an LA new year

Well, I'm safely in Pasadena at Hannah and Emmanuel's home. What a day.

It turns out the next available confirmed flight to NYC was January 3. All seats are standby until then. I booked the January 3 flight and was put on standby for tonight. I don't have it in me to attempt standby tonight though. I'm exhausted.

It looks like I may be ringing in 2011 in California.

this. is. in.sane.

Now I am on a plane sitting in San Jose. The flight from Chico to San Fran was diverted because of fog. We are waiting to find out if they will refuel and fly us to San Fran or put us on a bus. My flight to LAX and then to JFK were all scheduled on time but now I won't make it! Insane! I'm trapped in California!

rain and snow

It is pouring down rain here, and it looks like a blizzard will be hitting New York tomorrow. I'm supposed to fly back tomorrow. Yikes!

now and then

This trip back to CA has been different than previous trips...and not just because it has been raining every single day that I've been here...OK, maybe that had a little to do with it...

I've seen fewer people, and I've done a lot less than previous trips. I didn't see the Pacific Ocean. I didn't get any Zankou Chicken or King Taco or flourless chocolate cake from Cafe Bizou.

What I did do was celebrate Peter's 40th birthday. I got to stay in Hannah's beautiful home...so much charm! I got to catch up with Lauren and Jean. I had some In-N-Out, Vietnamese food from Golden Deli, and Thai food from President Thai.

I didn't get to see Susan, but we did get to Skype with her from England.

I've had several meaningful conversations, and I think I will leave Southern California with some things to continue processing.

Things have certainly changed since I lived here. Relationships have changed. I've changed.

I think I'll have more to blog about once I process a little bit more. Tomorrow I'll be heading up north to spend Christmas with my sister and nieces.

cali-for-ni-YAY!

I'm leaving for California tomorrow. Yay!

Sunshine and non-freezing temperatures, here I come!

habakkuk

Today I shared my "life story" at church. The only guidance I was given was to answer the question, What is God doing in your life right now? Based on that question alone, I knew I was probably going to shed a few tears...

All week, a verse from Habakkuk went through my mind. I knew it was something that I would need to share on Sunday. For those of you who haven't read it, Habakkuk is one of books of the minor prophets found in the Old Testament, and it's only three chapters long. I recommend it.

The book of Habakkuk starts with the prophet complaining to God. He complains about how long it's taking God to do something about the injustices that have been going on. God answers by saying, "For I am doing something in your own day., something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it" Habakkuk is not satisfied with the answer God gives and the second chapter begins with the prophet waiting for an answer to his complaint. God replies that there will be an appointed time: "If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."

During my life story I shared about some of my struggles...the disappointments, the hurt...past and present. I recall the lowest point in my life was soon after I moved to New Jersey. I felt I had given everything I had to God and had nothing left.

I also shared that during my residency I developed a theology of pastoral care and that my theology of pastoral care includes the phrase, "Shit happens." Yes, I said the word "shit" (a few times!) in church.

Fast forward to chapter three and Habakkuk replies, "Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known..." Fast forward to the end of chapter three, and Habakkuk states he will wait and then says the verses that have been repeating in my mind all week:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.

As soon as I started reading the "even though's" I started to cry. Even though...

Even though I'm still single. Even though I've had my heart broken, again. Even though...

Even though a patient had their leg amputated. Even though the chemo didn't work. Even though the expectant mother miscarried her baby. Even though...

We all have our "even though's," and the challenge is whether or not we can still rejoice in the God who is our strength and salvation.

I think I can say it...but not with a smile...I can only say it with tears.

"you complete me"

Okay, I might as well continue on my cynical path, at least for a little bit. I promise it won't last forever.

I think I watched Jerry Maguire where this line is from, but I probably only half-watched it. Even if you haven't watched the movie, you've probably heard the line, "You complete me."

*rolls eyes* I think that's a bunch of crap. Is that really supposed to be romantic? It sounds like co-dependency to me. If you need someone to complete you, then I think you have issues that you haven't learned to resolve yourself.

I'm not looking for someone to complete me. I'm just looking for some companionship on this journey called life.

Okay, I'm done now. This came up because I decided to answer some question on the online dating site, and it asked if you were looking for someone to complete you. If anyone answers that "yes" then he's an immediate "no" for me.

I was going to resurrect my dating blog and write an entry or two, but it hasn't happened yet. Maybe tomorrow. Good night for now.

love finds you

This dude that contacted me today stated in his profile that he was looking for love, friendship, or something casual. I responded to him by saying that it looks like he's looking for a little bit of everything. He replied that he honestly wasn't sure what he was looking for. I responded by asking how he was going to find what he's looking for if he doesn't know what it is. His argument was that love finds you.

Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. And it doesn't help that you hear variations of both sides of the coin...like the woman who determinedly goes out on a 100 dates and ends up finding the love of her life...or the person nonchalantly waiting at Grand Central for the train and meeting someone. How much is luck and how much is up to you? Maybe the key is having a certain amount of openness in general?

This blog is becoming really pathetic...

serious

I'm doing much better today. A day of sunshine and spending time in walking around NYC with out-of-town guests made a huge difference in my mood.

We walked in Central Park, around Rockefeller Center, along the Saks Fifth Avenue window display, into the Waldorf Astoria, through Grand Central Terminal, and over the Brooklyn Bridge. We ended the day at Grimaldi's sharing a pizza pie. It was a great day.

One thing Nancy told me (she hasn't seen me in over six years) is that I'm more serious now. I was definitely more bubbly, free-spirited, and outgoing back in California. Yesterday my college friend Laura was also telling me what she and others thought of me when I was in college. I liked who I was back in college...quirky and happier.

It makes me sad to think I've lost the free spirit I used to be. I wish I could get some of my old self back.

winter blues

They say people who suffer from seasonal affective disorder would do better if they lived closer to the equator. I do think the sunshine in California helped me be a happier person. It was also a different time in my life; I was younger and more carefree. But, still, sunshine does help. Dreary weather in NYC certainly doesn't.

They say if you can't relocate, then take a vacation whenever possible to a warmer climate during the winter. I'll be in California for a total of ten days next month. I hope there will be lots of sunshine and no rain. I've been feeling shitty, and I need all the sunshine I can get. Actually, a lot of sunshine and a gorgeous man doting on me wouldn't hurt. Well, no, not doting. I would find that creepy and suffocating. Kind and thoughtfully attentive will do just fine.

I realize how much more of a fragile person I am as the days grow shorter and how much more I really am in need of someone to be more attentive to me.

Winter sucks ass, and winter hasn't even begun.

heartbreaker

Today the manager at my office was telling me she thinks one of the head security officers is "sweet on me." I think he's a total sweetheart, too, but he's married with kids, and it's nothing more than an innocent crush, if you can even call it a crush at all. She was telling me she noticed how his face lights up when he talks about me. How sweet! She then said how he's not a bad person to have being sweet on me. I agree. He's a handsome man, and I have a little innocent crush on him too...

I don't want it to sound like I'm bragging, but there are three other men who work at the hospital who are "sweet on me." They all take the time out to speak with me and flirt with me in their own way whenever they see me. Now mind you, I don't consider any one of them to be potential suitors, but I admit the attention is nice...

Of the four, though, there is one that I think does have an actual crush on me. It seems like he's slowly working up the guts to ask me out. Not sure what to do about that one...

The manager at my office doesn't know about the other three guys at work, but she calls me a heartbreaker because she knows about my history with some of my patients. If only she knew what my real love life has been like. Maybe I've broken some hearts; I suppose I have...okay, I know I have. But to me I feel like calling me a "heartbreaker" seems like a joke when I'm the one who still feels utterly and repeatedly heartbroken.

slump

I know it's technically not winter yet, but I do wonder how much of my mood has been negatively affected by the lessening of daylight hours. Perhaps it could just be my melancholy tendency. Who knows. I just need to get out of this slump. Maybe I need to go back into therapy.

our healthcare system sucks...

I started writing a long blog entry about a particular patient and how the healthcare system seems to be failing him. I decided, however, not to get into all the details, not because any of it is identifying but because it probably doesn't make much sense to someone not involved. Heck, I had to ask a lot of questions to understand why it's so difficult to get someone placed in a rehab facility. It's because the facility can't handle his needs. It's because his insurance company only works with certain rehab facilities. Blah, blah, blah. My patient ended up in Long Island because that was the only place that would take him.

And then once you're transferred, how can you guarantee the person will get the same treatment? He's obviously not on the same pain medication he was receiving in the hospital because now he's in pain 19 hours a day. How is anyone supposed to get better if they're in excruciating pain 19 hours a day? His goal is to be strong enough to go home to start chemo and radiation. That's right; he's a cancer patient and he has been unable to start his cancer treatment.

Who is ultimately the doctor in charge? Even if you have a primary care physician, will your primary care doctor have access to all your records or the time to make sure everything is in order, especially when you're moved from one place to another? Patients have a hard enough time with all the different doctors they see at one hospital.

The manager of my department said that our job will unfortunately entail more advocacy with our healthcare system the way it is. *sigh* It's such a shame.

calling in sick and dreaming

No wonder I was feeling so tired at 10 PM last night. I was getting sick! I woke up this morning with an awfully sore throat. In my previous jobs, I would have probably gone to work anyway since I wasn't feeling terrible. Pop a pill and head out the door. But I decided to call in. I finally got out of bed about a half hour ago.

In the meantime, I kept having a lot of weird dreams. In one dream there were all these different type of crackers on the shelves. My sister and I were living together in a huge warehouse type apartment building. I remember sampling all the crackers. And I could taste them in my dream! I remember commenting to my sister about the different crackers and which one I liked. I guess we were sampling new crackers just before they went out to the market, and they wanted our opinions. Weird, right?

Maybe we were living with a whole group of people in this huge warehouse because there were other people in the dream. At another point, I must have been organizing the food in the kitchen and noticed that a box of pasta had torn open and was spilling out. I was trying to clean it up, and I asked if anyone knew whose pasta it was. It ended up being a giant box with other things inside, like a salt shaker, a pepper mill...and a large model ship which you could assemble with brushes on the bottom. Huh?

I don't know what those mean, but I must have been hungry because I had a lot of food dreamas. I haven't eaten anything yet today. Time to make some chicken soup!

who has the time?

I can't believe it's almost midnight already. Where did my day go?

Well, I was at work, for one. It ended up being a fairly busy day, busy enough that I didn't make it up to the psych unit. By the time I left work it was probably 4:45 PM. I get home and check my email, FB, and what-not. I eat something small. By 5:30 PM, I'm dressed and about to leave for the gym. I get to the gym and take an hour-long class. I shower. Leave the gym. Deposit a check at the bank. I get home. It's 8 PM. I make myself something to eat while the TV plays in the background. I eat. I clean up. I finish watching Biggest Loser. It's 10 PM..."Do you know where your children are?" I was thinking of heading to bed at that time because I'm tired, but I decided to apply for a job instead. Yes, that's right. I'm looking for a part-time job, not more than 10 hours a week. My student loan payments start very, very soon, and that's an extra $400 a month. CRAZY. Yeah, so I need a job to supplement my income from my not-quite-full-time job. *sigh*

No, I didn't check the online dating site. I haven't been on it for several days now. I mean, who has the time?

kundalini

Yesterday I decided to check out a yoga class at the gym. This yoga class was specifically Kundalini yoga and after reading the description, I knew it was what I needed.

Maybe I strained this muscle in my upper back/shoulder/neck area (whatever it is) while working out a week or so ago. I've recently been pushing myself harder at the gym, using heavier weights and working out longer. Or it could be my posture when I'm using the computer at home. Or it could be the way I sleep. Or it could simply be stress. Probably all of the above.

The lights were turned off for the yoga class. At the beginning of the class, the instructor asked if anyone was new. There were four of us newbies. She then stated that she was wanting to do a more meditative class today but was open to doing something more rigorous if the class wanted. I was there for the meditative so I was glad she brought it up and was glad when everyone agreed to a more meditative class. She stated this particular Kundalini class was going to help us with past relationships and family. How perfect. It was just what I needed.

During the class I found myself thinking about how I've been working harder at the gym to be stronger. I guess I've been needing to feel strong. What I've been really doing is holding all this tension in my shoulders. Instead of being stronger, what I really needed to do was to let go.

I didn't sweat at all during the yoga class. It wasn't much in terms of a workout, but, boy, I was glad I went.

stuck-ness and moving forward

I'm sitting in my apartment on a chilly Saturday afternoon. I haven't accomplished much yet today, but I plan to get a list of things done after I put some thoughts into words. I haven't been sleeping well this week, and I'm guessing part of it is because I've had a lot on my mind.

I still have two short papers I need to write for one of the denominational courses I took at the end of the summer. The papers are way overdue. I've been realizing how my procrastination with these papers and with the licensing process with my denomination is due to...well, I don't think I can get into all of it here, but let's just say that I know now that I need to move forward with it, even if I don't feel like I have everything lined up in my life. The truth is, I love the work I do, and I want to be fully licensed and eventually ordained for the purpose of my work. I had a great week at work this week, actually. It was tough emotionally, but I really believe I made a significant difference for at least two patients.

Last Saturday I took a zipcar out to Bucks County, PA in order to attend Suzi's wedding. She's a wonderful woman, and I'm happy she's now married to a wonderful guy. I know it has been a long and often painful process for her in her journey to find someone. I enjoyed the wedding as much as I could, despite not really knowing anyone else at the wedding (acquaintances, but no friends) and despite it being a rather cold outdoor wedding. The truth is, I was feeling rather awful on the inside...resentful, even. I hated that I was at the wedding by myself.

Oh, did I not mention? I'm not with him anymore...again. Another ending of the on-and-off ambiguous relationship.

On Sunday I arrived at church with puffy bags under my eyes. No one said anything; I guess I just looked super sleep-deprived, which I was.

By Sunday night I revived my old profile on a dating site I was on at the beginning of this year. Within 24 hours I was contacted by two 25 year olds, a 23 year old, a man who didn't seem to get why I didn't know where "Manie" was, and two guys who contacted me when I was on there the first time. There's a reason nothing went anywhere with those two. The first 24 hours didn't seem very promising at all. I hope my luck has changed.

It's been less than a week online, and I've already met someone face to face. He seems like a mature, quality guy with a good head on his shoulders. We've agreed to meet again for dinner although we haven't made specific plans. My only concern at this point is that he mentioned an ex-wife in passing. Egads, I hope this is not another one...

It's way too soon to say more than that, I know. I haven't decided yet if I want to revive my dating blog for the entertainment of my friends. I plan to see if any other available quality men exist on the site and take things one step at a time. No more being stuck in any area of my life. I'm moving forward in all of it.

nine years

Yesterday was the nine year anniversary of 9/11. Originally I wanted to head to Ground Zero early, before the first bell rings at the time the first tower was hit. Unfortunately the sound of hammering (from where, I have no clue) woke me up at 5 a.m. and disrupted my sleep. I slept in.

When I woke up, I turned on the television to watch the ceremony. They were reading "B" last names. I made breakfast and looked through pictures of college. Andy and his big glasses will always be the image most visible in my mind when I think of him.

They read his name. The bell rang and silence was observed for when each tower fell. I found myself sobbing both times. It brought back to my mind the images of the towers falling.

I made my way to Ground Zero late in the morning. There were TONS of tourists. I found myself frustrated. Perhaps it was all the construction, but it felt as if I was so far from where the ceremony was taking place. It was much better on TV. Still, I wanted to be there.

I stepped into Trinity Church (aka Trinity Wall Street). I decided to stay for their 12:05 p.m. Votive Eucharistic service. I doubt I would ever become an Episcopalian, but I find the high church style beautifully moving. Sitting in the beautiful sanctuary with the stained glass, listening to the beautiful sounds from the choir ensemble, breathing in the incense, standing and sitting and kneeling, reciting and singing...it involves every part of you.

I shed a few tears while the ensemble sang and during the communion. I was glad for such a peaceful and reflective place.

And then I went outside. What a change. There were so many demonstrations. The Quran burning threat brought out a crowd. The Islamic cultural center controversy brought out a crowd too. But it was more than that. There was a huge group protesting abortion and homosexuality. There were tons of people handing out tracts and a few people preaching on the streets. It's as if all of the fundamentalist Christians converged and capitalized on the day. It made me sad and angry. What happened to gathering together as a community to mourn, grieve, and remember? When did 9/11 become so divisive?

Then I walked into St. Paul's chapel. I didn't realize it had been turned into a kind of museum. St. Paul's chapel symbolizes what I think was the good that came out of 9/11. People coming together and doing what they can.

Anyway...I have other thoughts after yesterday. I'll save that for the next post.

even better

I haven't updated since things changed! When I got back from Chicago, my supervisor offered me a staff chaplain position. How awesome is that?!

I do feel fortunate and blessed. It turns out the chaplain I'm "replacing" (not really because people aren't replaceable, but positions are) waited until now to retire so I could have the position. How sweet is that?! I was touched when she told me.

My salary will go up starting in September, but unfortunately, so do my expenses. Ugh. In the end, it looks like things will come out basically the same as now. Oh, well. If I need to I can pick up a few hours elsewhere since my position is technically part-time at 30 hours a week.

So it's happiness about the position, but the reality is there too. Student loans! *sigh*

the contract

A letter has been provided and the official contract has been signed. I have been offered to stay on at the hospital for up to another year, and I get to stay in the hospital. Hip, hip, hooray!!

Thanks, everyone, for your well wishes and prayers.

I'm in Chicago now to take a couple of classes for my denomination. Another reason this whole thing at the hospital works out well is that it will give me time to work on my final assignments for the classes.

As much as I dislike taking vacation days to take classes, the weather in Chicago has been great!

possible possibility

So it is still too early to know how strong this possibility is, but my supervisor presented a possibility that would be totally awesome.

It turns out that they are currently short one resident for the coming year. My boss asked if I would be open to staying on payroll with benefits while taking one weekly overnight and one additional normal workday. He said it would give me the time to look for a chaplaincy position. If a position became available to me, I wouldn't be obligated to stay. How could I not like this proposal? On top of that he is going to see if I can also stay in the apartment. That would be incredible!

Right now, it is all only a possibility. If a qualified candidate became available to fill the resident position or if the idea is rejected by the higher ups, it would be a no go. I hope it's a go! I pray it is so!

Hopefully my next update will be a good one, but I do recognize how this at least shows that my boss values me and my work. That feels good. :-)

post-residency prediction

I have this feeling that after residency I will be working in a temp job and living with three young and irresponsible roommates in a tiny rundown apartment in a shitty neighborhood.

Let's hope it doesn't come down to that.

endurance

(I think I may have lost my free wireless connection at home. I'm at the office now. Stinkers!)

During my 24 hour duty day earlier this week, I saw a man in the hallway near the ICU who seemed to be looking for someone or something. I asked if I could help him. He stated he was waiting for his wife to get out of surgery, and it seemed as if she wasn't out yet. I asked for the name of his wife, and I recognized the name but could not recall why. He stated I should stop by and see her after she is out of surgery.

I followed up today, partially because I said I would and partially because I was still curious as to why this woman's name sounded so familiar. Although she was not on my assigned floor, I figured it was worth at least a quick hello.

As soon as I walked through the door of her room, I recognized her face although I still could not recall why. She then explained that I had seen her just over a year ago. She stated I had walked into her room, and I had walked in just when she began to crack. This patient is generally a very upbeat and optimistic person, but she had gone through a lot and had reached her limit. She was in tears when I visited her last year.

I don't remember exactly what I said to her, but I remember we had both felt the visit was a divine appointment. I had walked in at just the right time and told her exactly what she needed to hear. As she reminded me of this today, she also informed me that she never forgot what I said to her. Apparently I had said something about praying for endurance. She informed me that after she left the hospital, she had the word endurance engraved in a stone and then made into a refrigerator magnet. Wow!

I was so touched and encouraged that a visit I had made a year ago had that much of a lasting impact. I don't often get to hear of what happens after a patient leaves, so I felt fortunate to have had this opportunity. I see it as another divine appointment that I would run into her husband the other evening. How else would I have known she was here?

Endurance. I feel like I need some of that myself these days. I need God to give me the endurance to get through these next few months. I am grateful to receive the same advice I had given to a patient just over a year ago.

bossy

Two of my fellow residents told me at lunch yesterday that they think I'm bossy. Eh?

I mean, I am the oldest in my family, so I recognize I have the potential to be bossy...

Maybe it depends on the nature of the relationship. I do find it interesting that the two people who said this are both men. I certainly don't think I'm bossy with patients. Is it that they have issues with a woman who might sometimes disagree with them? Yes, I let people know how I feel about things. I don't hide it. But does that make me bossy? I certainly don't consider myself to be mean about things, even if I may disagree.

Sometimes I feel like I can be bossy with my fake boyfriend and maybe I was a bit bossy with A when we dated. I most certainly don't think I was ever bossy with K...

Hmm...very curious indeed...

Do you think I'm bossy?

oh so tired

During my individual supervision hour at work, I burst into tears at one point somewhat unexpectedly. I don't even recall what my supervisor said or what question he might have asked, but all I remember is bursting into tears and saying, "I'm so tired."

I have done so much damn moving around in my life, and I want it to be done. I'm so sick and tired of the constant change. It's like my life has been spent running around in circles, and all I want to do is land somewhere and stop the spinning.

It's not just that I don't have a job after residency is over, but I also need a place to stay. I can't extend a lease here because this is a hospital apartment. The other two residents looking for jobs are both married and don't have the pressure of needing to move or even needing to find a job right away. I consider that a luxury. And it's not like I can move back in with my parents like some people have done.

I had to move four times last year, and as if moving isn't already really stressful, there were some frustrating events including a nightmare roommate situation and a nightmare moving company experience to add to it all. I would really prefer not to have to deal with roommates ever again in my life, but unless I find a job that pays me well enough, there is a good chance I will have to consider it.

My boss also told me today that the person in charge of job placement with the chaplaincy umbrella organization has been let go from his job. I was supposed to meet with him in July, so now what's going to happen?

And I'm tired of being disappointed in my dating life. Why does everything have to be so hard?

I'm tired...oh, so, very tired.

what to do...

So...do I...

Stay in NYC no matter what? This would mean finding any job possible before residency ends.

Go wherever I find a job? This would mean relocating if I can't find anything in NYC.

I really hope I find the job I want here in NYC. The other two options...I just don't know...

anger

Sometime early this morning I had a dream...

(This is turning into a dream blog!)

In the dream I was leading some sort of church Bible study group. I don't recall if this was taking place in my home or someone else's...I'm guessing it was someone else's. Anyway, it was a fairly large group. I don't remember the details, but it seemed as if there were interruptions happening during the meeting. At one point during the group meeting, one of the male group members tried to address an issue. I asked him to wait until the end to address the issue. I wanted to stay on task, and we had already had several interruptions. This particular group member disagreed with me and kept pushing that this was something we needed to address now. I tried to state my case again. Out of frustration, I then asked the people in the group what they wanted to do. The male group member riled up the group, and in the end, it was 15 on my side and 16 on his. At this point in my dream I became really angry. I began to yell. And then I startled myself awake.

It was the strong angry emotion that startled me awake.

I guess I have some lingering issues from my time in lay ministry.

*sigh*

closure

Closure is a good thing. I finally got the closure I needed on Friday.

I looked through old pictures just now. (My hair used to be so long!) I do feel a little sad as I write this, but it's not an upsetting kind of sad.

I do dislike that everything is so up in the air with my life right now. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up after fast forwarding to the future. But getting to the future doesn't quite work that way.

We'll see what happens when everything lands. Hopefully things will fall into place sooner than later.

the longest monday ever

Today feels like the longest Monday, ever. I wish today was a workday. It would be nice to have some work to distract myself.

There are some things I will never understand.

the house

I had a dream last night...

In my dream a former friend of mine had just bought a house. He invited us over to see it, kind of an informal pre-housewarming. I remember intentionally arriving early to help get things ready. One other person was already there, but not this friend of mine. Come to think of it, he doesn't show up in my dream after that.

I remember walking into a small dark house. The furniture was tattered old 70s furniture. The carpet was a nasty old green. Everything was musty and old. It felt kind of depressing.

But then I remember looking up at the slanted ceilings and thinking that the place at least had a uniqueness to it. And then people started coming in. I remember others commented on the old ugly furniture and carpet. At that point I noticed a beautiful large hallway. The walls were covered with a beautiful mosaic tile. The ceiling in the hallway was a giant open skylight. I pointed out to my friends that the house actually had a lot going for it. I pointed out the unique slanted ceilings and the beautiful hallway. I suggested that all that needed to be done was to remove the old furniture and the carpet and put in some hardwood floors. My friends began to see it the same way too.

And then someone pointed out that the kitchen was a good size. I agreed it was, and was happy to find such a suitable kitchen. Slowly, without me recognizing it in the dream, the house was changing. As I walked around, it was much larger than it was before. There was more light, and it was clean. As I walked around, I noticed there was another kitchen area. In fact, I noticed that there were lots of gas burners, and I wondered why this house had so many. The house was filled with many people by now.

I met the former owner of the house, and he told me he ran a ministry to troubled kids. He would take them in, and that is why they had so much space for cooking. He then showed me some other rooms and explained what they were used for. I remember telling him that one of the rooms would be my room. I told him I picked it because it was blessed and had been used to do so much good. I was making plans to possibly tear the wall down into the next smaller room to make my room larger and perhaps build a walk-in closet. In my dream, somehow, the house was no longer my friend's but mine.

The former owner of the house explained he was moving so that he could be in an area where he could do the most ministry. He said he was moving to Rowland Heights, CA. (How do I interpret that??) I remember even seeing a video about his ministry and all the happy smiling adolescents that he had helped. I remember feeling so fortunate I could be in a house that had helped so many people.

The house continued to grow and change, although in my dream, I didn't seem to realize it. There were stairs that led up to a second level, but I don't remember if I saw the second floor in my dream. This is all I remember. The small, dingy house grew and transformed into something not only large and beautiful physically but was beautiful because of how the place had been used to help others. Even though it did not start off as my house, it became mine.

Interpretations?

the unknown

When does it end? Does it ever? I mean, probably not completely, but when will things finally feel more...settled?

I've been stressed out lately. Last week I had a canker sore, a twitching eyelid, I was hungrier than normal (my normal which is probably more then normal), and I wasn't sleeping well. These are all classic signs of stress for me.

I've been taking steps...baby steps, but steps...to continue on with the denominational licensing process. It's a LOT of paper work, which I dislike. And the whole thing still makes me nervous and a little afraid.

I will talk to my supervisor about job opportunities, but right now, I'm not finding much of anything in NYC. I would prefer working either in the lower part of Manhattan or in Brooklyn. A part of me thinks I need to be prepared that I may not find a chaplaincy job right away. Quite frankly, I just need to find any job by the time my residency ends.

I will also need to find a place to live. Unfortunately it will be difficult to live on my own with NYC rent being so high. I would really prefer not to deal with roommates again, but I am preparing myself for the likely possibility.

Strangely enough, my relationship is the one thing that feels the most stable. I mean, I can't say with 100% certainty that things will work out, but right now, it's the one thing I feel most settled about. Is there some anxiety there? Yes, a little, but nothing like all the other stuff I'm dealing with and certainly a lot less than before.

And all this has sent my mind wandering again. I found out that Blanton-Peale has a pending MA program in MFT. Can you believe NYC does not have one single MA program in MFT (Marriage Family Therapy)? Not one! I've had a long lingering interest in Blanton-Peale as a training institute, and this seems to be a promising possible opportunity...

In any case, these next few months are going to be nerve-wracking. Prayers, well-wishes, etc. are all greatly appreciated!!

(Oh, and if you're planning to leave a comment in Chinese, can you at least leave a translation for me, please? Thanks.)

learning to really live

It's taken me a little while to adjust to being a chaplain on the Telemetry units. It's not like the ICU or Oncology where emphasis is often on death and loss. And it's not like the Psych unit where the emphasis, I believe, is on simply connecting to the person as a person. Honestly, I was kinda bored with Telemetry. It didn't seem like it was enough of a challenge.

But I've had a couple of meaningful and powerful visits. The visits have made me realize how I can use my pastoral authority to help people live differently moving forward...to make the necessary changes in order to really live. I can help people learn to live well.

I won't go into too much detail, but unfortunately people don't realize how much stress can impact your physical health. A patient of mine told me today how I've helped her realize what God has been trying to teach her, about letting go and letting God. Okay, okay, I used to dislike when people would say, "Let go. Let God." but I think there was a good lesson in there for her to learn.

As long as God has given you breath, live well, my friends. Live life to the fullest.

losing a mother

I had a pretty intense/emotional on-call day on Thursday. It seems losing a mother is harder than any other loss, at least it seems so from the different reactions I see from family members. I mean, the death of a loved one is always sad and hard, but losing your mom? The most dramatic responses I've seen from family members have always been with losing a mother.

A large number of family members had arrived after a patient coded. I had met the patient and one of her daughters before when they were on my unit. The one daughter had always been the most composed, but after she saw her mom in between codes, unresponsive and intubated, she snapped. She started to scream at the top of her lungs and then collapsed to the floor. Everyone was alarmed, and it was quite the scene. *sigh* She later asked me if my mother was alive, and if so, to cherish her.

I've only seen screaming, kicking, collapsing when it comes to losing a mother. For my reflection the next morning with the staff I shared a couple of paragraphs from Henri Nouwen's book In Memoriam, a short book written about his mother's death. He reflects on how something so ordinary...meaning, most people will lose their mother...is so unfathomed. It's true. I commonly hear the sense of disbelief: "She can't really be gone. How can I live without her?" There's something about losing a mother...

I can't really explain it myself since my mother is still alive. Perhaps I wouldn't be able to explain it even if I had the experience. But from the reactions I've seen, it is a tremendous loss, indeed.

There are certainly other tragic losses. Losing a child and outliving your child...that's a tremendous loss. Losing a life partner...a loss so great that many elderly spouses die soon afterwards. All great losses, but somehow a little different in their own way.

uhm...

That's about all I can say right now.

I'm feeling happy and nervous and scared and uncertain and hopeful and afraid and wishful and....*deep breath*

I need some time to process and see what happens before I can blog about it here.

too long of a nap

I should be sleeping right now, but I took a nap this afternoon. I guess I took too long of a nap.

A friend of mine had a birthday party on Saturday. I had wanted to go, but I had my reasons for not going. I just saw her pictures on FB, and I'm glad I didn't go. I mean, of course I wanted to celebrate her, but both K and A were there. That would have been AWKWARD. Ugh.

Some of my interactions on the online dating site feel like informal online counseling. Some 28 year old started up an online chat with me. It turns out he's a Korean PK (Pastor's Kid). And he admits to being lost and feeling purposeless. He wanted to ask me out, but of course I had to say no. Poor kid.

Lots of weeding out, my friends. It takes a lot of weeding out...

the goal

It does feel a little different being on an online dating site this time around. In the past I was often looking to meet people, date, and although I did want a relationship, I didn't necessarily make it my goal. Well...it is now.

I had my first IRL (in real life) meeting from this dating site. He was Persian/Turkish/Armenian. I think he was 45. Attractive. In his first message to me he basically asked that we meet up. As it turns out, he isn't looking for anything serious. It was my mistake that I didn't determine this from the start. But he wasn't sleazy about it, and he said he really liked our conversation and would like to become friends.

Today I got a message from someone and when I asked him what he wanted, he said he was looking to expand his social circle. I told him while I understand what it is that he's looking for, I didn't think we were looking for the same thing.

I don't want to come across as being desperate. I certainly don't want to marry just for the sake of it. But I most certainly don't plan on wasting any more time walking down a dead end street.

Btw, I think I will resurrect my secret dating blog and write my online dating updates on there. If you don't know what the address for my dating blog is and want to know, ask me. If you can't ask me, then you probably shouldn't be reading it anyway.

where I'm supposed to be...

Yesterday I had a couple of visits where I was told I came at just the right time and that God must have sent me.

Today I gave a closing prayer at a memorial service for a nurse that died unexpectedly at the age of 41. I was told it was a beautiful prayer.

My supervisor also told me he believes I won't have a problem finding a job in the NYC area after residency ends.

It seems I'm where I'm supposed to be.

I just have to deal with the whole denominational licensing thing first...

*sigh* I stand in my own way sometimes, it seems...

my fake boyfriend and online dating

My fake boyfriend asked if we could move in together in September. I mean, in some ways it makes sense. We get along well. He likes to organize and de-clutter. I like to obsess about keeping the kitchen, bathroom, and floors clean. We'd take turns cooking. I know he also doesn't want me to leave New York, and it's nice to know someone wants me around.

My fake boyfriend and I edited each other's online dating profiles. It was helpful, and I like where my profile is at now.

There was this 29 year old PhD student who had contacted me. Honestly, if I were to see him at a bar somewhere, I doubt I would have given him a second look, but he seemed smart and sincere so I decided why not. It all went south though when we were both online and he initiated a chat with me. It started with the usual "How are you?" stuff, and then he said, "You are so sexy." OK. First red flag. I mean, saying something like that after we met and got to know each other is different, but what is he basing this on? He then said he couldn't meet on Thursday and asked if Friday would work. He then asked if I was looking for something serious. At first I thought he was asking about our first meet-up, and I was going to tell him we could keep it low-key. I decided, however, to clarify what he meant. He then asked if I was looking for a serious relationship. Egads! Even geeky-looking guys are just looking to hook-up/have a fling! Maybe it sounds mean, but if I was in fact looking for a fling, I certainly wouldn't look to have one with him. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't bother looking online for a hook-up. It's much easier to just wear something that shows cleavage and go dancing. Good grief.

The dating scene for people in my age bracket is different, I realize. In the past I would have never considered anyone who had a child, but now...I feel like I need to keep my options open. Although...in the past I would never have considered anyone who was previously married, but I didn't let that stop me from dating you-know-who, and look how that turned out...

Someone from Los Angeles messaged me. I am generally not open to long-distance dating, but I can make an exception for L.A.

*sigh* I can't believe I'm back to the online dating thing. Yesterday I found myself thinking about how Kirk and I met, and, well, it just made me sad.

Life goes on.

restless in Brooklyn

Who had the bright idea that celibacy is a gift? The Apostle Paul? Good grief...

I've been feeling extremely restless these days. I had a really rough on-call day/night on Thursday. I basically slept all day on Friday to recover. And then Saturday came, and I realized I had not made any plans for the weekend. How did that happen?

Anyway, it made me realize I need to meet more Brooklynites. I love my Manhattan and Jersey friends, but sometimes I just want to stay local, you know? Being as bored as I was this evening, I just joined about a half a dozen Brooklyn MeetUp groups.

Anyway, maybe if I was at least meeting people and being more social, then I wouldn't be so restless...maybe...maybe not.

I don't know. I think celibacy is just plain cruel.

create, delete, create

I just spent the last two hours deleting my online dating profile and creating a new one. Whew!

In the few days I have been on with my last profile, it's been quiet. I am pretty sure one of the guys who sent me a message also sent me a message a while back, but I don't know where. It has not gotten off to a good start, which is part of the reason why I wanted to start it over. Also my username was too close to my "real" username, and I didn't feel comfortable with it. I went back to an old username I used when I first tried internet dating in 2002, I think it was.

Honestly, I'm not expecting much from the online dating thing. My friend who is also on the same dating site says she's noticed that she's gotten a lot less attention online now that she's past 30. Great. This friend of mine also happens to be younger, taller, and blonder than I am.

Oh, well. I am not going to spend any more energy on this tonight, but if any of you have ideas/suggestions on what I should include in my profile, please let me know.

Yesterday I did my best to focus on the fact that it was the Lunar New Year. I believe I was fairly successful, but I still ended my night eating dark chocolate and sipping red wine. Boo.

in love with a christian

My bro and his crew....

LOL!!

when it feels like a dream

Yesterday was another long and emotional on-call day/night. During the day I stopped by the psych unit to say goodbye to a patient that holds a special place in my heart. (Have I written about her?) Early in the evening I ended up ministering for about two hours to an outpatient who was there for radiation treatment. (Long story.) By 9 p.m. I was feeling like my day had been full enough already. I was hoping to be able to sleep last night, but I think I maybe got three hours...

I was called to a code in the ER Trauma room. I may have mentioned this before, but I think codes in the ER Trauma room have been some of the most difficult situations I have seen. This one was no exception. In all I spent five hours with the family of a middle-aged man who suffered from a heart attack while watching TV at home after dinner. It was like any regular night for the family, but then it all turned into what would feel like a really bad dream.

Without going into too much detail, there were many reasons why this visit was so gripping. First, the man's age. Second, although he has suffered from diabetes as a child, he was healthy. He had just seen his doctor that morning. He was training to run the NYC Marathon this year. Third, and perhaps most importantly, his wife was Asian. She spoke English with a bit of an accent.

I have not yet had a Korean patient. I have had a handful of Chinese patients. I have had one Japanese patient. Asian patients in general are not common in this hospital. The way the wife spoke and carried herself felt so familiar in ways that I really haven't experienced so far. It's what we call "transference" in this line of work. I'm not quite sure if I can accurately explain it all here.

It was the way she and her younger son talked with a mixture of English. It was the way he promised his mom that he would work hard to get his grades up. It was the way she noticed I was standing (and understood it was out of respect) and the way she politely offered me a seat. It was the manner in which she carefully listened to the doctors and asked questions.

The oldest son had hopped on a train and arrived after his father passed. He was expecting to be back on the train to get back to campus in the morning but the situation went from critical to hopeful to suddenly gone in a matter of three hours.

I cried with them, but mostly I cried for them when the doctor delivered the news. Total and utter shock. The youngest son said it all felt like a bad dream.

It was the way the wife spoke to her husband as he lay lifeless. She gently wiped off the smear of blood on his face. She tenderly said, "Honey...thank you...I love you..." The youngest son and I could not hold back the tears.

When I finally said my goodbyes to the family, they stood up. The wife shook my hand, bowed, and said, "Thank you so much." I was so immensely touched by her genuine gratitude. The bow had said everything.

Yet another visit that will stay with me...

the church meat market

This morning I was planning to head back to the church in Brooklyn which belongs to my denomination. Unfortunately I missed my bus, and about one minute into walking the 25 minutes to the church, I decided it was just too cold. Right at that moment I found myself at the entrance of a Presbyterian church I had visited once before. I hesitated and then walked in. I hesitated because I don't see myself attending regularly, even though it's only two blocks from my apartment. Since it's a PCA church I find myself automatically closed off...even if it is connected to a much larger and well-known PCA church in Manhattan with a well-respected pastor/preacher. Anyway...

The congregation is on the younger side and is fairly diverse. There are a lot of young couples with black or Asian babies, which I found a little odd, but it's Park Slope, after all. And...I will admit, there seemed to be a fair number of single men. Okay, a lot of them had beards, and I still don't understand what it is with Brooklyn men and beards, but anyway. I sat there thinking, "Maybe I should choose a church based on their availability of single men..."

Why not? Okay, okay. I know why not. It can get messy. In general I never thought it was a good idea, especially if you happen to be a leader in the church, and I usually am. But I'm not now, so why not?

If I choose a church based on this criteria, the church in Brooklyn that is part of my denomination is a no-go. I have considered visiting a church in Queens that belongs to the denomination. It will probably take about 45 minutes to get there, but now that the G train runs to my stop, it's much more feasible. I have met people from the church before, and I am guessing there are at least a handful of single men. The only problem is...it's a predominately Asian church...

Okay, maybe I'll do some research and find a suitable "meat market" church. It seems a lot more appealing than doing the online dating thing again. Plus, I've been looking for a church community anyway. It's like killing two birds with one stone.

What do you think?

thoughts...

I am working today, a Saturday, which kinda blows, but I had Friday off and I'll get Monday off too as compensation. I don't really have the time or energy right now to write a well thought out blog entry, but I thought I would jot down some of the things that have been on my mind these days. Here it goes!

It's really freaking cold today.

My mom has bad knees. I fear I have inherited her knees. It sometimes hurts my left knee when I wear high heels and walk down stairs. I should stop wearing heels higher than an inch. That blows.

Or maybe I am overpronating and maybe some good insoles will help.

I really like Italian shoes. And I love that I can find Italian shoes at Daffy's on clearance for less than $20!

Why is an emotionally available, quality single man so hard to find? I've asked my friends if they know of any, and even my male friends agree that it's a hard find. That blows.

I really don't want to do the online dating thing again, but is that my only option?

Do I really have time to think about meeting someone? I should really be working on being licensed by a denomination so that I can be fully qualified when it's time to begin job hunting.

I have fears about the process of becoming licensed, let alone ordained, by a denomination. I don't know if the denomination will accept me.

I need to establish myself in a church community. I have friends, but I'm lacking a spiritual community. That blows.

Kitchen gadgetry makes me really happy. I just bought a wine finer and a mandoline, and I'm completely giddy about it.

I also bought a new skirt suit which fits me pretty well. I would love to get a custom tailored suit from Moi-Meme.

A part of me thinks it's not the right time to be meeting someone anyway. I mean, I don't know where I'll be by the end of the year. But then again, I am really tired of waiting. Maybe I should trust that if I do meet the right person, the rest of the stuff will be figured out too. Plus, I really miss physical affection. This morning I flashbacked to when I met some random guy at a lounge several years ago. It was on one of my many I'm-mad-at-Kirk-and-want-nothing-to-do-with-him-anymore days. It was the hottest make-out session (with a stranger) ever. He had a really hard muscular body. Oh, Lord, I am so guilty of lust, I know. Goodness, I don't even remember the guy's name. He wanted me to go home with him, but I wasn't going to do that.

I don't want to do that kind of thing anymore. I realize that kind of action was mostly fueled by anger and a need to stroke my ego. I gave up random strangers a while ago. It's all so temporary, and I'm looking for something more permanent.

When I do meet the right quality guy...and, no, there is not just one right guy...the right guy is the one who is ready and willing to make things work...and, well, it has to be mutual, too. Okay, so, when I do meet the right guy, I am totally open to moving things along quickly. You know those couples that meet and marry all within a year? Yeah...I think I'm done with being patient.

I should get back to work. There is some potential drama at the hospital today, so I need to be ready.

Did I mention it's freaking cold today?

the 'rents

I have been wanting to blog, but it's been a bit busy. I had a long on-call day/night yesterday, and now my parents are in town! Yay! They will only be here until Thursday so we'll have to make the most of it.

I'll be back to blogging soon!

goodbyes

When did I become so bad with saying goodbye? Maybe I've always been this way...

Last Friday was my last day as the unit chaplain for the psych unit. We've rotated floor assignments, and now I'm covering the Telemetry units. I had given folks on the psych floor about a week and a half notice of my departure. The staff on the unit have been telling me what a difference I've made with a particular patient. She's been here for over five months, and I have been able to gain her trust over time. In the beginning I didn't know if she was going to yell at me or just scowl, but by the end she would ask me to spend time with her whenever she would she me. The assistant nurse manager stated she had told him that she loves me. I am the only one she believes that is not trying to destroy her.

I hadn't anticipated how angry she would be on Friday. I recognized early on that she was responding to the fact that it was my last day. Some of the things she said in anger did hurt, but I realized it was her own way of saying she was going to miss me and that she was afraid I was going to be another person to abandon her too. I didn't want to be another person to abandon her.

I processed this last visit with my supervisor. And today I decided to present the visit as a case study with my group. As I wrote up the conversation and my analysis, I cried. I went to bed crying. I told the group I was going to cry when I presented it. My connection with this patient reaches into a deep part of me, and it was hard to say goodbye.

I've had to say so many goodbyes in my life. I'm tired of it.

more dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was in a house living with my parents again. It was raining inside the house late at night. I was in my bed and even though it was not raining on me, it was raining everywhere else in the room. I went to check on my parents, and there was some water dripping from the ceiling and their floor was wet. But it wasn't pouring rain like it was in the rest of the house.

In another part of the dream I was driving a car. I turned onto a road, but everyone else was driving in the opposite direction. I remember in the dream that everyone else was going the wrong way and was convinced I was going on the wrong direction. Then I saw a small road to my right and turned to avoid the oncoming traffic. The road was so narrow that I was afraid that I had turned onto a one-way street, but I saw that it wasn't.

That's all I remember from my dreams last night. Anyone have any ideas on what it all may mean?

My parents are coming in a week! I am excited to see them. I also worry about them from time to time, particularly since they're so far away. I am sure the first part of the dream had to do with my concerns.

The other part? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it has to do with the direction of my life and what will happen when my residency ends at the end of August.

Yes, I have had a lot on my mind these days...and not just my parents or what will happen after August. Maybe I'll write about the other stuff another time.

haiti and fear

The devastation that has taken place in Haiti is mind-boggling and heart-breaking.

And then there are people like Pat Robertson who say things like, Haiti is cursed because they sold themselves to the devil and somehow deserved the devastation. I was thinking about how people believe things like this, and I found myself in tears. I'm not exactly sure why, but I am sure at least part of it is that I find it incredibly sad that people believe in a God that would be so cruel. I cannot believe that God would purposefully destroy people living in such poverty. And how do people like Pat Robertson explain the earthquake victims who were Christian?

As I was crying I thought, "I cannot believe in a God like this..."

It's the God I was taught as a child, and quite frankly, although it may lead to living a "righteous" life, it's really a life of fear and not of love.

I'm done with living in fear.

lars and the real girl

I highly recommend the film Lars and the Real Girl. It is a charming, quirky, off-beat film about a quiet loner of a young man who ends up introducing a sex doll to his family as his girlfriend. Sounds strange, but trust me! It's a great film.

Having been on the psych unit at the hospital, I see a lot of patients who have various delusions. Instead of trying to "correct" their delusions, my personal preference is to go along with it and see where it leads. Lars and the Real Girl does the same sort of thing, and the result is a heart-warming film about community and human connection.

I am now a Ryan Gosling fan, and I never thought I would be after watching The Notebook. LOL.

Go rent it NOW! :-)

Speaking of the psych unit, we will be rotating floor assignments so I will no longer be the chaplain for the psych unit after this week. :-( I've mentioned this to some of the staff, and they've expressed how much they will miss having me around. They tell me I've really made a difference. *sniff* My goal wasn't to gain staff approval, but it IS nice to know they've noticed my efforts with the patients. I told them I hope to return to the psych unit for the last rotation. Of course, I also said that after my oncology rotation, but I realize that fewer people seem comfortable working with psych patients, even less than those working with cancer patients. I think the fact that I enjoy it says something. (I'll leave it to you to decide what it says.)

Lars and the Real Girl!

two dreams

I know I had at least two dreams last night.

In the first dream I was assisting at the church of someone from last year's CPE residency group. It seems in my dream I was on the path to becoming ordained as a Methodist minister. Weird.

In the second dream...well, this one was more disjointed and bizarre...I think there was some sort of "prom" type of event that a bunch of us were getting ready for. I remember both of my siblings were in my dream. I remember that my brother (who looked thinner and younger) was wearing a t-shirt with Korean writing on it under his dress shirt and tie. I remember saying something to him about how the writing of his t-shirt could be seen under his dress shirt. And then I recall my sister handing him something else he could wear under his dress shirt. It was white but it had embroidered edges on it. Really weird.

Then in the same dream I remember I was behind in getting ready. I had originally planned to wear one of my vintage dresses, but as time was ticking I realized that it would need to be tailored to fit me properly. So then I decided to wear the purple dress I wore at my sister's wedding. There were a lot of things going on in the dream. It seems I had different responsibilities which were keeping me from getting ready. I was feeling rushed to be ready by 6 p.m. I remember there was some announcement for a competition of some kind. The person announcing the competition said that the "morning people" (or something like that) would go first. Then he announced two more chances for the morning people. I remember in my dream I got angry with the announcer. I told him it wasn't fair that the morning people were getting so many chances and that the "evening" people hadn't gotten any yet. I then remember running downstairs to find a place where I could change and get ready. I was trying to find the ladies room. I eventually found the ladies room, and if I am remembering correctly, the women in there were all older women. I was rushing to get ready, and I was having make-up mishaps.

I think that's when I woke up. I don't know if I got ready on time or anything like that. Really, really weird.

The first dream obviously has to do with ordination. The second dream obviously has to do with the fact that I feel my clock is ticking. I feel behind. I feel like I've had other responsibilities that have kept me busy and behind. The "morning people" in my dream probably stands for women in their 20s, younger women in the dating scene. I find myself in the end with a bunch of older women. I was trying very hard to get ready so I could get out of there (the room with the older women) and get to the event. In my dream I don't find out if I make it.

*sigh*

(I have another blog entry to write about concerning a certain someone, but I think I will save that for another day...)