We're all a little crazy...

We're all a little crazy...

A Life Interrupted

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[05 Apr 2007|05:16pm]

thornsoul

[

mood

crushed

]

so here I am.In need.
It is so difficult to feel that bad and need to share it ,need somebody human out there to shake me with compassion though!

someone who could help me see the positive side of my so lonely existence.

It's been ages I haven't felt that hopeless,that depressed.
I feel a huge hatred in me, I thought I'd never say this again, but yes lately I'm hating myself so much I hardly can bear my face in the mirror

I don't dress up,don't make up,I wear any clothe
I never go out so what the use?
I have no friends,I only have my boyfriend who of course means the world to me, but I m not dependent.

I'm rather independent and used to my solitude.yet I am here unable to shed a tear, to old to cut myself for Love or attention, no desire to kill myself, but overwhelmed by a black sadness that is so heavy and sticky that I just cannot deny it.

I wake up with it, I do everything with it and even when I talk to myself I feel I'm talking to it.
I lied down the living room today,with the sun on my face, gazing at the ceiling, its whiteness.
I felt almost dead.
no feeling, except this anger and this hatred.

I fear I cant love at the moment, I cannot bear my negative thoughts and the way I sabotage my chance to be happy one day with all the doubts,self deprecation, self hatred, and all the things the bad in me screams and repeats...

I also bear too many grudges I thought it was over, I thought I really was over them.better off alone, better off away from those who abandonned me...
yet it still hurt as hell.

I really don't know what I'm expecting from this venting, I really dont know if anyone can have the magic words to heal my mind, to make me feel understood or something.
I just know that so many people out there in this world must just feel like I do these days.
They must feel this solitude, this no one to talk to ,no one to relate to, no one to reach...and feeling so useless as if we were already dead

life is so short after all,but it's just as it it was already close to be finished, I dont know how to express this.
maybe because I can't see further, I am stuck
I hate the way I behave, the way I see things in black or white and can't be positive anymore due to too many disapointments.

will this change for good?
will I finally never come to that place again and feel I hate myself for not being able to love anyone because I have been so hurt, because I feel most people are uninteresting or too normal?
why am I so arrogant sometimes? why am I envious? isn t this pathetic? don't I want something better for me?

I'm quite sure I can be a better person. I just need to find my way.
I cannot believe I can end up being this sad again.
I just wish I could love again could sense humanity again, I'm getting so egocentric ,locked in my shell, blind by my fears of future, loving and being hurt and betrayed again(friendship is so impossible for me...and yet I dream of a friend...)

well if you don't have any wise or caring words you still can give me a spiritual hug, that's better than nothing, I'm so alone...

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[01 Mar 2007|11:35am]

_wasted_tears

[

mood

nostalgic

]

Self-Injury: You are NOT the only one.

Thursday, March 1, 2007 is SI Awareness Day.

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Plain Orange - Active self injurer
Orange & White - Recovered/Trying to stop self injurer
Yellow & Orange - Suicidal & self injurer

Blue and Red - Depression/Mental Illness and Eating Disorders

Plain Red - Anorexia
Red & Orange - Ana & SI
Red, Orange, White - Recovered
Plain Purple: Bulimia
Purple & Orange - Mia & SI
Purple, Orange, White - Recovered

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[13 Nov 2005|08:18pm]

girl2luv19

[

mood

sick

]

I check this community everyday, I dont even know why I do now. This journal, is basically dead. I'd like to get it going agian, but I deffinitly dont want to get a warning from Livejournal again for promoteing, which was stupid.

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[18 Sep 2005|01:02am]

xleathernlacex

Avalanche is sullen and too thin
she starves herself to rid herself of sin
and the kick is so divine when
she sees bones beneath her skin
and she says:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c'mon baby can you bleed like

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[12 Aug 2005|12:24am]

girl2luv19

I just realized, well I realized it a while ago. But not a lot of people write in here. :(. I'd promote, but I got warned from Livejournal for it. Kind of stupid. W/e. I think that people should update this more though. I don't really have anything to write. I'm kind of 'numb' as people would call it, right now. But I can probably help some people out. IM me 'Ayler15' <33 Ayla

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[26 Jul 2005|02:43pm]

hidemysuicide

[

mood

sore from the walk home.

]

i came out to my mom last night. (about cutting)

i wish i hadnt told her when i was screaming/crying at her, but i could never do it when i was calm.

so...

::shrug::

6 comments|post comment

[18 Jul 2005|02:38am]

_wasted_tears

I made a new community, I'd love for any of you to go ahead and join it, and promote where ever.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/_broken_wishes/

&hearts
Lauri

4 comments|post comment

[06 Jul 2005|01:37pm]

starve_me_weak

Okay.. so I just joined and I suppose Im introducing myself, but I have no idea what to say so I'll just start with the basics... My name is Rebecca (Bex) I live in The Nethelands, Im 15 years old... And i decided to join this community... because... i like hearing other peoples stories that in some way relate to what my life is about. IF that makes any sense =D

Looking through the interests of the community I recongised myself in alot of them... i have an eating disorder, i used to be on anti-depressants but i stopped taking them because they made me gain weight... and i just didnt like thme... im alone, scared (scarred), and I suppose Im loved too. Im bipolar and im bisexual... im a "self harmer" and im pretty much always occupied with death... i show it in my art, writing and poetry (or so ive been told) and just the way i talk act and dress. Im buddhist and a vegetarian. Ive been abused in multiple ways by a few people, my father being the main one. I dont like letting my emotions out or really talking about them... but I find it easier in a community like this where people are more likely to understand what im babbling on about. I have a phobia of everything... im paranoid, scared of people, animals... and a whole load of other things but not all the time. Sometimes im a huge risk taker which is why i enjoy "extreme" sports like skateboarding, snowboarding, surfing... and stuff like that. I have alot of scars.. physical ones and emotional scars.. but i try not to let them get in the way of things, ive ran away from home once, but i decided to go back because i was the last one left to leave my mom and i couldnt bring myself to hurt her. Now i live with my mom and its the best its ever been... i still have to see my dad though which im not so happy about but ill deal with it... as long as he doesnt lay his hands on me again. This year so far Ive tried to kill myself 8 times but I realise I need to stop. I have recently met the most amazing guy who has been looking after me... which is good. It seems like maybe things might be looking up for me.

Wow.. i just wrote an essay... well... Ill just say some other quick things and be done with it... Bands I like; Nirvana, Metallica, Incubus, Rammstein, System of a down... and things I like doing; writing, poetry, art, photography, IT stuff, reading and music in general (playing wiht "the band", singing, playing my guitar and stuff like that). I think thats it...

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[16 Jun 2005|01:07pm]

whokilledsaruh

4 months.
gone.

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PHOTO HELL

[13 Jun 2005|08:19pm]

whokilledsaruh

HERE ARE SOME UPDATED PICTURES:

okay, other than that, life is hell for me right now. i feel like i'm going threw a midlife chrisis [i didn't spell that right]... i had THREE panic attacks today for no good reason. things are so fucking complicated. i talked to brandon about cutting again & he reluctantly told me he would love me no matter what... i'm quite proud of my 4 months... however... i just don't know how much longer i can pretend that i'm stronger than i'm not. goodnight everyone-

2 comments|post comment

[NEWBIE]

[12 Jun 2005|11:17am]

whokilledsaruh

Hello loves: my name is Saruh Jardine. I'm 16 & I have been cutting since i was 8 years old...

SO YOUR CAUGHT UP, HERE'S SOME VISUALS:

12 comments|post comment

[03 Jun 2005|11:24pm]

bwook

Well I just thought I'd make a quick post and let everyone know what I'm up to, erm been spendng the last couple of weeks revsing for my exams, and looking after my lovely little nephew, and I know it sounds weird because preparing for big exams and looking after a baby are associated with as stressful, but it's been very carming and tranquil time in my life. So yes I may be boring, but boring is good...

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[10 May 2005|08:38pm]

facingmyreality

[

mood

drained

]

hey, im jess. 16 yrs old. just saying hi. i joined cuz i needed people to talk to that would understand, and sadly the only people that will are complete strangers, although i like making new friends. thats it for now, ill write more soon.

7 comments|post comment

[09 May 2005|04:12pm]

alainacutie

im a F-A-I-L-U-R-E

6 comments|post comment

[08 May 2005|09:13pm]

dudeimintheband

I just want to stop.

That's all. I wish I could say it was that simple, that all I have to do is say "Im not going to do this anymore" and then BOOM, just like that, it'll be a distant memory, and I won't have to deal with it anymore.

But it's not that simple.

And no one....not my family, my friends....none of them seem to understand that. None of them seem to understand that washing dishes is hard on me. That when I see a knife, all I can think about is blood. After three years of doing this, you actually think I can quit that easily? But I am trying, oh GOD am I trying. I don't want to be doomed to do this when Im an adult, be a mother who when my kids yell at me, I'll lock myself up in the bathroom and not come out until the blood and the tears are off the floor.

But still, all I get from them are suspicious glanes at any tiny scar, and when I have my sleeves rolled up they look at my arms to see if I have had any recent talks with my razor. But you know what? I haven't. Not on my arms atleast, and not anywhere else for some time. I know it's just concern for me. But would it make them feel any better to see those red lines? To give them one more reason to yell at me, to send me away fom this godforsaken house?

I don't know what to do anymore, except try harder. And they think smoking is hard to quit.

2 comments|post comment

[07 May 2005|12:24pm]

girl2luv19

[

mood

pissed off

]

I got a livejournal abuse notice for promoteing this journal. I thought that was pretty rude...just want to let everyone else know, to watch out where you promote, becuase some people are rude and like to send an abuse thing....

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[04 May 2005|04:07pm]

scars_of_you

i cut for the first time in a year. deeper then ever before. yesterday wasnt a good day. on top of that they're trying to find a medicine that makes my anxiety go away not worse.. i went to every playground in my town around 1130ish (night) and cut on each one, just one cut. not always hard but enough for a drop of blood to fall. sometimes i think there really is something wrong with me...

sg

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[02 May 2005|01:42am]

alainacutie

CRITIQUE....please ♥

see my tummy gettin thinner
see my arms real thin
wanna feel your bones on my bones
wanna feel you movin in
you can see my hipbones baby
ribs and backbones, sternum too
you can see all my bones baby
but theres more to show to you

can you see the cuts on my wrist?
see the burns on my hand?
see the pain in my eyes?
save me from whats within
heal all my wounds tonight love
dont leave me home alone
or ill start a new collection
of my red ruby stones

can you hear her as she whispers
ana's up to it again
she yells at me all day long
and at night there is no end
she tells me when ive had too much
which is just one bite of bread
she always makes me suffer
please get out of my head

you can save me from my sicknes
from my cuts and broken soul
you can sew my heart up baby
once again i can be whole

X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X

crimson tears
leaking from my self-inflicted wounds
when will my wounds heal?
when will i be fixed?
for now i am broken
broken and crying
my dark crimson tears

X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X

sitting in the dark
the dark deep pit of my depression
waiting for the end
waiting for someone to save me
but for now i will sit and cry from my wounds
for it is the only thing left i know how to do right

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[28 Apr 2005|10:27pm]

bwook

Well, I havent posted her in a while, hope you folks are all ok, I dont know many of you but you'll all have to let me know how you've been.
Anyway, I've been pretty happy recently, ehich 9no offene) is probably why I hacvent posted, I've had a few bad days the odd temper tantrum but it's been pretty good. i'm leaving school soon, so it's all getting pretty emotional getting people to sign my leaving book and knowing full well I'll never see some of them again, it's really upsetting...

4 comments|post comment

[23 Apr 2005|02:47am]

littlecreep

Does anyone know what art therapy is? What you do and all that?
I have never expereanced this kind and I would just like to know what I might be doing. I was told I would be asked to paint and then discuss the painting... but does anyone have any more than that? Has anyone been to it?

x posted.

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