Looking back at 2008 and the story of how I met my boyfriend.

This year went by very fast. Faster than any other year I can remember. In a couple days, it will be the year 2009. And frankly, it's gonna be an interesting one.

2008 marks the year that I finally became honest with (most) people with my sexual orientation. I realized I enjoyed men when I was 13 or 14 (before that, I thought it was just a phase - boy was I wrong). I think I finally accepted being attracted to men around age 16 or 17. But it took another two years or so - right before turning 19 - for me to come out as a young gay man. My brother knew by spring break (March) and I told Mom two days after I came home for the summer.

As I wrote in my last entry, I want to come out to my Dad in 2009. In the last couple years, he has gone from complete homophobe to indifferent (that's a good thing imo). He no longer complains about his flamming gay co-worker and whenever we see gay people he doesn't say anything negative anymore. Maybe this is a sign that he is ready to know.

2008 also brought my first relationship ever, and the loss of my virginity. I met my boyfriend in Chinese class in late March. Here's how the story goes: In February, I met this other cute gay asian guy (not bf) while we were both helping out with our Lunar New Year Festival (Chinese New Year basically). We started talking a lot, and he actually helped me come out. He was the first person I told. And I thank him for being supportive and not immediately trying to jump me (at first haha. he later kinda jokingly tackled me to the ground after a few weeks of getting to know each other - I think i've written about it before).

One day we were eating lunch together, and my soon-to-be bf (E) walked by. Other cute asian guy (Let's call him D) said, "Do you know him? He's REALLY cute!" I said I recognized him from Chinese class. So, the next day, D went with me to Chinese class and he couldn't stop looking at E. It was funny.

A few weeks later, we had midterms, and on the day of, my partner and I had our oral exam right after E and his partner's. When they left the classroom, E came over to my partner and I and said "You two should have no problem with it since you guys are basically fluent in Chinese. Good luck!" And he walked off. I was shocked that he would even come talk to me. Somehow in my mind he was like this unattainable and ripest fruit at the top of a fruit tree. And he had spoken to me.

After my midterm, I rushed back to my room and immediately friended him on Facebook. A few days later (over spring break), he randomly instant messaged me, apparently because he was bored. So we chatted for the next few days. I remember thinking to myself, wow he's a really funny guy! And cute to boot too!

After Chinese class on our first day back at school, I caught up with him in the hallway. We had a very awkward conversation all the way back to the dining commons, where we parted ways. This went on for the next week or so. The next week, he asked me out on what he claims to be a date. But looking back, he just asked "Hey, do you wanna grab Indian food with a couple friends and I later this week?" Ok, casual date maybe. I awkwardly replied, "uhh.. Lemme check my schedule and I'll get back to you" (A couple weeks ago, he admitted it was "REALLY fucking hard for me to get you to agree to go out on a date." I LOL-ed because at the time, I really had no idea he was asking me out. How naive.

The "first date" went fine. We actually went with his best friend and her boyfriend - I guess he wanted to ask of their approval first. Over the next couple weeks, the two of us saw more of each other and I soon drove to his apartment on Friday nights to watch movies and play video games with him. All the meanwhile, I thought we were "just friends". We hadn't even done anything yet though.

On the first of May (a Thursday), we watched Kill Bill. During the movie, I slowly leaned towards him on the couch (which is huge, but I decided to sit right next to him). He apparently didn't get the message. After the movie, I slowly got up and reluctantly said "Guess I should be going back to school now huh?"

He said, "Oh, right." and walked me to the door. I had the biggest urge to just hug him and give him a peck on the cheek, but felt that was too inappropriate for our dynamic. He jokingly shoo'ed me away.

When I got back to my dorm, we imed for another 2 hours.

Around midnight, here's how our conversation went (copy and pasted from saved convo):

me: Anyway I've got class tomorrow early, so I better go to bed. Goodnight!
E: Wait, I've got something to tell you and since I'm a McChicken, I'm gonna tell you online where I can hide behind my computer rather than tell you in person...
me: ok. what's up?
E: It's pretty obvious that I like you.
me: What?? I had no idea...
E: yeah, when you left, I didn't know what to do but to shoo you away. I usually don't have this kind of hesitation with guys, but with you, it's different.

And the rest is history. We became offcial (as in Facebook) the next day. We are counting the first as our "day we met" thing. So New Years Day will be our Eight Months. Granted, we only saw each other twice over summer, but we talked nearly every day on the phone. We have had ups and downs (some quite bad), but in the end, I think being with him has been a lovely experience. I can't say that we are definitely going to end up as life partners (in fact, most likely not), but our relationship has created a kind of love that will hopefully last a lifetime, no matter what happens.

Ok so that ended up being more of a story than a reminiscence (I hate spelling that word, but couldn't think of any better)...

Anyway, kinda caught a cold last night. Been congested and sore throat all day. Don't even know if we're still going to LA anymore - thanks to my brother not having finished his college apps yet. Maybe I'll drive down by myself haha.

New Years Resolutions

I haven't really thought about this, but I'll give it a try. Off the top of my head, my new years resolutions are:

1. Get back into shape! I checked my blood pressure the other day at a pharmacy with one of those bp measuring machines (not highly accurate, but pretty close i think). My bp is 140/70. The first part is bad (normal is <120). 140 puts me in stage 1 Hypertension. Wow... And half a year ago i WAS at 120/60. Look what a few months of exercising less can do. Yikes.

(Edit: Dec 27, 2008.) This also includes my goal of actually working out and looking good. In high school, I did Tae Kwon Do (martial art), Cross Country, and Track. Those were probably the healthiest times I've ever been. I wanna go back to that physical state and be more atheletic. It might sound silly (and a touch superficial or shallow), but in terms of physical appearance, the bf is "hotter" than me. He's toned, slim, and looks great in fitted clothing. I'm by no means overweight or anything, but I've definitely let go a little ever since starting college. It's time to change that.

2. Come out to my dad. I came out for the first time to another gaysian (as in, Gay Asian) whom I had just met a few weeks ago. Next was my roommate (S). Third was my younger brother (his reaction has been my favorite thus far: "Oh... well it doesn't really matter. You're my brother - I'll love you no matter what." And whenever we pass buy a hot guy, he'll always say something like "Oh that guy was pretty good looking huh?" I love him.) But back to Dad. I imagine it would be very hard to come out to him because he's not exactly the most accepting person in the world. He can be very judgmental and opinionated at times. Once, at dinner about a year ago, my mom jokingly asked what my dad would do if either my brother or I turned out to be gay. He said "I'd kill myself". Joking, but that still hurt. Also, he had a major heart attack last year, and has had chronic skin problems (eczema and psoriasis I think) for the last few years. Lots of stress. And I don't want to contribute to it. So as of now, I am still not out to him even though I've found myself to be more and more comfortable with my sexuality.

3. Do better in school. I got my grades back yesterday. A- in Chinese, B in History, B in Abnormal Child Psych, and C in Developmental Psych (I was so relieved about the last one). My gpa for the semester turned out to be a 2.9 something. Which sucks because it lowered my cumulative GPA (3.03 overall now). Next semester I'm gonna have a class at 8 am twice a week. I already know I'll have trouble getting up just for it but I have to. Wish me luch with that lol.

4.

5.

6.

I'll come back to this at some point after thinking about it more.

Today is Christmas Eve. To those who celebrate Christmas, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

To those who don't, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Rick Warren to give invocation at Obama's inauguration

This is probably old news, but I decided to do a post on it anyway.

President-elect Obama has invited Rick Warren of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, CA to talk at his inauguration. This is a big deal because:

1. Rick Warren believes that homosexuality is not a natural way of life (there are gay animals in the wild, FOR FUCK'S SAKE).
2. Rick Warren is against gay-marriage and believes LGBT people are immature and promiscuous. He even compares homosexuality to rape, incest, adultery, and molesting children.
3. Obama has claimed to be in favor of equal rights for LGBT people right? But by seeing him choose someone who is so obviously against gay people, how can he back up his claim now? I'm kinda disappointed Warren was even invited. Who knows, maybe Obama's true colors are beggining to show.

Watch this video. See for yourselves...



He is a _____ (insert word of choice here). His responses show how backwards, ignorant, and bigotted people like him are. And I love the fact that Ann Curry (the interviewer) got a bit heated.

SORRY, but I'm being honest with how I feel here.



EDIT: Apparently this guy has done some good in the community



But his reasoning still upsets me. Prop 8's fail would have "cause much more pain for millions"
I think Ann Curry is really pretty.

Anderson Cooper!! He's a hot silver fox, that one.



Rachel Maddow - she's great!



OK enough videos for this post I think :D

The Visit, Jerry Brown speaks out against Prop 8 passing, and Melee

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A visit

This morning S went in for knee surgery (he had injured himself about a month ago) for a torn meniscus(?). I logged into my AIM and he messaged me soon after that asking if I could go visit him at home today or tomorrow. He said he's lonely. Hmmm...

I'm gonna visit him tomorrow, maybe bring some homemade cookies and/or flowers :D

As of now it's just gonna be me visiting him tomorrow. Maybe we'll catch a movie or something... But he's pretty immobilized for a few days.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting him to ask me to visit. Then again, I've never had surgery that required me to stay in bed all day so maybe it's just loneliness that has settled in.

Either way, I was hoping to hang out with him at school, but never got the chance to thanks to finals. So this will be a nice chance to just relax and catch up. I'm looking forward to it.

Happy Holidays!!!

end of the semester

I am done with my first semester of my second year of college! time goes by fast when you're having fun haha.

none of my finals were as hard as i thought they would be so i'm happy about that. also, i got an A on my history paper, and the final was pretty easy so I might have pulled an A over all.

B in abnormal child psychology, probably a C in developmental psych, and hopefully an A in Chinese.

Going to the the bf's tonight to celebrate. and then mom's picking me up tomorrow afternoon.

will update when I get home.

love to all, and good luck to those who still have finals!! :)

Someone jacked off in the library bathroom

Was in the library for 7 hours today from 11 to 6. Bf joined me at noon, but since he forgot his essay at home, he had to retype it on his new and print it out. When he was done, he wanted to use my computer even though he could have printed from the laptops that the library loans out. But no, he's too fucking lazy. And I didn't have the software downloaded that you need to print from your own computer in library, and when I told him that he started to freak out and accused me of never letting him use my computer, even though I had told him that my computer didn't have the necessary things.

So he stomped off to borrow a school laptop and came back complaining about how all he wanted was some help and that the school laptops were so slow. By that point, I had had enough bullshit, so I said "Well I didn't leave my essay at home." And people started looking at us because although we were talking in hushed voices, it was obvious there was tension.

The school laptop was taking "too long" so he just forcefully asked to use my laptop. I didn't wanna cause any more ruckus so I just said "Fine just take it. I really have to study."

So he took it and downloaded all the software and went to print it out. And when he came back to get ready for class, he was still unhappy and said "I don't understand why you don't want to help me." I was ready to punch him or something because he was being such a spoiled brat and was causing so much fuss in front of everyone. But I kept my cool and just continued reading my notes.

He left at 1 and I went back to studying. I took a bathroom break and when I was washing my hands, I noticed a streak of white on the faucet head.

Jizz. It looked fresh too. My immediate reaction was ahhhhh grosssssss!!!!!! But a few seconds later, I started thinking how awesome/funny it would have been to have caught the guy right in the act, especially if he was hot. Deep down, I'm kind of a perv. It must be exhilerating to jack off, knowing that at any point, someone could just walk in and catch you. Not gonna lie, it sounds kinda fun. But I could never do it...

Anyway back to the story. At 3, one of the private rooms was free so a friend and I took it. At 5, bf called and asked what I wanted for dinner - he was offering to bring me food, which was nice. But I declined saying I had to cram and didn't have time to eat. He said he'd bring food anyway, so I said ok. But by 5:40 he hadn't arrived so I called to tell him not to cuz my psych final was at 6. Turns out he was still eating and was gonna bring food after he finished. Hah.

The final was easier than the last two midterms only because the friend I was studying with had obtained last year's final from her friend and she shared the wealth with me. It was the exact same version of last years test. Except, I know I didn't ace it because the short answer questions were different. But that's ok. I needed a C on the final to get a C overall in class (which is what I was aiming for because that class was SO HARD). My other classes will balance out the C GPA-wise.

After the psych final, I had my chinese final. That was easy cuz it was open note. Aced that shit.

I had only had a cup of coffee and a granola bar all day, so I was pretty famished. My jeans that are normally on the tight side were actually looser today. After Chinese, I rushed to the cafeteria and got pasta, scalloped potatoes, and teriyaki chicken stir fry. Things taste better when you're hungry. I came back to my room and ate it all within 5 minutes.

I went to check up on S cuz he still has a a midterm and finals. He had bought a dozen donuts and said he'd saved me one. I responded with an "AWWWWW Thanks" *big grin* He handed me a napkin and told me to help myself. There were 2.5 left - I picked a glazed one. Ah, nothing like a donut to treat yourself after 3 finals... and it tasted better.

Gonna stay with the bf tonight. I told him I wanted to talk about the whole computer ordeal. He needs to know that I wasn't trying to prevent him from doing his work, and that he really needs to step back sometimes and look at things from my point of view once in awhile. He could have avoided this whole thing if he hadn't forgotten his essay. Or, he could have borrrowed a laptop first thing when arriving on campus. But no, he just HAD to bother me and to use my computer, which btw, I was using to read my notes. Plus, I think it was a lesson for him to learn as well. He is quite irresponsible and at times very empty headed and unprepared.

Ok I'm done ranting. Hopefully we'll be ok tonight. We just had a mini discussion online about the cleanliness of his place (it's not the cleanest). I'm not the biggest neat freak out there, but I like tidiness and being able to walk around indoors without stepping on food morsels everywhere. He said "it's been hard keeping it up to your standards this past week cuz of finals and stuff" and he could have stayed up and cleaned for an hour, but he had to do work. But I know for a fact that last night after he finished his essay, he watched TV. And I don't have the guts to call his bluff. And wtf, "keeping it up to my standards"? He's being honest, I know. But it sounds like it's too much of a hassle for him to make me just a little happier.

I'm crossing my fingers that we don't fight. I'm not trying to pick an argument, but sometimes the things he says can be accusational, whether he knows it or not.

One final to go on Tuesday. Yayyy!

First Final down

Three more to go. Holy crap is this gonna take a toll...

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I got in bed at 1:30 and laid there for over an hour. The last time I checked the time it was 2:45 and I still stayed awake for a bit after that.

My roommate slept at his friend's house last night. Some girl he used to be best friends with and only recently started talking to again and for whom he's starting to develop feelings for but she has a boyfriend of 3 years. Sorry for the run on. Apparently he's trying to reconnect with her and wants to get together, which makes him a homewrecker... ugh. He busted into our room this morning at around 8:45 and I was rudely awakened. And then he proceeded to go in and out of the room at least 8 times, opening and closing the door each time. I should ask him to just leave the door open if he's gonna enter and exit like that.

Got out of bed at 9:15 and got ready for the final. Had coffee, a banana, and tater tots (I know, double fried..) for breakfast. The final was pretty hard. But luckily I did extra credit for that class, so I should end up with at least a B. Finished an hour early so I went to the library to study. But was barely able to because they were having fucking tour groups. During finals week?! WTF man? People need to study so get your loud asses out of here.

In History, we reviewed what's on the final and the prof basically told us how to take the test (essays style). He gave us possible outlines to do. How nice.

Grabbed lunch to go with the bf and came back to my room. Napped for a bit (he didn't sleep at all last night because he had an essay and portfolio). He left at 3 and I hung out with S a bit. He's very stressed for finals as well (who isn't?) because he's doing worse than last year academically. I want(ed) to give him a hug. He apologized for not telling me about In N Out last night. That made me feel better.

Also, an anonymous commenter commented on my previous entry: "It seems like "s" misses you. It was a snide reply, but maybe he'd like having you around more... a comment on more than your scarcity? Maybe he does not want "space" but his friend back."

Thank you for pointing that out. I was too focused on being left out that I didn't see that maybe my absence might make him think I'm avoiding him or something. Granted, I have been spending pretty much every weekend (from Thursday night to Sunday night) with the bf, so maybe he's jealous or sad I spend more time with bf than him?? Ahh who knows......

Ok back to cramming for finals, which actually means:

F -fuck
I - I
N - never
A - actually
L - learned (this)
S - shit

lololgonnagetscrewed.

Left out

Studying isn't going so well.

This weekend with the bf was pretty fun. We had taco night and he invited some of his friends over. Stupid me ended up cleaning up most of the mess afterwards though. Ugh... I took it upon myself :/

I know I haven't blogged about him in awhile, but I feel like I have to...

S, J (his freshman "girlfriend"), and our suitemate just got back from In N Out. And S didn't invite me even though he knows that's my favorite fast food place. When I asked why I wasn't invited, he said "Sometimes I forget you live here..." Yeah, right. I have been nothing but nice, easygoing, and giving him space over the last couple months (especially since I admitted I still had feelings for him).

I put girlfriend in quotations because yeah, they're going out, but there isn't much physical attraction going on. At least from what I see. They haven't even kissed. And this happened with the last girl he was seeing. I know it's not in my place to say anything... but I can't help thinking. Yeah, I'm overanalyzing again.

Anyway, it's getting late. My first final is in 9 hours. Should be ok. I'm more worried about my other finals which I've barely started studying for...

Wish it was the 17th right now. I'll be at home, enjoying homecooked meals and carefreeness.

Good luck to everyone with finals!!

Final Exams

I am pretty screwed. Finals are coming up. Three next week (Abnormal Child Psych, Developmental Psych, and Chinese) and one on the 16th (history).

Need a friggin' miracle.

Friday is my brother's birthday. Can't go home to celebrate, so I mailed him a card today.

And it's also the bf's birthday... We are going to cook and watch Wanted. And of course, gonna do some other things as well. Hehehehhhhh.

Stay warm!

PS: This week is global AIDS/HIV Awareness week.

Be safe - Use protection!!!!!!

What if someone had asked?

^ This was posted on the PostSecret website today.

Before I came out, nobody had seriously sat down to have a talk and really ask if I was gay. Especially in high school, people were always joking around, calling each other "fag" or "homo" but never really realized how painful it was for someone who was actually gay to hear that.

It didn't help that there were only about 5 kids who were out as LGBT. But now that I think about it, I could have just introduced myself to them and found support there. I was too scared and naive though.

So, I want to take the time and ask those who read my blog and are in the closet or unsure about their sexual orientation:

Are You Gay?

(Or LBTQIAP...)

No need to answer here. Just ask yourself. And remember... it's perfectly normal.

Much love,
David

PS: resources for coming out from Matt's DTB blog

Last chance

Yesterday the bf did admit he can be hard to deal with sometimes. And he told me a professor/his boss even suggested he go to therapy to talk about his problems so we'll see how that goes.

This is the last chance I'm giving him. I'm very sure of it. If things get worse (and I hope it won't) I will do what I gotta do, even if it means breaking his heart.

Don't worry about me - I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Love, hugs, and kisses to all :)

we talked for like 3 hours. and i even read my letter (with many a tears). but he wouldn't give up without a fight.

we're gonna try to make things better. he was very sincere about wanting to try to change.
i know you're probably like.. omg david stop being a fool.

i know it's really silly and maybe useless to continue this relationship, but he is willing and wanting to change. maybe i have yet to learn my lesson.

and i can't deny him the chance you know?

I hope everyone has a great and Happy Thanksgiving.

Don't know what to do

I feel so lost right now.

Last night the bf came over to my dorm without telling me. So I had no choice but to be forced to talk to him.

He wanted to know what was going on because he had no idea why I left that night. Well I told him how he slammed the door so loud I just had to get the fuck out of there. He still thinks I was disrespectful and rude and immature and cowardly to leave without telling him. And when I asked what he would have done, he said he would have said he was leaving. Yeah right. And then he would have burned my house down (hahha thank you cousin for that).

So we talked for about 2 hours and the tears just kept coming from me. My eyes are puffy today. I told him how I didn't know if the good times were worth going through the bad times. I basically spilled all my feelings about how I feel when he's being a jerk. He said he would never INTENTIONALLY hurt me, and that his reactions are always visceral.

Sounds like a pathetic excuse to me. But he also said that whatever happens will never change the way he feels about me.

If he overreacts unintentionally, is he really ready to be in a relationship where he can put his own feelings second and just step away from the anger for a few moments?

The fact that he's giving me all these excuses (can't control this, can't control that, unintentionally hurting me, visceral reactions...) shows what?

If he can't control himself and be responsible for his own actions, how can he expect me, or anyone else, to put up with him?

He wants to try to work things out. My brain is telling me to get the fuck away form him, but my heart wants to continue what we have. And this couldn't be happening at a worse time.

We are on a break from each other until Wednesday. Which is when I'm supposed to tell him what I want.

This might be it for us

Today everything was going fine and dandy. We watched 007 Casino Royale last night and went to bed at 3. Woke up at noon. He made french toast for us. Watched TV, played some video games. The plan was to go on a double date and watch Star Wars with K and her bf, but it got later and later and by 5, she still hadn't showed up. And the bf and I weren't doing anything either. And I really needed to go do some work back at school.

He got all defensive, asking why I didn't wanna be there. Well I DO want to be there. [But sometimes it's hard to because his place is so filthy and he's got two cats now (I'm very allergic). He knows that I am a clean person and yet when I asked, and even offered, to vacuum his place he declined.] His tone of voice was incredibly vicious. So I got the courage to tell him I can't talk to him when he's getting angry and that's why I close up when he starts getting that way. But he doesn't understand that. He says it's part of him and that he's not gonna change it because that's just always how he's been. All him, him, him. I finally just said that I often feel he treats me like shit.

He said whatever and went to the bathroom and slammed the door so hard I could hear the windows shaking. And I am not one to just take that kind of bullshit. I went online and looked up when the next school shuttle was to arrive. 8 minutes. I stuffed all my stuff into my backpack, left a note saying I can't be around him when he's angry, that if I stayed it would just get worse, and that I still love him. Which, now that I think about it, each time we have an argument I get less and less infatuated with him.

He called twice and left two very nasty voicemails right after I left saying how me leaving was so cowardly and disrespectful. And he thinks the way he treats me is perfectly fine? I got back to my dorm room and he sent a facebook message:

"I don't understand why anyone for any reason would leave while I AM IN THE SHOWER. All it shows is your utter lack of respect for me. I am beyond angry at this point and I'm not quite sure if I can talk to you again without completely ripping your head off. I don't know how to better express this but leaving while I am unable to communicate with you is never the right answer. I would rather have an emotional talk with you than not having any talk at all. This is one of those things I have no tolerance for. I understand that you are you and you cant communicate with me when I have an angry tone of voice. But to not even try AND THEN RUNNING AWAY is just cowardice. I don't know what to do David. I don't know how to deal with something this bad. I don't know what to do because logically, there is only one thing I can do [yeah and you've done it before too. gonna resort to that again?]. When you get this, you better fucking get in touch with me. and disregard the messages i left on your phone. they are my visceral reactions to you leaving."

And that was at 5:45, about 25 minutes after I left. Leaving while he is unable to communicate is never the right answer? What the fuck is this shit?

At 6:30, his facebook status says he's sad. I try signing on AIM invisbly, but he IMs me, saying "stop ignoring me." So I replied "Please. Just leave me alone for a bit." And he says "fine, But I can't guarantee I'll want to talk to you at any later date."

At 7:30, his facebook status now says he's "done."

If that's what he wants, then that's what he's gonna get. Sure, I have my own issues and I'm not perfect. In fact, far from it. And do tell me if I am the one at fault here. At this point, I think I'll be much happier without him. But don't get me wrong, I still care about him. But this is something that cannot go on any longer without taking a toll on me.

Earlier I neglected to say what I'm studying so MaskedAek nicely pointed out... nobody here really knows what I'm studying.

I'm a Psych major (going for BA), and Sociology minor. I think I want to do something like student counseling, especially for LGBTQIA youth. Therapy maybe? So maybe something gender/sexuality/adolescence related?

Any advice/ideas greatly appreciated

Transfer applications

I would like to thank everyone for all the concerns and comments I've gotten over the last few days. It's been pretty emotionally straining, but things are better today.

Yesterday I started my application for UC transfers. I'm not planning on transferring, but I'm doing this to keep my options open. Also because I'm not sure if I can see myself here for another 2 years. Anyway, I probably won't be posting much over the next week because the application is due next Sunday. The bf's not too happy that I'm applying to transfer because he feels like I'm leaving him. But I gotta do what's best for me right? We agreed that if I get into Berkeley or UCLA I should go. But that's highly unlikely since the average GPA of transfer students is 3.5 and 3.3. And I have a 3.1. But we'll see how good my personal statements go. I need ideas...

Prompt #1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I kinda have a few ideas for each already, but advice would be greatly appreciated.

It's kinda funny how my brother and I are applying for colleges at the same time now. I can't believe he's a senior.

Love,
David

Lunch

I just got back from having lunch with the boyfriend. And let's just say it didn't go well.

Got there, some gay freshman was chatting with him about classes. We went to get our food. While we ate we made small talk. And he did notice that I was down and when he asked why, I was like... really? Does he not realize what he said last night on the phone affected me? And then talking about my dad made it even worse.

So I told him I'm just feeling a bit down today. And he didn't take that very well. Really, I just wanted to eat in silence, but he kept talking. He suggested that we cook this weekend, but then I asked him if he was going home (which he was planning on earlier this week).

After a few moments of silence, he said, "this is the second time I'm breaking a five minute silence."..... uh, what does that mean??

Why can't he just leave me alone? You can't FORCE someone to talk when they're not feeling like talking! I told him I wasn't really feeling like talking and that I wasn't angry at him at all.

But I guess he took it poorly. Soon, he went on a rant about how I never plan things for us to do and it's always him who's planning dates (not true) and I never have any input and he's tired of it and wants to take the passenger seat once in awhile.

How can he accuse me like that when I'm obviously not stable right now?

I don't think I can do this anymore. It doesn't seem like being with him is worth all the things he does or says to me. And I hope I'm wrong, but I can't help but feel that this relationship really isn't good for me.

Taking a break...?

I am finally able to sleep well tonight. My history paper was due today and it was a relief to turn that in. That would also explain why I haven't blogged in a few days.

Friday, the Bf and I went to the animal shelter. He had been planning on adopting a new kitten for quite some time. We got to the animal shelter, and within 10 minutes he had picked out a light grey tabby. It was really cute and easy going. At 6, we came to campus for our Lambda Alliance meeting (aka the Gay club). We watched a documentary about the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy that the military enforces. It was pretty interesting. And showed the discrimination that lgbt people go through, even when serving their own damn country. Kinda fucked up huh?

Saturday, we attended the Modesto protest against the passing of Prop 8. There were about a hundred people there. I heard the ones in San Francisco and Oakland were huge. But then again, it was a national protest. That's kinda cool. At around 3, I got a call from my mom saying she was in town to visit me. It was really surprising and I was kinda upset she didn't tell me before hand. Turns out she just wanted to drop off a chair, memory foam pillow, and some fresh fruits and pastries. And then she left. I felt bad because if she had told me that she was coming, I would have made plans to spend time with her. I told her that and she said she understands. It was nice to see her for half an hour though. That night I actually spent in my own bed because I really needed to work on my history paper.

Sunday, I spent about 6 hours just straight up writing and getting that done. At 4 I went to the Bf's place. And to my surprise, it was all clean and organized! As if someone had just moved in or was moving out. He says he cleaned up because he couldn't stand it, but I secretly think he cleaned up for my sake because he knows I'm not a fan of messiness. Moderate mess is fine, but man, his place was a pig pen. We watched some Will & Grace and played some Brawl (AND I ACTUALLY WON TWICE!! haha I'm such a nerd).

Monday morning we woke up at 11 and got ready for school. Got to campus at 1 and bf had class. I ate lunch, which consisted of the fruits my mom brought.

Today, I happened to miss my history discussion... oops. That is the last time I swear. Had lunch with the bf and actually went to yoga class today! K has been bugging me to go so today I finally gave in. It was a really nice workout. Not strenuous, but enough to work up a sweat. But I feel great and that's what's important. I'll probably even go again on Thursday.

Before dinner, the bf came into my room just as I was changing from my gym clothes into clean clothes. And that led to hte

After my class got out at 8:30, I went to visit the bf in the tutoring room. He's a writing tutor btw. And pretty good at it. He finished at 9 and asked me to stay over tonight. But remembering what happened last time, plus the fact that it's a school night, I declined, saying we'd have the whole weekend together if he wanted. So he accepted that answer.

I decided to wait with him until the school shuttle arrived to take him back to his place. So we were just making small talk, making plans for the weekend. And then he said he might get new glasses this weekend. And I was like, "Ok cool! Then you can see better and actually won't have an excuse to not get your driver's license!" And for some reason he didn't take that well.

He went off on a fucking rant about how people need to get off his back about that. And that he can do whatever he wants with his life. And the rest I didn't even hear because I was so shocked he was talking to me like this. His tone of voice was just incredibly rude and terrible. And so I told him to calm down and that I didn't mean anything bad by it. Was just trying to have a conversation with him. But I guess he still felt like he was justified for talking to me that way.

And I decided I didn't need this fucking bullshit, so I told him I was going back to my room to do extra credit for a class. When I got back to my room I checked facebook, and he had messaged me:

I think we might need to take a break from each other for a week. I think we're just pissing each other off and I need to figure out how to balance life and love. That being said, I will never respond well to someone telling me what's best for me. I don't care If it is or not, it's my decision. We'll talk maybe next week? I think we each need our own space for a few days.

Love,
____

Shortly afterwards, he called me and we talked about the future. Again. This is what caused him to break up with me the first time. So we talked it out kinda. And I cried. A lot. Basically, he isn't sure what he wants out of this. He wants to be with me, but at the same time, he wants to be free and do what he wants without thinking about how I would feel. And the fact that in 1.5 years or so we might not be together because he'll have graduated and moved somewhere else, scares him. And he said that he's always looking out for himself. He admitted to being a selfish little asshole, which I actually disagree with. And then he said that he's so lucky to be with someone who is genuinely a nice person that he doesn't deserve to be with. Apparently he has been thinking about this once in awhile and each time he gets really helpless, so he finally had to bring it up with me today. I told him I feel like if it's worth it then we should stay together and see how things go. And if things turn out great for us then cool, and if not, then that's cool too, it wasn't meant to be. But he wasn't satisfied with my response.

And then somehow we managed to talk about my issues with coming out to my dad. He asked if I/my dad would rather have me live a lie and have our relationship stressed because of it, or would I rather be honest with him. I don't know what to do. I don't want this to add to his already stressful situation and cause another heart attack which he might not survive (and then we'll be screwed). But I'm also sick of not being honest with him about this part of me, granted it is a significant part of me, but not the biggest.

So now, instead of one issue (coming out to dad), I've got a whole nother problem. I told bf that I do feel like it's worth being together, even if the future isn't certain, because what we have is not something you come along every day.

And I guess we're not taking a break, because he said that if we were, it would solve nothing. Then why suggest it in the first place?!

He did say that he'll always be there for me, and tomorrow we're having lunch together. And I know I have it so much easier than many people out there, but sometimes it's hard to get up every day. And yet I still manage to.

Six months already?

Yesterday, the bf and I decided to celebrate our six months. Which was actually on the 1st, but we've been discussing as to what date to choose to go by because he felt that summer didn't count because we weren't together physically much. But I argued that we were together (as in, in a monogamous relationship) over those couple months and that's what should count. He finally saw my logic and agreed. Which is why we missed our actual six months. Oops.

Monday night after class, bf, K (his girl best friend) and I took the bus back to his apartment because she didn't want to drive. Which meant we had to later drive her back to campus. And keep in mind, she knew that we were planning on celebrating out 6 months, but we ended up watching way too much TV and ate chips and cheese dip and Milano cookies. I KO'ed at around 12:30 while they were still watching TV. I woke up at 1 playfully poked K in the knee. And she got really mad... apparently she had wanted us to tell her when we wanted to take her back to campus.

She got up, and went outside and slammed the door. [And this is the same girl who thought I didn't like her even though she knew well that I had nothing against her. If anything, she probably hates ME for "stealing" him away from her.] Bf and I were like WTF's up with her? So we got ready and went outside. She was just fuming on the stairs and when she saw us she stomped to the car. I got in and started the car. By this point, I was getting kinda pissed off too. Bf said, "I don't know what just happened so I'm really confused. Why are you so mad?"
And she said "well because I wish someone would tell me when I should leave."

After she said this I just thought Wow, you could have driven your own car here instead of having us drive all the way back to campus for you. We dropped her off, and bf just said "wow..." I told him what she did was very surprising because I thought she was a very easygoing person. He said it was quite otherwise - she takes things too personally and often overreacts. She did apologize for blowing up at me though. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna forget it.

And now, on to the actually 6 month celebration. Monday night after the incident we just played some video games went to bed at 3..... after some strenuous activities of course :)

Awoke at noon, sat around, played video games, watched TV. A nice way to spend the day off. I asked it he'd reimburse me for the SF trip because he wanted to go in the first place and because I drove, and he apologized for forgetting and that he would when he broke his 100. For dinner, we went to a Japanese restaurant which we both enjoy very much. There were only a couple other customers so our food was really nicely prepared and tasty. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it actually. He had a "Beef Boat" which included beef, rice, california roll, tempura, soup and salad. I got the "Chicken Box", which had everything he had plus sashimi, spicy tuna roll, and grilled salmon. And we got fried calamari as appetizer. It was all deliciousss. Plus, he treated hehhe. Overall it was a nice day spent together.

Keith Olbermann rocks! Check out his message about Prop 8

You've probably seen this already, but I just wanted to share it with more people. It's important that we understand that this whole issue is about more than just civil rights. It's about love. I still can't believe Prop 8 passed when there is just so little love left in the world.

If you are/were in favor of banning same-sex marriage not only in California, but the rest of America and the world, please watch this video.

Things with the BF have improved this weekend. Sort of...

Thursday night, I stayed over again. We played a couple matches of Brawl (I actually legitimately won once this time HAH). Watched Stardust, which is a great movie! Claire Danes and Michelle Pfeiffer are awesome. And Robert de Niro LOLOL! A gay pirate!

Friday morning, the Bf's best straight friend from back home came to visit for the weekend. Lazed around, played video games, had Indian food for dinner. Watched Changeling. I thought it was a great movie. Plus I've got a slight crush on/jealous of Angelina Jolie for being married to Brad Pitt. Bf paid for his other friend (girl) who btw also has a job and buys useless junk. I'm just a bit jealous that he paid for her dinner and movie ticket and didn't even offer me. Guess i shouldn't expect it. I kinda feel underappreciated because I drive him around so much and always give give give. Anyway we got back to his apartment and planned our trip to San Francisco for the next day. Which I wasn't originally going to participate in, but they both don't know the way around SF, so I figured it'd be best to go along so they wouldn't get lost.

Woke up at 9 am, but didn't actually leave for SF until 11. Got there at 1. Explored the Castro district a little. BF bought himself an $80 wallet from Diesel (go figure) and a couple books from a bookstore. It was a bit rainy. Since the Castro is basically the gay side of the gay universe, we were surrounded by our "own kind". And that was comforting. So we held hands while we strolled. It was very much an ideal day for me. Nothing special, just a walk around town.

At 3, we were getting pretty hungry so we drove to Union Square and did a little shopping at Macy's. Didn't get to go to H&M like I had hoped, but oh well, next time. Bf suggested we eat at the Cheesecake factory, but I said SF isn't famous for its Cheesecake Factories, so we walked around for another 20 minutes, which made bf increasingly bitchy and moody. After we didn't find anything to our liking, I gave in and we went to the Cheesecake Factory. The wait was 45 minutes! Anyway, the food was alright (rich and heavy as usual).

Got back to the parking structure. Parking in SF costs an arm and a leg! Parking at the Castro for an hour was $6, and at Union Square was $27. Not to mention the toll into SF ($4). And neither of them brought any cash, so this was all out of my pocket. And mind you, I asked bf to bring some cash with him that morning, so he brought about 10 which was spent on breakfast. I can't help but think he planned it that way..... but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

We left the city at around 7. It was rainy the whole way back and I was having a minor food coma. But the bf doesn't drive and his friend doesn't know his way around the bay, so I had to drive. It was kinda scary. Got back here at 9, and went to campus to pick up a friend. Came back to the bf's apartment and I ko'ed on his bed for a good 3 hours. At around 11 he came in to ask if I wanted to play scrabble, but I was still tired. He then said, "I'm sorry I've been such a bad bf to you lately." And that seriously woke me up. I responded, "Well you're not a bad bf. Sometimes you can be kinda immature and inconsiderate, but I know you don't mean to be." That satisfied him.

Sunday morning, his friend went home. We just did pretty much nothing. Played some video games, critiqued some porn (really hahah). For dinner, we went to a Thai restaurant that I'm particularly fond of. Had some damn good pad thai. Bf was gonna treat me, but they don't accept American Express, so I treated him. Keep in mind, unlike him, my funds are actually limited. He's got a huge amount of dough to spend. And I keep telling him that.

Overall, it was a fun weekend. I haven't slept in my dorm bed since last monday night, so it's kinda weird. And I'm staying with him again tonight and tomorrow night (Veteran's day, no school). How should I tell him about the financial situation?

Communication is key

Shortly after my last entry this morning at 11am, I had lunch with the suitemates. S and his roommate (V) immediately realized something was wrong, so they asked. But I didn't tell them because there were other people there and that would have been awkward. At 11:45, I left and made my way up to class, hoping I would run into the Bf because he gets out of class at 11:45.

And sure enough, I spotted him a couple hundred feet away in his white thermal and light grey jeans, lugging a laptop he borrowed from the library. When we were about 20 feet away from each other, he half smiled. First thing I said was, "What was with you this morning? I nearly cried!"

He looked at me, as if expecting me to know what the fuck was going on. You know, the type that screams "you're an idiot". But really, I had no clue what was going on and I told him that. He said, "Well last night I kept on trying to cuddle up with you but you kept pushing me away!"

WHAT???

I honestly have no conscious memory of doing that. And I'm usually not one to back down from cuddle time, especially from him! So after I reassured him that, he was like "oh..."

But I didn't let him off easy. I told him how much of an complete asshole he was and that he didn't even give me chance to tell me what was wrong. And he just said, "Ok... well obviously video games aren't healthy for our relationship so let's just not play against each other anymore because each time we play you hate me a little more." Duh.

I had to go to class and he had to type up his essay. So we said our good-byes. I still feel like he thinks he was in the right to treat me like that. Ok, I'll admit I overreacted a little when I kept on losing at the video game. But I have to ask this question: does he feel satisfied when he is constantly winning? Does he take pride in the fact that he is better than me at a silly game? It's not so much the action of losing that annoys me as it is his insanely competitive nature.

Which reminds me. A few weeks ago, after the bf had met guy #1 who came to visit because he transferred to UCLA (the first gay guy that I've ever let myself get close to - as in getting to know me - who also happens to have dry humped me once while we were in his room after we had watched a movie), boy #1 commented on a photo of the bf and I.

In this photo the bf is staring directly at me and it's kind of creepy. And guy #1 commented: Beware of the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children, only dolls.

In the next picture, the bf is licking me and guy #1 again comments: And if you see her, do not scream or she 'll rip your tongue out by the seam.

And the bf comments: What relevance does that tidbit of movie trivia have to this picture other than the obvious tongue coincidence?

Flashback - I had told the bf about guy #1 dry humping me before we (bf and I) began dating, so now he has this unrelenting grudge on guy #1. So I respond to the Bf's comment: Oh ___, play nice <3.

And he responds: I play to win.

Is that kind of scary? Sorry if that last little story was pointless, but what I was trying to show is the fact that the Bf is very competitive in nature. I guess in writing about it, I'm starting to understand why he is how he is.

What the FUCK is his problem?

The Bf and I are not on speaking terms right now and I have no fucking clue as to why. It's very heartbreaking.

Last night after class, we were eating a snack in the cafeteria and all of a sudden he asks me to stay overnight at his place. After a few minutes of him being extremely persistent, I had to give in. His friend gave us a ride to his place because she was going to see her bf as well.

We got in at around 11:30 and played Brawl for about an hour. And I lost all of the matches. And he knows this pisses me off but he doesn't even give me a chance and pretend I won. I know this is a small issue, but if I were him and I saw my bf getting frustrated at losing each and every match, I'd go a little easier on him out of love and respect. Apparently that's not how he sees it.

Then he had to write an essay. And when he writes, he ignores everyone and everything. Why the fuck did he want me to come over if he was just gonna ignore me anyway?! So then I went to take a shower and he finally finished his essay at 2:30 and joined me in bed. I was definitely not happy with him at that point and when he asked what was wrong, I said "Why did you ask me to come over if you were just gonna be ignoring me and writing an essay? You can't just keep asking me to do things on the spot and without notice. I'm not angry with you, but I think you should respect where I'm coming from." And he took that as me being pissed or something. I fell asleep shortly.

Fast forward to this morning at around 8:30. Both of our cell phone's alarm goes off - I hit snooze of course. He gets up and goes to take a shower, slamming the bedroom door in the process, which obviously wakes me up. Groggily, I put my clothes on and wait until he is done showering. He comes back in, I look at him and smile, but he just ignores me. So I follow him into the bathroom and say hi, only to be ignored AGAIN. And at this point I'm just really fucking confused.

By 9:15 we're out the door to catch the school shuttle. And keep in mind, he has already stuffed his ears with headphones and is blasting music so loudly I can hear it. As we're walking to the bus stop, I tap his shoulder and he replies with a snarl,"WHAT?" I ask "What's wrong with you? Talk to me." And he said "Nothing" and keeps walking, fast enough to keep ahead of me too, and even as I try to catch up, he walks faster.

We get to the bus stop, he has turned himself away from me. The bus arrives shortly and stops closest to me. So I get on, and pick a seat and sit on the inside and hold on the my backpack to create an empty seat next to me, testing where he'll sit. Of course, he sits a row behind me, all the meantime pretending I don't exist. So I throw my backpack next to me and just cross my arms the entire 30 minute ride to school. When the bus stops, I get off first and wait for him by the door, hoping the isolation from each other has cooled him down. But it hasn't. He walks straight past me without even glancing while I just stand there with my jaw wide open.

At this point I'm so close to tears, I get back to my dorm in a record 3 minutes (normally a 7 minute walk). And here I am, pouring out my torn up soul and feelings into a blog.

I don't deserve this treatment from him. I want to know what has caused him to treat me like shit. What's most hurting though is that it's the cold shoulder. Is that how you treat a loved one?

I'm about ready to give up. But I don't have the heart to be so cold and just break things off like that.

What are the chances?

Obama has won the presidential election. Woohoo!

Gay marriage has been banned in the state of California. FUCK!!! It was so damn close. I can't believe this is happening to one of (if not the) most socially progressive and Liberal state in America. And we Californians tend to set the course for other states. What ever happened to equality? This is so fucked up. Let's hope Obama can (or will) do something about this.

What the world needs now is love.



What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No not just for some but for everyone.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone.

Lord, we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last till the end of time.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some, oh, but just for
Every, every, everyone.

Overbearing mother and more whining

My mom has been calling me quite a lot these past two weeks. To the point that it's annoying me. Apparently, she went and talked to my godfather about me being gay and asking whether it would be a good idea to tell me dad anytime soon. They came to the conclusion that it should wait. And she wants to read some Chinese Psychology book with me because it will "help me". This weekend she called four times. I understand she misses me and all, but she really needs to give me some space. And I know that in my family, I'm the only one that she can talk to and not be ignored. She keeps on saying she wants to come visit me and I feel horrible for saying she doesn't have to. But I feel anxious when she says things like that, I dunno why. But I did just email her apologizing for being so short on the phone with her earlier. I also asked if they would like to come visit me this weekend. So I guess my trouble is... I'm annoyed that my mom calls me so often, but I also feel bad when I don't feel like talking. I know she's very worried about me, but as much as I reassure her that everything's ok, she will always be like that.

On the other side of things, I am also starting to find things about the Bf that bother me. I know I've blogged about this a bunch of times, but I just need to get it out of my system again before I lash out at someone or something. Not that it's likely of me to do that, but still. It's a precautionary step...

1. He leaves trash in my room and suite and either subconsciously expects me to clean up, or just doesn't give a flying fuck.

2. He can be an overly critical, whiny little... brat. We were checking out guys the other day and we saw a fellow gay walk by who was on the tall and husky side and the Bf just said "Ew he's an uggo. His face is retarded" or something along the lines of that. And I just said "Oh c'mon give him a break. He's not bad looking!" It's just annoying and frustrating that he rarely, or never, has anything nice to say about people. Remember what Thumper's mother said? "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

3. He has no sense of modesty AT ALL. He often gives himself compliments. For example, last week he did a drawing and posted it on my wall without asking and I was like uhh what are you doing? And he said "Look how beautiful and great and pretty it is!! Don't you like it?!" And I just nodded cuz I didn't know what else to do. It seems like he's got some insecurity issues going on.

4. BIG SPENDER. Last month he spent nearly $3000 on clothes and things. How does that even happen? Maybe it's the fact that his parents are affluent and they just let him and his sister do whatever they want. It's like shopping is his way of filling a void in life or something. And it doesn't help that he has 3 credit cards. He also receives a decent amount of rent money from their family properties. I mean, if I were in his situation right now, I would be saving that money up like none other. His parents know what it's like to live poorly. They had to build their wealth through years of hard work. Granted, after I told him that my family isn't the wealthiest and I don't have as much dough to throw around as he does, he has been offering and actually paying for me when we go out on dates, eat at restaurants, and watch movies. But I do drive him around so I guess that's my payment. No joke.

Being in a relationship, however wonderful it is, can be straining at times. I sometimes miss the single life because I'm more free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But being with him also makes me happy and this is very conflicting. I'm done bitching about him and I guess what matters is that deep down he is a gentle person. And although these things all annoy me to an extent, I still love him for who he is.

On a totally complete tangent, last night S and I were studying and doing hw together in the living room because both of our roommates had gone to sleep. And we got distracted with youtube.

Avenue Q - If you were gay. Oh man, this skit is the defintion of S and I last year:



And then this: Rod's confession aka my confession.



Fobby Asian guy singing Touch my Body - Mariah Carey. We couldn't stop laughing for like 20 minutes...

Civil Unions vs. Marriage

Here. Educate yourself about marriage. Civil Unions DO NOT provide the same rights as marriage. That is why this whole damn Proposition 8 business is so controversial! Supporters of Prop 8 will argue that it's about protecting "the sanctity of marriage", "religious freedom", family values, and other bullshit. The Yes on 8 website even goes as far as to state that the proposition "protects our children from being taught in public schools that 'same-sex marriage' is the same as traditional marriage, and prevents other consequences to Californians who will be forced to not just be tolerant (wtf?) of gay lifestyles, but face mandatory compliance regardless of their personal beliefs." That is outrageous. Simply put, we're all equal. Everyone should be treated equally - regardless of their sexual orientation. Anyways, I sure wish homosexuality HAD been taught to me in elementary and middle school - sure would have helped me (and I'm sure countless others) cope with being a social outcast and prevent a good amount of self-loathing!!

Please, vote No on prop 8 (and for Obama) this election.

Love,
David

[The excerpt below is from about.com (lolol). enjoy.]

Question: What are the legal benefits of marriage?

With the denial of gay marriage, gay and lesbian couples are kept from more than just a ceremony and marriage certificate. There are many real legal and economic benefits of marriage that gays and lesbians are denied because they are not allowed to marry. What are the legal rights and benefits of marriage?

Answer: According to Lambda Legal Defense, more than 1,400 legal rights are conferred upon heterosexual married couples in the United States. By not being allowed to marry, gays and lesbians are denied these rights. Even in the state of Massachusetts, the only US state with legalized gay marriage, most of the benefits of marriage do not apply, because the Defense of Marriage Act states that the federal government only recognizes marriage as "a legal union of one man and one woman as husband and wife".

Here are some of the legal rights that married couples have and same-sex couples are denied:

1. Joint parental rights of children
2. Joint adoption
3. Status as "next-of-kin" for hospital visits and medical decisions
4. Right to make a decision about the disposal of loved ones remains
5. Immigration and residency for partners from other countries
6. Crime victims recovery benefits
7. Domestic violence protection orders
8. Judicial protections and immunity
9. Automatic inheritance in the absence of a will
10. Public safety officers death benefits
11. Spousal veterans benefits
12. Social Security
13. Medicare
14. Joint filing of tax returns
15. Wrongful death benefits for surviving partner and children
16. Bereavement or sick leave to care for partner or children
17. Child support
18. Joint Insurance Plans
19. Tax credits including: Child tax credit, Hope and lifetime learning credits
20. Deferred Compensation for pension and IRAs
21. Estate and gift tax benefits
22. Welfare and public assistance
23. Joint housing for elderly
24. Credit protection
25. Medical care for survivors and dependents of certain veterans

These are just a few of the 1400 state and federal benefits that gays and lesbians are denied by not being able to marry. Most of these benefits cannot be privately arranged or contracted for within the legal system.

Happy Halloween!! and my mock marriage

been quite busy with school. gots a midterm on monday which i am absolutely screwed for.

don't forget to brush your teeth extra long tonight! cuz cavities suck :/

the bf is wearing a ridiculously revealing costume thing which is basically just a loincloth. he's supposed to be "an egyptian slave boy". more like sex slave boy. and he is staying over tonight because my roommate has gone home for the weekend. so yeah, this will be a very fun night.

also, out GSA club here (aka gay club) held a mock wedding yesterday. the bf and I were the first gay couple to get wed, so it was quite exciting. we said our i do's and kissed. twice, because the camerawoman missed the first picture. and this was in front of hundreds, mind you. of course, our wedding ceremony created the most noise and though it was embarrassing at the time, i think the bf and i had a positive impact on the school. shows that we're not afraid of who we are, and that it's ok to be gay and out. hopefully we helped some closetted ones out a little.

A Virgin no more!

As I mentioned in my last entry, the Bf and I did get around to anal sex on Sunday afternoon. It was after we finished rallying against Prop 8 and had lunch at a Japanese restaurant. We got back to campus around 3, and were planning on taking a nap.

We entered my room, and laid down on my bed. And then things started getting scandalous. S and a few of his Christian friends were chilling outside, talking about none other than Jesus. And we could hear them talking - my door is literally 2 feet from the living room.

We got nakey. He condomized me (with the one he oh so sneakily snuck into his bag) and oiled me up, and the game began. I was pitcher and he was catcher - like how I'm making this sound like a baseball game even though I know nothing about baseball?

And it was nothing like I had expected. It felt really weird actually. Pornstars really know how to act...

Anyway, 1.5 hours and a handful or orgasms later, we were exhausted. And apparently I'm a great top. And this is coming from the Bf, who is mostly bottom. So he's a relatively good critic.

But I reassured him I still want to try the other way (aka taking it up the ass). So we'll see how that goes, especially since he's thicker than average.

After thinking over the fact that I'm not longer a virgin, I've realized it's really not a big deal. In a sense, I was already only partially a virgin because we had already had oral sex. And technically, he has yet to pop my cherry so I'm still a virgin in that technicality.

Rallying against Prop 8 in the Central Valley

On Friday, the Bf and a few other friends and I gathered with the PFLAG and some locals to protest against Proposition 8. For those not in the know, Same-sex marriage is currently legal in the state of California. Prop 8 seeks to ban it. Those in favor of same-sex marriage are voting No and those against same-sex marriage are voting yes (those assholes!! jk, but not really).

We ended up with a pretty good turn out - about 50 people on one of the busier blocks in town. We got a lot of thumbs up and honking, but there were a couple people who shook their heads and gave us the thumbs down.

Today (Sunday) we went again, but this time a different location (even busier intersection). And let's just say, this ain't San Francisco. Oh, no, no, no. People are not nice here. We got called "FUCKING FAGGOTS" about 8 times over the course of 2 hours. And about half of the people who drove past either flipped us off, shook their heads, or screamed "YES ON 8". How can people be so hateful? And there were even a few kids who were barely 10 years old glaring and giving us thumbs down!! What if some of these kids turn out to be gay? What will their parents DO to them??

I think I'm gonna make some signs for the next rally. Here are a few ideas (tell me whatcha think):

-Jesus would vote No
-Who should vote on YOUR marriage?
-Equality doesn't hurt ANYONE
-Don't listen to the lies of Yes on 8!!
-Prop 8 = DISCRIMINATION
-Honk if you believe in EQUALITY

I'm open to suggestions too.

Also, I'd like to announce that I'm no longer a virgin. The Bf and I did it in my dorm room this afternoon. The roommate went home for the weekend so we took advantage of the situation. The Christian suitemates and their friends were in the living room palying video games and stuff, but we didn't care. The bed is very creaky. I'll spare the details, but it was definitely not what I expected.

Much love! LESS HATE! Love you all <3

Whoa

The three of us were at a secluded beach. It was him, his girlfriend, and me. We just floated in the water for a bit. Damn he was so fucking hot. Dark hair, tall, slightly tanned. Not ripped like a muscle builder exactly, but definitely toned in all the right places. Just how I like them (as in guys). He was wearing a pair of white swimming trunks (not the boardshorts, but actual trunks, like skin tight). They were wet and I would very easily see his outline.

Then they got a little frisky and started fooling around so I thought I'd leave and give them some space. I made my way towards some rocks and just watched the waves. He came over and smiled at me. We stared at each other for a few minutes. I said "Hey where's your gf?" And he pointed behind him. She was laying on the sand, eyes closed. Little did I know what was going to happen next.

He took my hand and pulled me over to another spot, hidden from sight. He said, "I want you. Right now."

And I stuttered "W-w-what?? What about her? Wha-" And he put his finger on my mouth, shushing me. He got closer, his face a few inches from mine. My back was resting against a wall of rock. He peered into my eyes, closed in, and kissed me. I withdrew, surprised, and asked "Are you sure?"

He nodded and grinned as if he had won the lottery. And we kissed for the longest time. He started thrusting against me, and then my alarm clock went off.

This is closest picture I could find that resembled what he looked like... hot right?

It's been awhile since I had a dream about sex, and that was definitely the first one where a "straight" guy came onto me. If only in real life...

PS: I'll never get tired of this picture. There's just something magical about it. Plus they're both hot as hell and I think those V-lines are what do it for me... yep.

Fresno trip #2

This weekend the BF and I went to his parents' home in Fresno (second time I've been there, first time was to visit BF over 4th of July weekend) so we could drive his car back to school and use it to putter around town to do errands/go on dates/have fun.

Thursday afternoon, packed and went over to his place. Took the taxi to the Amtrak station and got on the train for the one hour ride. Got to Fresno at 8, his dad was waiting out front. Got to their house a little later and went straight to his room. Which is the guest room, but it's still nice. They replaced the already impressive 36" or so TV and put in a 40 something inch flatscreen. And their house is gigantic. Way too much room. It's something like 6000 or 7000 square feet. Well I guess in Fresno, the price of a house like that can get you a 2000 square foot house in Berkeley (at best).

We watched Misery (with Kathy Bates, who is amazing) and I was kinda scared/traumatized. He's into scary shit like that. After, around 10:30, we were both hungry, so we got ready for a fast food (aka junk food) run. Went to Wendy's. I drove. We sorta got lost because he's not the greatest with directions. He has a cute little silver 2000 Honda Civic Si. [For those who know cars, don't get too excited here. It's a Canadian model - their Si version is our EX version. Still a peppy little car though, even though it's automatic.]

Got back to the house, ate, and went to bed around 1. Friday morning, he woke me up... I won't say how, but our plan of getting out of the house to go to the mall by 11 was foiled thanks to hormones and horniness. We eventually made it out by 2 pm and went to the mall. Window shopped for awhile. After 2 hours, neither of us saw anything we wanted, but after playing with the iphone at the Apple store, I'm pretty sure it's on my Christmas/New Year wish list now and that'll probably be the only thing I'll ask for.

We went to the Cheesecake Factory to have supper. That was the second time I've been there. The food there is so damn rich and greasy and artery clogging and sodium infused and it was absolutely delicious. All 80921709 calories. We had the spinach/artichoke/cheese dip with chips for appetizer. He ordered some spicy chicken burger and I had bow-tie pasta with chicken and "creamy garlic-parmasean" sauce. Damn good. But talk about food coma.

After supper, instead of ordering cheesecake, we headed to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. I'd never been there before and the BF was astonished and speechless. We got a caramel pecan apple to go. Pretty good, but $4.25 for an apple covered in caramel and pecans?! I can make that shit myself for less than a buck. What a rip off, but boy was it tasty.

Drove around the area for a bit and decided to go to Target to buy a cassette adapter for the car (no CD player, just a cassette deck - now we can hook up our ipods!) Got back to the house at around 7. Watched Pan's Labyrinth (pretty freaky too). I liked it though. Midnight snack was our leftovers from Cheesecake Factory. Watched the second half of The Ring. That movie never fails to scare me. Sex stuff. Literally KO'ed at around 2.

Woke up at 11. packed. lunch at Carl's Jr. Drove back to collegetown. Slept at his place. This morning he woke up before me (which never happens). I asked him what's wrong? And he said, "Oh nothing I couldn't sleep. I'm gonna go play some Final Fantasy. You just go back to sleep and be your cute self." So I went back to sleep. 15 minutes later, he knocked, and came in with a tray of scrambled eggs n cheese, toast, and a cuppa OJ. It was so sweet of him I nearly cried! And it was pretty good too! He sure has a way with the pan.

Took the school shuttle to school at noon, ate lunch, and studied/did hw together in the library for a few hours. He left at 5. And 2 minutes later I missed already.

---And I also had a sudden realization: S is not the one for me. Sure I'm gonna try and continue to be his friend (whether he is gay or not). Long story short, any guy who is as in love with Jesus as he is cannot possibly be 100% straight. Call it a mancrush or whatever. And sometimes he can be pretty cold to me, but warm to others. What's with that?---

Overall it was a long weekend filled with precious time with my BF, indulging in rich and unhealthy food, gluttony, laughter, cuddling, and of course, sex. And I loved every moment of it.

Sharing a piece of the boyfriend's writing.

"[ABC123] University's Republican club needs a spanking.

Yesterday, I was walking past the classroom building's wall o' posters. I noticed that there was a large white poster that said "Don't be afraid to come out of the closet. It's ok to be republican". Under this insensitive slogan was an inane red and blue elephant. This poster was intended to advocate an event our university's republican club is having to promote the republican vote on campus.

It didn't strike me as offensive until I saw four more of these signs. This slogan is attempting to apply the same "coming out of the closet" metaphor associated with gays to the implicit silence of the republican minority.

This sign also implies that homosexuality is a choice. No one is born a republican. It is offensive to me that someone would even imply this. I understand that this whole event is aimed towards republicans who are afraid to assert themselves to do possible democratic peer alienation. But there are many ways to do this without offending.

I understand that this may simply be a case of ignorance (as is expected of most of the republican party. sorry). So I strapped on my gay boots and went over to the tent that they had set up for their rebuttal rally. The president of the republican club was yelling nonsense into the microphone and there was a background ambience of honky music and ham.

I took him aside and proceeded to inform on the many ways in which his club's signs were inappropriate. He immediately yelled into the microphone "I don't think gay people are bad" or something to that effect. Classy.

He did assure me that the signs were coming down that day though. His reasoning was that they didn't need them anymore because the event was going to happen that day. He didn't acknowledge my reasons for talking to him or even apologize. After I left a friend of mine [the author of this blog] called me and told me that the president had continued yelling "don't be afraid to come out of the closet" even after my more than polite explanation. What a fucker.

So what do I do? Am I overreacting? Vandalize the signs? Report the president of the republican club (or as I like to call him "piggly in the corduroy")?

I have nothing against republicans. That's a lie, but I don't treat them differently than anyone.

So, facebook friends, what should I do?"

I thought it was pretty clever. And this is why he's a writing tutor majoring in Literature.

I hope he doesn't find this posted here... or else I'm in big troub troub.

A Favor to ask

I know a few people (some l/g/b, some straight) who are not planning on voting "No" on Proposition 8. In other words, they may be planning on voting "Yes" or not just voting at all.

Long story short, gay marriage is currently legal in the state of California. Proposition 8 seeks to ban this basic human right by taking it away from same-sex couples. Voting No means you don't want to ban gay marriage and voting Yes means you want to ban it.

If you are on the fence about voting on this proposition, just remember: would you want your marriage to become invalid? What have you got to lose, really?

So I ask you, reader, please think about this very important civil rights issue if you are undecided, because this proposition will affect so many people's lives.

Please vote No on Proposition 8.

And so my mission comes to an end... or does it?

S and I just had a short, but pretty deep talk.

He came into my room to see what's up and saw me working on my "No on Prop 8" sign. He asked what it was and I replied "the gay marriage thing" and he jokingly said "I'm voting yes. just kidding...." but I know he's not.

Apparently, I had a sort of sad/tired look on my face and he noticed immediately. He closed the door and plainly said "What's wrong?"

And so I told him there are bunch of things on my mind. And his first question was "do you like someone else?" And i said, "Yeah, but it's deeper than that." And after a few minutes of thinking of what to say, I asked "Do you really wanna know who it is?" He said yes and guessed it was him (probably because I already told him last year). And i said, "silly huh?"

And he was quiet for a few seconds, but being the playful guy that he is, he said "Well I understand why you like me and honestly, I'm flattered. We've lived together for over a year and you're a really close friend and I know I'm such a great guy and-" and I interrupted him with a scoff and we had a good laugh.

And I said, "I guess you don't feel the same, but can I ask you something personal and you promise to be completely honest about?"

He said sure so I asked, "Have you ever felt that you might be gay? Either when you were younger or more recently?" and he plainly said "no". And i'm not gonna lie, my heart kinda broke a tiny bit there, but I was half expecting it already. And he added "well a few times in middle school, I would wonder to myself whether I was gay or not and the answer was always no."

So he got up to leave, and I just blurted "Hey, if you ever change your mind, I'm here and ready." He smiled and said we should keep this conversation to ourselves.

I guess I should consider myself lucky that he didn't overreact or anything and that. But my journey of discovering S's orientation has sadly come to an end. For now at least.

Is it possible to be so brainwashed and have so much faith that you forget a part of who you are?

The sensible and practical part of me just wants to forget this whole thing and move on with life. But the stubborn and idealistic part believes that this is not the end and that there is something more than the cards that are being showed. Can an individual get to such a high level of self-loathing and eventually change who they are?

I have a party animal for a boyfriend

In recent news, the BF was out partying at a 21+ birthday bash friday night/saturday morning. Apparently, it was a pretty wild night and now he has caught a cold. Guess that means no sexy time for me for awhile :/

Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap

This definitely one of my favorite Imogen Heap songs. Plus it reminds me of S. Gahhh I've got it bad huh?

PS: I'm kinda horny right now but there are freshman in the suite. Maybe I should play some gay porn really loudly and they'd get it! They are SO FUCKING LOUD AND ANNOYING. But they don't know I think that. They practically live here. S was frustrated yesterday because two freshman guys in particular are quite attached to him. They don't know when to stop and they follow him around as if he's a mother goose. I'm surprised his patience has lasted this long because he came and told me that with each day that passes by and they are here, he gets increasingly impatient. But yeah, long story short, I need some alone time. Enjoy this music video.

Say goodnight and go
Skipping beats, blushing cheeks, I am struggling
Daydreaming, bed scenes in the corner cafe
And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic tremblings
You get me every time

Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home, you've got your headphones on and you're dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot you taking everything off watch the curtains wide open
Then you fall in the same routine flicking through the TV relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone...

Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me
We'll have drinks and talk about things, any excuse to stay awake with you
You'll sleep here, I'll sleep there, but then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together.

Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Say goodnight and go,
Why's it always always
Goodnight and go
Darling not again
Goodnight and go

National Coming Out Day...

was today! I wore my rainbow spiral tie dye that I made back in US History. But there weren't many students on campus wearing rainbows or pink triangles :/

I wished S a Happy Coming Out Day and he said thanks. O_o

Just got back from Filipino Culture Night. It was pretty awesome. There was lotsa singing and dancing. And in the warrior dance, there were about 8 guys in black speedos and warrior costumes. So basically, we all got a nice view of their bodies. And I know a few of them, and they are quite cute so that pretty much made my day. I'm such a perv.

After, S, his Christian friends, and I were walking back to the dorms and I sorta lagged behind (how symbolic for being the black sheep huh?) A few moments later, S trailed behind and walked with me. And because the temperature has dropped about 20 degrees in the last 4 days, it is quite cold now and in my mind I was imagining him putting his arm around my waist, hugging me, and keeping me warm. That didn't happen however, but in another universe where S is (openly) gay, there is a very happy David.

I keep writing about S and this whole situation and it seems like that's pretty much all I write about anymore. Steevo in Cali has been giving me tons of suggestions and advice, and if I were bolder, I'd turn them all into action. But alas, I'm afraid that some things could hurt my friendship with S, so I am going to take things slow with him. First step is to watch For the Bible Tells Me So with him. Second step is to have a nice long heart to heart with him and see what happens from there. At this point, he needs a friend to lean on more than a fuck buddy (pardon the vulgarity).

For the Bible tells Me so

Last night, the BF and I went to a screening of the documentary "For the Bible tells Me so".

"Does God really condemn loving homosexual relationships? Is the chasm separating Christianity from gays and lesbians too wide to cross? Is the Bible an excuse to hate? These questions and more are answered in this award-winning documentary, which brilliantly reconciles homosexuality and Biblical scripture – and reveals that religious anti-gay bias is based almost solely upon a misinterpretation of the Bible.

Through the experiences of five very normal, Christian, American families – including those of former House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt and Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson – we discover how people of faith handle the realization of having a gay child or family member.

Offering healing, clarity and understanding to anyone caught in the crosshairs of scripture and sexual identity, this landmark film “boldly takes on a loaded topic and examines it both intellectually and emotionally; the result may well leave you blinking away a few tears” (Seattle Times)."



After, there was a 1.5 hour long discussion. Lemme just say that there are a lot of Fundamentalist Christians here on campus. One of them kept on saying how she only believes in "the Truth" and that was her contribution for 3 or 4 comments. WE GET IT. There were also some very liberal human rights activist students and it was interesting to see how the whole discussion played out. People tried to be respectful, but it was painfully obvious that others are will to step on other people's toes to get their point across. One of my friends even started crying because someone just didn't understand how speaking of "the Truth" can be so detrimental to others. And that made most everyone else become emotional too (Other than myself, I heard some sobs in the room).

I really wanted S to come see this, and he even agreed yesterday morning when I asked him, but in the afternoon, he said he had homework to do and he had to prepare for his bible study session. Is he hiding from this whole thing or what? I told him I'd buy the DVD so we could watch it together and he agreed. He can't get out this one this time.

And then this morning, as I was doing my hair, my shirt was lifted a little and exposed a little skin. He came into wash his face or something and grabbed my happy trail. PAUSE! Whoa right?

Yes, not ALL asians are hairless. I'm actually rather proud of it.

Anyway, gotta head up to class now.