Memories of Sand

Once upon a time, I couldn't imagine myself ever not checking my happy-social-media places, which included Dreamwidth for years. Can I blame Cymbalta for this? I've been blaming Cymbalta, which is an antidepressant medication, for a lot of my recent brain problems. Right now I'm blaming it for the most hellish withdrawal, which has stopped me from discontinuing using it. I wanted to discontinue using it because I haven't been able to focus like I like to in months.

It's just really hard for me to accept that I haven't checked in in months, because that's another thing that I used to have purely for me that's been taken away.

I'm doing my best to cope and continue with school, so all of my energy is going toward staying afloat, and I am! Just about. I can't wait to get this drug out of my system so I can focus again.

Firefox is dying right now. I will try to post again when I'm caught up from waiting for it to load.

Um, hi, Dreamwidth! I clearly needed a break, and honestly still do need to give myself a break to feel and heal. I finished my finals just over a week ago and am now debating how much I want to throw my contracts book to the wolves or if I'll do some more revising of my notes. Probably I need to throw it to the wolves and think about law again after a week of rest. This week has not been very restful: lots of drama in family news, lots of soaking up sun, not a lot of writing in my journal and figuring myself out. Which is going to be more important than ever.

Healing and restorative journal-writing are on my mind lately. I'm too scared to do the work, but it's going to consume me soon if I don't. There's still so much trauma to unpack so that I can give of myself. I'm giving and serving all the time without allowing myself the time I need to process what I need to.

So. That's what I'm thinking about. Gonna go catch up on some comments, entries, and oh yeah, that agenda I'm procrastinating on preparing.

I think I've been overdoing it (as usual), and I need to honor my need to limit my sensory input more. Granted, that contradicts everything people keep telling me I need to do to Be Successful™, but agh, I also need to be functional. Tricky balance is tricky.

It looks gorgeous outside, and I've been keeping myself indoors trying to revise a paper, but really I just want to play with my Tarot cards, write in my journal, and sit outside. I told myself I can't do those things until my friend invites me over to her house, but knowing I'll do those things later doesn't make focusing any easier.

I also need to email a doctor. Really, there are plenty of things I need to do and my brain is not here, and I have a lot scheduled yet. Bah! I just want to go watch the plants grow!

Speaking of plants, I should cut some chives and bring them in. That is definitely something that won't take long and I can go outside for a moment! Yeah! Then I'll bring up my laundry and make my bed and see if I can focus better later. Pain levels aren't helping either, bah.

Really unsure how to do all the other things I'm supposed to do in the next 1.5 hours. Can't seem to focus because of pain.

I successfully got up and went to the doctor to talk about my heart rate and whether the calcium blocker is working. (Result: Eh, we're not sure, fiddle with it a bit, see if changing it up does anything. Also let's try anti-migraine injections, and oh yes, if the injections work, please stockpile them. My doctor literally told me to stockpile this medication if it works. Here we are, then.)

Now I have reading to catch up on and two assignments to write which shouldn't be hard but I feel like I'm going to fail at everything today. *sigh* I don't know where this feeling is coming from except maybe the grey weather. It's reinforcing the heartsickness of last week: record-breaking high temperatures and rain instead of snow (in February!).

I really ought to meditate today, since I'm at home and able to sit quietly. Although I'm having a massage later today, which is sort of a meditation as well.

What I really, really ought to do is finish these writing assignments.

I've been really stressed about understanding all of the reading for the week, but that's not really fair on me. I've had so many classes lately where the professor is trying so hard to get answers from the other students and I'm just sitting there bored. So maybe I need to give myself a break, since I am getting it. I just need to review more to keep things in my mind.

Anyway, I had better get moving. I'll check in an all ya'll later.

How fun and useful and great! /sarcasm I'm trying to wake up and get out of bed and go to my desk where I have a set up of computer, external hard drive, printer, and sun lamp hooked up into a surge protector which I am unfortunately plugging into an ungrounded outlet with a grounding adapter. Point of going to my desk in the morning is using the sun lamp as soon as I get up, so I might drink tea and do stuff there. This morning I got up and of course the outlet is not responding. I don't have many grounded outlets in my apartment, which I had hoped would be a problem I could solve another time. Now I appear to have blown out the outlet, and also my gas company still doesn't have me set up as the correct recipient of the gas bills, and I don't understand how my electricity bills are as high as they are. I think I may need to call my electricity company to make sure that I am paying for the right account with them, which sucks. After changing everything around to try to get 45 minutes with the sun lamp, I spent another twenty minutes on the phone with the gas company, though this time I finally talked to a competent person who knew how things work, I think.

Then doctor appointment and a meeting to talk about duties for the next year with my new co-chair for my committee. Also, school tomorrow is going to be incredibly confusing and also I have a committee meeting in the evening. My birthday is Thursday and I am feeling quite overwhelmed by life right now.

I've started watching Supergirl in an effort to find more things to watch that aren't Super Dramatic and I'm liking it a lot so far. Also also I'm gonna go see Sailor Moon R this afternoon to try to lighten my mood.

I have got to get more work done. I am feeling really sluggish. Gotta get things done though...

Spring semester starts tomorrow, Day of Doom is Friday, and my birthday is a week later on Thursday again. I feel incredibly grateful and lucky that I have the friends that I do; I put up a note on Facebook asking (sort of) if anyone wanted to celebrate the victory that I've been around another year, and a friend has offered to host a party for me and has emailed me an invitation to send to whomever I want. So my Facebook post was a success and I am so, so glad that I have the community that I have.

(Of course, the ex that I want nothing to do with, saw my FB post as well and has sent me a message asking if we can hang out and I just. Need to figure out a polite-but-firm way to say "Nope." I'm thinking something like: "Hi , I'm sorry, I'm not interested in hanging out with you one-on-one. Wishing you lots of success, and I'm sure I'll see you at some environmental actions in the future." What do you think?)

I did better last semester than I thought I would! *throws confetti* After making a big mistake on one of my exams, I was pretty sure I wouldn't do that well, but...! I covered so much ground in the first few questions that I managed to overcome my mistake, apparently. And it was criminal law, which I have no interest in whatsoever, so I am very glad there's no chance I'll need to re-take it. I did really like my professor in that class, though!

I still haven't done all of my homework for tomorrow or Friday yet, and I'm a little bit nervous about my time management skills. I've spent a lot more of the past few days cleaning my home and putting things up and mostly trying to feel like this is my home. And I've had a lot of cooking to do to make sure that I don't have to worry about food over the next few days. It all just keeps piling up though. I really, really hope that I manage to keep myself eating well throughout the semester, and cleaning my apartment regularly. I think those things would help with a lot of my stress and hopefully with my pain and inflammation as well.

Cross your fingers for me... Now to read a few of your entries.

Apparently I am also getting a rather sizable amount of my deposit back, which is reassuring, considering how much I've eaten out in the last week. Feeding myself has been difficult.

One extra-good thing about no longer moving things is that at the moment I must take extra care with my body. Of course I barely make it through two weeks of school before catching a cold. My body thought I needed a reminder that I'm disabled and immunocompromised? I hate this. I hate it so much. I feel like I've barely started with my life and already I have to stay in bed. It's frustrating.

So today I got home from class and slept almost three hours. I'll be going to bed four hours after I woke up from that. I took a bath with good bath salts and lavender oil, ate, now I'll wash the dishes so that that doesn't pile up and make it harder to get better. I really do feel like it's that much harder to get better when my environment is festering as well.

Concentrating. Apparently a thing I can't do right now. Time for some more sleep, then, to help my body get better.

Elderly coworker: You know, I have to figure out how to take time off in January and February; I'm having cataracts surgery. You have to do one eye and then the other, so I have one in Jan. and one on Feb. 2nd, and I'm not sure if HR would want me to take all that time off or how she wants me to do it...
Me: Huh, funny, I am also having a surgery on Feb. 2nd. [Note: Date may be changed depending on maternal availability, we just made sure to have a date set to start with.]
Coworker: Oh really, what are you having surgery for? [Note the 2nd: I appear very young to elderly coworkers, who usually guess I'm late teens/early 20s... I guess I'm a super competent late teens and early 20s? WHY do they keep making me responsible for things? I don't wannnnnaaaa /vent. I also appear female.]
Me: Uh, right, that I am not willing to discuss. [goes back to other part of conversation] [Thinking: wait is it actually okay for people to just be all "OH COOL YOU'RE HAVING SURGERY TOO WHAT ARE YOU HAVING DONE?" Medical stuff isn't private?]
Coworker, a bit affronted: Oh... well, sounds serious. I wish you well.

I am sort of bewildered but also happy that I realized in time that just because I can mention I'm having a surgery does NOT mean that I have to disclose what it is, go me and recognizing my boundaries and respecting them! But also elderly coworkers who think everyone shares everything. And that I'm 19 or something. I'm turning 27 in January. Wasn't I supposed to have my life figured out by now? FUCK.

(I'm also annoyed because I can't share amusing anecdotes like this on Facebook because then my parents' friends and my aunt would freak out and then GO TO MY PARENTS to find out what's going on. Some of those people I would be fine telling them what's going on, some I would not - but don't put my parents in that position of being the person to decide whether to share what's going on with ME. That my aunt did that once especially aggravated me, as we do keep in touch and talk on the phone as often as we can. I guess I see Facebook as a place to share some stories, especially about the things I have a handle on, so if it's on Facebook I usually know how to handle it. It's not a crisis, so don't freak out about something offhand and talk to ME because I am likely to have a good answer.)

(Well, that parenthetical happened.)