autohaptic

I realized today that my not-eating thing-- which, yes, is borderline anorexia when it gets bad-- is because of anxiety/stress. It's the same way my OCD manifests more as I get more stressed.

They're both squarely in the anxiety-reaction spectrum, but it's taken me this long to realize that it's... no, I'm not going to say that it's not an eating disorder because it is. But that this is what's causing the eating disorder, rather than distorted body image or anything like that.

Anyway, I haven't written about it much because I've been avoiding it very much, but my mom isn't doing so hot right now. In addition to psoriatic arthritis (a type of rheumatoid arthritis) she has this thing called trigeminal neuralgia (henceforth referred to as TN) and it's been really kicking her ass. She's constantly in pain and the drugs they're trying her on are having some pretty severe side effects and still not helping with the TN pain.

She's going to consult with a neurosurgeon today, and will probably get a gamma knife procedure done in the near future to try and help with the pain.

It just sucks because I can't do a goddamn thing. If I could drive, I could help, but I can't drive so I'm kind of just useless for anything other than doing chores around the house, organizing, stuff like that. =/

With the gym thing, my trainer... didn't yell at me, but he was very chastizing. Which is good, but he says things like, "Food doesn't have to taste good" and "food is only fuel" and I just feel like that goes so far against my outlook that it's going to be really fucking hard to get over it.

I mean, I love to cook. I really do. I love to make food for other people and play around with it, have fun with recipes. Food is fun; food is social; food is essential. And I understand that I can be on a diet and still cook for others but it just feels like I'm a step separated from the enjoyment and that's going to be a hard thing to get used to.

I guess it just boils down to what do I want: health or food.

So far the answer's always been food. I'm hoping I can slowly change it to health, but I have no delusions that it's going to be easy for me to do. Here's to hoping.

(I feel like my icon right now: Don't look! Just don't look!)

I now belong to a gym and have a trainer. I'm kind of regretting the trainer bit, because I don't really have the money for it, so I'm going to ask him next time I see him (Thursday) if I can go down to two days a week instead of three because I've done the money and I really can't afford it... /sigh

Times like this I wish I were well enough to hold a steady job.