so I just finished reading Blue Like Jazz.
yes... at 5.45 in the morning.
and I must say, that is one inflammatory book.
not in a bad sense, but in a very, very good sense.
it's probably the most provoking book I've ever read.
it'll take me a while to process all the thoughts it's raised.
I definitely recommend it to everyone. highly.
get your hands on a copy, and read it.
oh, and Velvet Elvis too.

tonight I watched my best friend die.
and now I sit in silence, with no words to say.
everything else in life just seems to fade.
and nothing seems to matter any more.
yet in this place where no words seem to fit,
it's here that my heart finds its tongue.
and though no words proceed from my mouth,
indescribable gratitude pours out of my heart.

how could I take You so lightly?
how could I take You for granted?
how could I give You anything but all?
how could I complain about the life You died to give me?



and yet You did all this for me.



I am overwhelmed.

Narrow is the gate and constricted is the way which leads to life,
and there are few who find it. - Matthew 7.14



I was up late, and then when I went to lay down I couldn't get to sleep. I laid on my bed for a couple hours, and then decided I'd do some writing. I had God TV on in the background, and there was this preacher talking about end time theology and all that. He was saying things like, "I'm believing for a billion souls" and "there are great revivals breaking on every single continent" and things like that, and it struck me as very ... North American.

One of the things that I've been growing particularly sensitive to lately [mostly because of my studying it and God teaching me about it] has to do with salvation... what it is, how it happens, and what it means. And I'm definitely really far from having a mastery of the subject [I'm not sure that anyone ever really will have a mastery of it], but there are some things that I'm seeing in the Bible that seem to fly directly in the face of North American Christianity. Here's how I see it, and maybe I'm wrong, but I'll be the first to tell anyone to never just believe me because I say it, but to wrestle with what I say and make a determination on it for yourself.

We in North America seem to have church down to a science. An exact science. We've got our big, beautiful buildings with state of the art audio, video and media systems. We've got our service outlines and our order of events for each week. We have stacks upon stacks of self-help resources, personal growth resources, spiritual growth resources, fiscal growth resources... and of course, loads and loads of good, clean, family-friendly entertainment to occupy ourselves with the rest of the week. We've got our cute little potlucks, adorable little seasonal plays, and our wonderfully talented worship bands and singers singing four songs per week. We've successfully managed to boil things down to an orderly, proper, nice, neat, beautiful, tidy package. We've dotted every i and crossed every t, and created formula after formula to ensure success every time. This is North American Christianity... or, as I like to call it, Christianity Inc.

As you might have picked up by now [unless you have the IQ of a bag of Doritos™], I'm not too thrilled with church in North America. I'm not the world's most experienced traveller, and I certainly don't consider myself an expert on theology or philosophy or history. But the more years I spend travelling abroad and seeing church in the various cultures, the more I question what it is that I've grown up on. Do I think that Christianity Inc. is completely, irreparably wrong? No, definitely not. But the more I read my Bible, and the more I see reality outside of our comfortable little continent, the more I'm convinced that - for all our creature comforts, resources, systems, formulas and knowledge - we sure have messed this whole Christianity thing up.

Think about it. We live in a culture where we have just about every resource imaginable available at our fingertips, have laws that protect our freedoms, have thousands and thousands of full-time paid pastors, teachers, evangelists, apostles and prophets, and even have a $4 billion a year Christian entertainment industry in the US alone. With all of these resources, and with all of these amenities, shouldn't Christianity Inc. be the strongest, healthiest, most vibrant, fastest growing part of the Body of Christ on the planet? Wouldn't that make sense?

Yet, we're not.

We just about wet our pants with excitement when two or three people "get saved" at one of our meetings. We get excited when we see one or two people experience a physical healing. We'll brag about seeing a couple dozen people saved last year, or a few kids making rededications at an event, or some people allowing us to pray for them. We pat ourselves on the back for a job well done if we manage to have a few visitors more than normal on a Sunday morning, or if we have an outreach event with a good turnout.

Bravo. Give yourself a sticker.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm excited when one person comes to Christ because God and the angels are excited. I'm not in any way attempting to belittle or minimalize the impact of those sort of things. But when you look at what Christianity Inc. has going for it on the resources and amenities side of things, and then you look at what we've got going for us - or, more accurately, not going for us - on the fruit side of things, it's a little bit out of proportion; kind of like keeping a guppy in a whale tank. We should be ashamed of ourselves, honestly. We parade around in the halls of Christianity Inc., pretending that we're doing Jesus some sort of favour for just being there... not realizing of course that He wants us to actually do something with our lives. And potlucks don't count, sorry.

For all of the knowledge and resources and training and materials and you-name-it that we have in North America, we ought to be doing far, far better. But we aren't. We are the world leaders in resources, materials, training, staffing and philosophy in Christendom. There's no other place on earth that has so much. But there's also no other place on earth that squanders so much, either.

In China, where open Christianity is illegal and punished severely, around 20-25,000 people choose to follow Christ every single day. The underground Believers have church in their homes, and young people as young as 12 and 13 are sometimes pastors over hundreds of house church leaders. In Burma, Believers are tortured or killed for sharing their faith; yet they do with incredible effectiveness. South Korea has a church with 800,000 members. The Church in Peru sees thousands upon thousands of physical healings each year.

Why is it that these nations which are either violently opposed to Christianity or are extremely poor [or both] have churches that are exploding, seeing phenomenal, incredible fruit... while we in North America with all our resources are in such horrible shape? Why is it that the average Christian in countries that will punish them for doing so will lead multiple people to Christ, while less than 30% of Christians in North America will even share their faith in a society where they're right to do so is protected? Why is it that we see so little fruit in North America, yet so much fruit in other places where we'd expect less?

Could it be because Christianity Inc. has got it wrong?

Let's take salvation, for instance, since it's the topic God's been teaching me about lately. In North America, most people "get saved" [I hate clichés, by the way] with the help of someone else, as opposed to doing so on their own. The problem is, though, that we seem to have this formula in North America for how to "get saved." Almost every single one of us has - at some point - prayed "The Sinner's Prayer;" acknowledging that we're a sinner, that we need Jesus, repenting, and asking Him to be our Lord. This process is described to us in many ways, including - but not limited to - "accepting Him," "receiving Him," "putting our trust in Him," "inviting Him into our heart," and/or "making Him our personal Lord and Saviour."

Now... do your best to avoid incontinence when you read this next sentence:
Jesus never asked us to do any of the above.

In fact, Jesus was quite the rebel. He didn't go along with our tidy, friendly, cutesy, orderly altar calls that we like in Christianity Inc. No, when Jesus called people to Himself, it wasn't with nice words like "invite" or "accept" or "receive." He didn't have anyone bow their heads, didn't have anyone close their eyes, and didn't have anyone pray a prayer. Not once. No... when Jesus called people to Himself, He used one of two phrases. And the phrases that He used show us a lot about what He desired for us to actually do as Believers. They'd also explain passages like that one I mentioned at the start of this entry.

One of the phrases was "repent, for the Kingdom of God is at hand." Repent is a military term, which means to stop going the direction that you're going, do an about-face, and proceed to head in the opposite direction. In the context of what Jesus was saying, it means "stop sinning, reject and turn from your sin, and follow in My path." It was NOT a passive thing like "receiving" or "inviting" or "accepting" are.

The other phrase was, "follow Me." Now, when a rabbi said "follow me" to someone, it meant a whole lot more in Jewish culture than it meant in ours. A rabbi would use that term when he was selecting someone to be his disciple or follower. When a rabbi said that to someone, the expectation was clear; in order to follow the rabbi, one would have to give up everything in their life, and spend the rest of their life observing, learning from, imitating and emulating the rabbi. In other words, they would lose their own life to gain the life of the rabbi. Sound familiar? That's the expectation that Jesus had of His disciples when He asked them to follow Him. That's why they "immediately" left their nets, livelihood, families, etc and followed Him. And that's what we're to do as well.

I often wonder, as I watch altar calls, if this is what Jesus wanted us to do in the first place. Did He want us to have people make a passive acceptance of Him? Did He ever want us to have everyone pray a prayer and believe that - as a result of a single prayer - we were set for eternity? Did He want us to preach a message that focuses on the event of salvation, rather than the lifestyle thereof? Is this anything like what He wanted us to do? Or even worse... are these people who make a passive agreement actually saved?

I'm not here to pass judgement on peoples' salvation. But I can't help but wonder. Are these people who are repeating a prayer after a pastor who asked them to invite Jesus into their hearts actually saved? These people who then call Him "Lord" but don't actually walk it out with their lives... are they the reason Jesus said that "not everyone who calls me Lord will enter the Kingdom of Heaven?" Is this why He says that the gate is narrow and the way is constricted and few will find it? Is this why John 15 says that He'll cut off any branches that aren't bearing fruit, and that He'll cast them into the fire? After all, a branch would imply that they're someone who was at one point a part of the vine...

I find it harder and harder to not be cynical. I know peoples' intentions are good, but I often wonder if we're doing ourselves and the people we lead a HUGE disservice by not explaining the Gospel as it really is. I wonder if we're watering it down and making it easy to swallow so much that we end up nullifying the whole point of the thing. Cause let's get one thing straight; Christ never promised His way would be easy. He never promised His Gospel would be easy to swallow or smooth going down. He said it'd be rough. He said it'd be hard. He said it would be a battle. He said that it would take some fighting and warfare.

Have our attempts to make the Gospel easier to swallow only managed to render it impotent?


Those are my thoughts...

Why do I want a wife and a family? What is it that makes me desire that? Life certainly would be easier without all the drama involved in relationships. If my limited experiences with girls have taught me anything, it's that relationships are not simple and are definitely not easy. They take a whole lot of work, and it's a whole lot of investing. And risk. To love IS to risk. It's risky to put your heart out there and to express yourself to someone without knowing exactly if they'll receive what you offer or how they'll respond or how things will work out in the end. But it's a necessary risk if you're wanting to experience love. It was risky for God; it's risky for us.

So why do I desire a wife and kids then, if it's so risky and complicated and dramatic? Why not just forget the drama and complications and just live the rest of my days as a single man, free from the burdens of worrying about another person or feeding a family or all that? Why not just stay in the Bachelor Till the Rapture club and live my life as I've been living it all along?

Why? Because it would be like ripping the heart out of me.

I've dreamed and prayed and believed and prepared and practiced [yes, practiced] and learned and matured and grown, all with the expectancy of one day having a wife and children. Not because I somehow feel incomplete or lacking or hollow without them, nor because they'll make me happier or more fulfilled... but because I've been storing up all of what God has put inside of me, preparing to unleash it upon my family. All of the knowledge, character, strengths, love, wisdom, insight, passion and understanding that God's given me has been for one purpose; for me to impart to others. And I feel that the most powerful way for me to do that is to have a family; to impart all that He's given me into them, and to invest my entire life into their well-being and their success.

Having had this dream and desire for many years, I've thought about a lot of things. Having watched, as many of my friends found significant others, received rings, stood at an altar, were celebrated, and began having children, I've thought about a lot of things. Having seen younger and younger friends finding someone special and tying the knot, I've thought about a lot of things. Having thought - twice - that it was my turn, and that my story was about to be written, I've thought a lot of things. But apparently it doesn't matter how much I think about anything; it only matters what actually happens.

And so far it's added up to a grand total of nothing.

I can't lie... it's been heartbreaking watching couple after couple walk hand in hand down the aisle toward the golden-brick road of happiness and marital bliss. While I'm happy for most of my friends [a few of them I've wanted to smack upside the head to slap some sense into them], there's always a part of me that is seething and bruised inside, wondering when it will be my turn and when God will decide to allow me to find someone special. I sit here thinking about why in the world it's been so hard for me. What is it that is holding me back? What is it that's taking Him so long? Why hasn't she arrived in all her stunning beauty, ready for me to sweep her off her feet? When will my story begin?

My dad got married when he was 28. He'd always joke around about waiting as long as you can before you get married, so that I could explore the world and live my life a little before I "settle down." But inside me, I didn't want that. I didn't want to wait until I was in my late twenties to find a special someone. And so I vowed to myself that I wouldn't let myself get that old before I started a family.

Well, I'm 25 and a half, and I've certainly seen the world and lived my life. I've been on three continents [soon to be four], I've made literally thousands of friends all over the world, I've spoken in front of upwards of 50,000 people, I've seen more than 26,000 of them make the decision to follow Christ, and I've helped pioneer the Canadian branch of one of the largest youth ministries in the continent. I've taught myself website development and design, run my own business for three years, learned trades such as painting and drywalling, learned how to drum very proficiently, been recorded drumming for a live worship album, and taught myself basic guitar inside a year. I've mentored and counselled and helped dozens upon dozens of young people, and have directly led more than 200 young people on short term mission trips to all different corners of the globe. I have a lot of accomplishments, and I feel I've lived my life to it's fullest.

...except when it comes to THIS area.

It would appear that I'm on track to break my own vow. It seems that every time there's a glint of hope for me, it's whisked away quickly and abruptly. Every time there's been someone who has looked like a possibility - even those who I believed God specifically instructed me to pursue - it's turned out that I wasn't what they really wanted. And the hope vanished as quickly as it appeared. And now I sit here, as yet another glimmer of hope has died, only repeating what I've seen as a pattern through my life.

I can't pretend that I'm not disappointed. My disappointment is pretty obvious, and my heart is pretty sore, in spite of the fact that I've kept it guarded as best I knew how the entire time. I went for a walk tonight, and all I could feel was a sense of acute loneliness. Sure, I know God is with me and He's right beside me and all those great cliches and verses that people love to pull out and wave around at a time like this. But it's an intense desire for a human companionship that God built into me... a desire that seems to be looking more and more like it will go unfulfilled. And as I think about how my heart is feeling, a lot of questions reverberate in my mind. What did I do wrong? Am I blind? Is there even someone out there for me? What makes me so sure? What if I've already missed her? What if I'd done something different? What if I'm waiting for someone who doesn't exist?

I don't have answers for these questions... and the unanswered questions are the loudest ones. They can sometimes ring so loud and reverberate so long in my head that I can't think of anything else, can't sleep, can't eat, can't function. Not just about this subject either. Sometimes the questions that I have no answers for can overwhelm me, leave me feeling defenceless and vulnerable, and cause me to just shut down.

Yet, though there are a lot of things that I don't know the answers to, there ARE some that I DO know the answers to. I know some things about myself, my identity, my calling, my strengths, my weaknesses, my gifts. I know some things about what I'm passionate about, how I think, what I base my thinking on, and how I interpret reality. And it's this knowledge that helps to keep me anchored when storms like this hit. The waves of uncertainty may hit me, may cause me to sway and roll, and may even cause me to take on some water. But this knowledge that I have holds me anchored firmly, in spite of the battering that I'm taking.

I figured that I'd try to list some of the things that I know about myself, especially my strengths and gifts. So, here goes...

• I am not afraid of commitment. In fact, if anything, I probably commit way too quickly.


• I never give up on people; my loyalty endures far beyond pain and betrayal.


• I believe in people; I look for the good, and believe for the best.


• I seek to develop the people I'm in relationship with.


• I speak the truth in love.


• I affirm and encourage people.


• I help them see themselves as God sees them.


• I challenge people. I know how to take someone from where they are to where they want to be.


• I am a leader. I am consistently in front of people, leading them forward.


• I am a motivator. I challenge and inspire people to make their life count.


• I hate the status quo, especially in the North American Church. It makes me sick.


• I refuse to settle for a mediocre life. My life will be significant. So will my family's.


• I have high aspirations for my life. I have a goal, and I'm aggressively aiming toward it.


• I am passionate. I rarely have a neutral stance on an issue, and I stand firm.


• I am constantly seeking to improve myself. I will not settle for where I'm at.


• I am a good communicator, especially in writing.


• I am a thoughtful person.


• I am a servant.


• I am sentimental and romantic.


• I am a good listener and counsellor.


• I am a trustworthy person.


• I am a pretty humble person.


• I invest in people, believing that it will make a difference in their life.


• I speak faith.


• I don't allow my emotions to control me or make my decisions for me.


• I know how to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit.


• I am not afraid to deal with conflicts.


• I am an intelligent person.


• I know how to treat a lady.


• I am a protector and a defender.


• I know how to fight and do warfare in the spiritual realm.


• I have ridiculously high standards compared to many believers.


• I process my experiences through the filter of the Word, and think Biblically.

I know I'll be a good husband, and a good father, given the opportunity. In my own strength? No. But certainly with what God has taught me, with how He's trained me, and how He's prepared me, I expect that I would be a tremendous blessing to some girl, and to the family that I raise with her. I am a good catch. Is it arrogant or prideful to think that? I don't think it is. I certainly didn't get here on my own, and I certainly can't take credit for all that God's developed me to be. But I do know that I'm a very different person. I think differently than most people; even Believers. I process life different than other people. And while I'm certainly not perfect at it yet, I see things through the filter of the Bible and interpret life based upon what I know of the Scriptures. I am different... and I happen to think that it's the kind of different that Christ called us to be - in the world, but not of it. And while I'm definitely not perfect at it, I tend to think a whole lot more Biblically than is the norm in Christian circles, and tend to evaluate what I experience in this physical realm based on what I know of the spiritual realm. In short, I don't just take things at face value or live based solely upon what I see or what I feel.

Which is why, even though my hope seems to have been snuffed out yet again, and my boat has been rocked by yet another storm, I'm confident that my anchor will hold and the sun will show up again. I don't know how long it will be. I don't know what will happen before the sun comes. I don't know how long this storm will last. But I DO know that if this hope that just faded was only the glimmering of a star compared to the sun that's coming, I probably should find myself a good pair of shades and some sunblock.

If God is going to out-do Himself again, He's going to have to work overtime.

So call me a cynic.

Yes, that's right. Call me a cynic. Why? Well, I'm finding that I'm becoming very cynical about a lot of things that I've always just accepted as true or accepted as right. I've grown up in the Church, and I've heard all the cliche's, and I know a lot of Christianese. But sometimes, certain things about Christianity strike me as weird... or strange... or fake... or just plain wrong. I'm not sure it it's because I've examined a few different areas that are generally accepted as true or right and found that they weren't, or if it's just because I'm becoming cynical in my old age [haha]. But sometimes I'll read something that will make me go, "uhm.... are you sure about that?"

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So I've been thinking about the word "suddenly" a lot lately... mostly with regards to a certain situation that has come up in my life in the last couple of weeks, which would certainly qualify as a "suddenly" experience. And here's what I've been thinking...

In our formula-oriented, process-driven, rules-governed western society, we tend to have difficulty with the concept of "suddenly." And our cultural paradigms influence the angle that we approach our faith from. Many times, we like our Christianity to be predictable, often using the term "order" as a scapegoat. We like to boil things down to theories, formulas, techniques, and three steps to success. And while there's nothing wrong with noticing principles, or having things in order, there is something wrong if those things begin to dictate how we live, instead of God.

I'm sure you're all begging for an example, and there are many different examples that I could use. Everything from romance to prayer to what we do in life could work, because they all have legitimate principles that we can follow as we walk them out. But let's go with one that's probably familiar to every Believer; church services. If you've ever been to a church in a foreign country, you would very quickly notice that church is done very differently. The kids are running all over the place... oftentimes even on stage. The service doesn't have a sense of flow to it... it feels more like they're making it all up as they go. A lot of times the "band" plays in numerous keys, all at once. You get the picture. It's definitely not the type of organized, orderly, pretty, pristine, aesthetically-pleasing service that we're used to in North America.

So why, then, are we seeing literally thousands of people coming to Christ every single day in services like that... while we're lucky if one person raises their hand while "every head is bowed, and every eye is closed" here in North America? Why is it that the Spirit of God chooses to unleash Himself in those places of such seeming "chaos," manifesting His presence through signs and wonders and miracles and healings... and we tend to get excited if we get goosebumps? Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying the Holy Spirit is absent from our meetings. But why is it that these sort of things tend to happen more in settings where there's not as much "order" and there's not as much "polish?"

Perhaps it's because God is a God of order, but not of formula.

If all we do in church is reduce it down to a bunch of formulas, a bunch of rules, a bunch of traditions, and a bunch of this is how we do it's, we've effectively killed the heart of what God was after. I was talking to my friend Chelsea, and she said something that pretty much summed it up; "Rules kill the heart." Christ didn't die so that we could have a bunch of rules and procedures and protocols. In fact, I seem to recall that He raged against that very thing. He didn't come to establish "The Proper Way to Do Church Services." He died to set our hearts free. And what have we done in North America as a response? Chained them back up again.

We've abandoned the wild, dangerous, adventurous, unpredictable, fulfilling life of significance that He set us free to experience, and have traded it in for a life of rules, formulas, theories and "order." And then we wonder why our services are so impotent in North America. We think, "well, maybe if we make sure that there are no distractions, that everything happens the same way every time, so that people don't get caught off guard or made uncomfortable, maybe THEN the Holy Spirit will show up." And the congregation goes to sleep. Or they may as well be. Week after week, we punch the time card, doing the church routine. We know it so well that we could do it in our sleep. Why? Because it's "orderly." It's predictable. It's nice. It's clean. It's sanitized. It's pristine.

It's dead.

Whatever happened to the "suddenly?" The adventurous, spontaneous, dirty, gritty, REAL life? Whatever happened to our hearts? When did we trade our hearts in for a rule book? When did we chain ourselves back to the religiosity that Christ died to free us from? When did we choose to trade a life of adventure and excitement and effectiveness for a life or "order" and "flow?" When did we die, Church?

The Bible uses the word "suddenly" numerous times. Three particular instances that I found were pretty interesting. One is in Acts 2..

"And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire, and it sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance. " - Acts 2.1-4

This wouldn't appear, to me, to be a very "orderly" service. I don't think the Holy Spirit coming in and taking over was on the order of service sheet. I kind of doubt that the disciples had a minute by minute service outline.... "1.52pm - pray.... 1.56pm - pyro blast... 1.57pm - speak in unknown languages." I kind of find that hard to believe. In fact, the common notion that they were all praying or fasting or whatever isn't even implied. What were they doing? Maybe they were just fellowshipping? Maybe they were playing duck, duck, goose? Maybe they were worshiping? I wonder if someone was in the bathroom at the time? Who knows? Nothing's really certain... except for the fact that it happened "suddenly."

"And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them. And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed." - Acts 16.25,26

"Suddenly."

"And it happened to me, traveling and drawing near to Damascus: suddenly, about midday, a great light out of the heaven shone around me. And I fell to the ground, and heard a voice saying to me, Saul, Saul, why do you persecute Me? And I answered, Who are you, Sir? And He said to me, I am Jesus the Nazarene whom you persecute." - Acts 22.6-8

"Suddenly."

It would seem to me that God doesn't want predictability; He wants adaptability. He doesn't want formula; He wants heart. He doesn't want rules; He wants relationship. He doesn't want procedures; He wants obedience. And until we take notice of that in North America, and get past our rules-oriented, formulating mindsets, we will more than likely never experience what God wants for us. Until we lay our agenda aside, we probably won't see His agenda realized. And while He certainly has the ability to blast us in the face and "knock us off our high horse" like He did with Saul, I think He'd rather we just be willing to allow Him to move whenever He wants. I think He'd rather we know the principles, but not worship them. I think He'd rather we understand the techniques, but not dictate our lives by them. I know that if I had kids, I wouldn't want them to tell me they loved me the exact same way, once a week, as if they were punching their time card. I'd want them to express it in a way that's unique to them... in a spontaneous way.

In my opinion, God is not a god of formulas. He's not into nice, clean, sanitized, sterile services. He wants life, not sterility. That's what He was after in the first place. When we reduce life - any part of it - down to formulas and procedures, we take the life out of living, take the heart out of our faith, and we make ourselves impotent and sterile. The adventurous, dangerous, significant life that God has for us is at odds with the safe, comfortable, sanitized way of life that our culture has.

It's time we followed God, instead of following our culture.

I was walking home from the movies tonight. I saw The Prestige... it was alright... really weird. Anyway, I was listening to some United on the bus home, and as I listened to one of my favourite songs, I had a thought...

I thought of myself first. There have been tons of times when I've thought, "Man, that was incredible! God was really there. I really experienced something there. That song really hit me... it was powerful." In fact, it happened at this most recent ATF. The altar call on the Saturday night was one of the "thickest" feeling atmospheres I've experienced in a long time. People were crying and snotting all over themselves, crying out to God from the bowels of their hearts ... and it was "thick." Or at least, that's how it felt. But can we really define our experiences with a supernatural Being by how they feel in the natural? Or beyond that, can we judge the power of our experiences by what we feel or perceive? Can we rank the quality of our worship times, or our gatherings, or our altar calls based upon how much snot ends up on the carpet? Or how many people have their hands above their heads with leaking eyes? Are those really the indicators of a "powerful encounter with God?" I mean, I don't recall the Bible even documenting reactions like that... yet for some reason we use our emotions to interpret the siginificance or power of our God encounters.

But isn't that like trying to use a decibal meter to measure light? Isn't that like trying to use a thermometer to measure brightness? Or a barometer to measure speed? Can an experience with God, or a song that we love, or a physical manifestation of the presence of the Holy Spirit really truly be gauged by our limited, physical senses? Can we ever truly measure how intense or powerful something supernatural was using our ridiculously limited faculties? It might tweak your emotions, but does that mean it's "powerful?" It might make you feel all warm and fuzzy, but does that really mean it was special? It might give you goosebumps, raise the hair on your back, send shivers down your back, make your toes curl, cause your palms to sweat, your mouth to go dry, your tongue to swell and your body to give out... but is that really a measure of what's going on?

Because, after all, as Believers, we know that "the things which are seen" are not nearly as important or real as "the things which are not seen." We understand that there are two realms - the physical which we see, and the spiritual which we do not - and that the physical realm is not as important or as real as the spiritual realm. What happens in the spiritual realm affects what happens in the physical realm, yes... but the physical realm is not a direct reflection of the spiritual realm. Just because we get goosebumps, snotty noses and cry doesn't mean anything happened in the spiritual realm. Likewise, just because we don't feel anything or see anything happen, doesn't mean we haven't had a powerful encounter with the Creator of the Universe. It just means we didn't feel anything.

He wants us to walk by faith, not by sight. What I take that verse to mean is, He wants us to walk through our life thinking and making decisions based on what we know from His Word [since that's where faith comes from], instead of thinking and deciding based merely on what we feel or perceive or experience. If the Bible is true, and everything that God said in it is true and real in the spiritual realm, and we operate according to that knowledge - regardless of what we see in the physical realm - we will be living and "walking" by faith. If, however, we read the Bible and then go about our day making decisions based merely on what we perceive with our physical faculties - instead of on what we know from the Word - we will be walking by what we SEE... and judging God's faithfulness and integrity by our physical experiences and observations. It's like trying to measure weight with a stethoscope, or heat with an altimeter.

Look beyond what you see and hear. There is more to reality than meets the eye. As a Believer, you are more than just a sack of bones and skin and fluid. Your experiences are more than just physical reactions to a physical environment. Certainly there will be emotions and feelings and goosebumps and snot and tears. But don't base your perception of God on what you experience on a physical level. Don't try to compare apples with oranges. When we interact with the spiritual realm there may or may not be a physical manifestation as a result... but don't base your definition of the "success" of that spiritual interaction upon the results that you see or don't see in the physical realm.

davideckmier (00.43.09): I've kind of rediscovered what it means to spend time with God.
davideckmier (00.45.01): over the past few months I've gone from having quiet times because I "should," reading my Bible in my QT's because "that's what you do," and even praying during my QT's because I'm "supposed to" to more of a "spend time with Him whenever, wherever, in whatever way, because that's what He wants in the first place" sort of deal.
davideckmier (00.46.11): see, we live in a society that's really performance-driven, and it influences our Christianity a whole lot. I know that for me, it was important to have an hour long QT, and to make sure that I was reading my Bible and praying during my QT, because that's what a QT is, and we should have one every day.
davideckmier (00.46.24): but then I was struck with the realization: according to who?
davideckmier (00.47.48): God never instructed us to have some legalistic, set-aside time to spend with Him every day for an hour. He never gave us a formula for spending time with Him. In fact, He wants a relationship with us, and in relationships you don't generally schedule a time slot for someone and stick to it rigidly... you make time for that person and you spend time with them... you don't do the same thing every time you're with them.
davideckmier (00.49.40): so it's brought a lot of freedom and refreshment in my walk and in my times with God. it's gone from a more performance-driven motivation to a relationally-driven motivation, and what I do when I spend time with Him is really different now as well. I spend a lot of time just talking with Him, but also a lot of time listening, thinking, processing the Word in my mind, etc. After all, when you're spending time with a friend, you don't generally sit there in front of them and read a letter that they sent you... you talk with them... you hang out with them... you have fun with them... you joke with them... you share your heart and your feelings with them...
davideckmier (00.50.19): and I have a feeling that God wants that exact same thing from us... not a ritualized, legalistic routine or formula of "okay, first I read my Bible for twenty minutes, then I pray for twenty minutes, then I worship for ten, then I..."
"Friend" (00.50.25): mmm. i like the way you think.
davideckmier (00.50.46): I'm hearing God talk to me so much more because I'm LETTING Him. It's amazing what we'll hear if we'll just shut up and listen sometimes.
davideckmier (00.51.23): now... obviously it's important to read the Word. if a friend sends you a letter they expect you to read it... but not when you're sitting in front of them spending time with them.
davideckmier (00.52.24): so I've been focusing more on the communication end of things in my QT's, and I haven't been as anal retentive on how long they are, or when they are, or whatever. I've been finding that in doing so I'm thinking about God and talking to Him more often throughout my days, and I have a feeling that that's how He wants it to be anyway.
davideckmier (00.53.26): so yeah... that's been one big thing that's been being developed in me the last few months

God's been teaching me about the heart lately. I'm reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, and it talks about how God designed us with our heart as the centre of who we are, and how - when we give our lives to Christ - He takes our old, sinful heart of stone and gives us a new, pure heart of flesh. He then goes on to explain what that implies... that we can live from our heart and experience life as God intended it, rather than living simply from our intellect or understanding, fearing that our heart is evil and can't be trusted. God never intended us to just learn a bunch of principles and tips and formulas. That's not Christianity. But He intended us to experience life - real life - and that to the fullest. He intended us to not just know about Him or about His principles with our head, but to truly know Him with our heart.

"The mind will always justify what the heart believes." - John Peacock

Pastor Paul talked about faith versus fantasy this morning, and talked about how we can't be expecting the promises of God to be manifest in one area of our life if we're ignoring His principles in another area of our life. Then he used that quote, to illustrate the fact that many times, those who claim to be Christians will have a belief system that is so self-focused and hedonistic that they'll attempt to justify away anything that gets in the way of what they want or what makes them comfortable. They so believe that it's all about them with their heart that their minds automatically try to find ways to justify that belief and make it congruent with their lifestyle, instead of making their lifestyle congruent with their faith. In the heirarchy of life, our hearts come first [because they're the core of who we are], and then our minds. What the heart believes, the mind will always attempt to justify and defend.

John Eldredge talks about how we think with the mind but we believe with the heart. The heart, being the centre of who we are, is what carries the deep-rooted beliefs and convictions that we have, whereas the mind only carries the temporary thoughts that we have. David talked in Psalms about how he hid God's Word in his heart, that he might not sin against Him. Jesus talked about how the words we say come from the abundance of our hearts. Paul wrote to the Romans that if they believed with their hearts - not their minds - that Jesus Christ was Lord, and confessed with their mouths, they'd be saved. It's the heart that is the centre of who we are, what we truly believe, and what we truly feel.

So God's challenge to me lately has been, "how much of your life is lived from your heart, and how much is lived from your mind?" Being someone who's a fairly intellectually-motivated individual, it's not easy for me to really grasp what that means or how to do so. But I'm getting there. I'm working on it. It feels like God's taking me on a journey... a journey of rediscovering my heart; rediscovering what it means to feel; rediscovering what romance means; rediscovering how to love and pursue Him as the object of my affection, instead of just as the object of my faith. A lot of times it's easy for me to be detached from things going on around me that probably should affect me emotionally, but don't... and it's a sign that I'm probably living out of my mind, instead of out of my heart. And so I'm spending a decent amount of time thinking about what exactly is going on inside me, and why.

And as I do this, there are plenty of issues being brought to my attention. Everything from pride, to jealousy, to envy, to selfishness, to discontent, to striving, to anxiety and fear. As I take a good, long look at my heart, there are numerous issues and blemishes that God's putting His finger on, letting me know that it's time to take action and start developing myself in those areas of weakness. And the longer I think about it and process it, the more crap I have that rises to the surface and needs to be strained out.

Growth is not usually a fun process... until you get to look back and smile at how far God's brought you.



Lead me on Father.
My life is Yours.
You're all that I need.
And I want to be like You.

You're my Hero.
I love You.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us...

It has been well acknowledged by persons of discernment throughout history that of all the visible creation, God has blessed none with so much beauty as he has woman. This alone would be cause enough for great admiration, yet when woman adds to physical beauty such treasures as the beauty of good character; nobility, grace, generosity, affability, and discretion, along with intelligence, taste, wit and a sense of style, then she is a higher work of art indeed. It is no hidden thing that women have great influence over men. A low woman may be able to reduce a low man to the level of a swine. But a true lady has the ability to lift, inspire and ennoble a good man toward chivalry, gentlemanly ideals and greatness itself.

Ladies, do polish your physical beauty and allow it to shine, recognizing that your attire does matter, yet take even greater heed to the development of those qualities which will bring depth to beauty's luster. When you have done this you will discover great power in making use of all to inspire the good men around you to higher levels of their own.

- Lord Scott