mine

{wow}

ireallyreallyreallylovethisman!

Yesterday was one of those days in which his goodness totally amazed me.

from start to finish.

lucky me.

xo

cupid caught a bug...

...and it might be the saddest thing I've ever seen. :(

Not a lot of smiles today, but lots of snuggly lovin' for mama!

Happy Valentine's Day!

really?!?

one year ago this very day....

my life was forever and completely changed by a little white stick.

Ok, so actually it was a bunch of white sticks.

I wouldn't say that I had given up on ever finding myself pregnant, but I was surely beyond even hopefully expecting it.

I had stopped tracking every day of my cycle and long since given up on the every single month pregnancy tests.

After aggressively trying for nearly 3 years, tons of procedures, lots of drugs and constant bad news and let-downs... we were starting to move on to other options.

We were mid-way through the adoption application process, having completed all of our letters of recommendations, education classes, background checks and the first round of interviews.

Along with that, I had begun some alternative treatments to help balance my body out after a long road of endless clomid and other fertility drugs.

Finally after a lot of heartache, we were feeling some peace about where we were headed.

It was the week that we were house sitting for our neighbors who were in Costa Rica and watching their 4 kids. It was a bit of a crazy week, (more about that here) Chris and I were both going non-stop and usually in different directions through-out the week trying to get everyone where they needed to go.

It was a Wednesday morning, I took the littlest peewee to preschool and then joyfully welcomed the 3 hours that I would have all to myself!

First on the agenda was my weekly acupuncture appt, something that I had actually started to look forward to each week, and if there was ever a week that I needed that meditation time, it was that week!!

When I arrived and did the usual catch-up with Lisa, one of the questions that she always asked was what day of my cycle I was on. Because she specializes in women's health, the pressure points that she focuses on each week depend specifically on what part of your cycle you are on.

I had to think for a minute, before telling her that I was on day 33. Nothing unusual there, I was used to having semi irregular cycles and day 33 wasn't any more unusual than day 23.

She proceeded to ask (to my annoyance) if I was having any symptoms that would indicate that auntie florence was on her way or maybe even indications of a pregnancy.

Nope. (again, nothing unusual there)

"Well, we'll just do this treatment as if you could possibly be pregnant then."

Excuse me? Are you kidding me!! I don't get pregnant!!

That's why I'm here, remember?!

Honestly, I remember feeling so irritated that she was even insinuating that. My normal quiet, tranquil period was now full of angst and what ifs all of the sudden.

After leaving Lisa's office, I had to stop at the grocery store and pick up a couple of things with my last hour of free time. My mind was still on "we'll just do this treatment as if you could be pregnant"

I knew that I would drive myself crazy with wonder, (something I had felt I'd finally "gotten over") so a twin pack of epts somehow ended up in my cart.

I had to stop by our house to pick up some clean clothes and a few things, so the first thing I did?

Yep... you guessed it?

Like so many times before, I remember sitting there with my pants around my ankles watching the 2 vertical lines show up pretty quickly, but then something that had never happened before... slowly a horizontal line started to appear, clearing making a + sign.

Here's where I wish there had been a little recorder going in my mind.

You must have done it wrong. Wait...how do you do it wrong? You just pee. You've peed on hundreds of these. But, you don't get pregnant. That can't be right. This one's bad. Something's wrong.

After a big drink of water and about 7 minutes and 23 seconds, the second stick was ripped open and there we went again.

Same thing. Another clear +

They must be expired. Nope, not until 2012. Maybe it's a bad batch. I should note this lot number. (and on and on and on)

The crazy thing is that never once, not even once did I ever think of calling Chris, which seems so crazy to me now. I was convinced that it couldn't really be true and I didn't want to disappoint him.

By now, it was time to go pick up peewee from preschool. So I did what any other doubter might do.... I stopped at RiteAid and bought every single brand of pregnancy tests that they had. Yep, every single one.

$84 worth, thankyouverymuch.

I spent the afternoon watching UP with peewee, drinking water, eating gross mickey mouse shaped chicken nuggets and sneaking off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so to pee on another stick.

One after another showed the various positive results; pregnant, +, ll.

For some reason, I still couldn't believe it and I still hadn't told Chris. I didn't want to tell him over the phone and it certainly wasn't something that I could send him a text message about. He was headed straight from work to take the boys to their basketball games, so I didn't really have much of an opportunity, even if I'd wanted to. (atleast the right kind of opportunity)

So... off I went to YW that evening, with my secret and the littlepeewee in tow.

We went "heart-attacking" that night, all the while my heart felt like it was attacking!!

I got home, got the kids to bed before remembering that Chris was heading off to his 9pm basketball double header. It's churchball season, you know. So, I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow. I.n.s.a.n.e, right?

By the time I called my doctor the next morning, I had 8 positive white sticks in front of me... (eight)

The conversation went a little like this:

"I think I might be pregnant"

"What do you mean, you *think* you might be pregnant?"

"ummm, I tested positive on a pregnancy test, actually quite a few of them"

"Well, you know, they're pretty accurate?"

After some more back and forth and plenty of emotion on my end, I was scheduled to be seen within the hour. Peewee was off to the neighbors and I was on my way, by myself, because you see... my babydaddy still had absolutely no idea what was going on.

The first thing the nurse had me do was a urine sample before getting me to an exam room. It wasn't long before Dr M came in with a little white stick in his hand. The only thing he said, was a question...

"How many of these tests is it going to take for you to believe that you are pregnant? Congratulations!"

The tears came almost instantly and the final confirmation was the blood test, nearly 24 hours after it had all began in Lisa's office the day prior.

I cried (sobbed, really) all the way home as it finally started to sink in and I realized that I was going to get to give Chris the best.news.ever, the very thing that we'd prayed, pleaded and begged for!

All evening, I kept telling Chris that I needed him to help me get the kids' homework done and off to bed early, because I had a surprise for him, a bit of an early Valentines Day present. :)

I could tell that he was excited as his mind immediately started spinning. I'm quite certain that he was expecting something very, very different. But those thoughts motivated him to get the kids in bed a bit faster!

And finally in bed that night, nearly 36 hours after that very first postive test... I presented him with a little Valentines gift to open:

and nothing has ever been the same.

(thanks, if you're still reading. I've been wanting to write this all down for a while now.)

my little pal....

There's pretty much nothing better than having an adorable little assistant to help you make afternoon treats!

And from the looks of things...

... she's a girl after my own heart!

♥ pure ♥

four on the fourth

a.whole.nother month has zipped by in our world and it seems that all we had to do was blink.
This last month or so have brought us much relief, comfort and stability about our new brand of "normal"...
I finally believe (cuz I'm experiencing it) that there is in fact "real" life after newborns... something that I doubted those first few weeks/months of rarely venturing out of the bedroom!

I wish you could hear the sounds coming out of her mouth in this picture. So many happy yells and squeals.

I think she's letting me know that she's tired of the camera in her face today! :)


Leah had her 4 month well-check today and she pretty much dazzled Dr Suzy with her charm, grins and giggles. (something I'm totally used to her doing to me daily)

4 month stats

*13lbs 8oz

*25 inches long

*42.25cm head circumference

And here's a bit more of what we've (meaning she's) been up to lately:

Leah's first wedding... my nephew Colby and his dazzling, darling bride Rashell




Discovering toys and finding her favorites:
(sophie the giraffe, snuggly bunny blankie, and easy to handle links)


Most of them find their way straight into her mouth!


...but her favorite chew toys are still her hands! She is fascinated with figuring out how to make them work and nearly always has them in her mouth.
(and she still loves bathtime)


Always smiling for mama and finally starting to fill out her 3-6 mth clothes

She is totally fascinated with mirrors. She is totally content to sit, talk, smile and laugh with that cute little friend she's found in the mirror for long periods of time.
(it *might* just be one of my favorite things that she's doing right now)

We really do spend lots of long afternoons in front of the mirror, singing songs to our fun friends who sing right back! :)

She is getting really good at sitting up in her bumbo. She's loving being right in the middle of things with us.

She still isn't a huge fan of tummy time, although she is getting better at it.
She tries really hard to reach for her toys... but sooner or later she gives up and just lays her head down and waits for it to be over. It's pretty much adorable...

- She is still sleeping through the night for the most part, with occasional late night or early morning wake-ups

- Naps have gotten much better, she's taking 2-3 naps lasting anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours

- She loves watching sports with her daddy. She's pretty disinterested in the TV unless a basketball or football game is on.

- She's a total daddy's girl. She saves her best smiles and giggles just for him.

- She almost always wakes up happy and smiley

- She likes to have her diaper changed.

- She's still a great eater and other than an occasional bottle of pumped milk, is still exclusively breastfeeding.

- She doesn't take a binkie. Although we have tried several times, she has never been interested in it. There's both good and bad in that.

- She still only sleeps swaddled tightly... a habit we need to try and break, as she's getting to big and strong. (any ideas?)

- It's looking nearly certain that her eyes will be a greenish-brown

- I love her more every.single.day and feel so lucky to be her mama and buddy.

This face seriously makes my heart squeal!

xox

02.03.07

On this very night, four{4} years ago, after an afternoon at the spa getting fresh fingers and toes, I was here, in an amazing double-suite dancing, laughing, celebrating, feasting on takeout from here and pretty much having the time of my life with a handful of my favorite lovelies....

It was literally one of the most fun nights of my life!

And if you can even believe it, things got even better the next morning as, with the help of many, I primped and fussed...

so I could go here to marry the most amazing boy I've ever known.

I knew that night that he was the one for me and that I was making the right decision... but I had no idea just how lucky I really was.

Mister J. is postively the best thing that has e.v.e.r happened to me. The last 4 years have consisted of some of my lowest lows and no doubt my highest highs. He has been my constant rock, my best friend, confidant, cheerleader, travel buddy, sounding board, shoulder to lean on and the best babydaddy I could ever ask for!

~Happy Anniversary CJ~

I pretty much dig you to the moon and back!