autohaptic

Happiness is! hmm.

Happiness is... sitting on the couch at Mom and Harold's house, listening to the classic rock radio station. It sounds boring, and it can be, but it just makes me feel peaceful inside.

Happiness is being able to talk about this and not get too wrapped up in it and feel depressed. And just, being able to talk about it-- I couldn't/wouldn't, for the longest time, and I feel like I actually can now. That's a step.

I'm probably going to go to Trivia again tonight-- yay! I'm looking forward to it probably far more than I should.

Mom's talk with Gene went really well. He actually said "I have a really big problem" rather than uh-huh and yes-ing his way through the talk just so it can be over. It's a really big step for him, which makes me happy and proud.

I talked in group yesterday; it wasn't bad. My counselor mentioned a possible different diagnosis than bipolar to me, and so I talked about how I have a lot of my identity tied up in bipolar and being bipolar. Ten years of my life-- almost half, at this point in time.

And now it's time for program to start so I must go. Maybe finish thinking on this later.

Happiness is being at the bus stop on time, even if the bus doesn't end up coming on time.

Happiness is my dog finally showing ownership over a toy! She has been disinterested in it for the longest time, but I've been leaving it in her chair and using it to play with her and it looks like the message finally sunk in.

Happiness is Madonna. I love her music so much.


kaigou, just so you know: this journal has very few people who actually read it and as such is kind of my place that I do introspection. The only posts that aren't public are locked for the safety of my family.

More fannish stuff tends to be posted @ LJ, when I bother. Please don't feel obligated to comment on personal blather, though I certainly won't mind. ♥


Playing Fabled II when I can. I think mostly I'm just looking for something to bury myself in that is nice and easy and, most importantly, mindless. I feel kind of bad but then I don't because, hey, I'm not quite as miserable when I bury myself in things.


I think I may end up writing three stories for this week's PS prompt. Oops? I'm nearly finished with the second and already have an idea for the third. (Thanks, TV tropes.)

A question I ran into today when talking to someone: I read tons and tons of fantasy (and I typically love the very high fantasy type stuff-- magic and dragons and so forth) but I write virtually none.

I think part of the reason may be that in my mind, fantasy books need a much larger plot that involves Saving The World and so forth and mostly I write porn. I fluff it up sometimes (Vampire Bunker, Nothing More) but mostly, that's what I want to do and that's what I do best. I just wish there were more of a career in porn-writing; I think at this point I'd happily do it forever if I knew I'd be able to eat and so forth. (Hell, I'll do it forever whether or not I do go on to write things that have outside "literary merit" so that I can write underage and non-con and still get it published. LOL, indecent.)


I'm not doing very well with 6x this week. I skipped meds last night and this morning and feel zero need to do anything I don't really want to do. I'll snap a couple of pics of Crystal Boy before bed, or something.


And last but not least: A certain someone took me off her f-list on DW and on LJ. Mostly I think I feel rage that she waited for so long; I really did harbor some hope that she'd get over her issues. But no matter whether or how much I wanted to apologize, she never gave any indication that she wanted to listen to it. I tried contacting her many times (After ten, I quit counting, because it was too depressing to maintain a number) and she never once replied, even the times I tried to contact her that were in regards to the mutual project.

It makes me think about Lucy, in some ways. I mean, I haven't tried to contact Lucy since I left Boston. I still read her LJ, but I don't want to say anything because I feel like I already asked way more of her than she should have had to do.

Mom and I talked a bit about Lucy this weekend and the end conclusion is the same as before: I don't feel like I am valid in saying "I'm sorry" to her until I can assure her that it'll never happen again. I don't think that apologizing will make us friends again-- it won't, and I'd never require that sort of thing from her at this point because I'd feel too guilty-- but I still want to do it because it's something that I just need to do. Say something on the lines of, "I'm sorry I tried to kill myself. You didn't deserve to be put through that" and leave the rest up to her.

It sucks, though. I keep wanting to comment on her journal-- my new therapist is from south of Boston originally, and was talking about how old man winter was a real son of a bitch in a way that reminded me of the post she linked @ b0st0n. Ah well. A goal to work toward. Everyone needs those, do they not?

Happiness is my dad getting pulled over and NOT getting busted.

Happiness is finding a friend that will buddy with me on a diet/exercise plan. Yaaay @_@;; Now to stick to it.


In other news, thanks to a wanky person at the yaoi community I have learned that I probably have mild dysgraphia. I don't experience pain while writing by hand (Unless I try to write neatly, that is. I do get pain then. ...and I do tend to clench my jaw tightly when writing, which leads to a jaw/head ache, but IDK if that counts) but the characteristics of my handwriting match the characteristics of someone with this learning disorder:
- inappropriately sized and spaced letters
- unfinished letters (I became infamous for this at one job, because I kept writing "not" wings instead of "hot" wings on the orders.)
- inability to stay within the lines of a page
- odd writing grip
- frequent reversal of letter sequences
- talks to self while writing
- general illegibility
- wrong or misspelled words despite thorough instruction

My brain cannot wrap around the correct way to spell some words. I just can't do it, although I do try very hard to remember spelling typically. XD; The sample in the Wikipedia article looks exactly like my handwriting when I'm not particularly concentrating.

I've had enough instruction (it took me a long, long time to learn how to write although I learned to read very quickly) that I can write in my own style and usually read it, but it's interesting to have reason why it's that way, finally.

Happiness is working on a new idea, in a fic. Orignal fic. Whee!

Happiness is reading Veda's Neil/Tieria fics, because she writes them so well that you always just ache with them. Yummy.

I was going to have today's happiness be having the time/freedom to sit on the couch and watch White Collar and Law and Order: SVU all day long, but I feel bad for that because Mom was all "You're just sitting there???" and so that kind of ruined it for me.

Happiness is daddy calling me up to tell me he's looking for a motorcycle for me on craigslist. Even if he doesn't want to buy one with more than a 300cc engine, he's still looking for one and I assume going to pay for it too since I sure as fuck don't have any money. So, yay! Beggars can't be choosers, and all that.