xlovexyourxhate

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mood

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painful and rejected

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Name: Bryan
Age: 17
Location: Monroe, New York

Ok so why I joined. Well first someone I know reccomended this community. Secondly I do suffer from well what I'd consider intense internal pain. I get to the point where I'm like flipping out in my room. I don't cut myself nor would I consider myself at great risk for suicide, though I do threaten it a lot, my guess is as a sort of defense mechanism. Yeah I know that's wrong but that's why I'm here, to try and get over the shit that bogs me down in life. I tend to get apathetic a lot. I also tend to look down on myself. My friends keep telling me I should love myself... I just don't know how to do that. If I ever have loved myself it was a long time ago and forgotten about. This person I know though seems intent on wanting me to love myself, and I thought it'd be nice to see if I can love myself. I don't have many friends and most of the ones I do have aren't very good friends. No one really understands me. I think there was only one person who ever did but she's gone, not dead but just gone. I guess on the flip side I've never really understood anyone else. I mean I've tried to, but never have, infact the more I tried the worse I made things. I suppose though you can't really understand others when you don't truly understand yourself. I suppose it's kind of cheesey to say that but it's true. I sometimes just sit and wonder about myself. Well I don't know if it will but hopefully this place can help me out. Thanks for listening to my rantings.

lintu_seth

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mood

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sleepy

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Hello- I guess I will put up a little introduction before I head outside.

Name: Lintu Seth (pen)
age- 19
dob- 6.11.85
scars- too many under too much cover up. heh.

I really dun know what to day really, I was browsing communities in hopes to find one to help me cope with all this... shit... in my head, in my heart on my soul... I mean I dont want to sound trite with "oh im hurt, i need help" but basically that is how it is right now.

everyone says ive been through a lot in my life, but i never saw it that way, and i never would have seen it that way if my psychologist didnt point it out. Now that he has, it feels like all the scabs and all the cover up has been ripped away and it left me standing there more vunerable then ive ever felt, and i did my best to throw the walls back up, to cover everything up again... but i saw it all, i know its there, and i dont understand any of it...

Im just hoping that i can find help, or at least some good advise to help or point me in the right direction.

So hello.

justdonno

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mood

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distressed

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oh yes
first real post

its long
not necessary to read
sorry its so long
usually don't write much



not a good week
so my best friend...i guess i could call her that
sux
hurting herself and everyone around her
really bad situation, lose lose for everyone
not about that, that's been fucking with my brain for months now
but whatever we got in a fight yesterday
she is pyscotic when it comes to plans and time, when you say i'll see you in 3 minutes, has to actualy be 3 minutes
so last week we made plans to go to roosevelt mall, big mall, far away, she intiatied the idea i finalized it. we decided on sat ->yesterday
friday night i told her since i was babysitting we should go early so we can have enough time so i'd call her at 12:30 to leave.
she said ok
i called her at 12:30, she said she had too much work to do, couldn't go, told me to go
with karin and dahna, she cancelled on me, she didn't get her shit together in time.
so i said fine, i called karin and dahna and dahna was like wait amanda isn't coming, isn't she going to be upset. (we walk on eggshells around her because the drop of a pin sets her off, everyone is afraid of her at this point.) i said no, i called her, she cancelled on me, told me to go. i called her back to tell her i was leaving and shes sure she couldn't go and she started guilt tripping me. "fine i guess you guys don't want to wait for me"
where the fuck did that come from
she cancelled, told me to go
we couldnt wait, had time constraints.
i always feel guitly about things i shouldn't
always
don't need to guilt trip me
bad guilt trip, pretty much saying i'm a horrible person, bad friend and am being mean for no reason. for going to the mall. continuing already set plans.
and she knows this
doesn't anywaya nd i feel twice as bad
this is how i am, people treat me like shit, i assume responsibility, i don't stand up for myself otherwise i feel bad, like i'm hurting the person, and than everyone pretends nothing happened the next day.
i know thats retarded
i stood up for myself
told her what i felt and why i felt it
and now shes the victim, in tears, and i should apologize, i'm retarded for not knowing what i did wrong, she did nothing wrong, everyone hates her, the world is against her so on and so forth

i'm sorry that the time i decided not to sabotage myself, not to completley disrespect myself, that it involved her
and it makes it worse because my reasons for not doing the above things because i always worry that i'm just adding my insignifacnt problems to their already growing load. that i can get over it and it doesn't really matter. so people contine to walk over me and i let them because i don't think anyone deserves to be upset, even if they treat me like shit.
and my friends always tell me i'm ebing stupid with that
and than she does all the things i fear that people will do if i stand up for myself.
she tells me that i used to be the one thing that wasn't wrong, and now i'm a part of the problem
that i'm really mean, and a bad person
all the things i feared a person would say
those exact words
which i though were delusion
are true

she doesn't understand how much shes fucking up my steps to make my brian less stupid.
with every one step i try to take with ymself, shes pushes me down 2 flights of stairs.

theres no talking to her
no reasoning
she's completly skewed in every way
even with compliments she takes it as an insult and gets defensive.
how can you talk to a person and get anything solved if instead of listening to you, they get stuck on the small unimportant(is that a word?) details and blocks everything else out.
i jsut can't talk to her
she doesn't understand how many flights of stairs she pushed me down
i never confront my problems
i never go to people to talk about ymself
i always feared their reaction
she has the reaction i fear in people.

she should understand
she;s my best friend
was my best friend
how can i be her friend
when she fucks up everything
she blames everything wrong in her life on everyone else
she blames dahna, who than believes her even if it doesn't involve her, because dahna is like that
she knows dahna is like that, thats why she does it
shes so manipulative.
everything she does is a lie
a front
she creates this image of herself that she controls and no one is allowed to see another side of her
i see it.
thats why she hates pictures of her self
even though shes gorgeous
even tho she gets 'discovered' by modeling agents almost everytime we go out
because its not something she can control
she didn't take the picture
its tnot the her she wants to give out.

she went into my digital camera a deleted pictures of herself without telling me
figured i wouldn't notice
thats like going into my room, stealing a destroying one of my painting
thinking to get away with it
how am i friends with that?

why am i still trying to be friends with her?
why am i still making this effort to have her like me?

all she does is hurt everyone
i'm revolted by her


that was a long entry
sorry for that
really bad mood.
and is houldn;t be
got back from comdey club
with her of course.


fuck.

justdonno

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mood

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shitty

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hello
i'm new
this is my 'side' livejournal, my other is dotfrink which i share with 2others
i need the connectionless talk
people always get scared when i hintat what goes on in my head
when some of my immense unhappiness slips through the cracks
i repress so much, that i cant even control it anymore
its no longer a conscious decision
when i'm overwhelmed, for a week or so my dotfrink entries get bad, and than im back to bullshit
so justdonno was intended for private use
but input is nice
not even input, i feel like if its read, i'm semi-expressing myself
but how can it get read if my friends can't know about it?
so here i am

name:jessica
i'll be 18 next week
going to go to university of new paltz
major-art education
i would go insane without art and music

so there's my intro
have fun with that.

hushchild

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mood

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exhausted

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Hello.
I used to cut. I still consider myself a cutter as I often do have strong temptations and I consider it a part of who I am. However I'm working on getting through each day without another scar, just taking it day by day instead of "I'm never cutting again, ever." That's simply too daunting. Not to sound rude, but I'm only joining this community for this one post (and possibly a comment here and there), simply because I find if I visit communities like these continually it's triggering. I do admit that I am involved in another type of self-injury currently: salt/ice. However, I don't find it as addicting, merely a way to resolve my stronger urges to cut.

Anyway, for my Psychology class I am doing a research paper on Self-Injury. If any of you would care to share your story, why you cut, what triggers you, what you gain from it, anything, please do right here as a comment. Any quotations I use will either be made anonymous, a fake name, or your real name- depending on your choice, so do choose! I would really appreciate it, and in the process I hope it gives you all some things to think about, digging a little deeper beyond skin and blood, to what's really the issue here. I love you all, I don't care that you're strangers to me, you're still human and sharing space and breath and time and secrets and fighting this life. XOXO and thank you in advance.

Bethany

PS; This will be x-posted to other SI communities, sorry for littering your friends pages.

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mood

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depressed

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I've been wanting to talk with people about my pain and stuggels. My life isn't as bad as somepeople's, but I am still suffering. There is so much pain this world inflicts.

Or is it all in our heads? Has our view on life been placed there by a dark media obsessed with coverage of war, starvation, persecution, and other depressing imperfections??

My aim is to recover from the pain which lies within me, to find my purpose, an understand the world in which we live in.

I could just have anxiety with depression. I certainly suffer from depression. I've become such a pill popper. Drugs (medication) have become my method of coping. "I feel shitty. I'll take a pill!"

I've put all my current tears & worries in my journal. Help yourself to private things.

tragicdeath519

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annoyed

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Okay, while I'm glad that you all have joined and are sharing your communities and all, I would like you to make vaid posts otherthan jsut spamming your sites. Please post something other than your community. If not, I'll have to disable you from my community. I want to reach out and help, but I don't go posting internal_pains in my SI help communities. Unless you have valid post, DO NOT post your communities. I repeat, DO NOT JUST USE THIS PLACE TO ATTRACT VISITORS TO YOUR COMMUNITY, OR I WILL DO IT TO YOURS. Thank you,

-TragicDeath519

tragicdeath519

Welcome. Know that everyone who joins here is in this to help each other. You can say anything, we'll all listen. If you're a self-injurer, or a "cutter", here are a few sites that might help you.

http://www.psyke.org/
http://www.si-am.info/

http://www.self-injury.net/

Please share with us anything that you wish to talk about. This is a place to help.