A Little Bit Evil

I've just renewed my premium paid account, so I should probably start using this thing again 😂 So starting with a little check-in of what's been filling my brain lately: books, tennis, studying, and small bits of everyday joy.

So I have chronic insomnia, right? It’s pretty normal for me to still be awake at 2, 3 in the morning. 

(so for this - where it says 'this year', I'm meaning '2025, and I'm doing all of the questions just for what I posted in 2025, rather than all time)

How many words have you written this year? I have written 159,573 words in 2025, which is absolutely fucking insane to me. It's also the second year running that I've hit my GYWO goal and I'm honestly completely blown away!

How many works did you publish this year? 59, which... have I mentioned just seems batshit? 3 Stargate SG-1 and 56 tennis RPF

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? There's a handful of them, and I can't pick.
It’ll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar which was some Jannik hurt/comfort that started with him collapsing and coughing up blood on Wimbledon Centre Court.
Surface Tension which is a kind of gothic horror series revolving around the use of magic in the tennis world. It mostly centres on one of Jannik's coaches, and how the spells he casts interact with different surfaces, all of which have their own unique magical properties.
The Courage of my Convictions which is an basically a queer second-chance age gap small town/coffee shop forbidden romance between an injured tennis player with his tail between his legs, and an ex-tennis player who became a priest (instead of, as per the real world, where he became a coach. I may have a thing for coach/player LOL)

What work of yours has the most hits? With 2809 hits, it was In The Heat Of Your Electric Touch A Sincaraz pwp with some somnophilia and praise kink.

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected? Probably You had to fight to have the upper hand which was a Darren/Jannik (age gap, coach/player) power play BDSM fic. It's a little over 10k, involves discovery of a kink, a lot of 'we shouldn't be doing this', getting into Jannik's head as he tries to figure out WTF he's feeling. I did not expect anyone to even read this so I was fucking delighted that people did. And apparently liked it.

Favourite title you used Ooh that's a tough one. So nearly all my titles are Taylor Swift lyrics, and it's kind of become a fun game for me to now to try to find the lyric that fits. I've got some fic titles that wouldn't look out of place as a Fall Out Boy song title ;) But I don't know if I have a specific favourite

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most? See above

Pairing you wrote the most for this year? This I did not expect actually - I wrote 13 Darren/Jannik

Favourite pairing you wrote for this year? Oooh honestly, I'm really taken with my Team Sinner polycule fic, with the varying combinations of Darren/Jannik/Simone

What work was the quickest to write? I think it was probably Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you - that was written in an afternoon, and is based on a super cute fanart that someone posted

What work took you the longest to write? Of the completed fics, You had to fight to have the upper hand. It took about 4-5 months, but the editing was the longest bit - I'd written myself around in circles a little bit and had to unpick it
Of the WIPs? The Courage of my Convictions which I started in March and I'm 9 chapters/17k into so far and still going

How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year? That's never worth asking. Never. I don't want to know. 175, give or take

What’s your longest work of the year? Currently at 17,455 words is   The Courage of my Convictions

What’s your shortest work of the year? At just 427 words, its hear my voice in the dark which is just some Sincaraz fluff

What WIP are you taking into next year with you? I have 6 work in progress that I'm actively working on
The Courage of my Convictions
Dancing is a Dangerous Game or... the one where Simone is Immortal, Highlander style
I Had the Time of My Life Fighting Dragons With You which is Sincaraz as feuding booktubers
Surface Tension
Wolf-Tethered a Darren/Simone shifter AU
You wouldn’t take my word for it if you knew who was talking a Darren/mystery online Dom fic, mostly done in chatroom log style

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag? Established Relationship with 21 fics

Your favourite character to write this year? Not to be incredibly cliché, but probably Jannik

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year? Carlos. Every time I think I've got a handle on him, we learn something new about him which just completely changes how I look at him.

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year? There is a lovely... something... going on between Priscilla Hon, Karolina Muchova and Amanda Anisimova which absolutely intrigues me and Bob! is pondering in the background

Which work of yours have you reread the most? Honestly, most of the Darren/Jannik stuff because they're my 🧡 and until like November no-one else had written any!

How many kudos in total did you get this year? 2,939 and that just feels fucking fantastic, not gonna lie. OMG!

Which work has the most comments? My... uhh... omegaverse crackfic written in the style of a serious anthropological paper A Field Guide to the Sinner Pack

Did you do any collaborative works this year? No, I'm very much a solo llama when it comes to writing

Did you write any gifts this year? Nope, not this year

Did you receive any gifts this year? Nope. I didn't take part in any of the exchanges that happened

What’s your most common category? We're all utterly shocked that it was m/m I'm sure

What do you listen to while writing? Anything, everything and nothing, and also all the things. Plus Bob!. And tennis. Generally not nothing. Just whatever's on at the point when I start writing.

Favourite work you wrote this year? I... don't know that I can pick? Probably Surface Tension or The Courage of my Convictions

Favourite line/passage you wrote this year? Oooh there's a lot of lines about the magical properties of the surfaces in the various Surface Tension fics but there's this one passage from Dancing Is A Dangerous Game which I so fucking love:

Jannik takes another breath, unsteady. “How old is he?”

A floorboard creaks, then a voice answers from the doorway.

“Three hundred and forty-six,” Simone says, his tone bone-dry.

Silence.

Jannik blinks.

“Years,” Simone clarifies, as if that helps. “Give or take a few birthdays. I’ve stopped counting.”

Biggest surprise while writing this year? That as much as I really fucking love getting comments and hits and kudos, and we always say that we write for ourselves... this year I've discovered that no, I do actually mean it. I could easily have sat here and cranked out Sincaraz PWP after Sincaraz PWP for the love, but I've settled down and written plotty AU fic that not many people are reading - specifically the magic series sadly - but I'm still going because I've got this story I want to tell and I'm really enjoying writing it

A weekly dose of fandom + life: books I’m devouring, fics I’m flinging into the void, tournaments I’m staying up too late for, and whatever else my brain is hyperfixating on.

I finally finished False Value this weekend (!!) and immediately buried myself under another stack of books, because apparently my brain only wants cosy-but-magic right now. Currently juggling Ministry of Time, What Abigail Did That Summer, Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches, and The Lamplighter’s Bookshop. Secret societies and spellwork everywhere, and honestly? Not mad about it.

My soundtrack has been equally dramatic. Top track of the week? John Williams’ Theme from Superman. Peak soaring instrumental, familiar enough to wrap around you but never demanding too much attention - perfect when I’m restless but trying to focus.

(Also: NEW TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM SOON. Brain not ready, heart even less ready.)

Meanwhile in tennis land… Cincinnati was ridiculous in the best way. Players have been dying from the heat (like 90 degrees and 60% humidity). We've had a power outage because a generator blew up from the heat. We've had matches with an almost 3-hour rain delay. We've had malfunctioning LED boards and fire alarms going off in the middle of matches.

AND WE'RE GETTING ANOTHER SINCARAZ FINAL TONIGHT

Add in the Sumter (Mattia Bellucci won! His first title in over a year!), Cancun and Todi Challengers running across wild time zones, plus Winston-Salem and Cleveland, and USO qualies kicking off this week... I've been putting my insomnia to good use - if I can't sleep, I might as well enjoy the bopbopsqueak

Oh, and we've added a new player to the harem. His name's Terence Atmane, he's French, but we won't hold it against him. He's a lefty, he's a huge server, and he's a complete fucking nerd who has an IQ of 158 and one of the largest Pokemon card collections in France. He also gave Jannik a Pikachu card for his birthday

Writing-wise, I don’t know what got into me - except maybe I do. Fic's been my safe place while my brain’s been doing the insomnia/anxiety/ADHD/depression shuffle, and suddenly three stories fell out in one week. moments we stole on begged and borrowed time (Darren loans Jannik to Juan Carlos for the night with the immortal condition “fucked out but soft”), They strike to kill and you know I will (so maybe “Killer” wasn’t just a funny nickname after all), and part 4 of the dark magic Darren AU Surface Tension, Ashes & Dust (Roland-Garros never forgets what you feed it, and Darren Cahill knows that a little too well). Honestly? Three completely different vibes, but they’ve all been keeping me tethered.

Outside of fic and tennis brain, I’ve been oscillating wildly between ( Darren with a puppy )

(good, adorable, serotonin)” and “the endless insomnia/anxiety/ADHD/depression cycle (bad, no serotonin).” This week’s plans include calling the doctor, fixing my clothing storage situation, and hopefully working up to actually leaving the house. Agoraphobia continues to be the worst doubles partner.

Feeling-wise, it’s a mix of chaos and glee and exhaustion. Sometimes everything feels like Too Much, and then fic or tennis or a kind comment reminds me there are still bright little things to hold onto.

That’s it for this week’s chaos - tune in next Monday for more books, fic, tennis, and brain gremlins.

The emotional rollercoaster of ADHD, now featuring Jannik Sinner

I’ve loved tennis for as long as I can remember. I was a kid when Boris Becker won Wimbledon for the first time, and I still remember the shock and thrill of it. Every summer, I’d watch the big tournaments—Wimbledon, the US Open—cheering for favourites, crying over finals, holding my breath through tiebreaks. Tennis has always been there in the background of my life.

But this past year? Something changed. I didn’t just watch the tournaments. I tripped and fell face-first into the tennis rabbit hole, and my ADHD brain never looked back.

Suddenly I wasn’t just watching finals—I was streaming early-round matches from obscure courts in the middle of the night. I was memorising ranking points, tracking players through Challenger events, and refreshing draw sheets like it was my job. What had been a familiar hobby became a full-blown hyperfixation.

And honestly? It makes perfect sense. Because tennis, as a sport, is practically tailor-made for the ADHD brain.

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🧠 The ADHD Brain Craves Chaos (And Tennis Delivers)

People talk about ADHD like it’s a lack of attention—but really, it’s an avalanche of attention. A constant, restless hunger for stimulation. We don’t just want something to focus on—we want everything, all at once, right now.

Tennis is perfect for that. It’s always moving. Always shifting. There’s no off-season, just a weekly churn of tournaments: new cities, new surfaces, new stories. Matches run almost 24/7, thanks to international time zones and overlapping events. And my brain absolutely eats it up.

Some days I feel like I’m conducting an entire symphony of tennis in the background of my life. I’ve got live scores on the BBC site permanently open. I’m lurking in Discord servers, scrolling Tumblr, catching up on fan analysis, watching streams on one screen while doing something completely unrelated on another. If I can’t watch, I’ll listen—commentary in my ears while I work, drive, cook. I always want to know what’s happening, who’s playing, and what it means for the rankings.

And I’ve had so many favourite players over the years. McEnroe, Becker, Agassi, Hewitt, Ferrero, Ferrer, Henman, Rusedski, Nadal... names that marked different eras of my life. Right now? It’s Jannik Sinner. I’m a little bit feral about him, if I’m honest. His calm intensity, the way he’s grown, the narrative of it all. My brain has fully latched on.

Hyperfixation means I don’t just enjoy tennis—I need it. I collect every detail, chase every stat, build an emotional attachment to players’ arcs like they’re characters in an epic novel. I cheer like a maniac. I grieve their losses like personal heartbreaks. It’s deeply immersive, and deeply ADHD.

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💥 The Joy of Feeling Everything

One of the secret superpowers of ADHD is intensity. When we love something, we love it big. It’s not casual; it’s not background noise. It’s a full-body, full-brain experience. And with tennis, that intensity finds the perfect outlet.

I get emotionally attached to players like they’re old friends. I follow their arcs, their interviews, their off-court stories. I root for the underdogs, the veterans on a comeback, the teenagers making their first deep run. I feel the drama of a five-setter in my bones. I get actual adrenaline spikes during match points. Sometimes I have to pause matches to pace around the room like a sports parent at a school final.

Tennis gives me endless narratives to invest in—rivalries, redemption stories, unexpected breakthroughs. And the sport’s natural unpredictability? Chef’s kiss. My ADHD brain thrives on that kind of emotional volatility. It's dopamine with a scoreboard.

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🌀 …But Also, It Can Get a Bit Much

Of course, the flip side of hyperfixation is that it’s not always healthy. ADHD doesn’t really come with a dimmer switch. When I’m in it, I’m all in. And sometimes, that means I burn out.

I’ll watch twelve/thirteen hours of matches in a day (first day of Wimbledon there were TWENTY SEVEN matches I wanted to watch), forget to eat lunch, and then feel completely wiped out with post-slam emptiness when it’s all over. I’ll refresh pages and track rankings like my mood depends on it—and sometimes, it kind of does. There are days when I realise I haven’t listened to music or read a book in weeks because all my spare time is going to livestreams, stats, and press conference clips.

And when a favourite player loses—especially if it’s early, or unexpected—it can hit harder than it should. It feels silly sometimes, getting so upset about a sport. But hyperfixation doesn’t really care what’s “rational.” It’s real. The emotions are real.

There’s also the ADHD guilt loop: the moment I step back and go, Should I be this obsessed? Should I be more balanced? Should I care less? The truth is, I don’t always want to care less. But I do try to remind myself to pause. To breathe. To let myself step away when I need to. Because I know the cycle by now: fixation, immersion, burnout, reset.

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💛 Letting It Matter

I’ve learned not to fight it anymore—this way my brain grabs hold of things and refuses to let go. My ADHD doesn’t always play by the rules, but it’s not broken. It’s wired for passion. For deep dives. For connection.

Tennis gives me structure and chaos at the same time. A rhythm that’s always changing. A story that’s never finished. It gives my brain something to build with—facts, feelings, routines, predictions. It’s comfort. It’s stimulation. It’s joy.

Yes, sometimes I have to pull back. Sometimes I have to take a breath and remind myself I don’t need to follow every match or know every stat. But other times? I lean in. I let myself feel it all. The wins, the losses, the late-night streams. The Tumblr memes and score-watching tabs and yelling into the void with strangers on Discord.

Because in a world that often tells neurodivergent people to be less, to be quieter, calmer, more contained—hyperfixation can feel like resistance. Like claiming joy on our own terms.

So yes, I am currently obsessed with Jannik Sinner. Yes, I do keep live scores open while working. Yes, I cry over matches and scream over fifth sets and watch tennis like it’s the greatest drama ever written.

And honestly?

It kind of is.

So Darren posts his Wimbledon photo dump, right? Perfectly normal, very expected. There’s Jannik kissing the trophy, there’s the on-court hugs, the celebrations, the team somewhat drunk on champagne - clean, tidy, emotional but, like, manageable.

And then.
And then.


( ...there’s more... )

darren cahill what the hell?!

• Jannik in the ice bath, grinning like he just won “most adorable glacier,”


• SIMONE in the background, shirtless and smug and looking absolutely incredible (I'm slowly winning people over to the Simone love and this is definitely helping!)


• full team garden party energy with shirtless Europeans melting in the heatwave, empty beer bottles, and one (1) fully clothed Australian man in the corner like, “I’m too sun-safe for this chaos,”


• and finally, the coup de grâce: Jannik curled up asleep on the couch like a feral little nap prince while Darren sits next to him grinning like he didn’t just send us into a spiral.

AND ANOTHER THING.

Did anyone else clock that every framed photo above Sleeping Jannik™ is of Darren himself at Wimbledon?? Like. Sir. You’re napping under your mentor’s greatest hits montage (LMAO). How am I supposed to focus. How is this not already the opening scene of a slow-burn, emotionally tender polyfic. (spoiler alert: it is!) I am hanging on by a thread.

Anyway I am once again asking Darren Cahill to stop feeding my packfic/polycule brain like this. Or don’t. Honestly, don’t. I am thriving. I am spiralling. It’s fine.

...that said, we really do need to talk about the conspicuous lack of mostly-naked Darren.
Feels targeted. Feels cruel. Feels like censorship.

This post brought to you by: emotional damage, shirtless Europeans, and Darren Cahill’s ongoing refusal to take his damn shirt off.
Shirtless Simone: ✅
Ice bath Jannik: ✅
Mostly-naked Darren: ❌ and I am formally filing a complaint.

I... am still processing that Sinner v Dimitrov match. My heart is breaking for Grigor and no lie when he went down clutching his chest, both Li and I thought for a horrible horrible moment that he was having a fucking heart attack.

Genuinely thought he was gonna beat Jannik. And I was fucking gutted for that. But that is nothing like where I expected that match to go. Poor Grisha 😭

✨glimmers and good things – day 5 ✨
three tiny joys, glimmers, or moments of soft comfort from today

💇‍♀️ I received some really lovely comments about my hair today - it felt nice to be seen like that.

💌 A friend was at the Sinner v Dimitrov game, and sent me a gorgeous pic of Darren & Simone they took because they knew I’d love it - such a thoughtful surprise.

🥪 Made myself a thunder & lightning sandwich with clotted cream from the fridge - simple, indulgent, and exactly what I needed.

That’s me for today. If you feel like sharing your glimmers, I’d love to read them 💛
Be gentle with yourself, especially if the good things were hard to find.

Challenge #2
Journaling: The romance of summer! What do you love? Write about anything you feel sentimental about or that gets your heart pumping.

☀️ The Romance of Summer: A Love Letter to Tennis
When I saw the prompt What do you love? My first instinct was to be clever. Say something seasonal and tidy. Ice lollies. Sea air. The feeling of sunlight on your knees through the window. But the real answer is louder and messier and always true:

I love tennis.

Not just in summer. All year round. In slow January slogs and awkward 4 a.m. matches because they're in Australia. In rain delays and early exits. But in summer, on the clay at Roland Garros, on the grass at Wimbledon, it blooms. Everything gets bigger. Brighter. Louder. The highs hit higher. The heartbreaks sting sharper.

I love the weird rhythm of a tennis summer. The shift from clay to grass. The way I measure time by who’s still standing on a Friday afternoon. I love the ritual of it: cold drinks, strawberries & cream & prosecco, the particular way sunlight falls across the floor during a 5-setter I wasn’t planning to get invested in. I love the commentary, the chaos, and the wild narratives we build between matches. I love players who break my heart and players I can’t stop watching.

I love how tennis reminds me I still feel things at full volume. That I can cry over a match I knew they were going to lose. That I can believe, right until match point, that maybe this time it’ll be different.

Tennis is stupid and beautiful and exhausting and sometimes the only thing that cuts through the fog in my brain.

It doesn't always love me back. It overwhelms me. It distracts me. It makes me anxious and angry and euphoric and sleepless. But every season, every surface, I come back. I love it wildly. I love it anyway.

Every summer, I fall in love with it again. Even when I swear I won’t.

We are coming up to the point in the year where I usually post a warning that we are coming into the two weeks of the year where I get very excited about the sportsball...

...except, I don't know if you've noticed at all over the last year...

... but I haven't exactly *stopped* being very excited about the sportsball. At All.

I keep most of my squee and ramblings to my tennisblr but you can absolutely feel free to come friend me over there, should you wish to experience the full impact.

So. Um. FORZA JANNIK! 🧡🎾🦊😁