes need to go on. peace in the middle east...OH! and another quick note, Mindy Kaling updated her blog. I love reading about how she spends her money from "The Office". Still wishing it were back on.

Sleeping alone

How I hate it! I have a small twin bed (why do they call it a twin if only one person can fit into it?) but when stephen sleeps over, we snuggle in for the night close by each other, one smushed against the wall and the other taking up as much space and blanket as possible. I love this feeling. I love being the smushed one, and i love hearing his snoring and getting him to stop by rubbing his arm. i dont know why, but it works and works well. I love how he will randomly wrap his arms around me in the middle of the night. It's a reminder of how great he is...even when he's sleeping.


When Stephen doesn't sleep over, my bed feels empty and cold. I take even longer to fall asleep and most often it takes hours of tv and counting to get me to sleep. I don't feel safe without him next to me. That was why over the summer he would stay over almost every night when I was house sitting. How I miss those days.

When I sleep alone, I don't go to bed smiling the same way when he is here. I have no one to hear my babble. Or laugh at my snores.

This was one of the ways I knew it was right when we first started seeing each other. I was comfortable beyond comfort. I love that feeling.

time to go to bed alone now. wish me luck in counting.

Feeling it....

Last night was the party I had been looking forward to for a full month...and I ruined Steve's night. It was good at first, but then I got sick, and we were asked to leave the club. not a good night. He spent a couple of hours yelling at me. I'm really dissappointed in myself. No more alcohol for me, for quite some time.

IT'S OVER!

Hopefully now I can return to a sense of normalcy and sanity. Or at least a sense of it.

Last night's concert went SOOO well. The beginners sounded like beginners, which is fine...and the Middle Schoolers sounded grat. compliments have been starting to come in. Fantastic!!! I'm exhausted and will update this later.

It's later in the evening, and I am tired. Its only 5:52PM(EST). I finally cleaned my office today. I didn't have much else to do or that I felt like doing. Tomorrow we take the kids to see "Wintuk". a whole middle school on a train. 'Cause that's safe!

We had an emergency meeting today. The whole building was tense because no one knew what it was about...but I pieced it together, that it would be about John. John is a Master Teacher (as Ron would put it when I was in L-Town) 30-plus years in the same school and brilliant students who end up learning so much. He believed in the Lutheran religion so hard and so deep and really taught Christian values to all of his students. Apparently last night, he quit. We don't know why, Larry and Wayne do of course...but they're not talking. I'm gonna miss him. Its gonna be strange not having him in the building.

I put up my christmas lights in my office. its very calming. I am so exhausted. I just want to eat dinner and go to bed.

Louis was supposed to be home today, however his original flight got canceled and he was moved to a new flight to Memphis then to New York, due to the weather he's now spending a night in an airport in Indiana or something. hmmm...suddenly greyhound doesn't sound so bad huh...?

So we had a "storm" today. I got agitated with my mom. panicked about my insecurities in my relationship because I have too mcuh baggage. I hate that...how I jump to conclusions way too often, no, its not jumping to conclusions, suddenly feeling more insecure than a fat girl at an aneroxic's meeting. I guess I'm just scarred that I'm gonna lose him because I'm not perfect. Over the weekend we were joking around and I started fake crying and whining that all I do is try to be the perfect girlfriend and I continue to fail at it...but I think that deep down inside I feel like that sometimes. Stephen's instant response was "you are...you really are" but I feel like he only says those things to me now when I illecit them. Not just because. I guess that's part of being in a settled and comfortable relationship, but I do miss him coming over and telling me my eyes are beautiful or how much he likes kissing me. I wish I spent more time treasuring that stuff when we were first together, not that I took it for granted, but I wish it was etched harder in my memory.

So all in all, a typical day. I'm really tired, so I'm off to lay down and wait for the office to come on. SUPPOSEDLY its a new one. I don't know if I believe it yet or not. if it is, i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO super excited. Thanks again to Mindy Kaling for getting me hooked to Blogger.

hopefully I'll get back to normal soon. I miss normal.

Its starting to feel a little more like Christmas...

Last night was the first of the two Elementary christmas Concerts. I was really pulling for Deborah, the new teacher, because so many people in the building wanted to see her fail. Which is awful. I hate how that is around here. Some of the teachers are just so nasty.

Wednesday is mine. I'm not that worried as of the moment. Which I'm looking at with mixed emotion. Is it just that I don't care anymore? or is it that I've come to the realization that it is what it is?

Friday night will be our celebration night. Party in the city at Kerin's uncle's bar or something. Dress Casual. I went to Urban yesterday to pick up this great low cut dress with a halter and sleeves...LOVED it online, they only had it in a size large. And despite the fact that I think I'm huge...I'm not a large. That's for sure. There was this other cute frock thing, but Stephen wants me to wear sleeves because I'm always cold, and its supposed to be in the 20's Friday night. However the frock I found is strappy and fantastic. I'm gonna go back tday, try it on, and see what else I can spend money I don't have on. Somehow my checking account magically went from over $100 to $27 over night. not good.

I left my cell phone at home, so of course when Deanna called me I had no clue. damn...coulda had a free cup of starbucks. I have to remember to email Stephen about that. I hat eleaving it home because then I run the risk of my mom going through it. And getting pissed at me..oh, wait, that happens daily for no reason.

So I'm almost done christmas shopping. I have to buy Jeanette's gift for Secret Santa...but I think I know what I'm getting her...a bottle of wine and a fancy cork stop thing. I have to find a good shop/website though.

Laptop update---should be back to me in a week!!!! WHOO HOO! I miss having my own computer so badly. Last night I got home and my mom shut the computer down and told me goodnight. simple as that. ugh. Stephen and I have taken more at home pictures of us just being goofy. I finally was able to pull one over on him the other night with me pretending to be mad. he didn't like it much, but I laughed for a few minutes! He always does it to me though and its so not fair.

ok...time to go check on Pat.

Listening to Jack today...so mellow. so nice.

two days...and counting

two days until my christmas concert. I hate concert prep time. I really do. The best part is getting to buy myself something new to wear for it. I bought this great lil grey/silver dress. It has sequins at the top, shot sleeves, and I'll wear it with leggings an dboots. Stephen laughs at me and my love of leggings, becuse I own about 5 pairs, but don't wear them too often. I don't thin kthey're appropriate for school, unless just as tights. The dress doesn't need leggings, but i think it'll keep me warnm.

I can't wait until Friday, because most of the craziness will be over and I can go back to feeling normal. Well, normal for me. hopefully less anxiety attacks too. I haven't had one for about a week now. BUt I did have one last week when Stephen was over...he was asleep though so I didn't tell him. Friday ngiht we're going to the city to attend Kerin's party. It should be interesting. I'm going shopping this afternoon for a dress or soemthing. Something I can wear over jeans or leggings. Its dressy casual. So I want to look as hot as possible. MOstly because there will be alot of girls, and I want my boyfriend looking at me and me alone. there comes my hints of jealousy and self centered-ness! ugh. i hate that

Wednesdays mean I have a prep period....if I don't have to cover!

Every wednesday morning is our weekly chapen service at work. It's nice, because the whole school comes together and says thanks to the big guy and gets to sit together and sing. I however usually do not go. With my schedule being as busy as it is (usually 7 periods straight, especially now with the concert a week away!) I like to take the time when the building is quiet to catch up. I try to get grades and my website re-done, and possibly some homework. I know I use "I go to chapen once a week as my excuse why I don't go to church. Hoenstly, I agree with whoever said "I worship God and pray in my own way. I don't need a building, or a person in a collar or an organ to tell me when and how to praise God." I'm very thankful for all of the things I have, especially my Sunday mornnings in my warm bed, sleeping late with my boyfriend. And especially for the quietness that is the building on Wednesdays.

Today is a week before the concert. I'm definitely mixed with emotions. Excitement, relief, anger, agitation. I'm tired of kids that don't practice and give me the "I don't care, my mom makes me do this" or "well, our parents pay for us to be here" attitudes. Everyone's asking if the kids are ready or if I'm ready. I don't think band directors are ever really ready for their concerts.

I'm tired as usual on Wednesdays, I love my Tuesday night rehearsals, but it kills me Wednesday morning. I of course planned to get up early today --- at 4:30 --- to start running. Not a good plan after 4 hours of sleep and a really warm and comfy bed that screams your name. Maybe I'll go this afternoon. There was a guy on O&A today that said when he got married, his wife was 110 lbs, and now she's over 160. I don't want to be that. I want to be back down to my 105 days where I fluctuate from 100 to 105. I can do it. I know I can, its just a matter of finding the time and energy. I come home so tired and then end up eating everything I see. I want to lose that weight before February too...that's gonna be hard. I said I was gonna do this over the summer. Didn't happen. Then in September...School started....and now. I get so frustrated with it. Then I start to see my mom in my hips and I don't want it. Of course Stephen is ever the supportive boyfriend ("You look great" "I love you the way you are" "it doesn't matter what you look like") That may be the case, but I don't want him taking Jimmy Norton's advice and cheating on me for a skinnier girl because I've gained weight due to my confort in our relationship. Time to get back to work. I've actually spent the whole epriod writing, getting coffee and catching up with Sharkey. Happy Wednesday!

Tuesdays

My tuesdays are one of my favorite days of the week for many reasons...I know every Tuesday, without fail I get to see my wonderful boyfriend for dinner and then I get to go off to rehearsal and play my lil heart out for about two hours.

We usually do the same few things for food no matter when it is we eat: Subway (tonight's choice), Ruby Tuesday's for the sit-down ambience, Pizza from the really good pizza place on Woodbury and South Oyster Bay Roads, or to mix it up sometimes McDonalds or Wendy's.

In discussion last night (as we talk about food and our days and how much I love him usually) Stephen asked if I wanted to go to McDonalds....NEW SHREK TOYS! however I'm trying to be really good---celery for lunch two days in a row this week!!! SO Subway it is. So filling, so few calories...so many vegetables. I always say, "I'm gonna try something new!" stand at the counter and stare off to the boards for a few minutes and order the same thing. I'm a very boring and typical person. Its truly sad.

I stay at work late on Tuesdays, trying to get work done (HA!) or practicing. Today, I'm writing here. We're about a week or so into me having a blog, and I think so far I'm doing pretty good with it! I love being able to write freely and knowing none of my friends will come back with sarcastic comments and perhaps a stranger will come along and get a chuckle out of my life. I think its also therapeutic for me. I need that these days. It's almost like a lil piece of me that no one knows right now. I haven't even told Stephen about this, he'd probably go "a what!?" and then tell me its good therapy. I need therapy sometimes...and too often I think I can use him for that, which isn't fair for him because all I feel like I do is complain and whine and bother him sometimes. He's so good to me, and all I can do is focus on the negative. I'm hoping that this will help me re-connect with all the good going on.

Speaking of Christmas...WHAT!? I finished shopping for Stephen last night, even got thigns wrapped! I'm so good. turns out that the slanket I ordered for my mom will probably not be delivered for at least 2 months...I'll cancel that and look elsewhere for something else. Ordered my dad's gift yesterday and now its just my brother and secret santa gift.

the concert is coming along...the beginners are driving me nutty, we'll see how tomorrow's jazz rehearsal goes and the MS band is coming along nicely! I'm still amazed that I think they'll be able to pull it off. I re-filed my OLAS info today, so I guess that's the start of my job search for the fall. I had a long talk today with one of the Pastors from here and I think that it helped me sort a few things out. Dave's a nice guy who is young and just starting his family. Still makes me laugh that I go to Islander games with a Pastor! Back to the point...or the tangent of the point, I talked to Dave for a while and I told him about me wanting to look for a new job and why. He doesn't want to see me go, but knows that's how it is and its gonna be. If I do find something, I don't know how I'm gonna tell Larry or anyone around here. I feel like I was so welcomed and so at home, and if I leave, I almost feel like it will be a hard choice for me to make. I wish teh money was better ehre and I could stay here until I really had it or something more administrative like came along. Not gonna be the case though. More on the job at another time.

I suppose that I should go get some REAL work done now. I'll post again soon, and if you have stumbled upon this,I hope you stumble back again soon! Please also feel free to leave replies (nice things only or help!)! Take care!

PLEASE PRACTICE!

It will make me happy. you will sound good and i won't want to go home and bash my skull in with a tuba. Thank you.

The Office...How I Miss Thee

I miss Jim, Pam, Michael, "Beer Me", Dwight, Angela, Andy ----we we're finally getting to know him, "That's what She said", Jan and her plastic boobs, Stanely, Kevin, TEMP!

My Thursday nights have become void of laughter and smiles and now only are filled with homework and sadness and chocolate milk. I miss my favorite characters in their cute little office playing pranks on one another and running around painting offices black. I miss Pam and Jim looking at each other and FINALLY being together, I miss Jan being a bitch to Michael, and I really miss Toby's sense of awkwwardness. I miss Kelly's laugh and excitement over a new boyfriend, pissing Ryan off, and the shopping of the internet.

I miss Dundies, I miss white tennis shoes, I miss cat posters and babies playing instruments. I miss blackberry's, and second jobs and chilis. I miss Sprinkles as much as angela does! I miss Pam's sarcastic comments. I miss Merideth's death---c'mon, it woulda happened soon. I miss the beets and Mose. I miss "girls club". I miss Karen being my worst enemy. I miss Pam and Oscar and Toby and the finer things in life. I miss Jim looking into the camera.

The strike needs to end, people need to get paid. Promotions need to be promotionless or something. I miss the Jellybeans on Pam's desk and her mom comig to visit.

HELP!

Anxiety

So lately, I've been having these anxiety attacks. They may be coffee induced, but I am guessing they are from the stress I'm under at work. I'm constantly tired too which sucks...but back to anxiety. So here's the order:

1. I lay down to go to bed


2. I turn on the tv, Family Guy's on---when isn't it?


3. I turn over a few times


4. Move the blanket to cover me more a few times


5. Start to think, "what didn't I do?"


6. "I could have done more work on that project"


7. "I should have went to find those kids for their lesson"


8. "I wonder why Stephen doesn't think I'm certifiably nuts"


9. "I wonder if I'm doing anything good for myself"


10. "I need a new job"

And it goes on like this as my heart begins to race and my breathing gets shorter and shallower. I almost feel like I start drowning. After a fw minutes of going "calm down, everything is fine. he loves you, he's not leaving, you're doing your best" and a few more minutes of family guy I fall asleep. I'm sleeping through the night, but the second the alarm starts going off I hit snooze and lay back down. It starts again

1. I turn over a few times


2. I cover my body more with the blanket


3. the alarm goes off again and I hit snooze again


4. "should i get up?"


5. "no, i can sleep a little more"


6. "no, i should get up"


7. "i'm gonna feel tired all day if i don't lay here"


8. "oh crap, what time am i teaching tonight?"


9. "how mcuh more work do i have to do?"


10. "what lesson groups do i have today?"


11. "oh god, that one didn't practice, i'm sure"


12. "did i talk to stephen?"


13. "oh yea...every night, before bed. ugh"


14. alarm...snooze


15. "why am i back in bed?"


16. "get up get up get up get up...."


17. "nope. not up. ugh."


18. move the blanket for more cover.


19. shorter breaths


20. faster heart beat

And it goes like that. So now its almost 10...I dread going to lay down now. I already spoke to my honey, who as always said "i love you" at the end of our conversation, which is comforting more than anything other than him being here. When he stays over, I don't have these attacks, but I think that thsoe are what I get when I have too much to drink, I don't think its me being too emotional, I think its an anxiety attack.

If anyone knows a good therapist in Nassau County, let me know. I'll even travel to Suffolk once a week, or every other week-i could do it along with my lessons. thanks.

Favorite words....list to expand with time.

• dissertation
• enharmonic
• flagrant
• steam
• chromatic
• arpeggio/arpeggiate
• believe
• faith
• longing
• missing
• linger
• aphrodi-anything

My response to Mindy from The Office.

So I found my first blogger blog this afternoon, and it was Mindy Kaling's and I got so excited, but I couldn't leave a response. This made me a little upset...Mindy, please let me post....here's what I wrote before it told me no:

I google "the office strike" and your blog was the third thing to come up. First off, nice to meet you. I enjoy your sense of humor and brilliance of being "that" girlfriend!
Anyhow, you make some really valid points and I'm 100 % behind everyone involved in the strike (on the good side, those who want to get paid).
Also, I can't believe no one left you comments. I too would not want to sit next to Bono at a dinner party, and I have had that very discussion with friends about how he's too into the whole thing. I worked at the gap for a while and we started selling the productRed stuff when I was there, every video I had to watch was Bono in Africaa hugging kids. Sad, tear jerking, and heartfelt yes, but a bit much if I do say so for a video meant to say "sell it, don't let it get stolen".
I woulsn't say that you're the worst person to be speaking out. I think its great that you do. Plus you wrote all those "promotions" and you deserve your due. Good luck!
Laura on Long Island missing her favorite show!