Lauren called to tell me her sister in Chicago saw me dancing on TV.

Was she mistaken? She called Lauren to find out. Lauren could, in fact, recall something. Her sister wasn't mistaken; she really did see me dancing on TV.

haha!

Back in August 2002, I was in the Chicago area for a Willow Creek conference. Before flying back to California, I contacted my cousin Mia who happens to be the host of the Chic-A-Go-Go show, a local cable dance show for kids of all ages. The show has a rather large underground following, and people of all ages will show up in goofy costumes and dance goofy dances. They happened to be taping, and I had the opportunity to participate. I had a blast!

Since I don't live in Chicago, I obviously didn't catch the show on television. I had wanted to obtain a tape of the show, but couldn't remember the air date nor the names of any of the bands (they all lip sync their songs) who were playing. If I remeber correctly, we actually taped two shows that day.

If you're ever in the Chicago area and Chic-A-Go-Go happens to be taping, put on your funkiest costume and check it out!

Last night I went into the city to visit with my friends visiting from California. Dhusdee (college roommate) and her husband Nicholas brought along their three-month old daughter Isabelle for her first NYC visit.

Isabelle was smiling, making all sorts of noises, and wouldn't take her eyes off of me. "Wow, she really likes you!" her parents exclaimed. Most babies and little kids really like me for some reason. Either they're laughing at me or with me. Not sure which.

I wish I could adopt a bunch of kids who were orphaned by the tsunami disasater...one from each country, perhaps.

For those of you who may be wondering why I have a male friend staying at my place, be rest assured. There is nothing going on between us. He's actually here for someone else, and I've become something of a wingman...or wingwoman, as it were.

He had been telling me how much he likes her and how he feels really good about it, but it wasn't until I observed him talking on the phone with her that I could really tell. He sincerely likes her. I found it quite sweet.

As the day and evening would unfold, I found myself growing quite envious...envious, not because I wanted him to like me instead, but because I thought it must be nice to be the singular object of someone's attention and growing affection...to know that someone really likes you.

I know...there are now over 100,000 people who have lost their lives and many more who are without loved ones...an horrific tragedy. Still...I can't help thinking...it must be nice.

While in Arizona, a friend of mine called asking to crash at my place on the 29th. I would be home by the 28th and said it was okay. While speaking with my friend yesterday, he tells me he will be arriving at some odd hour tonight/early morning. I suppose that was stuck in my brain as I fell asleep last night, uncertain as to when my guest would arrive.

In my dream, I thought I heard my house guest come through the front door, so I open my apartment door to find a lil' balding Asian man with an empty jug looking for water. I looked at this guy in disbelief wondering why anyone would be looking for water at 3:30 in the morning. He seemed surprised that I wasn't going to help him. My guest came walking up the stairs after my brief interaction with the balding Asian man.

The rest of the dream(s) is fuzzy now. I remember telling some people (friends, I think) who were looking for something interesting to go upstairs into the attic but not to disturb the custodian. (I have no attic, let alone a custodian living in the attic.) And I do remember some kind of secret spy mission or something.

I hear the doorbell ring. Now I'm no longer dreaming. My guest is trudging up the stairs, shoes wet from the snow outside. I remember motioning towards the futon which I had pulled out. I think he laughed at the way I looked, disheveled and eyes half-closed. I think I mumbled something about the towel and the extra set of keys and went back to bed. I looked at the clock. It's 5:30 a.m. Back to sleep. No more dreams.

Anabel in her pj's on Christmas Eve 

No more mistakes...

I have decided that in 2005, I am not going to make any more mistakes. Okay, not any mistake, but the same kind of mistake that I've been making all year long...not that they're exactly the same...but I used to never make these kind of mistakes. There was just something about 2004.

Not that I ever set out to make these mistakes...but in some way, I let them happen...or I could have at least made some choices to keep the mistakes from happening...or something. Maybe "mistake" is the wrong word....some of them were clearly mistakes...but then...I didn't see all of them that way.

Why and how did I become this way? I should know better. I only end up feeling used or being hurt in the end.

Merry Christmas from Surprise, Arizona!

Airport insanity!

Arrived at Newark about 5 p.m. Self-check in. Security. Walk to gate. Arrive at gate by 5:25 p.m. Sit down. Someone sits next to me and calls her grandfather to tell him her flight has been delayed, she will miss her connecting flight, and there's a chance she may not be able to come home. Has MY flight been delayed? Why, yes it has.

Instead of waiting in line, I call Continental Airlines and wait on the phone. Find out my connecting flight has been delayed as well. No other flights I can take to Phoenix. I'll arrive in Phoenix at 2:47 a.m. Tell my sister. Decide to eat dinner.

No fast food for me. Decide to eat at a diner. The host overlooks me and seats a family standing behind me. Manager notices my annoyed face. Seats me immediately at the counter and offers me the first drink on the house. I order a pretty damn good steak. I'm happy.

It's 7:15. Walk back to the gate. Decide to check on flight status before using the bathroom. It's 7:20. The departure time had changed to 7:15! I rush on the plane.

Touch down in Cleveland at 9 p.m. Sit on the airplane for an HOUR before arriving at the gate. Too much ice and snow on the ground and our gate is full.

Find out my flight to Phoenix is delayed until an estimated departure of 1 a.m. What am I going to do for three hours? Go to the bathroom, wash up. Call my sister.

And then...I realize there is a flight leaving for Phoenix at that very moment. Is there room? Yes, but I must board NOW. Any check-in luggage? No. Race in. Call my sister again. Expected arrival time to Phoenix: 1 a.m.

We sit in the airplane in Phoenix. Must de-ice. We sit in the plane for almost an hour before taking off.

Arrived in Phoenix at 1:50 a.m.

My sister, bro, and I stopped at the 24 hour Wal-Mart before heading home to sleep. In bed by 3:30 a.m. Woke up at 9:15 a.m. Knocked on my niece Anabel's door and wished her good morning.

It was a loooooong travel day, but it is good to be with family. =)

The sanctuary of First Presbyterian Church of Englewood (my workplace), all decorated for Christmas.

I'm leaving work a little early to catch my flight to Arizona. Merry, merry Christmas, everyone! May your holidays be warm and joyous!

It's December 23, and I have not done any Christmas shopping yet. Procrastination is rather normal for me, but I don't think that's the issue this time around...because it's never been this bad.

My apartment is a mess. My desk at work is a blizzard of papers. I'm not taking care of my car. I'm not taking care of myself.

Last night, in the most random way, I ran into one of my first-year college roommates. She spotted me inside a crowded, dimly-lit bar on 26th Street in Manhattan. It turns out she's in her second year at USC Marshall School of Business, and she's here on break. I just happened to stop by the bar to pick up a friend and only walked in the bar because my cell phone battery died.

That was so random and strange. On Sunday I also saw someone from my old college days. She was a year ahead of me in school, and I haven't seen her since she graduated.

What's going on?

But, you know...I don't think running into my old college roommate was the strangest thing that happened last night. It was a strange night overall, but it would be way too much to explain.

I'm always looking for new contemporary poets. Here's a poem I found:

The Wicked Fairy at the Manger
by U.A. Fanthorpe

My gift for the child:

No wife, kids, home;
No money sense.
Unemployable.
Friends, yes. But the wrong sort--
The workshy, women, wimps,
Petty infringers of the law, persons
With notifiable diseases,
Poll tax collectors, tarts;
The bottom rung.
His end?
I think we'll make it
Public, prolonged, painful.

Right, said the baby. That was roughly
What we had in mind.

Last night, in the midst of absolutely frigid weather, I felt like watching something really sad and depressing. I rented House of Sand and Fog, and, boy, was it sad and depressing...beautifully sad and depressing...

I have the winter blues. Hopefully it won't be as bad as last winter. I wonder if I could have been labeled as clinically depressed? Maybe this is another reason why I shouldn't be living alone.

Right now, it's 17 degrees outside. With the wind chill, it feels below zero.

The horrid chill began last night, and I found myself longing for the warmth of the California sun. I called a few of my Cali friends.

I complained about the bitter cold, and my friends confessed the weather there was nice and warm. Susan felt so bad about it, she wouldn't tell me just how warm it was. She did tell me, however, that she had to turn on the air conditioning in her car.

Bah.

At Rockefeller Center. Simon, our carol leader...and some cheesy couple taking a picture of themselves with the Tree in the background.

Instead of our normal small group study, we ventured into the city for an evening of carols at Rockefeller Center. Quite a few people were a little apprehensive (or embarrassed? or scared?) about caroling in public, but in the end, it turned out to be an enjoyable evening for all.

The caroling began early for a few of us as we rode the subway towards our destination. Most subway riders seemed fairly indifferent but one person did applaud and one person joined in. At Rockefeller Center, the crowd seemed much more affable to our joyous singing. Several people joined in a different times. A few pedestrians and even a passenger in a car driving by took pictures. One man held his cell phone next to my face while we were singing. People smiled as they passed. Some people even danced. If there is one thing we realized we should have done, we should have brought some Metro materials for those who inquired where we were from.

Perhaps we have begun a Metro tradition. =)

Last night I had my first kimbop (rice, veggies, etc. wrapped with dried seaweed...kinda like Japanese rolls) with cheese in it...sliced American cheese. It's certainly not a combination I would ever think of, but I kinda liked it. =)

I have come to realize that Metro will never be a true wine-lovin' crowd. They are not the ones to explore the complexities of a well-made Pinot Noir...to enjoy the experience of sharing wine and conversation in an unhurried fashion...to exchange tidbits and discuss recently discovered treasures from the local wine merchant...to plan wine-tasting events and trips to nearby wineries...to spend a full day of discovery in wine country.

No, Metro is not that kind of crowd. They prefer their hard liquor.

I need to move. I need to start saving a lot more $$. I need to figure out what I'm going to do. I need a plan, or I'll be wandering aimless forever.

Right now I'm surviving on caffeine (b/c of exhaustion) and pain killers (b/c of cramps). But, boy, was last night worth all the effort!

Last night was Metro's first "Livin' It Up!" event. Our guests of honor were the local homeless, and we wanted to be sure our guests of honor were showered with dignity. It was sometimes overwhelming and certainly exhausting, but an amazing evening for sure. The decorations, the food, the children's program, the professional band (wow!), the entertainment, the service, the gifts...were all top-notch. Great job, everyone! Liz, it all started with your idea and your willingness to take charge! Way to go! I know without a doubt that God was pleased.

I don't think we'll do anything on this large of a scale any time soon, but I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

While I was in California, a couple of people mentioned the movie Sideways. They had explained it as a story of two friends who travel to the Central Coast for a wine-tasting trip. How could I not like a movie like that?? Understandably, it's not as easy to find people willing to watch a non-Hollywood blockbuster. Will (a.k.a. "esch") was my movie companion for the evening. A few ladies opted to watch Ocean's Twelve instead.

Personally, Sideways definitely brought up feelings of nostalgia...memories of driving up the coast and admiring the beauty of gently rolling hills and acres of vineyards...memories of hopping from one winery to the next and enjoying the wine-tasting experience.

I also appreciated all the wine talk, and I doubt that many people in the theater would get certain things if they didn't know, for instance, that artichokes are an anti-wine match (It made me think of the time I brought an artichoke dip to one of Peter's wine parties...and then woke up in the middle of the night with the thought screaming in my mind, "Artichokes are an anti-wine match! I bought a wine-killer to a wine event!!") or why oenophiles despise Merlot. And the way the main character talked about Pinot Noir! So true! I still fondly remember the 2000 ZD Pinot Noir from the Carneros region...worth the splurge.

While wine lovers will appreciate certain aspects of the film, I think even the non-wine drinker will find the film smart, funny as heck, and thought-provoking. The movie is well-acted and the characters are very believable.

I'd pass up a movie like Ocean's Twelve (as eye-fulfilling as it is) and opt for a movie like Sideways any day.

Ever since I've been back, I've been in this sort of emotional daze. I think I'm trying to make sense of how I feel about having been back to CA and returning to NJ. Add to this all of the stuff that has already been brewing in my head, and you have one tormented wumanjoo. Well, tormented is too extreme of a word...maybe slightly bewildered?

Pictures of Hannah's wedding. This is Susan's album, but she's included some of my pictures.

Only a few wedding photos are included in my album. This album is more of an all-inclusive, general overview of my trip to the West.

Enjoy!

I cried twice during my trip to California...the torrential downpour kind, not the trickle variety.

There were a couple of emotional moments during the rehearsal and the wedding ceremony itself. I had to fight back the tears, but I was more or less composed.

After the ceremony, Jonathan was going around with a video camera asking people to say a few things to the bride and groom. I guess I could have chosen a funny story or a smart comment, but instead I decided to tell Hannah and Emmanuel how much I appreciated them. Just thinking about what I was going to say was making me very emotional. And sure enough, I completely lost it. I had to stop taping mid-way through. Poor Jonathan. Even he was having a hard time. Somehow I finally managed to finish what I wanted to say. It was certainly not the most eloquent, but it was most certainly from the heart.

On Tuesday morning before my flight, Susan and I were eating breakfast. I offered to bless the meal. I wanted to thank God for allowing me to be in California to reconnect with friends. And I wanted to thank him for giving me the friends that I have. I wanted to. Instead, all that came out was, "Dear God. Thank you..." Then came the downpour. This one was unexpected.

I don't know how much of this I can blame on PMS, but, then again, I don't feel the need to.

Hannah, the elegant bride. Congratulations, Hannah and Emmanuel! 

The soon-to-be married couple, Hannah and Emmanuel.

I can't wait to see you guys!! =D Okay...uhm...it's mostly that I can't wait to see Hannah...not that there's anything wrong with you, Eman. But I've missed you terribly, my dear Hannah!

Wow, it's been just over a year now when you and Eman were here visiting NYC...when we arranged for you to be whisked away by horse and carriage...when he popped the question...when we all gathered to celebrate.

Now...it's my turn to visit...we'll be whisked away by a flurry of activity...you and Eman will say "I do"...and we will all gather to celebrate...

Yay! =)

My baby bro turned 26 today. Happy birthday!!

It is quite common for Anthony to run into a few people he knows on any given day. It was Saturday night. Young Sil, Will, Anthony, and I were at Barnes and Noble to grab some coffee and cheesecake after dinner.

Anthony introduces me to Joon, an international student from Japan, who was sitting in the cafe studying for his exams. Anthony introduces me as his wife.

"Really??" Joon's eyes light up.

At this point Anthony had walked up to the counter to order drinks. Joon looks at me, eyes still wide and mouth open. "No, no," I replied. I wasn't going to play Anthony's games.

"Girlfriend?? You are his girlfriend??" Joon asked repeatedly with eager interest and fascination.

His enthusiasm seemed slightly odd, but whatever. I told him I wasn't Anthony's wife or girlfriend. I told him we were just friends. We continued talking. He seemed somewhat enamored with me, but who wouldn't be?

I found out later that Anthony had previously told Joon that he was married with kids and that he was in the Adult movie business. When Joon asked him how his wife felt about it, Anthony told him his wife was a porn star. And he told him his wife was Asian. And he told him he also had a girlfriend who was a porn star too. Joon believed every word.

Well, that explains the wide eyes, the open mouth, and the enthusiastic fascination. But I dunno...should I take offense? Why in the world would anyone believe that I could be a porn star??

"Please, come to lunch. I want to hear more stories about Andy."

Andy's brother insisted we all come and join the lunch following the brief ground-breaking ceremony for Andy's memorial site. He talked about how their lives had diverged and how he wanted to hear stories of his brother...perhaps to try and capture a bit of Andy's past, a past he yearned to know more completely.

I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a brother, a brother who was only 14 months younger. It's been just over three years since 9/11. Andy would have turned 30 this past Thursday.

We shared stories. He asked questions. And I wanted to tell him about how his brother not only left us with memories (and I realize there are many memories I wasn't a part of), but that he left an indelible mark on our lives that goes on to this day. But how? How could I explain? Would he understand or would it seem strange to him that Andy's passing...the loss and the pain (which I am sure is only a small portion of what he has felt) is actually what compelled me to return to this area and to move to New Jersey. I doubt I would have come here to help start Metro otherwise.

I didn't take the chance to explain...

The Thanksgiving service at the Presbyterian church this evening will contrast from Metro's Thanksgiving service this past Sunday. The service this evening is community-wide and interfaith. There will be 15 congregations represented and lots of special music. Estimates for attendance range from 200-500 people.

Although Metro did not have such numbers (and quite frankly there would be no way we could due to our lack of space), we had a record number of people for our first-ever Thanksgiving service this past Sunday. Just over 100 adults. 121 counting all the kids.

The service wasn't perfect, but overall, I think the service went well. The skit went great(although I will be type-cast as Yoko forever). Peter preached another passionate sermon. The time of appreciation was meaningful. The food and fellowship afterwards was wonderful, even without deep fried Cajun turkey. We have a lot to be thankful for at Metro.

Yesterday Peter and I were chatting about the service. We talked about where things will go from here. We also talked about how far things have come. Peter thanked me for making Metro a reality. He said he hoped I felt it was worth the sacrifice.

It didn't seem worth it a year ago...or even several months ago. Now I'm just beginning to think, maybe...maybe it was.

I don’t think anyone would have forced me to go through with it. I think anyone would have understood if I had chosen to back out. Yet I decided I must do what I said I would do. I had to complete my dare and blow a raspberry on Anthony’s hairy stomach.

We were gathered at Will’s for another Sunday evening of who-knows-what. Sunny had brought along Truth or Dare Jenga.

My lips would be on a lot of people that evening. I would end up blowing a raspberry on Sunny’s tummy. Amy and I exchanged a peck on the lips. And then…

I really didn’t think I would get the “raspberry” block again. Trying to decide whose tummy I should use the first time was difficult. Sunny’s tummy won by a coin toss. After that ordeal, I told Anthony I would use his tummy if I had to do that again. I really didn’t think it would happen, but I am a woman of my word.

For those of you who have not seen the dark layer of hair, one inch thick, you could not possibly understand. People were telling me I didn’t have to do it. No one knew I had told Anthony his tummy would be next. I had only really said it in passing. Even Anthony said he wouldn’t blame me.

Like Sunny, Anthony opted to stand. Everyone huddled close together to observe in horror/fascination/amusement. Cameras were poised and ready to capture still and video images. Some time passed as I mustered up the courage and as anticipation rose.

I went in for the blow.

I don’t know if I can adequately describe what that was like. Even now I can conjure up the sensation of the one inch thick carpet of hair pressed against my lips. If I ever play Jenga and have to blow a raspberry on someone’s stomach, I’m going for the stomach with the least amount of hair.

So it turns out my parents can't come to Maryland for Thanksgiving. They won't be able to make it to Arizona for Christmas either.

Apparently my mom has had (or is going to have?) surgery in Korea. I knew they were going to be in Korea right before Thanksgiving, and they had planned to fly into the States on Thanksgiving Day. Right now I have no idea what happened. I don't know what kind of surgery it is. I don't know how my mom is doing. I have no idea how to get in touch with my parents.

While chatting over greasy diner food with some ladies, a recently married woman was talking about her plans to "pole dance" for her husband.

The other ladies around the table gasped in surprise. "Oh, my goodness! I could never do that!" "Would you do that??" I was the last to answer the question, and I was the only woman who said yes.

Last night, for some reason, someone mentioned the way I dance. Interestingly, my dancing was described as pole dancing...

Hmmmm...I have this urge to go dancing now. Go dancing and eat fried chicken.

It is not uncommon for me to wake up a few minutes before my alarm, look at the clock, and attempt (with some frustration) to resume my sleep.

This morning, no longer in deep sleep, I told myself to look at the clock. For the first split second my sleepy brain thought it was rather odd that my clock read 9:25 a.m. In that next split second, just as I was about to resume my sleep, the numbers registered in my brain. I sat straight up and stared with disbelief at the clock. My alarm had never been set and I had totally overslept.

I was an hour late to work.

The flyer that started it all...

Since I've been at this church, I've done quite a bit of layout design...Sunday bulletins, monthly newsletters, music programs, programs for memorial services, various event flyers, etc. Sometimes I feel like my job description should be that of a graphic artist rather than an office manager.

Take for instance my latest "project". This church is hosting a community-wide, interfaith Thanksgiving service. Practically every house of faith and the mayor are all involved. Somehow the responsibility of designing the flyer fell on my lap. And then the flyer became a bulletin insert. And the latest request is to turn the flyer into a placemat to be placed in diners throughout town. I find this all really funny.

If you find yourself eating at Jackson Hole, Baumgart's, Royal Cliffs, Englewood Diner or any other diner in this town, you may be eating off my artwork. HAHA.

"[name omitted] is still single," Kumar mentions so matter-of-factly.

How many years has it been since they first mentioned this guy? Four years? The guy they so obviously assigned as my partner in their wedding party. I still remember how ridiculous it seemed that the shortest bridesmaid was paired with the tallest groomsman.

Must I go through my list of why it would never work? (Need I remind them that his last name rhymes with "Joo"?) Why is it always so easy for me to shut the door before even trying? I suppose I have always trusted my gut feelings. Is that wrong?

I wonder how many more years it will take before I give in.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Sunshine!

The culprit, Jaelin.

My usual weekend of late nights and late mornings was thrown into disarray by fifteen-month old Jaelin. Jaelin's cries and enthusiastic "Hi!!" roused me from slumber and out of bed much earlier than I wake up during the week.

Fortunately, Jaelin didn't consume anything hazardous nor did my little apartment sustain any damage. I'm amazed all four of us were able to survive in that little amount of space.

It was a lovely visit, but most likely their last visit in my tiny apartment. Rej and Kumar are expecting a second child (a boy!) in about three more months. Oh, the life of a young family!

I have always heard that circumcision is a painful procedure. I suppose God commanded the Jews to circumcise their sons when they're eight days old so they will have no recollection of the pain.

Well, last night, I heard not only one, but TWO circumcision stories from men who were circumcised in the 7th grade. Wow. Englightening. Who knew even a passing BREEZE could be painful.

Now I think I better understand the story from Genesis 34. Two of Jacob's sons were able to kill all the men of an entire town because the men had been circumcised three days before. Talk about being defenseless!

My friend Rej, her husband Kumar, and their baby daughter Jaelin will be visiting this weekend. Yay!

My biggest fear is not that my apartment is too small (which it is) but that my apartment is not child-safe. Jaelin is walking now so I can only imagine what she will get herself into at my place.

Now if only I could figure out what to do this weekend with my guests...

Chocolate show, anyone? =)

In our phone conversation, Deborah also brings up this guy that she's been wanting to set me up with ever since I moved to NJ. (He lives in Connecticut.) Actually, I think she's been planning it even before I moved. I met him once before a couple of years ago. I remember it was the first time he had ever eaten dried seaweed. I think his normal diet is probably macaroni and cheese.

She's giving me a month to think about it. What shall I do?

Yesterday I received a voicemail from my old college friend, Deborah. She concluded the message by saying she had some important news.

Of course I had my assumption considering the fact when someone says they have news it's usually something life-changing. She's already married, so the logical conclusion would be pregnancy.

Let me back up for a moment, since most of you will not know anything about Deborah. Deborah is my ambitious career-driven friend. Ever since I have known Deborah, she always talked about her future child. Not children, but child. She figured she would eventually marry (because her parents would have it no other way) and be forced to procreate, but she insisted she would never have more than one child. She was much too career-oriented to be tied down to motherhood.

So...her big news...yes, she's pregnant, but it doesn't stop there. She's having TWINS!

HAHAHAHA! Woooooo! What's interesting is that twins don't run in the family. Interesting, eh? Congratulations, Deborah & Steve!

Well, today I finally finished compiling my pictures from France! I took over 200 digital photos (lots of ART!) with my new camera, which I purchased a few short days before the trip. Hopefully by my next trip I will have mastered using the camera so all of my pictures will be absolutely marvelous. I'm still learning. =)

And Susan finished compiling all of our pictures. Be sure to check out her link since it not only contains pictures I don't have but is also from a different perspective.

I'm also working on creating different compilations including an abbreviated highlights version. If you don't want to go through all of the pictures from our albums, then maybe you should wait.
Enjoy! =)

So all these guys I know are looking for roommates, including drumfu. He's looking for a roommate in California.

Maybe I should just move back...

=P

An excerpt from someone's xanga:

Sitting in a Korean bakery-slash-cafe Sunday night, I tossed out a random question that just popped into my head. What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you? Since the person I asked was a woman, naturally I thought there'd be a whole slew of items that would be forth streaming. I got nothing. Maybe it was the discomfort from being put on the spot. Maybe it was the fact that some people don't feel safe sharing things around me. Maybe the most romantic thing was some really perverted sex thing that would have shocked everyone at the table. I guess I'll never know...

My version:

Sitting in a Korean bakery-slash-cafe Sunday night, someone tossed out a random question that just popped into his head. What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you? Since the person he asked was me, naturally I had nothing to say. Any discomfort was not from being put on the spot but more so from not having an answer. Did I not feel safe saying so? No, I guess I just didn't want to get into it. Perverted sex thing? Well, I guess you'll never know about that one...

Last week I was having a conversation with a friend who expressed that she has resigned to the idea of staying single. I told her I feel the same way.

Later in the week while hanging out with a few friends, a much newer friend kept asking me in disbelief if I had never really dated. I replied that I hadn’t each time she asked. I think she thought she was the only one our age who could say so.

In response to our dialogue, another person proceeds to ask why we hadn’t. Was it this reason, that reason, or another. Our response was that it was probably a little bit of everything.

Then I talked about how I don’t think I’ll ever marry, which the other lady also had concluded in regards to herself. This comment, however, caused the person sitting across from us to ask why (again). I realize that I am often misunderstood when I say such things because I am not anti-marriage by any means. In fact, if a genuine opportunity were to present itself, I wouldn’t refuse. It’s just that there is no expectation that marriage is a necessary part of my life. My life cannot be put on some sort of holding pattern just because “it” hasn’t happened.

These days when I think about my life and what may become of it, I imagine that I will probably be with Metro for a while. I will experience the joys and the pains of growing with the church. I will watch the last of my friends marry and raise a family. I will watch little ones become grown ups. And then…perhaps in my forties…when I have matured and grown in character and become solidly steadfast, then I will leave. I will probably live in some poor country and help women learn to read (very important to improving health and lowering child mortality, etc.) and also teach them basic nutrition and healthcare. Perhaps I will be part of rebuilding a war-torn nation or a land stricken with AIDS. I will return to the States at times, I am sure. The US will become increasingly foreign, but I will understand that I was never meant to cling tightly to one place. I will be happy for all my family and friends, wherever life may take them.

Then again, I may imagine something else tomorrow…

My mom called me on Tuesday to tell me they'll be flying into Maryland on Thanksgiving Day. I'm going to meet up with them at my aunt's place, so I'll be with family for Thanksgiving. Yay!

Yesterday I decided to finally book my flight to California for Hannah's wedding. I booked a flight for $153 RT. That's INSANELY cheap! (Okay, so it flies out of JFK and there's one layover each way, but it was $153!!) I'll be in California in less than a month! Yay!

Last night Suzi and I caught up on the last two years of our lives. In a way it was like time had never passed between us, but listening to all the stories, a lot HAS happened. I guess we're learning to grow up and deal with the realities of life...

Even though I'm dealing with PMS and an annoying cold, this week hasn't been too bad after all.

What a long and pointless entry I just wrote. I won't delete it, but there's no point in reading it.

BAH.

I am weary. I am sure it is at least partially physical weariness...

Friday night...it took us a while to find Suzi's place in Brooklyn, but it was GREAT to see her again. It is easy to remember why I like her so. Unfortunately, I didn't get home until close to 3 in the morning.

And then it was an early start on Saturday with Metro's Bazaar. Persistent haggling is TIRESOME. Maybe I should have emphasized that all the money would be going to good causes.
From there, I had to deal with the CHAOS that is Babies R Us and Route 17. Argh. Then it was home to clean and prepare for Sara's baby shower. There were 14 ladies crammed into my tiny apartment. The last guests left at about 12:30 a.m.

Sunday, another early start. MetroKids. LOTS of kids on Sunday.

And then I guess after that, the weariness really started catching up to me. Plus, it was PMS. I was CRANKY and HUNGRY. Instead of going with the gang to Joe's Shanghai in Chinatown (which would have been great), I went home and ate leftovers. And then I took a nap. And then I didn't want to get up. Not because I was still tired, but because I was emotionally feeling low.

And then I got up b/c I was hungry. But I was still in a really bad mood. And then I broke a wine glass. And then Sunny wanted me to come and join the gang at Anthony's. And then when I get there they tell me they're going to a diner RIGHT BY MY PLACE. Argh. We went back to my place and watched Billy Elliott. The guys made comments t/o the movie, naturally. But I was feeling less b***chy by then.

I didn't sleep well. I had more vivid PMS dreams. Some weird bug the size of an egg that lights up brighter and brighter...at its fullest and brightest, it also has a tuxedo and a smiley face drawn on it. I stepped on a piece of glass, and I had to pull it out. My mom, sister, and I were in some underground (or just indoors?) city looking for some lunch...

I am weary. I am sure at least some of it is physical weariness, but I am still feeling low. Let's assume it's just PMS.

This weekend will be a mix of old college friends and newer Metro buddies...

Tonight we're preparing for the Metro Bazaar on Saturday. Friday is Suzi's housewarming party. Saturday is the Bazaar. Saturday evening is Sara's baby shower. I'm hosting, and I need time to clean my apartment. On Sunday I'll be downstairs leading the Bible story time with the kids at Metro. It'll be my last Sunday with them. I'm stepping down from my MetroKids responsibilities.

On another note...this morning the second round of kids from the Preschool came by to trick-or-treat. These kids were much more eager than the kids yesterday. Yesterday the youngest preschoolers, the three year olds, seemed almost frightened...mouths open, eyes wide... They'd never been down to the church office before. They've never seen me before. This is probably the first time they've ever gone trick-or-treating. They were terribly cute. It makes me want to work with kids again.

Oh, wait...I'm stepping down from my MetroKids responsibilities...

I'm sitting there in your car...with the growing warmth of the car seat...and I'm wondering what it is about me that perplexes you. I'm perplexed that I perplex you so.

I'm sitting here in my office...and I'm still wondering...

I don't know what it is and why I am feeling this way. But today I feel oddly confused...like I don't know what I want anymore.

I'm questioning just about everything...work, applying to seminary, my role at church, the opposite sex...

I have no idea where my life is going.

I plan to back-blog about France. I'll alert you to when I am done, but for now, you can read Susan's perspective.

Oh, man. I can't believe I'm back at work.

France was wonderful. I'm sad the trip is over. *sigh* NJ seems even less interesting now.

No more interesting architecture and ornate buildings. No more windows with shutters and decorative iron rails. No more quaint one way streets. No more freshly made crepes. No more Chagall museums or concerts at Notre Dame. No more dragging Susan, Erik, and Lauren around. No more of just being with them. No more sunny blue skies and the crystal blue Mediterranean. No more super-long and divine dinners with wine that (often) costs less than a soda. No more French espresso, cafe au lait, and pastries. No more sidewalk cafes. No more smoking French cigarettes (I promise!). No more gazing at handsome French men (darn!).

Too bad I didn't get to French kiss a French man in France.

But it was great to be welcomed home by friends last night. =)

Pictures and stories to follow soon!

I'm baaaaaaack.

Well, back in the States. Right now I'm in Cherry Hill. I'm being forced to eat a home-cooked meal before driving up north. =P

I'll blog more in detail soon.

Bon jour from the French Riveria!

Nice has been grand! Compared to Paris, our hotel has been much cleaner, the prices are better, the food has been great, the people are friendlier, the weather has been gorgeous, and the men are better-looking. (French men are better-looking than the average American but even more so in Nice.)

Our first two days in Paris were a whirlwind, but we plan to relax when we return to Paris tomorrow. We'll be staying at a different hotel...hopefully cleaner and less creepy for Lauren and Erik who had nightmares the first night...

I will post more when I can! Au revoir!

Day 2/7, our first full day in Paris. A brief synopsis:

I was the only one who woke up rested. Lauren woke up feeling sick. Erik and Lauren both had nightmares about our hotel room.

Late start and a line for the towers of Notre Dame. Crepes while waiting in line. Couldn't finish them in time. The uneaten remains of everyone's crepe was shoved into my purse. The nutella oozed its way into my bag.

Next stop: Sainte Chapelle. Small chapel, all stained glass. Walked to Musee d'Orsay. Walked through Impressionist paintings to get to cafe area. I left the crew to venture to Rodin Museum by myself. Nice walk to Rodin. Quiet and quaint streets. Admired Rodin's sculptures. Walked back to Orsay. Admired art work in Orsay (by myself still) until the museum closed. Met up with the crew. Metro to Pompidou Center. Ate a meager meal at the cafe inside. Lauren and I went to the Modern Art Museum ourselves. Some funky stuff. Chagall room. Kandinsky. Matisse. Klee. Very cool.

Last stop: Arc d'Triomphe. Walked up the winding staircase. Exhausted. Rewarded with a great night view of Paris.

I made it to 6 out of 7 of my destinations. We had decided to scratch Picasso off our list due to lack of time. Everyone is exhausted. Susan's post-half-marathon feet are in excruciating pain. We'll take it easy tomorrow.

The Eiffel Tower and a little rain on our first night in Paris.

Susan and I arrived in the late morning at the ugliest airport in the world. Made our way through public transportation to our hotel where Erik and Lauren were waiting.

For lunch, we stumbled upon a cafe with decent food (more people speaking French, less tourists)...where the waitress would yell her order across the restaurant and used hand motions to help us understand the menu (for the crawfish...excellent choice). Walked through the crowded streets overrun with tourists to the Sacre Coeur. Light drizzle.

Settled in the hotel. Tried to contact my brother's friend. Metro to the Eiffel Tower. Walked around the much quieter, less crowded, and more quaint Rue Cler neighborhood. Ate a mediocre dinner (and looking back, it was definitely not our best meal in France). Evening view of the Eiffel Tower with some rain. Back to cramped triple-turned-quadruple hotel room to rest for our big day.

It's a weird feeling to know that we've actually arrived.

It was a year ago today when I arrived to New Jersey. In fact, a year this day, I was at this same place...at Susan's parents' home...eating a home-cooked meal before heading up to Bergen County. And here I am on this day, at Susan's parents' home...about to eat a home-cooked meal before heading to Paris.

In a few short hours I will be meeting up with Susan to embark on our French escapade. We will meet up with Erik and Lauren upon our arrival in Paris.

There is a part of me that wants this to be a true escapade...the change of scenery beckoning me to be more daring and slightly reckless...smoke cigarettes and flirt with French men...go topless in Nice.

Okay, so maybe not the topless part. It's too cold anyway. Hopefully it won't rain every day as it has been forecasted. Although, I suppose being stuck in a cafe drinking wine or cafe au lait won't be such a bad thing.

It's hard to believe...I'm off to Paris and Nice! Au revoir!

As soon as I put the last bit of food in my mouth, I heard the phone ringing at my desk so I quickly made my way over to pick up the call.

Soon thereafter, my office was filled with different staff members, and then a couple of people stopped by the office to ask some questions.

And just a short moment ago I realized...now that these people have all been in my presence and gone...that I had CRUMBS on my FACE!!

Oh, Joo...Joo...

Last night we gathered to celebrate the birthday of one of our dear brothers. It was certainly a most unique and meaningful birthday celebration, and it was an honor to be included in such a memorable event.

We journeyed into the Gates of Hell. Deep within its dark tomb, we sat huddled around the light of a solitary candle. Our brother shared about the journey of the last 3+ years of his life (of particular significance since Jesus was active in ministry during the same years of his life on earth). He talked about his spiritual journey…about the warning of Satan’s attack and its seriousness…his response to the warning…and about God’s assurance that everything will be okay. He talked about the people that have been part of his journey, and we were honored to know that we were now included. Then our brother reminded us that at the end of his years of ministry, Jesus chose to go to the Gates of Hell on our behalf.

After a bit of a “communion” of sorts and a toast to our brother, we emerged from the Gates of Hell victorious.

It is good to be alive. And it’s wonderful to celebrate life together.

On Saturday I felt like I was myself again.

Maybe I am more myself when I let the day unfold with no real plan or purpose. Maybe it was being in NYC...or was it being out of Jersey?

I felt like I was myself when I was...

...having conversation over Chinese food. Discussing whether or not the belief of heaven/hell had any impact on our Christian lives. What if heaven/hell didn't exist? Would we be Christian?

...sitting by the fountain in front of the Metropolitan Opera House, in front Chagall's artwork.

...having conversation at a cafe. Are you an idealist, realist, optimist, pessimist, positivist? How do we define those things? What is their relationship? What do we consider one another? How about ourselves?

...drinking too much caffeine and feeling wacky.

...momentarily chasing a huge cockroach scurrying along the sidewalk.

...being funny. Not going out of my way to be funny. Just being me and making people laugh.

It feels good to be me.

Here's another picture of the Boyfriend's Arm pillow (see Friday's entry). Apparently it comes with two shirts. There's one model that comes with an alarm clock.

What I wanna know is if that arm does anything else.

Saturday's unexpected and interesting discovery...

At the last minute, Amy invited me to join her and Nelson for the evening. I thought why not. I figured it would be nice to chat over some drinks. When Nelson mentioned the Remote Lounge, however, I had no idea what we would be walking into.

At any lounge in NYC, the expected would be hip decor, trendy cocktails, dance music, and singles on the prowl. The Remote Lounge, however, is a lounge experience taken to a whole new level.

Tables with video screens. Video screens above the bar. All filled with black and white images. After a brief moment you realize the images are all of people in the lounge. All throughout the lounge are cameras. When you are seated at a table, you can change channels and move cameras to view people seated in its vicinity. And people can turn to your channel and view you.

I sat down, started flipping through channels, oblivious to anything else. Amy and Nelson were watching the screens behind the bar. I was told someone was watching me. And then Nelson points to the fact that someone is wanting to connect. There is a message on the screen. Do I accept or deny? Nelson accepted for me and handed me the phone.

It was some guy visiting for the weekend from Chicago. We chatted for a bit. He mentioned "we" so I thought it was probably some male friend of his. I didn't bother to move the camera to view who was sitting next to him. Then he mentioned "my wife and I". At that point I figured they were simply tourists experiencing the New York lounge scene. No reason to think anything.

"So how did you find out about this place?" I asked.

"On the internet. My wife typed in...What did you type, honey? Oh "erotic" or something..."

The realization hits me. He continues, "They said this is the place where anything can happen."

A few more seconds of small talk and then I gave them my best wishes for the rest of their stay in New York. They looked like such a...normal Midwestern couple...

After that interesting interaction, we flipped through channels. Amy pointed out women she found attractive and noted that none of the men interested her. We viewed the body language of people hooking up. There was plenty of cleavage and women grabbing their boobs. As far as activity at our table, we kept the camera on Amy as much as we could. I didn't care to see my image on the black and white screen...much too harsh and unforgiving, and Amy didn't mind the attention. A few more calls. Accept or deny? Shoving of the phone receiver from one person to the next.

I was amused.

This is a pillow designed in Japan for single women in need of manly comfort. It's called "the boyfriend's arm".

If you want to read more about it, click here. Apparently they're going to come up with an upgrade that's more muscular. (heehee.) And then they're going to make a "fake woman's lap" pillow designed for the single man. This is for real, folks.

If you ever see one of these pillows in my apartment, please pray for me...or cry out of pity for my poor lonely soul.

I started my period! Yippeeeee!!

Okay, I know it's not normally something one celebrates, but that means I'll be PMS-free, pain-free, and period-free during my trip to France. Yee-haw!

=)

Ever since my earliest youth, I have been fascinated by the Bible. I have always believed...that it is the greatest source of poetry of all time...I have sought its reflection in life and art. The Bible is like an echo of nature, and this is the secret I have endeavoured to transmit. Marc Chagall

Song of Songs IV, 1958. Oil on canvas.At the Musee National Message Biblique Marc Chagall, Nice

Most of my friends know that I am quite fond of Chagall and his artwork. He was an artist with a style all his own...who loved rich and vibrant colors and believed in living a rich and vibrant life.

While in Paris, I'm looking forward to seeing the ceiling of the Opera Garnier which Chagall painted. I also anticipate seeing his artwork at the Pompidou Center. And in Nice...the National Museum of Marc Chagall's Biblical Message (He was Jewish). AND...I hope to be able to...even though our time in Nice is limited...to visit the neighboring town of Saint Paul de Vence. This is the town where Chagall chose to live the last forty or so years of his life. His artwork is showcased at the Foundation Maeght (a modern art museum). Maybe I can even find his burial spot...

Seeing his original artwork will be fabulous. Seeing the places that inspired him (and many other artists and poets!!) will be pure joy.

These days my mind has been consumed with planning our trip to France.

Since we won't be in Paris consecutively for three full days (because of Nice), and since there is no two-day pass, we plan to purchase a one-day Museum and Monument pass, and we're trying to maximize its use. Our busiest day will be Friday, our first full day in France.

8 wake up, breakfast, hop on the Metro
10 Notre Dame and Sainte-Chapelle (aim to be there by 9:30)
11-ish Picasso Museum
Quick lunch!
2-ish Rodin Museum and Musee d'Orsay (closes at 6 p.m.)
rest and early dinner in the Latin Quarter (?)
7-ish Pompidou Center (modern art museum, closes at 10)

We may squeeze in the Arc de Triomphe either in the afternoon or after the Pompidou, depending on if we want a day view or a night view.

Two cathedrals. Four museums. Maybe one monument. Do you think this is doable?

It's been a crazy and busy day, but...

I just found out that Ed Harris grew up at this church and was confirmed here. There's a good possibility he'll be coming out for a special guest appearance next year for this church's 145th anniversary celebration.

I'm rarely the star-struck type, but I thought that was kinda cool.

Lately…or, actually, maybe this has been ongoing…I’ve been feeling like a car with the fuel gauge reading low.

When the weather is great, it’s daylight, and there are gas stations every few blocks, there is little reason for concern. The thought might enter your mind, “Maybe I should re-fuel.”

When the weather is lousy, it’s the middle of the night, and there are no visible gas stations for miles, there is much more reason for concern. It’s easy to become anxious, and the thought screams in your mind, “I need to re-fuel!”

Where will I be when the tank empties, and I come to a stop? Why do I tend to imagine the worst scenarios?

These days I’ve been wanting to pull over to the side of the road. Sometimes just stopping for a while seems easier than trying. Maybe I just need a break.

Yet sometimes I wonder if my fuel gauge is broken. Maybe the tank will never empty. Maybe I’m running on a full tank of gas and just don’t know it. Is my cup overflowing, and I just don’t realize it?

But regardless of how full my tank may be, more than anything, I want to be free to keep moving…confident that I will never run empty, confident I will reach my destination.

History will add to the charm, the character, and the richness of Paris and Nice. Food will add definite enjoyment and happiness. And wine...oh, yes, the wine...I will definitely enjoy the wine. There is no question about that.

But...I am most looking forward to the ART!

How often will I have the opportunity to gaze upon all the wonderful art...not just a print or a copy, but the originals?? Even more so than any large or grand museum, I'm most looking forward to the smaller ones. Rodin and Picasso in Paris. Chagall and Matisse in Nice.

By the way, I realized a few days ago that I will be leaving for Paris on the one year anniversary of my arrival to New Jersey. I find that kinda...funny.

Autumn in New York
That brings the promise of new love
Autumn in New York
Is often mingled with pain

Dreamers with empty hands
They sigh for exotic lands

It’s autumn in New York
It’s good to live it again

Well, I don't know about the "promise of new love," but I would sure love to see the trees this year. Let's take a trip!

No more guesses? Come on, peoples. No need to be afraid to guess. =P

Three more weeks until France! Woo-hooooooooooo!!!!! For those of you who don't know, this is a delayed 30th birthday celebration for myself and my old roommate Susan. Originally Susan and I were going to celebrate our milestone birthdays in France during our birth month of April, but due to circumstances, we pushed it to October. And now Lauren and Erik are joining us. Yay!

So if anyone wants to shower me with a delayed birthday gift, contributions to the France Fund would be greatly appreciated. =)

Our flights to Paris and Nice are booked. Our hotel in Nice is booked. We just need to find lodging in Paris. I've been watching Rick Steve's DVD guide to France, thanks to Simon. I just need to get my hands on a French language CD and a travel phrase book. Then I'm all set!

All the HISTORY! the ART! the FOOD! the WINE! Can you guess which one I'm most excited about? See if you can figure it out. I'll post my answer in the next entry. =D

While I was waiting in line for the bathroom at the lounge on Friday, a young man wished me a "Happy New Year." I was perplexed at first, but then he explained that he's Jewish.

He introduced himself and asked for my name. For a split second, I wasn't sure if I should give him my real name, not because I felt the need to lie but because my name is Joo.

I'm really not sure if he heard my name correctly anyway. The music was loud, and I wasn't even certain if his name was Greg or Ed.

Haha.

Another weekend passes...

I don't quite have the words...

The incriminating photos...

So many thoughts...

Hanging out with Metro folks never ends...

Sunday service was good...dealing with sex and lust. An inspiring testimony. A sermon to put things in perspective. I think we needed to hear it as a community.

More things to think about.

Wait...I just realized...I have let the anniversary of my blog pass without acknowledging it! It's been three years of blogging, baby. Three years!

Is there anyone out there who has read it consistently for all that time?? hmmm...

Recently a friend told me that he stopped reading my blog because it was too depressing. I think I'm a little more positive now. Right? =D

Today I received a letter from my landlord stating that my rent will increase as of November 1. The increase isn't much, but I'm definitely ready to move. I want to have roommates again. I'm considering having male roommates.

One of the elders at the church called to ask a question and mentioned the name of one of the recent guest preachers. The guest preacher also happens to share my last name. The elder then passed the phone to his wife who happens to be Korean.

She proceeded to speak to me in Korean...and what I think she was wanting to know is what "Hong" line I'm from. (She switched to English.) I told her I didn't know what it was. She told me that he (meaning the guest preacher) probably didn't know either. Honestly, I hadn't even given much thought to whether he was Korean or not. She then asked me if I had met him. I had, briefly. She asked me if there were any sparks...

???????

So this morning I had to excuse myself from our staff meeting to direct a delivery person from a local florist who was delivering flowers for a memorial service. I walked with him to the other side of the church, into the chapel.

"So are you a nun?" he asked as he placed the flowers on a table.

His question threw me off for a second, maybe because my last blog entry mentioned celibacy or maybe because it was just a strange question. I had to explain that Presbyterians don't have nuns.

On another note...this morning as I was driving to work, I saw the words "I hate Florida" written on the back window of a parked car. For a split second I thought this person was rather rude to make such a comment and wondered why they would display those words for everyone to see. Then I noticed the license plate, Florida license plates. =D

Today I met up with my aunt, visiting from Orlando. We caught up with each other...she filling me in on her upcoming assignment to the Phillipines...and me sharing about how I have been encouraged to attend seminary. She knows that people have made such suggestions to me in the past. She herself thinks that I have gifts to be in ministry, but can't pinpoint specifically what kind. I told her I can't pinpoint it either.

She then told me she thinks the ideal situation would be that I would meet someone and that we would be called into a specific ministry together. I told her I think it's far more difficult to meet someone than it is to find a perfect ministry fit. I guess part of what I meant is I believe God will lead you to the right ministry, but with love (of a romantic nature, not God's love, obviously), there are no guarantees.

My aunt also said something to me about how going to seminary could be somewhat "threatening" to guys. Honestly, I feel like most of my decisions have been "threatening," but I think it's awful to feel that way. I don't want to regret any of my decisions, and I certainly don't want to resent God for it.

It's kind of funny to think I was having this conversation with my aunt who, in her mid-forties, has never married. In fact, my parents have in the past said to me that they hope I don't become like my aunt...working tirelessly in ministry all "alone"...as if it's such an awful thing.

Every once in a while (I think in an attempt to understand why I have never been in a relationship) someone will ask me if I think I have the gift of celibacy. I always find the need to clarify what they mean when they ask this question, and I find that their definition and mine is often very different. They inevitably assume that it means I have some kind of magical gift that eliminates any desire for marriage or that kind of intimacy. I know they don't mean any harm, but I find it annoying when people make such assumptions. Most, if not all, of the single women in ministry I have encountered would have gladly welcomed marriage in their lives, but have instead (often at a sacrifice) understood that they had been given the privilege of living their lives (or at least this season of their lives) entirely devoted to God and His work. I think that's what makes it a gift.

At this point in my life, I'm really not expecting to get married. Maybe that sounds too pessimistic. I don't mean it to be. Then again, maybe I am just afraid.

This weekend passed rather quietly for me. On Saturday, the third anniversary of 9/11, I wasn't exactly sure how I wanted to let that day pass. The thought crossed my mind of going into the city by myself, but ultimately, I didn't feel the need to do so. I ended up staying in relative solitude for most of the day. I rested, spent some time in remembrance, reflected a little, but mostly took care of things I had been too busy to do. It's nice to feel less cluttered in life.

The day ended with a plate full of freshly baked cookies, a glass of milk, and the companionship of three lovely ladies. Not a bad day.

Within me has grown a greater resolve. I need to focus again.

The thoughts that have been brewing in my head...the retreat...Pastor Peter's challenge...the fasting...it all seemed to reach a culmination during prayer meeting last night. As we were praying, I sensed the need to pray that we would not allow any little thing to get in the way of God. It struck me how often we are willing...I am willing...to give God less glory and give Satan a little foothold into our lives because of our unwillingnes to change. I suppose in our minds, giving 95% is great and holding back 5% is seemingly insignificant.

I realized how idiotic it is to hold anything back. Is it worth it to do so? Is it worth it to let that one thing, whatever it is...fears, insecurities, laziness, pride, a particular desire, a particular sin, a weakness, etc...get in the way? We use measly excuses, and as a result, Satan gets a little piece of God's action. Don't we want to see God work more powerfully in our lives and in our communities? How about the world?? Is it right for us to demand it if there is something within us that is holding back?

Within me has grown a greater resolve. My prayer is that God would grant me the wisdom, strength, and endurance to continue down this path. I will make mistakes, for sure. Lord, have mercy!!

Happy Birthday, Lauren! You are still the most youthful thirty-something year old I know. =)

Lauren and the lollipop. 

Lauren's superhero pose. 

The dam has been broken! The first couple from the Singles group emerges!

Well, apparently, they have been in existence for a little while now, but it really only came to light last night. (What a shocker!) It certainly explains some things.

Perhaps this will be the impetus for more inter-group dating? hmmmm....

I dunno. I doubt it. Oh, me of little faith!

Today the funeral home delivered the ashes of the Pastor Emeritus to the church office.

I want to be cremated when I die.

I should add one thing to my last post...

The one area where I find it absolutely difficult to move on and let go has to do with people in my life, especially the nearer and dearer you are to me.

This becomes problematic when my quest for new adventures clashes with my desire to stay close to the ones I love.

If only I could keep everyone with me.

I’m rarely the type of person who dwells on the past. In fact, I’m really great at living in the present, relishing every moment, being fully there…when I find it interesting.

The problem is I get bored easily.

And then I end up consuming myself with thoughts of what could be and what might be. The possibilities are more interesting than what actually is. I end up dwelling on the future, of things yet to come. My thoughts and ideas become grand illusions. I become restless, listless, dissatisfied with reality.

*sigh* Lord, have mercy.

Some thoughts currently running through my head...

I wanna move out of my cute little apartment. I don't want to live alone anymore.

Work has become boring. What can I do about this?

Arnold Schwarzenegger...people made fun of the fact that CA elected a celebrity governor, but now he's become the star Republican.

Meanwhile, NJ is dealing with a gay governor who cheated on his wife.

I'm feeling kinda blah. Is it PMS?? Or is it an after-retreat low?

Should I go to Puerto Rico?

Before heading into this past weekend and leaving for the retreat, I knew I was complicating my life by over-thinking and over-analyzing everything. During the retreat, I was reminded about many things and challenged to bring things back into proper perspective.

I need to go back to living a life out of a simple, child-like love for God. I need not to be discouraged to follow the path of obedience, even though obedience is difficult. I don't know all the answers yet, but I do know what steps I need to take. I just need to do it. My view of God has become too small. I need to change it.

It was nice to have Dave Gibbons share with us. He seemed to really connect with people at Metro. (Can you believe I've known Dave for at least 15 years? That's half of my life!!!) Yet, I think in many ways, the greatest benefit to the retreat was being able to connect with people on a deeper level. Although Dave's messages may have placed many of us back on the right track, it's really the community that will keep us accountable and keep this retreat from being a momentary spiritual high.

At Metro we talk a lot about "doing life together". I think we're just beginning to realize what that really means.

Today is my dearest friend Hannah's birthday, her big 3-0. She's finally caught up to the rest of us...

I wish I could be in California to celebrate this special day with her, but I thought I would celebrate her birthday by celebrating who she is.

Almost everyone knows I didn't like Hannah in the beginning. I mistook her shyness for arrogance. And it didn't help that a friend of mine was interested in her. I found it totally annoying. And then when they did start dating, I found the dynamics of their relationship to be quite bizarre. I concluded Hannah was not someone I wanted to know at all.

But for some reason, Hannah wanted me to be her friend. She really liked me. So she followed me around (literally). And then I began to see who the real Hannah was, very different from what I had perceived. She won me over. It's one of her life's greatest accomplishments. (heehee)

Hannah is sweet, caring, fiercely loyal, and passionate. She has odd taste in movies (i.e. bad action flicks). Her heroes are Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. She can eat more meat then most men. She's funny in her own unique way. She is addicted to Cappuccino Blasts. Hannah is an artist and a poet. Hannah has a hard time saying "no". She's extremely intelligent but sometimes clueless. Hannah's a total softie, but she can shoot a gun. She gave me keys to her apartment when I worked across the street; her apartment was my refuge. She knows how to listen. Hannah's favorite store is Marshall's. She loves to dance (like me!). We can talk about anything and everything. Her presence makes me smile. There is something very sweet and pure about the way she loves God and others. She means more to people than she knows.

I could go on, but I must resume my work. Have a fabulous 30th birthday, Hannah! I love you! And I miss you terribly.

Hannah cooling off (party hat already included)

Hannah and her soon-to-be-husband Emmanuel 

hanging out at the beach 

Me, funky sistah Hannah, Jo

Happy Birthday, Tre! =) 

You know I love food in LA, but...

After being in NJ for 10 months (10 months!!), I must admit NJ/NY clearly beats So. Cal. in two areas, food-wise: Cuban food (El Siglo, baby!) and (as Nick reminded me) those dumplings with the soupy stuff you slurp out of the middle. Yum!

There's one other thing about food in NJ. You can eat at White Castle after watching Harold and Kumar. You may feel ill afterwards, but still. You can't do that in LA.

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else." Emily Dickinson

Psychotherapist Peter (a.k.a. Professor Pete) shared this quote with me the other day. I like it...

Peter asked how I feel now that it's been almost a year since I left CA and arrived in NJ. It took me a while to think of an answer, and I'm not even sure if the answer I gave him was nearly complete. I think I said something about how personally things were difficult but that I have been able to witness how God has been doing some great things...

A few weeks ago, Simon asked if he were to tell me that this was the best time of my life, if I would believe it. For some strange reason, I answered "yes". I guess I realized that the "best" time doesn't necessarily mean everything is honky-dory and life is served on a silver platter. There has to be more depth, I think, for a time in life to be one's "best".

Lately I've been thinking a lot about fully embracing life...every aspect of life...the good, the bad, the easy, and the difficult...instead of being resistant, which I have been at times. I want to fully embrace the uncertainties that lie ahead. I want to fully embrace every emotion, the highs and the lows, instead of the emotions engulfing me. And, yes, to fully embrace all that I can of God.

The best time is now...the present moment. To live is startling...full of surprises, the unexpected...the adventure of being. I want to embrace this startling life and really learn to live.

Whew! My taxes are finally done!

I had filed for an extension in April...the first time I have ever done so. And the extension ended today! *scrambles like a madwoman*

I was missing a form, but it won't change my tax return too much. At least it's done! Whew!

WOOOOO!!!!! These drugs...

I react so strangely to medication sometimes...actually, most of the time...

I noticed that the drugs don't agree with my stomach all that much right after I take them, especially the Allegra-D. So then I don't have much of an appetite.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a dry mouth. In the afternoon, it turned into drowsiness, a little dizziness, lightheadedness, disorientation, etc. which stayed with me basically the rest of the day, including small group. I felt horrible.

Today?? Well, this morning, I've been feeling kinda LOOPY! heehee. Woooooooo!!!!

=D Wooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! =D

The disadvantage of going to the doctor's office at the end of the day is that your height and weight are skewed, normally not in your favor.

And so it goes that when the nurse measured my height, she measured me at a towering 59 1/2 inches. A precious quarter inch disappeared during the day. Either that, or I'm shrinking.

I've read somewhere that the ideal weight for a person who is 5 feet tall is 100 pounds. I exceed that ideal weight by...let's just say a few pounds...and I'm not even 5 feet tall. I'm probably basically the same weight I was in eighth grade (maybe a pound or two more), yet I'm above the ideal weight. Weird, huh?

Oh, and the doctor reminded me I need to visit the gynecologist. Blech!

I just want to be well again. Is that so much to ask?

Last week and over the weekend, I was quite frankly too sick to do anything about being sick. But when Monday came around, I was ready to make some calls and see a doctor.

First, I had to find out about my insurance since I have not yet recieved my insurance cards. I was told my insurance coverage took effect on July 1 and all I had to do was have the doctor call a toll-free number to verify my coverage.

Next, I had to find a doctor. I found a doctor less than a half a mile from my apartment. I made appointment for today at 12:45 p.m.

Then, I went to the appointment, filled out the paperwork, and explained to the receptionist that my ID cards had not yet arrived. I gave her the 800 number. She called.

They put her on hold. She told me if no one answered her call in five minutes, she would hang up. She hung up. I had to leave the doctor's office without seeing the doctor.

=(

Well, it turns out that I most likely had/have a sinus infection. That would explain the dizziness, the massive headache, body ache, fever, chills, etc.

In a way I'm relieved. I was worried that I was emotionally unstable and therefore unable to sleep which I thought was the cause of the dizziness and headache. As far as body ache? I just thought I worked out too hard at the gym! The fever and chills? I just thought that might be another reaction to my lack of sleep and emotional instability. Oh, and did I mention swollen lymph nodes? I thought I slept funny on my pillow (which I did) so that my neck was hurting and swollen. Boy, I'm awful at self-diagnosis.

I finally took some cold and flu medicine on Friday evening and finally got some sleep. Now that I slept ALL weekend (minus the half day of silence and solitude up in Bear Mountain), I'm feeling MUCH better now. =D

I'm just extremely bored. =

i'm at home.

This lack of sleep is turning me into a real b@#$%. I've become snappy and impatient.

I just wanted to take a nap after work today. How hard can that be?

I crawled into bed at 5:45. I understand it can take a good 15 minutes or so for my body to relax and fall asleep. The ice cream truck came by. I put in my earplugs. No sweat.

A few minutes later, my home phone rings. It's some woman trying to get into an apartment building somewhere probably a mile from here. (I've been getting these calls, and I have not yet been able to stop them...which is really annoying in the early a.m. on Saturdays.)

Maybe 15 minutes later, my cell phone rings. It's Shirley wanting to know if I was free tonight.

Another 15 minutes later, my home phone rings. It's Anthony wanting to know if I was gonna join the group at the local carnival.

Another 15 minutes later (these time intervals are approximate), a solicitor is calling for someone named Maria.

Another 15 minutes, and it's AOL wanting me to try out their latest version of dial-up.

And 5 minutes later, it's a recording telling me not to hang up, and I didn't bother staying on the phone to figure out why.

What the hell?????

I'm online now so NO ONE CAN CALL ME AT HOME. But it's not just all the outer noise, it's all the noise in my head. Stop the madness, please!

Oh, dear...

I'm not feeling so great. Didn't sleep well. Kept waking up for some reason. Woke up dizzy. I probably shouldn't be drinking coffee if I'm dizzy...but I'm weak and dependent. And I was just placing an order on the phone...and I'm perspiring. What the??

My dad still enjoys fishing. =) 

My brother and mom meet up in Russia.

For about a month now, I've been having especially vivid dreams. I say this because I wake up most mornings and can recall at least a portion of my dream...like the one where I was pulling snot out of my nose...it was coming out in one, long, globby string. And then I realized that I might be pulling out something I shouldn't. So I snipped it. The rest of the globby string went back in my nose. And then I couldn't hear properly. Everything sounded muffled.

I think I've probably dreamed about everyone I know. You have probably been in one of my dreams. Even David Gibbons was in my dream a couple of nights ago. I guess I'm anticipating his visit to Metro's retreat.

Anyway, I remember portions of last night's dream. For one part, my friend Rej (I think...or was it my sister??) and I were looking for Edy's Grand Ice Cream at a Super Kmart. I have no idea why I would dream about that. And then I remember going out with some dude (not anyone I know in real life). I think it might have been a set-up? Anyway, I remember he was really sweet...but he was an awful kisser.

hahahaha...dreams...

Every morning this week I've been waking up feeling slightly light-headed. Maybe it has to do with the heat? Maybe I'm dehydrated? I drank a full glass of water when I woke up this morning.

And I've also been craving breakfast sandwiches...bagel breakfast sandwiches...with egg and cheese....and I have no idea why. And because I'm always rushing to work, I never have time to get one. I was so tempted to leave my office this morning and walk down to the local bagel shop, but I didn't.

And even though I don't want to think about seminary, that's all I've been thinking about. I've been visiting seminary websites to read up on what degrees they offer...trying to figure out what kind of seminary I want to go to...reading what courses they offer...

And I wanna get my hair cut. I need to get my hair cut.

One other thing about family...my siblings and I have, for some reason, basically kept our given Korean names instead of taking on American ones. I go by "Joo", my sister goes by "Mee", and my brother goes by "Dae". I remember Nathan would like to comment on our names, and apparently he still does.

All your names sound like pronouns using a Brooklyn accent...
Joo - You... as in "whatsamatta wich Joo!"
Dae - They... as in "Dae's ain't gots da marbles to shoot joo."
Mee - well... Me... as in after someone gets shot... "Dae's got Mee, what about Joo?"

=D

My family...

Last night I talked to my sister on the phone. I could hear my niece Anabel talking and playing in the background.

About eight days ago, I talked to my brother and my parents over the phone. My brother had gone to Russia with a group from his church in Austin and another group from a church in California to teach at an English camp. It was a relatively nice mission trip experience considering the fact that they stayed in dorm rooms remodeled by my dad and ate food that my mom prepared. I'm envious that my brother was able to see my parents in their not-so-new home and ministry setting.

The next time I expect to see them is when we gather at my sister's place in Arizona for Christmas. And then maybe we'll meet up in Russia for Christmas 2005...

Over the weekend, I remember sitting across from Pastor Peter. He’s telling me about some of the near-future plans he sees for Metro. And then he tells me I should really consider going to seminary soon.

I didn’t respond but instead more or less brushed it off. His comment to me about seminary entered my ears, clanked around in my brain, and fell back into a dark hole where I had stuffed away any thoughts about theological education.

I don’t know what it is…or maybe I do…but I haven’t been thinking about seminary at all lately. Maybe it’s reluctance, but I came to a point where I didn’t find it necessary to think about it anymore.

This morning I opened a letter from the pastor who recently left and moved back to Las Vegas. It was a performance evaluation. He concluded the evaluation by saying, “I encourage you to deeply consider your thoughts about seminary and professional ministry. I believe you have all the gifts to be a wonderful pastor.”

ARGH! I so do NOT want to think about this…

Well, the apartment thing with Amy and Young Sil is not going to happen after all. =(

I'll still be all by my lonesome.

Dude, I didn't get home until after 5 this morning!!! I don't remember the last time I've done that. I must be insane.

It was all good, clean fun...except for the fact that I think I have a magnet in my ass...

A brief update...

Yesterday during a NetMeeting session, not only were files transferred to my computer, but a computer person in another town had remote access and control over my desktop. It was really wild watching the pointer move and click and files open and data move around without me doing a thing. I could have probably really freaked out a church member if anyone had walked into the office at that moment. (Rumor: Joo is involved in witchcraft.)

Last night our friendly competition of the Battle of the Sexes turned into a evening of how many times someone could make reference to sex. (It was a question about BEER!) We must purge the perversion from our group, peoples!! We Metro singles are PERVERTS! (Rumor: Joo is a pervert...well, actually, this is true. We're all perverts!! Purge the Perversion! Let us be transformed by the renewing of our minds! Rid ourselves of immorality! Fix our eyes on Jesus! Jesus Christo!)

*sigh* And we're going dancing tonight...

Now before rumors start spreading that I'm dating four men (when the truth is I'm dating no one), I thought I should respond to the comments left from Monday's entry.

After another discussion with Amy and Young-Sil, we've basically debunked Amy's idea of dating four men. First of all, if the three of us dated four men, we couldn't date Metro guys cuz then we'd be dating the same guys. How weird/messy would that be? So then where else would we meet them? At the bars and clubs of the Tri-State area? On match.com or eharmony? Honestly, even the thought of finding ONE guy to date is terribly stressful, at least for me.

So, anyway, we've decided to be good Christian girls and focus on following Jesus instead. =)

So...I told Amy and Young Sil I would move in with them...
 
Perhaps I agonize over decisions more than I should. For some people the decision would have been an easy one. The apartment is a gated complex with a heated pool, a fitness center, and a business center. There is central air, a dishwasher, and a full-sized washer and dryer in every unit. My cost of living wouldn't go up and may, in fact, go down. I won't have to roam the streets to look for parking. My commute would be about 10 minutes shorter to work.
 
But, man, I'm going to be spoiled by all the amenities. And, the truth is, I'm going to miss my little apartment when I move...and some of my freedom, too. =P

Late Saturday morning, Amy summoned me for a much-needed soul-baring powwow. We’re both fortunate to be able to confide in each other with our conversations continuing for hours on end. Our two hour dim sum spilled over to another two hour session at Borders.

We talked about ways that Satan may be trying to take a hold of our minds and about the traps we so easily fall into…by thinking we’re spiritually okay to handle things and thereby becoming careless…or…and this is far more prevalent…thinking that we’re really not as holy as people think we are and not wanting to be perceived that way. And then when we do “slip up” we say, “See, I never said I was a good Christian.” In fact, this thinking gives way to carelessness...and then to a feeling of powerlessness…a downward spiral.

That was our spiritual powwow. And then, for some reason, our four hours ended with Amy telling me I need to flirt more and date four men. My response, “WHY??”

Oh, and Amy and Young-Sil have asked me to consider moving in with them after my lease ends. Do I want to live with someone else again? Do I want to live with them in particular? Do I want that kind of accountability??

*sigh*  There is much for me to ponder these days.