Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Blood is thicker than water.
Well at least that's how the saying goes, right?
I barely got any rest last night after that texting incident. He said things that, while seemingly written by a drunk attention whore teenage brat, really stung. Completely stupid and immature things ("cellulite ass"?) I said things that I've never said to anyone before and that I'm not particularly proud of, but he deserved it.
Ended up spending the day with the family in the city and we just drove around for a couple hours and had dinner at this little hole in the wall Shanghai restaurant in the Sunset district. Definitely some much needed good quality family time, minus my slight frustration with driving in SF (ugh).
Family is so so so important. I don't know what I would do without having such a supportive and loving family. Probably some form of substance abuse or promiscuity (more than I already am, which isn't bad compared to most gays).
Even though we may sometimes be on different wavelengths or have different interests, I know I can always count on my Mom, Dad, and brother to be there for me, regardless of whether they know what's bothering me. At the beginning of the day, I had to wear my fake happy face (because of certain things I can't/do not want to tell them), but throughout the day I found that fakeness disappearing and noticed I was just full of joy to be around loved ones. Of course my brother wasn't really mentally present as he may or may not have someone special in his life now, but physically he was there.
I had some time to reflect on last night and I've come to the conclusion that I should just feel sorry for him. Granted, this has shed some more light on my own actions, but after putting myself in his/their shoes, I don't feel like I deserve what they did or said to/about me. I've never felt more of a strange combination of relief/sadness than I do now. Relieved that I am released and have freed myself from people who are quick to ask for favors and place themselves on a high pedestal, but quick to judge others and have no tolerance for imperfection. They are the ones who are hardest on people who are nicest to them. This goes more to the one that verbally attacked me via texting. But I'm really not sure how to feel about the other one either...
He has apologized, and I think I forgive him for spilling secrets. But I'm not willing to forget it so quickly. Just because I "interrupt" a conversation and "cockblock" doesn't call for ganging up, which they have done to me and to other previous friends (with whom they are no longer friends) before, might I add. I'm starting to see a cycle and some real ugly sides to people now. Just because things don't go their way, makes them legitimize treating friends like shit?
Excuse me, but I wasn't brought up like that and I have no interest in associating myself anymore with anyone who doesn't follow the Golden Rule.
I admit that I've done or said things that weren't particular nice, so I acknowledge that I'm coming across like a huge hypocrite right now, mostly because it's 2am and I just don't give a shit anymore. Maybe I deserve it. But they both have helped me realize that I'm fucking sick of being the punching bag. So at least I have that to be thankful for.
I barely got any rest last night after that texting incident. He said things that, while seemingly written by a drunk attention whore teenage brat, really stung. Completely stupid and immature things ("cellulite ass"?) I said things that I've never said to anyone before and that I'm not particularly proud of, but he deserved it.
Ended up spending the day with the family in the city and we just drove around for a couple hours and had dinner at this little hole in the wall Shanghai restaurant in the Sunset district. Definitely some much needed good quality family time, minus my slight frustration with driving in SF (ugh).
Family is so so so important. I don't know what I would do without having such a supportive and loving family. Probably some form of substance abuse or promiscuity (more than I already am, which isn't bad compared to most gays).
Even though we may sometimes be on different wavelengths or have different interests, I know I can always count on my Mom, Dad, and brother to be there for me, regardless of whether they know what's bothering me. At the beginning of the day, I had to wear my fake happy face (because of certain things I can't/do not want to tell them), but throughout the day I found that fakeness disappearing and noticed I was just full of joy to be around loved ones. Of course my brother wasn't really mentally present as he may or may not have someone special in his life now, but physically he was there.
I had some time to reflect on last night and I've come to the conclusion that I should just feel sorry for him. Granted, this has shed some more light on my own actions, but after putting myself in his/their shoes, I don't feel like I deserve what they did or said to/about me. I've never felt more of a strange combination of relief/sadness than I do now. Relieved that I am released and have freed myself from people who are quick to ask for favors and place themselves on a high pedestal, but quick to judge others and have no tolerance for imperfection. They are the ones who are hardest on people who are nicest to them. This goes more to the one that verbally attacked me via texting. But I'm really not sure how to feel about the other one either...
He has apologized, and I think I forgive him for spilling secrets. But I'm not willing to forget it so quickly. Just because I "interrupt" a conversation and "cockblock" doesn't call for ganging up, which they have done to me and to other previous friends (with whom they are no longer friends) before, might I add. I'm starting to see a cycle and some real ugly sides to people now. Just because things don't go their way, makes them legitimize treating friends like shit?
Excuse me, but I wasn't brought up like that and I have no interest in associating myself anymore with anyone who doesn't follow the Golden Rule.
I admit that I've done or said things that weren't particular nice, so I acknowledge that I'm coming across like a huge hypocrite right now, mostly because it's 2am and I just don't give a shit anymore. Maybe I deserve it. But they both have helped me realize that I'm fucking sick of being the punching bag. So at least I have that to be thankful for.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
All you're ever gonna be is mean.
Don't you hate it when one of your best friends holds the biggest possible grudge against you for something that happened months ago? And he said he forgave you but actually didn't?
So when I went to Paris for spring break while I was studying abroad, I met two close friends there after we all decided it would be fun to spend a week in Europe together since they weren't 21 yet and the drinking age in France is 18. First few days were super fun, just being back in Paris was a dream come true. But after a few days of going out and sleeping little, I caught a nasty cold and may or may not have been slightly edgy and easily agitated with my friends at them pressuring me to go out and stuff. And on the last night I sorta blamed one of them for cockblocking me with a French hottie. I have taken responsibility and apologized for my behavior for everything, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving break. A guy starts messaging me on Grindr (lol) and after a couple nights of chatting and him persistently asking me to spend the night with him, I succumb to his invitation and decide to go over Thanksgiving evening, because no one should be alone on Thanksgiving (so charitable I know). So I msg one of the above mentioned friends (the one I called a cockblock) the address just in case the guy is a serial killer. Little did I know that my friend was going to see the same guy too, but only for 45 minutes. That's a downside of living less than 2 miles from your best gay friends I suppose.
So after doing all that, I didn't sense anything wrong. The guy turned out to sort of a jerk and the friend was like omg wow that sucks. But apparently that's when he started hating me for it.
The next day, we went to the Castro (see previous entry for that story). I made out with a hot guy. But I guess in my last post I didn't mention that the same friend was eyeing this guy when we got on the dancefloor. I knew that, and I asked the other friend if I should go for it and he said I should do whatever I wanted. So I went for it, without considering my friend's feelings. I cockblocked him.
Keep in mind that the guy was looking at me only and later said that I was "the cutest". Easily said, I know, but it still meant something right? So while I did feel a bit guilty for intercepting, I didn't feel THAT bad to make out with him for an extended period of time. I guess it's because I always felt less good looking than everyone else, and for once, someone hot actually thought I was better looking. Do you know how big of a self-esteem booster that is? It's FUCKING HUGE.
But apparently the friend took that really badly (there were tons of other hot guys there, why didn't he go for someone else?) and became really bitter about it. So bitter that for the last three weeks it has been building up inside of him.
I texted him earlier saying what's up and asking how his finals went etc. He responds with "what the hell do you want". Um excuse me? Well I'll spare the details and say it didn't end well. I know he was drunk and that my other friend (who reads this blog but I don't give a flying fuck right now because I feel betrayed) told him EVERYTHING. This burns the most because this one friend is/was someone that I thought I could trust my secrets with, a confidant. But I guess on that night I managed to interrupt him while talking to a guy too, but I literally had no idea he was interested. Well apparently he felt the need to expose everything about me to the other friend and now it's a all a huge fucking mess.
It's so frustrating because they get mad about things that could be avoided. Like if they actually communicated like the adults they supposed to be. If they told me flat out to shut up or go away because they wanted to talk to a guy, that would be completely fine. But to hold it in like that and let it boil up for days? That is exactly how you burn bridges for good.
I'm not trying to blame anyone or say who's wrong or right. I just wish things like this weren't always blown out of proportion and so fucking dramatic. I would think that if you are good enough friends with someone, you can just tell them exactly how you feel so you don't hold it in and end up holding a grudge. I say this with personal experience too. I used to hold grudges and that only did bad in the long run. In my opinion, the best way to fix things and to try to avoid repeating issues is to address them early on before things get so bad that you can't fix it anymore.
I'm so much better off without someone like that in my life. After dropping everything to give him rides several times because of his own poor planning and just being an overall nice and caring friend, he still treats me like shit. He never has anything nice to say about anyone and places himself above everyone else. I'm just sick of it and I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore.
Well, this straw has finally broken the camel's fucking back. My sanity and self-value are worth more than someone else's insecurities and childish antics.
The end.
PS: if you know what this entry's title is referencing, you get a gold star.
So when I went to Paris for spring break while I was studying abroad, I met two close friends there after we all decided it would be fun to spend a week in Europe together since they weren't 21 yet and the drinking age in France is 18. First few days were super fun, just being back in Paris was a dream come true. But after a few days of going out and sleeping little, I caught a nasty cold and may or may not have been slightly edgy and easily agitated with my friends at them pressuring me to go out and stuff. And on the last night I sorta blamed one of them for cockblocking me with a French hottie. I have taken responsibility and apologized for my behavior for everything, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving break. A guy starts messaging me on Grindr (lol) and after a couple nights of chatting and him persistently asking me to spend the night with him, I succumb to his invitation and decide to go over Thanksgiving evening, because no one should be alone on Thanksgiving (so charitable I know). So I msg one of the above mentioned friends (the one I called a cockblock) the address just in case the guy is a serial killer. Little did I know that my friend was going to see the same guy too, but only for 45 minutes. That's a downside of living less than 2 miles from your best gay friends I suppose.
So after doing all that, I didn't sense anything wrong. The guy turned out to sort of a jerk and the friend was like omg wow that sucks. But apparently that's when he started hating me for it.
The next day, we went to the Castro (see previous entry for that story). I made out with a hot guy. But I guess in my last post I didn't mention that the same friend was eyeing this guy when we got on the dancefloor. I knew that, and I asked the other friend if I should go for it and he said I should do whatever I wanted. So I went for it, without considering my friend's feelings. I cockblocked him.
Keep in mind that the guy was looking at me only and later said that I was "the cutest". Easily said, I know, but it still meant something right? So while I did feel a bit guilty for intercepting, I didn't feel THAT bad to make out with him for an extended period of time. I guess it's because I always felt less good looking than everyone else, and for once, someone hot actually thought I was better looking. Do you know how big of a self-esteem booster that is? It's FUCKING HUGE.
But apparently the friend took that really badly (there were tons of other hot guys there, why didn't he go for someone else?) and became really bitter about it. So bitter that for the last three weeks it has been building up inside of him.
I texted him earlier saying what's up and asking how his finals went etc. He responds with "what the hell do you want". Um excuse me? Well I'll spare the details and say it didn't end well. I know he was drunk and that my other friend (who reads this blog but I don't give a flying fuck right now because I feel betrayed) told him EVERYTHING. This burns the most because this one friend is/was someone that I thought I could trust my secrets with, a confidant. But I guess on that night I managed to interrupt him while talking to a guy too, but I literally had no idea he was interested. Well apparently he felt the need to expose everything about me to the other friend and now it's a all a huge fucking mess.
It's so frustrating because they get mad about things that could be avoided. Like if they actually communicated like the adults they supposed to be. If they told me flat out to shut up or go away because they wanted to talk to a guy, that would be completely fine. But to hold it in like that and let it boil up for days? That is exactly how you burn bridges for good.
I'm not trying to blame anyone or say who's wrong or right. I just wish things like this weren't always blown out of proportion and so fucking dramatic. I would think that if you are good enough friends with someone, you can just tell them exactly how you feel so you don't hold it in and end up holding a grudge. I say this with personal experience too. I used to hold grudges and that only did bad in the long run. In my opinion, the best way to fix things and to try to avoid repeating issues is to address them early on before things get so bad that you can't fix it anymore.
I'm so much better off without someone like that in my life. After dropping everything to give him rides several times because of his own poor planning and just being an overall nice and caring friend, he still treats me like shit. He never has anything nice to say about anyone and places himself above everyone else. I'm just sick of it and I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore.
Well, this straw has finally broken the camel's fucking back. My sanity and self-value are worth more than someone else's insecurities and childish antics.
The end.
PS: if you know what this entry's title is referencing, you get a gold star.
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