"There · are · so · many · things · we'd · like · to · have · but · we · just · cannot · hold." · -
Z. Deschanel
 |
|
When I broke down, and started calling him silly names again. He had to insult my effort of not leaving things in the past. What ive been tryin so hard to do so very much for most of the time ive been with him. I unsult him publicly out of my pain and despair. He leaves me this:
this is beyond ridiculous. i'm sorry you keep dwelling on this situation in the past but it's the PAST, and not only that, it's MINE. I've been nothing but patient waiting for this to either pass or for you to give me the opportunity to fix it. But nothing I've ever said has been good enough for you. You know what, I know you think about it a lot, but how much of that is honestly looking for a remedy and how much of it is just wanting it to win and take you over? I'd never do something like this so low to you. My inability to make this go away does not make me a bad person. I tried, and I tried, and I tried. You just couldn't let the past stay in the past. I can't really blame you, you're probably incapable. Unlike you, I won't condemn you for something you're incapable of doing. A person cant even be desperately ill anymore, without this asshole doing this. I always suspected he wouldnt and doesnt appreciate my effort. Its heartbreaking. I dont wanna live. Am I a failure? |
|
|
Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself. All day, and all night. I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath, I say to myself, "I need fuel to take flight"
Current Mood: |
 depressed | |
|
|
Confused still. Full of painful thought that I am inclined to sort through but I cant be asked and I dont even know if its worth it. I could just cry. I am such an emotional wreck, not just now but generally. I've been so full of depression lately, I just hate myself, even though these past few days havent been bad... Feels like I'm going around in circles sometimes though. I'm gonna go to bed now. |
|
|
Clips of Friends singing...
"Your love is like a giant pigeon... Crapping on my heart! La, la, la, la, la, ohhoooohhoooooo" Lol @ Chandler at the end. "AH, SMELLY CAAATT!!!" "Went to the store, sat on Santas lap. Asked him to buy my friends all kinds of craappp." Lol... 'Little black curly hair' is possibly her best song IMO. Ross' reaction while hes eating... Lol. "Go to hell jingle whore!!! Go to hell, go to hell, go to heheheeelll!!!!!" "My sticky shooooohh. My sticky, sticky shooohh." And I'll add in Ross' velociraptor imitation just becuase its the best. |
|
|
I've just broken down in tears. I cant help it. Far too much pain and confusion. Last night I was so close to death... I couldnt draw that bath because I knew I would use it to end it all. I cant bear this. Even when I know there are things that might make me smile for a second they are just not worth it... Before I know it that seconds over or it never even came around. |
|
|
Ugh... Im still so shattered from last night. I was told something last night that made me see some people and some things with such confusion. The person who loves and helps me the most is the person that I cant even look at for unimaginable reasons. I have to die... But I cant. HELLLPP. Why was I ever even born? For this insanity? Couldnt go to school and my social worker just came to visit... It was soo hard to explain things to her to let her understand but she said that I did brilliantly. I still have a few things to say to her for when she comes to check on me tomorrow... Who can blame me with this all of this confusion? Feel like I've lost my identity... I'm walking death. I cant even think about or look at the things that I once loved, that once gave me comfort. |
|
|
So I've done the first day back! We had a mock exam and I'm pleased that it could have gone worse : / Minus 6 degrees in the morning today... Very cold. I wore my leather, heeled boots and and I slipped twice and fell on my ass!! Haha. Wasnt funny at the time, at all.
I saw the psychiatrist today... He's a little patronising but I dont let myself be so significantly patronised by him. My last session with him is real soon and I'm being handed over to a lady doctor/psychiatrist! Yay. Lol. This is because I'm 18 soon and I'm going into adult care. This current male one is a little strict and up your ass, though he has been nice at times : )
You know I spoke of going to see Chris in California in mid Feb... Well I've asked my dad and it looks like I can go. Yay! Cali has so much history that interests me... I'll have the time of my life, hopefully : / We are also going to Hungary again in early Feb and I'll get to see my adorable baby cousin and relatives... They are so nice! They have adorable dogs too. So Feb will be busy and it'll be a big month!
I've been thinking of a layout update for a while now so expect to see a new layout and a new header soon ; ) |
|
|
Happy New Year!!
Hope this year will be a great one! ; )
|
|
|
It snowed a tiny bit overnight but its a little hard to enjoy the snow and the festivities when you are ill with the flu. Ugggh. Getting better and I've got some flu relief meds thankfully. 3 days till Christmas! Its 3 days for you guys but its an even shorter 3 days for me because we have our main celebrations on Xmas Eve!.. This includes the giving and recieving of gifts. |
|
|
So it feels like Christmas already... Yesterday was my last day at college and I missed all my non important lessons because I slept in. Oh well! Lol. After the very short day at college me and friends went to lunch where we recieved our secret santa presents. I was very happy... I got a Doors book, fake eyelashes and a box of small perfumes... I have gone quite perfume crazy lately. I gave some money to the person I was entitled to give to and she seemed very grateful. After that I bought a Santa hat and I sent off my Christmas present to Chris in California. I bought him a cologne and he knows this. Hehe. Doesnt know which one though. He is sending me a few things too. So Im definitely getting into the christmas spirit these holidays... I was also thinking about reading another Doors/Jim book as a I have recieved a few new ones yesterday and over the months... Some of which might be a load of crap. I was also thinking about writing. Like writing songs or poetry or even finally going back to my film project! I have two weeks worth of holiday including Christmas and New Years of course. I hope they go well. Hope you all have fun too! |
|
|
